r/storytimesociety

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ltownmans

Boyfriend [25M] told me he used to ask out “fat girls” for fun. Am I [22F] right to be disgusted by him?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Body shaming, bullying!<

Original post - rareddit March 3, 2019

My BF and I have been dating for 1 year. He’s a very tall, attractive guy. He was on the hockey team in university and his team was kind of like a bunch of frat dudes. But he never seemed like that kind of guy, he was always very kind and sensitive with me. He also seems to be a very respectful and caring person (he’s in medical school right now).

Some of his buddies from his former team came over yesterday, and were just talking and hanging out. They start talking about their old shenanigans in uni. My BF said “remember that time I broke the record for our ‘chunky chick challenge’?”

I asked what the chunky chick challenge was, and he said the goal was to ask out as many fat girls in a week. Everyone would put money in the prize pool, and winner would get the entire prize at the end of the week. Basically, he asked out like 50 fat girls over text/ in person (secretly recording their convo), and ghosted them on the date.

I was shocked, and said that was so mean and gross. My boyfriend said the challenge was just a joke, for fun, etc. He accused me of overreacting.

Am I though?

TL;DR: BF said he used to ask out and ghost fat girls in order to win a challenge.

TOP COMMENTS

relachesis

> "He also seems to be a very respectful and caring person" > > Apparently only to people who he deems attractive enough to be treated decently.

ZombieSlayer13x

>> PREACH. Can't wait till he is a doctor and has to deal with women/teenage girls who may or may not have weight issues. Bet he'll be a fucking treat >> >> Ugh

~

AuntyVenom

>Gross. If your bf still says it's a joke, after maturing a bit, and doesn't understand the deplorable nature of his actions, and is telling you you are overreacting and not fessing up to being a waste of space in college -- yeah, that's a no. Character counts.

~

[deleted]

> Am I [22F] right to be disgusted by him? > > I know a lot of people here are saying, "Yes, you are right." > > But you didn't choose to be disgusted and shocked. You just were. People don't choose their feelings, and feelings aren't something you sit around and have intellectual debates about. It doesn't matter if you're right or not. > > The fact is that you feel disgusted and there's no reasoning that feeling away. So you're asking the wrong question. The real question is, "Do I want to spend more time with someone who doesn't find this behavior disgusting?"

Update March 7, 2019 (4 days later)

Quick update. I confronted my BF after his friends left and told him that I was genuinely concerned about his treatment of those girls. I said he lacked empathy and I can't believe he doesn't see what was wrong with his actions. He finally acknowledged that yes, what he did was mean. He says he didn't want to seem "boring" to his friends. I said I thought he was better than that.

I told him I was worried about how he'd treat me if I gained weight in the future. He said that I was the type of person to "always stay skinny". I said he can't be so sure of that, especially if I get pregnant. I said I was scared by his shallowness.

Long story short, I broke up with him. He's super sad and has been apologizing non stop via text. No matter what he says I just can't get his cruelty out of my head. It's made me much less attracted to him, and I don't want to be associated with that kind of person, as I am a new grad nurse in a eating disorder clinic, and I see the kind of effect that rude comments and actions have on young women. One of the teenage girl patients is anorexic because she used to be fat and bullied in school. I am disgusted to think that my boyfriend embodies the cruelty of her bullies.

TL;DR: Broke up with BF even after he acknowledged that he was being "mean" and apologizing. As a nurse, I hope I never have to interact with him in a professional setting.

FINAL COMMENTS

Peeka789

> I'm a guy > > I knew people like that. My guess is that he does not feel bad at all. He only feels bad because he saw how you reacted to it. He most likely thought he was doing those fat girls a 'favor' by giving them attention. Don't be fooled OP, he does not feel bad. He's got a lot to prove if he wants to show remorse for being a cruel fuck. Fuck that 'I was trying to impress my friends' bullshit. > > This is my experiece with these kind of people.

~

Guardiancomplex

> You're an eating disorder nurse and he thought you'd find that story funny? > > Sounds like you dodged an idiot bullet as well as a sociopath bullet. > > You made 100% the right decision.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/bfbaldthrow

My (23F) boyfriend (25M) and his family are angry because I wouldn't shave my head for his sister who has cancer.

BoRU 1 Posted by u/wynonajim

Editors Note: the previous BoRU didnt have the final deleted update

**TRIGGER WARNING: >!cancer entitlement!<

Original Post July 7, 2015

Hi Relationships, I'll try to keep this short and blunt. Please don't judge before you've read the entire thing, I promise I'm not as awful as I sound in the title.

I've been with Matthew for 3 years now, and we have a perfect relationship. I know everyone says that, but it really is true. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I've only met his family a few times because they live pretty far away and my boyfriend had a huge falling out with his father a couple of years ago. They've since patched things up, but it's still not the same as it was. Matthew is not particularly close to his sister because she's 12 years younger than him and he doesn't see her that often. Of course he still loves and adores her, but they're not a very close family. Jessica has cancer and as a result has lost all of her hair. Matthew was devastated, obviously, and has been going to visit her more often. I have only seen her a few times since, because of work commitments. I have been down twice alone (without Matthew) to visit her in hospital. She’s a lovely young girl and I’m devastated for her and their family.

Jessica is home at the moment and Matthew's mum called last Friday and asked if we could go over there. Upon arrival Matthew's mum whipped out a pair of scissors and shavers and said that the whole family was shaving their heads for Jessica. My job is modelling. I have very thick, natural auburn hair that reaches my waist. It's one of the reasons that I'm fairly successful. It's one of the reasons I can afford to pay the bills. I couldn’t model without my hair. So I respectfully and politely declined, telling them that it would be detrimental to my career. I don’t have two jobs, I don’t have a back-up, this is my job. It’s my money maker. If I couldn’t model, I don’t know what I would do.

Matthew immediately got angry, insisting that this is more important, and while I agree that sentimentally and emotionally this is far more important, I cannot afford to lose my hair. I have to think logically about this otherwise I won’t have a roof over my head. Matthew’s mum was very upset, and proceeded to tell Jessica that I wouldn’t shave my hair because I am vain. I apologised to Jessica and explained my reasoning, and I went home. I have barely spoken to Matthew since it happened as he says he ‘needs space to consider if he wants to be in this relationship.’ I told him that I would do anything other than shave my head. I'll do a charity run, I'll raise tons of money, whatever I can possibly do, instead of shaving my head, but he won't listen. All he says is 'how can you put your looks and vanity over my cancer ridden sister'.

Did I do the wrong thing?

tl;dr my career is modelling and part of my success is due to my hair. My boyfriends younger sister has cancer so the family shaved their heads in support of her. I declined, and now everyone hates me.

edit: a few people have asked so I'll copy+paste this from one of my replies: Matthew told me that Jessica is very upset and has told all of their family repeatedly that she hates me for having long hair and refusing to shave it for her. She's only 13 years old though, I have a feeling that the family are perhaps poisoning her view and of course she's going to be having a difficult time as it is. I can't hold any grudges against a young girl being in such an awful situation.

Edit 2: I'm completely overwhelmed by the support here, so thank you a lot. I have read every comment and most of them are very helpful and make me feel a lot better. I am going to give it another few days and then I am going to speak with Matthew and his mum and Jessica. I'll be sure to post an update soon. Thank you again.

Edit 3: gosh I hate threads with a ton of updates when there's no real update but I feel the need to defend Matthew's family a little. They're not crazy people. They've always been absolutely lovely and kind and welcoming towards me. They were a normal, happy family before this happened. Their youngest member of the family, the innocent, sweet, vulnerable girl is dying and there's nothing they can do about it other than try to make her happy. Of course their view is clouded, of course they're not being rational. Matthew's mum has quit her job to spend more time with Jessica, they've spent every penny they have on gifts for her. I don't think they're crazy or bad people. They're in a world of hell and the only thing that makes it better is putting a smile on Jessica's face and me shaving my head would have done that. If they don't come to terms with it and start thinking clearly soon, then I will agree with everyone and I will call them crazy and run for the hills, but at the moment, I'm trying to be as supportive as I can to my boyfriend and his family whose hearts are all broken. Put yourselves in their shoes.

Update 1 July 14, 2015 (1 week later)

Editors Note: update 1 was preserved in the original BoRU

Update:

Sorry it’s taken a while for me to update, I've been really busy and didn't want to post until it was resolved.

I got so many helpful and positive comments on my last post, so thank you so much for that. I kept a lot of the comments in mind when I spoke to Matthew and his family.

Matthew contacted me saying that he had seen my reddit thread, I'm not sure how. He said that he was really sorry and that a lot of the commenters were right. He said that his view was clouded and he wasn't thinking properly. We spoke for hours and I forgave him. I told him that I accepted his apology and that in the future, if there’s a crisis, he has to try to be calmer and more reasonable. He agreed, and he’s also agreed that him and his mum need some kind of counselling because they’re obviously really struggling. So that was out of the way. We are still taking it slow.

He wanted to speak to his family on behalf of me but I requested that it was me that spoke to them, so I went over there and spoke to his mum and his auntie whilst Jessica wasn’t home. I wore my hair plaited under a hat out of respect (thank you to the redditer who suggested that).

As soon as I arrived, his mum (Kat) told me that she didn't want to argue, and that she didn't feel she needed to hear my explanation. She said in almost these words: ‘This isn't something that I can be rational about, I hope you can understand that. My world revolves around that girl and I just want to make her happy. I’m sorry I expected too much from you, but I just want to let this go now. You’re obviously a wonderful girlfriend to Matthew and I hope that you can be a part of our family, but until Jessica is better I’d prefer it if you could not be around her. I'm sorry if that’s rude but she’s really self-conscious about her appearance and she hates being around such a young, healthy, beautiful girl with a full head of hair.’ I still wanted to explain my side of the story but she kinda cut me off a bit and pretty much said ‘yeah I'm being ridiculous and I don’t want to listen to reason because all I care about is seeing a smile on Jessica’s face’, so I just apologised for upsetting Jessica, accepted Kat’s apology and left. It wasn't really the discussion I’d hoped to have but it was better than nothing.

I also spoke to my agency about the situation and asked how they would feel about me cutting my hair. I knew they'd say no, but I wanted to ask anyway. They did say no, but said that they would like to help in some way. I pulled a few strings, and managed to arrange a photoshoot for myself, Jessica and my niece (actually a friend’s daughter but she calls me auntie).

Matthew has told me before that Jessica is struggling to maintain friendships because she’s constantly in and out of the hospital, and most of her friends are a bit wary of being around now. My ‘niece’ is only a year younger than her and I think they'd get along so I thought it would be really nice and helpful for Jessica. I bought her a wig (similar looking to my own hair), and I went shopping and bought her a ton of makeup too. Emptied the bank a little bit but it’s better than shaving my head and not working for 5 years! I called Kat again and asked if it was okay for me to come round. She declined at first but Matthew spoke to her and she eventually agreed. I arrived wearing a bald cap (a few shades darker than my own skin) and Jessica found it hilarious. I spoke to her and told her that I was really upset that she had told Matthew that she hated me. She said sorry and told me that she was just jealous and upset. I told her about the photoshoot and she was incredibly excited, gave me a hug and wouldn't stop thanking me. We're going to have a makeover first and then we're going to have several pictures with Jessica wearing a wig, and several of us being bald because I want her to feel beautiful either way. It might be possible for me to share these photos with reddit but I have a feeling they would go viral and I do not want my boyfriend or his family to be identified, particularly as a lot of people seem to think they're crazy and awful people. There are a lot of trolls online and I don't think the family could handle any kind of backlash.

So I think it's kinda resolved for now. Jessica is happy, Matthew is happier, and Kat is at least accepting of the situation. I could have broken up with Matthew and walked away from this situation, and where would that gotten me? Jessica would still be upset, Kat would still be angry, and I wouldn't have my supportive, beautiful and amazing boyfriend in my life. I wouldn't stand for this again, but in the 3 amazing years of us being together, this is the only time he has faulted, and it was for an understandable reason.

Also, people kept saying ‘this is how Matthew and his family deal with tragedy! he’ll do this again!’ But I don’t think these people understand that this is not just a tragedy. There is not much that can compare to losing a young sweet daughter/sister to cancer. I’ve been with Matthew for 3 years, and in that 3 years we have dealt with tragedies (his good friend committed suicide) and stressful situations (he almost lost his job) and he has never acted like this before because this is MORE than a tragedy. This is heartbreak and hell. I want to finish with two quotes that I read on reddit recently:

‘Years of love have been forgot, In the hatred of a minute.’ and

‘“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviour.”

tldr; matthew apologised and we are okay, matthew's mother is kinda okay with me, myself, jessica and my niece are doing a photoshoot together.

edit: I am absolutely blown away by the amount of support! thank you so so so much to everybody that has made a kind comment, also everybody who has shared their own stories. I've been crying off and on all day! Happy tears mostly :)

also there were a couple of slightly rude comments because I said that I didn't know how Matthew found my post. He doesn't reddit, he barely even spends any time on his PC at all (and never mine). Not many people know about the in's and out's of the situation and I changed some small details to attempt to make it a bit less obvious (I'm terrified of being identified!) So yeah it was kind of surprising that he found the thread. I haven't had a chance to ask him yet but I guess a friend must have sent it to him? Either way, it's not that important to me.

thanks again everybody, and let's pray that I can make another update soon saying Jessica has miraculously recovered! :)

FINAL UPDATE

Update 2 Aug 4, 2015

Original link

Thank you again for all the comments I got in my previous posts, they were all so helpful and kind.

Myself and Matthew are completely back on track, he's been to therapy and is coping a lot better than he was before. Kat (his mum) is also going to group therapy and she seems to be a lot better.

The photoshoot was a little difficult, Jessica wasn't all that compliant. She didn't seem to like my niece, who was nothing but friendly, and it took her some convincing to actually take some photos without the wig. She didn't want many pictures of us together, mostly just of herself. We didn't get the photos on the day, and Jess sent quite a rude text asking when I was going to get them to her. I took the photos to her about a week later and Kat asked if we could sit down and talk.

She told me that she really appreciated what I'd done for Jess, but that Jess had been acting weirdly since. Apparently Jess had been trying to speak and dress like me, and was refusing to take the wig off, which was giving her a pretty bad rash on her scalp. Kat seemed quite annoyed that I'd gotten a wig similar to my own hair (that was a mistake on my part) but she kept hinting that it was a cheap wig or that it was made of synthetic hair which kind of offended me. Anyway I brushed it off and spoke to Jess. I told her that she didn't need to wear her wig all the time, that she was didn't need hair or make-up to be beautiful etc. but she got kind of rude and kept saying things like 'that's so easy for you to say' and 'you can lecture me when you have cancer'. I ended up getting a little snippy with her, which I regret, and I told her that I didn't like her attitude, now or during the photoshoot. She ended up crying and Kat asked me to leave, she wasn't rude but I could tell that she was upset with me. When I got home, Matthew reassured me that I hadn't been out of order or unfair.

A few days later his mum called and told us that Jess had thrown away the bald photos. I was really upset, so Matthew spoke to Jess and told her that she was being very unappreciative and rude. I received a text from Jess a few hours later with what seemed like a sincere apology, to myself and to my niece. Then a few days later, I received another text from her asking if she could have another photoshoot. I called her and told her that I couldn't, as they wouldn't offer the same discount and I couldn't afford to pay for the whole thing myself, and she put the phone down on me. Then Kat called me and asked me (politely, but unfairly I feel) to no longer speak to Jess as it just keeps causing more trouble.

So I haven't spoken to Jess or Kat since. Me and Matthew seem to be okay but I'm worried that this may cause resentment between us later on in life, particularly if Jess gets any more unwell. I'm just taking everything as it comes and trying to stay out of it for now. I care a lot about Jess but I also don't want to be taken advantage of, spoken to rudely, or blamed for problems that I couldn't help. I've tried my best with the whole family, but I can't seem to do much right, so I think it's for the best if I do distance myself from them.

Sorry this wasn't a happier update! If anyone does have any suggestions for how I can avoid resentment between myself and Matthew in the future, or how I can try to fix the distance between myself and his family, I would be really thankful. I don't think there is anything more I can do, but there were a lot of really creative and helpful ideas in my last 2 posts so it's worth asking :)

Thank you again everybody.

tl;dr photoshoot was a struggle because Jess was quite rude, didn't want to take any bald pictures or pictures with my niece. She's since started trying to dress, speak and act like me, and has thrown away the bald pictures that we took. Kat asked me not to talk to Jess anymore. I'm doing as she's asked because I don't know what else to do.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayaccnt4

I [25f] just found something REALLY disgusting this morning that my boyfriend [26m] left in the living room.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!piss jar!<

Original Post March 14, 2013

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we've been living together for the past few months. Now, generally I've come to accept him for being a 'guy' and not cleaning up after himself. He has got a lot better at it though so I'll give him that. Anyway, this morning I went downstairs as usual to clean up a bit and when I went to pick up the remote off the floor I noticed a white mcdonalds cup sitting next to the chair. Thinking it was just a left over drink I went to go dump it in the sink only to realize that there was piss in the cup. I'm not sure how long it was sitting behind the chair but it smelled REALLY bad. It was pretty much full with ashes at the bottom of it [he smokes]. I don't really know how to go about talking to him about this or how to even bring it up. Advice anyone?

tl;dr Found boyfriends piss cup behind a chair in the living room. Not sure how to ask him about it? REALLY grossed out.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

colakoala200

> "Not sure how to ask him about it?" > > Don't ask, tell. "boyfriend, I was cleaning up the other day and I found a cup behind the chair and it smelled like 3-week old piss and had cigarette ashes in it. It smelled REALLY bad and I'm really grossed out." > > You don't need to know if it's piss or how long it's been there or whether he'll clean up next time or why he didn't clean it up this time. You need HIM to know how finding something so nasty affected YOU.

OOP

>>Instead of calling him on the phone and yelling in his fucking ear about it (which I really wanted to do when I first found it) I wanted to think about what I was going to say before I let him know that I found the 'cup'. Thanks for giving me some idea on what to say.

~

[deleted]

> "Now, generally I've come to accept him for being a 'guy' and not cleaning up after himself." > > He's not a 'guy', he's a fucking slob.

diego_montoya_jr

>> Slob is right. I once found a pile of snipped off toe nails on our coffee table once and I thought THAT was disgusting. I don't know what I'd do if I found what OP discovered. >> >> And no smoking in the house either! Blargh.

~

Crowmagnon0

>You say there were ashes in it? Cigarettes will leave a clear liquid yellow, and it would definitely smell bad. Are you sure that he urinated in it and it wasn't just his ashtray? Either way it's gross, but that would make a lot more sense.

OOP

>>Oh yeah.. it was legit piss believe me. I couldn't smell it at first because there was a lid on the cup. But after I poured it in the kitchen sink i knew that i had made a terrible mistake :/

Crowmagnon0

>>>Was he getting drunk last night? Not that it's an excuse, but it would give a reason for this.

OOP

>>>>No he doesn't drink. There shouldn't be ANY excuse for him to piss in a cup when our bathroom is 30 ft. away. I'm just in shock that anyone especially the person I'm living with would do this.

