u/Adept-Foot7692

I was abused at home, gaslighting, physical abusey threatening, verbal abuse, humiliation, mockery, being blamed you name it I lived it. That was parental abuse - okay got that one. I turned 10 and it just kept getting worse

But then I was ostracized by my peers and ignored all throughout middleschool except for maybe one or two friends who were also excluded. I was the most ignored one tough. I was made fun of constantly and I tried to hide. Teachers treated me badly too all throughout the 4 years.

As if that isn't enough, I grew up very close with my extended family, cousins around my age, who suprise surprise would frequently make fun of me, put me down, exclude me and then act like nothing happened. Every time. Later on all my cousins older and younger became buddies with each other but I was like estranged despite being around them. They'd invite me just to outcast me a lot too all these years.

My cousin who had loving parents would get comforted coddled and spoiled by all extended family but when I suffered I was left completely alone. We're the same age same relatives. As if that isn't enough I only had friends who'd put me down or mock me or leave me.

Even when things are better now at 21 I dont know if I can live with all this. I need answers. Why did everyone collectively just mistreat me

I have a lot of low frequency dreams, many in which I die. Su-cidality has been a hot topic for me since I was 11, you can imagine the amazing life path I've been sent on. (btw Im not s-dal anymore. Im pulling this life through they'll jut sent me back. I knew this since 15)

The minute I start contemplating serious su-cide I get crazy dreams that dont feel like dreams. In almost all of them I die but I dont wake up yet. I become energy and separated from the body. Every time an entity appears and they dont even ask me if I want to come back. It's always basically like "Stay until the funueral or however long you need to process this life and then we'll move on to the next one". When I say I dont want to see the funeral or mourning of people I knew, I am forced to stay on earth plane anyway, I can't leave before I've stayed atleast for a bit after my death.

Then they tell me I'll come back and its like my soul doesn't even protest because in every dream I regret dying because I want the physical experience, eating, crying, laughing, having a body etc. In one dream I begged a spirit to shoot me back in the body and they told me it's physically not possible I have to make ammends and move on. That's why I never ended it because I wouldn't be able to move on if I did it to myself Im extremely attched and I'd be a ghost on earthplane.

Where these spirits loving? No. They were very logistical about it, not mean more like indifferent or neutral like ofc I'll come back. There was always some sort of tunnel and memories being reviewed but even when I wasn't in human form I was INSANELY attached to my person in this life and I didn't necessarily feel suffering or pain as a spirit but more like being very annoyed irtitated that it ended so soon before I really could "play".

Bonus: As a child I was incredibly unimaginably grateful to have "come here" as a girl again. I remember constantly thinking about it and how happy I am that I was allowed to come here as a girl because a boys life is less fun or not my preference at age 5-6. I would tell everyone death isn't real like they think it is and I took this life pretty light heartedly as a child. It was like I was aware I came here but to me all of it was like fun I couldn't take the matrix sefiously.

Now at 21 it's kind of both very serious dark and rich in suffering and misery as well as just fun not that serious.

I dont know what to think tbh. I do think I chose to come here because I remember thinking it was soooo incredibly difficult to convince whomever that I could come back again and I was so happy as a child that ut all worked out, I got to be the gender I wanted and in the country I wanted etc. I even planned my brother to come here. I would annoy my mother 24/7 telling her I was supposed to have a sibling and when its going to come. When she got pregnant I was very impatient because of that.

Even tough I know I chose this life I dont think I knew what was coming at all. I wanted a happy life. I remember thinking as a toddler that I dont understand why humans are so sad often they can create anything they want and life is so fun. I don't think I was informed on the fact that I would be experiencing childhood physical and emotional abuse for years as well as any other crap I went through.

I was shocked to my core because I genuinely was very naive and light oriented person. I thought everyone was like me. The amount of narcissism egoism and speration found in the avergae person I didn't know earth operated like that or I had forgotten. I'd probably still come back here again after this life. I know Im too attached to earth plane and that scares me. My energy and form have been severely degraded in this life that consisted of mostly suffering. I do know my life's purpose still remains happiness yet the systems of this world are set-up for suffering instead. Unfortunately I cannot leave Im attached due to curiosity, desire and fear.

