For a long time I wasnt connected to my emotions, but I didnt know I wasnt connected to my emotions. Nor did I know how long term Dissociation , gave me Alexithymia, Anehodonia. My history is complicated, I wont'go into it. My household was a place where happy emotions went to die, if they were for things that no one got, but you. IT wasnt enough that it made you happy, and only you. If it didnt get a vote of approval, it would be erased from your being.

With the EN, and dissociation, the alexithymia, anhedonia, all things I didnt know I had, my therapy process has been really slow. IT was this long thaw, followed by being completely overwhelmed with all these intense emotions, but no language. LIke being born again, but in the most traumatizing way possible.

I discovered about 4 months ago that I really like Disney animated .......Anthropomorphic films. I should not be surprised by this aspect of myself where I've always had an affinity for animals, but it was too painful to remember yet another thing I was mocked for.

The first time I noticed it was when I went to see the Movie "Babe", about an abandoned Motherless baby pig who is then adopted/raised by Border Collies. I cried hard throughout the entire movie. Hard. I was pretty disconnected from my Trauma back then.

There's something with the Anthropomorphic element that I both enjoy, but also triggers deep profound Grief.....pain......loneliness,...... loss........sometimes. Something will inevitably happen in the film, and I"m suddenly so overwhelmed and can't stop crying.

So many times I was not comforted growing up, but cartoons of animals felt consoling. As a child I don't think I was distinguishing between "thats not real", because it was still a kind non-threatening voice even if it was coming from a talking bear. I really had no idea the extent of my emotional neglect, emotional abuse, or not being allowed to feel "This way".

But when I'm watching an anthropomorphic animated film, now..... I often feel like crying. I feel so seen. I'm watching the movie ......... Tractors are knocking down all the Trees in the Rainforest, and the Blue cockatiel bird has to gather all his friends to save the Birds from being displaced from their homes.............I"m a wreck. ("Rio")

Also, in Pocahontas when she's running through the forest, loves nature, and is singing about being attuned to animals, and trees and your natural surroundings.......while birds follow her......crying my eyes out. I needed to be like that as a child, just free, but I couldn't because it wasnt safe. IT's so painful to remember being afraid to breathe. The most innocuous harmless child human emotion, and it wasn't allowed.

I don't know a lot about childhood development, but there has to be a reason why animated film creators often have anthropomorphic films? Probably for the same reason I love the films too? I just wish I understood what's going on developmentally. I mean eventually children grow out of this stage of needing to connect to talking animals, idk? I dont' see myself ever phasing out of that, tbh.

I found myself feeling the same way, when watching "We Bought a Zoo"., which I had avoided due to the animal theme. I"m worried the animals will be hurt. Mat Damons character is looking for a new residence for himself and his children, after the passing of their Mother. Everyone thinks he's insane. He tells them "....but Lilly (his daughter) is so happy here". Cried . I will forever love Matt Damon, even though I already did , because ........"He bought a Zoo for his children"........ made his childrens happiness a priority.

What kind of parent would see that you love animals, and then do everything in their power to either traumatize you with stories of animal abuse, or avoid nurturing that as much as possible? Sometimes a parent doesnt have to say anything to let you know that they think your sensitivity , your passion, your emotions are "ridiculous". They just project a hostile threatening gaze and you feel yourself freeze inside. All your emotions go underground, wither and die without oxygen to breathe.

I should just watch these films with a box of tissues. It can go the other way too, where I just "get" the humor. Something probably only a child would laugh at, and I'm like......... "that's hysterical".

I feel the same way when I paint. IT's this hard , deep Grief , of things that meant something to me, being kept from me, or surreptitiously poisoned. Now, my thought is .......so I wasnt allowed to be happy over certain things unless they aligned with what a parent thought wasnt' stupid? That didnt leave much.

So it might be a young "part", but it's also just an aspect of myself.

I have collected childrens developmental books, ..for children.............animated, .........to approach my growth from different perspectives......just for this reason because it's a method of delivering information, lessons, morals, that are non-threatening. I think that watching animated films ,whether it was decades ago, or now.........speaks to the same issue. That these films are meant "for children" .......something I was never allowed to be, .....but maybe, perhaps could also be used as a tool (although that was not my intension initially) .......to explore parts that had been lying dormant.?