EDIT First of all thank you to everyone who left helpful comments on what to do in this situation. I'll be speaking to him about this in the morning. I will definitely post an update first thing. Thanks again! I really appreciate it.

Update - rareddit March 15, 2013 (Next Day)

So an update from my [original post](

First I just want to say thank you for all the helpful responses that I received yesterday. I've never in my life had to deal with a situation like this. I also hope it is the last time as well.

As soon as he got home from work this morning I told him that we needed to have a serious conversation. We both sat down and I told him that I found the cup he had been pissing in behind the chair. That it was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen and I was repulsed that he would actually do something like that when we have a perfectly working bathroom upstairs. He started to actually DEFEND himself as to why he was using it! I tried to stay calm but I couldn't anymore and eventually it turned into a heated argument. He stated that the cup was easier to use than going upstairs to use our bathroom which is seriously 30 ft away!! And he usually dumps it in the KITCHEN SINK when he's finished.. W.T.F. That right there was a deal breaker for me. This has been going on for quite some time. Upon further inspection where I originally found the cup I could clearly see urine stains on the floor. How I didn't know about this sooner I don't know. But I'm really glad that I do now. I can't continue to live with this sick fuck any longer. I'll be moving my things out today and will be staying with a friend for the time being.

TL;DR Boyfriend defended himself about using his piss cup instead of going to the bathroom like a normal person. He had been doing it for some time now. We broke up and I'm moving out.

FINAL COMMENTS

InfernalWedgie

>The moral of the story: Being toilet trained is essential if you want to appeal to potential sexual partners.

_some_asshole

>>That is actually the only takeaway here.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/OkServe6

My (22F) married sister (28F) and boyfriend (22M) had drunk sex yesterday

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Possible sexual coercion/assault, excessive alcohol consumption!<

Original Post - rareddit Feb 20, 2019

I still can't believe it really. We've been together for four years and everything has been going so well. We recently signed a new lease too. Can't believe it's my sister, can't really put into words how I feel. I just need to vent right now.

She asked if she could stay at our apartment for some time because she had a very big fight with her husband. I asked my boyfriend and he was fine with it so she came over. They have a dead bedroom and it's one of the reasons for their many fights, he has no sex drive and they haven't had sex in over a year. She looked a little bit upset and brought a bottle of tequila with her.

Around 9 or so she opened the bottle and she joked about drinking away the pain. My boyfriend joined her, and he doesn't usually drink. I didn't have any because I had work tomorrow but he didn't. I went to bed soon after, and they kept talking and I figured it would help them connect more. I woke up at 1 and went to the bathroom. My boyfriend was still not in our bed, and that's when I heard loud moaning from the living room. I made my way to the hallway as quiet as possible, and I saw my sister with no bra on, obviously riding my boyfriend. She didn't care about all the noise she was making. I couldn't see him because of the couch but I didn't want to. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I just didn't know what to do.

I was woken up by my boyfriend somewhere during the night. He was not even close to coherent and making absolutely zero sense. He stumbled and fell and went into the bathroom. This morning when I woke up I found him laying next to the toilet with vomit on his shirt. I woke him up and asked him if he was ok. He just said he had a very bad hangover and looked very confused. He says he can't remember a single thing from last night, so I showed him the empty bottle in the living room. He just laughed and said it had been a long time since he blacked out on alcohol.

My sister was already awake and I asked her how she slept and how much they had to drink. She said my boyfriend drank most of the bottle and that they both went to bed around midnight. She definitely acted strange. I just can't believe why they would lie like this. I left for work and my boyfriend called as usual during my lunch break. He said he was feeling better and acted like nothing happened. He could tell from my responses that I was upset and asked if I was alright. I told him I was fine and left it at that.

I need to go home within an hour or so. I told my boyfriend I had to run some errands but I'm just sitting in my car, crying. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I literally can't believe it. The two most important people in my life went behind my back. I feel disgusting and lost.

Update 1 - rareddit Feb 21, 2019 (Next Day)

Sorry for not updating earlier. I didn't know people got so invested into this. I tried to read most of the comments.

Why didn't I do something when I saw them? I guess people have different reactions to certain situations. I was too shocked to do anything and went back to bed.

I decided to talk to my boyfriend first. Tried going into it open-minded but I was still very emotional. I took him in our bedroom and asked him if he remembered ANYTHING from that night. He asked me why, and I told him that I had seen something happen and that's why I was upset. He looked really surprised at this point and went quiet. I asked him again, and he didn't respond. This was enough for me, so I stood up and wanted to walk out when he told me to wait. He said that he made a really big mistake but to please hear him out. I lost it right then and there. I started screaming and yelling, told him to get the fuck out the house. My sister came into the room and she started crying and telling me to please calm down and allow them to explain. My boyfriend told her that they should leave and they did. I was still hysterical when they left. I started drinking and passed out in my bed.

I haven't answered any of their phone calls or opened their messages. I truly have no words for how I feel. It all feels like a game. Life doesn't feel the same way, and I'm done. I told a friend what happened and she's been with me since then so there's that. I feel relieved that I no longer have to worry about my problems though.

I'm sorry it's not the update people expected but it's the best I can do :)

Edit: I am fine, I'm not going to do anything to myself. Thank you for all the heartwarming messages.

Edit: I AM OK. I APPRECIATE ALL THE KINDS MESSAGES. I WON'T HURT MYSELF. MY FRIEND IS WITH ME, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. THANKS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

Final Update - rareddit March 3, 2019 (10 days later)

I'm sorry for deleting my previous posts. It was all too much for me and I wanted to get rid of it. I think there was someone who saved it but I'm not sure. Anyways, I figured I owed a final update to all the kind people who commented on the thread and PM'd me.

The day after they left I was broken. I still am actually. Obviously we broke up, and he is okay with me staying at our place for now but that's the only positive thing so far. He collected some of his stuff when I went to a friend, I still haven't seen him in real life. He tried to reach out to me multiple times but I've only been texting him when it's necessary. My sister stopped trying after the first day and I don't think she has any remorse. After he got his shit I've been emotionally numb, can't really describe it. Since Thursday I've been starting to feel very depressed again, and I've been drinking more. Feeling numb felt better to be honest. I haven't been to work. My friend called them and I believe I can take as much time as I want, so there's that.

I called her husband, but he didn't pick up. Tried a few more times but eventually I got a text saying to not contact him ever again. Don't know what she told him, but I don't really care to be honest. The truth will come out eventually, sucks I have no proof though. As far as I know my parents don't know, and I'm keeping it that way. I don't know where to go from here, I'm keeping all options open for now. It'd probably be a good idea to go to work again but I have absolutely zero energy. I just want to be free. My friends have been here for me luckily.

I think this is my last update. Once again, thanks to all the kind souls that messaged and supported me. I would have never expected anything like it.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/hellapreggers

I [32F] think my husband [33M] may be having an affair with the girl [19F] next door. I’m also pregnant.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity!<

Original Post - rareddit Apr 12, 2019

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, dated for 7. We have one son, 2, and I’m 6 months pregnant.

I love him deeply. He’s a very busy lawyer and often comes home late at night. I never thought he’d cheat on me. But since I began to get bigger, we’ve been having less sex.

A few months ago, a young woman moved into the condo about 2 doors down. She’s a very beautiful girl but a bit aloof to me. We did invite her over to a dinner party when she first came. A few weeks ago, I noticed that my husband followed her on IG and added her on Snap. I asked him about it and he said she followed him first and he didn’t want to be rude.

Last week, I started noticing him using his phone more and more and generally being distracted. He said it was due to work. But 2 days ago, I saw a Snap notification on his phone with our neighbor’s name on it. I asked him why he was Snapchatting her, and he said that she was interested in law and was asking him career advice. At 12am apparently. Via Snapchat.

Yesterday I was taking his suits to the dry cleaners and found a receipt for a sushi restaurant from a few nights ago, when he said he was working late at his office. The sushi restaurant is close to our condo complex and nowhere near his office. There were 2 meals billed on the receipt. I confronted him when he came home from work, and he said he took a client out for dinner. But there were so many nice restaurants near his office, why the one near our house??

I’m almost 90% certain he’s cheating. What should I even do? Im about to be a mother of 2. I never even prepared for the possibility of this happening in our marriage. And definitely not this soon.

Advice please!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Carnivore69

>Given you can't be certain he's cheating (yet?), the first thing you need to do is quit confronting him for every discrepency you notice. By doing so, he'll become more and more aware you're picking up on his activities, whatever they are. If those activities involve cheating, your actions will likely cause him to be more stealthy and adept at covering his tracks. Use more restraint, and let the evidence pile up until you can ascertain what's really going on. And be sure to document your findings however you can. In the meantime act like your antenna isn't up, and let him "relax" around you.

~

pointlessusername-

>I would tell my partner that him being a 33 year old man SNAP CHATTING a 19 year girl is completely inappropriate and she can ask google or any other lawyer for advice. Unacceptable.

~

CuckyMcCuckerCuck

>Do you have the disposable funds necessary to hire a private investigator? In part to "confirm", but also as an investment for a more favorable divorce settlement.

OOP

>>We have a joint account and he might get suspicious if I withdraw a large sum of money. Maybe I can just investigate it myself?

Update - rareddit Apr 19, 2019 (1 week later)

Thanks for everybody's advice on my first post. It's been an interesting week to say the least.

Last Friday after work, he left for a supposed weekend golfing trip with his 2 friends to a place only an hour drive away. Before he left, I texted the wife of one of his friends if she wanted to get together for brunch on Sunday. She said she had plans with her husband. I then texted the wife of his other friend, and surprise, she confirmed that her husband was at home and not going on any trip.

I pretended like I didn't know and said goodbye to my husband as usual. However, I had asked my retired uncle (65) to follow my husband's car. My husband does not know my uncle so I thought it was a good plan. My uncle followed him to the airport and took a picture of him walking with the neighbour girl. He followed them and said they checked into an airline with flights going to the Caribbean.

I thanked my uncle and gave him money for gas and his time, but he refused. I was obviously devastated and my son and I stayed with him and my aunt for the night. They advised me to find a good divorce lawyer right away.

When my husband came home Sunday night, I said I was filing for divorce. He acted really shocked and hurt and asked me why. I said I knew about his affair and I had proof, so he could stop acting stupid. He said I was mistaken. I then asked whether he enjoyed his beach vacation and the look on his face was just undeniable. I guess he finally realized he was backed in a corner and had no more lies left to tell.

I told him I just wanted to know why. He said that he was shy and insecure growing up, and that he had really low self-esteem. He said he "felt validated" by the attention of a younger woman, and said it made him feel "wanted". He admitted that it was a "crush gone wrong". I said there's no way I can trust him again. He said that's understandable and that he was sorry it has come to this. He said he probably made a mistake by marrying in his 20s, that some men were ready to settle down at that age but he realized that he was not one of them. He said that he still loved me though, but that it was best if we went our separate ways.

The shittiest part of all this is, he's staying at his mistress' condo a few doors down while we get our divorce. It will be a long few months, but I'm getting a good lawyer and making sure the future of my kids are secured. I also have a good support system around me. I'm planning on moving to another city after the divorce.

It will be awhile before I can learn to trust again. I've never hurt so much in my entire life. This level of betrayal from someone you thought was your soulmate is just indescribable. But I'm going to remain hopeful. Thanks for everyone's help and support. I wish it turned out different.

TL;DR: Had my uncle follow my husband, he lied about a golfing trip. He actually went to the Caribbean with his mistress.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/opalspice

AITA for calling my friend desperate and leaving her by herself?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity, sexual harassment!<

Original Post Apr 13, 2021

I(21f) used to date this guy, Connor (25). Connor and I met through some mutual friends and dated for around 7 or 8 months. He broke up with me and immediately moved on with one of my best friends, Milly(28). It was hard to watch and it strained my relationship with Milly for a while. She'd constantly remind me they were dating, and at the time it was hurtful. However during that time I met my current boyfriend Matt(21). After Matt the comments stopped meaning anything and I was able to fully accept things. My feelings for Connor disappeared and eventually I was able to fully move on and be happy. I mended my relationship with Milly as well. I now live with Matt after about a year together. I wasn't able to introduce him to everyone, but I got around to it a few months ago.

The moment I introduced Matt, Milly began making the weirdest comments. Things like "Oooh, OP you and I have very similar tastes" and "Be nice to him or I might just have to take this one from you too!". It was super uncomfortable for both me and Matt, so I texted her after to let her know that the comments weren't appreciated or appropriate. She told our mutual friends about it and it was split between her being wrong and them telling me I was overreacting. She eventually apologized but the jokes continued, just more subtle. It was easy to brush them off.

She called me a few days ago begging us to come over. Apparently Connor had dumped her and she was having a mental breakdown in their apartment. We showed up, saw the place was a mess and told her to shower while we straightened up and ordered dinner. She calls for help from the shower, I go to help her and she's in her robe with it fully open, laying in the floor with her legs open. The second she sees me, she closes her robe and stands up like nothing happened. I didn't know what to think, but as the night went on it just got to be a lot. She wouldn't get dressed out her robe and kept "almost" exposing herself. It got a little late and she suggested I go home. I asked if she was okay with this, she said "yes", so I began to pack up with Matt. She asked if Matt could stay with her and I told her if she felt that unsafe alone, she should come home with us. She restated that she just needed Matt and I snapped. I called her a desperate little b*tch and left shortly after with Matt. She was crying when we left but I didn't care anymore. She kept calling us, but we refused to go back.

Yesterday we found out that she had a full meltdown after we left and didn't show up to work for 5 days. Her sister came to check on her and found the house an absolute mess. Milly told them we left her alone after she begged us to stay. I told our friends my side and most of them are saying I did the right thing. But her sister and some of our other friends are saying I'm an asshole for leaving her alone when she was clearly in crisis. Honestly I'm beginning to think I should've just sucked it up and held my tongue. AITA though?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TousBous

> Leaning toward NTA, but wondering if there might be some E S H-ness going on. > > Have you spoken to Matt about it? How does he feel about it? Was he super uncomfortable with the situation, or was he playing along? Did he want to stay with her? (He's a person and can make his own decisions, so you might be out of line for jumping in to answer for him, assuming you couldn't tell from his body language that he was ready to leave.)

OOP

>>He was confused as to why she needed him there. And when she said she just needed him there he told her straight out that he wouldn't be there without me.

~

Senator_Bink

> Is this for real? C'mon, you're not that dumb. > > But if this is, and you are, you're NTA.

OOP

>>I never thought she was this bad. She was a really good friend despite this and I honestly thought she just had a flirty personality. Reading all these comments is truly eye opening and I feel so stupid. It wasn't until that night where everything clicked.

~

commonwealthsynth

>I am shocked that you are still friends with this person, holy hell. How many times does she have to betray you for you to realize she isn't your friend?

OOP

>>To be honest, I didn't see her dating my ex as betrayal. I don't own him and they're both adults. It was weird, but I guess I didn't see it as unforgivable.

~

dopestmoose

>You... you think you should have just sucked it up and held your tongue... after you walked in on her propped up naked on the bathroom floor? Which was quite obviously for your poor boyfriend? You're NTA for leaving or calling her desperate - this is a fact, no matter how harsh it sounds... YWBTA if you ever saw her again, or ever exposed Matt again to this kind of clown show.

OOP

>>I didn't think it was for him in particular, she didn't call out his name, she just called for help. I rationalized it as her being embarrassed about falling naked. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

~

blondieguyon_

>Kinda unrelated but what did you and your ex break up over? sounds like it isnt her first time trying to steal your boyfriend.

OOP

>>He said our relationship was pretty much done. He never went into detail, just told me that he didn't feel much for me and didn't wanna drag it out. Two weeks later they were dating.

TOP COMMENT

[deleted]

> NTA at all. She is way out of line and inappropriate. In all honesty I don't think this friendship is healthy and you should end it. > > She had every intention of trying to have sex with your current boyfriend. > > Does she need help? Probably. Are you responsible to get her that help at risk of your own mental health and relationships? HELL NO. > > Her sister and her family need to take care of her. Not you and if her sister contacts you again. Tell her her sister is her problem.

OOP Updated the post Apr 14, 2021 (Next Day)

Edit: Thank you to everyone who responded. This whole thing has been eye opening and I feel so dumb for believing this woman ever cared about me. I thought her good could outshine the bad, but it's not enough. Ironically enough I had a bit of a meltdown of my own today. I cried for a few hours after posting and reading everything and I apologized to Matt for keeping her in our lives. He forgave me and we called Milly and told her we were done. I dropped off all her belongings I had in my car/at my apartment this morning and blocked her on all social media. I told my friends the whole story, even with all the embarrassment I felt. Everyone but Milly's sister and friends were in agreement that she isn't who we thought she was at all. I also - with Matt's permission and encouragement, confronted Connor. I asked if he had done anything with Milly while we were together and he denied it. I don't believe him but I refuse to dwell. I'm moving on with my life. Thank you all so much for your help!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MellowYellow435

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My daughter treats me like shit and worships her dead deadbeat dad

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!schizophrenia, mentions of drug addiction, death of a loved one!<

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Original Post: October 27. 2025

Throwaway account because she knows my main.

My kids' dad died nine years ago when my daughter was 13. She's now 22. She worships his memory and often treats me very poorly.

I know I make a lot of mistakes, but he was an abusive drug addict who put us through hell. I was able to sheild her from a lot of it which I am so thankful for, but it means she has very little understanding of all of the awful shit he did.

I've never said a bad word about him and I'm glad that she'll always have a perfect father instead of the deadbeat she would have eventually realized he was. It still sucks that I have to take the brunt of her anger and trauma cause I'm here, an imperfect human, while he gets to be forever faultless.

I'll always be there for her. Imperfect, but here still. I love her more than words can express. Some days are just really hard.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I think your daughter is old enough to know the truth, she is an adult. It might be the only thing that can save your relationship because she is living in a delusion that’s is making her angrier and angrier. Once kids know what their parents went through they begin to see them as real people and not just parents, she might be angry at first, but she needs her one living parent so she has to let go of the dead one, the false idea she has of him.

> OOP: I don’t disagree with you, but I can't get her there. She would just resent me more. I'm hopeful she'll get there on her own eventually. All I can really do right now is be here for her when she's ready.

Commenter 2: You don't need to tell her. What's that going to do? People act like she'll automatically switch and start worshipping you and hating her dad. She's still young and give her time to figure it out.

> OOP: Thank you. The situation is far more complex than I can put into a few paragraphs, especially if I want to keep it anonymous. > > Most days are better than yesterday. I was just feeling down and needed to vent about the unfairness of it all for a minute. Today has been much better

Commenter 3: How much does she even know? You might have done an extra good job shielding her from the ugly truth.

> OOP: She knows enough to put the pieces together once she's willing. She'll get there when she's ready

&nbsp;

Update: April 19, 2026 (nearly six months later)

Update: My daughter treats me like shit and worships her dead deadbeat dad

I posted a few month ago about my daughter treating me terribly while nearly deifying her dead dad, who was extremely abusive while he was alive.

