u/Competitive_Olive160

i held on to the idea that I was ”different“ or “special“ or loved more than any of the others for so long.

clung to it actually. it got me through some of the worse days and loneliest nights.

im coming to realize i never was. I wasn’t the only one who heard those things. I wasn’t. and you can say all day long that its true. you reassure them like that too.

like I was the only girl youd go down on. why is that even a thing you have to lie about? ive never lied about the fact that I’ve had other men in my mouth before. I don’t bring it up randomly or offer up a lie that I don’t randoml.

things like that make me realize that it was just a game. you were just saying what you needed to say to me, what you thought I needed to hear to stay where I was.

my biggest loop that turns in my head day and night is the joy you got out of playing me like this. how many people were a part of it? can’t just be the one, surely.

you’ll never admit to anything, you’ll never come clean. you’ll never tell me and if I ever asked you’d lie again.

I know you don’t get on here. you have Reddit i know you do even though you’ll never admit to it you have to. who the fuck doesn’t? but I highly doubt these are the pages you scroll endlessly.

who did you love the most? who did you give the most of your time to? why couldn’t I be that for you? before all the trauma and the hurt happened I would of enjoyed playing with some sad little girls head and heart. we used to kinda talk about that kind of stuff in the beginning. remember?

was I the last stop for the night after all the fun was had? a place to sleep and feel safe and loved while you did because even if it wasn’t reciprocated the love I had for you is obvious.

i tried to be what you needed. and towards the end yes I kinda gave up. I was never going to be enough, I realized that. not you wanted. and it’s funny, all of the times we’ve had no contact you’d always still reach out or at least reach back. but this time, the time after i finally quit trying to hard to make you want me and be attracted to me and only be intimate with me, you don’t. you don’t respond. you don’t answer. you don’t bite back.

the game is over. some if the dice were lost. and you can’t play with just a few dice. it negates the whole point.

✌️

I guess I’m going to join em.

I may still post here.

I’ll def peruse here.

Im moving on to the next stage of loss and the subreddits that go with it. why not try it. it seems to be working for everyone else 😘

you know what. you’ve never been more right about anything. I do play victim a lot.

i really do. And it’s embarrassing. I don’t know why I can’t focus on anything other than the pain. And for some reason I feel like if I can just explain it right, or give enough examples or metaphors or have you understand. that you’d be able to help me fix it. you can fix anything. your always building stuff or improving stuff.

im very very sad and I think I know why you got mad all of a sudden and posted that. and that makes me very sad too. my brain never stops looking for answers and I DONT KNOW WHY OR HOW TO STOP IT.

but it was supposed to be in sickness and health, good times and bad

i dont know what to do!!

Will you really sit and think about something, please? 

I have been in it the whole time. Not part of the time, not some of the time. All the time. 

It wasn’t out of sight, out of mind for me. Ever. You were always in my mind even when you were out of sight. 

Ever since I moved out of my apartment. I have been in a relationship with you. 

Was it said out loud, multiple times. By me or you? Mostly me. But you did you stop me? You didn’t clarify. 

And the feelings we both felt solidified the thing. Then you married me. 

I was always with you. So for all of those years, all of that time, compared to the limited amount of time we spent together. 

I was always waiting on you. 

Always waiting on you to be ready. 

Always waiting on you to mean it.

Always waiting on you to get a job.

Always waiting on you to get a vehicle.

Always waiting on you to want to get clean. 

Always waiting for you to get released.

Always waiting on you to want to only have sex with me.

Always waiting on you to tell me I’m not crazy.

Always waiting for you to think I was enough.

Always waiting on you to tell me I wasn’t imaging things.

Always waiting on you to tell my my gut didn’t lie to me.

Always waiting on you to be able to be comfortable living where I’m living.

Always waiting for me to get a good job.

Always waiting for me to save up money. 

Always waiting on being able to get a place of my own.

Always waiting on you being proud of my place.

Always waiting to make my place a place you want to be.

Always waiting until you’d text me back.

Always waiting for you to answer the phone.

Always waiting for you to come over. 

Always waiting for me to pick you up.

Always waiting for you to get done “helping your buddy” 

Always waiting on you to not be sleeping.

Always waiting on you to let me be a part of your whole life.

Always waiting on you to introduce me to all the people you know and spend time with.

Always waiting for you to bring me to all the places you go.

Always waiting to go grocery shopping with you. 

Always waiting to cook a dinner with you. 

Always waiting to go to bed with you more than 3 nights in a row. 

Always waiting to wake up and not wonder if you left in the middle of the night.

Always waiting to not always feel like your waiting for for your chance to go. 

Don’t you see why this is so difficult for me? 

Because I was only just a tiny portion of your life. While you were all of mine. 

And maybe my words fell on deaf ears when I told you that. Because like me, you said the same thing. But you didn’t mean it. It was a lie for you. 

What you probably (and I hope) didn’t know was it was true for me. I meant it and was living it. 

I had so much hope. The last of the hope I will have. That I wouldn’t have to be waiting forever. And now.. it’s forever. 

I know this might get some slack and hate but I need to tell you. or more so ask you.

PLEASE STOP THINKING ABOUT ME?

i was doing okay. I was feeling okay. the last 3 months were okay. painful but bearable.

and then this past weekend happened. I mean, nothing actually happened. But I feel like I got hit by a semi truck hauling all of our trauma and regret and grief all at once.

I couldn’t pinpoint it. What changed? Why am I feeling like this now? out of nowhere? And then I realized… it’s gotta be you.

if your not going to tell me you hurt and think about me too, if your going to let me believe I’m the only one in pain. If your going to let me go on thinking your happier without me, then please stop fucking thinking about me. let me suffer alone and get it over with. At least alone it’s bearable. but when we’re both out here in this small town, a short drive away from comfort and a the feeling of home ..and thinking about the other one and wishing we were with them, I can’t breathe.

thanks

💚

what came first? me reacting loudly and meanly because you were already lying. or you lying because I was already reacting loudly and meanly?

if only we both could get it through our thick stubborn heads that we love and want each other, rejection wouldn’t feel like the worst thing in the world. that’s what we’re both most worried about. why we both put walls up so high and get mad at the other for not getting over them.

I’ve seen all of you and still love it all.

I have done a lot of ruminating on the things you’ve put me through. And while this in no way diminishes or excuses your actions towards me, the pain you caused, the pain I feel and the uncertain reality I’ve found myself forced to live in… there are some things I would like to say to you.

I am so sorry. I always knew when I was hurting you with my words and I did it anyway. just like you always knew when you were hurting me with your actions and you did it anyway. but this isn’t about me.. back to you

I’m sorry that I let my self consciousness and self doubts bleed into a chance I was really trying for. everytime we tried again I was in it all the way. The triggers were because of you but the reactions weren’t. If that makes any sense?

