u/EchoOfPetals

Its amazing because when I braid it and miss a few tiny hairs.. I can just make them wet and they’ll curl and it looks somewhat intentional. 10/10. Love my hair.

So.. I think my 4 year old has had one single interaction with her father but she was really young so has no memory of this, so Im not sure why this is coming up now. My best friend, Kevin has been an amazing father figure to her and I am so soo grateful for him. Today she curled up in my lap and said
“Mommy.. everyone else has a daddy. But I never see mine. Can I see him?”
To which I replied with “Well your daddy isn’t a safe person so I have kept you away from him to keep you safe. You have Kevin and Im sure he wouldn’t mind if you considered him as your dad.” (We’ve had this discussion, and he said he’d love it)
And she said “Ive never met my dad so I think he’s dead.”
So I said “No he isnt dead”
But she insists he is.. like its a fact.
Do I let her believe he’s dead or do I continue to correct her? I continue to correct her, right? I will say I couldn’t help from bursting out laughing because of the way she said it.. I feel horrible because I know its not funny and its incredibly sad.

Jfc the past 4 months have been hell. I’ve attempted. I’ve relapsed on literally everything I’m addicted to, and I’ve distanced myself from all my close friends. They don’t even care. They don’t like me. I’ve been so close to cutting all the ties between us. I fucking hate them. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t. And don’t fucking suggest therapy, I’m so tired of it… “JUST GO TO THERAPY”… I have! I have and it didn’t help so don’t waste your time suggesting it. Im just so fucking done with people.

Genuinely so confused what this means. Help!
I KNOW THE SEXUAL MEANING!!

Okay so I guess the purpose of this is to just.. talk about it because this still really affects me emotionally months later. Im not crazy or anything but I still hear these screams when they aren’t there.

I had been riding for 17 years before this. So back in May of 2025 I got a 3 year old unbroke mare, Luna. She was AMAZING. I started her and everything and we had little to no issues. A few months after we got her, I got a 4 year old mare Fancy. They were polar opposites personality wise. Luna is very social, people oriented, very level headed, she’s the type of horse who thinks first and reacts second. Fancy had seemed that way when I went to look at her.. but she was not. I had test rode Fancy and I looked for all the warning signs of a bad horse seller and everything was great. First ride after I got her, my cinch broke mid ride (MY FAULT) and I had a pretty bad fall but after that Fancy seemed fine. After that happened I didn’t ride for a month and instead did a lot of groundwork with Fancy and took her for walks. Second ride… she was great for the first 10 minutes and then she became a bucking bronco. So I decided to start from the basics, treat her like she had never seen a saddle before and took things extremely slow. One day, my older brother decided to go behind my back while I was out on Luna off property riding in my neighbors huge field (with permission) and hop on Fancy despite everything I had said about her. He got bucked off, stepped on, and kicked. The screams made my heart stop. I remember stopping Luna and just standing there for a second before it had fully processed who it was. Keep in mind… Luna was very green, I was bareback, and we had never galloped before as I like to keep her work light because of her age. I galloped her back home so fast.. I don’t even remember the ride back. I was the “first responder” to the accident while managing 2 horses, one of them being spooked and upset. I still hear those horrible screams and sometimes it’s so bad I can’t sleep. I really don’t know why it has bothered me so much and it feels so stupid.
I feel like I didn’t get there fast enough. Or that I somehow traumatized Luna. Or that the whole thing in general is just my fault. Or that I reacted wrongly. I could’ve done something different to help the situation.

Anyways, Luna is still perfect and I trust her so much. I still own Fancy but she’s been retired to a companion horse for Luna and I just take her for walks and do groundwork with her every so often. Shes so much happier and even though my goal for her was to ride.. I’m okay with just loving her from the ground. Shes just caused me slight trauma I think🥲
I also am currently looking for a therapist!!

Before I explain Id like to say that I would NEVER mistreat my animals. I would never yell at them. I would never hit them. I would never neglect them.