I worry about regressing. I can't help it, I love Disney cartoons. If that makes me broken , then I guess I'm broken. I'm just trying to figure out, if I can pay attention more, or if I should, when I watch these films, and all these overwhelming feelings surface.......and make some attempt to untangle that, or notice which themes/parts in the movie trigger all that overwhelming Grief.....or sadness....loss ?

I discovered about 4 months ago that I really like Disney animated .......Anthropomorphic films. I should not be surprised by this aspect of myself where I've always had an affinity for animals, but it was too painful to remember yet another thing I was mocked for.

The first time I noticed it was when I went to see the Movie "Babe", about an abandoned Motherless baby pig who is then adopted/raised by Border Collies. I cried hard throughout the entire movie. Hard. I was pretty disconnected from my Trauma back then.

There's something with the Anthropomorphic element that I both enjoy, but can also be triggering something that resembles deep profound Grief.....pain......loneliness,...... loss.

So many times I was not comforted growing up, but cartoons of animals felt consoling. As a child I don't think I was distinguishing between "thats not real", because it was still a kind non-threatening voice even if it was coming from a talking bear.

But when I'm watching an anthropomorphic animated film, now..... I often feel like crying. I feel so seen. I'm watching the movie ......... Tractors are knocking down all the Trees in the Rainforest, and the Blue cockatiel bird has to gather all his friends to save the Birds from being displaced from their homes.............I"m a wreck. ("Rio")

Also, in Pocahontas when she's running through the forest, loves nature, and is singing about being attuned to animals, and trees and your natural surroundings.......while birds follow her.......I'm also a wreck. I needed to be like that as a child, just free, but I couldn't because it wasnt safe. IT's so painful to remember being afraid to breathe. The most innocuous harmless child human emotion, and it wasn't allowed.

I don't know a lot about childhood development, but there has to be a reason why animated film creators often have anthropomorphic films? Probably for the same reason I love the films too? I just wish I understood what's going on developmentally. I mean eventually children grow out of this stage of needing to connect to talking animals, idk? I dont' see myself every phasing out of that, tbh.

I found myself feeling the same way, when watching "We Bought a Zoo"., which I had avoided due to the animal theme. I"m worried the animals will be hurt. Mat Damons character is looking for a new residence for himself and his children, after the passing of their Mother. Everyone thinks he's insane. He tells them "....but Lilly (his daughter) is so happy here". Cried then. I will forever love Matt Damon, even though I already did , because ........"He bought a Zoo for his children".........and their happiness was a priority.

What kind of parent would see that you love animals, and then do everything in their power to either traumatize you with stories of animal abuse, or avoid nurturing that as much as possible? Sometimes a parent doesnt have to say anything to let you know that they think your sensitivity , your passion, your emotions are "ridiculous". They just project a hostile threatening gaze and you feel yourself freeze inside. All your emotions go underground, wither and die without oxygen.

I should just watch these films with a box of tissues. It can go the other way too, where I just "get" the humor. Something probably only a child would laugh at, and I'm like......... "that's hysterical".

I feel the same way when I paint. IT's this hard , deep Grief , of things that meant something to me, being kept from me, or surreptitiously poisoned. Now, my thought is .......so I wasnt allowed to be happy over certain things unless they aligned with what a parent thought wasnt' stupid? That didnt leave much.

So it might be a young "part", but it's also just an aspect of myself.

I have collected childrens developmental books, ..for children..animated, .........to approach my growth from different perspectives......just for this reason because it's a method of delivering information, lessons, morals, that are non-threatening. I think that watching animated films ,whether it was decades ago, or now.........speaks to the same issue. That these films are meant "for children" but maybe, perhaps could also be used as a tool (although that was not my intension initially) .......to explore parts that had been lying dormant.?

I worry about regressing. I can't help it, I love Disney cartoons. If that makes me broken , then I guess I'm broken. I'm just trying to figure out, if I can pay attention more, or if I should, when I watch these films, and all these overwhelming feelings surface.......and make some attempt to untangle that, or notice which themes/parts in the movie trigger all that overwhelming Grief.....or sadness....loss ?

I've been in therapy about 10 years. I still struggle with Shame, and a whole slew of other really deep seated issues that are complex. Things that have wounded me developmentally. I still feel bad, and like I want to Hide when I have a reaction thats obviously a Trigger, or a some fallout from all the Abuse and Neglect.