I’m sorry that i would use the things i knew you were insecure about to hurt you when you were hurting me. I didnt mean any of it.

im sorry that I said you stink, or your breath smells bad. I knew you always wanted to brush your teeth right before we’d make out (because your a normal human and kind and considerate of the person your making out with) so in a desperate attempt to make you feel a little of the pain I was feeling in hopes that it would make you second guess and change your ways, I told you that your breath smell. it really doesn’t, you never stink to me. I smell you when you smell dif but you NEVER STINK. No part of you. And I’ve been all up in the parts lol

I’m sorry that I pulled you in and then reflexively pushed you away. I always craved the feeling of being chosen by you. The feeling of being chosen by the person you feel so fondly for, look up to, admire, hold in the highest regard, is a high all on its own. That in turn made every little missed call, an unanswered text, a couple hours late.. feel like not being chosen. There were a lot of moments (a ton if were being honest, but this one’s for you so back to you) where you could have chosen better. But when you did I rarely acknowledged it and I can see now how that may have felt like rejection. I’m so very sorry baby.

it will always and was always you I choose. Every minute, every day, every second over everyone. Anytime it came down to me choosing something or you.. I chose you every time. Even to my own demise sometimes (iykyk)

im sorry for the times i over talked you or made what you were saying or showing me seem unimportant to me. That’s the furthest from the facts. I soaked up everything and anything I could learn from you and loved it most of all. Things that I do to this day are because of you. ill be building a wire fence to keep the brat in the yard or putting together a shelf or having a fire to burn all the limbs and junk in my (I wish OUR) backyard and I’ll hear your words in my head like “measure twice, cut once” or ”fire burns up, the part where it turns yellow.. that’s the hottest part” I will have you know that I have lit so many fires with so little starters and I know you would be proud. God I fucking miss my baby.

im sorry that i withheld sex and (oh god don’t ever use this against me) and made it to where you felt like you had to go to someone else to get your needs met. It’s not okay. Either of us. My living situation made it hard for us to be alone, I felt like you didn’t want me like that… so many things. You know what it was. But it was NEVER and I mean EVER because I wasn’t attracted to you. You are the most attractive man I’ve ever and guarantee will ever see. I’m not saying you’re not getting old, I mean we both are. You ain’t no spring chicken anymore. But every little thing from your toes to your cow lick or tiny ears. It all drives me crazy and I swear was DESIGNED JUST FOR ME. I’m sorry I didn’t show that more.

that last paragraph made me remember something, remember when we went fishing and to the beach after a brief no contact… it was late late at night and we walked so far down the edge. We ended up at a pavilion that was empty at a park that was mostly vacant. And the tension was there we both felt it. Your body started reacting before our brains caught up. And even though you can’t see when my body reacts to you and I don’t say it out loud, but mine was too. I wonder if that’s because of how we are so linked internally with our thoughts and feelings it even goes to our ugly bits. they talk to each other all the time and we only sometimes get to give them what they want lol now mine is talking. its wants to yell at you so bad. ok ok Im sorry for getting off track. Anyway, you bent me over that picnic table and I swear I’ve never felt you inside of me so vividly, so fully, so intensely.

looking Back I think that’s the last time we unabashedly were together physically. There was the weekend right before everything went down. But you weren’t really present. You were just trying to satisfy me. And I appreciate that. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you didn’t or I didn’t know how much you did for me in that department. I know you did. And I know you enjoyed it. You know how? Because the best part of sex with you for me is seeing you feel good because of something I’m doing for you. That face, I can’t think of anything better.

im sorry for what I’ve been feeling the last 3-4 days, that I have no doubt has carried over to you. I think the shock has wore off and the move is done and the house is settled and it’s all really hitting me. I love you so fucking much and I know I will never stop.. I am hurting so bad over this.

im sorry when I always tell you I don’t care or I don’t want to be with you. That is the opposite of the truth. But I truly think you know that. At least I hope you do.

there’s a lot more I should say sorry for, but the beach description has me flustered and not thinking straight So I’m going to stop here. There is one more thing Im going to say sorry for and that is this next bit…

it’s not over for me. Even with everything going on. It will never be over. Please don’t leave me. I know we both need time to deal with our shit. And the shit We’ve put each other through but don’t quit on us. Let’s talk, in person. Let’s slowly let down the latest wall we built a few minutes or hangouts at a time. And once we can get through that one we can slowly start working on the next. I love you with every single cell and every thing I am. i will never stop. I know we both could be happy with someone else. That we both would probably be better off mentally with someone else. But we both would be thinking about and wishing it was the other the whole time.

lifes too short for that. So text me please, call me even. Better yet just show up. I promise I won’t be mad or reject you. I might be a little stiff at first, but that won’t be because of you.

I know you’re on here, at least looking and possibly seeing what I write about you. About us. If you’ll luck into finding this one, choose me this time please. choose to reach out I mean. No expectations no pressure.

if you were to write something on one of these subs about me I’d definitely see it. I doom scroll constantly. It would mean a lot if you did. You would know how to let me know it was for me without giving yourself away.

I love you baby. It’s you. It’s always been you. It will always be you. it will never not be you.

I love you - me 🐊

I have done a lot of ruminating on the things you’ve put me through. And while this in no way diminishes or excuses your actions towards me, the pain you caused, the pain I feel and the uncertain reality I’ve found myself forced to live in… there are some things I would like to say to you.

I am so sorry. I always knew when I was hurting you with my words and I did it anyway. just like you always knew when you were hurting me with your actions and you did it anyway. but this isn’t about me.. back to you

I’m sorry that I let my self consciousness and self doubts bleed into a chance I was really trying for. everytime we tried again I was in it all the way. The triggers were because of you but the reactions weren’t. If that makes any sense?