Over the next few weeks, she became more and more hostile to me. She would also tell me about extremely concerning decisions she was making and was starting to sound more and more unstable. She lives on her own 30 minutes away near the state university so it was very difficult for me to give her the little bit of help she would allow.

Long story short, she ended up in inpatient care where she was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia. She is now medicated and is doing so much better, though still struggling in many ways. Turns out all of the hostility towards me was based on delusions she was having about me. Now that she is medicated we are back to talking nearly every day.

I love her so much. I am so scared for what the future will hold for her. This is such a scary diagnosis and it has not been all smooth sailing, but I'm also just glad to understand what was happening to her and to be able to get her the support and care she needs.

To the people who declared I was clearly a terrible mother and they knew exactly why my daughter hated me, who demanded I tell her "the truth" immediately: please let this be a lesson to you. If I had listened to your advice, my daughter might very well be dead right now. Life is not a movie where there are always easy, obviously correct answers and nothing bad will ever happen if you just do things the "right" way.

When in doubt, choose to be kind. You don't know the whole story. You dont know the "perfect" solution. Life is not as easy as reddit commentors make it seem.

TLDR: It was Schizophrenia.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update here

Top Comments

Commenter 1: That is a scary diagnosis but so happy she found help. Sending hugs.

Commenter 2: As a psychologist, I want to assure you that considering the fact that it seems like she got her diagnosis fairly quickly after the first onset of symptoms and the meds are helping, she may be able to live a normal life IF she sticks to taking her meds and meeting with her doctor and ideally a psychologist to accept her diagnosis. Schizophrenia can cause brain damage during psychotic breaks, so I really hope that she keeps taking her medication. <3 Hugs!

Commenter 3: she's lucky to have you, miss. I hope the best for you and your daughter <3

&nbsp;

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Plastic_Eagle7784

Originally posted to r/AmITheJerk

Would I be the Jerk if I told on my sister for cheating?

Trigger Warnings: >!manipulation, threats, domestic abuse, victim blaming!<

---

Original Post: March 1, 2026

Throwaway because you’ll see

I walked in on my sister with a man at a restaurant and they were holding hands and kissing. She panicked when she saw me and started crying.

She begged me not to tell anyone and that she would leave her AP, who looked very angry at both of us. She said she couldn’t hurt her husband and to give her time to do it in her own time and that she is ending her affair. Her AP said that if I told on them they will be together, so she is really not hurting them but their loved ones. My sister looked angrily at him and told him to stfu and leave. Then she begged me to stay out of it and in return she promised to never see this dude again. She immediately left before my company arrived. I told my bf everything and he said stay out of it

(editor’s note: OOP made the next two updates throughout the day)

Update #1: So I texted my sister that she had 2 weeks to tell her husband but didn’t and that I will tell him now. She didn’t answer me and left me on read

This is what I want to send him

“I am sorry to do this, but you should ask (sister’s name) about a guy named (his name) and about the time I saw her having dinner with him the day before valentine. I am sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I wasn’t sure, but I would have wanted to know if this happened to me and you’re like a brother to me”

Does this sound good?

Update 2: So my sister just answered me (after almost 2 hours on read) after I sent the text to her husband.

“Sweetheart, please don’t tell him yet. I promise to tell him. I already ended my relationship. I don’t have any money to leave yet, and he will take away my credit cards if he finds out. All I want is some time and I will come clean. I swear”

So I told her that I already texted him everything. She only wrote “he will kill me, please don’t tell him. I ended my relationship. Don’t worry about stds I am clean and my husband hasn’t touched me in years” because I told her it was unfair if he caught a std because of her affairs

I didn’t answer her, then she texted again “you really told him? He will hurt me, please don’t tell him yet. I will tell him, but I need money” I texted that I already sent him the text and that it was on read now. She answered “he will kill me”

Then I told my bf and he started yelling at me about how he told me not to get involved and called me a stupid cow and left and now he doesn’t answer my calls.

So this is my update. Didn’t expect things to escalate tonight already.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Give her a couple days to tell him herself. If she doesn’t, that man deserves to know either way. Your sister is a terrible person

> OOP: This happened 2 weeks ago

Commenter 2: How long were you with your b/f? At no point did he say “I think your sister is being abused? “ or “are you sure your sister is ok?”

> OOP: He said it once if I remember correctly about a year ago during Christmas. If my sister was okay because he saw my brother in law grabbing her face. I was surprised so I went to check and they were where he said they were but laughing and talking. I told him that and he said alright your in law is a bit of a douchebag

Commenter 3: This is messy but lowkey your bf is right. Stay out of it. You didn’t cheat. You didn’t lie. You just accidentally unlocked a side quest you never signed up for. If you tell, you blow up her marriage and your relationship with her. If you don’t, you’re carrying info that isn’t yours to fix.

> OOP: My bf doesn’t like her husband. Not sure why but they don’t get along

OOP on the location where this took place

> OOP: It was an Italian restaurant. I was meeting my friends on a girl’s valentines day, and she was there intertwined with a stranger, this happened the day before valentine

Commenter 4: OP, if the roles were reversed, and your sister knew that your boyfriend was cheating on you and didn’t tell you how would you feel? Or how would you feel if she did tell you? This is honestly a no wind situation for you, so you have to go with your heart.

> OOP: Of course I would want to know

Commenter 5: Well, this is a hard one. YIKES. How close are the two of you. Is this a surprise, given her past and history? Are there kids involved?

> OOP: We are not very close since she’s 7 years older than me, but she’s been my idol and role model growing up. No I was very shocked about it I would never have believed it from her since she’s very shy and sweet. My sister doesn’t have children. Her AP has small children

OOP on if her sister's AP would leave his family

> OOP: He did leave his family

Commenter 6: So you’re fine with her potentially being hurt by her boyfriend because she’s a cheater, is this correct? Like you can’t stand the idea of this guy being cheated on unknowingly, god FORBID. But if your sister, who you love and grew up with, ends up in the hospital or the morgue? Oh well. What?! YTJ for that detail alone (unless you can say with 100% certainty that she’s lying I guess). It doesn’t necessarily seem that uncommon for people in abusive relationships to find comfort outside that relationship, so I have absolute sympathy for her if that’s how it actually is in this situation. I actually think that’s like the one time cheating is fine to me. Reddit has me messed tf up every time I log in. Lmao

> OOP: Apparently she’s not lying. But I never knew. Nobody knew. Just my bf suspected because he recognized the signs with his mom and dad’s relationship I already knew he never liked him, but he never told me why. That’s why he left when he saw her texts and he ended things with me and he doesn’t answer his phone

Commenter 7: Are there things about your BIL that you don't know? Like, have you ever suspected that he is physically abusive to her? Or has your sister ever hinted this before? There are complicated reasons why people cheat, sometimes. The damage is done, though.

> OOP: No never. She never hinted and I never saw anything

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Update: April 22, 2026 (over 1.5 months later)

Update: my sister has left her husband and is together with her AP now

Thanks for still asking about me. My bf and I are broken up now. He refuses to speak to me. I have not talked to my sister more than once since that happened. I found out that my bf went to my sister’s house and arrived 15 minutes before her husband and apparently it was a good thing according to my sister because he saw my bf and didn’t do anything to her and she packed her stuff and left. She didn’t tell anyone where she went but it was at my ex-bf’s parents. She is planning on moving away. Not sure what that means for her AP because he has children and I don’t know how the custody arrangement works.

My parents are a bit cold towards me. Told me I should have talked to them. But they seem happy for my sister. I don’t feel well about any of this. I lost my bf whom I still love. I feel very lonely.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You are blaming everyone else for your actions. You got involved in something that did not concern you and your liking your sisters husband is not a valid reason for inserting yourself into their private business, people have no idea what goes on in someone else’s marriage.

Your sister could have been dealing with dv, her husband may have anger issues, you could have put her in serious danger all because you didn’t want to stay out of her business.

I have never known a situation where only one person is to blame, it takes two people to keep a relationship going and the same two people to allow it to fall apart.

When you get the urge to butt into someone’s business again, resist the urge.

> OOP: She never said anything about it > >> Commenter 1: Is your comment is in reference to dv? Because 52% of dv victims do not report it, not even to family. Dv victims are groomed by their abusers not to say anything, or it will get worse for them, and they know it’s true because reporting it without the financial ability to get to a safe place often leads to death. >> >> Over 1200 women are killed annually by her intimate partner. Over half of all female homicide victims in the U.S. are killed by a current or former male intimate partner. >> >> If your comment is about challenges in their marriage that she didn’t tell you about, I have to say, I wouldn’t tell you either, you obviously can’t mind your own business. >> >> I don’t see how you can be surprised your bf left you, how does he trust you after he asked you not to do something and you totally disregarded him and did it anyway. >> >> I’m not surprised by your parent’s reaction either, they clearly saw something you weren’t in-tuned enough to notice or your sister talked to them because she could trust them. >> >> You brought this on yourself and have nobody to blame but yourself. You got your karma when you decided you knew more about your sister’s business than she did and even after being told by your sister that you would be putting her in danger, you did it anyway. >> >> Thank goodness your ex-bf was aware enough to go to her house and smart enough to then get himself out of a relationship where there is no trust. >>> >>> OOP: My parents didn’t know either. Nobody knew she was in an abusive marriage, and it makes it harder for me to understand why you cheat on someone as violent as her soon to be ex is. Very reckless. I wish she told us and left him before starting a relationship with a married man

Commenter 2: It sounds like she was being abused by her husband. I understand wanting to reveal what's happening.

Your Ex sounds too involved... but also like he knew that her husband was dangerous?

A plan where he is told and protect your sister from being physically abused may have been necessary and that's why your ex told you to stay out of it...

I feel like you left out some things to make it seem more righteous than it was...

Obviously, your sister is a cheater, her soon to be ex-husband deserved to know... but if there was a danger to her wellbeing, then that needed to be considered and accounted for.

> OOP: I didn’t leave anything out. Unfortunately everything came out later when my sister left her husband

Commenter 3: My interpretation of your initial post was that a year ago, your EX told you he saw something abusive between your sis and husband, and you skipped past that because you didn’t see it yourself. Do you consider yourself a perceptive person? Only you can answer that. Like you, I also care deeply about doing the right thing, but if I had any doubt about possible abuse, I wouldn’t have sent the text. At least without connecting with her and your parents. Good luck to you. It sounds like you felt you were in an impossible place…. But there is a heavy cost, I guess.

> OOP: Yes I don’t remember all the details now, but he said that they didn’t know someone was watching and her husband had strange demeanor and grabbed her and she looked scared then they noticed my exbf and both looked normal again

Commenter 4: Sounds like your ex was too involved in your sister’s life. It’s one thing for him to want you to stay out of it, but another to show up at her place, invite her to stay with his parents and such. Are you sure there was nothing going on between them?

> OOP: He isn’t. More than he said he recognized his parents relationship. Now my sister lives with his mom and her husband

Commenter 5: The bf saw the dv op’s sister was being subjected to, bf’s mother was a dv survivor and is helping the sister get out of a horrific situation. Women helping women.

> OOP: Apparently not only him but his parents too, well his mom and step dad. Apparently he’s been telling his mom about my sister and her marriage since he and I met. There’s nothing romantic going on if that’s what you’re suggesting. My sister is way older than is and she has a partner. My bf has no interest in her either

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/rulesrulesrules7

Me [25 F] with my boyfriend [25 M] duration 7 months. My boyfriend is very jealous and keeps making "rules" for me to follow

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Abusive behavior, controlling behavior, gaslighting, manipulation, verbal abuse, infidelity!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!An amazing ending for OOP!<

Original Post Apr 4, 2015

Hello, everyone. I have a bit of a weird predicament to share with you. I have been dating my boyfriend ("Peter") for about 7 months now. When we get along, we get along spectacularly. Our chemistry is off the charts, we're playful, we're both driven, we have similar interests (same career path, both read for leisure, both interested in exercise). I've been told by many friends that they can just sense how much we care about each other and that we have the same disposition: calm, relaxed, sweet. If not for the following stuff, I would be head over heels for him. Hell, I already am when he's not acting this way.

So this stuff started happening about a month in. Peter is an extremely jealous person. He's admitted this to me. He can also be a bit judgmental and conservative. The following is a list of things he's asked me to do for him throughout the course of our relationship. I haven't asked for anything like this in return and I've even asked him if he feels like I've done the same and he's said no:

• No cursing.

• No low-cut shirts.

• No weed (not a big deal, I've smoked < 10 times and was okay with giving this up for him).

• He prefers me to not get "drunk." Not a big deal, I don't drink a lot, but it kind of sucks that I can never let loose and get tipsy with my friends without a comment from him.

• No perverted jokes: with him, or anyone else. He says the jokes would be funny if a guy said them but they're not funny when I do it.

• No using a joking "little kid" voice with friends - even girls.

• No talking about other guys around him because he thinks I'm trying to make him jealous.

• No talking about past relationships, even though he does this.

• No emoticons in texts with other guys.

• No exclamation points or sounding "too flirty or happy" when talking to guys.

• Audibly say "goodbye" when we part ways.

• Verbally greet him, even if I'm late to class.

• No speaking to male friends on the telephone or texting after 10 pm at night.

• Text him when I leave my apartment and I'm on the way to school.

• This isn't a specific rule, but if I don't text him for 3-4 hours during the day, he'll say "Oh, hi there, silent one. What have you been up to?"

• He likes me to stop by his study space when I get to school, before class, after class, and before I leave at the end of the day. He's stopped by my space less than 10 times in our 7 months together.

• He asks me if I'm "behaving" when we're not together physically.

• We've had a bit of a power struggle when I've wanted to go out with my group of friends.

• There is a structured timetable of how much I'm allowed to talk to my ex. We broke up two years ago and a half and had a year of silence. Recently, we've been speaking on facebook. (He doesn't have my phone number). It's random stuff about our undergraduate. Just friendly stuff, lighthearted. I'm only allowed to talk to him once every three weeks for 10-15 minutes. If he facebooks me and it's been outside those three weeks, I'm not supposed to respond. He still gets mad even when the ex facebooks me.

• I'm not supposed to "flirt" with members of the opposite sex. I don't. However, he's seen interactions between guys and me and it appears he thinks that anything along the lines of smiling, laughing, or sarcasm are grounds for flirting. He "doesn't like" easily 80% of the guys I interact with on a regular basis.

There have been a few incidents that have bothered me in the time we've been together. In the interest of time, the most recent problem he and I have been having is my friend named James. James graduated last year from the program that Peter and I are in together. He's a big brother type to me. He was an assigned TA for the class I was in and I went to a study group he led. We became friends. We've been friends for three years and nothing has ever happened and neither James nor I have ever shown any interest in it. We just have similar political views and give each other dating advice on occasion. James came to visit the school and he and I got together for lunch while he was here. He was here for 3 days and I saw him once for only an hour. Before he visited, we texted back and forth maybe once every ten days. Since he visited, it's been 2-3 times a week, about 10 texts at a time. Nothing outrageous. I imagine it'll start lessening when it's been longer since his visit and exams approach. He's in a new city without a lot of friends and I enjoy talking to him. Because he's working, he usually texts me on Saturday and Sunday more than the work week.

James texted me last Saturday morning. I didn't answer so he followed up with a text on Sunday. We chatted briefly about a TV show. Then he texted me again this Saturday to tell me about his date the night before. This has been driving Peter up the wall. He's demanded to see the texts back and forth. Even though I strongly object to this, as I think it's an invasion of privacy only 7 months in, I let him see all the texts. There was nothing inappropriate there (this is where the "no emoticon" rule came from though). However, Peter says that James is a "shark" and is only friends with me because he wants to date me. This is ridiculous because James and I have no feelings towards each other, act more like siblings, and are going to be living in different states for the rest of our lives. Peter causes a fight EVERY time he notices James texting me or gets pouty and silent until I ask him what's wrong, then we fight.

About two hours ago, Peter gave me another rule. He wants me to arrange it so James only texts me once a week. No word yet on how many texts I would be "allowed" to exchange with him. He also says he doesn't want us talking about "intimate things." When I asked him what that entailed, he brought up that he was mad that I told James that I was going to take a nap in the last conversation we had. I only told James that as a conversation-ender so he wouldn't wonder why I wasn't responding. Peter just seems unreasonable.

I guess, here's the big problem. I feel like Peter gets mad about something, fights with me until I'm worn down, then comes up with a "compromise" which is really just him imposing another rule on me. There was a guy who liked me at the beginning of the year that I eventually just had to block on my phone because Peter got so mad about it. He's asked me twice to show him that the guy is really blocked. He really is. Same thing happened with the ex and I know his end game is me never speaking to the ex again. Peter had a jealousy issue with my friend Rob and wore me down to the point that I basically just avoid Rob now (Rob even approached to ask if I was mad at him and apologize for whatever he did).

I just feel like this is going to keep happening over and over. I never get the benefit of the doubt, James is constantly afraid I'm going to be "stolen" and I feel like I teeter-totter between wanting to give him what he asks so he'll feel comfortable and feeling like it will never be enough. I feel like a caged animal. I'm afraid every time James texts me or any guy speaks to me in front of Peter. I like him so much but this jealousy is driving me crazy. I'm also afraid if we're together, I'm going to get to the point where I'm not allowed to be friendly with 50% of the population. I'm in danger of losing a total of 3 good, respectful guy friends, all of which I've known for longer than Peter. (I knew Rob for two years, James for 3, and the ex for nearly 6).

I'm not a bad person or a bad girlfriend and I'm tired of being treated this way. We fight at least weekly, sometimes twice a week, over an issue like this. I just want it to stop and to be with the person I fell so hard for. But I also don't want to end up in a controlling relationship with someone who can't manage their jealousy.