My Trauma/Shame experience, reaction.... wasnt totally "I was hit, because I was bad,".......... it was, ........but it had an added feature of cruelty and shaming, such that

"Youre just like that, fucked up and neurotic, it has nothing to do with me" said by my abuser, multiple times, for multiple trauma symptoms, over and over again until it was burned into my brain.

for everything...

-my humanity

-my needs when they were obvious and not being met, and shamed.

-For my despair, sadness and grief, panic, phobias, shame, hypervigilance, paranoia, startle response .................allll because "'youre just like that, fucked up and broken". I was told that, long before anyone in society made me feel like that, or Judged me, although there was that too. Which obvioiusly doesnt help you feel compassion for yourself since it's all your pathological doing, like you were born that way.

The Compassion that apparently Shame needs to eradicate it, has always been out of reach for me. I need help with it. I honestly don't know what it would take for me to care less , about how I'm perceived as fucked up, but even if I wasnt' perceived as fucked up and compassion showed up somehow from others....

...............I STILL JUDGE MYSELF! I still tell myself 'Gawd youre so crazy and unstable, and stupid, youre so worthless, no wonder your life is shit, you deserve it".

I do things for myself because I "should" not out of all this self worth, self love. I have almost no compassion for myself, that doesnt in some way feel undeserved, coddling my pathetic self, or I"m overly self attentive and weak., because i need more than any human should ever need, and especially NOT ME. The most evil, worthless, pathetic excuse for a human being that ever lived. .........for all my pathetic symptoms (not symptoms-character defects).

Since I'm the one that made myself like this by being born. I should be kicking myself, instead of being kinder to myself, to beat the ever loving crap out of myself for daring to be broken from abuse, (not abuse -just me being broken). Like I should be hating myself every single day of my life..........never putting it together, or totally believing it was because of "Trauma".....like thats just the excuse Im using, instead of looking at the "real" reason. ....Me .

And here's the real ass kicker; the more I do for myself, the harder I push to care for myself, the harder that shame pushes back , and the more Grief stricken I feel when I realized that , that "thing" pushing back was some version of an internalized parent, that haaaated me that much to deny me everything. It was NEVER love. So there's that. Learning what Love actually is, and what it isnt, not that i know.

Edit/Segue: Like I feel so sad, and heartbroken for everything I was denied; safety, nurturing, (Mothers day is kicking my ass). connection, that I'm afraid if I connect myself to that feeling I'll start crying and never stop.

One of the hardest things to process in therapy , and in life, was being as fucked up as I am, ....like the abuse was ............"nothing". Like I was born fucked up.

I've been in therapy awhile and that feeling never really goes away. THat for all the ways I struggle, it's not necessarily because of "Trauma", I'm just like that. I tell no one about the abuse, just my therapist. For all extensive purposes people probably assume I'm just crazy. It's something I was told all the time. Every time I had a reaction; sadness , fear, despair, depression, It was "me". "Youre just like that". I've been carrying the weight of that all my life.

I was reading an article on Shame, it explained that children blame themselves. "It's my fault I was hit, because I'm a bad person".

IN my case, I came to believe that "I'm just crazy and broken because I was born this way". I think that's different. Then every time you feel scared, sad, traumatized, triggered, frightening , confused, ...........it's never the trauma that made me that way..........."It's me".

I just wanted to check to see if others also experienced this, and found a remedy. A way to understand that your symptoms, are trauma, that deserve compassion and care and not judgement persecution, and shaming?.

I've never felt so angry , and so triggered.....every effing time there's a "Mothers Day -YAY!" Commercial.

I had a Narcmother. (obviously) She died. (whatever) I"m sad for the Mother I never had. NEVER HAD. I have her ashes and apparently its fallen to me to figure out where to put them. I keep them in the garage where they can't hurt anyone. (I"m serious).

I said to my brother "maybe I'll put them near the dog park, because they would #@*& on her head, or maybe she should feel the Joy of being around dogs. " Don't ask me why this thought ever seemed like a good idea. My excuse is I was driven insane from all the abuse. Anyway....my brother said "No, don't do that to the Dogs, that would be bad Karma" . I instantly thought "Omg, your right, the poor dogs, what was I thinking?!".