I think Ive split on my horse. That sounds so silly. My horse didn’t do anything to me.. I know. But I feel like she suddenly hates me and I hate her and I dont even want to see her. Our last few rides have been bad. And logically I know its because our rides haven’t been regular. But I feel like she genuinely hates me and I should just sell her because why tf should I keep an animal that hates me? I spent 3 hrs with my horse yesterday picking ticks off her.. and I just felt angry the whole time. Obviously I treated her like I always do, with compassion. But internally I just felt angry. I give her a kiss on her nose and tell her I love her and thanks for not killing me and whatnot every time I leave the barn.. and usually it means something, yk? But it just felt like a chore yesterday. I want to get rid of her.

Past few rides have been really bad. Like.. really bad. I’m not mad at her, I know it’s my fault that I haven’t been riding her so obviously she’s going to be fresh when I eventually do. But my confidence is just.. gone. I don’t even want to go see her.

Genuine question, dont laugh at me, but sometimes when Im laying in bed and I zone out while watching tv.. Ill subconsciously start sucking on my arm? I just like… thats so weird. I am so weird 😅
Does anyone else do this? I need to know Im not alone.

Dont fucking ask why I stay,
If the answer is written on my face,
In my quivering voice,
My tired eyes filled with hopelessness,
If I tell you that my heart feels like an empty space,
A void inside my chest that’s dark and melancholy.
Don't you see, survival isnt simple..its not meant to be
But it's a war I'm fighting so my baby can be free.

Don't ask *me* why is it that I stay..
Why don't you ask him?
Ask him why he twisted love into a trap,
Why he converted a home into a hell,
Why he pushed my head under water,
And then told me to “just breathe”
Why he said he would be my shelter but became my disease,
Why he imprisoned my spirit and stole the keys to my chains.

I don't stay because I want to,
I stay because leaving has the possibility to bring greater violence,
Because the spark of my attempt to escape..
Could cause the house to go up in flames
With me and my child inside..
Don't you see? Don't you see it's not safe?
You say it’ll be freedom, but I say it’ll be a grave,
Sometimes staying is the only way left to be brave.

I don't stay because I believe in him,
That I believe he’ll change,
That hope left long ago..
I stay because he has me convinced that nobody else will believe in me.
That nobody could ever love someone like me,
Only he has that ability.

My family whispers shame,
Each time I speak of leaving,
They tell me to stay, 
To give my daughter 2 parents,
Like 2 parents matter more than what’s pure
That I shouldn’t break the family apart,
I guess they don't think a family can already be broken.
But a  broken man broke the family in me.

Ive been told Im weak, because I stay,
But I'm not weak, 
Im calculating his every move,
The cost of each action I take,
When it is safe to breathe, to relax,
Im calculating what I can do to keep my baby safe,
To keep her world from shattering as mine has done.

So dont you fucking dare ask “well.. why do you stay”
And act like that question doesn’t stain me with blame.
Instead..
DO ask HIM why he has built a home..
Where living feels like dying,
Ask the SYSTEM why they write pamphlets,
Tell us to reach out,
But don’t provide spaces to go at midnight when victims are scared,
Ask why the hell the burden falls on the ones who already have to carry the weight of surviving.

Don't ask me why I stay,
Ask why he won't leave.
Don't ask me why I'm still forced to grieve,
Ask why he built a cage I can't leave.

Just me!? Its a Cinnabon pull apart from Wendy’s and its soo good but Im so full and Im forcing it down and not enjoying it and thats just really sad and Im emotional!
Anyways, if you’ve read this far.. we’re now besties! Im Rose and Im really cool, so cool that I’ll lick your toes if you want me to! Im really sleepy, dm me. Because again, im the coolest person EVER

I always write about the same things,

Same names, same pain, same patterns that don’t change no matter how I rewrite them.

Same beginning, same ending, like it always comes back to this.

I write about how he hurt me, how sad I am, and how the things people say sit in my head and turn into anger I don’t always know how to deal with.

It gets kind of old..

It's the same story in different skin, but it still hits the same each time.

And I start wondering if maybe.. I'm just not saying it right.

Maybe the words are the problem instead of what actually happened.

But nothing changes. Nothing ever does.

So maybe it isn’t them.

Maybe it isn’t what they said, how they left,

or how it keeps showing up when I don't want it to.

Maybe it’s me,

I hate that thought,

But in my brain, that thought is what’s true.

And it's like that thought is always waiting there.

Maybe it isn’t them,

Im the constant in the equation,

The reoccurring problem,

Maybe it isn’t them,

Maybe it’s me.