u/BitchImLilBaby

How do I overcome my lack of bedroom experience?

So I haven’t dated that much. Part of it is being autistic and worrying that I’m not good enough for women, part of it is also that I was so focused on getting good grades and experience in college. I started dabbling in dating last year and had okay results. I came away with one short term relationship, which is better than nothing. But I feel like it could’ve been more if I wasn’t such an inexperienced noob.

So the first time I met my ex, I invited her back to my place because I just felt a really good vibe. She took me up on it. Some clothes came off and she said she hadn’t shaved yet, so I took it as a sign that we could just keep it at kissing and cuddling. The second date, more clothes came off and we were dry humping and I basically froze and panicked. I told her I was a virgin and had performance anxiety and I just felt like such a feminine insecure man. Part of it was I didn’t want to lose my virginity to someone random - I wanted it to be with someone I wouldn’t regret. She said it wasn’t a big deal, and that we could take it slow, and we ended up having sex about a week and a half later once I felt more confident.

We had sex several more times after that. It was good, and I got the feeling she thought the same way. I tried to just get to know her and where she liked to be touched. I always took my time with foreplay, made her feel like she was appreciated, etc. But I think it was a little too vanilla for her. She told me that she was relatively experienced and that sex is important to her in a relationship. And whenever she’d want to do doggy, I froze. I didn’t know where to put it in. And I remember the lack of confidence made me lose my erection. And I felt like a lesser man because of it.

She ended up breaking up with me about two months after we started seeing each other. She told me “I’m not ready for a relationship”. I wanted to take it at face value and believe her, but when I got back on the dating apps, I saw her. And it really hurt. Like we all have to start somewhere. It’s just like the job market. You need experience to get a job, but a job is needed to get experience. And it just hurts that it feels like everyone expects me to have everything fully figured out just because I am a man.

She still messages me, but hints that we’re just friends. So I knew I did good enough to make her trust me, but it feels like I wasn’t good enough at sex to make her want me romantically. It just hurts man. I had a hook up after her and she wanted to do doggy and the same shit happened. I want to ask for guidance but worry that doing so will turn a woman off.

I just don’t get it. I went to a well-known school. Communications degree with a minor in sociology. Distinction graduate. Had an internship. Have a portfolio. Yet every application for marketing, sales, coordinator, project manager, account manager - nothing. Absolutely nothing. Yet somehow most of the people I went to school with, seem to have jobs. It’s just so devastating. I have nowhere to go to express my outlet of frustration and shame without people thinking less of me. I just want to get my life started. It’s why I went to a good school. I just want a career so that I have a purpose in life besides making coffee for people. So that women think I’m a suitable prospect to actually date and form a relationship with, instead of seeing me as just a kid. So that my family can actually be proud of me. I just don’t get why the universe has to choose to punish me over and over and over. It’s already hard enough for me as an autistic man, like fuck dude.

“Go to school, work hard and get a degree, then you’ll get a 9-5, make money, find a wife, get a house, and be happy.”

I did what they told me to do. Yet I have a lot of doubt if I’ll do anything besides earning a degree. I’m 25 and feel like I’m still stuck at 18.

Everyone says this job market is terrible, but somehow everyone else I went to school with has a job in their field except for me. I hate when people say “No one wants to work”, because that isn’t true at all for most people I know. I want to work, I want to feel useful to society - I just don’t want to get paid only $20/hr for a job that requires a college degree and not feel like applying to something is essentially throwing my information into a black hole.

I have lots of friends wondering how I’ve stayed single my entire life. They constantly praise my intelligence, humor, passion, and self awareness. Things that people say they supposedly care about. But when I try to date, it’s a different story. Constant examples of ghosting, “I don’t feel a spark”, “I’m not ready for a serious relationship”. I’ve done the work on myself.

The only real explanation I can think of is that I just don’t have enough money or aren’t conventionally charming or attractive enough. Like people are more focused on how their partner looks to the world rather than how they make them feel. And having autism doesn’t help me when it comes to dating. I’ve found myself consuming red pill content sometimes, not out of malice or hatred towards women, but because it’s the only way I feel seen in a society that seemingly shamed any man that isn’t part of the top 10% that has their life fully figured out. I try to shut it out, and I don’t agree with the rhetoric, but I find there being certain points made from time to time that I can’t say are entirely wrong.

Maybe it’s my fault that I’m trying to go into a career that’s primarily female dominated and there’s concern if I can actually do the job or why I’m not in finance or STEM or something. I’m trying to pivot, I’m trying to go to grad school for accounting. But that would take two years. I know getting started at 27 is better than never, but I worry I’m going to “age out” of life. By the time I finally get on my feet, I worry that it’ll be too late. That people will see this guy and wonder why he didn’t figure it out earlier.

