u/-OhWhale-

I’m stuck.

Our son LOVES being with both of us, I’m a stay at home mom and I’m scared he‘d try to make me get a job and put our toddler in daycare, I did and said CRAZY shit after I found out about my “husband’s” decade long affairs and I’m worried he try to fight for custody or something, I’m really just scared he’ll try to fuck over me and our son because I can’t trust him. At first he was all into treating me well, going to recovery groups, reading the Bible, etc. and now he’s pretty much back to being a jerk. It’s like we’re in a situationship while we raise our child because I need something out of this terrible fucking situation. I hate it here.

ETA he told me that affairs ended a few years ago. The guilt just got to him and he admitted everything. He seems to not be physically cheating now but he just had a porn relapse. Yay.

I do have a career that I resigned from. We agreed that I'd stay with our son until kindergarten. I'm thinking if I can just focus on him and get through these next few years, once my son is in school things should be calmed down and we can go through with a divorce then.

Things are just so fresh and messy right now and I don't trust my husband to not be like, "she's insane, your honor."

It's obviously a very rough draft, but you get the point.

One of my first memories, I’m hiding behind my childhood bedroom door. I think I was around four years old, and I was hiding because my dad was being scary. I don’t recall what he was doing when I went to hide, but I’m sure he was screaming. He might have been punching walls. I remember seeing holes in walls from them being punched by my father, but I’m not sure if I ever actually witnessed the wall-punching. He might have been hitting my mom, although I have no memory of seeing him hit her.

I don’t remember what he specifically did that triggered my instinct to hide, but I know that I was afraid. I was hiding behind my door, hoping that he wouldn’t find me. I just wanted him to leave. I just wanted him to get out of our house so I could breathe. Then he came into my room and peeked behind the door I was using to hide. Hello, terror, is that you? I don’t remember what he said word for word, but he told me that I didn’t need to be afraid of him. LOL oh okay. And that’s all I remember. 

Another memory I have of my dear father, I was in middle school. I was in my room getting ready for the day. He told me that we needed to leave soon. I, apparently with an attitude, told him to hold on because I wasn’t ready yet. He came into my bedroom screaming, and he started hitting me. I hadn’t done my laundry, so there was a pile of dirty clothes on the middle of my floor that I needed to sort through and wash. I lay on top of them while he screamed at me and hit me. It felt like it was going to last forever. I couldn’t escape. I felt helpless. I was terrified. I don’t know how long it went on.

I don’t remember what I did when he finally calmed down and left my room. I’m sure I wiped my tears and went to the car so that he could take me to school. I was sad and I was scared. I don’t remember the drive to my school, which thankfully was just a few streets over and just minutes away, but I’m sure I just looked toward my window and stayed as quiet and still as I could as he drove. That’s always what I’ve done when I’m uncomfortable or scared and trapped in a car with someone. And I make sure I don’t cry at all. If I cry, I fear that it will make him even angrier. So I hold it in.

I remember feeling embarrassed as I walked into school. I had been crying either while he hit me or right after or maybe a little bit of both, and my face becomes so red and blotchy when I’ve been crying. I don’t remember if anyone asked me if I was okay, but if they did, I certainly knew to lie. I can’t even imagine how angry my dad would get if CPS visited us, and I was not about to find out. Would he freak out and just shoot them if they showed up? Would he be nice and calm and then just hit me again once they left? I truly didn’t want to know.

He must have told my mom some version of what had happened, because she picked me from school to go to lunch with her that day. I don’t remember our conversation, but I’m sure she asked if I was okay. I imagine that she reminded me to not smart off to my dad because of how easily he’s able to become violent. Lunch was only half an hour. So I ate my soft taco and she took me back to school. One of my classmates had noticed that I wasn’t in the cafeteria during lunch and asked where I had been. “Oh, my mom came to get me and she took me to Taco Bell.” They were jealous that I got to go out for lunch.             

He has been addicted to porn since before he met me and he never told me until last year. He also spent the first decade of our relationship cheating with multiple women and spent a few more years continuing to lie. It started a few weeks into our relationship and I had no idea until he told me half a year ago because the guilt finally got to him. Proposed marriage to me while cheating. Bought a house with me while cheating. Got me pregnant on purpose while cheating. It's disturbing and disgusting.

I am staying because of our son. My husband and I parent so well together even now and we’re civil and get along. I thought we had a normal, happy family. Life felt beautiful before I found out about his affairs and porn addiction. Our sex life was great. We did it everywhere. We did it all the time. He just had a tiny ego that he wanted rubbed by his APs and he was addicted to cumming quickly to porn. He watched porn daily even in his car and went on dates, sexted, and had unprotected oral and vaginal sex once with one of his mistresses.

I cheated back shortly after finding out. I was quite literally going insane as I nearly offed myself earlier that week. My whole marriage is built on false pretenses. I sexted a guy on a dating app one day and told my husband about it that night. I ended up going on a date with the guy. We went back to his house and hooked up. We didn't have vaginal, anal, or oral sex, but he fingered me and I gave him a boob job and let him finish on my chest. I felt relaxed with him because he couldn't cheat on me and hurt me like my husband has. Texted him a couple more times then blocked him. My husband is very hurt by my actions. It's not a decade of cheating or straight up sex, but it hurt his feelings.

He’s been going to recovery groups for his porn addiction and was been porn-free for about five months and now he keeps relapsing. Awesome. We’re pretty much in a situationship at this point, except he’s still in love with me, whatever that means. Some nights we don’t even sleep together. Sometimes me mess around.

Anyway, we're going on vacation states away to a beach soon, and if a guy hits on me while I'm alone at the pool or bar or something, I kind of want to flirt with and kiss a stranger. I vacationed at the same beach over a decade ago and it was the first week my husband and I started texting each other. We weren't officially dating yet, but I didn't respond to guys who hit on me out of respect and the possibility that he and I might get into a relationship within the next few days. And just a month later, even though he had asked me to exclusively be his girlfriend, he was at his first AP's place. I just want to be flirty and sexy with a guy I'm never going to see again. I just need to turn my brain off. His cheating and porn addiction and lies and starting a family with me while I was completely in the dark- it’s just too much. I want to not think for a little bit and just have fun with a guy who isn’t my lying addicted husband.