Any advice? Ever been on his side or mine? He's already going to a counselor but our school only provides one every two weeks and he missed his last appointment. He's open to couple's counseling but I don't know if there's a point 7 months in. Because he missed the last appointment, he hasn't brought up the jealousy thing with his counselor yet. He's willing to read books on this topic but I feel like the problem is that he won't start to get better until he really trusts me and wants to change. He says that he does but then he keeps doing this stuff.

tl;dr: Very jealous boyfriend continually gives me "rules." Sample list above (not all of them). Any ideas on how to make him more comfortable? Is this fixable? Have you been on either side of something like this?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MeltMyCheeseKThxBai

> You just presented us with a literal bullet point list of why you need to break the fuck up with him, ASAP. > > PETER is the shark here. And actually, you're right- this WILL keep happening over and over. Not only will it keep happening, but it will keep escalating. Here is a list for you, and I will call it "Soon." > > - Soon, you will be afraid to walk around while looking anywhere but the ground because you don't want to be accused of purposely making eye contact with someone. > > - Soon, you will compliantly give him access to all of your stuff to placate him and he will peruse your personal stuff regularly; many confrontations will result about your "infractions" and he will spring them on you at inconvenient times. > > - Soon, you will not be allowed to interact or be friendly with anyone who isn't on his approved list; this will eventually include your family. > > - Soon, while you're constantly on eggshells afraid to be accused of cheating, you will find out that he actually cheated on you. Maybe with one of those exes he likes to talk about. Because, you see, these types are so paranoid about cheating because they are cheaters and think everyone else will cheat too. > > - Soon, if you have a job, he will be asking about your coworkers and maybe even show up there for a "surprise inspection". Don't be surprised if soon, additionally, he starts the practice of keeping you up all night fighting and not letting you sleep when he knows you have to work. > > - Soon, you will stop butting heads about you going out with friends. This is because he will make your every attempt so miserable that you will give up to make things "easier". > > - Soon, you will be but a shell of your former self and will wonder who the fuck that is staring at you in the mirror. > > - Soon, he may become violent. He likely won't until he has effectively removed your support systems (friends and family) but eventually he damn near certainly will. > >I hope that SOON you heed the warnings and get the fuck away from this lunatic before he ruins you. Seriously, you have to get this. This is very, very bad. He will not change no matter how much counseling he gets. You modifying your behavior will NEVER change his. He is fucking dangerous and you need to end it with him NOW before he gets the chance to employ more advanced tactics on you. You are in dire need of these two books; "The Gift of Fear" and "Why Does He Do That?" I beg you, read them. Please seriously get the fuck away from this person. > > Edit: More stuff coming Soon to a relationship near you (will add as I think of them): > > - Soon, he will call you "slut" and/or "whore" for the first time because "he told you not to wear that shirt". You will get upset. You also will never wear that shirt again.

OOP

>> I don't live near my family but there was a time last weekend where I was texting my family about a basketball game. We were cuddling on the couch and he took the phone away and said "Babe, can we just have 'us' time? We've been fighting all day and I just want to be with you." So that might be eminent. >> >> We fought today after James texted me about his date last night. I've been sick with a 101+ fever the past two days and cuddling with my childhood stuffed animal. He picked her up and acted like he was going to rip her arm off because he "wanted to scare me" and "see what I would do." I had to stop myself from kicking him. I've had the animal since I was 5 and she's from my dead grandmother. I don't know what I would do if she was broken. When I got her back, I tried to kick Peter out and he wouldn't leave. I ended up throwing his shoes and keys into the hallway and pushing him out the door. >> >> He took me out to lunch and then went back to the library. Now he's mad that we're going to bed angry. This was one of the texts I got this afternoon: "I know you don't want to hurt his (meaning James) feelings by telling him to take it easy on texts but you need to consider your boyfriend's feelings about this guy texting you so often every week. What he is doing is crossing my boundary. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings so I get you might not want to tell him flat out to stop texting. There are other ways. The main point is that this is too much and it is crossing a line of mine. I think once a week might be ideal and if we could reach that, it would ease my feelings. I ask that you consider my feelings. In return, I will make sure my jealousy does not lead me to imposing boundaries. You can tell him the truth: that he is crossing my boundaries and I ask that he respects me. I am being reasonable. All of our fights the last few weeks have been about this. If this goes away, then we both win and we can stay together happier." >> >> When I asked him what he's ever done in exchange for what I've given up, he said that he went through a phase of criticizing me and he's gotten better. That that was real change. Then he told me that I mean the world to him and he wouldn't go out of his way to try and fix our issues if he didn't care about me and being together for the future. I told him I wanted a break.

Update May 1, 2015 (1 month later)

Hi, all. Sorry that I dropped off and stopped responding all the sudden. I want to take a moment to sincerely thank you all for the outpouring of support and kindness that you showed me after my original post. I've read every single comment and PM probably 4 times and watched every lecture that was sent my way. I also went and picked up a book two days ago about controlling relationships which was recommended to me by a few redditors. I've read 160 pages so far.

Honestly, I'm so turned around in this relationship that I don't know what's happening anymore. I do think that this relationship has some disturbingly manipulative and controlling elements coming from Peter. We've had several incidents in the last four weeks which have been very disheartening. Here are a sample:

• I went out to happy hour with friends - a guy and girl that are engaged to each other - at 5 pm while Peter studied. I guess he assumed we were eating dinner together because we eat most of our meals together. He didn't confirm that though. He knew where I was going and who I was with. I put my phone away because my friends both had their phone away and it was just us three. My phone was on silent because I had been in the library. I checked my phone every half hour or so. The last time I checked it, he had sent me a text asking about dinner and then a snarky follow up 15 minutes later. I had order an appetizer with my friends and wasn't hungry. I told him to go ahead and eat without me and we'd meet up later. I decided to go back to my friends' house to play with their dog and have another beer. Peter had told me that he was going to study until 10 pm and then wanted to spend the night together. All the sudden, Peter was mad at me for not telling him I was eating, not telling him we switched locations (even though I did, within 10 minutes of switching places) and telling me that he had right as my boyfriend to know where I was. He said I was inconsiderate and selfish. He was texting me every 10-15 minutes, angry at me, and completely ruined the night. I couldn't hide from my friends that I was upset and it was borderline humiliating. I went home by 10 pm but didn't want to see him because I was angry. He didn't apologize until the next day after we talked about it extensively and even then tried to justify it. I feel weird around my friends now that they've seen this.

• There was another incident when we ran into one of my good friends and I stopped to chat with her. Peter and I had spend the night together, had lunch together, and gone on a walk. I caught up with my friend for 3 minutes and then planned on walking to Peter's study space to chat for a few minutes before going back to my friend to study with her. (Peter likes to say "goodbye" even though we study like 20 ft apart, separated by a wall.) Peter got impatient, felt ignored, and walked off. Then he sent me several texts about how rude and inconsiderate I was by pretending that he wasn't there. That wasn't true at all; I was telling my friend I liked her sweater, asking her how she was, then I was going to exit with Peter to fill my water bottle and say goodbye. This blew up into a 3 hour argument via text.

• I had my best friend from home visiting last weekend. She stayed with me and drove 18 hours round trip in 4 days just to see me. Peter constantly texted, made passive aggressive comments if I didn't respond quickly enough, and generally was negative about me not giving him enough attention. I pointed all this out, he agreed and told me he would calm down. We all went to a dinner on her last night in town and I thought it went nicely. When Peter got out of the car, my friend made a comment that she was glad to see Peter and I getting along better. 5 minutes later, I got a text from Peter criticizing me, accusing me of not acting like a "couple" with him, acting distant, and not holding his hand. I was shocked. I thought I did a great job with the conversation, he talked for his fair share amount of time, and he got along well with my friend. She's been my best friend for 10 years. He said he hates how I "always do this." I have literally no idea what he's talking about. This wasn't a date. This was the first time he met one of the people who was most important to me and the last thing I wanted to do was make her feel like a third wheel. I told him I wasn't going to argue while she was in town but obviously was upset for the rest of the night. He apologized the next day but only after a long conversation. Obviously he didn't make a great impression once my friend saw the aftermath of dinner.

• Peter and I had a good day on Tuesday. We had fun, were getting along, etc. I came over to his place, took a nap, he went to soccer, and then I ordered us dinner. We ate together and bonded. I checked my phone (I keep it in my backpack now, at his request) and he saw I had a text. He wanted to know who it was from and what it said. I told him it was from James, asking where I was studying this summer (my home state or school state). Peter started lecturing me about getting texts after 10 pm (it was 10:30 where we were, 9:30 where James was). He talked about how it was inappropriate, he wouldn't talk to a girl so late, and asked why James wanted to know where I was. He asked if James was planning on visiting me. James and I have no plans like that whatsoever. Later, I got chapstick out of my backpack and Peter started accusing me of sneaking around to text James back. I wasn't. He asked me three times if that's what I did. I almost left but Peter convinced me to stay.

All of the sudden, I felt suspicious. I asked to see his facebook chat log so I could see when he had lasted facebooked his ex that he swears he hasn't spoken to. He refused. I ended up leaving, then coming back and saying if he wouldn't show me the same transparency he's demanded from me, it was over. He still tried to say no. In retrospect, I'm horrified by how angry I felt. I wanted to push him or hit him. I've never, ever felt like that towards another person. It's like I didn't recognize myself. He ended up showing me the log. He had a long conversation with his ex from Christmas Eve, which was laden with inside jokes, flirting, and sexual references. I asked to see his phone. Whole months were missing from his call log but he had two voicemails from her which insinuated they had some contact with each other. He swears that's all there is but almost half his call log is gone.

This is something I could forgive in a normal relationship -with remorse and change - but it hurts a lot considering that he's breaking rules he's given me, lied, and been hypocritical. I feel so watched and suffocated over actual guy friends, subjected myself to structured timetables imposed by him, had an open phone policy, and he's off talking about suggestive stuff with his ex. She's blocked him now but that's not the point. He's got me to the point where I feel guilty every time a male friend talks to me and I've actually started believing that I'm doing something wrong if I laugh at a guy friend's joke. I feel sick when my phone goes off if I'm around him.

I've been reading literature on controlling/abusive relationships and shared my concerns with him that he's meandering into this territory. He's been dismissive of it almost every time I've brought it up. I've had three friends tell me they're concerned based on the rules and his jealousy. He just says he has high standards and boundaries and that I would be jealous too if the roles were reversed. I don't think I would be but he insists I would. I just feel like he doesn't listen to me or take me seriously.

I thought things were getting better, he said I could text James whenever I wanted and he would be less harsh/critical in general. Yesterday though, he asked if I had responded to James and why "that guy" wanted to know where I was and said it was weird James was being so nosy. I think James was just making conversation. Then, last night, I was studying with friends and Peter walked by. Peter and I had just fought (we had been at dinner 10 minutes before) and I was mid-word in conversation with a friend and just made eye contact with him and looked away. I got a text asking why I didn't smile and wave. I apologized and said it was my fault and didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I then got more texts saying I was "cold" and demanding an explanation. That got me upset and I tried to tell him that the constant criticism and control was too much. That I felt like he was trying to control my emotions and make me pretend to be happy when I wasn't. He told me I was overreacting and he was tired of arguing and just wanted "to be good and nice." I feel like he starts a fight, expresses his feelings, then wants it to be over, even though the criticism and control is really wearing me down and making me agitated. I just feel like if I stay with him, I'm going to end up giving in and letting him criticize me, letting go of my guy friends, and apologizing when I mess up. That I'll just end up a shell of myself and cater to his needs instead of compromising. But I also don't think he's doing this on purpose. I think he gets insecure and doesn't know how to fix it, so he wants me to do it instead of asking himself if he's overreacting. I think that's how we get all these rules. He's fixing symptoms and not the root cause. I don't think any of this is malicious.

I tried to break up with him again two days ago. He begged me to wait until after finals (8 days). Eventually I agreed but said that there would be no sleep overs or physical affection. He agreed but now he's trying to kiss me even when I tell him I don't want to kiss. Then he gets mad I'm not kissing back. He says he knows now that he's being controlling and manipulative and he'll change. But I'm not seeing any change. I just feel so confused as to whether I'm overreacting or not. I can't tell if he's actually being a little abusive and he makes me doubt myself because he doesn't call me names or hurt me physically. He wants to read the book when I'm done with it and says he'll learn from it and wants to stay with me.

In 8 day finals are over. In 17 days, I graduate from law school. I just feel so bad about myself and confused. I've always been an empathetic person and emotionally intelligent person (that's usually what I'm "known for" by friends... know how to say the right thing at the right time and see things from other people's perspectives) but I feel so steamrolled. I'm also so embarrassed. I'm supposed to be this strong, capable woman and I can't even tell if my relationship is healthy. Right now, I'm planning on dumping Peter the second his final is over and blocking him on everything. I feel relief when I think about that. But I also feel scared that I'll miss him and that I'm being crazy and unwilling to compromise. That I'm throwing away something good by being dramatic.

I keep trying to convince myself, apart from the question of whether he's controlling, that if I'm not happy, I can't stay with Peter. That long distance is too hard. He wants to interview at law firms in my city and plan on how to get back together in a year. I can't do that if I have any doubts and I don't want to spend another day miserable. I HAVE to dump him. I just need to make sure I do. I've already tried multiple times. I can't get talked back into this. This isn't healthy.

Sidenote: He knows that I've posted on here but not what my username is and he hasn't seen the original post. It's a possibility he could stumble upon this and he would obviously recognize it because of this level of detail.

TL;DR: I feel like a crazy person. I'm doubting my emotions. I know I need to break up with him but I'm so worried I'm being overdramatic and ruining something because I'm unreasonable. I know I need to get out but why am I so reluctant to?

Final Update from the "Rules" girl - I did it. May 25, 2015 (24 days after 1st update)

I finally did it. Today I took the last step and blocked him on all my accounts (10 minutes ago). We're going no contact. You all were right that he used the time before and immediately after finals to draw me back in. I don't really regret waiting though. I didn't want to be the reason that he ended up messing up all his finals and potentially not getting a job he wanted because of grades. That isn't the person that I want to be and I'm okay with sacrificing a few weeks of my happiness for retaining that part of myself.

The following weeks were full of his apologies, assurances that he's changing, etc. But nothing changed. I realized that I didn't even want to wait around to see if he could get better because I don't want to be with him. He's not respectful of me and you can't teach respect. He seems completely incapable of empathizing with me and taking me into consideration when making plans. He wouldn't listen to me, he was dismissive of my concerns, and I just didn't feel valued, supported, or happy when we spoke.

When I broke up with him, he said that's what he wanted too because my interactions with men (including James) are "inappropriate" and "not in line with his beliefs." Two months ago that would have really bothered me and I would have gotten reeled back in defending myself but I just said "You know that's not true but I'm not going to fight with you about it. I wish you the best. Goodbye." and then blocked him.

I feel a little sad and lonely. It'll be weird to go from nearly constant contact and cutesy text messages to complete and utter silence but I'm hoping the payoff of not having horrible fights multiple times a week will balance that out.

The good news: I graduated last week, made honor roll, got the highest award in a competitive class, I'm back in my home state, living with my parents (I adore them and get along well with them), and my bar review class starts tomorrow morning. I'm back to running and lifting multiple times a week and I'm in the process of booking up my social calendar. It'll be hard to stop checking my phone compulsively and sad going to sleep without saying goodnight to him, but I think that I'm in the best circumstances (aka not living one building away) to make this fade as gently as possible. I've reached out to a friend already and she supports my decision. I'll reach out to a few others this afternoon.

The hardest part of this is letting go of the fantasy that he would get better and I could have this intense, passionate, beautiful relationship with him that was also healthy. I let his possessiveness slide because I felt so intensely cared about. But now I know what to watch out for in the future. I'm going to remain single for the rest of 2015 in an effort to build myself back up and prevent another toxic relationship. I will protect myself in the future the way I would protect a friend. I'm 25 now and I need to start taking who I date more seriously because I don't want to end up married to someone like Peter.

I'm scared of the future, of being with someone like him, and of never feeling this level of passion again. I'm especially afraid that I really am all the things he accused me of being. But I know I'm doing the right thing. This is usually when he would come running to my door, knocking, waiting, and begging me to unblock him. This is the first time I won't.

Thank you, so much, for your support and patience. This sub gets a lot of grief for a myriad of reasons but you all do so much good. So much more than you even know. I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you that commented and especially those that direct messaged me. You all were a lifeline to me when I wasn't ready to turn to my friends. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

tl;dr: I dumped him. Got accused of sort-of cheating (again) during the break up. Feeling weird but relieved. Blocked him on everything. Just wanted to share the good news.

Two years out of an abusive relationship and I'm so happy, I could burst. July 29, 2017 (over 2 years later)

Two years ago, I posted some rather desperate r/relationships questions asking for help. (If you're curious the initial cry for help, starting to gather strength to leave, the jubilant break up post. I knew deep down that something was desperately wrong with my relationship but I was hellbent on fixing it. The posts were the beginning of finding my way out of what felt like a mindfog.

I tried to post on relationships to let people know how it was going, in the hopes that if there were people considering leaving similar situations, they know that something better is out there. Unfortunately, relationships doesn't allow multiple posts. However, I felt an intense desire to share the "after" part of leaving an abusive relationship to let women know that there IS life after an abuser, even if they feel like their world will cease without the relationship. I hope this sub is an okay place for this.

It only took about two months after my break up to know that I would 100% be okay. That moment came while I was on a family vacation and was curling my hair in the mirror. I made eye contact with my reflection. I remember being startled because I saw someone looking back that looked calm. She wasn't worried about whether she'd get called slutty, whether smiling too much at dinner would get her accused of cheating, or whether the swimsuit she chose for the pool would get her accused of "showing off" and yelled at. For the first time in a year, I felt happy, safe, and confident. I became nearly giddy realizing I hadn't been criticized in months and I felt FREE.

It took so much for me to get out of the relationship. I think I was borderline addicted to the highs and lows. Every time I started to escape, I got "love bombed" (learned this term in my research post-break up) and pulled back in. I was worried nothing would ever feel as good as that relationship. However, I followed all the “standard break up advice” and worked out, reconnected with friends, started up new hobbies and (very importantly!) went to counseling. It was a long road, but a much easier one than I originally expected. And at the end of it, I was happy.

Here's a list of things that have happened to me in the last two years that have been better than that relationship:

• Passing my state's bar to become a lawyer;
• Starting a new job where I feel challenged and respected;
• Getting a gorgeous new apartment downtown;
• Getting into the best shape of my life;
• Making friends with a strong group of intelligent, kickass women that my ex would have never let me befriend;
• Drinking/smoking/sleeping without being guilted for not following my ex's expectations for what I should be doing with my time;
• Getting a cat and not needing to worry about her safety around my ex or him getting jealous;
• Leaving my house without having to give text updates about where I am;
• Smiling at strangers without being questioned over it;
• Being approached to run for office in 2018 and saying yes because I want to do it; and
• Literally everything.

Here's what I want to say to anyone who is interested: Anyone can get sucked into an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter how smart you are, how confident you are, or how independent you want to be. Just because you’re in one doesn’t make you dumb or worthless. It doesn’t make you easy prey or unable to be in a healthy relationship next time. The only antidote is listening to your gut and respecting boundaries that you put into place for your own life. There were so many times that I felt a pit in my stomach and knew something was wrong but ignored it because I felt like a compromise could be found. Some people out there are scary, they are manipulative, and they do not want the best for you. They only care about themselves and you cannot make them respect you, value you, or treat you well. When you meet that person, don't try to change them. Cut your losses and leave. Don't let their voice get in your head and to start believing their narrative of who you are.

It took me nearly a year to undo the damage that an 8 month relationship did to me. (Can you believe things got this bad in 8 months?!) I would internally feel myself panic for months after the break up when I laughed too much with my friends, thinking that I would be getting lectured about being fake/flirty/inappropriate. It took me so long to start making sarcastic jokes again (my ex didn't "get them" or think they were funny). I basically had to regrow all myself self confidence and redefine myself worth. I could barely even express an opinion on where I wanted to eat since it hadn't mattered in so long. Once I got past that, I remember marveling at the tranquility of my life being mine, my self esteem returning to normal, and people treating me gently/kindly. My parents told me I was happier than they’d seen me in a year and my best friend told me that she was glad “to have me back.”