I’m sorry that i would use the things i knew you were insecure about to hurt you when you were hurting me. I didnt mean any of it.

im sorry that I said you stink, or your breath smells bad. I knew you always wanted to brush your teeth right before we’d make out (because your a normal human and kind and considerate of the person your making out with) so in a desperate attempt to make you feel a little of the pain I was feeling in hopes that it would make you second guess and change your ways, I told you that your breath smell. it really doesn’t, you never stink to me. I smell you when you smell dif but you NEVER STINK. No part of you. And I’ve been all up in the parts lol

I’m sorry that I pulled you in and then reflexively pushed you away. I always craved the feeling of being chosen by you. The feeling of being chosen by the person you feel so fondly for, look up to, admire, hold in the highest regard, is a high all on its own. That in turn made every little missed call, an unanswered text, a couple hours late.. feel like not being chosen. There were a lot of moments (a ton if were being honest, but this one’s for you so back to you) where you could have chosen better. But when you did I rarely acknowledged it and I can see now how that may have felt like rejection. I’m so very sorry baby.

it will always and was always you I choose. Every minute, every day, every second over everyone. Anytime it came down to me choosing something or you.. I chose you every time. Even to my own demise sometimes (iykyk)

im sorry for the times i over talked you or made what you were saying or showing me seem unimportant to me. That’s the furthest from the facts. I soaked up everything and anything I could learn from you and loved it most of all. Things that I do to this day are because of you. ill be building a wire fence to keep the brat in the yard or putting together a shelf or having a fire to burn all the limbs and junk in my (I wish OUR) backyard and I’ll hear your words in my head like “measure twice, cut once” or ”fire burns up, the part where it turns yellow.. that’s the hottest part” I will have you know that I have lit so many fires with so little starters and I know you would be proud. God I fucking miss my baby.

im sorry that i withheld sex and (oh god don’t ever use this against me) and made it to where you felt like you had to go to someone else to get your needs met. It’s not okay. Either of us. My living situation made it hard for us to be alone, I felt like you didn’t want me like that… so many things. You know what it was. But it was NEVER and I mean EVER because I wasn’t attracted to you. You are the most attractive man I’ve ever and guarantee will ever see. I’m not saying you’re not getting old, I mean we both are. You ain’t no spring chicken anymore. But every little thing from your toes to your cow lick or tiny ears. It all drives me crazy and I swear was DESIGNED JUST FOR ME. I’m sorry I didn’t show that more.

that last paragraph made me remember something, remember when we went fishing and to the beach after a brief no contact… it was late late at night and we walked so far down the edge. We ended up at a pavilion that was empty at a park that was mostly vacant. And the tension was there we both felt it. Your body started reacting before our brains caught up. And even though you can’t see when my body reacts to you and I don’t say it out loud, but mine was too. I wonder if that’s because of how we are so linked internally with our thoughts and feelings it even goes to our ugly bits. they talk to each other all the time and we only sometimes get to give them what they want lol now mine is talking. its wants to yell at you so bad. ok ok Im sorry for getting off track. Anyway, you bent me over that picnic table and I swear I’ve never felt you inside of me so vividly, so fully, so intensely.

looking Back I think that’s the last time we unabashedly were together physically. There was the weekend right before everything went down. But you weren’t really present. You were just trying to satisfy me. And I appreciate that. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you didn’t or I didn’t know how much you did for me in that department. I know you did. And I know you enjoyed it. You know how? Because the best part of sex with you for me is seeing you feel good because of something I’m doing for you. That face, I can’t think of anything better.

im sorry for what I’ve been feeling the last 3-4 days, that I have no doubt has carried over to you. I think the shock has wore off and the move is done and the house is settled and it’s all really hitting me. I love you so fucking much and I know I will never stop.. I am hurting so bad over this.

im sorry when I always tell you I don’t care or I don’t want to be with you. That is the opposite of the truth. But I truly think you know that. At least I hope you do.

there’s a lot more I should say sorry for, but the beach description has me flustered and not thinking straight So I’m going to stop here. There is one more thing Im going to say sorry for and that is this next bit…

it’s not over for me. Even with everything going on. It will never be over. Please don’t leave me. I know we both need time to deal with our shit. And the shit We’ve put each other through but don’t quit on us. Let’s talk, in person. Let’s slowly let down the latest wall we built a few minutes or hangouts at a time. And once we can get through that one we can slowly start working on the next. I love you with every single cell and every thing I am. i will never stop. I know we both could be happy with someone else. That we both would probably be better off mentally with someone else. But we both would be thinking about and wishing it was the other the whole time.

lifes too short for that. So text me please, call me even. Better yet just show up. I promise I won’t be mad or reject you. I might be a little stiff at first, but that won’t be because of you.

I know you’re on here, at least looking and possibly seeing what I write about you. About us. If you’ll luck into finding this one, choose me this time please. choose to reach out I mean. No expectations no pressure.

if you were to write something on one of these subs about me I’d definitely see it. I doom scroll constantly. It would mean a lot if you did. You would know how to let me know it was for me without giving yourself away.

I love you baby. It’s you. It’s always been you. It will always be you. it will never not be you.

I love you - me 🐊

I have done a lot of ruminating on the things you’ve put me through. And while this in no way diminishes or excuses your actions towards me, the pain you caused, the pain I feel and the uncertain reality I’ve found myself forced to live in… there are some things I would like to say to you.

I am so sorry. I always knew when I was hurting you with my words and I did it anyway. just like you always knew when you were hurting me with your actions and you did it anyway. but this isn’t about me.. back to you

I’m sorry that I let my self consciousness and self doubts bleed into a chance I was really trying for. everytime we tried again I was in it all the way. The triggers were because of you but the reactions weren’t. If that makes any sense?

I’m sorry that i would use the things i knew you were insecure about to hurt you when you were hurting me. I didnt mean any of it.

im sorry that I said you stink, or your breath smells bad. I knew you always wanted to brush your teeth right before we’d make out (because your a normal human and kind and considerate of the person your making out with) so in a desperate attempt to make you feel a little of the pain I was feeling in hopes that it would make you second guess and change your ways, I told you that your breath smell. it really doesn’t, you never stink to me. I smell you when you smell dif but you NEVER STINK. No part of you. And I’ve been all up in the parts lol

I’m sorry that I pulled you in and then reflexively pushed you away. I always craved the feeling of being chosen by you. The feeling of being chosen by the person you feel so fondly for, look up to, admire, hold in the highest regard, is a high all on its own. That in turn made every little missed call, an unanswered text, a couple hours late.. feel like not being chosen. There were a lot of moments (a ton if were being honest, but this one’s for you so back to you) where you could have chosen better. But when you did I rarely acknowledged it and I can see now how that may have felt like rejection. I’m so very sorry baby.

it will always and was always you I choose. Every minute, every day, every second over everyone. Anytime it came down to me choosing something or you.. I chose you every time. Even to my own demise sometimes (iykyk)

im sorry for the times i over talked you or made what you were saying or showing me seem unimportant to me. That’s the furthest from the facts. I soaked up everything and anything I could learn from you and loved it most of all. Things that I do to this day are because of you. ill be building a wire fence to keep the brat in the yard or putting together a shelf or having a fire to burn all the limbs and junk in my (I wish OUR) backyard and I’ll hear your words in my head like “measure twice, cut once” or ”fire burns up, the part where it turns yellow.. that’s the hottest part” I will have you know that I have lit so many fires with so little starters and I know you would be proud. God I fucking miss my baby.