I plan on buying some Mothers Day cards and setting them on fire......, as long as the world is Going to shove them in my face, and has been doing that for decades. Suffering through every effing Mothers day, when no gift was good enough.

E-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e -I-GO. ..... Flowers, Cards, Advertisements for Jewelry, Facials, OMFG!!! And each and every single one of those things reminding me of a Mothers day that I had a massive anxiety attack trying to Think of something, some gift where I wouldn't have a sour, angry disgust face shot at me. Ungrateful bitch.

Every time I hear , or see "Mothers DAy!" whoo hoo! For your MOM! Because she's so effing SPECIAL!!!!!

My broken mind is screaming "Fuuuuuuuuuck Mothers Day!!!!!!!!!!!! AND F U, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO EFFING IDEA WHAT MY MOTHERS WAS LIKE.

STOP SAYING MOTHERS ARE LOVING AND WONDERFUL! STOOOOOP!!!!!

or I want to cry.

The More I take care of myself, the more I allow people to extend care to me and don't resist or Run from fear of what they'll do to me., ..and the more ways I find to attend to myself...with others peoples help, or on my own ..the more grief stricken I feel in regards to how Little care I got.....because My Mother actually had an aversion to attending to my specific needs, that didnt mirror her own.

I can know something intellectually, but when I'm actively engaged in something, in a way my body, my brain, my well being , my humanity was never engaged in before, in a way that's safe, .......the harder and harder it hits me how little my needs were thought of.

ITs the Grief. There's this sinking , confused, heartbroken feeling/thought.........."what would have been so hard about taking care of me "this way."?......I don't get it?.....It's not hard at all?........and I think everything is hard,... was it me?" And then I want to cry.

Then I think.... Why didnt this person that was supposed to love me enough to figure out something that objectively wasnt' that hard...........not try at all? Oh, okay, I get it..............Because they DIDNT Love me!!

Then I feel a sadness in my chest I'll probably die with.

The more I push against the resistance, of the somatic fear (memory) of being harmed by someone "attending to me", in the exact wrong way........the more I take a risk, and feel my energy being able to navigate boundaries, find way to work with my CNS....that's never been attended to in safety, or not attended to at all.......the more I feel what I never had, and/or how little i had,................. in teaspoon drop sizes. And that awareness comes into sharp focus. I feel it as a somatic shock to my body. "Oh?! this person now actually cares about my well being, it's okay and safe to allow them closer , so they can care more"...................vs. .........the memory I have that every time I did that with someone I thought I could trust-but couldnt, I had wished I never took that chance.................not that I had a choice. I was forced to accept their "help". Yeah, ....."Help". Here let me "help" you, not be you, make you feel guilty for liking that thing, needing to be attended to that weird way".

Me: thanks but no thanks. I"ll just go it alone. The conclusion that they wanted me to arrive at , to begin with, .....seeing how they couldnt carve me into being attended to ......................Their WAY.

Me doing something that's scary, new, attentive...... scared it will mean getting hurt.....and when it isnt', I feel the pain of being labeled a problem and someone just throwing up their hands because "Youre just too hard, forget it". .....and then the sadness and Grief..............because I wasn't too hard, my Mother just didnt love me, period.
You're too hard" was just an excuse.

All I could think about is my Dog. How I spent so much time thinking about what exactly she needed, what would work for her, pouring myself into her care, my every waking thought (practically) being about her happiness, her joy, her comfort...........and I didnt get that. .Neither did a lot of other neglected people, or 'youre too hard to take care of so I"m just going to make it hurt"........victims of EN. IME anyway.

My Dog......"I wonder if she'll like this bed, ? .....Oh?! You want the upholstered chair I bought for myself, and not your new BEd?!...........Well......okay, ....you can have it,.....I guess I didnt know I was buying you , your own chair when I bought it".

I try to imagine what went through my Mothers mind, although I dont' have to really, because she told me. "You have no idea how hard it is to take care of someone ...........not like you (meaning herself) ". I imagine that transformed into "and so I give up, because if you think I"m doing THAT for YOU, ..............FORGET IT".

Your left feeling like its you. Your the problem. Which can make getting help, care, and establishing bounderies really hard throughout that process. I always felt like I had two choices, either go it alone, or risk being mishandled, hurt in some way, shamed in some way, for being "Too hard".

I thought about the two sides of the same coin Abuse/Neglect. And that I wasnt' so sure that the neglect wasnt some sort of trap that I found myself in where any interaction, any attempt to access care, was .........meant to hurt in some way......shaming you for being too hard, acting like they hated attending to you.....Until I always chose neglect....vs. being shamed and verbally assaulted. LIke well okay, I"ll help you, ..........but you'll regret you ever asked. And then I got used to not asking.

Later down the road, I got used to the idea that "Help" often "Hurts". But it can be hard to decipher 'hurt" in the sense that something trips the attachement trauma wound, or the neglect-I'm a burden...and so that might be necessary....and "hurts" in the way that something actually may not be right-for me.

It's so complicated.. If I ever wanted to know why it's so hard to "love' myself, parent myself, care for myself, allow myself to feel Joy, Self regard, .......it's for this reason. Because it reminds me so hard of all the ways I was "hard".....and so 'thats why I won't parent you, or take care of you". Then I found out it wasnt "hard". ....and it felt like a punch in the stomach.

The More I take care of myself, the more I allow people to extend care to me and don't resist or Run from fear of what they'll do to me., ....

...the more grief stricken I feel....realizing I was never "So Hard" to take care of. It's the truth I"ve been running from all my life. The reason why I never learned to care for myself. I absorbed that 'Youre so hard and impossible, and unlovable" energy into my soul.

ITs the Grief.

There's this sinking , confused, heartbroken feeling/thought.........."what would have been so hard about taking care of me "this way."?......I don't get it?.....It's not hard at all?........and I think everything is hard,... was it me?" Then I realize that's exactly why.

Then I feel a sadness in my chest I'll probably die with.

The more I push against the resistance, of the somatic fear (memory) of being harmed by someone "attending to me", in the exact wrong way........the more I take a risk, and feel my energy being able to navigate boundaries, find way to work with my CNS....that's never been attended to in safety, or not attended to at all.......the more I feel what I never had, and/or how little i had,.................but mostly what strikes me as shocking, is how easy it is .

IT's not this torturous thing I thought it would be. IN that moment I feel a sense of almost shock and pain for all the times I was convinced it was ..."otherwise had I been easier it would have happened"....and that's not true at all.

Me doing something that's scary, new, attentive...... scared it will mean getting hurt.....and when it isnt', I feel the pain of being labeled a problem and someone just throwing up their hands because "Youre just too hard, forget it".

All I could think about is my Dog. How I spent so much time thinking about what exactly she needed, what would work for her, pouring myself into her care, my every waking thought (practically) being about her happiness, her joy, her comfort...........and I didnt get that.

My thoughts about my Dog......"I wonder if she'll like this bed, ? .....Oh?! You want the upholstered chair I bought for myself, and not your new BEd?!...........Well......okay, ....you can have it,.....I guess I didnt know I was buying you , your own chair ......but ok".

I try to imagine what went through my Mothers mind, although I dont' have to really, because she told me. "You have no idea how hard it is to take care of someone ...........not like you (meaning herself) ". And what she really meant, but didnt realize she was actually saying out loud...was... "you have no idea how hard it is to love and care for someone you don't love".

Your left feeling like its you. Your the problem. Which can make getting help, care, and establishing bounderies really hard throughout that process. I always felt like I had two choices, either go it alone, or risk being mishandled, hurt in some way, shamed in some way, for being "Too hard"....."not right" , and throwing myself under the bus at every turn since I feared being too much and too difficult more than anything else.

It's a lot to work out when you first start trying to take care of your "so hard" self. and then find out it's not really that hard, your parent just didnt love you. I Kept fighting the truth. NO it can't be that, it IS hard and impossible to take care of myself. Eventually came the realization' "oh.......it really isnt, ....so what does that mean?" I knew what it meant. My Mother was never my mother, she was my abuser who only wanted for my suffering and pain.

It's so complicated. If I ever wanted to know why it's so hard to "love' myself, parent myself, care for myself, allow myself to feel Joy, Self regard, .......it's for this reason. Because it reminds me so hard of all the ways I was "hard". (not hard) ....and so 'thats why I won't parent you, or take care of you".....it's the lie I'm constantly confronted with.

Did you ever start digging really deep into your trauma because you’re sick of making yourself gloss over it, sick of lying to yourself……and you want to just know the truth? Like anything is better than lying to yourself?

So then you’re like “ F It!…..I’m ripping the bandaid off!”

Three quarters through you’re thinking maybe this was a Mistake. But you can’t turn back now.

And the closer you get to yourself, your core wounds, ……and all I can think is “ How much worse is it going to get………..because this is pretty bad?”……and then it gets bad on another level you didn’t think was possible and now you’re really scared.

And now I don’t know if I could actually survive looking straight into the depth of the trauma.

I feel like sometimes recovery works backwards? It’s not always looking at the past. The present is the past…..the closer I started paying attention to myself. …..the deeper those wounds seemed to go…..and the more I realized , remembered what created those wounds.

I feel like I’m starting to get a feel for this dark malevolent presence. This shadowy threat that followed me all my life. I want to run……

I know of someone who shared with me details of her Domestic Abuse which as occurred throughout her marriage.

I listen. I'm obviously concerned about her well being. It's very complicated and I want to provide the best most informed support that I can.

She's not asking for help. It's something akin to telling me something she's been suffering with at times when she felt she needed to do that. She's calling it abuse, she's also calling it "that's just his culture".

I get the sense it's ongoing. I just want to know more, than I know now, which is nothing. I've never said, "Leave the bastard". Not even "what a collosal a-hole". I don't know what to do , if anything?

Perhaps there's another sub? idk? Or a book?

Thanks in advance.

I"m new here, and I've recently realized that my Dissociation has been the primary reason why I've stalled so hard in Therapy. This is my first post here, so I dont want to be too triggering for people, so I put a trigger warning just in case.

The feeling of remembering the dissociation even though how can that be, right? Remembering how disconnected I was , you would think being dissociative would be comforting for me.....it was not. It felt like I was locked in a mental prison that I had been put into. I didn't want to be there, ...........but I was.

If I said I felt "Alone", alone might not be the right word. More like trapped in some alternate Universe inside my head that you can't name, or attach to anything concrete. Like floating in space. My body was in reality, but the essence of who I was just gone. Wanting to find a place I could emerge, a way I could feel connected and whole, and not being able to. As in if you were alone, you would at least have yourself, ........and I didnt.

I had periods earlier in my life, to frame this, for contrast. ...where I could lay in the grass as a 7 -10 year old, and stare into the sky, and feel the air, and nature, the sun, see the blue sky, and I felt part of the Universe somehow. I felt comforted , connected , and more importantly ....Present. I felt like "myself". Grounded.

&gt;>And then today I remembered the experience of being so disconnected that it was disturbing<<.

I was watching this movie, irl. In the movie the person wakes up, dresses, it's morning, goes outside , sits on a log, and turns their face towards the sun. Just sitting. The sun on their face . Absorbing the experience. In a way that you know it's morning, it may be spring, it's early, and quiet. This was the feeling I had been searching for, but not finding it. I was instantly pulled back to a memory of going outside, always it was the Springtime for some reason.......trying to feel connected to the trees, the air, the sun , nature, the way I used to when I was younger.....but feeling completely disconnected...and not knowing why. And no matter how long i sat there, barely able to feel the Sun, waiting, trying to retrieve a sense of being, of myself, of realness..... and I couldnt. Everything felt muffled. The only comfort I knew, would not envelope me like it once did, no matter how closely I tried to draw myself to it. It was awful in a way where awful doesnt even describe it.

It was like being in an invisible glass box. When I knew on some level, that I was ALWAYS able to connect to nature -as a younger child-........ and I didnt understand why I was no longer part of that experience? Wondering.... why what used to give me so much solace , even if I was alone, now felt empty and far away?. I was between 11-15, when this was at it's worse, which is the time the abuse I experienced was at it's worse. And I stayed like that for a really long time. Decades.

This is why I started to hate the Spring. I didnt know why I hated the Spring all of sudden, but I did. Rushing outside so I could feel connected at the first sign of Life, and I felt dead inside....it scared me. Now I'm suddenly professing "I hate Spring".

I'm extremely sensitive to everything,..... innately sensitive. So what happened to me that , that just went away like that?. A key feature of my Being had been being connected to nature, Ive regained that sense now, but it took a long time. In the last few years, I've often thought "have the trees always been that green? Has the sky always been that blue? Wow!" But it wasnt like that for a really long time.

I tried to explain that feeling to my partner, and I said it was perhaps shock. But it makes me realize that the Dissociation was such a huge part of my experience.

Edit: I just want to say this before I go, for feedback. I've been told by people more informed than me, more than one person, therapist, I've read it in books many times, that your brain shuts down to protect you. Your body does that to save you, because your system would not be able to process the level of trauma or fear your being exposed to , otherwise it would impact you in a way that would be extremely harmful to you . You would become so unstable you might never recover. So your body dissociates to .............Protect you. I don't know if thats true, but if feels like it might be true?.

I shared with my therapist the term "Self parenting", he looked at me in confusion . He asked "what is that youre talking about?" I tried to explain to him the best i knew how, the concept of "self parenting", not that i had a clue what that was, so I was fumbling. When i finished trying to concoct some mode of self care out of thin air that didnt sound insane, He said ......................" BY YOURSELF??**??!**" I thought ......"yea, exactly". He said, "well maybe , eventually, but you can't do this work by yourself" .

You know those experiences in your life, when you've been waiting and waiting and waiting for validation on something you just KNOW isnt right, but in the meantime you feel alone, crazy and broken, because apparently youre the only broken person who doesnt get it, and then you give up on yourself? So this was that for me.

He also helped me figure out that the way I kept telling myself, "Just stop acting traumatized", is also unrealistic and shaming. He said "you can't will yourself to a different state of being". I kept thinking I could fix my trauma reactions with SHAME. That was me ..........."parenting myself". And dozens of other things I was doing to "fix my trauma and make myself better'"..........all shaming.

It sounds so eerily familiar to me. Sure i have resources, power and choices I didnt have as a child, but the reality is I'm starting from a place that no human would ever start from-normally.

I didnt know that I had to be humanized again. I had no idea I was numb and disconnected on so many levels, so how exactly was I going to be able to rely on myself when I didnt even recognize my own basic humanity? When the only thought I had about my "Self" .... the Self I'm supposed to parent , ...was.......I'm evil garbage.

So 'Just see yourself and love yourself, parent yourself"........when actually thats often a trigger. . Having this visceral reaction of "NO, Don't acknowledge anything I need in myself!! THATS DANGEROUS!!" When historically you've actually been punished every time you attempted to extend love and care for yourself , and spent your entire life pushing your humanity away to stay safe.

...... , when you might still be so numb and scared that youre having to learn how to breath in safety. Breath, ........never mind think of all the ways you may have experienced deprivation as a human, a child, a person. All the ways I taught myself not to feel, how to avoid caring for myself as much as possible, because it was such a threatening ideal . I didnt even know WHAT I missed, because I was so hard focused on making sure I wasnt giving to myself. How was I going to give myself something I didnt know was missing? Oh, "you learn", yes of course, you learn, ..............because someone is teaching that to you, .......another human. ( IMAO/IME) .......because I just didnt know. I"ve cried from someone being kind to me. I didnt know what it was, or how hard I needed kindness, or that it was missing, until it showed up from someone else that understood my humanity better than I did .

Edit: My self parenting is more like Self abuse. I'm sure there's a version that's not that.

If I worked really hard, invested myself in something I loved.........and then someone didnt recognize my efforts or believe it was me doing the work ,I felt crushed. . For instance in grade school..................implying that maybe a parent had done the assignment, (my abusive neglecting parent?) . I never connected this to my issue with procrastination, and the apathy.....about everything..... but it's TOTALLY connected.

Teachers asking me 'did you write this?"

My thought; " well thats great, first I'm not believed about what I KNOW is happening with my parents ............and now..........I'm not getting credit for the work that I"M putting in, thats MY WORK. And now youre crediting MY work to my massively abusive Mother?! All I could think is " Why does NO ONE see me, without the shadow of my demon mother behind me, only they're apparently assigning her all this benevolence?" Where can I go where I'm allowed to exist , outside of my Mothers toxic invasive influence? Like do you doubt that I'm the one breathing air in and out, or do you think ....someone else.................... must be doing the work........because I can't possibly be breathing on my own? Help me understand this?.

Why in GodS name would my Mother get credit for anything having to do with me, or anything I did, when she did NOTHING..........but harm me and try to sabotage my life!!? Why is she being given credit for anything? The better I did, the more people assumed it must be my Mother's influence, which made me want to give up. Because she was soooo negligent, and disinterested in anything having to do with me. The fact that people didnt see that, wrecked me.

The last thing I wanted to do, was try really hard, so they could give the credit to my abusive Mother. And then the better I did, the more preparation I put into it, the less I was believed that it came from me. It was like being slapped in the face. I couldnt even speak, or think the thought ....." My Mother???!! Helping me??!! Let me tell you about my mother. No , just shock and betrayal.

When that kept happening, I stopped trying. Waited until the last minute, because why give you my best work if you're just going to credit it to the most unsupportive, hostile, malicious , negating person in my life?

Honestly, why would a teacher even ask "did you write this"? IT's like being insulted on multiple levels.. First that it could not have come from you, secondly thinking because your so stupid, theyd just ask you and you'd go 'ya, my mother wrote that last night, while I was watching tv and eating pizza". .....because I'm obviously a moron, and Thirdly, insulting my character that I would even do that, because obviously I have no sense of Pride, or I'm purely lazy, when I was NOT lazy. I loved school, and then they made me hate trying. and Fourthly , it strikes the betrayal cord of what youre experiencing at home, the Shame, not being believed..like in their minds they're picturing you at home, your loving mother on your arm , helping you with your homework? When my Mother , had screamed in my face "I'M NOT HELPING YOU WITH YOUR HOMEWORK!!" but I could never prove that, and yet that's what they thought. She basically was being given credit, attributes she didnt possess, ............while I was looked at suspiciously. HOW? It broke me, and then I just gave up.

This happened , it seemed, throughout my life. It drives me insane, and it just solidified in my mind that there was no point in being prepared, or giving something your all. Over and over again. With all kinds of things, e.g., People asking me..... How do you know that?, how do you know how to do that?, "no -really? You?". LIke they can't seem to make sense of the mess of a person before them, and the work I'm able to produce......if thats even what that is? Should I tell them, "well, I"ve been working since I was 10, and raised as an adult since then , sooo".

My gigantic aversive violent reaction is the Procrastination, and Freeze. Fine then! I wont do anything if youre just going to be like that. Oh, this thing is "Due"?, oh, I have a "deadline"?..........ya, ...whatever. I'll meet that deadline in a quarter of the time it takes to do that. Because I'm used to doing things with a massive sense of urgency in a complete panic....so I'll just go with that.  I KNOW that for everyone else it took them a month, but for me I got it done in 24 hours, and I STILL got it done. But at least I wont be crushed when you tell me, "did you really work on this?" Ya, for the hour and a half before it was due....at least this way I didnt torture myself doing my best work, only to hear you say it could not have come from me.

That started when I was 13, but I couldnt say, "yes, at the last minute I did that, right in between being screamed at, and parentified, and that's why I did it 2 hours before it was due, when my mother was asleep and not angry at me for "focusing on myself". I also did my homework at school, in the hour and a half before it was due, because doing homework at home...........didnt work. AND, I have the skill level and vocabulary of a 40 year old, because I was treated like a 40 year old, and given adult self help content to read, when my Mother didnt want to parent.

This is why when my therapist would give me credit for something, "Great job, you worked really hard on that, " my knee jerk reaction is to somehow discredit myself. Me: "well, it's really because youre such a great therapist" She knows what I'm doing , she catches the way I have an aversion to compliments, or giving myself credit for anything. She said "NO! YOU did that!" I guess my thought is, "well , youre the only person who will ever believe that, because no one else does". It feels like heartbreak?

Curating a lovely spread for the folks that helped me move; Coffee, biscotti's, To Go cups so that they could move their cups to and fro without spilling , pretty napkins........and someone said in a snark way "WOW......I'm impressed!" I felt like saying "do me a favor will ya, dont' be too impressed". Because thats such a shock that I did that, given that it's ...me? I WAS NOT trying to be impressive, I wanted to do it, it had NOTHING to do with wanting to make a good impression. How did it become that?

Yes, please , work really hard to meet deadlines so that someone can tell you how it either wasnt good enough, and if it is, .......it couldnt possibly be from you........because why.......no one that screwed up can perform like that, and pull all kinds of skill levels out of their ass Like a CIA operative for the crazy stuff that was expected of you.

My brother told me he wrote a paper....while driving..... on the way to the class he was taking .