u/Di0tar0

I just went to my therapist. Right now, I'm in mental institute and I'm working on trying to fit in within groups. My therapist told me to stop trying to fit in and connect with people because I probably just don't have affinities with these people and instead trying to "discover myself". It gets me a bit frustrated because I know some people manage to fit in and get along with people no matter the context. I know people who have nothing in common yet still manage to be real close. Also I just feel like I can't just ignore the pain of loneliness I'm feeling. Yesterday, I found two people speaking hours after the mental institute closed its door for the day. I was seething with jealousy because I felt no one would ever stay late just to talk to me. I just can't ignore these signs. I don't want to feel angry the same way I do now but at the same time when I accept "I can't totally control how people feel about me", I start feeling depressed and hopeless. If there's nothing I can do, how can I expect things to change after years of feeling like a ghost ?

Why all my crushes are disgusted by me ? It's like we hang out, we seems to get along with each other and then suddenly when I try to deepen the relationship I get pushed back and I can feel their disgust. Considering what I saw some really weird guys doing, I would say I behave with women and try to respect boundaries. When I was a kid, I used to to have a skin condition and to be a nerdy kid. Girls at my school used to make a joke of humiliating their friends by daring them to ask me out. It was always a dare, just the thought of someone being with me was a humiliation. Now I've almost got rid of my skin condition. I try to dress better, exercise a little. I'm not a top model but I think I'm average at least. Yet nothing changes, I still seems to be the same monster I was in highschool. Sometimes, I wish to melt my face with acid just so people would have a reason to be disgusted by it. People tell me to love myself but no matter how I much I try, it doesn't bring any results and the reality of how the outside world treats me always reminds me why my self love doesn't lasts.

Edit : I just remember that my last crush complained about me remembering things like her birthday " or asking her how she's doing when she seems to be not doing fine when I was just "some random guy she enjoys. I feel I was just being considerate and caring but she said she felt I was just doing it to reassure myself. I thought remembering things about people made them like you but I feel it just led her to see me as a creep.

I mean no one is forcing you to be in a relationship. If time was really worth being alone no one would be in a relationship seeing how hard it is to get one. I'd give every seconds of free time if I could be with someone who respects me and wants to spend time with me. I know these people mean well but their comments sounds so hypocritical. Especially since these people would be the first to cry as soon as their relationship ended.

I mean no one is forcing you to be in a relationship. If time was really worth being alone no one would be in a relationship seeing how hard it is to get one. I'd give every seconds of free time if I could be with someone who respects me and wants to spend time with me. I know these people mean well but their comments sounds so hypocritical. Especially since these people would be the first to cry as soon as their relationship ended.

I am done with life. I don't talk to people, they are scared of me and find me weird. I talk to people, they are scared of me and find me weird. I'm tired of losing game. I don't want to live anymore. I pray everyday that God would remove me from this earth but He won't answer to my prayers. I try to cut my throat with a knife and I can barely put scratch on myself even if I put all my strenght. I tried to suffocate myself with a bag but it's so long and there's still air coming in. I tried to jump from heights or in front of a tram or a car but I can't find the courage to go through. It's like everything is trying to prevent me from finally finding rest. I know my life has nothing left to offer me and I'm sure I don't want to live but I'm too weak to do what needs to be done. I can't stand these disgusted faces any longer. Other people don't seek my presence when I am absent. Worse other people are better without me. Laugh more. Express more. I feel like I'm in hell and I can't escape. What could I have done in my previous life to deserve this. Feeling so much pain for people who don't even seem to care.