(Side note: Counseling is IMPORTANT. People that are in an abusive relationship are more likely to get into another one than someone who has never been abused. When you are being abused, up looks like down and down looks like up. Going to counseling helped me re-orient, figure out what was normal, and taught me to listen to my gut. It helped me rebuild and make sure this wouldn’t happen again. I didn’t even need many sessions but I actually liked it by the end! I’m forever a gigantic advocate of finding a counselor that fits your needs well.)

I don’t want this to be the point of my post, so I’m putting it last. I took a dating hiatus for 6 months after the break up and tried to rebuild on my own. I think this was extremely important to help me re-center. After the six month hiatus, I wrote out parameters for dating and a list of things I needed in a partner (kindness, gentleness, warmth, an even temper). I was picky, I stopped seeing people that I felt weren’t listening to me or weren’t treating me well. After six months of dating, I found someone that fit the list. I’ve been dating him for a bit over a year, and I can’t stress how different this relationship is. It’s night and day. I’m listened to, respected, treated like a real partner, and my boundaries matter. I can be friends with whoever I want (I’m still good friends with James!) and my alone time is given with no questions asked.

Tl;dr: I was in an abusive relationship, asked reddit for help, and they came through. Life is so much better post-break up. I want to emphasize this can happen to anyone, just because it’s happening doesn’t mean you deserve it. Get out! Life gets better than you can imagine.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This happened 2 days ago at mine (28) and my wife’s (39) wedding and a lot of people are telling me I’m in the wrong for having my ex (27) arrested and my wife is saying I ruined the wedding and caused a scene.

First a little backstory on my ex, we were together over 5 years ago for a matter of weeks, I broke things off because I just wasn’t into her that much, she began to pester me over text and social media all of the time to get back together or just hook up, this went on for months and in a particularly week moment I gave in and slept with her again at this point things got a lot worse, I tried to explain that it was a mistake and I still didn’t want anything with her, from then the messages ranged from abusive to begging me for sex eventually I just blocked her, from then she started turning up at my house, work and social spaces I went to often.
She attempted to force herself on me and threatened violence and at that point I got a restraining order. Since then I haven’t heard from her in years.

I met my wife 3 years ago and she is honestly the best thing in my life, we fell in love hard and honestly have a great relationship, we got engaged after 2 years and 2 days ago finally had our wedding, the day was going amazingly until a friend of mine who I’ll call Chris turned up with his +1, my ex, I spoke to him and he had absolutely no idea about my history with her and we tried to get her to leave.
After she refused I decided to just ring the police, 2 officers showed up to arrest her for breaking her restraining order and she flipped out, she was shouting and screaming, she hurled abuse at my wife and claimed that we were ment to be together which obviously distracted from our wedding.

Now my wife is upset with me for causing a scene and a lot of our friends are saying that I should’ve just ignored it and focused on the day because she wasn’t causing any problems up until the police showed up, so AITAH??

Edit to answer some questions I’ve had:
Yes my wife knew I had a restraining order against a stalker, we spoke about it when we started to become serious
A few family members also knew but my friends didn’t as I never spoke to them about it

Edit: UPDATE

We manage a property for an owner. He has owned the property since early 2000s, and inherited a tenant who lived there since 2002. The tenant has been there for 24 years. The property owner never increased his rent once and the tenant was only paying $475 a month in a town where a studio apartment can rent for $2000 a month.

The tenant was now 73 years old. Retired contractor who couldn’t work anymore. Lived alone. He had been behind on rent multiple times over the years, but we always worked with him to get caught back up.

This time, the owner wanted him to move out due to the fact that he was smoking cigarettes in the unit impacting other tenants. He was also behind on rent again. This time we gave him a deadline to pay or else he needed to leave.

As the deadline approached, we gave him multiple reminders and he stopped responding to us. He was always communicative previously. On the day he was supposed to move out, he plugged all of the drains, turned on all of the water inside of the house, broke off match sticks in the locks so we couldn’t get in and then shot himself in the head inside of the unit. By the time someone reported a leak, there was a foot of standing water inside of his unit.

I keep looking for an obituary and no one has posted it after a week. I don’t know if he had any family that cared enough, unfortunately. He was an old man who likely just had no place to go.

EDIT TO ADD:

He was on a month to month lease for over 20 years. The owner could have ended the lease or raised rent at any time and never did until the smoking complaints from other tenants began in addition to the six month balance. He did not go through an eviction process, he just didn’t renew his lease.

I am devastated by the entire situation. To those of you in the comments saying they would kill themselves if they were me and saying I have blood on my hands, I really don’t know what you expected me to do after we tried giving resources but thank you for making me feel worse than I already do. Maybe I should have just let him move in with me? What options did I really have here guys.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Parking-Potato-9891 posting in r/raisedbynarcissists

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 6th March 2026

Update - 28th April 2026

Kept the birth of my child private and now I’m paying for it.

Hello! So I posted this situation in another community but it got taken down so I wanted to try again here because a lot of commenters on the last post recommended this one.

I had a baby just over a month ago. My husband and I decided we wanted everything about the delivery to be private- no visitors at all. We just thought it may reduce some stress, and we felt it was an intimate moment for just the two of us to share.

Anyway, my delivery was long and hard and ended in a c section. We ended up not telling anybody that our baby was born until about 24 hours after the fact because we were just exhausted and wanted to be sure nobody showed up without an invitation.

My husband’s family reacted so well to the news, they were super excited for us. My parents did not react well. My dad blew up on us saying we should be ashamed of ourselves, and how dare i break the news so late to them since they “helped pay for my college”, “came to emergency situations”, and raised me….My mom then sent me and my husband a message basically guilting us for the decision we made and for not telling them sooner.

The next day my dad sent me this long, hateful message essentially saying I did my parents wrong, I’m abusive, my husband is abusing me(my husband is literally perfect so I don’t know where this came from) and that I will “be on an island alone with no love and support”. I responded and said I was sorry their feelings were hurt. I tried to understand where all these accusations were coming from, that I thought it was not right that we were getting treated this way for a decision that was ours to make, and that I was hurt that he would treat me this way and not even ask how I was doing so freshly postpartum when I’m already dealing with enough as is. My dad basically blew me off saying he didn’t ask how I was doing because I should just be giving this information without him having to ask, that he would not be following the rules we made for our child because we “do not control” him, and to not bother inviting him to see me and the baby because he “is done and to have a good life”.

This whole situation is sad and this reaction is just insane. My dad hasn’t spoken to me since, and I don’t feel like I should reach out at this point even though I feel sad about things going this way. My mom eventually said she felt bad for the way they acted but is now acting like nothing ever happened and I don’t know how to feel about that… I just want to know if I’m missing something and treated them poorly? I feel in my core that I just want to be done because it feels so exhausting pretending everything is fine but I also don’t want to lose contact with my family. This is just confusing and frustrating.

Comments

aquagurl84

Well, your dad is a grade A prick and your mom is his flying monkey. I would say to let your dad have his wish and don’t bother contacting him. Focus on your sweet baby and the family you’ve started. It may get resolved in time, or not, but either way, take your time to decide how or if you want to resolve this.

Corredespondent

For a guy who told you he won’t follow your rules for your child, his rejection makes it easier to protect your child. And the unspoken part of “you don’t control me” is “I control you.”

BumblebeeSuper

You're only going to pay for it if you keep in contact.

Your mother of all people should know better. This is the most vulnerable time of your life.

Nothing. Else. Matters.

This is the one time in your life where everything is about YOU and your BABY. Anyone who tries to detract from that are not good people to have in your life.

Maybe when you're healed and settled you can try to reconnect but I wouldn't waste my breath.

RandoCollision

Absolutely. OP, if you allow your folks to establish a close relationship with your child, they sound like the type that will threaten to sue for grandparents' rights if you decide to pull back. Not to suggest they will succeed, but it would be a lot of stress and possibly, lawyer fees to get the case dismissed. You know them better than anybody on Reddit does, but if their entitlement in this situation is not unusual, protect your baby, your husband, and yourself by going low contact. If they ask you why you don't let them see the baby, tell them what your father said about your boundaries is enough to cut all contact. It would be nice if he left that on a text or voice mail.

>OOP: I really hate the thought of all this. I partially feel like I have an obligation to get this ironed out because theyre my parents but at the same time I think the only thing that would possibly get that going is for me to apologize to them and I’m certainly not doing that. So we’ve just been at a stalemate for over a month now…unfortunate.

Update - 2 months later

So 3 months later, my dad still isn’t talking to me. He hasn’t seen my baby, hasn’t reached out, nothing. Honestly the whole not talking to me thing isn’t even what makes me so upset-it’s that apparently his pride and entitlement is more important than knowing my baby. It’s so hard to not just boil over the fact that he’s acting this way.

My grandma (my dad’s mom) accidentally sent a text that was clearly not meant for me…she was texting me asking how we were doing and I replied we were doing good and I was taking baby’s 1 month pictures and that I would send her some of them when I was finished. About 5 minutes later she text “(my name) is taking baby’s 1 month pictures and that she would send them…uh ok?🤷🏼‍♀️”…. If you don’t want pictures of my baby just say that. Maybe I’m reading too far into that text, but it just got me so angry because I’m confident that was meant for my dad to get him pissed off. Just a little more context to why that would piss him off- we asked everyone that was going to receive pictures of our baby to not post them or send them to anyone and my dad lashed out at me saying I wasn’t going to “control how he loves his grand baby” as if exploiting the baby is a way to love…ok. Anyway, this was really disappointing because I’ve always had a good relationship with my grandmother but now I feel I can’t trust her. On top of that she went from texting me several times a week to not talking to me for 3 weeks straight, then proceeded to text my mom and sister asking if I was okay because she hadn’t heard from me as if I’ve been ignoring her. This whole thing with her just has me irritated.

I let my mom come to visit once. The visit went fine, but I can’t help to feel like our relationship is ruined. I didn’t enjoy the visit, I just felt the memories of what happened immediately postpartum looming over my head. I’m just waiting for the day she “suggests” I reach out to my dad. Which I won’t be doing. My mom does things that make me so angry like asking my sister to send her pictures of my baby when she knows the rules are-nobody is supposed to send pictures of my baby to anyone. My sister never sends her the pictures. My sister has been so amazing. I don’t know what I would do without her. Mom asking my sister for pictures makes me feel like she doesn’t care about the boundaries we set and she has no problem being sneaky to get what she wants. Another thing she keeps saying is “when are yall coming down to visit?” Visit for what? To hang out until my dad comes home and a big fight breaks out in front of my baby? For him to just get what he wants after treating me and my husband like garbage? No thanks.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting to all of these things. I’m just so physically tired with everything that comes with the baby. I adore my baby, that child is the light of my life. It’s just hard! I think I have some postpartum rage or depression or something that really amps up my feelings in regard to all of this. I’m just so incredibly angry about it all. Some days I can forget about it if I put my phone on dnd and keep busy. Other days I feel myself just stewing in anger and sadness over how my family has been perfectly comfortable treating me, my husband, and my sweet baby.

Anyway, posting here last time really helped me feel better so I thought I’d do it again. Thanks to everyone who commented last time, I never could have responded to all of those but they were so appreciated🫶🏻.

Comments

BigBirdsBrain

You set clear boundaries and they’re choosing pride over connection, that’s on them not you. Protect your peace and your baby, you’re not overreacting.

>OOP: I appreciate you saying that

DogsNCoffeeAddict

They wanted bragging rights and to be able to tell people they are special and all that. But you didn’t obey them so naturally they are sulking because they are not special and your mom has to hear from your dad how awful and mean you are, of course she is not going to look at you the same. She chose her spouse over her grown kid. Actions have consequences though and their consequences are missing out on a lifetime of bragging rights about their grandkid and how special he/she (forgot baby’s gender sorry) is. They really chose pride over having something to actually be proud of and they are proud of their decisions.

spankthegoodgirl

Protect your child. At all costs. PROTECT. YOUR. CHILD.

They are not entitled to anything, including, but not limited to: time, pictures, hugs, holidays, gift-giving, visits, compromises, events, etc, etc.

Yes, you do have the control. As you should. As every good parent should. He's upset because you took away his binky and blankie... control, and now he's throwing the father of all hissy fits,complete with flying monkeys doing his bidding (mom and wife).

You are NOT overreacting. Let your momma bear side out and rip into anyone that thinks they can break or bend the rules.

"My house, my child, my rules. End of story." Should be your mantra for the rest of your life. For anyone.

He's showing you exactly why you shouldn't cave...because he's not emotionally mature enough to know what the best thing is for a baby. His needs and feelings come first. Fuck his feelings.

My favorite thing to say: Just because someone is upset at you, doesn't mean you did the wrong thing or made the wrong decision. I'm so sorry your dad is an emotional toddler.

>OOP: Thank you for this! I’m a very non confrontational person so sometimes I need this encouragement. It’s already hard enough navigating this parenting thing for the first time, let alone throwing in a giant man toddler pitching fits really makes things frustrating.

spankthegoodgirl

I hear you. You have excellent instincts, momma! You can tell he won't be safe with the baby. People who can't listen to parents rules don't get time with baby. Period. That should be "one rule to rule them all".

There's a book called something like "emotionally immature parents" and I've been meaning to read it, but since both of mine are dead, I have no pressing need. You might want to look into it.

As for you, how are You?? Has any of these "family members" asked you about you? Or do they just care about getting what they want out of you? You take care of yourself, honey. They don't seem to know how to care about anything but themselves.

From experience, it's really difficult seeing parents and family members act so childish when they don't get there way and as much as you may want grandparents for your squish, please use extreme caution. These people rarely change and often get worse as they age. Don't let nostalgia or a longing for parents override your instincts to protect yourself and your baby.

Congratulations on your squish, by the way! You're doing an excellent job!

>OOP: You are too sweet🫶🏻 I feel like I’m doing well aside from the hormones screwing with me! I pointed out to my dad how he never asked how me or baby was doing and he said he didn’t ask because I should have been updating them without them having to ask…yes I was so worried about texting you while having a baby cut out of my body…

spankthegoodgirl

"Sorry dad, got a baby to think about. The texting works both ways. Be an adult and use your words if you want something. Ok, bye." I could be your dad whisperer, since I don't give 2 fucks about his feelings. Lol.

Hormones and possible PPD are all the more reason to put anyone on the back burner other than you and your baby. I wish you speedy healing, pampering, and healthy baby with good sleeping. Hugs if you want them. 🫂🫶

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Important_Fall_8780

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for calling my sister’s marriage result of an affair, when she accused me of being a cheater?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

#Editor's note: OOP granted me permission to share her posts here onto the sub

Trigger Warnings: >!emotional manipulation, mentions of weaponized incompetence, entitlement, harassment, infidelity, gaslighting, possible bullying!<

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Original Post: April 15, 2026

Hi, I am a 27(F). I am sorry to the readers because this is a long and complex post. Let me explain it in 3 points of context before the main argument:

a) My country encourages arranged marriages, and so when my father’s cousin asked for my hand in marriage for his son, my father was very encouraging of the news. He asked for my opinion, of course, and I told him that as long as I can develop compatibility with the boy, I don’t have any objection to marrying him. The connection continued for 3 years, and I literally talked ONCE to him where he used cheesy pick up lines on me and told me his father is sitting beside him reading our texts (a huge turn off), other than that, despite his family being a little less economically sound than us, his father would make backhanded remarks on us and always treat all the gifts given to them as rubbish and say condescending things. Which is why, eventually, I refused to marry him when asked for my final opinion. 2 years after the entire thing ended, I met Henry as a friend, and he is the best thing that can happen to me, so respectful to my family as well, and when he proposed, I said yes, now we are engaged.

b) We are five siblings, I am the middle child, my eldest sister is called Claire (30F), and my second eldest Sarah (28F). Claire moved away from our state to pursue her career and has a great job now, where she met Matt (28M). Matt and Claire clicked immediately. It started with friendship and blossomed into a relationship with Matt pursuing Claire while Claire was hesitant due to the age gap, but eventually agreed. They dated with marriage in mind, and Matt was introduced to our family as her boyfriend. They would also take us on trips and hang out more as they treated all of us as kids.

c) Sarah was engaged to a Hudson, also related to my father's side of the family. Sarah liked Hudson and was so happy when the proposal came, despite Hudson's mother being against it. I know the dynamics are messy. Mind you, Hudson's family showed a lot of red flags due to the point of Hudson asking Sarah to be the main bread earner of the family and not expect anything from him, and he would also like a traditional wife, and even when his mother insulted Sarah, he took his mother's side. My mother asked Sarah to reconsider seeing her being so mistreated, but Sarah wouldn't budge.

Claire and Matt took Sarah and our younger sister on a holiday last winter to a ski resort, I wasn't able to go due to exams, and after that trip Matt started being actively in communication with Sarah which boiled down to Sarah subtly flirting with him, her reason being she wanted to TEST his loyalty to Claire and when Matt confessed feelings for Sarah, she told Claire everything with blame on Matt and asked her to breakup with him. Of course, Claire was heartbroken, and eventually, with the insistence of Sarah, she broke up with Matt. Matt didn't try to keep Claire. 2 months after their breakup, Sarah announced she had broken her engagement with Hudson, and asked all of us to block him. We did try to understand the matter and also console Hudson when he would come wait at our home all day to talk to Sarah, while she ignored him or didn’t come home. Eventually, Hudson gave up too, and just a month after her broken engagement, Sarah and Matt announced to all of us that they had gotten their marriage certificate at the courthouse, i.e., two days ago, and will be moving into our parents' house the very day.

This was when everything came out: Sarah pursued Matt, and they had an affair behind Claire’s back before she decided to pretend to be hit on by Matt, which led to Claire and Matt’s breakup. She also strung along Hudson, but when she found Matt was more financially sound than Hudson (her own words), she decided to break the engagement. Now they are married and demand that my parents vacate the entire upper portion of their house for Matt and her home, as Matt is still struggling, and our parents owe this much to her. The entire thing led to Claire having a breakdown and my parents having a shock, as a court marriage is seen negatively in our community. When they didn’t cater to her needs immediately she threw a fit and called my mother names including a S word, this of course angered me and I asked her to restrain back and watch what she is saying, she told that I shouldn’t tell her what is right when I am a cheater and lack moral character, everyone knows Henry didn’t even exist in my life until after 2 years of the entire thing, and being called a cheater hit closer to home as our father cheated on our mom and we all suffered from it, I know I might have overreacted but I called her marriage as a result of an affair stating entire chain of events and she can’t fool us. After which she started crying and shut herself in a room, saying that she is treated like shit in the family, and I should apologize to her. My parents asked me to apologize to keep the peace, but I refused as she started it first, and I am done with her nonsense. My parents also got a little grim with me. My younger siblings told me I might have gone too far, and I should apologize. I haven’t talked much to anyone else in my family for the last two days, and Sarah continues to play the victim. I feel wronged not only on my behalf but also on Claire’s, too, AITAH? Should I apologize?