I don’t have the best relationship with my parents. I’m living on my own because I’m legit happier than I would be with them, not facing constant pressure of “Why don’t you have a real job/a partner?” I just want to know that it will all be okay. My mom’s brother is 50 and never married or had kids. I don’t want to end up like him. I’m trying to do everything I can to avoid that fate, and it still feels like it hasn’t worked. I’m just wondering what’s the point to everything…

I (25M) got a liberal arts degree two years ago, the job field isn’t good, and I realize I need to switch to something more stable. My younger brother makes serious bank at his accounting internship and I don’t really care too much what I do as long as I can pay my bills. I’m really good at numbers and paying attention to detail so I’ve considered accounting.

I’m debating going back to school - my alma mater actually recommends the masters program since it takes less time than another bachelors. I luckily didn’t take out that much in undergrad student loans so debt isn’t really on my mind right now.

But some people say I don’t need to go back to school. The only problem is I don’t know how to take my mostly writing experience and turn it into an accounting background, and I know I need school be eligible to take the test to become a CPA. What would be your best for someone looking to pivot at a younger age?

I’m 25. I graduated college two years ago. I have a lot of existential dread and some days I hate myself for not being as far as other men my age.

I stayed where I went to school - it’s a major city, so I thought it made sense to stay here to build connections and since moving back home to a small town would suck. I continued working my part time college job and picked up another one on the side while I searched for a full time role.

I’ve ramped up the job search, but in doing so have realized something: I was happier just focusing on working and being fully present within my jobs, rather than trying to pivot out of them. I make enough to get by. I have some credit card debt, but I’m slowly paying it down. I live a frugal life (rent a 2 bed with a roommate, no car, don’t buy many material goods), but still find ways to have fun.

I don’t want work to become my whole identity. I’ve seen some people my age already start to make work their entire identity and act like corporate politics is so fulfilling to them. Maybe it’s the autism in me but I refuse to let that be me. Seems like such a shallow life.

At the same time, I realize it would be nice to have money. I come from lower middle class and am working very hard to try and improve my class. I average about 50 hours of work a week right now. And unfortunately, corporate is one of the only ways to make REAL money. But I’ve been rejected for over a hundred roles already. It’s really discouraging. And I can’t help like my lack of status has hurt me in the dating world as well.

I know a lot of woman (not all, but I think more than would willingly admit it) still want a man to be the financial provider, or at least to have a really stable career. So I feel stuck. And the lack of direction has really hurt my confidence and made me feel like I’m not worthy enough to date, and I want to actually be an “adult” and be in a serious relationship and taken seriously, and work towards retirement and having a child and owning a home or at least a condo, but feel like people have already perceived notions about me being autistic so I’m not gonna be given that opportunity, and I feel a lot of things really heavily right now and it’s just something that I feel like I can’t open up about in public.

I have a lot of service experience so I might just try to work up to being a fine dining server. AI can’t replace that. Although with Trump ruining the economy, there might not be going out money. I just wish I wasn’t such a dumbass and gotten a communications degree. Hence why I’m thinking of doing grad school for accounting because that’s going to always be a career in demand and relatively AI proof as well. But that would take two years, and I probably wouldn’t get my career started until 28 as a result. I just feel stuck and like I have to figure out my life NOW before I become a failure. I just want my family to be proud of me one day and to be able to start my own one day as well.

Life genuinely feels like if you weren't born to a wealthy family, there's no way to break into the professional workforce.

I'm applying for internships - since that's what people say you need before you can get a "real" job. Even applying for these is nothing but constant rejection. Why was I told to get a degree, to try hard in school, to work part time jobs throughout school, if employers still are going to judge me because I come from a working class background?

I always send a follow up email after an interview, and even if my application is rejected, I reach out to employers and send a professional email asking what more I could have done to secure an interview or been offered the position. Absolute shocker, most of them don't reply back. It's so fucked up that hiring managers and HR teams expect way more professionalism out of their applicants than they do of themselves, but that's a story for another day...

I applied for an event planning internship because I have interest in working with my local city's government due to my love for both politics and the community. They said "We went with someone with more relevant direct event planning experience." Like... what the fuck!? Isn't that the whole point of an internship? To GAIN EXPERIENCE?

I had to work throughout college and went to an average public high school. I couldn't do things like "advertising club president (unpaid)" in college or "National Honors Society president" in high school to bolster my resume because I didn't grow up with money falling down from the trees. This whole fucking process is making me want to burn everything and revolt against the system. The meritocracy that was sold to me and my peers is a bunch of BULLSHIT, and only people that grew up rich are being given the chance to start their lives. Now I'll likely never have a "real" job, will stay single and never have a child my entire life because women desire the financial status of a man above all else (don't even say this isn't true because you know it is), and I genuinely feel like my life is already over. Fuck all this fucking bullshit, man.

I think almost everyone struggles with dating, whether men or women, and the other side is quick to put all the blame on the other gender. It just seems people don’t seem to understand nuance, and both sides have valid frustrations - but when you point them out to the other side, it just leads to seeming like in one ear and out the other.

For reference, I’m male. I know a lot of men, myself included, can feel the burnout of (usually) doing the planning, paying, and for it to usually not go anywhere. On one hand, I know that simply being the planner doesn’t make anyone entitled to anything. But wanting that connection is a very human nature. And when a man expresses frustration in that aspect, it can lead to people attacking their character despite not knowing them as people. I feel like those two things - “effort alone doesn’t make someone entitled to keep seeing you” and “it would be nice if someone can see my effort in more than a platonic way” aren’t mutually exclusive. But if a man expresses that, a man can often get accused of being red pilled. We say we want men to differentiate from the patriarchy, yet when they open up about insecurities from constantly being rejected or not feeling good enough, the lens is always “man up, become a better man then.” It doesn’t feel healthy.

And from the female perspective, I’m sure being bombarded with likes from men that clearly don’t align with you can be a bit draining. I know me myself wouldn’t want to date someone very conservative, someone that’s never gone to therapy, someone that isn’t educated, etc. But it feels like these things get projected onto EVERY man, even the ones that can make it to the first date stage and get past the initial screening, and are trying to be genuine. I’ve heard a lot of women say things like being wary of men, being concerned for their safety, etc. And I totally sympathize with that. But on a first date, most people have done enough screening to give this man a chance and agree to a date with them. If a man agrees to meet you in public, does the planning, offers you a clean way out, it’s not fair to him to plant your concerns onto him. Like we’ve both done the vetting up to that point. It’s not fair to pin past experiences on that man.

Overall, I just feel like both sides are very burnt out and plant their insecurities on the other side. And if you do truly feel that way, maybe some therapy is needed before you continue dating. But that’s just my thoughts. Would love to hear other feedbacks.

I just can't help but feel burnt out by the whole dating process.

I know a lot of men feel this way, and the truth is there's a lot of guys out there that are very conservative, don't really take care of themselves, and have no interests, and wonder why they're struggling. But I feel like a lot of men like me that struggle don't really have something we can point to that would solve it.

I've never really had a "bad" date. We have deep conversation on every date. But almost every time, it ends one of the same ways. "I don't feel a spark", "You're such a great guy, but...", "I'm not ready for a relationship", "There's no romantic connection." It just fucking hurts after a while. I can't help but feel like people just don't say the quiet part out loud and that they really think "I don't want to date an autistic person".

People are like "Dating is supposed to be fun!" And from a woman's perspective where you're being courted, I'm sure it is. But from the man's perspective, where you have to do the courting, expected to abide to all the social norms and always pay and be masculine and lead and be mysterious and be flirty but not creepy and text but not too much... it's way too much mental games to be played. I'm trying to fit into a role that don't fully understand, and I'm feeling the burnout. I do want to find a partner, I want that responsibility and I want to share my life with someone. I just don't know where to meet neurodivergent women.

People always say “Oh you can’t give up, we’ve thought the world was ending before and we turned out fine.” But things have never been as bleak as before.

I don’t care about how good the made-up economy is and how successful the top 1% of people with fake email jobs are when the rest of us are getting priced out of society. Everything is getting more expensive and we’ve seen with post-Great Recession and post-COVID, the greedy bastards won’t lower prices even when things return to normal. It feels like pretty soon it’ll be a luxury to even be able to rent. Companies continue to lay off people to increase CEO profits, double down on AI despite it being an objective evil for mankind, people continue to vote for the Republican Party, and I just don’t get how over half of the country can be so stupid and/or ignorant.

I don’t need to live a luxurious lifestyle. Boomers tell me I’m entitled to thinking that a full time job that requires a college degree should be enough to pay for all basic expenses, some entertainment, and some savings. People are like “Just never go out, just never buy anything, just never feel any joy in life.” You realize how that’s not fucking sustainable?? It used to be a second job was optional, something to use if you wanted extra money or were in a hard spot. But now two jobs seems like the minimum to be able to live on your own; and in an economy where there aren’t as many jobs available, that’s obviously a shit storm. So many of my friends are in the same position as me, where seemingly all we do is work. We’re disconnected from society, absolutely miserable, and if the economy keeps going this way I will never make enough to be able to buy a house or have a child. So why the FUCK should I continue to believe the woes of capitalism?

I wouldn’t call myself suicidal, I love my friends and family and simple pleasures in life too much. But I don’t know how much longer I can carry on with working three jobs just to keep myself afloat and try to build a future.