The thing is if you continue reincarnatinz without taking breaks in whatever place you originated from, you'll just derade your energy and manifest worse and worse each time they send you back here meaning you'll live even more shitty lives being target or victim.

It's not an applause worthy matter to be well adjusted to a society that is ill. We learn pretty young how it works. In a selfish world the selfish succeed. While that is true for the individual who has the resources to be selfish, collectively it makes everything worse for everyone. Looking away is pleasantly fine, amazing even until what you're looking away from starts smelling, suddenly despite being turned away you see smoke and then you realize it affects you too, because we're connected. That wont occur to us.

We'll exploit each other, we'll compete, we'll seperate until we're the ones standing near the fire, then we see, one branch burned, all trees burn. Until then we can continue to treat souls with bad luck as disposable in this fantastic russian roulette system we've created.

Dont dare say this, comply or you're the ill one. It's not that bad. Probably isn't that bad when you have a buffer, loving family or support that disillusions you from seeing the truth. What if you were unlucky and didn't have them? Would the capitalist liberal world care? Certainly not the therapists who get paid to convince you to mold yourself into a model they claim fit as you starve for human needs. When the buffer is gone you see the structure naked and it's not looking good, revolting actually.

My self claimed best friend of 6 years keeps shutting me off any time I mildly talk abt a problem even in grief saying it's for therapy or that she's not therapist. All my life people looked away from my abuse saying its for therapist to tackle and the therapists? Never gave a shit. I wouldn't have been traumatized had I been cared abt. But my suffering that wasn't my fault was treated as an individual seperate issue by systems and people in my life. Friends leave you, I was a minor. Nobody takes responsibility. Its privatized in the nuclear family home. Relatives everyone avoid it. No community.

On your own. Poeple are barely making it in life, scarce resources, they only think of their immiade close ones. Evsryone else in on their own. And if you're unlucky and are born into a hateful family you have no backup. From then on you're number one prey and punching bag to everyone poeple can smell your fragility vulnerability and loneliness. So what do they do? Treat you worse because our system reeards that

Sick. Healthy human society would make it so a village would help a suffering one. Not add further harm isolation and blame as well as privation of other enduced suffering

Therapy is a plaster it prevents collective problem solving of real issues and instead treats the very sane individual like their thinking is ought to get them. It's all insanity.

Sometimes when I feel a lot of accumulated tension in scalp, shoulders neck chest I intuitively massage pressure point and or move that area and often what comes out are like ghosts of an emotion. Like grief but not fully dropping into crying or fully feeling ut rather like an echo of the past I breathe it out in some tune, I suddenly make noises like Im letting the pain out I feel it in my stomach it tenses and then releases the breath. Sometimes it sounds like a half scream but I rarely make it far enough to drop into crying.

Is that normal?

Every time I tell them one of those times a guy or man hit on me they claim "men will hit on anything" or "he is probably a lonely person" or something along those lines. I usually only tell these situations after they share to me how they got hit on in public. Any time I tell them anything where I get attention from guys they start telling me how guys are just desperate lonely etc.?

Im confused. Are they soft calling me ugly? Because when it happens to them it must be because they're gorgeous apparently but if it happens to me it must be a desperate person?

What's the deal, is this common?

I have cptsd and am on prolonged sickleave for a few months due to not being able to work, Im 21 and live alone.

But now my problem is I'm really broke. The money I get on sickleave covers the bare minimum of living if I budget really well.

So while I may not have chronic sleep deprivation like I used to knowing I have to work tomorrow again before, I instead have stress accumulating of all the bills I have to pay and whether I can buy myself fitting pants.

I feel torn. I feel more stable in many ways since not having to work (I still attend classes once a week) but the money problems are creeping up now on month 3.

I had binge eating and bul\*mia whilst working, I was overweight, sleep deprived, stressed, crying every day and now since being on sickleave for a few months I've fully recovered from these. I eat healthy, I no longer binge, I lost weight naturally, I exercise, go out in nature daily and I rarely breakdown anymore.

So what should I do? Start working full time again to be financially safer or should I whiteknuckle my way through basically the start of poverty?

Calculations can be off. I log my food into chatgtp and it's fine whatever. What triggers me is that I'll log my food in chatgtp will say my calories and then say Im not much in a deficit but rather maintenance and its fine or whatever. Like the calories of the day will be 1500 or 1600 and despite knowing my stats chatgtp often tells me it's maintaince or minimal weightloss. The reality is Im losing weight extremely rapidly at these supposed maintance calories. A lot of the days I eat even less at 1400 because I dont want to be at supposed maintaince. Until recently I just realized its crap. I lose weight at a healthier speed at even as much as 1800. Saying 1500 is maintance is crazy work.

So yeah I guess not accurate.

Having three planets in Virgo is not for the weak but in this post I want to show some love for this placement. In my otherwise super playful chart (leo sun, gemini moon gemini rising) the Virgo mars really carries me through for the practical branch in life because I genuinely at my core dont take anything seriously unless it's an opportunity for fun and novelty but the Virgo mars makes me have a get shit done attitude.

Virgo mars has many benefits, precise movements towards goals, well planned out routines, getting things done at a detailed pace one by one, makes smart choices and high amounts of discipline. I also tend to excell in areas of health, wellbeing when Im emotionally stable (mars 4th house). I love planning, making lists, doing tasks, cleaning, responsibilities etc it soothes me.

Really love that placement

Does parental abuse cause a child to be ignored/oucasted or bullied throughout school and later work/college?

Even as an adult Im avoided, ignored or left out in classes or new places.

It's a pattern in my life idk if its from cptsd!

Fat victims of abuse often face significant barriers to having their experiences taken seriously due to systemic fatphobia, societal biases, and misconceptions about body size, according to studies. [1, 2]

Key Findings on Abuse and Weight Bias:

Secondary Victimization: Fat women, in particular, may experience "secondary victimization," where reporting abuse to authorities leads to further trauma, interrogation, and disbelief, as detailed on YourTango.

Perpetrator Mitigation: Research shows that when a victim is overweight, observers often exhibit greater sympathy for the perpetrator and are less likely to perceive the incident as serious.

Medical and Legal Bias: Healthcare professionals and law enforcement may hold biases that fat individuals are untrustworthy or responsible for their own suffering, which can lead to dismissed claims of abuse, say reports from Seattle University School of Law Digital Commons and other sources.

Targeting as Vulnerability: Predators may specifically target fat individuals, perceiving them as more vulnerable, insecure, or less likely to be believed if they report the crime.

Bullying and Misunderstanding: Weight-based bullying is often not taken as seriously as other forms of harassment, notes a study in Childhood Social Inclusion. This stems from a societal lack of understanding, where people falsely assume that weight is purely a matter of self-control, leading to reduced empathy for victims, according to a BBC News article. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8]

According to Google.

I was abused and bruised visibly as a 17 year old but I was obese. I had more relatives/people gang up on me blaming me telling me I need to grow up than any sort of sympathy. Social workers didn't take me seriously neither did therapists.

At 21 I get sympathy left and right by the same people and systems. Suddenly I'm such a poor victim because Im smaller.

Its stick and twisted. I wasn't helped because of fatphobia. I suffered almost su-ality because of societys disgusting fatphobia. When I tell that people deny it. They dont want to see just how grotesque fat discrimination is.

.Fat victims of abuse often face significant barriers to having their experiences taken seriously due to systemic fatphobia, societal biases, and misconceptions about body size, according to studies. [1, 2]

Key Findings on Abuse and Weight Bias:

Secondary Victimization: Fat women, in particular, may experience "secondary victimization," where reporting abuse to authorities leads to further trauma, interrogation, and disbelief, as detailed on YourTango.

Perpetrator Mitigation: Research shows that when a victim is overweight, observers often exhibit greater sympathy for the perpetrator and are less likely to perceive the incident as serious.

Medical and Legal Bias: Healthcare professionals and law enforcement may hold biases that fat individuals are untrustworthy or responsible for their own suffering, which can lead to dismissed claims of abuse, say reports from Seattle University School of Law Digital Commons and other sources.

Targeting as Vulnerability: Predators may specifically target fat individuals, perceiving them as more vulnerable, insecure, or less likely to be believed if they report the crime.

according to Google.

This explains it. I got no symapthy when actively beaten blue black and red as a minor at 17 but now when Im not in that situation and 21 I get sympathy just vaguely mentioning abuse by the same people and system.

What's different? I was obese at 17 now Im healthy weight.

Nobody believes me that that's why I wasn't help because its just too horrible but unfortunately the truth. I had more relatives/ people turn against me when they saw me beaten then help me. The very same people support me afer I lost weight and see me as the victim.

SICK

I mean friends, family, relatives.....Im constantly treated like I'm less than or not important, continually let down, mistreated and what not

no gifts on birthdays/christmas and if then it's something rly cheap and meaningless, constantly left alone or abandoned during crisis, put down a lot, yelled at etc

I had gotten over this 2 year therapy where I perpetually lost my sense of self because of the attachment. I scheduled a final session a while ago because I felt I needed closure, turned out I didn't because I had finally after so long made peace with that. Hadn't been there since 3 months.

I forgot to cancel the last scheduled session tough so I begged my therapist for a refund because I dont think a final session is necessary and that I have nothing left to clarify. Therapist said its not possible but a final session would be good for me.

In this session, he started off by asking how I've been whats new, I stopped him there saying none of that has relevance here anymore lets not open that box.

Then we talked abt what went wrong. He tried explaining it. I said I rather felt he was inpatient with me and cold he tried telling abt how he was trying to support me and rly cared. He constantly mentioned that he was extremely upset for me all throughout therapy and whether I had noticed how he felt after the sessions. I said he looked relieved it was over but he told me he was always sad afterwards because of how my pain hurt him. All throughout he talked in a very kind and soft voice. He threw in an apology or two as well.

He continually kept saying this time he'll do it differently and also told we could rly work on that together if I chose to come and that it would rly help me so much. I declined and he again offered if I change my mind we can continue on these feelings. He would've told me what was rly going on on his side had I shared. (I tried bruh several times)

Throughout me critiquing him, he always talked abt how much he worried for me and that he was not indifferent. I didn't say much because again I just wanted to be over this not add to it. He wished me a good life then again asked what was going on in my life because he's been curious. I declined telling anything abt me, he asked abt some things in my life.

I left early because I felt this gut wrenching feeling of being attached that I had just worked so hard to get over. I am so confused now, should I have continued or did I make a mistake?

Am I the crazy overly attached one here or was that he trying to get me to continue instead of giving me proper closure?

I quit therapy where I was for 2 years. It was trauma therapy with EMDR. I arranged a last session because I was emotional but it was in 2 months. I forgot about it and worked on getting over it. I cried felt my feelings processed everything and I got to a point where I was over it and I felt really good and didn't care abt therapist anymore.

Unfortunately I couldn't cancel the next session the therapist wouldn't arrange a refund because it was too late. So I basically was paying a lot of money if I chose not to attend and that would eat my conscience. I went to the session

I told everything that went wrong, impatience I felt, pressure to get better, mixed signals every few sessions, and so on. He started talking rly softly and kindly explained everything, even threw in an apology or two, kept saying he wished I told it this way sooner and that we can work on this in therapy, that it sounds like Im rly sensitive to peoples emotions etc. Anyway he then again asked how my life was abt specifics I said it didn't matter since I wont be coming back and he said he knows but he's just curious and cares. Also told me that the distance I perceived, he didn't think I'd perceive it that way because in reality he was upset about my situation and confused how to help. I said I just needed to be heard and seen. He asked some more stuff and offered to continue therapy with him any time I want. It got emotional I left early to not cry.

Now Im back at square one and have to make sense of everything again....

Was I rly just imagining him being distant cold and annoyed and in relaity he was sad for me like he said or was I right? I had just made peace that he doesn't give a fuck and now this??

What does all that mean?