P.S. We only tried to console Hudson as we all knew how much Sarah loved him, and we wanted them to reconcile, of course, if Sarah wanted. Secondly, Claire has shut all of us out after the announcement of her marriage and won’t answer any calls or texts.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. With this much drama, shutting you up would only encourage your sister to insult you more. Since she claimed it is only fair for your parents to vacate their bedroom and gift it to her and her husband, then it is only fair you and your eldest sister insult and ostracize her since Sarah owes it to you both for causing drama in the family, maybe even throw her out of the family home.

I think you should hold on to an excuse such as " Sarah owes..." in a death grip and wield it whenever Sarah opens her mouth to be a victim.

> OOP: Exactly, Idk how is everyone is catering to her entitlement.

Commenter 2: NTA. Tell everyone that if anything you said to Sarah was untrue, you would apologize.

If Sarah was hurt by the truth, that is her own fault, not yours.

If you really want to kick Sarah while she's down, tell her that the family will never forget what she did to Claire. NEVER! No matter how many years pass, whenever any family member sees her and Matt together, they will (unconsciously) remember that she stole her own sister's boyfriend/fiancé, while being in a relationship with Hudson herself. How can she even dream of ever being in the same room with Claire again after this betrayal? Who's the one that really "lacks moral character" here? That's what I would do, but you may have more moral restraint than me and not be as petty.

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be." P.C. Hodgell

> OOP: Exactly, she even said Claire wasn’t married to Matt so it isn’t really cheating.

Commenter 3: What I don't understand is why would they want Hudson to go back with the cheater? Is like they wanted Clair back with Matt after he cheated with Clair's sister.

> OOP: > > 1) We didn’t know Sarah was involved with Matt when she broke off her engagement with Hudson. > > 2) We only encouraged reconciling because Sarah always said Hudson is the love of her life and her crush

Commenter 4: Shouldn't Sarah go live with her husband's family?

> OOP: Matt doesn’t earn at all as he doesn’t have a job and his mother refused to keep them

Commenter 5: I don't understand how you are a cheater and what your cousin (the one who wanted to marry you) has to do with the story, but you shouldn't have to apologise for telling the truth to your sister. NTA

> OOP: well she called me a cheater since I REFUSED to marry him because he asked me first and met henry later and got engaged

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Update #1: April 21, 2026 (six days later)

UPDATE: AITAH for calling my sister’s marriage result of an affair, when she accused me of being a cheater?

Hi, here’s my first post if anyone wants https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1slytpr/aitah_for_calling_my_sisters_marriage_result_of/

I didn't know many people would come to me for advice, and I am eternally grateful. Although it hasn’t been a week, a lot has gone down.

1. I still haven’t apologized to Sarah, and my father isn’t talking to me because of that. Though my mother understood my perspective and condemned Sarah, my father sees it as a 'mistake in youth'. Though none of my parents are agreeing to Sarah and Matt taking upper portion of our home, because my dad is very strict about finances, but Sarah has already started making renovation plans which includes shutting the entrance to the portion from inside the home and making from the outside for PRIVACY and now lays claims to third story as well as it is directly over her area and will cut off from ground level.

2. Matt and Sarah have gone down to a campaign to whitewash themselves. They visit relatives, telling their story and even try to manipulate my younger siblings. The funny part is, 2 days ago, while telling such a story, when my maternal aunt was visiting Matt, trying to justify his actions said Sarah pursued him relentlessly and proposed first, so he reciprocated, which was against the whole narrative of Sarah 'If he fell in love with me, it isn’t my fault' and made her look embarrassed.

She came to me to yet again pass sly remarks on me, but this time I told her, Matt doesn’t even respect you enough to not blame you for everything, yet you follow him like a puppy, at which she tried to utter some words but stuttered so hard and then left.

3. I talked to Claire, and she told me not to mention anything related to the whole thing, as it is hurtful to her, and she is trying to move on. We did have a heart to heart conversation, and I might visit her next month.

4. Henry has been my rock in this. I felt second hand embarrassment at the whole situation, but it did take a whole mental toll on me. He visits me frequently to console me and help me through it.

Funniest thing out of all of this is that cracks are already showing in Sarah and Matt’s marriage, as my dad wouldn’t let Matt stay over, and he is frustrated with hotel bills. Sarah had a huge argument with my dad, but well, he didn’t budge. Matt blames Sarah for not even getting him a place to sleep, as he is her husband and should be her priority. Sarah, on the other hand, blames Matt because his mother won’t acknowledge the marriage and give Sarah all the gold she made for her daughter-in-law and a place in her house.

Now, yesterday, Sarah came to me to seek my help. I was confused but decided to listen. One of her patients is filing a medical negligence case against her, and she wants me to take the case as she has no money for a lawyer’s retainer. I did feel some sympathy since seeing the facts, she seemed not liable, but I refused to take her case since I am done being under her thumb. She caused a huge wreck in the house with a meltdown about it. My mother yet again asked me to take the case for her sake, while my father asked me to make my own decision. I still haven’t said yes to her, which has made Sarah pass snarky remarks on me about sibling loyalty, etc. I know this is a mess, but a lot of people wanted an update, and my therapist said it might help to journal, so I am here talking it out.

Update: some people are asking why we stay with our parents despite Sarah being a doctor and I being a lawyer. My country has a much lower pay scale due to the economy. Moreover, daughters are expected to live with their parents until they get married. Since Sarah works in the same city as my parent, she refused to move out as it saves her money, and otherwise she would have to do all the household work. I just started my practice; credit cards and loans are rare in my country, so I wanted to save up before leaving.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Sarah is very brave to speak about sibling loyalty when she stole her elder sister's man in the first place. She and Matt are match made in hell for sure, and I think it's time to move out from your family home, either by renting or by marriage, your family sounds like a huge mess.

> OOP: I am planning to move out in a month’s time. Hopefully, it will help my mental health

Commenter 2: As others have said, don’t take her case. There are multiple reasons not to. Everything from conflict of interest to she hasn’t treated you anywhere close to good enough to do it (and if you’re doing pro bono she needs to at least treat you with respect). Also, is medical malpractice your area of law?

You said you’re going to move out soon because that’s what will be best for you. It sounds like you’re correct there so focus on that. Work with your therapist and decide how much contact you want to have with everyone besides Claire, once you do. I would also suggest talking to your therapist about some of the various scenarios that may happen after you move out, tell Sarah no and go lc or nc or whatever you decide to do. It’s very unlikely that Sarah will just accept that and leave you alone entirely. Having at least an idea for a plan for the most likely things you can think of (do you think she will try to hurt you professionally? Legally? In the area you live? Or just mutual friends and fam?), would probably just make it less stressful to navigate.

Stay strong. You have nothing to apologize for, and you really shouldn't be apologizing anyway. The truth is the truth, and if someone doesn’t like their truth that’s their problem. If you do want to get petty though, I have ideas.

> OOP: Sarah wants me to basically legally harass the complainant with a defamation claim. thank you for your advice.

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Editor's note: OOP made a separate post for Update #2, but it was deleted, before being reinstalled onto the same post with Update #1

Update #2: April 22, 2026 (next day)

Mini Update: I didn’t plan to update the mess that was already created. The good news is that I got an interview call, and if I get it, I will be moving to the same state as Claire. Bad news is that it can still take up to a month for that to happen.

Update on case: Sarah wants me to 'legally' harass the complainant against her with a defamation suit because, since they are not financially well off, they will fear lawyer’s fees and back out. Which is all kinds of disgusting, and it can basically revoke my license. I refused to do as asked and also explained this to my mother, who took my side. Which made Sarah curse out all of us for an hour, but when no one cared, she stopped and made a sulky face all day.

Another mess would be that Hudson’s mother secretly had him engaged to a family friend. Much richer than us, since she wanted a lot of gifts, money, and a car from the girl’s side (I know this is disgusting, but a tradition). She knew she won’t get it from us, because we as a family are anti-dowry, which we told her initially. But the shocking part was that when Sarah got the news, she decided to call Hudson, but found herself blocked. She threw a fit, playing the victim of cheating, and made calls all around the family, trying to gain sympathy. Not only that, she wanted information on when the wedding was taking place to crash it. Honestly, I am shocked at her audacity.

Hudson’s mom is a big gossiper of the family, and she got to know what Sarah’s smear campaign was pretty soon and decided to take her by the arm. She visited our home and asked Sarah to return all the gifts, including gold jewelry, Hudson had gifted to her, even clothes (this was cheap, I know, but I got no sympathy for her). Sarah REFUSED to give back anything. My father played the role of mediator and asked Sarah to return the gold jewelry, including the engagement ring that belonged to Hudson’s grandmother, as now Sarah is married to another man and shouldn’t keep these. Sarah threw a fit and called it her compensation for being cheated on. One good thing about my father is that he is strict; he paid her no heed and made her give it back. She could only give back half of it, since she had already sold some for the expenses of her own marriage to Matt.

Ironically, my father made Sarah write a receipt to pay back the rest in cash or gold. Moreover, all of us thought Matt did help Sarah financially, but it was Sarah bearing the load, including all hotel expenses. My father called Matt a bum and a freeloader and told Sarah how ashamed he is of her. That did shut her up and house was finally quieter in weeks but then she started to talk about how much she despises Hudson’s cheating and would find a way to teach him a 'lesson'.

I couldn’t stand it, just couldn’t. I called her out, it did come out as a meltdown, but I called her out on cheating, gaslighting and manipulation and even pulled a 'now come the crocodile tears' when she teared up, and IT SHUT HER UP. She hasn’t said a word since. Henry has offered me a place, but my mother asked me to stay for her sake for now.

Idk, I didn’t want to make a new post about it. The mess is escalating at the speed of light, and I feel like losing my sanity. I did tell my parents that if Sarah stirs up more drama, I will move out sooner because my mind would explode from the nonsense. This might be the last update. Maybe I will come back if it gets too much to hold onto, but honestly, I feel so embarrassed.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_maybeIDKMAN

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I F24 think my boyfriend M30 is cheating we've been together 5 years.

Editor’s note: changed letters to names for ease of readability

---

Original Post (rareddit): Apr 22, 2026

I've (F24) been dating my boyfriend (M30) for about 5 years and throughout those 5 years we've both been really happy. We met when I was in college and he was visiting my roommate (his little sister) and we just hit it off. I moved into his place around the 2 year mark of us dating. For the sake of some privacy I will just call him Xavier.

Recently Xavier has been weird though. He'll come home way later than he usually does from work, and he's been dodgy with his phone lately. The only reason I haven't confronted him is because I have read stories on here on my main account of people thinking their significant other is cheating but really they were just getting them a surprise or throwing a party. I also don't want to be a jealous girlfriend as he has told me that in the past one of his girlfriends was really jealous and that's why they broke up. He is also my first serious boyfriend and I'm really happy in this relationship and I don't want to screw it up.

The only other thing though is that if he was cheating I think I would know who it is with. He has this friend M29 (I'll call him Joe) And Joe as this girlfriend (I'll call her Rachel) who is F29. Rachel works at the same place as Xavier. Joe and Rachel have been friends with my boyfriend for a while and Rachel is really close to my boyfriend and sometimes he'll invite just her over to our house (but I am there most of the time). If he was cheating I think it would be her, but I could be wrong so I can't ask her and ruin their friendship or something. So I really don't know what to do. Joe has no problem with Rachel going over to our house without him so it might just be me being jealous? Idk. I know that Rachel also has cheated on Joe in the past so that's another reason I guess? If you can't tell already I kinda don't like Rachel. (Also sorry if the letter names confuse you I really don't want anyone I know being able to figure out that this is me or something).

We are usually very open with our phones to, he can check mine whenever he wants and I can check his whenever I want. Xavier has accused me of cheating before, and it really hurt me because I wasn’t, so I don’t want to accuse him and then have him feel like I did or something.

I really don't know what to do and I love him, so I don't want to ruin our relationship.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: At first I thought you were being paranoid, then I read “Rachel also cheated on Joe in the past” and now I wouldn’t trust her myself. I’m assuming Xavier knows that as well. I would confront him about it and let him know how uncomfortable I feel towards this situation. However I’ve been in your shoes before, so I remember how hard it was to work up the courage to do that. Talking to Joe might not be the worst idea.

> OOP: I have thought about talking to Joe and asking him if Rachel has been weird lately or something but I’m not close to him and I don't even have his phone number saved in my phone. Before I ask my boyfriend or anything I think I am going to try to ask Joe.

Commenter 2: have you asked him at all why he’s been coming home late? if not, start there. it’s not unreasonable to ask your partner “hey why are you always coming home so late?”, like I honestly I think it’d be weirder if someone wasn’t curious about their partner always coming home late. I get that you don’t want to be a jealous gf, but if you are in a relationship where you can’t even ask him about where he is and why he has this schedule change, then you are not in a healthy relationship

don’t bring up Rachel or anything, and depending on how he reacts to you asking him about him always coming home late, it might be a good idea to hold back on the phone convo for now. if you ask him where he’s been and he blows up on you and starts calling you crazy or jealous or anything… honestly I think you should just check his phone when he’s sleeping or something because he’s probably cheating. I know him accusing you of cheating made you feel bad and you don’t want to do that to him, but he may have made those cheating accusations because he knew it’d make it harder for you to question him when he’s actually doing something worth questioning. even if he isn’t cheating or doing anything wrong, he better not turn anything around on you and make you the bad guy for asking. it’s not like you’re going crazy and getting pissed about every interaction he has with a woman. if he truly isn’t doing anything wrong, like say he’s planning some huge proposal or surprise or something, he should still be able to see why you would have questions about what he’s been up to and how it could come off as suspicious

regardless of what he is doing, I think you need to be there for yourself a bit more. stop thinking you’re going to screw this up or ruin the relationship because you have questions about these weird changes. don’t put your love for him and your hope for this relationship first, put yourself first. if he is betraying you, you deserve to have yourself fully in your own corner, not prioritizing him or the relationship. just be there for yourself, you got this<3

> OOP: Thank you for your advice, and all of the comments on this post says to just talk to him so when he gets home today I am going to try to ask why he's home late and then whatever happens after that happens.

Commenter 3: Everything was normal until he accused you on cheating, usually cheaters do this to deflect lol. It’s a really strange thing. Also: I firmly believe in woman’s intuition because I felt it when my ex was cheating but I didn’t know he was cheating. I just knew something was wrong and he was at work too much (he got with his coworker lol)

&nbsp;

Update: April 24, 2026 (two days later)

UPDATE I F24 think my boyfriend M30 is cheating we've been together 5 years.

So first I wanna say thank you to anyone who commented on my original post and gave me advice. I didn't think I was going to post an update as my last post didn't gain a lot of traction, but someone wanted an update so here it is. Also sorry if it’s kind of long.

The last 2 days has been chaotic to say the least. When Xavier (my now ex-boyfriend) got home the same day I posted originally he came home late yet again by like an hour. He acted perfectly normal, so I was having second thoughts, but I decided to just go through with my plan on asking him why he was coming home late. This is what I asked him: "Oh by the way, I've been meaning to ask how come you've been coming home so late?" I was told by reddit to make sure it didn't sound like I was confronting him. He responded with a simple "oh just traffic and my meetings have been longer than usual". To me that seemed like a perfectly reasonable explanation and I let it go.

Well right before we went to bed he was on his phone a lot. From what I could tell he was texting someone. I’m not proud of what I did but when he fell asleep I looked for his phone. He had hidden it in his bedside table. I looked through his and Rachel's (his friends girlfriends) texts and found nothing suspicious. I was relieved for a second but then I opened up his Instagram. Turns out he was cheating on me just not with Rachel but some random girl he had met on Instagram. They had been texting regularly, and he was leaving work early to go visit her. I couldn't believe it as we have been together for so long and even though I had asked reddit I still wanted to be wrong. I kind of just sat there in shock for a while I think. We had talked about getting married, having kids, moving, getting pets and making travel plans all while he was hooking up with some girl? After I gathered myself I had just put the phone back and laid down in bed. It took a while for me to fall asleep, but I eventually did*

When we were eating breakfast I confronted him. Told him I knew everything and that we were breaking up. He begged me to let him have a chance to explain but I said no and that I had gone through his phone and saw all of the texts. I packed while he was trying to get me to stay and then had my sister pick me up. Now I’m staying at her place. It was all a blur and happened very fast as I just wanted to get out.

Where I am heartbroken and wished I kind of never had found out I know that I would have rather broken up with him then give him another chance as I have 0 tolerance for cheaters and he knew this. I've been talking to my sister all morning today and according to her she never liked him and always thought that when I was with him I just kind of let him walk all over me. This all happened so fast though, and I have barely had time to process it. He also has been spamming me with messages literally everywhere and I keep blocking him, but he won't stop.

But anyways. That's the update. My life's now shit, I live with my sister, and I work pretty close to where he lives so that's great. I haven't been single in a while so idk what to do with all my extra time.

Edit: No I'm not messaging the girl and or ruining her life I'm pissed at her but I'm not a monster sadly(unlike her). And I'm not ruining his life either the most I would do is tell his family but that sounds kind of childish and I want to be the bigger person.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You didn’t ruin your life, you just found out the truth and protected your future. That took a lot of strength. One small thing that might help: mute, don’t just block, so you don’t see his messages at all. How’s it been living with your sister so far?

> OOP: I have tried muting also, but he just makes like alt accounts and messages me he even had his sister message me. I've lived with my sister before lol she's like a second mother to me, so she's been helping a lot.

Commenter 2: I'm surprised his sister, your friend and roommate in university, would be helping her brother out. Does she know what her brother did? Does she have the full story?

> OOP: Idk. I've been friends with her for a while, so I don't think she knew he was cheating or even knows now. She only messaged me like twice and told me her brother was also blowing up her phone asking if she could talk to me. Probably will be cutting her off if she does it again considering I already told her not to message me about him again.

Commenter 3: Just tell her what her brother did so she’ll leave you alone and she’ll give him a telling off. Why keep it to yourself?

> OOP: I’m not keeping it to myself it’s been literally a day.. I have more important things to do currently with finances, my living situation, and family issues. I will be telling her I just haven't yet.

Commenter 4: so so glad this ended with you leaving. stay strong and do not go back! recovering from cheating is awful, give yourself time to heal, it could take a year. after it happened to me and I actually was no contact for a year I was surprised to realize he wasn’t consuming my thoughts anymore, and then quickly it turned into “wow I haven’t thought of him at all this week.” it just takes time, you got this.

obligatory woman to woman advice, get tested 😔.

> OOP: I didn't even think to get tested, thank you I will set up a doctor’s appointment asap.

Does OOP know the other woman?

> OOP: I only knows their name (which I won't be saying on reddit). I do know they knew about me though.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Dealing_with_a_Crazy

Me [37 M] trying to deal with [24 F] potential stalker

TRIGGER WARNING: >!stalking!<

Original Post June 5, 2015

So I have what my buddies describe as a crazy dream. I have this really hot new hire that seems to be into me, which would normally be great but she is also super young and potentially a stalker.

Here is the deal. We work in the same building but not on the same project or anything. We cross paths in the cafeteria and in the garage but outside of that don't really interact on a daily thing. Our first meeting was back in April at an office happy hour thing. It seemed to be a pleasant conversation and we hit it off for a few hours and then went our separate ways.

