I think I was just a short chapter in your life
I wonder if it was as beautiful and thrilling to you
As it was to me
But for me,
You were the start
Of my main storyline
That I'll want to read over and over again
Forever
I think about you every second of every day. You’re my whole world. I do everything I can to see you as much as I physically can. I’d change my whole life for you. I’d sacrifice my life for you. I’ll be there at your lowest and when you’re at your best. I want to lay every night with you in my arms. You make me the happiest person alive. I love you, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I want you in my life, I want to be a family with you. I will fight every day to keep you in my life. I will fight for you no matter what. Losing you has been the most painful experience I’ve ever endured. I want you back, I want our family back. I promise you I will never hurt you again, I promise you I will give you me whether I’m tired or happy. I promise I’ll leave you again. I promise you I’ll always fight for you. I promise I will lift you up instead of drag you down.
But… if you really said that to me, I wouldn’t go back. I would NEVER have you back. Even if you thought this you would never say it, because you know I’d say no. Maybe in 3 years from now I’d feel differently, but we would have moved on by then. And I don’t think I’d ever trust you to not leave me again. Instead, I’m watching you walk away and it’s one of the most painful things I’m experiencing.
You stopped texting me for a while and I thought that was it. I felt relieved. I felt that I’m finally making progress trying to move on. I still think of your hugs and kisses everyday, and I want to stop. I’m tired.
I have days to be excited for. I don’t want to spoil this excitement I’m feeling after such a long time. I avoid the places you usually go to because I don’t want to see you. I know that if I see you, I will stop dead in my tracks and I would have to try to get home without making it look like I want to cry.
I don’t want to see you, but your text made me realise how desperately I want to hug you. All because I saw your name in my notifications. I miss the feeling of cuddling you. Remember that one hot day when we were sitting in your balcony and I was sleeping on your chest? That was a very comforting feeling. You did not let me fall asleep though. I wish you had.
I wonder…
I wonder if you realize why I’m still?
Let me tell you.
I’m letting you guys fix this because you guys interfered where you shouldn’t have. You assumed to know my destiny, you tried to take it as your own because you believed you could do it better; meanwhile, not even knowing what it is that I have been called for.
Your poor choice is a reflection of your belief in God or rather, lack there of. You assumed to know my Soul better than God. You decided you were bigger than the game; bigger than Your Creator. There is consequences for believing and especially for acting on that belief. You’re none of you beyond hope or salvation, I climbed from the abyss myself, it is possible. You just have to do the work; tell the truth. Be selfless, humble, generous, kind.
You could have tried to talk with Him. You could have cultivated your own relationship with the divine but because it requires trust, faith and answers that arise from within you, answers you cannot “fact check” you didn’t or couldn’t believe what you felt (if you ever even tried to commune, that is) your internal state is unbalanced and instead of doing the work to come into alignment with your self, with your God you chose to steal the essence of knowing from unknowing Women. You used the most powerful force in the world and you twisted it, perverted it and used it for personal gain, you basically spit in Gods face. You shamed your Mothers. You chose to steal from the very beings you came through, the beings you were tasked to protect. You will atone for that.
My walk in this world has been a simple one. I am meant to embody the template, to simply be myself. The reason it looked so big to you was because it was YOUR interference and intentional chaos that was intended to catapult me into the very level you were coveting. No matter what you did or didn’t do I would’ve made the same impact on the World because it’s not what I do, it’s who I am. Just me existing in my authenticity acts as an anchor: I am holding the frequency.
I don’t want fame. Never cared for a fortune. Those of you who know me, ask yourself one question: What is important to me?
I won’t answer for you because I don’t need to, if you know, you know.
I didn’t break it and neither did you, but you did purposely unbalance the scales and in your karmic rebalancing I find my freedom.
I love you all. I feel you all. I’m not angry at you but I’m done with your games. I have allowed you to tire yourselves out and come to the same conclusion that has always been inevitable.
You’ll find only love here.
-Amn
10:00 a.m. Monday off.
Woke dreaming of Lore even though we swore…up and down, left and centre…we were done. Tried to rebrand. The same patterns leak through.
I am me. That will always be true.
Caught in a strange limbo. Thoughts roll through my mind like barbed wire…always the same signs. Where ravens once knocked on my roof, now red-tailed hawks circle loose.
Discarded flowers.. roses, sunflowers. A row gone wrong. Same song again.
I walk through my house as if the objects haven’t grown tired of me. Funny how I try to abandon myself and end up where I began.
Ask Percival.. why am I like this? Why am I downvoted?
Scrolling, I see it again:
“We humans have created a whole other world—an alternate reality: Cybertopia.”
That voice always knew me.
Did I push the world away on a golden platter? Why did I believe there was someone out there just like me?
I am built differently.
Wounds and bruises…mostly my own doing. My defensiveness my worst enemy.
I loop. I loop. I loop.
And I’m tired.
Can’t you wrap your arms around me?
I miss you so much, I can't tell you how dark my life has been since you left us. I know C missed you but not so much anymore, I think she's forgotten. Just like how you've forgotten about us, our family. We were a family and you abandoned us like we meant nothing to you. I never thought you'd do this to us, to me. You promised. You promised me the whole world and then shattered my heart. I've never felt so broken and empty in my life, I've never felt so hurt by someone I loved so much. If my love could have overpowered the pain, I wouldn't have felt any of it. I felt so safe in your arms and now I know how wrong I was to have ever believed it.
I will never trust you with my heart ever again.
I love you but I can't.
Please please please make it stop, I cant hurt like this for much longer.
My heart is broken.
I miss you
What happened to forever and always
I wish I could delete the memories