im sorry that i withheld sex and (oh god don’t ever use this against me) and made it to where you felt like you had to go to someone else to get your needs met. It’s not okay. Either of us. My living situation made it hard for us to be alone, I felt like you didn’t want me like that… so many things. You know what it was. But it was NEVER and I mean EVER because I wasn’t attracted to you. You are the most attractive man I’ve ever and guarantee will ever see. I’m not saying you’re not getting old, I mean we both are. You ain’t no spring chicken anymore. But every little thing from your toes to your cow lick or tiny ears. It all drives me crazy and I swear was DESIGNED JUST FOR ME. I’m sorry I didn’t show that more.

that last paragraph made me remember something, remember when we went fishing and to the beach after a brief no contact… it was late late at night and we walked so far down the edge. We ended up at a pavilion that was empty at a park that was mostly vacant. And the tension was there we both felt it. Your body started reacting before our brains caught up. And even though you can’t see when my body reacts to you and I don’t say it out loud, but mine was too. I wonder if that’s because of how we are so linked internally with our thoughts and feelings it even goes to our ugly bits. they talk to each other all the time and we only sometimes get to give them what they want lol now mine is talking. its wants to yell at you so bad. ok ok Im sorry for getting off track. Anyway, you bent me over that picnic table and I swear I’ve never felt you inside of me so vividly, so fully, so intensely.

looking Back I think that’s the last time we unabashedly were together physically. There was the weekend right before everything went down. But you weren’t really present. You were just trying to satisfy me. And I appreciate that. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you didn’t or I didn’t know how much you did for me in that department. I know you did. And I know you enjoyed it. You know how? Because the best part of sex with you for me is seeing you feel good because of something I’m doing for you. That face, I can’t think of anything better.

im sorry for what I’ve been feeling the last 3-4 days, that I have no doubt has carried over to you. I think the shock has wore off and the move is done and the house is settled and it’s all really hitting me. I love you so fucking much and I know I will never stop.. I am hurting so bad over this.

im sorry when I always tell you I don’t care or I don’t want to be with you. That is the opposite of the truth. But I truly think you know that. At least I hope you do.

there’s a lot more I should say sorry for, but the beach description has me flustered and not thinking straight So I’m going to stop here. There is one more thing Im going to say sorry for and that is this next bit…

it’s not over for me. Even with everything going on. It will never be over. Please don’t leave me. I know we both need time to deal with our shit. And the shit We’ve put each other through but don’t quit on us. Let’s talk, in person. Let’s slowly let down the latest wall we built a few minutes or hangouts at a time. And once we can get through that one we can slowly start working on the next. I love you with every single cell and every thing I am. i will never stop. I know we both could be happy with someone else. That we both would probably be better off mentally with someone else. But we both would be thinking about and wishing it was the other the whole time.

lifes too short for that. So text me please, call me even. Better yet just show up. I promise I won’t be mad or reject you. I might be a little stiff at first, but that won’t be because of you.

I know you’re on here, at least looking and possibly seeing what I write about you. About us. If you’ll luck into finding this one, choose me this time please. choose to reach out I mean. No expectations no pressure.

if you were to write something on one of these subs about me I’d definitely see it. I doom scroll constantly. It would mean a lot if you did. You would know how to let me know it was for me without giving yourself away.

I love you baby. It’s you. It’s always been you. It will always be you. it will never not be you.

I love you - me 🐊

I have done a lot of ruminating on the things you’ve put me through. And while this in no way diminishes or excuses your actions towards me, the pain you caused, the pain I feel and the uncertain reality I’ve found myself forced to live in… there are some things I would like to say to you.

I am so sorry. I always knew when I was hurting you with my words and I did it anyway. just like you always knew when you were hurting me with your actions and you did it anyway. but this isn’t about me.. back to you

I’m sorry that I let my self consciousness and self doubts bleed into a chance I was really trying for. everytime we tried again I was in it all the way. The triggers were because of you but the reactions weren’t. If that makes any sense?

I’m sorry that i would use the things i knew you were insecure about to hurt you when you were hurting me. I didnt mean any of it.

im sorry that I said you stink, or your breath smells bad. I knew you always wanted to brush your teeth right before we’d make out (because your a normal human and kind and considerate of the person your making out with) so in a desperate attempt to make you feel a little of the pain I was feeling in hopes that it would make you second guess and change your ways, I told you that your breath smell. it really doesn’t, you never stink to me. I smell you when you smell dif but you NEVER STINK. No part of you. And I’ve been all up in the parts lol

I’m sorry that I pulled you in and then reflexively pushed you away. I always craved the feeling of being chosen by you. The feeling of being chosen by the person you feel so fondly for, look up to, admire, hold in the highest regard, is a high all on its own. That in turn made every little missed call, an unanswered text, a couple hours late.. feel like not being chosen. There were a lot of moments (a ton if were being honest, but this one’s for you so back to you) where you could have chosen better. But when you did I rarely acknowledged it and I can see now how that may have felt like rejection. I’m so very sorry baby.

it will always and was always you I choose. Every minute, every day, every second over everyone. Anytime it came down to me choosing something or you.. I chose you every time. Even to my own demise sometimes (iykyk)

im sorry for the times i over talked you or made what you were saying or showing me seem unimportant to me. That’s the furthest from the facts. I soaked up everything and anything I could learn from you and loved it most of all. Things that I do to this day are because of you. ill be building a wire fence to keep the brat in the yard or putting together a shelf or having a fire to burn all the limbs and junk in my (I wish OUR) backyard and I’ll hear your words in my head like “measure twice, cut once” or ”fire burns up, the part where it turns yellow.. that’s the hottest part” I will have you know that I have lit so many fires with so little starters and I know you would be proud. God I fucking miss my baby.

im sorry that i withheld sex and (oh god don’t ever use this against me) and made it to where you felt like you had to go to someone else to get your needs met. It’s not okay. Either of us. My living situation made it hard for us to be alone, I felt like you didn’t want me like that… so many things. You know what it was. But it was NEVER and I mean EVER because I wasn’t attracted to you. You are the most attractive man I’ve ever and guarantee will ever see. I’m not saying you’re not getting old, I mean we both are. You ain’t no spring chicken anymore. But every little thing from your toes to your cow lick or tiny ears. It all drives me crazy and I swear was DESIGNED JUST FOR ME. I’m sorry I didn’t show that more.

that last paragraph made me remember something, remember when we went fishing and to the beach after a brief no contact… it was late late at night and we walked so far down the edge. We ended up at a pavilion that was empty at a park that was mostly vacant. And the tension was there we both felt it. Your body started reacting before our brains caught up. And even though you can’t see when my body reacts to you and I don’t say it out loud, but mine was too. I wonder if that’s because of how we are so linked internally with our thoughts and feelings it even goes to our ugly bits. they talk to each other all the time and we only sometimes get to give them what they want lol now mine is talking. its wants to yell at you so bad. ok ok Im sorry for getting off track. Anyway, you bent me over that picnic table and I swear I’ve never felt you inside of me so vividly, so fully, so intensely.

looking Back I think that’s the last time we unabashedly were together physically. There was the weekend right before everything went down. But you weren’t really present. You were just trying to satisfy me. And I appreciate that. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you didn’t or I didn’t know how much you did for me in that department. I know you did. And I know you enjoyed it. You know how? Because the best part of sex with you for me is seeing you feel good because of something I’m doing for you. That face, I can’t think of anything better.

im sorry for what I’ve been feeling the last 3-4 days, that I have no doubt has carried over to you. I think the shock has wore off and the move is done and the house is settled and it’s all really hitting me. I love you so fucking much and I know I will never stop.. I am hurting so bad over this.

im sorry when I always tell you I don’t care or I don’t want to be with you. That is the opposite of the truth. But I truly think you know that. At least I hope you do.

there’s a lot more I should say sorry for, but the beach description has me flustered and not thinking straight So I’m going to stop here. There is one more thing Im going to say sorry for and that is this next bit…

it’s not over for me. Even with everything going on. It will never be over. Please don’t leave me. I know we both need time to deal with our shit. And the shit We’ve put each other through but don’t quit on us. Let’s **** in ******. Let’s slowly let down the latest wall we built a few minutes or hangouts at a time. And once we can get through that one we can slowly start working on the next. I love you with every single cell and every thing I am. i will never stop. I know we both could be happy with someone else. That we both would probably be better off mentally with someone else. But we both would be thinking about and wishing it was the other the whole time.

lifes too short for that. So **** me ******, **** me even. Better yet just **** up. I promise I won’t be mad or reject you. I might be a little stiff at first, but that won’t be because of you.

I know you’re on here, at least looking and possibly seeing what I write about you. About us. If you’ll luck into finding this one, choose me this time please. choose to ***** out I mean. No expectations no pressure.

if you were to write something on one of these subs about me I’d definitely see it. I doom scroll constantly. It would mean a lot if you did. You would know how to let me know it was for me without giving yourself away.

I love you baby. It’s you. It’s always been you. It will always be you. it will never not be you.

I love you - me 🐊

I have done a lot of ruminating on the things you’ve put me through. And while this in no way diminishes or excuses your actions towards me, the pain you caused, the pain I feel and the uncertain reality I’ve found myself forced to live in… there are some things I would like to say to you.

I am so sorry. I always knew when I was hurting you with my words and I did it anyway. just like you always knew when you were hurting me with your actions and you did it anyway. but this isn’t about me.. back to you

I’m sorry that I let my self consciousness and self doubts bleed into a chance I was really trying for. everytime we tried again I was in it all the way. The triggers were because of you but the reactions weren’t. If that makes any sense?

I’m sorry that i would use the things i knew you were insecure about to hurt you when you were hurting me. I didnt mean any of it.

im sorry that I said you stink, or your breath smells bad. I knew you always wanted to brush your teeth right before we’d make out (because your a normal human and kind and considerate of the person your making out with) so in a desperate attempt to make you feel a little of the pain I was feeling in hopes that it would make you second guess and change your ways, I told you that your breath smell. it really doesn’t, you never stink to me. I smell you when you smell dif but you NEVER STINK. No part of you. And I’ve been all up in the parts lol

I’m sorry that I pulled you in and then reflexively pushed you away. I always craved the feeling of being chosen by you. The feeling of being chosen by the person you feel so fondly for, look up to, admire, hold in the highest regard, is a high all on its own. That in turn made every little missed call, an unanswered text, a couple hours late.. feel like not being chosen. There were a lot of moments (a ton if were being honest, but this one’s for you so back to you) where you could have chosen better. But when you did I rarely acknowledged it and I can see now how that may have felt like rejection. I’m so very sorry baby.

it will always and was always you I choose. Every minute, every day, every second over everyone. Anytime it came down to me choosing something or you.. I chose you every time. Even to my own demise sometimes (iykyk)

im sorry for the times i over talked you or made what you were saying or showing me seem unimportant to me. That’s the furthest from the facts. I soaked up everything and anything I could learn from you and loved it most of all. Things that I do to this day are because of you. ill be building a wire fence to keep the brat in the yard or putting together a shelf or having a fire to burn all the limbs and junk in my (I wish OUR) backyard and I’ll hear your words in my head like “measure twice, cut once” or ”fire burns up, the part where it turns yellow.. that’s the hottest part” I will have you know that I have lit so many fires with so little starters and I know you would be proud. God I fucking miss my baby.

im sorry that i withheld sex and (oh god don’t ever use this against me) and made it to where you felt like you had to go to someone else to get your needs met. It’s not okay. Either of us. My living situation made it hard for us to be alone, I felt like you didn’t want me like that… so many things. You know what it was. But it was NEVER and I mean EVER because I wasn’t attracted to you. You are the most attractive man I’ve ever and guarantee will ever see. I’m not saying you’re not getting old, I mean we both are. You ain’t no spring chicken anymore. But every little thing from your toes to your cow lick or tiny ears. It all drives me crazy and I swear was DESIGNED JUST FOR ME. I’m sorry I didn’t show that more.

that last paragraph made me remember something, remember when we went fishing and to the beach after a brief no contact… it was late late at night and we walked so far down the edge. We ended up at a pavilion that was empty at a park that was mostly vacant. And the tension was there we both felt it. Your body started reacting before our brains caught up. And even though you can’t see when my body reacts to you and I don’t say it out loud, but mine was too. I wonder if that’s because of how we are so linked internally with our thoughts and feelings it even goes to our ugly bits. they talk to each other all the time and we only sometimes get to give them what they want lol now mine is talking. its wants to yell at you so bad. ok ok Im sorry for getting off track. Anyway, you bent me over that picnic table and I swear I’ve never felt you inside of me so vividly, so fully, so intensely.

looking Back I think that’s the last time we unabashedly were together physically. There was the weekend right before everything went down. But you weren’t really present. You were just trying to satisfy me. And I appreciate that. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you didn’t or I didn’t know how much you did for me in that department. I know you did. And I know you enjoyed it. You know how? Because the best part of sex with you for me is seeing you feel good because of something I’m doing for you. That face, I can’t think of anything better.

im sorry for what I’ve been feeling the last 3-4 days, that I have no doubt has carried over to you. I think the shock has wore off and the move is done and the house is settled and it’s all really hitting me. I love you so fucking much and I know I will never stop.. I am hurting so bad over this.

im sorry when I always tell you I don’t care or I don’t want to be with you. That is the opposite of the truth. But I truly think you know that. At least I hope you do.

there’s a lot more I should say sorry for, but the beach description has me flustered and not thinking straight So I’m going to stop here. There is one more thing Im going to say sorry for and that is this next bit…

it’s not over for me. Even with everything going on. It will never be over. Please don’t leave me. I know we both need time to deal with our shit. And the shit We’ve put each other through but don’t quit on us. Let’s talk, in person. Let’s slowly let down the latest wall we built a few minutes or hangouts at a time. And once we can get through that one we can slowly start working on the next. I love you with every single cell and every thing I am. i will never stop. I know we both could be happy with someone else. That we both would probably be better off mentally with someone else. But we both would be thinking about and wishing it was the other the whole time.

lifes too short for that. So text me please, call me even. Better yet just show up. I promise I won’t be mad or reject you. I might be a little stiff at first, but that won’t be because of you.

I know you’re on here, at least looking and possibly seeing what I write about you. About us. If you’ll luck into finding this one, choose me this time please. choose to reach out I mean. No expectations no pressure.

if you were to write something on one of these subs about me I’d definitely see it. I doom scroll constantly. It would mean a lot if you did. You would know how to let me know it was for me without giving yourself away.

I love you baby. It’s you. It’s always been you. It will always be you. it will never not be you.

I love you - me 🐊

I have done a lot of ruminating on the things you’ve put me through. And while this in no way diminishes or excuses your actions towards me, the pain you caused, the pain I feel and the uncertain reality I’ve found myself forced to live in… there are some things I would like to say to you.

I am so sorry. I always knew when I was hurting you with my words and I did it anyway. just like you always knew when you were hurting me with your actions and you did it anyway. but this isn’t about me.. back to you

I’m sorry that I let my self consciousness and self doubts bleed into a chance I was really trying for. everytime we tried again I was in it all the way. The triggers were because of you but the reactions weren’t. If that makes any sense?

I’m sorry that i would use the things i knew you were insecure about to hurt you when you were hurting me. I didnt mean any of it.

im sorry that I said you stink, or your breath smells bad. I knew you always wanted to brush your teeth right before we’d make out (because your a normal human and kind and considerate of the person your making out with) so in a desperate attempt to make you feel a little of the pain I was feeling in hopes that it would make you second guess and change your ways, I told you that your breath smell. it really doesn’t, you never stink to me. I smell you when you smell dif but you NEVER STINK. No part of you. And I’ve been all up in the parts lol

I’m sorry that I pulled you in and then reflexively pushed you away. I always craved the feeling of being chosen by you. The feeling of being chosen by the person you feel so fondly for, look up to, admire, hold in the highest regard, is a high all on its own. That in turn made every little missed call, an unanswered text, a couple hours late.. feel like not being chosen. There were a lot of moments (a ton if were being honest, but this one’s for you so back to you) where you could have chosen better. But when you did I rarely acknowledged it and I can see now how that may have felt like rejection. I’m so very sorry baby.

it will always and was always you I choose. Every minute, every day, every second over everyone. Anytime it came down to me choosing something or you.. I chose you every time. Even to my own demise sometimes (iykyk)

im sorry for the times i over talked you or made what you were saying or showing me seem unimportant to me. That’s the furthest from the facts. I soaked up everything and anything I could learn from you and loved it most of all. Things that I do to this day are because of you. ill be building a wire fence to keep the brat in the yard or putting together a shelf or having a fire to burn all the limbs and junk in my (I wish OUR) backyard and I’ll hear your words in my head like “measure twice, cut once” or ”fire burns up, the part where it turns yellow.. that’s the hottest part” I will have you know that I have lit so many fires with so little starters and I know you would be proud. God I fucking miss my baby.

im sorry that i withheld sex and (oh god don’t ever use this against me) and made it to where you felt like you had to go to someone else to get your needs met. It’s not okay. Either of us. My living situation made it hard for us to be alone, I felt like you didn’t want me like that… so many things. You know what it was. But it was NEVER and I mean EVER because I wasn’t attracted to you. You are the most attractive man I’ve ever and guarantee will ever see. I’m not saying you’re not getting old, I mean we both are. You ain’t no spring chicken anymore. But every little thing from your toes to your cow lick or tiny ears. It all drives me crazy and I swear was DESIGNED JUST FOR ME. I’m sorry I didn’t show that more.

that last paragraph made me remember something, remember when we went fishing and to the beach after a brief no contact… it was late late at night and we walked so far down the edge. We ended up at a pavilion that was empty at a park that was mostly vacant. And the tension was there we both felt it. Your body started reacting before our brains caught up. And even though you can’t see when my body reacts to you and I don’t say it out loud, but mine was too. I wonder if that’s because of how we are so linked internally with our thoughts and feelings it even goes to our ugly bits. they talk to each other all the time and we only sometimes get to give them what they want lol now mine is talking. its wants to yell at you so bad. ok ok Im sorry for getting off track. Anyway, you bent me over that picnic table and I swear I’ve never felt you inside of me so vividly, so fully, so intensely.

looking Back I think that’s the last time we unabashedly were together physically. There was the weekend right before everything went down. But you weren’t really present. You were just trying to satisfy me. And I appreciate that. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you didn’t or I didn’t know how much you did for me in that department. I know you did. And I know you enjoyed it. You know how? Because the best part of sex with you for me is seeing you feel good because of something I’m doing for you. That face, I can’t think of anything better.

im sorry for what I’ve been feeling the last 3-4 days, that I have no doubt has carried over to you. I think the shock has wore off and the move is done and the house is settled and it’s all really hitting me. I love you so fucking much and I know I will never stop.. I am hurting so bad over this.

im sorry when I always tell you I don’t care or I don’t want to be with you. That is the opposite of the truth. But I truly think you know that. At least I hope you do.

there’s a lot more I should say sorry for, but the beach description has me flustered and not thinking straight So I’m going to stop here. There is one more thing Im going to say sorry for and that is this next bit…

it’s not over for me. Even with everything going on. It will never be over. Please don’t leave me. I know we both need time to deal with our shit. And the shit We’ve put each other through but don’t quit on us. Let’s talk, in person. Let’s slowly let down the latest wall we built a few minutes or hangouts at a time. And once we can get through that one we can slowly start working on the next. I love you with every single cell and every thing I am. i will never stop. I know we both could be happy with someone else. That we both would probably be better off mentally with someone else. But we both would be thinking about and wishing it was the other the whole time.

lifes too short for that. So text me please, call me even. Better yet just show up. I promise I won’t be mad or reject you. I might be a little stiff at first, but that won’t be because of you.

I know you’re on here, at least looking and possibly seeing what I write about you. About us. If you’ll luck into finding this one, choose me this time please. choose to reach out I mean. No expectations no pressure.

if you were to write something on one of these subs about me I’d definitely see it. I doom scroll constantly. It would mean a lot if you did. You would know how to let me know it was for me without giving yourself away.

I love you baby. It’s you. It’s always been you. It will always be you. it will never not be you.

I love you - me 🐊

I have done a lot of ruminating on the things you’ve put me through. And while this in no way diminishes or excuses your actions towards me, the pain you caused, the pain I feel and the uncertain reality I’ve found myself forced to live in… there are some things I would like to say to you.

I am so sorry. I always knew when I was hurting you with my words and I did it anyway. just like you always knew when you were hurting me with your actions and you did it anyway. but this isn’t about me.. back to you

I’m sorry that I let my self consciousness and self doubts bleed into a chance I was really trying for. everytime we tried again I was in it all the way. The triggers were because of you but the reactions weren’t. If that makes any sense?

I’m sorry that i would use the things i knew you were insecure about to hurt you when you were hurting me. I didnt mean any of it.

im sorry that I said you stink, or your breath smells bad. I knew you always wanted to brush your teeth right before we’d make out (because your a normal human and kind and considerate of the person your making out with) so in a desperate attempt to make you feel a little of the pain I was feeling in hopes that it would make you second guess and change your ways, I told you that your breath smell. it really doesn’t, you never stink to me. I smell you when you smell dif but you NEVER STINK. No part of you. And I’ve been all up in the parts lol

I’m sorry that I pulled you in and then reflexively pushed you away. I always craved the feeling of being chosen by you. The feeling of being chosen by the person you feel so fondly for, look up to, admire, hold in the highest regard, is a high all on its own. That in turn made every little missed call, an unanswered text, a couple hours late.. feel like not being chosen. There were a lot of moments (a ton if were being honest, but this one’s for you so back to you) where you could have chosen better. But when you did I rarely acknowledged it and I can see now how that may have felt like rejection. I’m so very sorry baby.

it will always and was always you I choose. Every minute, every day, every second over everyone. Anytime it came down to me choosing something or you.. I chose you every time. Even to my own demise sometimes (iykyk)

im sorry for the times i over talked you or made what you were saying or showing me seem unimportant to me. That’s the furthest from the facts. I soaked up everything and anything I could learn from you and loved it most of all. Things that I do to this day are because of you. ill be building a wire fence to keep the brat in the yard or putting together a shelf or having a fire to burn all the limbs and junk in my (I wish OUR) backyard and I’ll hear your words in my head like “measure twice, cut once” or ”fire burns up, the part where it turns yellow.. that’s the hottest part” I will have you know that I have lit so many fires with so little starters and I know you would be proud. God I fucking miss my baby.

im sorry that i withheld sex and (oh god don’t ever use this against me) and made it to where you felt like you had to go to someone else to get your needs met. It’s not okay. Either of us. My living situation made it hard for us to be alone, I felt like you didn’t want me like that… so many things. You know what it was. But it was NEVER and I mean EVER because I wasn’t attracted to you. You are the most attractive man I’ve ever and guarantee will ever see. I’m not saying you’re not getting old, I mean we both are. You ain’t no spring chicken anymore. But every little thing from your toes to your cow lick or tiny ears. It all drives me crazy and I swear was DESIGNED JUST FOR ME. I’m sorry I didn’t show that more.

that last paragraph made me remember something, remember when we went fishing and to the beach after a brief no contact… it was late late at night and we walked so far down the edge. We ended up at a pavilion that was empty at a park that was mostly vacant. And the tension was there we both felt it. Your body started reacting before our brains caught up. And even though you can’t see when my body reacts to you and I don’t say it out loud, but mine was too. I wonder if that’s because of how we are so linked internally with our thoughts and feelings it even goes to our ugly bits. they talk to each other all the time and we only sometimes get to give them what they want lol now mine is talking. its wants to yell at you so bad. ok ok Im sorry for getting off track. Anyway, you bent me over that picnic table and I swear I’ve never felt you inside of me so vividly, so fully, so intensely.

looking Back I think that’s the last time we unabashedly were together physically. There was the weekend right before everything went down. But you weren’t really present. You were just trying to satisfy me. And I appreciate that. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you didn’t or I didn’t know how much you did for me in that department. I know you did. And I know you enjoyed it. You know how? Because the best part of sex with you for me is seeing you feel good because of something I’m doing for you. That face, I can’t think of anything better.

im sorry for what I’ve been feeling the last 3-4 days, that I have no doubt has carried over to you. I think the shock has wore off and the move is done and the house is settled and it’s all really hitting me. I love you so fucking much and I know I will never stop.. I am hurting so bad over this.

im sorry when I always tell you I don’t care or I don’t want to be with you. That is the opposite of the truth. But I truly think you know that. At least I hope you do.

there’s a lot more I should say sorry for, but the beach description has me flustered and not thinking straight So I’m going to stop here. There is one more thing Im going to say sorry for and that is this next bit…

it’s not over for me. Even with everything going on. It will never be over. Please don’t leave me. I know we both need time to deal with our shit. And the shit We’ve put each other through but don’t quit on us. Let’s talk, in person. Let’s slowly let down the latest wall we built a few minutes or hangouts at a time. And once we can get through that one we can slowly start working on the next. I love you with every single cell and every thing I am. i will never stop. I know we both could be happy with someone else. That we both would probably be better off mentally with someone else. But we both would be thinking about and wishing it was the other the whole time.

lifes too short for that. So text me please, call me even. Better yet just show up. I promise I won’t be mad or reject you. I might be a little stiff at first, but that won’t be because of you.

I know you’re on here, at least looking and possibly seeing what I write about you. About us. If you’ll luck into finding this one, choose me this time please. choose to reach out I mean. No expectations no pressure.

if you were to write something on one of these subs about me I’d definitely see it. I doom scroll constantly. It would mean a lot if you did. You would know how to let me know it was for me without giving yourself away.

I love you baby. It’s you. It’s always been you. It will always be you. it will never not be you.

I love you - me 🐊

I can’t reach out. I can’t. my heart wont let me. but you can. you should. at least think about it. really think about it

and the tears came like never before. alone in the kitchen. making some sweet tea. I was embarrassed and relieved at the same time. embarrassed because if I had found you.. that would mean you’ve seen my desperation and attempt to do so here over the last few months. albeit, never thinking you’d actually be able to. so it’s fruitless (haha that’s funny)

and relieved because that would mean you were looking too. which would mean you feel something, for someone, can't assume it’s me. but a girl can hope. story of my life.

tonight is different and I feel… I don’t even know. like I’m so exhausted that I could run into you at the store and not feel anything. Or you could show up where I am and I’d not say I word just look at you. I don’t even have questions anymore. I don’t need to ask.

I’m so lost.

I think I’m going to stop participating in these subs for a while.

when a little hard there for a bit.

id be lying if I said I wont still look at every single post and try to make a connection of you reaching out for me.

I have a notes app on my phone titled “thoughts and possible letters” lol it’s when I think of some wordy way to word something and don’t want to loose it… like when im driving or something.

im going to leave the last few of them here so they aren’t in vain. i hope you and everyone for that matter find peace.

(most all of these, including this has been a voice to text so please consider that with any grammar mistakes)

My tongue cuts worse than a thousand knives..But it’s the only weapon I know how to use.

I’m sorry, I let my insecurities about my physical appearance push you away and keep me from expressing my love to you the way I wanted to every day, all day in intimate ways

I’ve always been OK with being alone. I think that’s where me and you differ. But this is a whole new kind of alone, it’s not the same. You’re not waiting on the other end of a phone or a text or blow up you’re just not there anymore

Everything is laced with you …the streets I drive. the signs I see. the music I hear. the cars people drive. the food I crave but never have the appetite to eat. the places I stop. the gas station pump. the ball fields. the power lines. fly traps. the garden section. some of these things and none of these things are directly you. it’s not a code to decipher or a clue to anything. it’s just me trying to show that your in everything because your still engrained in every part of me. 

What I don’t get, is that it’s possible for someone to cheat and still be respectful to their partner and their marriage and their relationship… But not you. It’s like you thought to yourself “I’m already cheating, She’s already staying, What the fuck does it matter” So you lied which OK that’s part of cheating subtract the lying…  you abandoned me often. You left me frequently. I lived in my car for over a year loosing my mind while you hopped around from female to female and hotel room and hotel room. You ignored my cries for help and never once stood up for me in front of “company”. 

Even during our longest times apart, there was always this quiet knowing or understanding. Even if I’d be open to and talking/spending time with others, you were out there…so i was never going to be anybody else’s. And I was OK with that. But now I feel forced to let that go, and it feels like letting go of who I am..

i worked so fucking hard to get us here.

and when I should be ecstatic, excited, rearranging and decorating ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS WHAT YOU’VE done.

I sacrificed and stayed in and focused on what it would take to get us to a place of our own. and I fucking did it. without help from anyone, including you.

You kept busy and found other distractions because you can’t sit still or be alone for more than 2 minutes without your grief and guilt taking hold.

how the hell are you thinking you can raise a new human? god damn your such a fucking idiot.

you’ll always regret losing me more than I’ll regret loosing you. and that, at least gives me a little comfort.

i love you. but god do i fucking hate you

i worked so fucking hard to get us here.

and when I should be ecstatic, excited, rearranging and decorating ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS WHAT YOU’VE done.

I sacrificed and stayed in and focused on what it would take to get us to a place of our own. and I fucking did it. without help from anyone, including you.

You kept busy and found other distractions because you can’t sit still or be alone for more than 2 minutes without your grief and guilt taking hold.

how the hell are you thinking you can raise a new human? god damn your such a fucking idiot.

you’ll always regret losing me more than I’ll regret loosing you. and that, at least gives me a little comfort.

i love you. but god do i fucking hate you

i worked so fucking hard to get us here.

and when I should be ecstatic, excited, rearranging and decorating ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS WHAT YOU’VE done.

I sacrificed and stayed in and focused on what it would take to get us to a place of our own. and I fucking did it. without help from anyone, including you.

You kept busy and found other distractions because you can’t sit still or be alone for more than 2 minutes without your grief and guilt taking hold.

how the hell are you thinking you can raise a new human? god damn your such a fucking idiot.

you’ll always regret losing me more than I’ll regret loosing you. and that, at least gives me a little comfort.

i love you. but god do i fucking hate you

That is not just a title, a subject line, click bait, a phase, a phrase, what the kids are saying, something said to pull you in…

That is the 100 percent nothing but fact, TRUTH. 

YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!

This one might be a little emotional and definitely vulnerable so I’m going on most likely take it down soon. Not that you’ll see it anyway because you’re not looking.

I’m so mad at you. So angry. And not because of what you probably think I feel that way for. I’m so mad and angry at you because your decisions took you away from me. Took away the life that I wanted only with you. Took away everything. And I had no say in it whatsoever. 

I don’t want to do this without you. I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to separate.

I want our life to finally begin. 

I used to say that I love you more than anyone in the history of life has ever loved anyone. And I still believe that to be true. 

I read these stories other post on here going through heartbreak, all different kinds. some Similar and some not familiar at all. And after I read everyone of them and relate and feel their pain, I’m saddened for another reason. 

They don’t know love like we do. Is that messed up? That all this love being thrown into empty words on here and I feel like our love is more and our connection is stronger. 

At least I thought it was. But honestly, and without malice, how can you even know who you are when there is not one person in your life that you’re always completely honest with? Not even yourself. 

Maybe I feel it so strongly because I’m feeling it for you too. You know how we feel in tune with each other (and that’s putting it lightly) 

All I know is I’ve spent 10 years without you before. You were the mold that no one ever fit into. After us the first time I compared them all to you. And one way or another they would come up lacking.

Is that what my next 40-50 years is going to be? If so take it, I don’t want it. I don’t want to be without you in my life.

And I like the idea of friends, but come on now. We both know we wouldn’t never be able to have the emotional ability to be just friends. Not with all the chemistry and magnetic attraction. 

But then again maybe I’m delusional, and you let me go with what I thought we were/this was so you wouldn’t rock the boat. Towards the end there i was quick to snap. I was angry. I was tired. I wanted a partner. I wanted you. And you never stepped up but always told me you wanted what I wanted. 

I didn’t need or want you to do anything in a specific way or “my way”. What I wanted was quite simple to be honest. And I’ve thought about it many many times. What I needed…what I told you I needed wasn’t too much. It wasn’t asking for the moon. In fact, it was the bare minimum for most other relationships. 

You’ll never be able be honest with me. I know that now. Never one hundred percent. And not even because you don’t want to “ruin” anything or fuck up future what ifs. But because you would have to admit I was right. The whole time. About most of all of it. Not even that it would be said that I was by me or you. But it would be there. And I know you. Your pride and d*ck measuring contest with me won’t let you. 

Just no that I love you. And a little clarity and a little honesty and apology would do me wonders. 

-(ex) Wife 💚🌊

sometimes known with a name that starts with C from family and close friends.

I give you my word that I won’t screenshot anything or use anything against you.

if you miss me in the slightest, please do. Even though I don’t expect it to lead anywhere other than where we’re already going.

I need to fill or hear something that says this wasn’t fake.

text me ASAP. don’t be a mr(s) slow about it. get on with the show and do it already.