We would cross paths a few times in the hall or the company cafeteria, but would just smile or stop and make small talk. Then about two weeks ago I was sitting having lunch outside by myself and she came and joined me out of the blue. We laughed and joked and then finished up and I went back to work. When I came out that night to leave for work she was sitting on my motorcycle waiting for me. She asked if I would take her for a ride around the block but I explained to her that I only had one helmet and riding in our city without one could get us a ticket. I know weak excuse and my buddies gave me flack for it, but honestly I am weird about safety when I ride. I told her maybe another time then went home. Two days later I am at my gym finishing up and I get a tap on my shoulder. Its the intern! We talked and she told me she just joined, to which I thought nothing about and then I went on my way.

Now I am not going to like, I was thinking of maybe asking her out, but I really don't want to screw around with my job and career just over a hot girl whom I may or may not have anything in common with. I talked it over with my friends and well many feel the same way with a few that live for the moment and others that put more thought into actions. The next day (last week) she joins me for lunch again. We get to talking some more and she told me she wasn't sure about joining a gym but after talking to a few people and seeing that I worked out there she decided to give it a shot. Fast forward to last night where I get a strange knock on my door. I open it up and who is there, you guessed it the Intern girl. She said she was in the neighborhood and wanted to know if I wanted to go out for dinner and some beers. Now I am a bit creep-ed out and ask her to how she knows where I live, to which she states she peaked at my employee file (she works in HR as an intern there). I tell her this is not acceptable and ask her to leave because I already have plans to which she apologizes and leaves.

Now I know she is young, so some of this might be impetuous mistakes, but I am honestly a little freaked out by this. I don't know if I should report this to HR (where she works) or let this go. I mean I don't think I've done anything to lead her on, I have not asked her out, slept with her, or even do anything outside of have lunch with her. I'm not trying to get her fired nor ruin my career in any way. One of my friends seems to think if I just went out with her she would calm down, but I don't think I want to encourage the behavior and end up with a dead animal nailed to my door or something. I am not sure if I go to HR and say "hey, your intern is looking into my personal file and showing up where I work out and at my home" if they would believe it. She also seems genuinely nice and sincere in conversation so I don't want to ruin her life if it was just a stupid mistake we make as a kid type thing. I also don't want to assume that because of this she is interested in me then try to have a talk with her and have her come across as if I'm at fault here. What is the best way for me to protect myself and proceed from here? Am I over reacting or making a big deal out of nothing?

tl;dr: Met an intern at company happy hour, she went into my HR file and started appearing where I hang out. Not sure how to deal with the situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> Do not excuse this because she is "young". I am 25 and work in the corporate HR world.... I would be fired for doing something as violating as what she has done. Looking in an employees file to obtain and use their information is a huge NOPE.
> > I think it is important to think about this in reverse.... would a 37 yr old woman feel the same as you if a 24 yr old male coworker showed up at her doorstep admitting he looked at her employee files? > > She is a liability to you and to the company you work for. You need to report this, I'm actually shocked you have not.
> > Edit: I would hate to work for a company with an HR advisor/director like her one day. She is willing to cross the line of trust.

OOP

>> Well I just came back from HR. My main concern was because she works with them and that her age and sex it would look like something I caused or take her side. You know how certain departments protect their own or keep it internal. >> >> I spoke to the HR director directly and told her about what has been going on. She asked if I had any proof of any of this, which outside of maybe a few of my friends eating lunch with us, I really don't. She did say she would look at the HR system as that tracks all movement to see if anyone has accessed my files.
>> >> In the meanwhile I am to try to keep my contact with her to a minimum, which is not a problem for me. I can not control if I see her at the gym, but outside of that I have pretty much told HR and now have to wait to see what they will do.

Update June 8, 2015 (3 days later)

So taking a few of your advices I reached out to the head of my department and shot him an email over the weekend explaining my situation and my talk with the HR Director. After that I went about my weekend and put it out of my mind. With that said, there were a few times when my phone would go off I go would get a bit nervous that I would get a message or call from her, but that subsided.

In fact, when I walked through the doors this morning I really had started feeling better about the whole situation; like everything was back to normal. An hour had passed then all of a sudden my department head pulled me into his office and sat me down. He and I go way back to when I first started working here so he told me that he had talked to HR and that he was not allowed to discuss anything with me until they had spoken to me first. He then told me to consider my options before I signed any paperwork, then walked me up to HR.

Now I am a grown man, but I have to admit that the walk and elevator ride up to HR was the most uncomfortable silence and nerve wracking experience I had experienced in a while. It was like being marched to the Principal's office and you were not sure why. My stomach was in knots and thoughts of getting a lawyer or finding a new job started jumping into my head. By the time I had sat down in the HR director's office I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin.

The HR director sat me down and went over what I had reported on Friday before leaving for the day. She kept saying that she wanted to make sure I wasn't leaving out any detail or if I had any video or audio proof of what I claimed. At this point I felt like I was on trial for something so I started asking why I would have any of that or be even prepared to document my life in such a way when up till her showing up to my house I had never put anything thought about her being anything other than friendly. She then told me they found that my records had been reviewed as well as others, but I was the only one that had come forwards with anything. As many of you can imagine I was confused at what was going on and a bit scared, so I asked her flat out what is going on.

She told me that as of today the intern had been fired and if I wanted to pursue legal matters against her (restraining orders, breach of privacy, etc.) the company would provide me full support and back me up legally with lawyers. I am also at this time getting 2 years free of credit monitoring and insurance. The company would not bring up legal recourse against the intern unless I wanted to. There was mention of offers for counseling and such, but I let them know I wouldn't be needing it as nothing outside of her showing up happened.

They let me know I have 48 hours to take all the paperwork to my lawyers and think about what I would like to do. But as of right now I don't think I have anything to worry about. I talked to my director after the meeting and he told me that the company at this time is afraid I will sue, which he doesn't recommend, but I don't have to worry about my job. I told him I wouldn't be pressing charges against her as she had already lost her job and well, I feel like that would be taking it too far. He had a different feeling about it, but also told me that he might have handled the situation differently if he wasn't married and it had happened to him.

Over all I feel relieved and wanted to thank everyone that had given the advice before

tl;dr: Intern Fired, 2 years of free credit monitoring and protection, have to bring documents to lawyer and decide if I want to press charges. Edit Punctuation

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> "She told me that as of today the intern had been fired and if I wanted to pursue legal matters against her (restraining orders, breach of privacy, etc.) the company would provide me full support and back me up legally with lawyers. I am also at this time getting 2 years free of credit monitoring and insurance." > > Sounds like they are massively trying to cover their asses, and doing a good job of it really. > > Bottom line - you could sue if you wanted to. I personally wouldn't because you really haven't been wronged in any major way and they seem to be doing the right thing by you. Having that kind of lawsuit in your professional history would be bad for you personally.

OOP

>> Well, I already knew I wasn't going to sue unless I got fired. Pretty much I'm one of those guys that isn't out looking for blood or a quick payment. I like where I work, I like what I do most of the time, so I really never would want to do anything except clear my name if things had turned out the other way. >> >> With that said. No I won't sue or press charges, the only thing I plan to do is bring the documents to my lawyers to make sure that I don't miss a clause in legalese that says by accepting this document my first born child will be named bacon narwhal junior and I have to cut my left testicle off with a rusty spoon after Monday. You know... basic stuff.

What were the documents?

> Well, one is an NDA stating standard stuff. One packet is for the identity theft protection stuff. One packet is for the use of the lawyers.One packet is for pursuing legal matters against Intern > > And one Packet is a standard acceptance and acknowledgement of what I brought to HR, what has happened to lead me to this point in my life, what was discovered, what was done, that legally I promise this is all true, etc. > > The last document is the one I have marked for my lawyer to read first because that is the one that while I am certain is standard (I guess, I have never been in this situation before) is the one that I don't want to sign right away. I'm pretty sure that it states that if they get sued by her for wrongful dismissal it was due to my statement and actions.

Final update June 9, 2015 (1 day after 1st update)

One Final post... I don't see this warranting another update post so.

Lawyers reviewed and drafted up a response statement I signed 3 out of all of the packets and submitted the response statement with the 4th /5th (its really not a packet just a sheet of paper).

I know many of you say report her and press charges, but here is the thing. According to my lawyer that kind of makes her unemployable. I'm not looking to ruin her life, but restraint orders and charges pressed makes her really unemployable. I'm not saying this for any other reason as to be a simple human being. The letter I submitted states that I am taking this chance and reserve the rights to press charges / restraining orders for a later date if further contact peruses.

As for the Identity theft and such, I plan to take full advantage of it and have requested a request of proof that there was a breach to my information through the HR department. This I am told is only to be used if I do have my identity stolen so that I can assist with stopping it and from talking to HR this isn't a problem.

I know I need to protect myself, and I realize that this could be potentially dangerous (even more so than the motorcycle riding, snow boarding, or what ever other stupid choices in my life). However I don't feel the need to push the envelope and ruin another human's life. She is already unemployed and may have a hard time finding another job in the field. I don't wish to compound that in such a way as to make her unemployable.

I also wanted to thank each and every one of you that took time out of your day to read this and a special thank you to those of you that gave such great advice.

FINAL COMMENTS

pizza_partyUSA

> I think it's really nice of you that you aren't pressing charges. Granted, I've never had anyone stalking me, so I may feel different if I had more experience. Much like you, I'm sure, I hope her getting fired for it was enough of a shock to make her stop. > > Of course, if she tries to contact you again at all, you should DEFINITELY do something. Your safety is far more important. Her mistakes are her own problem.

OOP

>> Oh, I plan to. Honestly if I came across her say in a grocery store I'm not going to freak out and be like "OMG YOUR A STALKER". If she shows up at my place again then I would be like "Hey, look you seem like a good kid but your going about this the wrong way. Don't come by here again anymore. If you do, if I see you I'm going to have to get a restraining order'. Or something along that lines. >> >> I'm not bullet proof, stab proof, or even poison proof, but I am not going to live my life in fear of 100lb little girl.

~

TheHamburgerlar

> Well then... that escalted quickly.If you're sastisfied with their handling of the situation then you're good. I'm sure it's just a way for the company (espceially big corporate companies) to cover any possible loophole for you to sue. Good job on the way you handled it, I think I would've ended up sleeping with her and been all sorts of shit with HR and lost my job..... note to self: Don't bone co-workers. > > Thanks for the update! Great posts.

OOP

>>Yeah I would be lying if I say that if she hadn't shown up at my place and we had just hung out like we were doing, I probably would have been more receptive to the idea of pursuing something outside of the workplace, especially if she was a short term intern.

nwpeters

> Um, listen. As a guy who was stalked in my 30's, lemme just say this: keep your head on a fucking swivel, bc it is not at all cool when you are walking up to your front door after a long day, and out of nowhere 110lbs. of sobbing lustful confusion tackles you from behind begging to talk/sex/come inside/whatever you want, just so long as you interact with her crazy self. > > Seriously, her showing up at your place when she shouldn't have had your address gave me flashbacks. People like this simply do not understand social norms (or maybe they think they just don't apply to them, IDK). > > SO yeah. Keep an eye out. She may well want to talk to you now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayweirdissue

Girlfriend (24F) wants me (24M) to stop hanging out with her father and refuses to explain why. How do I figure out what is going on?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity!<

Original Post Oct 10, 2019

So this is a weird one, at least for me. Anne and I have been dating for a little over an year now. I met her parents when we were 2 months together or so. She always spoke very highly of them and never mentioned any conflict that could have been the cause of the current issue.

I've had some bad experiences with fathers in my past relationships but Anne's father was a nice surprise to have. He's a very cool dude and you can see he truly cares about his family and the happiness of every member.

After I met her parents and got along with them, we would visit them at least twice a month. Sometimes it was Anne's idea and sometimes her parents would invite us to dinner with Anne's siblings. Once again, those were always positive experiences and both me and Anne enjoyed it.

Then one day her father invited me to meet him so we could get some beer. I invited Anne but she didn't want to so I went by myself. He talked about his life, his job, random topics and I did the same. I had a pretty good time so when he invited me the next month I went again. So this became a thing, each month we meet up to drink beer and talk,

Anne never said anything negative about this, in fact when I would come back she would ask if I had fun and we would talk a little bit about it.

I was surprised three days ago to have her come and ask me to stop hanging out with her father. I asked if something had happened and she said that it didn't, she just wanted me to stop. This was something new because we usually talk about everything as openly as we can manage, it was something that we made sure to estabilish at the beginning due to our past experiences. So this is a very strange behavior coming from her.

I tried asking her if they had argued or if he had said/done something to upset her but she changes the subject or flat out tells me to just stop hanging out with him and move on. I don't know if I should ask her father about this and to be honest it is not something that I want to do. Everything is normal unless I bring up this subject. Just today she was talking about her family planning the birthday of her sister next week and it was like nothing was happening.

I don't want to make decisions without knowing what is going on behind them but I don't know how to get the answers without having to bring in more people into this. Anyone could give me some insight?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Editors Note: commenters had 2 alternating theories

Improbablyfromhell

> I think you should respect her, but also not just let this go. > > The first thing that popped into my mind is that she planning to end the relationship with you and doesn't want her dad and you to be buddies to minimise the awkwardness. > > But then again that's just the first thing I thought of.

OOP

>>This possiblity did not cross my head at all. Mostly because our relationship is completely normal as it was before. I will keep this in mind, maybe I will try asking her about our relationship instead of asking about her father.

~

blackandwhitepaint

> We don't know, bud. I'd try to respect it since it's her family, not yours. Maybe they have a feud that you don't know about, and she's not ready to talk about it. There's always more going on in family than you think you know just by looking in as an outsider. If you don't know, and have no real stakes, why not just respect what she wants. > > I have a father who is kind and charming and generous, and misogynistic. He loves to talk to his sons in law about how women suck. His daughters are ok with them all being together, but when the guys are alone together, the daughters get uncomfortable about what kind of toxiic male bonding they're doing, and for good reason I think. Not saying this is what's going on, but she as a daughter probably has better insight and valid reasons.

OOP

>>This is what bugs me the most. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of who they are as a family but now I have to doubt that and I have to worry about what is going on when I'm not there. Is it going to be a thing that will keep affecting my relationship with my girlfriend? Are we going to keep having these weird moments?

Update - rareddit Oct 15, 2019 (5 days later)

So I just want to start by saying that I should probably start paying more close attention to the people around me.

After I made the post I decided the best route was to speak to Anne about our relationship and dig more into the father issue later. To my surprise this time it didn't take long because she just burst into tears. She reassured me that everything was fine between us but there was an issue with her parents and I wasn't supposed to know from her but she is very angry at her father and this was how the issue between us came to be.

Her father is having an affair, has been seeing this woman for 10 months. Anne's mother had no idea something was up until he said he was going out with me for a beer and then later Anne sent a picture of me and her at a party that same night.

Then, he went out twice to meet up with me for a beer which was weird (we only went out once a month) but he told her I was helping him out with an idea for a project he had for their house. Since at this point she was suspicious she started to check with Anne whenever he said he was going out with me.

Things started to get more obvious and Anne's father ended up coming clean a few weeks ago. They broke the news to their sons and daughters but had a special talk with Anne since her father had been using my name in this mess and her mother thought it was only right for him to talk to me and apologize. Anne tried to keep quiet but ended up lashing out which caused the issue between us.

I did have a talk with her father and it was extremely awkward, he apologized and said he hoped we could keep being friends once everything was settled. Don't know about that though.

Anne has also apologized but this has really taken a toll on her so I'm not holding it against her.

Thanks to everyone who replied to the first post, even though most of you made me a little paranoid that I was going to get dumped I still got some good insight.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/limberlovemuscle

Me [26M] with my wife [25F] all together 5 years I saw what looks to be a picture of my wife on my friends phone, the picture was nude

Originally posted to r/AdviceAnimals r/tifu & relationships

Eidtors Note: OOP's original post was removed from tifu only because it wasnt OOP's fuck up

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stealing nude images, harassment and violent threats!<

Original Post Jan 13, 2016

TIFU THREAD - TIFU: By looking at my friends phone

RELATIONSHIPS THREAD

We were sitting on the couch drinking a few beers watching DVR reruns of the twilight zone. Its my day off and my friend got kicked out of his house about a month ago by his girlfriend, as far as I know he did nothing wrong. He's been sleeping in a hotel and my wife and I offered to let him stay at our apartment for a few weeks until he can find a place of his own. Anyway we are sitting on the couch and he runs out of beer and gets up to go to my kitchen to get another. He puts his phone face down on the couch. I shouldn't have but I picked it up to look at it. He was looking at a picture of my wife... naked. I'm almost certain its her. I got really uncomfortable at the thought that he's browsing his phone looking at a pic of my naked wife right fucking next to me.

I quickly put down the phone where he had it and I locked the screen to be safe. When he came back I went to my bedroom to type this. Guys what do I do. Tons of thoughts are swimming through my head. Please help I dont want to do anything I regret.

TL;DR: Found a nude picture of my wife on my friends phone, who is currently living with us after getting kicked out by his girlfriend.

EDIT: I have been advised to keep quiet until I know that without a doubt he has a nude picture of my wife on his phone. I need to see it again to be certain. I dont know how to do it though.

STUFF TO KNOW: I told my wife that my friend, our mutual friend has been staying in a hotel for a few weeks after he got kicked out, we both decided to let him stay here for a few weeks until he gets a new place. I didnt get a long enough look at the picture, to say weather or not its my wife with 100% certainty. There was no face in the picture. I do not want to go around throwing out accusations.

UPDATE: My wife will be home from work in an hour 45. My friend is currently working on something in the room he's staying in(not sure what). Im in my room, reading the comments. Im going to text my wife something mundane, and see if she responds. I am not going to bring anything up I just wana see if she'll say something back. Im thinking of a few excuses to see my friends phone, if you have a good one let me know.

UPDATE 2: I was given the idea to tell him I cant find my phone and ask him to call it. He was reluctant about letting me use his phone, this is where Im worried, if he has nothing to hide why wont he let me see the phone, I dont know maybe hes really protective. He said "just walk around the apartment and and Ill keep calling it until you find it." I didnt want him to think I was suspicious so I agreed. I told him I found it and ended it there. He's going to work soon so i need to get to his phone soon.

UPDATE 3: Friend has gone to work, Wife will be home in 15-20 mins. Still haven't been able to see the picture. Should I ask my wife anything when she gets home? She didnt respond to my mundane text I forgot to mention that.

UPDATE 4: For those that were wondering, from what I remember the picture was a woman presumedly laying down with her shirt open, she had large breasts, which my wife also does, thats all I remember because after I picked it up I got a sick feeling in my stomach and locked it then put it down. If I could see it again I could pinpoint for sure if its her or not. Now onto the update, she left her phone at work.... Im worried. This has got my head spinning in all sorts of ways, I prodded just a bit and asked why she left it, she said she just forgot. Guys, holy shit im nervous. My friend is at work I cant check his phone my wife's phone is at work. FUCK. I dont know what to do. Im going to stay as calm as possible and not give anything away. Is this a sign she's hiding something. I really dont want to assume the worst, I just need to calm down for a bit. Goddammit am I craving some Vicodin again. I use to be addicted to it and the urge is back but I know I cant do it. Just to be safe I called her phone and it did ring the full 30 seconds or so. Im trying to slyly deduce whats going on. Ill update when I have more.

UPDATE 5: My wife is going to the gym, she'll be back in an hour. I feel so bad, I feel like im going behind her back. I love this woman to death and dont know what I'd do with out her. I keep being told to confront my wife or to confront my friend, which should I do. I'm not going to accuse them at all that would be wrong, so I might just let this play out little by little.

UPDATE 6: Final update for tonight, so far my post has been removed several times and I promised I would tell you guys what was going on. My wife hasn't come home from the gym yet still no phone. I am angry and very stressed Im going to bed guys. I hope I haven't failed you people. Please dont hate me.

UPDATE 7: So last night I had a pretty mean headache, I'll get them when im really stressed, and I decided to call it a night. My wife got home soon after and walked into our room, when she turned the light on she saw me laying down, she apologized and turned the light back off, she asked me why I was laying down. I just told her I was stressed and she sat down on the bed next to me and asked me what was up. I just said 'you know work' and left it there she said ok then kissed me on the forehead and asked me if I needed anything I told her I was alright, and I fell asleep not too long after our conversation.

I woke up in the middle of the night, I was having trouble sleeping, and I walked into the living room, on the balcony was my friend having a smoke, and I started feeling really angry and wanted to go out there and confront him, but I knew i needed to stay calm I walked out onto the balcony and we made small talk for a bit while he finished his cigarette. It was silent for a bit and I asked him why he was kicked out of his GF's house. "Like I told you before dude. Im really not sure, she just did, You know, I didnt do anything." It felt like such a lie, I just really wasn't thinking about it the first time. Im sure he's hiding something, he said it with such a disregard for the question, kinda like when your parents would catch you doing something and they would ask you what was going on and you would say, "Uhhhh, nothing." We said our goodbyes Exactly like that. I didn't question him any further for fear he might think I was trying to get something out of him, we talked for a bit longer about nothing important. I told him I was still pretty tired so I wanted to go back to sleep, he said goodnight and I went back to bed, I couldn't sleep though I was tossing and turning troubled by the thought of something being up.

I got up a while later to go to the gym, from there I go to work, and I had an idea. I was going to sneak into his room and get his phone and look at it, the only problem being his door was locked. I went to the gym, but didn't do much because I felt so discouraged. I got to work, where I currently am now, and decided I would use the advice I was given and check the message history through our service provider, that was tough to do because I had trouble remembering our account info but I got it all sorted. When I looked at the message logs I felt like again Im betraying my wife. So I texted her. No answer. She must have not have gotten her phone yet.I waited a while until I felt my phone vibrate.

Her: "Sorry babe got my phone back, whats up?"

Me: "Just wanted to see how you were doing, sorry we didnt talk last night I was really stressed."

Her: "Its ok, kissing emoji"

Me: "I got a question though. Do you know why (enter name here) was kicked out of (enter name here) house?"

No response. That was a few hours ago to. So Im still waiting hoping that she'll answer because im having a bit of an anxiety attack. I gave in and checked the phone logs. There were a bunch of messages back and fourth between her and myself, her and her mother, her and a few of her friends, and lastly her and the the guy who is staying with us. Nothing incriminating (I need to fix this because I messed up what I was saying) i assume this was the message because it was sent to me at the same time as my friend. only her asking him if he wanted her to pick up something for dinner, which she also sent me. Sorry for anyone one who read it the first time and was confused, thank you for the redditors who pointed it out. So honestly guys nothing major yet. Ill update if she texts back and if I have more to tell. I have a few more ideas of stuff I can do but like I said im not going to accuse until I have absolute proof, I still do not think my wife is cheating I just wana know whats going on. I get off work in about an hour.

Final Update Jan 17, 2016 (4 days later)

FINAL UPDATE: Let me start off by apologizing for taking so long to finally write this post, when shit hits the fan it gets everywhere and takes a while to clean up, so thank you all for your patience.

Alright after my last update I headed home, I was finally going to man up and ask my friend about what I saw on his phone. When I walked in the front door, put my stuff down and headed towards his room. I walked past the bathroom and heard the shower so I figured he was in it so I'd wait for him, I went into his room and right fucking there on the bed next to his bag and jacket is his fucking phone! My stomach dropped again because I knew there was no going back I was going to pick up his phone and figure out what is going on once and for all. His phone had a passcode on it but that was really easy to guess, I tried the '1234' then the reverse and after about 4 or so guesses it turned out to be the year he was born, anyway I went to his photo reel and opened it. I scrolled through a few pics of different things and then I finally landed on it. FUCK. I recognized the shirt and the room it was taken in, she took it, that is a picture that she took, here in our apartment of her upper body. That was my wife, and my friend had the picture of her on his phone. I got really really angry, I couldnt hold it back and I walked over to the door of the bathroom and started banging on it like a mad man. Im yelling his name telling him to get out here. The water goes off and hes yelling out to me asking what I want and I kept saying over and over to open the damn door. He finally does and hes putting on his pants, "What the fuck do you want man, Im getting ready for work." Thats when I dropped the question. "Why the hell, do you have a naked picture of my fucking wife on your phone."

His eyes were huge and he just started stammering, so I asked him again but with more force. "why the fuck do you have a naked picture of my wife on your phone (insert name here.)" He was trying to speak but kept stuttering and put up his hands to try and calm me down. I wasn't going to hit him but man I really wanted to. He just kept saying "wait" over and over. He gained his composure and I swear to god he says "I know your mad," I cut him off yelling "no shit" at the top of my lungs. "Did my wife send you this?" I asked over and over, I was just so incredibly angry. He finally tells me ''no'' and explains what happened. This scumbag piece of shit stole the fucking picture. From my goddamn phone! I dont even know how, but apparently icloud does bullshit like this where it stores your photos even after being deleted. (which reminds how do I disable that and get rid of the pictures.) Anyway he went to my phone and sent it to himself then deleted the message. I cant believe I fucking missed it when I read the phone thing, I didn't even think my texts would be relevant so I ignored them. I asked him if he had anymore and he swore to god he didnt he only had the one, and wanst going to do anything with it. (well not anymore I deleted it) He started apologizing over and over and well I didnt give a fuck. I told him to leave. To get all of his stuff and leave, and that I didnt want to see him again. If he came back he would regret it. different stuff like that. I texted my wife I needed to talk to her ASAP but she again didnt respond. Which is because her phone was dead, not because she was hiding something.

My wife got home like 45 mins or so after the son of a bitch left and when she got in I calmly asked if I could talk to her, she said yes, and then asked if she could plug in her phone real quick since it died at work. She didnt take long and it gave me enough time to think of what I wanted to say clearly. She came in sat down and I started talking. Actually you know what fuck it his name is Hayden fuck that dude I dont care enough to keep his name safe. "Hayden had nude pictures of you on his phone." I wasnt going to accuse I just wanted to tell her and see how she would react. She had a very confused look on her face but the one where you say "WHAT." really sternly. I explained to her all that went down with Hayden and I. She was so angry almost as much as I was, she looked like she wanted to cry and that made me want to cry. She kept asking where he was and what happened, I told her I deleted the pic off his phone when I had it, and kicked him out, she was asking if he had any others, i told her what he told me she doesn't believe that to be truth though, also if there there were legal repercussions for what he did and I told her we would check it out. Secondly I wanted to be open and honest with her, I didnt wana hide anything. I explained what happened over the past day and a half about the first time seeing it and being worried because I recognized it but wasn't 100% it was her, and how I started getting really anxious worried that something went wrong in our marriage and that I drove her away and all these fears, she sat close to me and we held each other, I was in tears over this emotional rollercoaster, I was so stressed, worried, sad, and angry at the same time that it all started coming out. She held me really tight and told me I was a good husband and reassured me that I was good after a bunch of bad shit that went down in our past. She could tell I was so worried and hurt, and she just was there for me. We both just needed to cry I guess, its cathartic and really helped. I dont know what I would do with out that woman, I love her to death. I was really tired and after our breakdowns we didnt feel much like doing anything so we laid down most of the day talking about what we were guna do to fix our situation.

I went over to Haydens ex's house and asked her why she kicked him out and explained the situation with him having a pic of my wife on his phone. Turns out the mother fucker cheated on her. I was disgusted, I never expected him to do that, but after what went on it didn't hit me as hard as I thought it would. She was pretty disgusted with Haydens behavior and told me a lot of stuff I never knew about him, it was really uncomfortable to hear but she needed to vent. I went to a law office close to us and asked around about the legal repercussions of stealing someones photos. They gave me a number of different options that im going to bring up to my wife, the biggest one that I see working is a law suit.

When I got home my wife showed me a bunch of texts she received from Hayden,(he sent me a few that I ignored) he was more than likely drunk because the texts were so hard to understand, he kept apologizing and would send one every 10 minutes and it was getting annoying. So she turned off her phone the rest of the day was quiet until he came to our door and started begging us to forgive him, I felt really bad, this dude was sorry, drunk, probably didnt go to work, and tired. I told him he needed to leave us alone and we would get in touch with him later, he was ok with that. Im not sure where he went but im assuming it was a hotel or possibly another friends house. Before you ask he didnt drive to our apartment he took and uber thing.

He started pestering us more and this time was getting a bit violent, with threats and different things, this guy was acting like such a fucking scumbag, I tried to be nice but now hes trying to play innocent while threatening us with some of his "I didnt do anything wrong, dont tell anyone or ill fuck you up." FUCK HAYDEN Seriously, He was really pissing me off, wouldn't stop calling us. My wife was worried that he would come over and try and make good on his threats so I stayed with her the entire day mildly worried myself. We both decided we are going to press charges now because of how immature he is being and even threatening us, I thought we could handle this like adults but, now he's bringing it on himself. I want this all to be over. Im tired and want things done, but it'll come in time.

Thank you guys for being there for me on this crazy journey. It really means a lot that strangers on the internet want to help me with my problems. I needed a place to vent and validate my suspicions and just feel like people had my back if it all went down hill. Thank you so much you people mean a whole lot. Aside for the occasional death threats and just weird stuff, I appreciate the messages you would send me so I felt like I wasn't alone. Thank you reddit.

-/u/limberlovemuscle

Also one final thing. Fuck Hayden

FINAL COMMENTS

gfuller23 - Jan 28, 2016 (11 days later)

>How's the progress going on pressing charges? Is he still around and making threats?

OOP

>>He stopped and we have a lawyer working on our case

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

i can’t talk about this with anyone else in my life, not even my best friends or therapist but as the title says i had an incestuous relationship with my brother.

me and my brother (21) have always been raised as twins in a way despite our 5-6 year age gap, we were made to do everything together, match each other and sleep or shower with each other. my memories go back to when our dad died when i was five and he was around ten or eleven. at first it was “innocent” kisses, my mom fell into a depression so she was never around for some time. the kisses turned into touches, and when i was six my brother began to sexually abuse me. he would always excuse it by saying he was just curious so at that time i guess i just never thought of it as wrong. two years after this our “relationship” escalated to something like a genuine couple. for some reason i never pushed back against what was happening, my memories from this time aren’t the clearest however i distinctly remember liking what was going on and being comfortable with our arrangements. i know how disgusting this sounds but it was the only positivity i found in my life. things only developed more when i was ten, i started to experience puberty and my brother began to refer to me as his wife around various people, it was usually brushed off or attributed to our bond. when i got my first period he was over the moon about it because he wanted me to “have our baby”. i don’t remember when my mom started to be more present in my life but things came to a stop when she nearly caught me and my brother engaging in sexual acts. after this me and my brothers relationship was horrible, i didn’t know what i had done but i just missed him and i felt disgusted and deprived of the only love i could rely on. he was seventeen at this time and i was eleven. my brother became a normal teenager and now a normal person, our bond is regular not close not distant and he seemingly forgot absolutely everything that happened, but i never could. i think about everything that happened everyday and i try to make some sense of it but usually that just leaves me in a state of sadness or hatred. i don’t know how i should feel about everything and while it would be nice to open up im terrified of what people would say. i guess i know i cant just act like it was something he did, when the truth is for a long time i considered myself his partner as well.

this is kind of a lot and weird, but i needed to say something somewhere that wont get back to me

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. Just turned 30, he’s 35.

I’ve always had a higher libido than him, kind of sucked but I worked with it, until I found out his “stomach problems” and hour-long bathroom sessions were really just him gooning to freshly-turned-18 year old girls. Knowing he’s probably brushed me off hundreds of times because he prefers to watch teens on a screen was such a sickening thing to find out.

Plus the older I get the younger they look. At this point 18 year olds kind of look like kids to me (not like actual children, but not fully adults yet either, you know?) so now I can’t help but feel like he’s a creep, too.

Like there have distinctly been times I thought he was checking a girl out, but then thought to myself “no way, she’s too young looking.” I used to want him so bad, now all I see when I look at him is a weirdo loser that’d break his neck driving by a high school girl’s soccer game. Genuinely cannot think of anything more unattractive than the picture in my head of him wanking it on a toilet to girls as young as legally possible.

Weird that he’s more interested in me now that I want nothing to do with him.

Anyway, I signed another lease and will be moving out soon. Haven’t told anyone about this IRL.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MolassesLazy4093

I’m (25M) leaving my partner (33M) of seven years tomorrow.

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: >!domestic abuse, infidelity, grooming, verbal abuse, controlling / isolating behavior!<

---

Original Post: May 1, 2026

Hi, I’ve only posted to Reddit a few times and I figured this subreddit would be good for advice.

I’m leaving my partner of seven years and while I’m relieved to finally cut ties with him, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for how I’m doing it.

My partner (I’ll call him Dave) and I have been together for around seven years now. We met when I had just turned 18 and he was 27. When we first got together everything moved excruciatingly fast. We’d met in January, started dating in February, and moved in together in April. We’d had an extremely rocky relationship, I wasn’t mature and couldn’t handle adult life very well. He wanted freedom and independence but felt obligated to take care of me since he moved me an hour from my parents and convinced me to cut them off. There was a lot of him cheating, us arguing all the time, and me struggling to navigate a new city, new relationship, and completely different job market.

Over the years as I’ve grown mentally and developed more into my own person, the arguments grew less frequent. Until i started making more money, had my own car, and gained friendships and bonds. He started to get more controlling, more comfortable flipping from overly sweet to hostile, more aware of who I was with, where I was going, and my location.

An incident happened where he went too far and I realized I needed out. I’ve been scared of him ever since. I have an apartment in a new city, friends to help me move, new job lined up, and everything covered. What’s got me stuck is, I feel guilty? I pick up my keys Saturday and have a place to stay after I break the news tomorrow. But, he’s being so kind and so sentimental and part of me feels bad and like I’m taking the cowards way out.

This has been my first actual relationship ever and my first time dealing with breaking up. So, I’m not sure how to break the news. Everyone says he doesn’t deserve the closure and I should just not say anything, but spending this much time with a person I feel like they do. But I’m unsure of if that’s the years of feeling like I have to justify every action to him talking or not. My head is a little all over the place.

(TL;DR I’m leaving my partner of seven years and because of an incident that happened between us I didn’t feel safe telling him I was leaving until I was sure I could. Tomorrow is the day I finally tell him and I’m not sure if I’m doing it the right way.)

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: He groomed you, and isolated you from your parents when you were a teenager. Run, and don’t look back. You owe him nothing.

> OOP: I didn’t even think about that in the grand scheme of things. We’d met online and he swears he didn’t know my age before talking to me, but it was oddly suspicious he didn’t start texting me till after my 18th birthday. Oh I’m feeling weird all over again now that I’m thinking more.

Commenter 2: Was he violent when he went too far?

If yes, you telling him you are about to leave my be a life or death situation.

You are still younger than the age he was when he first dated you.

Would you date a 18 year old now at 25 yrs old?

In 7 years you've gained life experience that a teenager would not have. You have a career, money and knowledge.

Your boyfriend is a predator. He chose you because he wanted to mold you and isolate you.

Him being nice ‘now’ is because he can tell he's losing his grip on you.

Your almost about to escape, do not sabotage it by treating him with ‘respect and decency’. That's reserved for people who are safe and stable.

Move out when he's gone. If you really want to break up him in person - do it in a public area in the day, like a park or a cafe.

Do not bring a bag with you, in case he plants a tracker.

> OOP: Yes he was, I don’t think I can mention exactly what happened on this sub but he claims he suffered a “mental health break” that almost critically harmed us both over an argument about him trying to cheat on me again. > > I would never touch anyone three years younger than me, much less 18. So that’s puts a lot in perspective. I think at most I’ll just send him a text message if I’m really feeling bad but definitely getting everything out while he’s at work.

Commenter 3: You’re not taking the coward’s way out, you’re finally taking the safe way out, and his sudden kindness is exactly what keeps people stuck in cycles like this, so don’t over-explain, say it clearly, leave, and don’t look back.

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Update: May 4, 2026 (3 days later)

UPDATE: I’m (25M) leaving my partner (33M) of seven years tomorrow.

Hi everyone, here’s the original post for context. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/xWCOsR95tJ

I wanted to come back and thank each and every one of you and let you know I’m safe and sound. I just finished getting the last of everything I could from my old house today. I wish I could say it went smoothly, but it did not. My ex had a feeling something was up and decided to take a sick day from work so I couldn’t leave as smooth as I planned. I woke up to him staring at me from my doorway and had a really uneasy feeling so I just grabbed myself and my animals and left. I sent a text asking him to vacate the property so I could get my stuff, broke it off, and blocked him on everything I could think of.

I had to get an escort to the property and I made sure I had a group of people with me and it seemed to freak him out enough to leave and give me some very limited time to pack my things. I’m not concerned with him tracking me as he doesn’t own a car and I’ll be a few hours away. But I went over everything just in case. I have an unfortunately long car ride ahead of me but I wanted to left everyone who helped and remembered my post know I’m safe, my pets are safe, and I got everything out. I really appreciate each person who gave me the strength and courage to end things on my terms and not give him the chance or opportunity to manipulate me by taking the civil route.

You’re all very good and kind people. I wish I had a longer update but it’s been a long day already and the worst is over. All that’s left to do now is go be happy.

(TL;DR I was able to break things off with my ex partner of seven years and got out safely. All pets and belongings that are important accounted for)

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Happy you got out safe friend. Proud of you! Good luck on this next chapter of your life. ❤️

Commenter 2: I did the same thing at nearly the same ages.

One thing when you feel guilty and lonely that you will find so much solace in is your new place. Since you went from your parents to him you don't know yet the feeling of when you come home and you're not walking on eggshells. When you see your stuff in the new place, but it doesn't feel like home yet and you just kind of giggle about it. It is the weirdest most freeing feeling. When you come home and your apartment isn't great, but it's your space and everything is as you left it and peaceful. It's fucking life changing. I promise it seems small, but it's amazing. There will be others here that will confirm. There is nothing quite like it, the peace.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP