u/Choice_Evidence1983

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/bluebeauty69

Originally posted to r/AmITheJerk

AITA for ending things and ghosting after finding out she lied about her husband being dead?

Thanks to u/SnorkinOrkin for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity, falsifying statements!<

Original Post: May 4, 2026

I (32M) am married with two kids, and my wife and I have an open relationship. With her full knowledge and agreement, I started seeing another woman who also said she had two kids around the same age as mine.

She told me her husband had passed away, and she even showed me a picture of him. Over time things got pretty serious we blended parts of our lives in a way that honestly felt really natural. The only thing that ever seemed off was that we never went to her house, only mine or out in public. Looking back, yeah… obvious red flag.

A few days ago I randomly saw her out shopping and she was with the same man she told me was dead.

I didn’t approach her, didn’t cause a scene, nothing. I just left and haven’t spoken to her since. I’ve basically cut her off completely.

My wife thinks I should tell the husband what’s going on, but I really don’t want to get dragged into her life or whatever mess she’s created. I feel like I’ve already been lied to enough and just want to move on.

Am I overreacting for ending things and ghosting her instead of confronting her or telling her husband?

Editor's note: OOP also made the same post onto another subreddit. I am adding comments from that subreddit for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA for ghosting in this situation. I can understand being a bit lost for words in the moment, if you do see them together out and about again please go in for the cuddle to say hi, then introduce yourself to the husband and when he replies "I'm her husband" you say "I heard you were dead" then walk away

> OOP: This right here is exactly what I told my wife I planned to do. And she said no he needs to know sooner. (Which I agree with), but I figure if I see them again then that’s the time to speak up.

Commenter 2: NTA. She deceived you as well as her husband. You owe her nothing. Ghosting her is exactly what she deserves. But her husband does need to know.

> OOP: This is what my wife says as well. But I have no way to contact her husband without contacting her is the ultimate problem.

Commenter 3: If you have a wife and you only meet other people for sex, then why does it even matter ? Or do you only have sex with single people (even though you’re married yourself), but not with married people?

> OOP: It’s not just sex it’s also about adding to our relationship. Friends with benefits in a way. It doesn’t have to be single people. We just want honesty with the other people. Which is the problem in this situation where she lied about her husband being dead.

Commenter 4: NTA. She's clearly and deliberately misrepresented herself. Trust is imperative in any relationship, even more so in open relationships - but she's destroyed that trust by lying. You are not obligated to inform the husband. If you're not comfortable with that, that's okay. Not your circus, not your monkies.

I'm curious to know though, when you saw her and her husband, did she see you?

> OOP: She did and her face was that of someone who saw a ghost as was mine. Then I promptly turned around and left.

Commenter 5: NTJ but…. I have a genuine question and I’m trying to understand something. Why are you and your wife married? Why didn’t you just keep dating if you didn’t want to commit to the vows you spoke? I truly can’t comprehend a marriage that isn’t wanted but is still legal. What is the benefit of a marriage? I don’t care if people downvote me because I’m curious and confused. I’m trying to educate myself.

> OOP: For us its isn’t only about the physical relationship with the other people. It’s about the emotional connection we form and being able to have the company of others. We consider it platonic polyamory.

Commenter 6: You have to tell the husband though. You are morally obligated to since you know he’s alive and married to her. You can’t just ignore this. Even if it’s just an anonymous email from a burner account. Or a letter with no return address. Even if it’s a friend of his you contact on Facebook with a new account. You have to find some way to tell him. You are in an open relationship he may not be.

> OOP: Yes I know he should know as if I were in his position I would want to know. Part of me though also knows this could possibly become a crazy situation and I don’t know if I want to bring that into my family's life. And I am thinking I’m better off cutting ties.

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Update: May 7, 2026 (three days later)

Update on confronting the "dead husband"

Well I didn’t think at all it would be this soon. A lot of people told me I should tell the husband, and honestly I didn’t think I would. I wanted to just disappear from the situation and move on. But life handled it for me this morning.

I saw him alone at a coffee shop before work. I walked up to him and said, “Hey… how’d you do it?”

He looked confused and said, “Do what?”

I said, “Come back from the dead.”

At that point he just stared at me, completely lost, so I sat down and explained everything. I told him what she had told me, that she said he passed away, showed me his picture, and that we had been seeing each other for months.

Turns out this wasn’t even close to the first time she cheated. He told me there had been affairs in the past, and apparently one of the kids might not even biologically be his because of it. He said she promised she was done with all that, but I guess this time she escalated into literally pretending he died.

The guy was obviously upset, but weirdly enough he wasn’t angry at me. He actually apologized to me for what she did, which made me feel awful because he’s clearly been dealing with this for years. I told him he didn’t owe me an apology at all.

We exchanged contact info because I saved all the messages where she talked about him being “dead,” and he said he may need them later if he goes through with filing for divorce.

Honestly the whole thing just feels insane and sad now.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/After_Mail4652

Originally posted to r/Advice

I left my marriage for 8 months, had the time of my life and then went back. Biggest mistake ever.

Trigger Warnings: >!misogyny, weaponized incompetence, emotional manipulation, neglect!<

Original post: April 30, 2026

I'm 30F, husband is 34M. we dated for 3 years before getting married. his parents live with us from the beginning.

Last year I hit a wall. The entire household runs on me. cooking, cleaning, managing everything for everyone including two fully grown adults who are perfectly capable of doing things themselves. It was exhausting with a MIL who's dominating and controlling.

I just left one day. Packed my stuff and walked out. Yes, there was a dramatic fight. I was just done.

And those 8 months were honestly the best months of my entire adult life. I slept properly for the first time in years. I travelled, small trips but they were completely mine. I cooked for myself, watched every show I had been putting off, met new people who just knew me as me. no in laws, no household to manage, no one needing things from me constantly. I was myself again. lighter, happier, more relaxed. I remember thinking wow I actually really like this person. When did I stop being her.

and then he came back.

calls every day, long messages, showing up, saying everything I had spent years wanting to hear. I miss you, I've changed, it'll be so different this time, please just come back. And I went back. because I'm human and because years of love doesn't just switch off even when part of you wishes it would.

Within weeks it was like those 8 months never happened. same house, same in laws, same cooking and cleaning and managing everything for everyone while nobody notices or says thank you. Same husband who says nothing when his mom oversteps. I'm not a wife here. I'm just the unpaid help.

the worst part is I think I already knew. I knew deep down that nothing had actually changed. I went back anyway because I wanted so badly to believe it would be different this time.

I'm 30, no kids, one year into this marriage. I know what the obvious answer probably is. but I want to hear from people who have actually been through something like this. Did anyone go back and have it actually work out. And if you left for good how did you finally find the courage to do it when everyone around you acts like you should just be grateful you have a marriage to come back to.

Be honest with me please. I can handle it. Sould I stick around here or move out again? (my husband refuses to move out with me. He says he wants to live with his parents always)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You and your husband are not compatible. I can see why he wants you there, he's getting a sweet deal. I can't see how you are benefiting from his desired living situation at all. Cut your losses and move on permanently this time. Before you have kids. Let him take care of himself and his parents. Sadly, love is not enough.

> OOP: May be I realised this too late that "love is not enough". because I went back for love. I stayed for love. I swallowed so many things for love.. And love hasn't changed a single thing about my daily reality. I still wake up every morning to a household that runs on me and a husband who thinks that's just how it should be. > > maybe we just want completely different things from a marriage and no amount of talking or trying or going back and forth is going to change that. He wants a traditional household and I want a partner. those two things just don't live in the same house.

Commenter 2: People are rarely able to fundamentally change. And if it's the exact same thing even after you went away and then came back, there's no hope for this too change in the future. You'd be better off making a clean break and walk away from this.

> OOP: I didn't come back to a different marriage. I came back to the same one with 8 months of distance between me and the reality of it.. and that distance made it feel new for about five minutes. And then it was just exactly what it always was. Same house, Same dynamic, same invisible feeling. Nothing changed because nothing was ever going to change

Commenter 3: You already know the answer….move on and be happy, he’s not willing to change for you.

> OOP: I know. I really do know. I just needed to say it all out loud somewhere before I could fully accept it. it's just really different knowing something in your head versus actually being ready to do something about it. My head has known for months. My heart is still catching up. It took me a lot of courage to leave the last time and of course I was shattered because of what happened.. but at least I was able to breathe then.. I feel like caged now. :(.

Commenter 4: And you lived just fine financially on your own?? Fantastic! Live your best life!

> OOP: I am financially independent :) just so y'all know there had been pressure on me from my in laws (specially my MIL) to quit working and focus on taking care of home & planning a baby. I was adamant on not quitting and this was also one of the major reasons of fights at home before I left. I was able to survive those months only because I had my job.

Commenter 5: If you have a baby, you will FOREVER be locked into the family, and that baby will then be raised to believe that YOUR LIFE is the NORM and if it is a girl that is HER FUTURE.

Would you want that for her? Would you want your child to have its mother be a SHELL? YOU KNOW YOUR ANSWER. Your husband has given you your answer. It’s sad and frustrating. I have left before. With a child. And had to start with nothing, and made a life.

Being able to sleep and being able to laugh and not feeling the weight of everything but our lives means a lot. YOU GOT THIS! As you have said you already know your answer. Go for it. You have nothing to lose....EXCEPT YOURSELF. CHOOSE YOURSELF.

Just sayin' (I love love love my child, but if you have one with said husband you will forever be tied to this family and it will be much harder for you to move on, and if there are no changes now, I doubt there will be any after a baby cause you will be too tired to fight/leave after) .

> OOP: I'm already exhausted now with just the two of us and his parents. add a baby and I wouldn't have the energy to think straight let alone plan a way out. I think that's honestly what everyone in that house is counting on. That eventually I'll be too tired to want anything for myself anymore. I refuse to let that happen. > > Child? NO! Quitting my job? NO! that's the clearest no I've felt about anything in a really long time. > > I have always heard that women are so strong. Now I see/feel why they say so. Women are. > > "Empowered women empower women." Truly seeing this here. Thank you to each and every strong women reading this here. I need that strength from each one of you. > > To the amazing men here supporting me: thank you for breaking the pattern and making me believe that "not all men are the same" :')

Commenter 6: Is your birth control tamper proof? This is the point he makes you stick around by getting you pregnant.

> OOP: Yes. I am safe! I have never wanted a child in this marriage. Not just because I don't feel ready or because the marriage is unhappy. But because somewhere deep down I think I always knew that a baby here would mean no way out. ever. I'd be tied to this house, this family, this dynamic forever. And I think my gut has been protecting me from that (and not quitting my job despite tremendous pressure) even when my heart was busy going back and giving second chances.

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Update: May 1, 2026 (next day)

Want to start with: thank you with my whole heart to everyone supported me yesterday. Thousands of kind strangers telling me I deserved better, to choose myself, to get out before it was too late. I read every single comment and cried through most of them. This was a life changing post for me.

Update: I showed my husband the post and all your comments. He read everything. We talked all night. Now I don't know what to think. Need advice again.

I handed him my phone, and I watched his face as he read. The post, the comments, all of it. He was quiet for a really long time.

And then he looked at me and said I had no idea it had gotten this bad. We talked all night. Properly talked. The kind of talking we hadn't done in years.

He apologised for never checking on me during those 8 months. Said he was too angry and too hurt, and he let that stop him from asking if I was okay. He said he should have spoken up for me more against his family. That he watched things happen and stayed quiet when he should have said something. He admitted that.

and then he made some promises.

On the baby front he said he finally understands why I've been so resistant. He said take as much time as you need, let's revisit it in two years when things feel more stable, and if anyone in the family pressures me before then he'll handle it. No more pressure, no more comments, no more pointed questions at family gatherings. He said when and if we have a baby it'll be when I'm genuinely ready. Not a day before.

on the work front he said nobody will ever make me quit my job and if anyone tries he'll shut it down. But then in the same breath he said that when it comes to choosing between work and family I'll need to choose his family. (his example was if his mom isn't feeling well I'd need to stay home and take care of her. Not go to work. family first in those situations.)

And on the living situation he was honest. More honest than I expected. He said he will never move out from his parents. They are everything to him and that is never going to change. But he said he'll make the environment at home better. easier. less suffocating. He acknowledged that the cooking and the household falls on me and said he'd try to make it more manageable. But also said his mom is aging and the men in his family don't cook so the cooking will still be mine to handle.

And now I don't know what to feel.

part of me is really moved that he read everything, that he sat with it, that he apologised and didn't get defensive. I know that's not nothing. But another part of me is sitting here quietly going through each promise and feeling something complicated.

The baby thing feels genuine. but two years is still a timeline someone else is setting for my body.

The work thing sounds supportive until you get to the part where his mom's health will always outrank my job. What happens when that becomes a regular thing. what happens when every other week there's a reason I need to stay home.

and the living situation. he said it so simply. My parents are everything to me and I will never leave them. and I believe him. I really do. But what does that mean for me. what does it mean for us. cooking before work and after work every single day for a household that will never shrink.

He said he'll make it a better environment. but what does that actually look like. better how. easier how. the same house, the same people, just with a slightly softer atmosphere?

I just want y'all to help me see this clearly. Thanks a million times again.

Edit: I know he's going to involve his mom in this today and tell her what I'm up to. But I know what I've to do now. I do not want this life. I left last time abruptly, in anger, hurt, and to come back. This time a stronger woman will be sitting in front of them, talking calmly, and making very clear that SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS FAMILY ANYMORE and wants MOVE ON. I'm so grateful that I had this conversation with him yesterday. Never felt so firm before this.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Girl get out, said with love It's all promises and manipulation, but you see through that.

You were strong enough to leave once, choose yourself and life can be as incredible as you let it

> OOP: Now I’m feeling glad I had that conversation with him. As hard as it was, it actually made things a lot clearer for me. > > When I got married, I really did believe it would be for life. I think most of us go into it hoping we’ll make it work no matter what. And I didn’t want to walk away wondering if I gave up too soon or didn’t try enough. > > But hearing him say everything so clearly.. what he can change and what he won’t. It kind of removed the confusion for me. In a strange way, it’s helped me feel more firm about the decision I’m leaning towards.

Commenter 2: He is literally telling you nothing will change and you are not his first priority

Just because he read it doesn't mean anything

> OOP: It took away a lot of confusion for me and happy y'all think so too. He didn’t sugarcoat things and in a way, that’s helped me see the situation more realistically instead of emotionally.

Commenter 3: So all he has done is apologise and give some pretty words about how NOTHING WILL CHANGE FUNDAMENTALLY, but he will SPEAK to his parents if OP raises it.

What a worthless man to anybody not his parents.

I would absolutely the fuck not be procreating with that piece of shit. He can go hire a bang maid and at least she will know the terms of the agreement.

> OOP: the conversation didn’t give me hope.. it gave me clarity!! > > Hearing him be so direct about things actually helped me let go of a lot of doubts I was holding onto. That has made me feel stronger about what I need to do next. There are not "what ifs" now.

Commenter 4: Sweetie, he wants a cook/maid/nurse for his parents and that’s a nonnegotiable for him. He’s not even considering hiring a cleaning or maid service even when you are struggling. Some women are satisfied with that. If that’s not what you want, it’s time to leave. None of that will change and it will get worse as his parents age and childcare rears its ugly head. It’s going to be more and more work.

> OOP: Regarding the maid service, I did try to talk to my MIL about this in the initial few months of marriage. She said we do not need it. We're only 4 people at home and we all can manage it. Maid service will be expensive for us. I told that to my husband and he said, "whatever mom says goes". I was literally out of words that day. This was the first red flag I saw after marriage.

Who handled the chores while OP was gone?

> OOP: It was my MIL who did manage house . Once I came back, she stopped. Not immediately but slowly she started holding herself back from chores citing her health issues. She rests all day now.

Commenter 5: He refuses to compromise or step up. What do you mean "men in my family don't cook"? That's ridiculous. Learn to cook. You're a grown ass adult who's capable of learning new things. Start cooking and cleaning. Also, why would you leave YOUR job to take care of HIS mom? He should leave his job to take care of his mom. She's HIS mom. Christ on a stick.

You were happier single. Go be single. This dude sucks. Well he might be a lovely person, but he's refusing to make minimal changes to benefit you despite the threat of losing you. So just leave.

> OOP: he has two working legs and two working hands and a perfectly functional kitchen that he has apparently never been required to use in his entire life. these are fully functioning human beings who managed to exist on this planet before I showed up. Somehow the moment I entered this house all of that capability just evaporated. because why develop basic life skills when there's a woman who'll just do it. I’m not a wife. I’m a convenience. > > I can't imagine how pathetic this whole mindset has started to feel. it's suffocating. Living here with each day has started to feel struggle now.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Sea-Lifeguard-4311

Originally posted to r/AmITheJerk

Am I the jerk to insist on calling my aunt "mother" and to say that it doesn't depend on my mother's permission?

Trigger Warnings: >!child neglect, medical issues!<

Original Post: May 4, 2026

My older sister was very ill since our childhood. She was born with a congenital heart condition and although she managed with medication in her early years, she was placed on the transplant list when she was 8 years old. I was four at the time, but I still remember a little of how difficult that process was for our family. My mother and father were naturally mostly by my sister's side, and I have no resentment or bitterness towards them for that. It had to be that way.

But while they were busy with my sister, my aunt looked after us (me and older brother) and we even lived with her from time to time. And she was a wonderful aunt; she did everything she could to make up for the absence of our mother. She put so much effort into raising us and she's a really good, very motherly woman. Honestly, she became a second mother to me, and I still call her "Mom" sometimes. After about 10 years old, I reduced this and learned to mostly call her "Aunt," saving the word "Mom" for special occasions or when we were alone together, when I felt one of us needed it. Because I knew it was considered strange for a child to call two people "Mom" and my mother didn't like it at all. But as I said, I didn't stop completely. I couldn't.

I can't say I consciously hide the fact that I sometimes still call her "Mom”, but I guess my mother didn't know or she must have thought I'd already stopped, because my aunt had surgery on Friday, and when she woke up from anesthesia, I unconsciously called her "Mom," which surprised her greatly. She said she couldn't believe I still did it and that it was very unhealthy. Besides it being very unhealthy for me and requiring therapy, she said it was also hurting my aunt because she has a deceased child, and I was reminding her of her loss. (But I asked her about this before, and she said that wasn't the case at all, that she was very happy, and I believe her. Her eyes light up every time I call her "Mom.").

She explained that I could get therapy for it if I wanted but she wouldn't allow me to call my aunt "Mom" again and frankly, I got a little angry at that. I told her that she couldn't allow it anyway because it wasn't something that depended on her permission. I said I would address my aunt however I wanted. I mentioned it. As you can imagine, she's very surprised and angry. But so am I. What nonsense is this? My aunt looked after us for years. She deserves this title, I know she wants it, and I feel comfortable giving it to her, so what's the problem?

My brother is on my side, but my sister is very attached to my mother and tells me I'm being unfair to her. Whereas I think the real injustice is my mother interfering in my relationship with my aunt and taking away a term of endearment that makes us both feel comfortable. Am I wrong or jerk?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. love isn’t a limited title.. your aunt earned “Mom” the hard way.

Commenter 2: You mom is jealous and will break the family if she continues.

It's not surprising the one child your mother actually mothered takes her side.

Commenter 3: if ur aunt is happy and you’re comfortable, that’s kinda the end of it and nobody else gets veto power

Commenter 4: It’s funny her mother wants OP to go to therapy, when it’s OP’s mother who should be going to therapy. OP didn’t call her aunt ‘mom’ to hurt her mom or out of anger. Her mom doesn’t get to gatekeep the term of endearment, NTJ

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Update: May 6, 2026 (two days later)

Update: Am I the jerk because I insisted on calling my aunt "Mom" and stated that she couldn't interfere with that?

Yes, I read the comments, gave myself some time to calm down and think and here I am.

First of all, thank you everyone. These comments reminded me that I am completely free to address my aunt however I want and that I haven't done anything wrong, and they also helped me understand my mother better. I hadn't really thought about why my mother reacted that way – because it seemed selfish and inappropriate to me that she reacted like that while my aunt had just had surgery, I guess that's why I didn't question it much. I realized this after reading the comments. And thinking about it, yes, it seems quite clear that it probably stems from guilt.

I sat my mother down and we talked. I openly asked her why it bothered her so much that I called my aunt "mother" and it quickly became clear that she saw it as an insult. I told her that this was completely unrelated to my relationship with her; it stemmed from the nature of my relationship with my aunt, not the nature of my relationship with her. She admitted that she couldn't understand this and yes, she still feels a lot of guilt about it, which surprised me because I don't feel any resentment or anger towards my mother or father now, really, truly. It was a very difficult time, and everyone did their best; that's really how it had to be at the time. My parents couldn't do anything either. But I think I understand why my mother feels that way because, of course, there were times when I didn't see it or was angry at them as a child, I can't lie.

But I let go of that a long time ago. My sister had to have a second heart transplant when I was 16 and I can honestly say that's exactly why all my resentment melted away. I was old enough then to see and understand everything; I clearly saw how much care and effort my sister's condition required, how impossible it was to keep up with everything. And witnessing and feeling firsthand how difficult and hopeless everything was all my resentment melted away. It was a terrible situation; for everyone and there was nothing anyone could do. Since then, I haven't felt those old remnants of resentment towards my parents that I sometimes felt during my childhood and adolescence. Since then, I've responded more to my parents' efforts—I can't say I always responded to their attempts at closeness or reconciliation before this event. I wasn't rude, I wasn't overly distant, but I know I always made them feel a distance they couldn't overcome with me—and our relationship quickly evolved for the better. So I thought my mother had overcome it too, like me but I guess I was wrong. Honestly, years have passed. Maybe it's normal for her to feel that way because I haven't quite reached that point yet until a few years ago, maybe I should have considered it. But I really don't feel that way anymore. I told my mother all of this, and I think she was so relieved, she almost cried and she kept thanking me.

However, she said that even though our relationship has improved so much in recent years, she still feels incomplete because I was closer to my aunt for a large part of my life (I can't deny that I kept my distance until I was 16). She said she wanted to spend more time with her, etc. I promised that we would try harder to make up for it, and we also talked about the idea of her going to therapy, not for me. Well, I have to admit that the irony made me laugh!

And yes, I will, of course, continue to call my aunt "Mom. “I told my mother that my aunt deserved it, that that's how I feel and that I'll continue to call her that. It's her responsibility to deal with it and she'll work on it.

Thank you everyone!

Editor's note: OOP didn't leave any comments here in the update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: It’s really nice when there's an update where everyone has handled the situation with communication like mature adults.

Commenter 2: Very good outcome. I’m glad you suggested therapy for her. She is the one carrying baggage and she needs to get through it. Smooth sailing OP.

Commenter 3: What a great conversation to have with your Mom. You won't make up for lost time, but you can certainly build on your relationship now. Maturity goes a long way!

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MajesticToe8844

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for defending my wife against her grieving family?

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: >!death of a parent, emotional abuse and manipulation, verbal abuse!<

Original Post: May 3, 2026

We lost my father in law (FIL) last May.

My wife is doing 4 running events over the next 2 weeks to raise money for the hospice that cared for my FIL, so she has been putting her just giving link on her Facebook account to raise the money. This morning is her first event, a half marathon that she has been training for the last 4 months.

There are 2 things that have upset my MIL and SIL:

1. Last February my sister in law (SIL) text my wife and caused an argument because of my wife sharing her fund raising on FB saying it was upsetting mother in law (MIL). My SIL has a habit of inserting herself in to everything if it gives her a chance to put down my wife. Anyway, MIL was with us while SIL was texting and said 'I don’t know why she is saying this, I’m okay with that'... well turns out she’s not okay with it as yesterday she got very upset seeing my wife post about the fund raising

2. MIL is not happy with the amount my wife contacts her and checks she is okay. For context, they have conversations almost every day (5/7 days this week) and we've taken her on some family holidays since FILs passing. But in MIL's eyes, every day contact is needed.

On Friday my wife told MIL that yesterday she will be focusing on herself in order to prepare for her run this morning. My MIL was supposed to be coming to the finish line with us today and then out for a meal afterwards.

We received a message in the group chat from MIL at 9.15pm last night saying she won't be coming, she's had a bad day and the only person she has spoken to is my SIL 3 times. Here is how the rest of the convo went:

Wife: Okay, sorry to hear that. I understand if you don’t want to come. I’ll tell you about it after

MIL: Sorry that you’ve not made the effort to message or call me today, Dad would be so proud of your fundraising

Me: This is not on, stop. You could've called her... she is getting herself prepared for tomorrow. And to message now just before bed is not on, now my wife is in tears and won't sleep tonight making it harder for tomorrow.

MIL: We are both in tears then

Me: All because for some reason you couldn't call her today and expect her to do it even though she told you yesterday she was spending today getting ready for tomorrow

This conversation went on a bit longer include how FIL asked for their daughters to look after her and wife is failing that, he would be disappointed and that the Samaritans care more about her feelings.

MIL screenshotted these messages and sent them to SIL who then messaged me vile things saying I should be embarrassed for this and have some fucking sympathy. I’m fuming and my wife has been in tears since.

My wife is in therapy at the moment to get help her with her dad's passing and to also support her as she often has feeling so not being good enough, this being an example of how she is treated by MIL and SIL who often gang up on her.

I don’t know if IATAH because obviously they are grieving and I have escalated the situation further, but I couldn't sit back and watch after all the effort my wife has put in.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Everyone grieves differently. Some tactics are healthy, others are not.

> OOP: Unfortunately my wife's tactic is avoidance. She needs to keep herself busy to avoid thinking about her dad, which is why she is doing the running and multiple other things to take up her time. MIL sees this as wife being too busy for her. One of the things my wife is dealing with in therapy is to overcome this avoidance strategy.

Commenter 2: Sorry what??? I am not a positive example but calling mother 5 of 7 days is already toooooo much. It's too enmeshed and your mil is codependent. Read a book "The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life" by Dr. Patricia Love. Your in laws did their daughters wrong. It's not too late to talk about parenting mistakes.

> OOP: It’s still very raw for them about FILs passing, MIL now lives alone and doesn't have many people to talk to, so I understand her need for contact, but every day is too overbearing in my opinion

Commenter 3: NTAH and from now on remember that "ask your fav daughter" is a legitimate reply

> OOP: My SIL does contact MIL every day however her circumstances are different to my wife > > SIL hasn't been at work for the last year as she’s been on maternity leave with her first baby > > My wife works, has a 2nd job (kind of a self-employed hobby) and we've have 2 children under 7 go care for. > > I think one of the problems is MILs attitude of 'well your sister can do it...'

Commenter 4: NTA. Your MIL needs some therapy, and I would suggest that you and your wife reduce the amount of time you spend with MIL to protect your wife's sanity. Keep being the rock your wife needs, you are doing a great job.

Commenter 5: Your wife needs to back off MIL and SIL for a while for her mental health, they both seem like emotional vampires who are sucking the empathy out of your wife. Your SIL seem especially toxic and no doubt she is feeing MIL bait for her to feel neglected

Go LC with both of them for a while and get your wife into therapy so she can deal with her father’s death without the guilt tripping from her sister and mother.

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Update: May 4, 2026 (next day)

Update: AITAH for defending my wife against her grieving family?

MIL turned up to the finish line without telling anyone she was going to. She text me an hour before my wife was due to finish to ask where we were so she could stand with us and I replied I don't think it’s a good idea to be here, my wife said the night before that she doesn't want her there to which she replied tough I'm already here.

I did not let her know where we were standing as I didn't want to upset my wife further by her thinking I went against what she wanted. This has upset MIL even more that I left her alone to stand there for '2 or 3 hours'...

MILs best friend is messaging my wife telling her to give MIL some slack, so she's getting others involved too

MIL text my wife last night, again just before bed saying she was proud of her. My wife replied saying 'thank you for the support, I am still upset and hurt so would like some time' MIL immediately called started off by saying she just wants to talk about the race and see how my wife is. My wife said no she doesn't want to talk and then the argument kicked off again, apparently I've said some hurtful things too... So let’s put the whole conversation on here and see what people think are the hurtful messages.. This is a 3 way message with me, MIL and my wife for context the night before her half marathon... continued from original post - first message below is last message in original post.

Me: All because for some reason you couldn't call her today and expect her to do it even though she told you yesterday she was spending today getting ready for tomorrow

MIL: That Response has really upset me

Me: *replying to 'sorry that you've not made the effort message* Well this message has really upset my wife and annoyed me... Why didn't you call earlier?

MIL: I shouldn't have to, I thought our daughter would want to make an effort, FIL told me that he asked both daughters to look after their mum

Me: This is why my wife is having therapy. She's told you about how she doesn't feel good enough and this is exactly the reason why. You say you are worried about her then you guilt trip her like this. You can call too and she does call you

MIL: The Samaritans seem more interested in my emotions

Me: You don't seem interested in my wife’s... She has been anxious about her half marathon all week and now probably won't sleep

MIL: No according to FB, she's been plastering my family business all over it

(That is referring to my wife posting her just giving link for fund-raising)

My Wife: No Idea what that means, stop now

MIL: Good luck tomorrow ❤️.

My Wife: Classic gas-lighting, please don't message me again

Did I say anything hurtful?

Relevant / Top Comments

Downvoted Commenter: ESH! MIL and SIL for obvious reasons; all already mentioned in the comments. OP and his wife are aholes, because charitable or volunteer work should not automatically take priority over supporting loved ones. Doing good is socially untouchable and OPs wife is made to be a hero, while the mother-in-law very clearly stated what support she needed (daily phone calls with her children). My criticism is that this concrete emotional request was brushed aside because a charity marathon was treated as morally more important. Instead of just communicating that 1 call/day is too much.

It’s like if a friend told me: “I’m bleeding heavily after giving birth, my husband left me, and my twins need something other than frozen meals. Could you cook for me once a day?” And I replied: “Aw sweetie, I can’t! I’m currently fundraising for single mothers, they have it so hard.”

> OOP: To clarify, my wife has communicated that guaranteed everyday contact is too much for her, but she will try her best, and also she told MIL a few days before that on that Saturday she needed the day for herself to prepare, not sure if that comes across the post or not

Commenter 1: INFO : How does FIL having said that the girls would look after their mom mean that mom needs to be telephoned every day? MIL is so manipulative in wanting her way and controlling your wife.

Your MIL needs to be put on time-out, and your wife needs some time without her mom in order to re-evaluate the relation and possibly rebuild it with very healthy boundaries.

NTA

But please stop entertaining your MIL, as you're even doing by answering her calls and messages after your wife clearly indicated needing some time.

> OOP: To be clear, I didn't answer that call last night, my wife did

Commenter 2: You truly need to just distance yourself from both of them. I know that will seem impossible for your wife, but this is how things will continue to play out.

She will never fill the need. SIL, is for some reason also sabotaging any hope there used to be. Help her draw the line with absolute boundaries, and help her stick to them. My husband did this for me, and I adore him for it in hindsight.

Her peace, mental health, and your marriage depend on it.

Commenter 3: NTA, you haven’t said anything hurtful. MIL is narcissistic and grieving the loss of her primary source of attention (FIL). This is the worst possible combo as she needs to replace the source with something else to keep the show all about her…queue daughters.

SIL is golden child and mother’s flying monkey, your wife is scapegoat child. No matter what she says or does she will always be wrong and picked on.

Imagine putting someone down for fundraising?! WTF?! For context, my best friend’s mum passed earlier this year after a yearlong battle. We were similar to your wife and undertook a bunch of sponsored hikes last year for the charity that helped her mum. Friends and family all supported her. It’s a normal and worthy thing to do. It is also a form of grieving and helps you stop feeling helpless in a situation you can’t control, it gave my friend a purpose, so I can understand how your wife feels. My best friend has a step daughter whose mother is a narcissist. Step daughter did the walks with us (huge achievement as she is still young). Her mother was the only person who couldn’t be happy for what we were doing because she perceived the light was shining on her daughter rather than her.

Your wife is an amazing person, I’m so sorry for her loss, and I’m sorry her mother and sister are treating her this way. She doesn’t deserve it. I’m sure FIL didn’t ask her to take abuse. Family is supposed to look after each other, not focus on one single person at the expense of the others. I doubt he would want her to sacrifice her happiness and mental health for MIL when MIL is behaving this way.

I suggest you and your wife go LC/NC with MIL/SIL and block any other flying monkeys that she sends to attack your wife, it’s just manipulation to try and guilt her into falling in line. Cut off the fuel source (it’s called grey rocking). If you choose LC, or if you choose to re-establish contact later when your wife is feeling better, set hard boundaries. However - Expect them to test and break those boundaries. And your response must be to enforce them and go back to LC/NC if required, otherwise the abuse/guilting will just restart. I know this is really hard…but don’t share or show any emotions with MIL, it’s what she feeds off and just turns it round on you to make herself the victim, and ultimately this then makes your wife feel worse. It’s not worth it.

Congratulations to your wife on the half marathon! That is an amazing achievement, and wonderful that she has raised money for a good cause. I hope, despite her family’s actions she is able to take some comfort from the good she has done, and know that other people will be supported through their own difficult times as a result of her effort and compassion.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Vast_Result_8543

Originally posted to r/Waiting_To_Wed

Waiting to Wed: 9 Years

Trigger Warnings: >!mental health struggles, emotional neglect!<

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Original Post: April 16, 2026

OG: I’d (29f) been with my partner (30m) for 9 years, and from jump I said I wanted to get married and have kids. He told me he did too. To say I love this man is an understatement. I put him on such a high pedestal, which was probably always a part of the problem in our relationship.

We moved multiple times for my career, and I always assumed it was coming. However, it never did. We had many conversations about it, and he told me he didn’t know why he didn’t want to get married. I waited. I just waited.

At one point he had a ring from his family and I was so excited. I’d run around the house when he wasn’t home wearing it. Loving the idea that FINALLY it was happening. That was a year ago.

This became such a painful topic for me that I didn’t even want to get married anymore bc I didn’t want a shut up ring. And I felt like such a cliche: the girl that is badgering her bf to marry her.

I ended it yesterday. I’m devastated but I know this is right. I know that another nine years would pass and I’d still be waiting.

Reflecting on this, I’m not mad at him. Maybe I should be, but I’m not. What I am recognizing is I have zero self confidence. Like none. And THAT is what I am feeling most. Just this emptiness because I put myself on an island. I figured, I must be a piece of shit, because the man I loved didn’t want me. I know that is not the truth but it’s what I am actively trying to heal from.

I know this will take time, and I’m devastated. How did you build back up your self esteem and self worth in the beginning?

Update 4/17/26: I am with my folks now, and my mom and I read through everyone's comments last night. She actually printed them out for me and tucked them into my backpack. I hope you all know that this has been such a lifeline, and I am so very grateful. Tomorrow, my AMAZING parents are driving 10 hours with me to pick up some of my stuff, and my dogs and I will be living with them over the summer. I'm excited to fully dive into my work and imagine a new future.

VERY weirdly, yesterday I was driving, and "Silver Springs" by Fleetwood Mac came on, and whilst I was working at a coffee shop, it played TWICE. TWICE. I know it was probably Sirius XM doing what it does, but I took it as a sign.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It’s time to put yourself on a pedestal.

> Commenter 2: Yep 28-29 is when your life actually starts, and it’s the perfect time for a rebrand. I decided to get my shit together at 25, now I’m 28 and I’m the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been. I can’t wait for my 30’s to see how I’ll continue to grow. Now that OP has ditched the dead weight she can lock in and find a serious person. Rooting for you OP!! >> >> OOP: Thank you! It ebbs and flows but I think more than anything, I am excited for the next chapter. I am a PhD student so I will FULLY be able to focus on that without waiting for someone to come home, or like me.

Commenter 3: Good for you for taking control of your life. You should have left the first time he told you he didn't want to get married. Do not let him back in. He had a decade to make you his wife and chose not to, so anything he says now is meaningless. Invest in individual counseling to help you figure out how to move forward and recognize healthy relationships. > > Commenter 4: Therapy definitely helped me unpack and make my life different after ending my 8 year wait. It crushed that the last 5 we were engaged but he kept moving the goal posts >> >> OOP: I was always so quiet about this with my therapist because I was embarrassed. When I finally told her what was going on, she said, "I am going to take off my therapist hat for a second and tell you clearly, you deserve better." With the amazing support of my friends and family, I am starting to believe that. <3

Commenter 5: You block him everywhere because he will miss your attention, love and effort and convince himself to get you back. He will love bomb you, say everything you ever wanted him to say, promise everything you ever wanted him to promise and may even give you a ring. Then you will realize he could have been this person all along but he just didn’t want to. It’s all gaslighting. If he had wanted to, he would have. You will always be someone he settled for because, while he may love you, you are not the person he can’t live without. He will realize he can play upon your love to keep you doing his chores, cleaning his house, listening to him speak, washing his laundry and dishes, cooking his meals, making him look good, and taking care of his sexual needs. But remember, he’s chosen to not willingly walk the future you want for yourself.

So you block him now, get therapy to process that you stayed too long and don’t really know what a healthy relationship looks like, and you date yourself. Who are you now? What foods, movies, books, activities do you like now when you don’t have to cater to someone else? Take a professional class, get a better job, learn another language, and find some place you’ve always wanted to live and move. Try a bunch of different classes! Yoga, accounting, investing, tai chi, martial arts, painting, calligraphy, cooking from around the world. You have made yourself small for 9 years to make someone else happy. So treat yourself to the pleasure of your company and every nice thing you used to do for him….do for you.

> OOP: SO SMALL! I don’t want to shape shift and contort myself anymore for anyone. I want to see what I can do with this really beautiful life now that I am not waiting.

Commenter 6: Take some time to heal - just not too much! If I were in your shoes, I'd find a few things to do that don't involve centering all your thoughts, hopes, and dreams on one person. That's not healthy.

Diversify your sources of happiness the way you'd manage money in an investment portfolio. If one "asset" is going through a rough spot, you have others that are doing better.

Resolve never again to make a man your everything. Men don't appreciate that the way we expect. I'm old, and I've seen time and again in my own life and others' that, when a man knows you're prepared to do anything for him in exchange for not very much from him, he'll accept your terms. Then you wonder why you feel taken for granted. Have standards he knows he needs to meet. Because it's not enough for him to enjoy and appreciate what you have to offer; he needs to respect you as well.

> OOP: Wowza, you had a much deeper understanding of this than I did. What is WILD is that I actually have so much to be proud of. I am a PhD student. I am healthy, and I have amazing friends and family as well as a niece! I can't wait to focus more on those things than wondering why, what, and how I could make this relationship work. Turns out, it just wasn't right.

OOP responds to a longer thread on how her ex took the news when she ended the relationship. Did he step up to fix the relationship or is he depressed?

> OOP: That he didn’t see this coming.

> No it was a 6 min convo, and I haven’t heard from him since.

> We both struggle with our mental health. I’ve reached out to his close friends to let them know what is going on.

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Update #1: May 1, 2026 (two weeks later)

About a month ago I posted this.

Y'all, I am not kidding when I say that I am doing so much better. As everyone predicted, he called, and it was just so unimportant, but what came of it was that I saw he never respected me. He never believed me when I said I was hurt or that I would leave. And when I did, he couldn't imagine how someone wouldn't want to be with him. Whatever.

This weekend, I am finding my own apartment and defending a big part of my PhD program. And do you know what I am not worrying about? If I embarrass my bf, or if I get some post-mortem lecture about how I behave and how he doesn't like it. Or being told to stop talking. Or being ignored when he walked in the door. Or being treated like what I am getting my PhD in is frivolous. That shit is not for me anymore, and it never should have been.

I said this on another post, but I didn't lose a man; I lost a problem, and I am better for it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: The thought of a guy whom you have to worry about embarrassing, who lectures you about your behavior, and who thinks your PhD is frivolous… gives me an ick the size of Mount Everest.

So happy you’re rid of that dude. Welcome to the rest of your life.

> OOP: Y'all are going to fall out of your chairs when I tell you what I do. I research and write curriculum to teach immigrant and refugee students to read and write, regardless of their English proficiency.

Commenter 2: First - best of luck with your PhD. Go make yourselft proud!

Second - have a long and hard think about why you would ever have wanted to marry (and put on a pedestal) a man who treated you the way you described here.

> OOP: Yes! That has been a difficult mirror to hold up to myself. But thank god I didn't get what I thought I wanted.

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Update #2: May 5, 2026 (four days later)

I posted this about my recent breakup.

I officially defended my qualifying exam, and it went AMAZING. Here are some highlights:

* I was invited to be included in a book!!!

* The Beyoncé of my field told me I was a great writer.

* My entire committee is so excited about my next steps, and everyone wants to be included in my study. I was sent multiple applications for grants.

This all happened in one day (well after a long hard road). And this joy I am feeling is just so special. And mine. It is MINE.

I’m on this path to loving myself in a way that I don’t think I could have accomplished if I was still in that incredibly difficult relationship.

For anyone who is in limbo and wonders whether they should leave, remember that you have the full capacity to love with everything you have. And sometimes, people take advantage of that, and that is painful in ways that eat away at your soul. Believe I know. But that love you have can turn inwards, and you will be better for it. I promise. This is coming from someone who is still in the thick of it, and I still feel like choosing myself was worth it.

I will forever be grateful to this sub for helping me and being my cheerleader during this difficult time. I was actually SOOOO excited to tell all of you, and I will be active on this sub, giving the same support you all gave me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Concluding Comment

Commenter: Ok, I'm misting up for a complete stranger on Reddit.

Good for you and thank you for updating us.

Ladies Who Lurk: This OP is a case study about how there is more to Life and more to You than some guy who thinks it's ok to jerk you around for years with his BS.

> OOP: Yes! No one is saying any of this is easy. It isn’t and it broke my heart. BUT, I now know that I can pick myself up. I’m slowly building more and more internal security and trust.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway_weddrama

Originally posted to r/AIO

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AIO? Shady Bridesmaid hijacked Wedding Shower

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

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RECAP

Original Post: February 4, 2026

Throwaway because I don’t want this tied to my main.

My sister is getting married and asked me to be her matron of honor, which I was thrilled about. I love my little sister, and she was my maid of honor when I got married a few years ago. We talk once or twice a week (I have a little one at home, and she’s younger, very social, staying-out-late type).

She’s planning a BIG wedding. Lots of people, lots of moving parts.

As matron of honor, I’m expected to lead planning for the bridal shower and bachelorette party. Since the shower comes first, I asked my sister what vibe she wanted. She said elegant. Perfect. I told her I’ll organize with the bridesmaids and report back to her ideas that she can choose from/approve. I asked her if she had any ideas already, and she said no, but wanted to see what we come up with. She did say she wanted something that would accommodate a lot of people.

I created a group chat with the bridesmaids to start planning. There are three other bridesmaids: two are my sister’s childhood friends (I know them, sweet, collaborative, great people), and one I didn’t know. Let’s call her Shady.

Shady is actually in the main group of friends of my sister’s future husband. They included her as a bridesmaid rather than on the groom’s side for symmetry in the wedding party, but my sister is getting to know her more and she is becoming one of her friend’s too.

We planned an in-person meeting to brainstorm ideas. Everyone showed up on time, except Shady. I texted and called, no answer. After about 30 minutes, I suggested we start planning. We started discussing ideas, games, and venues. I mentioned that I was thinking of some elegant venues, but that they could be pricey. I’m a little bit older and more financially established, so I offered to cover the cost of the venue/restaurant/hotel/studio, and if the other bridesmaids wanted to focus on games, decor, flowers, and themes ideas. They were relieved and agreed since they’re still in or just out of college.

After 45 minutes, Shady shows up and apologizes for being late. We recap everything. She doesn’t offer any ideas, she just listens.

We all chat a bit, get to know each other, and Shady seems friendly, outgoing, and pleasant. We end the meeting with the plan that I’ll tour venues and update the group chat, and everyone else will contribute ideas for games, décor, and themes.

The following week, I took a few days off work and toured several venues. I took photos and shared them in the group chat. The other bridesmaids responded with comments like how beautiful they were, questions about space and menus, etc. the showed pictures of game ideas and themes, etc.

Shady said nothing.

That weekend, I went to my sister’s place to show her everything in person. She casually mentioned that Shady and her boyfriend had been over earlier that day to spend time with her and her future hubby.

Then my sister tells me: Shady had already shown her all the venue photos and ideas from the group chat. She then showed my sister pictures of a friend’s large mansion, complete with floor plans, and suggested hosting the shower there instead with catering.

My sister said she really liked that idea.

I told my sister that if that’s what she wants, I support it. I want her to be happy and have the shower she wants.

But I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me.

I did planning, legwork, touring, and shared everything with the group. Shady said nothing in the chat, then went directly to my sister behind the scenes with some other plan that she did not want to share with the bridesmaid group?

Was this shady behavior, or am I overreacting?

Do I confront Shady, or keep quiet to avoid drama during my sister’s wedding?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I would bring it up in the group chat to let the others girls know the ideas “shady” came up with so all of you are on the same page. My question is being “shady” came up with the mansion does that mean it’s free because it’s her friends or will she be covering that expense.

> OOP: It will be free because it is at someone’s house. My sister will also likely add this additional person to the guest list if she’s hosting the party for the shower. I imagine the bridal party will divide costs for food? I’m going to make a group chat informing the other bridesmaids of the change. I don’t know how to word it without sounding upset right now.

Commenter 2: I'm going to play devil's advocate here. When you were at the bridal planning , she could not offer up a second person's house without speaking to them first.

She absolutely had to confirm with that person before she made the offer. And then once she got a confirmation that it could be done , she likely told your sister because she knows your sister better and she spoke to your sister before she spoke to you.

She might be shady, but I don't think this is that deep.

The only way you're gonna know is if you talk to her. But if you don't talk to her and you just start bailing out of things and s*** talking her without finding out what happened , then you're going to be the one who's bringing drama.

> OOP: I appreciate you giving a possible way to view this. I’m not the type to burn the house down if something goes wrong, so I’m not in any way going to stop being there for my sister or step down from being her MOH. > > I just think there were many opportunities to say, hey- here’s an option. I can check with my friend if it is possible. > > That would have been great.

Commenter 3: Honestly, leave this one alone and tell your sister that you’re leaving the planning of everything else to Shady because of what she did. Let her know you don’t have time for this and cut off the drama at the head.

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Update #1: February 15, 2026 (11 days later)

AIO: Shady bridesmaid hijacked shower UPDATE

UPDATE: Somehow things got worse! This is long. Sorry all.

Remember when I said I didn’t want to cause drama for my sister? Well I failed.

After my sister told me she wanted to go with Shady’s mansion shower plan, I decided to be an adult and call Shady directly.

She didn’t answer.

So I sent a polite text saying I had spoken to my sister, she mentioned the mansion idea, and I was just confused about how the group chat planning pivoted into a fully formed alternate event. Very calm. Very “just trying to understand.”

She texted back instead of calling.

She said she doesn’t have a sister of her own and really wants to do this for my sister. Okay.

She did not address why she didn’t bring this up in the group chat.

Then she added that she already has a menu planned, my sister agreed to it, she will be covering the cost, and all the bridesmaids have to do is show up and enjoy.

Oh, and she plans to use one of the games we discussed in the group chat.

Excuse me?

So now she’s throwing the shower. Featuring one recycled game from the peasants. I know I’m not paying anything for this, so she’s not looking to take advantage of my generosity.

I probably shouldn’t have, but I responded that this was something I had really wanted to do for MY only sister, and I was disappointed I didn’t even get to be part of it.

Then I called my sister to explain the conversation.

My sister said yes, she’s good with this plan, this is what she wants, and I can just focus on the bachelorette party.

If this is what she wants, fine. I will swallow it. But I felt… disappointed? Replaced? Weirdly pushed out?

So I sent a neutral message to the group chat saying that Shady would be taking over the shower planning and that it would be at her friend’s home.

My phone rang immediately.

One of the bridesmaids (we’ll call her Sweetie) calls me absolutely shocked because she knew how passionate I was about doing this for my sister. I explained what happened. She was upset for me and asked if I wanted her to call Shady and find out why she left us out.

And here is where hindsight punches me in the face.

I said sure.

Sweetie calls Shady.

Shady answers.

Apparently Sweetie did not love the responses she got.

They argue.

Shady then calls my sister.

My sister then calls me.

My sister was upset because there’s conflict. I tried calming her down, but I ended up getting upset too and I yelled. I did apologize. But in that moment I realized my sister just wanted me to quietly make this work and not create waves… and I had just created a tidal wave.

How did we get here???

Fast forward to this past weekend.

We had an unrelated event where all the bridesmaids were present, along with family, and I met my sister’s future in-laws for the first time.

Shady was there.

She did not speak to me. Not once.

Instead, she stayed glued to my sister’s fiancé and his mother.

When I met the future MIL (with Shady standing right there), I immediately got the vibe that she was annoyed with me. Curt. Polite but distant. And I couldn’t help but wonder what version of this story had been told on that side.

I stayed near my sister the whole event. She seemed happy. Sweetie stuck by us too. But there is now this very obvious divide with Shady.

And I feel terrible.

I never wanted to make my sister’s wedding messy. I just wanted to throw her a beautiful shower. Now somehow it feels political.

So now I’m asking:

Did I mishandle this?

Is this a “pick your battles” situation and I picked wrong?

Was I reasonably hurt and this spiraled beyond what I intended?

Because right now I feel like I accidentally became the villain.

Editor's note: OOP made the same update post onto another subreddit, I am adding comments from that sub for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Damn that Shady has screwed you over. Sadly, you played right in to her hands and now she is the one seen to be "doing what the bride wants" and you are the bad guy. To be honest though, as long as your sister is happy, I'd just let the drama fade away now.

Totally understand why you are hurt though and I do think that you're NTA

> OOP: Thanks for your response. I think this is probably the best way. I appreciate you saying I’m NTA and understand why I am hurt. I don’t think my sister understands that and maybe that’s why this feels unresolved and uncomfortable. And now I’ve got to interact with Shady for the next few months for wedding activities and act like everything is okay.

Is there any chances that Shady likes the Future BIL and is jealous that he's getting married to OOP's sister?

> OOP: No - I don’t think so. They’ve been friends for many years and he was single for a long time before he met my sister. > > I do think she appreciates his friendship and wants to be involved to a significant degree, but wasn’t happy with me being in charge or leading something she wanted control of.

Commenter 2: Sounds to me like Shady has main character syndrome.

One idea might be for you and Sweetie, and Xtra Sweetie 😊 to just sit tight and be available anytime your sister reaches out.

And let Shady do her little show, cuz eventually she's gonna slip up and show her ass. If she is MC type, she's not gonna stop trying taking center stage from you. It's going to bleed into other aspects of the wedding, and your sister and others will see her as she really is.

But realize now that you can't stop it, based on the dynamics you described. Know that you can't protect your sister from her because your sister's still buying into it. And she's just going to have to learn about this girl from her own experiences. So there's no reason getting your sister pissed off at you over it. You've already kind of warned her. Now you can just be there when she needs you.

So, just give Shady enough rope and eventually she'll h@ng herself, so to speak. (Obviously not literally; it's an old saying).

It's going to be hard biting your tongue, but just be there for your sister when she needs you.

PSA: this is just one of multiple certain scenarios that could play out

> OOP: This sounds like the route I will go. I’ll just have to accept what happened and just be polite when I see Shady. I don’t like that my sister’s future MIL has such a negative impression of me. Shady is such an ass.

Commenter 3: Your sister is an AH and owes you an apology for allowing this friend to treat you so badly. I hope you tell your sister that if she thinks her friend is more of a sister to her then you’ll be stepping back. Your sister is in the wrong here, not only her shitty friend.

> OOP: I didn’t really think about this perspective. She really is dismissing my feelings about what happened. > > I’m not going to step down from being her MOH, I love her and will give her grace about this. > > There might be more going on behind the scenes than I know. I know if Shady brought this up when spending time with my sister and my future BIL, I could see my future BIL possibly pushing for this if he thought it was a good idea too, as he is pretty opinionated. This is just speculation, though.

OOP responds to a long thread regarding avoiding making more conflicts and the idea of stepping down as the MOH because her sister is disregarding her and her relationship with OOP

> OOP: I didn’t think about that, but yes, my sister disregarding my feelings about what happened. That does hurt. > > I am going to give her grace about this, as wedding planning is very stressful and overwhelming.

OOP's thoughts on if Shady is trying to be the MOH due to taking over the shower as she claims to know the bride / sister than OOP does

> OOP: I actually would have preferred Shady to take over the bachelorette party than the shower. With a little one at home I’ve gotten protective over my sleep, and I’m not into staying out all night as I used to be. But I will make it everything my sister wants and drink coffee or an energy drink or whatever I need to do to keep up with my sister and her friends.

Is Shady a family member or related to anyone else in the family?

> OOP: No.

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: May 5, 2026 (nearly three months later)

So the hijacked shower was this past weekend, and I have to admit, it was beautiful. Elegant, polished, and honestly better than anything I would have put together.

I received an invitation like any other guest, no mention of helping, no role, just show up. A few days before, I even texted Shady asking if I could bring anything. Her response? Just bring yourself! So that’s what I did.

I had family coming in from out of town for the shower, so a few of my aunts and cousins met at my house and we all drove together in multiple cars. Some of them stayed with me for the weekend.

When we arrived, well, this place was something else. A massive, gated home, like, movie level fancy. Fountain out front, sweeping steps, pillars, the whole thing. Immediately I was like, okay, this is not your average shower.

Shady greeted us at the door, all air kisses and charm, thanked us for coming, and swept us inside like she was hosting a gala. And honestly? The setup was stunning. The hor d’ourves were elegantly plated looking like art displays. It was classy, coordinated, and way more formal than anything I would’ve planned. I’m pretty sure she saw the look on my face, too, a mix of awe and omg. She gave this little half smile before moving on to the next guests. Whatever.

I knew about half the room (my family) so I spent time catching up. I also made the rounds, introduced myself to people I didn’t know, got to know my sis’ future family. Sis’ future MIL? Polite but still cold. I also tried chatting with Shady’s inner circle (we’ll call them Snotty, Snooty, and Stuck-Up), and yeah. Short responses. Not exactly welcoming. Fine.

But then I started noticing something else. My family members seemed uncomfortable. And that is not us. We’re loud, competitive, and we LOVE shower games. Usually it turns into chaos in the best way.

This time? People are subdued, hesitant, and quiet.

Meanwhile, my sister was on cloud nine. She was glowing, making her rounds, but mostly sitting with Shady and her crew. She looked like she felt like a princess. Im happy for her.

When sweetie arrived, she gave me a look that perfectly matched what I’d felt walking in. No words needed.

Then came the games. Shady led them, along with her trio. The room we moved into looked like a luxury hotel lobby. The family members that participated were reserved and surprisingly less enthusiastic. It made me more aware of the differences between the families, and that many of my family members seemed like they felt out of place.

Fast forward to later that evening.

My sister and her fiancé came over to my house to spend time with the out of town relatives. Everything was typical, until my future brother in law said something.

One of my cousins casually asked why I hadn’t thrown the shower. Before I could even answer, my future BIL jumped in and said, “It’s actually inappropriate for a sister to host a bridal shower.”

I was a bit shocked. I looked at my sister. She didn’t react (she was playing with my kid) but I know she heard it.

And I started thinking there was possibly more behind the high jacking. Was Shady placed as a mole to purposely take over the shower so there would be a standard that would meet Future BIL’s family expectations? My future brother-in-law’s family is quite affluent, and while that’s never been an issue in our interactions before, it did make me consider whether expectations around the event may have influenced what happened.

My BIL knows our family. He’s been to our parties, he knows they’re fun, loud, and definitely not formal. And his family? They’re wealthy. Like, very wealthy.

It’s never been an issue before, he’s usually easygoing but he does have noticeably expensive taste.

So I’m wondering, did he step in behind the scenes? Did he think what I would’ve planned wouldn’t be good enough (which is correct, I would have planned something less formal and more laidback)?

And if so, why not just say something instead of this weird takeover? I’m flexible.

I’m really not too upset anymore over what happened, I just have the feeling that people did shady things around me rather than just communicate. This was too blatantly weird to just happen this way.

Ah well. On to the bachelorette party planning!

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Write a positive, glowing review of the incredible work Shady did in the bridesmaids chat. How elegant it was, how everyone in you family is still talking about it. Be genuine and show that you're impressed.

Thank Shady for her efforts and apologise for the earlier misunderstandings. Express that she's set a high bar for all of you now.

Your goal isn't to suck up to Shady. You should give credit where it's due. She did a great job and your sister and her fiancé clearly enjoyed having a posh shower.

Start the group plotting for the bachelorette. Encourage ideas and collaboration. Be half aware that Shady might choose to arrange a fancier and more expensive option. If she does, be graceful about it.

If that comes up, ask your sister if she would prefer to swap your and Shady's roles, so Shady gets the MOH role. Be graceful about it. It's not a demotion. It's recognition for the role Shady may be performing. I know that you wanted the opportunity to do these things for your sister, but ultimately this is about your sister rather than about you.

Finally, feel encouraged to create a family-specific event for your sister for any family who can make it a day or two before the wedding. A picnic perhaps, if the weather will be good. Invite Sweetie and other close friends and family, including your soon to be brother-in-law. Do it as a family member, rather than as the matron of honour. Play games. Encourage your family to be their enthusiastic selves. Enjoy yourself.

I know it sucks to be overshadowed, but your sister is making her own choices. I guess she likes the finer things. It's really hard to compete with someone who can put on an event like that shower, so don't. Have your sister's back. Maybe her future family-in-law are the nicest people, but just in case they aren't, learn how to dance with them so that you can be there for her.

> OOP: I like what you said, giving her credit where it is due and praising the shower. It was the fanciest shower I’d ever been to. And collaborating on the bachelorette. > > But I don’t see a need to step down as MOH. I do think it’d be nice to schedule some family activities before the wedding and try and mend whatever happened. > > Thank you!

Commenter 2: Not a fan of the conflict aversion (by them). It seems like a lot going on behind the scenes and I actually remember your original post. From what you're giving, it just seems... idk. If your sis is wanting the elegance and so on, that's fine. But state it outright from the get-go. Or have a come to Jesus moment with you. The weird power games are just immature. Why triangulate when you can just talk.

Not a fan of the BIL deflecting blame by saying "it's inappropriate for the sister to throw the shower," like wtf is that even.

I'd just step back. I'd be heartbroken that the sister was just deflecting. I get she said that's what she wanted but it's a lot of sneaking behind your back for it and I'm just not about it.

Maybe the signs have all been there, but all that's being done is breaking hearts, like yours. It's sad.

Let her be. Maybe she'll come around and offer explanation, or maybe that's who she is becoming now. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

> Commenter 3: I have a suspicion that your sister's future in-laws are very caught up in the strict rules of etiquette. > > In case you didn't know it, as much as I hate to say it, your future BIL is correct. According to Emily post, it is extremely inappropriate for a family member to throw a bridal shower. It's traditionally done by the bride's Friends. > > However, it's important to note that that rule is quite archaic, and certainly not enforced. I had a colleague whose son and daughter-in-law were getting married, who threw themselves a bridal shower. > > But apparently these people are too busy looking down their noses at you to see that the times have changed. > > I'm sorry to say it, but I suspect your sister is buying into this snobby atmosphere. > > I suggest you retreat, lick your wounds, and live to fight another day. Hopefully it won't get to it, but maybe you can do it for her next wedding? > > > > OOP: And I was planning the bridal shower as MOH with the bridesmaids before the highjacking.

Commenter 4: Do NOT plan the bachelorette! Are you not seeing what is patently obvious? Your sister is part of what her new family and Shady are doing and she doesn’t care if you are hurt. She doesn’t want you involved. You should not even be part of the wedding party.

It appears your sister is playing coy but she approves of what is happening and how you are treated. And she doesn’t care about you at all. This is her new life and you’re not part of it.

Time to step down, back out of everything and simply attend as a guest. And seek your husbands support as your relationship with your sister will never recover. Nor does she care.

Please have some self-respect and stand up for yourself. They are going to hurt you very badly and you don’t deserve this - your sister is a manipulative POS and it’s time you see that clearly.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MolassesLazy4093

I’m (25M) leaving my partner (33M) of seven years tomorrow.

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: >!domestic abuse, infidelity, grooming, verbal abuse, controlling / isolating behavior!<

Original Post: May 1, 2026

Hi, I’ve only posted to Reddit a few times and I figured this subreddit would be good for advice.

I’m leaving my partner of seven years and while I’m relieved to finally cut ties with him, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for how I’m doing it.

My partner (I’ll call him Dave) and I have been together for around seven years now. We met when I had just turned 18 and he was 27. When we first got together everything moved excruciatingly fast. We’d met in January, started dating in February, and moved in together in April. We’d had an extremely rocky relationship, I wasn’t mature and couldn’t handle adult life very well. He wanted freedom and independence but felt obligated to take care of me since he moved me an hour from my parents and convinced me to cut them off. There was a lot of him cheating, us arguing all the time, and me struggling to navigate a new city, new relationship, and completely different job market.

Over the years as I’ve grown mentally and developed more into my own person, the arguments grew less frequent. Until i started making more money, had my own car, and gained friendships and bonds. He started to get more controlling, more comfortable flipping from overly sweet to hostile, more aware of who I was with, where I was going, and my location.

An incident happened where he went too far and I realized I needed out. I’ve been scared of him ever since. I have an apartment in a new city, friends to help me move, new job lined up, and everything covered. What’s got me stuck is, I feel guilty? I pick up my keys Saturday and have a place to stay after I break the news tomorrow. But, he’s being so kind and so sentimental and part of me feels bad and like I’m taking the cowards way out.

This has been my first actual relationship ever and my first time dealing with breaking up. So, I’m not sure how to break the news. Everyone says he doesn’t deserve the closure and I should just not say anything, but spending this much time with a person I feel like they do. But I’m unsure of if that’s the years of feeling like I have to justify every action to him talking or not. My head is a little all over the place.

(TL;DR I’m leaving my partner of seven years and because of an incident that happened between us I didn’t feel safe telling him I was leaving until I was sure I could. Tomorrow is the day I finally tell him and I’m not sure if I’m doing it the right way.)

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: He groomed you, and isolated you from your parents when you were a teenager. Run, and don’t look back. You owe him nothing.

> OOP: I didn’t even think about that in the grand scheme of things. We’d met online and he swears he didn’t know my age before talking to me, but it was oddly suspicious he didn’t start texting me till after my 18th birthday. Oh I’m feeling weird all over again now that I’m thinking more.

Commenter 2: Was he violent when he went too far?

If yes, you telling him you are about to leave my be a life or death situation.

You are still younger than the age he was when he first dated you.

Would you date a 18 year old now at 25 yrs old?

In 7 years you've gained life experience that a teenager would not have. You have a career, money and knowledge.

Your boyfriend is a predator. He chose you because he wanted to mold you and isolate you.

Him being nice ‘now’ is because he can tell he's losing his grip on you.

Your almost about to escape, do not sabotage it by treating him with ‘respect and decency’. That's reserved for people who are safe and stable.

Move out when he's gone. If you really want to break up him in person - do it in a public area in the day, like a park or a cafe.

Do not bring a bag with you, in case he plants a tracker.

> OOP: Yes he was, I don’t think I can mention exactly what happened on this sub but he claims he suffered a “mental health break” that almost critically harmed us both over an argument about him trying to cheat on me again. > > I would never touch anyone three years younger than me, much less 18. So that’s puts a lot in perspective. I think at most I’ll just send him a text message if I’m really feeling bad but definitely getting everything out while he’s at work.

Commenter 3: You’re not taking the coward’s way out, you’re finally taking the safe way out, and his sudden kindness is exactly what keeps people stuck in cycles like this, so don’t over-explain, say it clearly, leave, and don’t look back.

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Update: May 4, 2026 (3 days later)

UPDATE: I’m (25M) leaving my partner (33M) of seven years tomorrow.

Hi everyone, here’s the original post for context. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/xWCOsR95tJ

I wanted to come back and thank each and every one of you and let you know I’m safe and sound. I just finished getting the last of everything I could from my old house today. I wish I could say it went smoothly, but it did not. My ex had a feeling something was up and decided to take a sick day from work so I couldn’t leave as smooth as I planned. I woke up to him staring at me from my doorway and had a really uneasy feeling so I just grabbed myself and my animals and left. I sent a text asking him to vacate the property so I could get my stuff, broke it off, and blocked him on everything I could think of.

I had to get an escort to the property and I made sure I had a group of people with me and it seemed to freak him out enough to leave and give me some very limited time to pack my things. I’m not concerned with him tracking me as he doesn’t own a car and I’ll be a few hours away. But I went over everything just in case. I have an unfortunately long car ride ahead of me but I wanted to left everyone who helped and remembered my post know I’m safe, my pets are safe, and I got everything out. I really appreciate each person who gave me the strength and courage to end things on my terms and not give him the chance or opportunity to manipulate me by taking the civil route.

You’re all very good and kind people. I wish I had a longer update but it’s been a long day already and the worst is over. All that’s left to do now is go be happy.

(TL;DR I was able to break things off with my ex partner of seven years and got out safely. All pets and belongings that are important accounted for)

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Happy you got out safe friend. Proud of you! Good luck on this next chapter of your life. ❤️

Commenter 2: I did the same thing at nearly the same ages.

One thing when you feel guilty and lonely that you will find so much solace in is your new place. Since you went from your parents to him you don't know yet the feeling of when you come home and you're not walking on eggshells. When you see your stuff in the new place, but it doesn't feel like home yet and you just kind of giggle about it. It is the weirdest most freeing feeling. When you come home and your apartment isn't great, but it's your space and everything is as you left it and peaceful. It's fucking life changing. I promise it seems small, but it's amazing. There will be others here that will confirm. There is nothing quite like it, the peace.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Life-Chard-502

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Fiancée (F29) insists I (M30) cut off my parents, struggling with the decision

Trigger Warnings: >!emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, death of a loved one, Borderline Personality Disorder!<

Original Post: March 27, 2025

We have been in a relationship for 9 years, engaged, and living with my fiancée for 5 years. We are financially independent, I work full-time, while she works part-time with her father.

She wants me to completely cut ties with my parents, believing they manipulate me and are responsible for many of our arguments. She sees three main issues:

1. I don’t confront them directly – She says I should tell them to their faces what kind of people they are. In her view, they are full of themselves, always boasting (e.g., “This phone of mine is really good” or giving unsolicited advice like “Why don’t you try doing it this way?”).

2. She believes they manipulate me. She interprets small things, like my dad saying, “Are you leaving already? Why not stay one more minute?” as manipulation. Even though I usually respond by saying, “No, we’re leaving,” she still sees it as them influencing me.

3. I didn’t immediately choose her when she told me to choose between her and my parents, I hesitated. She sent me a message saying: “I will not be a second choice. And I will not be an option that you don’t choose immediately without hesitation, no matter what you lose.”

This wasn’t the first time she gave an ultimatum. When my parents invited us to a birthday lunch, she demanded that they stop asking because we will never to go lunch only to visit. When I asked if I could go alone, she said no—I was to stop going to family lunches altogether, end of discussion.

Although she has mentioned cutting ties a few times during heated arguments over the years, she still interacted with my parents, visited them, and even prepared gifts for them. We see them about every 2–3 weeks. For over three years, we haven’t gone to family lunches, even for birthdays or holidays. If a birthday happened to fall in the same week as a holiday, it caused major issues to her to go to my parents sooner than 2/3 weeks period.

These visits were short and uneventful—just sitting and talking. My parents rarely asked for help, except twice a year when they physically couldn’t mow their lawn due to health issues (multiple spinal fractures, diabetes, heart attack, and back surgery). Even then, she reluctantly agreed to help.

I haven’t visited my parents alone once I moved out.

My past & my parents today: When we were still living separately and in our first months of relationship, I once got a call from my dad telling me to put away my camera lenses I had left on the table because we didn’t arrange that I wouldn’t left there. I went and did move it away and go back to here, and she still brings this up as proof of their control over me. I agree this was some kind of control and because of that my actions against that further down of relationship were more visible. I also once told her I felt emotionally distant from my parents growing up because of their authoritative style. Maybe this made her see them in a worse light.

Yes, they had more control over me in the past, but since moving out, they haven’t or I didn’t see that. They never speak badly about her, and they treat me normally. My dad still likes to act like he knows everything, but nothing extreme.

Meanwhile, she works with her father every day. They talk over Viber almost daily or every other day. We frequently go on trips with her parents and visit their vacation home every 6–8 weeks, staying for 2–3 days. I have a great relationship with her parents.

My compromise & her refusal: I told her if she doesn’t want to see my parents anymore, she doesn’t have to. I also offered to visit them less. But she refuses any compromise—I must completely cut them off, and she won’t discuss alternatives. This argument has been ongoing for 3 months.

Recently, my dad had a birthday. I visited him alone for 1 hour and 15 minutes, three days later, to show her that even birthdays or holidays aren’t a priority for me. That alone was enough for her to want to break up with me.

During our relationship, I told her my parents didn’t mean much to me—at the time, I truly believed it not just because I had to, but still she would probably have left me otherwise. I told her many times she is my only priority, and I’ve proven it many times. But because I didn’t instantly say, “Okay, I’ll cut them off,” she sees it as proof that they matter more than she does.

The truth is, I don’t care about them as much as before, but not to the extent that I want to erase them completely.

Whenever I try to discuss finding a solution, she refuses, saying she won’t change her mind—it’s either her or my parents. If I even mention that they are my parents, she gets even more frustrated.

I’ve always respected her wishes, and when she still maintained some level of contact with them, I thought she was doing it for me, out of care. But now, she wants this for both of us, not just herself.

TL;DR: Engaged, living together for 5 years. My fiancée demands that I completely cut off my parents, believing they manipulate me and are responsible for our arguments. We see them about every 2–3 weeks, but for over three years, we haven’t gone to family lunches—not even for birthdays or holidays. If a birthday and holiday happened in the same week, it caused major issues.

I offered compromises, but she refuses to discuss alternatives—it’s either her or them. Meanwhile, she works with her father daily, talks to him almost every day, and we visit her parents’ vacation home every 6–8 weeks, staying for a few days. I have a great relationship with her parents.

She wants to break up because I didn’t immediately choose her without hesitation.

How do I balanced this? Any suggestions?

Edit 1: To add context, after two months, she suggested a compromise: only talking to them on the phone for birthdays and sending holiday greetings via SMS. It is a compromise, but honestly, considering the drastic demand it doesn’t feel like a real compromise to me.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: so you offered a good compromise, but she wants you completely cut off for no reason at all but her not vibing with your parents? because the examples you gave aren't really bad? annoying? possibly but controlling?

it seems more like she wants to be the one controlling you. ultimatums are the ends most of the time to functioning relationships.

close your eyes and imagine your future. is it with her by your side and you not allowed to see your family?

> OOP: Thanks for your comment. I am afraid that this isn’t the future I want. If nothing else I should be at least worthy as of compromise of any kind. There is always my and her part of the story, but in this case is really hard for me to understand her.

Commenter 2: OP, this is awful. No-one has a right to dictate or demand your relationship with others and I’m afraid the only manipulator here is your fiancée. You should not have to cut ties with anyone on her say-so and your parents don’t sound awful at all, they just sound like…parents 🤷🏻‍♀️ Do you have friends? Other family? Or has she cut you off from everyone? OP - your partner is toxic and this relationship is not healthy. She isn’t going to change, which she had shown you every time you’ve offered a compromise. Family is important - you only have one and should treasure every moment with them. Leave your partner.

> OOP: Only mutual friends. She has 2 of her own friends. No other family. You can probably guess what happened with the distant family members of mine, but I accept it, which wasn’t healthy or the right way. She also doesn’t have contact with distant family. That was her decision but yeah, she hit the limit with this whole parent thing. Thanks!

OOP responds to a comment about his fiancée giving in to compromise and seek therapy

> OOP: You are right, she doesn’t give in to compromises very often. Usually, it’s up to me to either change or we do things her way. I’ve been aware of this for about 2-3 years. I often wonder if I’m not giving enough in terms of love, but the more I think about it, the main problem seems to be that I haven’t been able to say NO. > > The relationship is, of course, more complicated than I’ve written. But regarding just the situation with parents, I really don't know WHY she would demand that. Especially because she refuses to open up and talk about WHY. All she says is that she’s already told me everything about this over the years, that they’re manipulating me, and that they have control—but not a single really solid argument HOW, WHEN. > > Regarding therapy I am looking into it. Thanks!

OOP gives examples of being possible an enmeshed child from a downvoted comment

> OOP: As I’ve already mentioned, I really want to be unbiased. Maybe there’s something in me that suggests I was an enmeshed child. Many times, when my fiancée pointed out something problematic about my parents, I defended them by saying, “You know how they are, they just like to brag. I know it’s not okay, but I really don’t know what to do about it.” Instead of telling them directly, “Hey, that’s not okay,” I just justified their behavior. > > At the beginning of our relationship, I showed her that even if something about my parents bothered me, I wasn’t able to tell them. For example, if they kept asking, “When are you coming over for lunch?” or “It’s really time for you to visit us for lunch,” I couldn’t bring myself to say, “Hey, that bothers me.” I know that in the beginning, I didn’t know how to set boundaries. > > After about five years into our nine-year relationship, I started pushing back extremely hard. Whatever they offered, “Hey, do you need a drill? We have an extra one.” I would immediately say, “No, we don’t need it,” even if we actually did, just to avoid any further engagement. > > Financially, they never demanded anything from me, even when I was a child. However, my mom had access to my bank account until I was 24, which was unusual. I eventually removed her access because there was no real reason for her to have it. She only had access in case something happened to me, but my fiancée found that strange, so I canceled it without any issue. My mom didn’t even ask why. > > Now, I’m trying to understand the deeper reasons behind all of this. My mom would often say things like, “It would be nice if you came over,” or “You’re invited to our wedding anniversary.” I was often afraid to say no because I felt like I would hurt her. In the beginning, I couldn’t say no, so I agreed to everything: “Yes, I will,” “Yes, we will.” But in the last five years, that completely flipped, and I started saying no to everything, which they saw as me pulling away and as something being wrong. They even asked me, “Is it that you don’t want to come, or is it because she doesn’t want to? Why is it always a no?” I literally said no to everything. > > I explained that my fiancée simply doesn’t enjoy these family lunches. They didn’t understand it at first, but they didn’t push the issue and eventually accepted it. Over time, they stopped asking. > > To see people’s reactions and opinions on why she might feel that way, I didn’t even mention how much control there was over my hobbies, friendships, how much I had to report where I was, how I spoke to others, and so on. I am sure that there is something unhealthy in my relationship with my parents. Because of that, I told my fiancée, “I can go to therapy. You don’t have to go to them, we can just talk about it.” But nothing helped.

OOP's additional comment after reading all responses

> OOP: I read every single comment. Thanks everyone to make opinion on this. For a reason I didn’t add context about how the relationship works with friends, at work, how much mistrust there is overall, how much control there is over general things, and how many restrictions there are with hobbies, etc. > > I definitely see a connection to my childhood in some way and why I allowed things to go to extremes. It’s not that things were like this in my childhood, but I understand now why I didn’t dare to say NO. When situations like this continued, I felt like I was missing something, like there was something wrong with me. That’s why this time, I finally said NO—I don’t want this, and I don’t wish to continue. Fortunately, something woke up in me, maybe late, but better late than never. > > That’s why I’m now actively exploring therapy and thinking about next steps, which will involve ending the relationship.

> A lot of people ask regarding friends and replied to few but to answer your questions: > > - I don’t have my own friends, they are all mutual friends. She has two women friends. She is jealous to everyone around my surroundings so if my coworker would write to me outside business hours (male) she will start talking why do I chat with him. > > - She talk to those two friends via social network. We go together in person to coffee etc. They are old friends before we were together. > > - In my free time we are usually doing things together. I really don’t have my own free time for any outdoor activities like to go out walking on my own, play basketball etc. I still take some time for my personal stuff like learn about computers but mostly we are doing stuff together. > > - In her free time those 4 hours per day (working PT) she watch her own TV series, cooking for both of us, cleaning, some own hobbies. > > - I pay for all the expenses, bills. When we go to store she sometimes buy some stuff. When we go to vacation she pays for like some dinner, gift etc. Only financial problem which I directly see if I receive some bonus at payment she is really jealous.

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Editor's note: adding a couple prior posts for more context to help with the said situation

How to introduce couples therapy in a relationship with strong emotional cycles?: November 27, 2025 (eight months later)

Hello everyone, I’m looking for advice on how to approach couple therapy in my relationship. I want to be respectful of the rules here, so I want to clarify that I’m not diagnosing my partner or claiming she has any disorder. What I can say is that some of the patterns in our relationship have been very intense, and some of them resemble what people describe in this community.

I’m not here to label or blame. I love my partner deeply, and I know she struggles emotionally. I’ve started individual therapy to work on my part and to understand how to support our relationship better. My therapist suggested that couples therapy or at least a proper clinical evaluation for her could help us both.

But she is very hesitant about it, mostly because she has a deep fear of trusting and opening up in a letting someone new into her emotional world. I want to respect that, but at the same time it feels like we keep hitting the same wall.

She currently sees a non-clinical counselor, but there’s no structured treatment or assessment. Whenever we hit deeper conflicts, we get stuck in cycles that are extremely hard for both of us. Some of the recurring issues involve strong fears, very high emotional reactions, and expectations that I genuinely try to meet but sometimes can’t without losing myself.

I’m not judging her I simply want to understand how others have navigated this and what has helped. Any experiences or advice would mean a lot. Thank you.

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How did your partner react when you experienced a loss in your family?: February 14, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences.

For those who have (or had) a partner with BPD how did they react when you lost a parent or someone very close to you?

Especially in situations where you were supporting your parent (for example staying for few days with your mom or dad after their spouse died, helping with arrangements, being physically present).

Were they supportive? Distant? Angry? Jealous? Overwhelmed?

I’m just trying to understand patterns and experiences.

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Update: May 2, 2026 (almost 3 months later from the previous post, 13 months from the original post)

Update (One year later): Fiancée (F29) insists I (M30) cut off my parents-struggling with the decision

One year later…

A year ago, we briefly broke up and I moved out for a week. My main goal was to show her that this wasn’t the right way to solve our problems.

There was no real compromise. She insisted that I either cut off my relationship with my parents or we would break up. She said that if I showed her she was my main priority, I could occasionally see my parents and we could move forward. Her father got involved, and I asked him for advice. After speaking with her, he suggested that I temporarily hide my contact with my parents so she could see that our relationship was my priority.

Based on that, I came back. I believed that if I showed her clearly enough that she was my priority (even though I already felt she was), things would improve.

During that time, I tried to maintain the relationship and reflect on possible issues with myself and my parents. This was around May. For her, I agreed not to see my parents. However, I secretly called them once every week or two and visited them every third week. I felt ashamed for lying, but in hindsight I’m glad I did, and you’ll see why.

From her perspective, my main responsibility was to push my parents aside so she could feel that I cared about her feelings, even if I didn’t fully understand or agree with them.

At the same time, I started individual therapy. However, because my first therapist was a woman, I had to cancel she couldn’t tolerate any women around me, regardless of age. I then asked her multiple times if we could go to couples therapy, but she insisted we didn’t need it because “we were fine?.”

After 3/4 months, I kept asking where we stood on this issue and how we could resolve it. The relationship seemed better because she believed I wasn’t in contact with my parents but in reality, I was speaking to them more, not less.

By August, nothing had changed. Whenever I tried to discuss a solution or asked if I could see my parents (I could no longer lie), she repeatedly said I could see them only once per year, which I couldn’t accept. One day, I reached my limit. I asked again, and she told me that if I didn’t agree, I could leave. So I did.

But my feelings for her didn’t just disappear. I moved into an apartment, and we didn’t speak for a month. During that time, I went back to therapy (with the same female therapist) to understand myself what I was doing wrong, what was wrong with my family dynamics, and why nothing I did ever seemed to be enough for her.

After a month, we started talking again. I tried to understand her perspective better, but her reasons remained the same: my parents were “too cocky,” they influenced me too much, and they complained a lot (especially about my father’s health).

I tried to find a reasonable compromise, for example, that I could see them without involving her at all. She wouldn’t need to attend birthdays or even funeral when time comes if she didn’t want to. Eventually, in November, her “final compromise” was that I could see them six times per year for 30 minutes, talk to them on birthdays or holidays, and once per month otherwise even though they lived only 20 minutes away.

I couldn’t accept that. My therapist also pointed out that these demands were unusually strict. From a therapeutic perspective, my relationship with my parents seemed normal. Through therapy, I also realized I had issues with boundaries I often felt guilty saying “no,” although I had been prioritizing my girlfriend for years, so every time was “no” if she didn’t agree on it.

During therapy, the topic of borderline personality disorder (BPD) came up not as a diagnosis, but as a possible explanation for some behaviors. This was the first time I had heard of it. I researched it extensively books, videos, podcasts and realized that regardless of whether she had it or not, she experienced emotions very differently from me.

We started communicating more again. She asked me to switch therapists because mine was a woman, so I changed to a male therapist. I focused on understanding her emotional experience as much as possible.

In December, I told her I would visit my parents for my birthday. We didn’t speak for a week afterward. The more we talked, the fewer concrete arguments she had she mostly repeated that she simply didn’t feel okay when I had contact with them.

I told her we couldn’t continue like this and that we needed couples therapy. In January, we started. After six sessions, nothing changed. When the therapist asked how she felt when I contacted my parents, she said it felt like “a heavy rock” in her body, that she hated me most when I did it and loved me most when I didn’t.

During that time, I still secretly visited my parents helping them with practical things, spending quality time, and having honest conversations without fear. We talked about boundaries, my fears of saying no, and what could improve our relationship.

We were still separated but trying to work things out. Then, one normal day in February, my mother called early in the morning:

“Son, paramedics are resuscitating your father please come home.”

I called my girlfriend. She said, “Go if it’s an emergency.” I drove there, my mind was racing all over. Sadly, my father passed away.

I told her the news and returned briefly to our apartment. She offered help, and we talked for two hours. Then I went back to my mother and grandmother (whom my GF also didn’t accept). After about an hour, she messaged me:

“Are you still there?” said yes, that I would probably stay with my mom that night. Her response was cold at first but soon turned into anger:

“I can’t believe you’d rather be with your mom than with me. You need your mommy.”

That moment changed something in me. I realized that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. Even in a situation like death, empathy only lasted until her feelings were triggered.

I didn’t invite her to the funeral, although her mother came secretly. I tried to explain things to her parents and even suggested a book to help them understand her emotional responses.

After a year of struggle, I lost both my father and my relationship. But despite everything, I feel stronger than ever. It’s still hard sometimes, but I don’t regret lying for contact with my parents. That time allowed me to build a deeper relationship with them especially now with my mother.

To anyone in a similar situation take care of yourself and your loved ones. Understand that people can experience emotions very differently. And sometimes, even when there is love, letting go is the healthiest choice.

TLDR: After a year of trying to save a relationship where my partner demanded I cut off my parents, I realized no compromise was possible. Despite therapy and effort, her conditions remained strict. After my father passed away and she reacted without empathy, I understood I couldn’t change the situation. I lost both my relationship and my father but gained clarity, stronger boundaries, and a better relationship with my family.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Hopefully you cut contact with her after you broke up. She was controlling. Do not ever accept a partner who tries to stop you seeing your own family.

> OOP: I did cut with her. Definitely I won’t accept this anymore and this is one of the reasons why I wrote an updated to maybe clear someone eyes if it is in the same position.

Commenter 2: I do find it kind of infuriating that apparently she was just fine with maintaining contact with her parents, but not yours, especially when she couldn't point to any particular reason for you not being allowed other than it "made her feel bad".

I'm glad you kept up with it anyway and you were able to spend time with your father in his last year. From how it sounds, that's the kind of thing you would have always regretted otherwise.

> OOP: Her reply on when I proposed the same rule for her parents was “they are not the same as yours” but because I wanted to try solve it I didn’t stick with that rule for her parents… > > Definitely would regret it otherwise regarding my father. Thank you!

OOP on the book he recommended to his ex-fiancée’s parents

> OOP: Stop walking on eggshells, Paul T. Mason, MS in Randi Kreger

Downvoted Commenter: That doesn’t really line up with how therapy works. Therapists can’t discuss or speculate on possible diagnoses of people who aren’t their patients. Especially stigmatized diagnoses like BPD, it can really harm people. Personal therapy work would be more centered on accountability for you. Your experiences, your reactions, your boundaries, and your decisions, not on armchair diagnosing or analyzing your girlfriend as a separate clinical non-client subject.

The “BPD books” part especially sounds like a misunderstanding or exaggeration, therapists don’t really prescribe material for third parties like that.

> OOP: Maybe I should add some more information about it. After my few solo sessions with first therapist, and when ex GF refused to go to couple/solo therapy then my therapist started to noticing some patterns connected with BPD, but she explicitly told me that she can’t do any diagnosis etc. But just to help me out to maybe look for some answers regarding understanding of her feelings. > > It was strange also for me that she told me like that. But after looking information for months I can only say ex GF can fell differently what would be normal for me, BPD or not.

Commenter 4: I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. I am also very sad to see that you let this happen. You posted here a year ago and got literally dozens of people confirming for you that this is not normal and you are letting this person control you. You still continued, in fact your priority was not to have her stop controlling you but to actually allow her full control because hopefully once she felt like she was your priority she would suddenly let you see your family?

I've read a lot of stories here where people put up with insane behaviour, but this frankly might be the worst. Please continue therapy because I legit don't think you've learned anything even until today, despite your last sentence stating what you think you've gained.

> OOP: Thank you. I have realized actually with that post year ago. And because of those people I want to therapy, do research on my own, try to understand why I am allowing this, why is she doing that, how can I help. Me and her. I didn’t allow it in the same extent, I wanted to solve relationship, that she would see that my parent didn’t have any effect on me. Was this a correct way to stick with her plan and do all the lies? Probably not. > > But in all this time I have learned so much regarding myself, my family, how to listen and understand more. And this is also why I am doing an update. A lot of people would just keep it with themselves, but my mission is to speak about it, to maybe help anyone in similar situation when all hell breaks loose. > > I have a lot to do on me, and I have learned a lot but still work in progress.

Commenter 5: Dude wtf, stay in therapy to figure out why you put up with this and how you can prevent it from happening again > > Commenter 6: Not that this excuses any of her unreasonable explanations but out of curiosity was there a history of infidelity? >> >> OOP: Not from my end :) … but from hers, she was lying that she had an affair when we started dating (told me years later) then in the last year she told me that she was lying and wanted to made me jealous.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/brentonthe

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for letting my boyfriend date his ex

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity, financial exploitation, deception!<

Original Post: April 5, 2026

So me (31M) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for about 8 months. He had told me that he wants to be in a polyamorous relationship. I let them know that I do not have any interest in being poly. He kept bringing up the topic and wanting to open up the relationship. Finally about three months ago, I said I would try it. I said as long as there was communication and he let me know ahead of time that we can try it. My only thing was that I had Mondays and Tuesdays off, so those are our days.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I find out he has a couple of hangouts planned. And I asked about details of the hangout, and it was this guy (we will call Alec) and he was going to take him out to breakfast and pay for everything. I told him that that was a date. My boyfriend told me no it wasn’t and that it was just friends. He said that this was an old friend and they were gonna catch up. Now here comes the kicker, this was planned on a Monday. I’m off Monday. I let him know this and he said he forgot and he thought I was gonna be sleeping. (background: I work overnights and I get off at 7:30 AM on Monday. I stay up all day Monday and go to bed at a normal time Monday night. And this is every Monday.) I let it go and told him to enjoy his day.

A couple weeks later was my birthday. I was super excited because one of my love languages is gifts. I love giving gifts and I love receiving gifts and my boyfriend knows this. I know this kind of sounds shallow, but even if it’s homemade and doesn’t cost money, I will love it regardless. My birthday fell on a Monday. I get off work and find out he has plans to meet up with another guy. I thought maybe this was a cover-up so he can get a gift. I was wrong. He admitted to me later that he forgot until my roommate texted him letting him know that it was my birthday and if I was gonna do something. Mind you this was already about 1 PM that he realized it was my birthday. He ran out and got a store-bought cake and some flowers. In my mind, this was strike two, but I let it slide. I was honestly very hurt. We had a big argument, and I thought we had come to another understanding that Mondays and Tuesdays are for us.

A couple weeks after that was Valentine’s Day, on a Saturday. I was really excited and I planned out a whole thing. I had a letter for each hour planned where he would open it and find a love message from me. There were some that had gift cards attached to them (DoorDash, Steam, PlayStation store,etc). His love language is words of affirmation. Some of the love letters were words of affirmation. I was super excited. The day before he lets me know he has a hang out with another guy planned. I was really hurt to be honest. I let him know this and he said that he would be back by the time I was up sleeping. (background: on my work week I get home around 8 AM and go to bed until 12:30 PM. And then I take another nap around 6 PM to 10 PM.) I said OK and waited for him. He didn’t end up coming home until 4 PM. I decided to sacrifice my sleep and stay up to have a Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend.

In the next month, I found out he had reached out to two more of his exes. He wanted to go on a weekend trip with one of them and the other one he was talking to over discord. Mind you the one he was talking to you over Discord broke his heart, and he’s still in love with him. The one over Discord does not have feelings for him whatsoever. The one that he wanted to go on a weekend trip with we will call Eric. He stated that Eric was going to order an Uber for him to his house and he’ll Uber him back at the end of the weekend trip. Mind you the Uber is about $110 one way. Eric was also going to pay for all his food and of course weed for my boyfriend. I felt super uncomfortable with this. I had asked to meet with Eric just to feel him out. We had another argument of where I let him know. I wasn’t comfortable with poly yet. He agreed to set up a dinner so we can meet.

My boyfriend asked me to drive him to Eric‘s house to see if that would calm me down. I said yes that would most likely calm me down and we can have that dinner with Eric. Pass forward to the day of and we get in the car to drive to Eric’s house and he drops on me that we will just do a call and not a dinner. And so we do a phone call and Eric gang up on me and starts asking me questions of why I need to meet his dates. I let him know that I wasn’t comfortable and it would make me feel more comfortable in theory. Eric stated that he has a husband and that I should not put myself through meeting these guys. This did not sit well with me and I got super quiet on the phone. Call where my boyfriend asked me if I was gonna answer. I felt very good on and I said no. I dropped him off to his weekend and left. Eric did pay for gas, which was nice.

In the next month, he knew planned about two more dates with Alec and they were all on Monday. He used that same excuse of forgetting.

A couple weeks ago he came back from his date and he was wearing all new clothes and jewelry and showing off of what his date got him. I felt very uncomfortable and I told him I am not comfortable with Polly anymore. I honestly tried and it is not for me.

My boyfriend has stated that I am overreacting and I am being unfair.

AITAH for this?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA, but YTA for putting up with his BF

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP clarifies his schedule

> OOP: Mondays are my days off which I do stay at. On my days that I work I go to bed. Those are Wednesday through Sunday. But when I get off work on Monday, I stay up.

Commenter 1: You don’t have a bf. Drop his ass he’s playing with your time and emotions that man doesn’t care about you

Commenter 2: NTA. This isn't polyamory, this is him cheating with your reluctant permission. He ignored your boundaries, forgot your birthday for a date, and let his ex-boyfriend gang up on you. He’s 24 and looking for a provider/safety net (you) while he plays the field. Run

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Update: May 2, 2026 (nearly one month later)

Update: AITAH for letting my boyfriend date his ex

Update: so I broke up with him, and I decided to continue with my move to Oregon. We were supposed to move together with a roommate of ours, but I told my now ex he couldn’t go. I called the leasing office and told them I want to take him off. They stated that when I pick up the keys I can take him off. (some backstory on what I found when I snooped, my ex was texting his friends and letting them know that he didn’t love me, but he was using me to get to Oregon. He said he was just choosing to love me, but he didn’t see a long-term relationship with me.)

My ex got on a train and went to downtown LA. When my roommate dropped him at the train station I noticed that the times for the downtown LA train were later in the evening. There was a train for Oregon arriving first. I asked my roommate what train he was getting in and he said the one to LA and that he saw him get on that train. I said ok.

A couple days later I made the 18 Hour drive to Oregon with all my pets and stuff. I went to pick up the keys and the leasing office said that my roommate already picked up the keys. I let them know that was impossible since we just got here from California. They let me know it was Angel. I saw red. I was so mad and hurt. I went to my roommate and asked if he knew. He said “oh so he is here. He wasn’t supposed to be here yet.” I was so mad I walked away.

I called some friends and asked for advice as well. I called my roommate and asked him if he knew. He came out and said he had lied and knew that my ex was coming to Oregon. Now I feel trapped in my own home and what was supposed to be a happy occasion turned into a stressful one. My Ex even ate the whole gift basket that was there to welcome us to our new apartment.

I am still trying to figure out what to do because I don’t feel comfortable with him here. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear it.

For context: since my ex picked up the keys a couple days before I got here and signed for everything, I couldn’t take them off the lease. Now since it’s been 48 hours after move in (since my ex picked up the keys) there is a form that we can fill out that everyone has to sign it voluntarily.

Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, I am listing the significant details as they provide more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Ask to be taken off the lease and move? > > Commenter 2: letting your boyfriend date his ex sounds like the plot twist nobody asked for in a rom-com gone wrong ngl >> >> OOP: He wanted a poly relationship, I told him I would try, but I ended up uncomfortable and I told him I couldn’t do it. That’s when everything went downhill. I don’t know how to connect the other post, but the original post was 27 days ago.

Commenter 3: Call leasing office, explain, and find a way to get off.

> OOP: I already did, but unfortunately, all three of us have to sign

Commenter 4: You need to talk to a tenant rights attorney ASAP. Explain the situation. State that this is a romantic ex partner you had broken up with before the move, that you notified the leasing office in advance, and the leasing office still allowed them access to the unit despite tell you could handle this when you came to get the keys. Stress that you now no longer feel safe in the home with this person or the roommate who aided them in stalking you.

> OOP: I never thought of this, I’m gonna look up one right now. I really hope they’re open on the weekends.

Commenter 5: If you were the primary on the lease, why was he allowed to pick up the keys and sign final paperwork?

> OOP: I’m honestly not too sure, I’ve never heard of a place allowing a secondary to sign the final lease. Unless he lied and made up a story.

Commenter 6: Well I would advise doing what you gotta do to get out. I would speak with your ex and ex-friend about not wanting to stay, so either they can go or you will. Good luck!

> OOP: You know the cherry on top, I don’t even think I can be removed from the lease because my ex doesn’t have a job out here. So my ex and ex friend can’t afford this place by themselves. > >> Commenter 7: Just stop paying. They will have to figure it out. >> >>> OOP: But that would ruin my rental history

Can OOP afford a place on his own?

> OOP: I can definitely look, but my name is still on this lease, and I can’t get off without everyone signing the paper. Plus, I’m the main person on this lease.

Commenter 8: Was your ex's name on the lease when you signed it and you just didn't notice? Or did they add your ex to the lease after you had already signed it?

> OOP: We were planning to move to Oregon together, so all three of us signed the lease with me as the primary. Since we hadn’t moved in and we broke up when I found out, he was using me to get to Oregon, I called the leasing office that same day. I guess this form that I needed to sign needed to be in person, so I was gonna do it when I picked up the keys into the final signature. Since my ex picked up the keys a couple days before me that never happened.

Commenter 9: There has to be a way to get out of that lease. What if it were a case of DV, or harassment? Would they make someone stay on the lease? That would be a liability on leasing company.

> OOP: I already told them that he punched holes in the previous apartment and had a meltdown. They said that they couldn’t really do anything unless there was legal documentation that forces him out like a restraining order. But even with a restraining order, they would still have to contact their attorneys to see if that was a way that I could go.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAsisterswed

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2, #3, #4

[New Update]: AITAH for telling my parents they were deserve to be kicked out of my sister’s wedding.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU. Thanks to u/zipper1919 & u/frankzzz for letting me know about the latest update!

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability, removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!health scare, sexism, entitlement, bullying, favoritism, golden child syndrome, emotional abuse and manipulation!<

RECAP

Original Post: May 15, 2025

This is a throwaway as my brother is on reddit and I don’t want him knowing my real account name.

So, my 37f, brother Mike 35m, is a knob. Always has been and always will be. He has been babied to the point of uselessness by our mum and dad and that's made him an entitled slob.

When he was younger he showed promise playing Rugby which had my mum and dad believing he was gonna be a superstar. The problem was though that he never had the work ethic to fully fulfill his potential. However this meant that he was the golden boy of the family and he could do wrong in my parents eyes.

He was a bully at school, which they brushed off as other kids making up lies, but he was an even bigger bully at home to our younger sister Kelly 31f. He would constantly 'prank' here. Which basically meant he would do anything he could embarrass her, including things like pulling her dress up in front of the whole family at a wedding when she was 15. Mum and dad just said it was siblings being siblings, but the rest of the family were mortified by his behaviour.

I did try and stick up for my sister, and it worked to a certain extent, but after I went to away to Uni, there wasn't much I could do as mum and dad just don’t listen to anyone.

It got so bad that when she was 18, my sister gave up going to her dream University, St Andrews and instead moved to London to go to the Imperial College London. This was a huge shock to all of us as she had been talking about St Andrews since she started high school at 11. When I asked why, she said that St Andrews was too close to home and she would be expected to go back home more often, but if she went to London she would only have to go home for Christmas. This broke my heart.

After she left, she did exactly that, the only time she was home was Christmas and when I got married. This really annoyed mum and dad as they said she was abandoning the family. I kept my mouth shut and just let them whine occasionally as I didn't want an argument.

After graduating from Uni my parents expected her to move back home, but she didn't. She got a job working in southern England and stayed down there. We are from Scotland for reference.

Six years ago, Kelly met a great guy, Jake, 30m. The day she met him she called me gushing about him and I've honestly never heard her speak about anyone the way she does him. I've met him several times when I've gone down to visit Kelly and he's great. Good looking, funny, great job, his family are lovely and most importantly, he treats Kelly like she hung the moon. It’s very cute.

After she met him, she cut down how much she came home even more as she spent the first Christmas with his family and then the pandemic happened, so she ended up not coming home for 3 years.

Her first Christmas home Mike started his usual bullshit, trying to be there center of attention. When it didn't work out as well as he wanted, as most of the family were more interested in getting to know Jake, he then tried to 'prank' Kelly. He got a big bowl of water and was going to pour it over her. Jake saw what was happening and stepped in front of Kelly telling Mike to not even think about it. Side note, Jake is 6ft 3 and a has been doing martial arts since he was 4, so he can be very intimidating when needed.

Mum and dad tried to play it off as a harmless prank, but Jake was having none of it. Mike started whining about it just being a prank and Jake told him that if he 'pranked' Kelly one more time, he would 'prank' Jake by putting his foot up his arse and his fist down his throat. Kelly and Jake left about an hour later, but after that Mike, mum and dad all had an issue with Jake. Kelly hasn't been back home since.

That leads us to now, Kelly and Jake are getting married. They sent out invites in February for August. However, they didn't invite Mike. Mum and dad are obviously incensed by this and had a huge argument with Kelly. They threatened not to go, and Kelly just said no problem she would get grandad to walk her down the aisle.

I went around to their house on Saturday with my kids. Immediately my mum started complaining about Kelly and the wedding. I sat and listened for a while before I'd had enough. I asked her what did she actually expect? Her and dad have allowed Mike to be the golden child and get away with everything. Because of that, he can't keep a relationship, due to him thinking everyone should do everything for him, he can't hold down a job because every job is beneath him and he still living at home with zero prospects in life. The man-child is a bully who I don’t trust to be around my children unsupervised. He bullied Kelly for most of her teen years, and her only escape was to move over 400 miles away and never come home.

My mum got very quiet and then asked me to leave. A few hours later my dad called going mad because I'd upset my mum and was taking the side of an ungrateful little girl instead of my parents who gave me everything. This started a huge argument between me and him where I told him he'd been a crap dad to Kelly and didn't deserve to walk her down the aisle.

I’ve just had enough, but now I've got extended family members telling me I've gone too far as my mum is barely speaking to anyone and keeps crying. My grandad said it was about time I told them off, but my grandma is upset by all the arguing. So AITAH for telling my parents that they sucked a parents and deserved to be kicked out of my sister’s wedding?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

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Update #1: May 18, 2025 (three days later)

Hi all, that post took off a lot more than I thought it would. There was way too many comments for me to respond to, but I tried to read every one of them. I was asked for an update so here it is.

There were a few things that came up repeatedly, so I'll address them first. The "pranks" only started after I had left and gone to Uni. He would say things to Kelly, and I would have a go back at him when we were younger, but it wasn't anything more than that until after I'd left home so there wasn't anything I could really do to stop it. I did speak to our parents, but they're useless.

Second thing was about my kids. I didn't bring my kids around them very much as they didn't like going to my parents’ house. They said it was boring and they don’t like Mike. However, after all the comments I got about this, I sat them down and asked them again. For my daughter it really is just that she finds it boring and says that Mike is a weirdo. My son however, said that he doesn't like being around my dad as he keeps trying to make him play Rugby. I have heard these comments and told my dad to drop it, but he would still make the comments occasionally. I had no idea that it was upsetting my son though, so this surprised me. My son doesn't like sports, be it watching or playing. He's very much like his dad in that regard. He's a Pokémon kid, playing online and goes every Thursday evening to play in a tournament at our local card shop, so Rugby is an absolute no go for him.

The third thing was about security at the wedding. I spoke to Kelly and Jake and Jake said that two of his groomsmen are police officers who are aware of the situation, so that won’t be a problem.

Lastly there was a lot of comments about Mike being the golden child. For a bit more back story, he wasn't really the favourite until his talent in Rugby came to light. After that, he was special and had to be treated that way. I think he was seen as Mum and Dad's way of being special themselves within the family as they had such a super talented child.

Anyway, today, I decided to sit down with my parents and tell them I needed a break from them. When I got there my dad immediately wanted me to apologise to my mum, but I said that wasn't going to happen.

There was a bit of back and forth between him and I, until my mum stepped in and asked why I was there if not to apologise. I told them that I'd spoken to Kelly and she didn't want them at the wedding at all. That they needed to stay away and respect her decision. They weren’t happy but said they wouldn't go where they weren’t wanted.

I then told them I wanted space until after the wedding as I couldn't keep being around them and keeping my mouth shut. I thought that space would be good for all of us.

My mum wasn't happy and started on about seeing my kids. I told them the truth, my kids hated coming to their house and told my dad exactly why my son doesn't want to be around him. He got upset by this and said that rugby would be good for him. I shut that down and said I'm not going to force my son to do something he does want to and something I know he will hate. I also told him that if I hear him mention it around my son again then he won’t see my son again. Right now they will only be seeing my kids at family events, so I'm hoping that it won’t be a problem.

I then asked them what their long term plan was with Mike. Are they going to keep things the way they are until there 90 and mum will still be making his all his meals? What happens when they're gone, who will look after him because it won’t be me? What happens if they get ill? Who will look after them? Mike is incapable, Kelly lives down south and I plan on moving back to my husband’s home town 3 hours away once the kids have left home, so I can't do it.

They just looked at me blankly. I really don't think that they had ever even thought about any of that before. I told them they had set Mike up to fail and now they needed to deal with it. I also told them I knew that they were leaving everything to him in their will, but that with how they have babied Mike, he would blow through that money in less than a year and then what. I could see the panic in my mums eyes when I said that. She either hadn't thought about it, or she thought I would look after him, which she now knows isn’t gonna happen. I also think she was shocked that I knew about their will.

After me telling them what low contact with me was going to look like going forward and them not being happy about it, I left. Hopefully I've given them a lot to think about.

I will check in with them from time to time, but that's all right now. I’m going to visit Kelly in the next couple of weeks, so I'm looking forward to that.

My extended family have also backed off after I sent them all a text saying if they were so concerned about my mum then they could be her support system and deal with Mike the same way Kelly and I have had to for years. Not surprisingly, none of them wanted too.

Otherwise, I'm going to just try and get on with things as normal. Thanks for the NTA verdict and all the advice, it opened my eyes to a few things that I'd been brushing off.

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Quick Update: August 16, 2025 (nearly three months later from Update #1)

Quick update

Hi all, sorry I went MIA, but I’ve been super busy. Not with this issue, but just with life in general.

So Kelly got married last weekend and everything went without a hitch. Our parents and Mike didn’t even try to attend, but I know that Mum did try and contact her a few times before the wedding via other family member. Kelly wasn’t interested and made that clear by not responding and/or threating the family member that they would be uninvited as well. That put an end to it.

Mike is still a drain on society according to a cousin of ours. I don’t know first-hand as I’ve not been in contact with him at all. I’ve spoken to Mum and Dad once since the last post and they haven't changed so I don’t have the energy to deal with them. My kids don’t miss them one bit either, so it’s not been a problem keeping the kids away from them.

Right now, I'm just going to get on with my life with my husband and kids. I’ve been talking to Kelly a lot more since all of this, which is a huge positive to come out of it.

Sorry that there were no dramatics, like Mike and our parents trying to storm the wedding, but everything went smoothly. Thanks for all the comments and advice in my previous posts.

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some progress: November 27, 2025 (a bit over three months later from the previous update)

Some progress

Hi all, I said I would update if anything changed and something has started too. I think my mum has finally woke up and seen the light when it comes to Mike.

It was my son's birthday 2 weeks ago and my mum reached out to say she had got him some presents. I was a little reluctant to accept the presents as in the past they've all be rugby based, but she promised that they weren't this time, so I let her come around to my house and give them to my son. Turns out my son is easily bought lol. A friend of my mums had gone to Seoul on holiday in October and my mum had asked her to bring back some Pokémon cards if she could find any. My son loves Asian Pokémon cards and has a whole separate binder just for them. She brought back 20 packs back for him. My mum also got him a Pokémon backpack and a teddy and Funko pop of his favourite Pokémon. She had really put a lot of thought into what he likes and even gone to our local card shop and asked there about what to get him. Needless to say, my son was ecstatic.

To me this showed that she was really trying and after that I agreed to meet her for lunch a few days later. She told me that her and my dad were fighting all the time because of Mike. She had put her foot down and said that Mike needs to get a job and stick with it and that she isn’t going to give him any more money. My dad defended Mike, no surprise there, and said he just needed more time to find himself. This had led to loads of arguments and my mum going on strike. She isn't cooking for either my dad or Mike and isn’t doing their washing or ironing. This is something she had done before when she is royally pissed off. She said that I was right when I told her that they weren't helping Mike by babying him and he needed to grow up.

I was a little shocked by this, but very happy about it. I am speaking to her regularly again and she seems to be adamant about Mike getting and keeping a job. I’m still a little reluctant to trust her fully as she could very easily go back to how she was before, but I’m calling this a little bit of progress. My dad still has his head up his arse though, no change there.

Anyway I had a spare 10 mins and thought I’d keep you all updated. We will see how Christmas goes and if my mum backs down, but fingers crossed she has turned the corner.

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Hi all: March 19, 2026 (nearly four months later from the previous post)

I said that I would update after Christmas, but life got complicated. I found out I was 4 months pregnant in early January, which was definitely not on my bingo card, and I’ve been busy trying to get ready for our little boys arrival.

Kelly is doing great, she super happy with Jake and is over the moon that she is going to be an Aunty again. I saw her over new year when she stopped off on her way to Edinburgh for Hogmanay, which was great.

My mum stayed with her sister over Christmas and New Year as she needed a break from Mike and Dad, who went to Dad's parents. Dad is still fully enabling Mike, but mum has really turned a corner. I think her nearly losing both her daughters and grandchildren got through to her and she has realised that her and dad have set Mike up to fail as well as not being fair to us. She is trying to get Mike to get a job and be a productive member of society, but dad is still giving him money and making his life as easy as possible, so Mike hasn’t changed at all. This has lead to mum and dad arguing constantly, so she decided to be away from them over Christmas and when she went back, she moved into mine and Kelly's old room. She is still on strike, as she puts it, so isn’t cooking, washing, cleaning or really doing anything in the house. I don’t know what will happen with mum and dad, but things can’t stay like they are right now.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with mum. She has been coming around and making tea 3/4 times a week, her cooking is amazing so myself and my husband are not complaining. She is also ecstatic about another grandchild. She's been making a lot of effort with my son and daughter. My son trying to teach her how to play Pokémon, is arguably the funniest thing I've ever seen. Me and my daughter couldn’t stop laughing. She has also been spending time with my daughter going to the cinema as my daughters favourite thing to do.

She wrote Kelly a letter apologising for everything and they had a long phone conversation in January. Kelly has gone from no contact with her to low contact, which is more than me or mum thought would happen. Myself and Kelly are still no contact with dad and Mike.

That’s about everything. I think dad is a lost cause, but I’m happy that mum seems to have turned the corner.

OOP on giving her mum some space or room in case if Mum needs it.

> OOP's only comment in this latest post: She has a room at her sisters which is 5 minutes away from me. She knows that if she wants to leave then she can move in with her sister and would have my full support. My auntie's husband died a few years ago so she lives alone and I actually think she would love it if my mum moved in.

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Me again: May 2, 2026 (over 1.5 months later from the last update)

Me again

Hi all,

Just another quick update. My mum is now living with her sister. I don’t know exactly what was said, as my mum won’t tell me, but basically my brother is a dick and so is my dad.

I fainted at work last week due to low blood pressure and was rushed to hospital where I had to stay for 2 nights. I'm now officially on maternity leave and have to rest. Doctors say that everything looks fine and there's no signs of premature labour or pre-eclampsia and baby boy is just fine, but to be on the safe side I need to take things easy.

I don’t know about anyone else, but when I'm ill I want my mum. My mum has had her shortcomings, but she's always been the one that looks after me when I’m ill. So, as soon as id told my husband I was at the hospital I called my mum and burst into tears. She was at the hospital before my husband was and has barely left my side since. She’s also been a huge help with the kids and making sure we are all fed delicious meals.

On my second day at the hospital, something happened with my brother. All I know is that mum had gone home after visiting hours had ended and my brother had said something horrible about me and my baby. My mum was furious and shouted at him. Of course, my dad backed up his special little boy and this lead to my mum screaming at my dad that he was a monster and a terrible human being. She then called her sister who went around and helped my mum pack her things. So she has been living with my auntie since Wednesday. All of this I have found out through my auntie as my mum refuses to speak about it. She won’t even tell my auntie what my brother said, so it must have been bad.

Dad thinks my mum is just being dramatic and will be back soon, but my mum has said she isn’t going back and wants nothing to do with my brother or my dad. She’s even joked about getting money from her half of her and dad's house so she and my auntie can travel. I really hope she does that.

My dad hasn't even contacted me to see if I’m ok, so I’m officially done with him as well. Just thought I’d give another update as and people are still reaching out and my husband and kids are out whilst my mum is busy cooking, and I’m trying to find something to watch on Netflix. Growing up we had 5 channels and there was always something to watch, now we have hundreds and multiple streaming platform, and I can’t find a thing lol.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/secret_anonymous12

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Previous BoRU posted by KittenDealinMama

[New Update – One Year Later]: AITA for saying I would stay at my mom’s if I had to share a room with babies?

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: >!manipulation, possible bullying!<

RECAP

Original Post:July 20, 2023

I’m 16f. My parents split up before I was born, custody is I live with my dad most of the time and my mom every other weekend (plus random staying with her if I want) Recently, my dad got engaged to “Hanna”, and she and her kids are moving in. Hanna’s kids ages are: 9, 7, 2, 2, 2. She is widowed, so they live with her full time.

This made room arrangements a bit awkward, since there’s only 3 kids bedrooms to go around. Dad and Hanna talked it over last night (without consulting anybody) and Hanna came over this morning to announce with my dad what they decided. Apparently, they want 9 and 7 to each have their own rooms, and me to share with the triplets because my room is significantly bigger than the others “and I don’t stay there full time”.

I said their plan was stupid, they wanted me to share with 3 toddlers. They said they didn’t want me to move but it was the biggest room so other people should share. I said I didn’t care if I switched rooms, because the more logical move would have been the triplets in the big room, 7 and 9 share, and I get my own (I said I’d take the smallest one) until I move out. They said it would be more work to move my things to another room, and their idea was more “practical”. Then asked why I was so pressed since I don’t even live here full time.

I said not staying in the room four days a month was a sorry excuse to land me with a bunch of toddlers, and if they seriously planned on doing it to me I’d make the custody arrangement change and I’d stay with mom for the most part (I know she doesn’t mind because both of them remind me I could stay with her whenever I wanted).

This made Hanna cry because she just wants her family to blend together nicely and apparently I was ruining her plans. This made dad mad at me, and I’m not allowed to talk to Hanna until she forgives me. I didn’t know this meant so much to them but I’m still saying I’ll stay with mom longer if I have to share with toddlers, but my dad made me feel a bit guilty so AITA?

UPDATE #1: I’m at my mom’s house at least for the weekend while the adults ‘try to work things out’ but my mom said I was welcome to live with her full time and if I really wanted we could change the custody agreement. :) Also thank you for all the replies I really wasn’t expecting this to blow up as much as it did lol

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. They KNOW what they are doing to you. They only act like they don't. You sharing with the triplets makes you care for them at night and as soon as their bed time begins.

It is not practical at all, where should you hang out between their and your bed time? Living room with them?

I would assume Hanna wants you to leave and your dad either wants you to babysit or simply doesn't actually care if you are there, but they want you to the bad guy.

Commenter 2: NTA. Hanna thinks the best way for her “family” to “blend together nicely” is to instantly make her step-daughter the free babysitter for her 3 Toddlers??

Dang, like… at least the evil step-mother waited till Cinderella’s father died, not just made her a free maid instantly

Also, your dad kinda sucks, who in their right mind would want to share a room with 3 toddlers? Let alone someone that’s almost an adult? He’s favorizing his step-kids over his bio daughter to keep Hannah happy, and he’s willing to make YOU sacrifice things like your privacy

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Editor's note: OOP made the updates onto the same post with the original

Update #2: July 23, 2023 (three days later)

UPDATE #2 (because somehow I’m still getting responses to this?): everyone talked, but dad and Hanna are staying with their decision and I’ve decided to move to my mom’s long term, and we’re gonna switch the custody around (so I’ll only see my dad every other weekend) and I’m just gonna sleep on the couch when I’m there.

Obviously nothing is set yet but that’s what we’re gonna do, and thanks everyone for being so nice haha

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the next update is over 1.5 years old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub

Update #3: August 9, 2024 (over one year later from the previous update)

UPDATE 1 YEAR LATER: I still get messages here I just found this account again haha, so I thought I’d update whoever sees this lol.

I still live with my mom and I love it here. Hanna openly dislikes me, so I don’t even stay for weekends anymore at my dad’s house, we call sometimes but it’s what it is I guess. Hanna’s kids are fine, but I only see them on holidays.

Also: Hanna’s pregnant again and 7 and 9 (now 8 and 10) are going to share a room. So I guess it wasn’t too much work in the first place she just hated me. Lol

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/anonymouswifeaccount

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

My husband lied about getting laid off

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!betrayal, exploitation!<

Original Post: October 18, 2025

I found out a week ago, but I've only just calmed down enough to be able to talk about it. I'm not ready to share my dirty laundry in public yet but I need to tell somebody about it.

In May my husband lost his job. He said his entire division had been laid off because their jobs were outsourced. Then last week I happened to run into my husband's former colleague and his wife while I was out at the shops. From my conversation with his former colleague it came to light that my husband quit because the company mandated all employees to come into the office two or three days a week and my husband wanted to stay remote. I was so humiliated because I expressed sympathy to his former colleague about the layoffs only to find out there wasn't any.

When I confronted my husband he admitted it. He said he didn't think it would be a problem since I was already making more than him. I've been working as much overtime as I can get at the hospital to keep our heads above water.

Come to find out my husband voluntarily left his job AND has only been applying for fully remote jobs instead of looking for any job he could get. He admitted all of it.

If his decision just affected him it would be one thing. We have a six year old. I've been feeling guilt for months about being away from her so much because I've been working as many shifts in the A&E as I can get.

My husband says he is sorry, but something has broken between us, and our marriage cannot be fixed. I spent months bottling my feelings about him not working and doing less chores because I thought he was depressed about losing his job. He kept saying how guilty he felt about not working and I didn't want to add to it. I kept thinking as soon as he found another job everything would be fine. Meanwhile he's been having a holiday sitting at home while I ran myself ragged keeping us above water.

I am moving out of our flat as soon as I can find another place for myself and my daughter. I don't care what my husband has to say. Every time he apologises it just makes me angrier. I'm don't want to tell anyone until I find somewhere else to live but I needed to get this out before my anger consumes me and I lose it in front of my daughter. I didn't even know it was possible to be this angry.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: He isn’t paying the bills, kick his ass out

> OOP: Unfortunately that's not how it works. Since his name is on the lease there is nothing I can do to make him leave. I've sought legal advice on this matter, and he has as much legal right to our flat as I do.

Commenter 2: This is a major issue. When I lost my job, my wife who had just given birth about 6 months before, found a job literally that day at a warehouse. I found a new job less than 6 weeks later, but she was determined to help however she could to make sure our new family made it.

Your husband is being shamefully self-centered. And if he doesn't see that you need to sit down and talk to him until he does. I'd be fails to see it, you have to talk about what that means for your future together. I'd be very pissed myself.

> OOP: I've already told him that there is no future for us because he broke something in our marriage. I don't want to talk to him. Every time he talks about it or apologises, it just makes me angrier.

Commenter 3: Don't question yourself. It IS intentional. He's an adult and he knows what he is doing. Give him a timeline. If he doesn't have a job in 30 days, tell him you want a divorce because he is NOT being a partner. He is leeching off of you, and he doesn't have any shame about it. Get serious with him and put your foot down. You deserve better and if he can't be better for you and your child, then give him the same back. No more free rides. Love yourself first and don't drag yourself through hell just so he doesn't have to help out.

> OOP: As I mentioned in my post my marriage is over. Even if he got a job tomorrow, and even if he became the primary earner for the first time in our marriage I would still leave him. There is nothing he can do to fix this.

Commenter 4: I recommend speaking with a lawyer IMMEDIATELY to learn your options. There’s no reason to leave the home and uproot your child. HE can leave.

> OOP: I've already sought legal advice. Since both of our names are on our lease, I cannot legally kick him out or make him leave. He has just as much legal rights to our flat as I do.

OOP responds to a long thread regarding consulting with a lawyer and then cutting her husband off financially

> OOP: This is the opposite of all the legal advice I received. I was cautioned against withdrawing financial support, canceling anything or taking money from our bank accounts.

> Thank you for explaining and I apologise for misunderstanding the state part. I don't live in the United States or anywhere that has states, so I was initially confused. > > All of the legal advice I received said I will be 'shooting myself in the foot' if I withdraw financial support or taking money from our bank accounts. I was advised it will go against me in the divorce proceedings and cause issues for me.

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Update: May 1, 2026 (over 6.5 months later)

UPDATE: My husband lied about getting laid off

I first posted just over six months ago. My update is not terribly long or exciting but there have been changes. I have moved out of our flat. Living separately and having some breathing space from my husband has helped with my anger towards him in the day to day. I am obviously still hurt and angry.

Originally my husband said he would not contest our divorce. Last week he changed his mind, and he is contesting it now. We both had solicitors and were working towards an agreement regarding our finances and our six year old daughter. Now my husband has decided to contest the divorce.

My solicitor says it will not stop me from being able to get a divorce. Another piece of good news is that although my husband still doesn't have a job, my solicitor says I will most likely not have to pay him any spousal maintenance. Even though I was always the higher earner in our marriage the difference in our salaries was not enough to warrant it. And now that he had chosen not to work he cannot claim he needs my support. I may still have to pay him child maintenance depending on how much time he has with our daughter.

It still feels like I am barely keeping my head above water because I can't withdraw financial support yet. I can once the finances have been settled, and my solicitor says the court will not look kindly on my husband if he tries to delay that. My main focus is my daughter and making sure this affects her as little as possible. That is my update. I appreciate anyone who commented with support after my first post.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/throwaway____27

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Previous BoRU

[Repost]: AITA dad gave the business to brother, so I left

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability and added relevant comments for more context

Trigger Warnings: >!manipulation, betrayal, favoritism!<

Original Post: June 11, 2021

AITA dad gave the business to brother, so I left

My older brother (30M) went to university and then worked in the city as an accountant, I (27M) stated to work for my dad as a plumber at 15 and went to college to get my qualifications in plumbing and gas, about the time covid started my brother moved back from the city and started working for my dad (55M) in accounting, my dad has been unwell for the last 4 years due to asbestosis it has been really hard on the family and he is getting worse but is still loving life.

I have been running the business for the last 2 years we have expanded and now have 50 vans in the fleet and one qualified and one trainee allocated to each van, covid was hard in the beginning but we have bounced back, my dad still works on tools with me on Fridays (half day then back to my place for some beers), Friday is the only day I'm on tools now as I'm doing everything to run the business.

well last month he told the family he is stepping down from the business due to health and wants to spend more time with my mother, and is giving the business to my brother and for me to step down from acting CEO, this upset me I've been with the business for 12 years, at the beginning it was only me and my dad my brother never wanted to be in the business said it was not worth his time and now he’s the boss, and I’ve been dumped back to a heating engineer with a £20,000 (editor's note: close to $27,140 USD) pay cut, he doesn’t have any clue what we do or how to do it.

I spoke to my dad, and he told me that my brother deserve it for all he has done, that he has a family and I don’t and that he went to uni, a lot of the workers are upset about the decision and have told me they will go where I go.

I told my dad that if that is how he feels then I will leave and start my own business I have not spoken to my dad or brother since and have told them to never contact me, for the last month I’ve had thousands of calls and messages from family saying some very hurtful things and telling me I’m ungrateful for what I have so AITA???

EDIT I want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words there are so many to reply to I will do my best to thank you all, to hear my father tell me in his own way he doesn’t think I’m good enough was hard and for my family to take his and my brother side was even harder.

In the morning I will contact the large clients I’ve worked with over the last 6 years I know we had some site postponed due to covid (big money), and will try and take them over I have 20 of my colleagues wishing to come work for me I’ve saved nearly all of the money I have earned over the last 12 years so think I have enough to get myself on my feet.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses onto the original post, I am listing the significant details for more context to the situation

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA - sounds like either some “he’s older” or “he’s smarter because uni” bias from your dad. If your brother knows so much, you really don’t need to be there at all do you? /s. Leave them all to it and leave. Staying after all this drama will still be awful

> OOP: My father has away gone on about how his son went to uni and is loving life in the city it never bothered me till I realized he never spoke about all the stuff I had done for myself or the company

Commenter 2: You should seek legal advice OP. Poaching their clients could land you a law suit. I am not giving legal advice at all, and you need to speak to a local business law specialist.

> OOP: I've looked my contact and have found nothing perks of being a son of the owner but will be taking to a lawyer to make sure they can come after me for anything

Commenter 3: NTA at all. At least your father could have split business 50/50. Brother in charge of accounting side. You in charge of production. I would make that offer back. If father refuses. I would cut contact.. Block relatives. I would go start my own business. Never look back.. Brother turned back on family business while you worked our arse off to build business.

> OOP: To be honest that’s what I thought was going to happen and was happy when my brother came back to be one big family company I talk to my father, but my brother has always been the golden child

Commenter 4: NTA. I would answer all these messages with "12 years. 12 years I have labored for this company, for our family. For what? To be thrown aside for someone who has never shown interest in this business? Don't say I'm ungrateful, as I've put in the work. If I have so little value to the business, then stop me from leaving? You won't miss what you can easily discard."

> OOP: Thank you it was hard to hear it when my father told us the first 2 year he couldn’t pay me much as he was trying to start up the business I was on £20 (editor’s note: about $27USD) a week I was only 15 but was not easy working 7 days a week from 6 in the morning to 8 at night all the stuff I missed going out with friends going clubbing doing dumb stuff kids do to be looked down on by my family was hard

Commenter 5: I don't know the law in Britain (assuming because of £) but I'm my country there are strict laws governing companies, including the board of directors and execs. Did they go through the proper channels to fire or demote you? Was there a reason for the demotion. Do you deserve severance or compensation? What type of company is it?

> OOP: Due to the size and not having a board my father holds all rights and final decisions even as acting CEO he can overrule me in favour of something or someone else I have no say

Commenter 6: NTA. I agree with others, I really don’t understand the motive behind this.

> OOP: My father has away been more favourable towards my brother they are basically the same person, I don’t understand why myself and it makes me even more upset that he did it he has away told me that I will take over and that he wants me to carry on the business but then gives it to my brother

Commenter 7: Can you be clear if the decision involves handing over the entire shares of the business to your brother or rather your share of any future inheritance? I am curious what your mother thinks of all this? The move by your Dad is extremely hurtful and cannot even be justified by favouritism... Respectfully, Is it possible you aren't a biological son?

> OOP: Everything has been signed over to him I have no say if my father was to die today there would be no share in the business to be split, and the hardest part was to watch my mother cry telling my brother how proud she is of him and how he deserved it. And sometime I question it

Commenter 8: NTA. And it needn't have been this way. Even if your father wanted to have your brother in the business, co-ownership would've been an option. Many businesses have one person that has the technical knowledge and one person that has business/accounting knowledge.

> OOP: To be honest that would make sense he know more than I do about the accounting side and stuff like that and I know the business and what are boys need to do their job and to do it safety and I know the clients some are old school and like to talk business over dinner or golf and that was some of the best times I’ve had strange to think I’m a plumber play on some of the best golf courses in the world

Commenter 9: NTA There is something more going on. Could be as others have said and your dad is just a narcissist. There is no reason he couldn't have split the company ownership up, even if not 50/50. Bad enough that the person who has been running the company doesn't get the company, but the business has 50 vans, and they feel it necessary to cut your pay? That is just adding insult to injury. Obviously they believe you can be replaced. Let them.

> OOP: To be honest I’m not sure what’s going on over the last year my brother and father have spent a lot of time together even though my father has a lung condition I try not to spend a lot of time around due to covid, but we talk on the phone every day before it all happened and as soon as we all had are vaccines we would be together nearly every day.

OOP on not mixing business and family

> OOP: Working with family is the hardest thing in the world, me and my dad have had our ups and downs both in the business and in are relationships but always came back together and got it done after talking to people I can see why he might have chosen my brother he’s had more experience in large companies but he’s has no idea about the industry I don’t understand why they would drop me in an engineer with everything I know

Commenter 10: INFO: First, I am really sorry to read this story, it makes me sad and angry for you. What a betrayal. I am really curious about one detail here, because it seems so weird and petty from your brother. Did he tell you why he demoted you and cut your salary by 20,000? Because those two things are hostile on the face of it, and it makes me wonder why your father (and your brother for that matter) expected you to suck it up and deal. And I am also curious as to if your dad had a response to that event.

> OOP: My brother has never like how well I did without going to uni and after talking to everyone on here I believe it’s more of a revenge thing.

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Editor's note: OOP made all updates onto the same post with the original

Update #1: June 12, 2021 (same post, next day)

Update 1 I want to inform everyone that I’m not starting a business to destroy my brother, as much as I want to I’ve spent almost 13 year build it and I don’t want to see anyone out of a job or for the business to die it’s about 0500 in England you have all helped me so much.

I will be going over to talk to my father about 0800 and take him out for breakfast and talk, I’m not sure if I will get a proper answer from him but I love my family and want my future kids to know them.

I will update after the events of later today.

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Editor’s note: OOP was likely to make the next two updates throughout the day, as the dates were not given on when the updates were made

Update #2: June 12, 2021 (same post, same day, hours later)

Update 2: as I said in one of the comments I believe my family had found my post and they did.

This morning when I arrived at my parents’ house my mum opened the door and looked like she had been cry a lot my dad came over to talk to me and we went out for breakfast, he didn’t say a word on the way there or when we arrived, when on the way back he asked if we could pull over and talk I can honestly say this was the first time I saw my dad cry, I asked why he did this to me he said doesn’t know I keeper pushing and he finally told me he owed it to my brother for not being about for him as much as me when we were growing up and there was times my brother needed him but we was working.

I couldn’t believe it after 12 years of hard work that was his reasoning I told my father I had spent half my life working to do everything for the business and how he throw me to the side just because he’s son came back hurt more than I could explain, he told me he knows as they had been shown the post I put up, to my surprise he wasn’t mad he seemed remorseful, he told me my mother has been in pieces after reading the comments about how bad she treated me and thinks I will never talk to them again, my dad told me after reading it all he released he should have split the business between us as it will need both of us to keep progressing and apologies to me for never telling me how proud he was of everything I had done and thought I know how proud he was, but my brother has full control my father has no say any more and my brother would never go 50/50, he told me he wants me to go back as my brother will need me I told him that’s not my problem anymore after the demoted me and cut my pay I tried to make it work for 3 weeks but my brother wouldn’t listen didn’t believe I know what I was talking about telling me he knows how to fund a business, so I left why work my ass off there when I could do the same work and make more money for myself.

My dad broke down said that he had destroyed the family and should never had done what he did I don’t understand why I took this long to release I was a valuable piece in the company.

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Update #3: June 12, 2021 (same post, same day, hours later)

Update 3: as I said I have had a couple of zoom calls with some clients today and they have gone very well, I have been informed that they we all be sending be signed proposal letters for the up and coming work, lucky the site start dates don’t clash that was one of the main things I was worried about, 3 of my colleagues have now left the business and have spoken to my dad informing him about why they left and that they will be coming to work with me under their own choice, to hear them tell me this meant a lot, they all have between 5 - 10 year more experience in the industry, at the moment I have all we need to start a new business with the 3 vans I own and tools I have built up over the years, I am looking forward to the new venture in my life and can’t wait to share this with my children when I have them.

Then I received a call from my father asking me to come over for dinner I was unsure at first but thought it was probably a step in the right direction, on arrival my whole family was there, I went in and the atmosphere dropped my mum wouldn’t look at me and my brother just sat there acting as if I didn’t exist, my dad came and asked me and my brother to come in to his office, he started to ask when I was going to return to the company as they need me in early Monday morning, I could not even believe what I was hearing I told them both I’m not coming back and have started my own company, and what does he mean we you gave the business to him (my brother), my brother stated to lose his temper telling me if I cared about to company why would I leave, I have some very choice words before telling him that I have always cared for the company and spent 12 years of my life working to make it successful, unlike him who swans in and takes all the glory and that I will not sit there and be treated like that, I told my brother to f**k off so I could talk to dad, I asked what was this morning all about telling me he’s sorry but then expects me to going running back, he couldn’t even look me in the eye so I left said goodbye to my cousin, nieces and nephews and walked out I’ve been riding for about 3 hours on and off coming back on here to talk to people.

I just want to say thank you to everyone for the personal message, comments, rewards and all the kind words and encouragement I’ll try and message everyone but I’m exhausted and will most likely fall asleep.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Best wishes on your new business venture, OP. I’m astounded that your father still expected you to turn up to work Monday morning as a salaried employee with no ownership or profit sharing in the company, or any job security for that matter. I also want to go on record to say that I think father is lying that he has completely and legally turned over ownership of the company to your brother. Complete management maybe, but not ownership.

Consider this: if your brother legally outright owns the company now, how will your father get a continuing income if your brother decides otherwise? Maybe your father has a contract with your brother about the income from the business your father and your mother will continue to receive? I suspect your father still has not been honest with you.

> OOP: It’s very confusing I’m not sure what my father games is right now but he has enough money to sit back and do nothing for the rest of his life

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Final Update: June 26, 2021 (two weeks later)

Update 4: sorry it’s been a while I’ve had a lot going on in the last couple of weeks, I'll try and explain the most I can, so the new business is going very well we have a lot of work coming in and making good money, at the end on the year I will be looking at expanding so very happy with that.

me and my fiancé are very happy she is very busy planning the wedding of her dreams she wants me to wear a suit but tough lucky I’ll be in my kilt, I couldn’t be happier than I am right now waking up to her every day, she is there for me no matter what and has been my rock through everything.

Then my family my father and brother still refuse to talk to me and have told me they will not be attending the wedding even though they haven’t been invited, my mother has called my fiancé but hasn’t said much only to ask about wedding stuff and will not talk to me, my fiancé family have been amazing my soon to be in-laws have been helping with the wedding and everything else and I am extremely thankful for everything they have done for us.

My other family have now backed off and apologised and want to make amends for everything that was said.

Myself and my fiancé are set to have are wedding in November, we sat down together and have decided to trying to have children after we are married, we are both excited to be parents.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Previous_Double_6231

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for swapping rooms with my roommate while he was away?

Trigger Warnings: >!destruction of property, manipulation!<

Original Post: April 27, 2026

I (19m) have been living with my roommate; “George” (20m) for about 6 months. We’ve been decent friends for a year or so, but it’s definitely been rocky since moving in together. For context, we go to different unis, and our schedules are completely different, so our breaks don’t really align.

A few weeks ago, we got in a bit of a fight. He wanted to have a bunch of his friends over and have a house party, but I had an exam the next day, and needed a bit of quiet. He was pretty pissed at me, and I didn’t really see him before I went home for my mid-semester break. While I was at home, the airline I would’ve been flying return with cancelled some flights (problems with the gas shortage), and I ended up having to come back a day early.

When I got back to the apartment, it stunk like beer and weed. The floor was a mess and dishes were piled up. I was a bit frustrated with the mess, but also figured George thought I’d be back the next day. I didn’t want to start another fight, given we’d left on sort of bad terms. That was until I opened the door into my room and saw three of George’s friends sleeping in my room, two on the floor and one on my bed. They seemed to have made themselves pretty comfortable, my stuff was still all there, but moved out of place. There were empty cans and bottles everywhere, alcohol and spew stains on the carpet and the room reeked. I was livid, and yelled at them to get out. This must’ve woken George up, he came out of his room looking pretty surprised. I demanded he cleaned everything up, and went out for a few hours for fresh air.

When I got back, he wasn’t there. He’d cleaned up a bit, the beer bottles were in the bin, and dishes were done etc, but my room still smelt, and was far from what it was before. I could see he’d made an attempt on the vomit and alcohol stains, but it seemed pretty half-arsed. The smell made me pretty nauseous, so I ended up sleeping on the couch (it was also gross, but not quite as bad) for the next few nights. Eventually it mostly aired itself out, but I was still pretty disgusted by some of the stains and lingering scents.

George never apologised for this, and we just didn’t talk much after the whole incident. I was pretty bummed, we were pretty good friends, and I would’ve been open to working through this to make the rest of our lease tolerable, but not without him owning up and apologising. 2 days ago he left for his break, and I’ve had the apartment to myself. I was tidying my room and found a ton of ants in my wardrobe, leading to some crumbs they must have left (I try not to eat in my room, and definitely wouldn’t have in my wardrobe). This was pretty much the final straw for me.

The lease has another 6 months on it, so I couldn’t move out, and decided that if George thought that was an okay way to leave someone's space, he could have it. It took me the whole day, but I ended up swapping out all our furniture. I set his clothes up in the wardrobe with the ants, remade his bed, and tried to recreate his room exactly. His room is a fair bit bigger than mine, with an ensuite and deck, but we both split rent evenly (he found the apartment, so claimed the better room first).

There’s barely any stains or smells in his room, and even if there were, the deck gives me a bit of a safe haven. Not sure why they decided my room was the place to dump everything.

At the time, I thought this was a fair enough response, but he’s coming back tomorrow and I’m rethinking it. I still have time to fix it. AITAH?

Editor's note: OOP updated hours later on the same day below

[UPDATE 1] Thank you for advice everyone! I really appreciate thoughts, opinions, etc. Although I acknowledge and understand everyone saying I should change it back, the little time I have had in my new room has been too good to let go of. I feel pretty justified by the support I received and don't feel like being the bigger person atm. I will talk to him when he gets back, so he doesn't just walk into the wrong room, and hopefully explain my position. To those asking about bolts, I will get a lock, but it's tricky, the apartment rules are pretty strict, but I will look into it. I will update everyone after it goes down! Thanks again for support and advice.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of all kinds, leaning toward NTA

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments here in the original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Dude, he's gonna lose his mind.

Talk to whoever you rent from, explain everything, say that you're doing so because you're concerned about the damage HE IS DOING TO THEIR PLACE because they are less likely to give a fuck about you.

He may have broken the lease terms, you might try to angle for having him removed.

At minimum, get a solid door bolt and ideally a camera for inside "your" room.

Brace for impact, and ideally have somebody else around with you, because this shit could get physical.

Very best of luck to you, I don't think you're the asshole at all, but I think this is gonna explode.

NTA

Commenter 2: NTA, but you’re gonna need a lock for your new room.

If it had just been beer - I’d say shampoo the rugs and take some money out of rent to cover it- but bug infestation and vomit is too far. It’s a bold move, but he crossed every line.

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Update: April 30, 2026 (three days later)

FINAL UPDATE! - AITAH for swapping rooms with my roommate while he was away.

I want to start off by saying thank you so much for everyone’s support and advice, really appreciate it. I did decide to keep the rooms switched. I also looked at the lease agreement, and was able to install the lock on my new room. When he got back, I sat him down in the living room, and explained what I’d done. I tried to explain why I was so frustrated, and how difficult it had been living in my new room, but he didn’t let me finish and ran over to look at his (now my) room.

When he saw that everything I said was true, he started yelling at me. He called me ‘psycho’ and that I had totally disrespected him. I tried to stay calm, but ended up yelling back at him. I told him that his actions were what had led me to do this, and that if he ever wanted to switch back, he needs to pay to professionally clean my old room and get rid of the bugs. He told me it wasn’t that bad, and I had way overreacted. Luckily, the fight didn’t get physical, but he did get very close at times. We definitely didn’t work it out, but he did seem to have somewhat accepted the new circumstances.

Turns out he had not accepted it at all. The next morning, I woke up to the landlord knocking at the front door. George had told the landlord that while he was away, I’d trashed my room and swapped with him. The landlord was furious about the ants and the stains in the carpet. I tried to explain what actually happened, including that George had been smoking weed in the apartment (which is illegal here), and the landlord did listen, but with no proof of when the apartment got trashed or who is telling the truth, said we’d both be liable. He said this was our first warning, and he’s giving us a week to clean it perfectly, or we’d be kicked out and lose our bond.

After the landlord left, George and I got right back into it. I demanded he pay to clean it up, but he completely refused. He said that he had done more than enough to try to clean it and wouldn’t consider paying for anything while I still had his room. I told him that he was an idiot for bringing the landlord into this situation, but apparently he’s got another place to crash and didn’t care. Knowing he had a different place, I realised I didn’t have much of a leg to stand on. My ego wouldn’t let me give up the room, let alone pay to get everything cleaned up, so I retreated to my room and locked the door to think things over.

I decided to text one of my friends to see if I could stay at theirs for a bit, just in case, and they said it would be fine. I knew George was going out later that night with his friends, and decided I would start moving some of my things over to my friend’s place. George ended up sleeping somewhere else and didn’t come home until late the next day, giving me enough time to get all my stuff out.

I'd basically moved out by the time he got home, at which point he sent me a text telling me not to come back and that he wouldn’t be getting anything cleaned. I sent a screenshot of it to the landlord, just letting them know that we would certainly be sacrificing the bond and our lease. I made sure to apologise to the landlord, not that it made much of a difference, but he seemed to appreciate it a bit. I’m now apartment hunting again and have blocked all contact with George. I’m typing this from the couch of my friend’s place where I’ll probably be for the next few weeks.

Thanks again for support, I guess I’ve learnt not to move in with my friends, and will be leasing by myself next time. Not sure whether I regret what I did or not. I still feel it was justified, but almost certainly not worth all the fall out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Sooo what happens with your old lease? Usually you have to pay a penalty if you leave early.

> OOP: Still sorting it out, but looks like we'll be fine, just have to pay the last fortnight.

Commenter 2: Ohhhh muchacho, I told you to collect proof and warn the landlord about this BEFORE George came back!

Either way, hope things work out and maybe see if you have screenshots of any other conversations with George with dates that show you asking him to clean or get his friends out of your house.

Idk if helpful but maybe show the landlord (in person) your reddit post with dates about asking for moving rooms and if it’s a good idea or not.

Commenter 3: Good luck on your apartment hunting. Whish the things had worked better for you but I could see that George is one of that people that takes no responsibility.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ikeasbitch

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for not telling my housemate I’m moving out and taking everything with me?

Original Post: March 27, 2026

This is long - apologies in advance

I’ve lived with my 2 friends in a house (rented room by room) for 10 months, and around 3 months into this a girl we don’t know moved in to fill the last room.

I was initially excited to have another girl move in as my 2 friends are guys, so I greeted her first when she moved in, but my excitement was quickly dulled as her first words to me weren’t “hello” but “what are your plans to clean this place up”. This annoyed me immediately as the place was in pretty good condition, but I explained the way we clean and tidy (clean up after ourselves with a weekly cleaning day) which happened to fall the day after she moved in.

I showed her around explaining what belonged to who, what was communal etc. and then let her settle in but there was already problems the next day when we found she had used various things of ours to cook and then half arsed washing them, leaving dirty food and stains on our dishes and utensils.

This happened a few times before one of my friends explained we didn’t mind her using our stuff until she got her own, provided she actually cleaned it after. She then shouted at me for 15 minutes even though I wasn’t the one that even brought it up and said I was trying to “look good in front of the boys” (Who have been my friends for years).

Cue the laundry list of issues we’ve faced over the past 7 months.

She uses the clothes drying racks 5 days a week not accounting for the other 3 of us in the house, still won’t clean our dishes, has cracked the wood on our chopping boards using them as lids for hot frying pans, leaves her hair all over the bathroom and kitchen floor, uses all of my freezer space leaving me with none, leaves the microwave and air fryer dirty, leaves pee and period blood on the toilet seat and takes my pads, tampons, razors etc. without asking. These are a quarter of our grievances which we have tried to address, only for her anger to be directed solely at me.

The house has never been in worse condition, and her only solution is to complain at us for the mess (90% of it is obviously hers) then ask us to send her money to buy cleaning products (we have plenty) and then not help with the weekly clean.

Me and my other 2 housemates have been looking for a reason to leave, and I just got a new job opportunity, so we took this chance to find a 3-bed flat to rent as a whole and are moving in next week.

The thing is that 90% of the things in this house are bought by us. We will be taking the toaster, microwave, kettle, drying racks, air fryer, our pots and pans, the iron, hoover, and much more.

Pretty much all our communication with her is now through me as the boys refuse to talk to her (for various other reasons), so I have decided to not even bother letting her know and let her find out when A - she notices people coming for viewings, or B - the moving van arrives.

We didn’t expect her to buy things we already used communally but she has maybe twice ever contributed to this household financially, so she can deal with buying her own stuff and learn to clean up by her own messes.

AITAH for not telling her?

EDIT!! As it’s a room by room renting situation she will NOT have to leave or experience an increase in rent or bills, and the landlord is the person organising viewings

EDIT 2! I’m not worried about taking my things obviously, I prayed for them, the same goes for the guys. This is about the fact that she will *not be aware* that there will be next to no household basics or furnishings until they’re gone.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: No you're not TA, but I strongly recommend you go ahead and remove anything that is very important to you and that she uses regularly and store it somewhere temporarily until move out day, so that if she figures it out, she can't mess with things that you truly value. She sounds petty and like someone who'd try to sabotage your stuff or take things.

> OOP: This is a very good point I may need to hide some things

Commenter 2: Obviously not. Why would taking your possessions make you the asshole?

> OOP: It’s more than I’m not telling her and basically leaving her with nothing on zero notice

Commenter 3: Nta. I’d slowly start taking my stuff. I would like to see her face though. Why didn’t the landlord just kick her out? Cheaper than getting 3 new people in there. My kid lives in a situation like this at college. They screen the people really well. They let all the roommates meet new person and they can veto them if they want. It’s worked pretty well.

> OOP: Honestly he’s kind of a useless landlord bless him - but as I’m moving for work anyways and it’s close to where my other roommates work we’re all just leaving

Commenter 4: I don't get it. If nobody likes her, why is she still living there? Are we missing something? Why not kick her out politely?

> OOP: It’s room by room renting rather than the whole property so only the landlord can kick her out

OOP's location and the legal process of notifying the landlord about moving out

> OOP: UK based - we gave our landlord just over a months’ notice which has been accepted so everything else is sorted

Downvoted Commenter: What’s up with the lease? Y’all are sure the spots will be filled?

Yes YTAH for not saying there’s a plan to move out. It’s a courtesy to say you’ll be taking your things as they aren’t tied to the Apt especially if she wasn’t made aware of the extent

> OOP: The rooms don’t need to be filled as it’s an HMO property. We gave the landlord adequate notice and it’s his responsibility to fill them under the contract! (editor's note: HMO = house in multiple occupation)

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Update: April 30, 2026 (one month later)

[Update] AITAH for not telling my housemate I’m moving and taking everything with me?

Posted about a month ago about nightmare housemate and my evacuation plan and I’m finally updating you all!

We actually did not move out when we were meant to as it turns out the prospective landlord did not have the correct licensing and couldn’t produce it when requested. Luckily still had some tenancy left, we got our deposit back and found a better and cheaper flat and moved in last week which is going great!

On to the roomie reaction…

She got home from work early and found me taping up a box with my door open and asked me, “Are you leaving?”. Turns out she knew this already, but still individually asked me and my housemates if we were leaving and asked us each to leave behind a few possessions so she had “just one thing”

We did not leave anything of ours except from our shower curtain which she had stained with hair dye (yes we took the toilet paper and cleaning supplies as she never bought any ever).

It was honestly quite a calm departure except from messages asking how much things were and last ditch efforts to get us to leave her things. and her telling me to take out the bin on my way out 😂

A few days later she rang me 4 times, but I didn’t see them as I was at work. When I did see the calls I just blocked her number and have never been in such bliss.

We can all walk around our flat without feeling uncomfortable and I haven’t been shouted at once in my own home (long may this continue) and the boys also stepped up on move out and laid down the law, so I had backup!

New job, new home, life is great

Thanks for all the advice 🙏.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I'm glad you were able to leave rather smoothly. Did you have to replace any of the stuff she (mis)used?

> OOP: We replaced our microwave because we couldn’t get the stink out of it (she genuinely cooked fish in it) but other than that and the chopping boards everything else is usable > >> Commenter 2: Still, I hope you didn't leave the microwave for her! Better to throw it out than leave her anything. >>> >>> OOP: We didn’t, I was feeling petty 😂.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Ambitious-Crow44

Originally posted to r/AITAH

WIBTAH for going no contact with my brother after he took advantage of my wife’s kindness for my surprise birthday dinner?

Trigger Warnings: >!possible bullying!<

Original Post: April 19, 2026

I (42M) and my wife Tanya (37F) have had a few very busy years. A few weeks before I turned 40, one of our kids was born at home unexpectedly and Tanya got really sick afterward, so my 40th basically didn’t happen. I was totally fine with it.

Fast forward to this year (yesterday), Tanya wanted to make up for not having a 40th and planned a surprise birthday dinner at a really nice (and expensive) restaurant I love. She invited my entire family — parents, siblings, and all the nephews and nieces.

A few days before the dinner, my mom texted Tanya and basically told her she should “clarify” that she (Tanya) is paying for everyone. Turns out my older brother Harris (48M) was on the fence about coming because money is tight for him. He originally thought it would just be him and his wife.

The second Tanya sent a kind text saying she’d be covering the meal for everyone, Harris immediately expanded his group from 2 to 6 people. He added his three adult children, one of their significant others, and his adult son’s girlfriend — without asking anyone. He just did it. Also, the night of the dinner one of them decided not to come. He also didn’t communicate this to Tanya.

The day before the dinner, another sibling, Shane (51M) asked Harris if he was looking forward to it. Harris’s response?

“Hell yeah, especially because we aren’t paying.”

He openly admitted he only brought a bunch of extra adults because it was free. He didn’t care that he was taking advantage of my wife’s generosity and our finances. To him, it was just a free night out.

During the dinner I had no idea that she was paying until she got the bill. And we went home. I had an absolutely wonderful time. On the way home, Tanya told me everything. The texts, the clarifying, the sudden shift and then not asking if his son’s girlfriend could come.

This isn’t the first time. For years Harris has been disrespectful toward me. He barely has any relationship with our kids — he’ll RSVP to their birthdays and then not show up. His wife says she’s coming almost every time but actually only appears when there’s an expensive free meal involved. This was just the first time he directly used and disrespected my wife.

After hearing all this, I told my wife I’m done. I’m going no contact with Harris. I don’t want him in our lives anymore if this is how he behaves the moment he sees an opportunity to get something for free.

So WIBTAH for finally drawing the line in the sand, cutting him off and going no contact outside of holidays?

Edit: For further clarification: the extra adults are my nephews, that he wasn’t bringing if he had to pay. They weren’t the issue. He also added a nephews girlfriend without asking and made those comments. That’s what burns me and it’s taking advantage of my wife. Further slights toward me were years prior - which included, but not limited to - not inviting my family to a summer BBQ because “someone else who isn’t family” was invited with their kids and then inviting me day of because that family backed out. I found out about this event from my dad, who was just as upset as me about the situation.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Edit 2: Also, during the dinner, there were two tables in the same private room but were separated by a fireplace that took up the middle of the room making it so you’d have to go to the other table to talk and such. The table I wasn’t sitting at that included Harris and his family - never once did any of them get up to come over to our table and yet, I went to theirs several times to talk and enjoy their company. The more I analyze the dinner, the more I see how I’m valued by them. The level of self-unawareness by them is astounding.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Warn your parents about what has been happening and strongly suggest to them to ensure that their finances and estate is secure.

> OOP: I did this about 2 years ago due to other concerns. They added me as an executor of their will and made me their health care proxy a few years before that.

Commenter 2: Why did your Mom call T to clarify that she was paying for everything? Why didn't she warn you? Or was she in on the scam?

> OOP: My mother took it upon herself to ensure they would come because he was concerned about the cost.I don’t think it was malicious. It was just…. Poor judgement.

Commenter 3: You also need to tell your wife that you do support her- that if anyone is pushing boundaries, she can say no and you will deal with it. Or whatever is needed that she would not let something like that happen again.

Get revenge before no contact. 😈.

> OOP: I did this first. I told her I appreciated her and that this was the final straw. Slights towards me I can handle. But doing something like this to the mother of my children? To the woman I love and would kill for? It’s unforgivable.

Commenter 4: NTA Sounds like you won’t really have to do much to actually go no contact. Just stop inviting him to stuff since you know he probably won’t come anyway. There’s no need to tell him anything about it and if anyone asks, that’s your line, “eh he never comes to these things, so I thought I’d save us both sometime and stop inviting him.”

When he gets wind of this, he’ll be mad because it “makes him look bad.” Don’t take the bait, just shrug and change the subject. > > Commenter 5: "He never comes to these things unless there is a free expensive dinner involved." > > > > OOP: I should specify “she only comes to things when there’s a free meal” meaning his wife. He shows up for some things.

Commenter 6: Why did neither mother nor wife stop him from adding extra people on someone else’s dime?

> OOP: So my wife was trying to be kind. She was understanding about the adult children, but adding the girlfriend after no response until he knew he wouldn’t be paying was ridiculous. She was appalled when she realized it. Then hearing about the comments was the cherry on top.

Commenter 7: Is this the first time your mom has asked you or your wife to “clarify who’s paying”? Is she an enabler of your brother’s greedy behaviour? I’ve seen this happen with my own family and it doesn’t end unless someone gets cut off 100 percent.

> OOP: This is the first time. I spoke to her today, discussed this situation with her, and she says she wishes she never asked T to because when she saw the number he said, she was afraid they were going to take advantage of it and her suspicions were found to be true at the dinner.

OOP responds to a comment about his brother trying to leech off another family member

> OOP: We’ll see. The looming question for me is - when will he actually notice I no longer respond to texts, him sending me reels or answering calls? I mentioned in another reply I work in medicine. I work in emergency medicine in a very busy place, you know when I hear from him? When his family needs to come see me and I always ensure they get in and are taken care of by the best, even when I’m not there. When I don’t answer or help. That’s when the dominoes will fall and he’ll blame me. The ego on a guy like him is beyond confounding.

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Update: April 26, 2026 (one week later)

So a lot has happened since my original post. I have had numerous discussions with my wife, my oldest brother Shane, my Dad and my Mom. There were a lot of deep conversations about the subject. Pros and cons. And some serious soul searching.

Harris (48), the subject of the last post has done some really messed up things this past year — no showing my oldest sons birthday and then calling an hour late with some lame excuse, saying he and his wife were showing to my younger sons birthday and he shows up acting like Melancholy Mary while his wife skipped out to go a casino (remember the money issues?). On a recent holiday, my pregnant wife was kneeling down with my kids, and he pulled her up and gave her a hug which is very out of character for him and my wife was like “what the fuck are you doing?” Mind you he thinks he’s god’s gift to everyone around him. He showed up to my oldest son’s basketball game when he was told when I wouldn’t be there, to show up the next weekend and that it was going to be my wife there. There were many years of different things.

Every conversation is somehow geared back towards himself. Mind you, his track record is very short and it’s like he’s always trying to compete with me. It’s sad to be honest. Not once in my career, changing specialities or anything I did, he never once checked in with me, while I did when he changed jobs after 20+ years at the same place. He gets angry when called out, so you cannot have any constructive conversation with him. He chooses friends over blood (the previous discussed cookout incident), he has a better relationship with one of my friends kids I grew up with than mine. There’s little to zero effort from them (I showed up to everything I was invited to before I had kids and the only thing I didn’t was because my family had Covid). Am I perfect? No. I have my faults but I look back and even when I rented an in law basement apartment from him, I’d move in for a short time (3-6 months) and each time he’d up the rent when he saw fit (once because I had a girlfriend that would spend the night, no she didn’t shower or eat their food), of which I stopped staying with him in my off months of a winter rental and swallowed my pride and stayed with my parents for 3 months and bought a house soon thereafter.

The conversation with my mother was the most enlightening, saying he was the most self-unaware person. Mind you, she is his primary defender but realizes how bad this is. She was sad about the state of his and my relationship, but she understood due to all the slights and issues I’ve had with him and when they are brought up he cannot handle talking about it if it’s about him. Everything is an attack. No such thing as constructive criticism.

Also, everyone else has contacted my wife or myself in one way or another and said thank you after the dinner. Not a single thing from that family. Not a word.

Everyone is in agreement with my decision - which is low contact. My father has a condition, and I don’t want to miss any time with him for the kids and myself, especially holidays.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It sounds like he's after your wife

> OOP: I felt off about the situation, but I didn’t witness it. He waited until I walked away. Which pisses me off even more. He called me at work when he was walking into the basketball game. I told him straight up I’m not there and I told you this wasn’t the week to go.

Commenter 2: So you’ve not confronted him over his pisstaking bullshit or told him to pay you back.

> OOP: here’s no reason to. As I said in my post, regardless of what is said to him he doesn’t listen and gets defensive. I called him out with the oddity stuff around my wife. He just got weirder. She dislikes him. And I trust her. So I have no worries about that. > > I don’t want any money, it’s the principle of the constant oddities and disrespect.

Commenter 3: Give it up. You ain’t gonna get through to him. Live your life as happily as you can. Do not let him know when special events are coming up such as birthdays, special dinners, games, NOTHING. Do NOT invite him to your house. You have tried HARD. Move on.

> OOP: I should specify, low contact means holidays at my parents only. No invites to the kids stuff. No responses to calls or texts.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/sparkle_fairy458

Originally posted to r/AITAH

WIBTAH if I refused to run errands for my parents anymore?

Editor’s note: changed letters to names for ease of readability

Thanks to u/NotayourDadBR for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!manipulation, entitlement, possible financial infidelity!<

Original Post: April 27, 2026

THROWAWAY ACCOUNT! Hey guys! I {28f} have absolutely had it with being used by my parents. So a bit of context: I live very close to my parents. I have two children under the age of 6 and a husband. My husband works abroad, so most of the time it's just me and my littles. I work from home and I work 8 hours a day for four days a week. We do well for ourselves. A few months ago, my car decided it was going to have engine problems and just shit out on me.

So while I was shopping around for a replacement, my father decided to help me out with a used car that him and my mother owned. It's an SUV very spacious. And honestly they weren't going to be using it anymore considering my father takes the company car home from his job. Not only that but they were finally gonna fix their Nissan for my dad. Now I do need to include the amount of vehicles they have. 2 Chevys, 1 Nissan, and the SUV they gave me.

Now because my father taught me responsibility I absolutely didn't want to take it for free, so I bargained with my dad to help him out. They had paid $3300 for the SUV when they got it. But it needed several repairs. (2 Window regulators, side mirror, ac, etc.) A few minor things. So my dad and I agreed that I would pay $1500 for it and just promise to take care of it. Which of course I do and have.

So he signed it over to me and I got it in my name immediately, insurance, tag etc. Now because I had to get the repairs done (just one regulator was almost $600 for the part and the labor cost) my dad agreed to let me do $100 a month or more depending on what I want to do that month. I agreed and handed him $500 right there as the first payment.

(It's been about 4 months now and I have paid him a total of $950 out of the $1500 for the SUV.)

Last month my youngest brother {15m} was at school (his school is 6 minutes from my parents’ house), and he got caught vaping on a THC pen with his buddy from school. So he got "sentenced" to alternative school which is an hour drive from my parents’ house. And the little friend of his that got it with him is their neighbor and his mother doesn't have a working vehicle either, so the boys just go together with my mom normally. They have to be at the alternative school at 7:45 am every morning and picked up at 12:30 pm every afternoon. (This is relevant I promise)

Now in the last four months I've had this SUV, my mother has used me as a personal assistant. Why you might ask? I DONT KNOW. But at first it wasn't a lot. Just little hey are you out? Can you stop by the store and grab this and bring it to me? Etc. just small stuff. And recently my grandmother had a surgery hours away, so my mom needed me to pick up my brother and his friend and bring them to the alternative school for 3 days. No biggie. Of course mom I've got you.

But I did ask them for gas money. Since I was taking my brother and his friend in my car with my gas and I had just filled it up. My dad gave me 50 one time. (The SUV takes 65 to fill up and the drive to the school being an hour there and an hour back takes about a quarter and a half of my tank each trip) Still I didn't make a big deal of it since it was only 3 days.

Now here's where I might be an AH. After those three days my parents have asked me to take my brother and his friend to this alternative school EVERY DAY coming up with excuses and while my dad works my mom is at home laying on the couch. Now I'm sure she gets up during the day, but when I leave she's in the same spot as she is when I come back. No they have not given me anymore gas money. And on top of all of that I've had to still work, take my kids to their appointments, take them to school, etc.

Gas is extremely expensive right now and we aren’t broke but I just don't have the extra funds to constantly be filling up my tank and not getting any help but one time.

I'm so fed up and I feel like I'm being used.

So WIBTAH if I just refused to run errands for my parents?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was unanimously NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You should have buy a car from a dealer without strings.

> OOP: Yeah I sometimes wish I did.

Commenter 2: If you're doing so well financially, why can't you afford to pay $1500 cash for an old junker from your parents?

Also I don't understand how a school in your district would be an hour each direction plus only a half day. Doesn't make any sense that you're driving four hours per day on high school transportation.

The kid needs to get a hardship license

> OOP: We are doing well enough to make it. But these trips and constantly having to drive while gas is as expensive as it is tearing down our money fast. And I was going to buy it outright for the $1500 but when my dad offered the payment plan my husband and I had agreed that it would help us get the repairs done and not completely clear out our bank account while doing so.

Commenter 3: Daughter: Ask the question; what’s wrong with mom? Why isn’t she motivated to get off the sofa? Talk with your brother, find out what’s going on in the house? Are your parents actively caring for him, prep meals, clean house, wash clothes???? Before you cut off your services at least try to find out if your family really needs help.

> OOP: My little brother is very much a trouble maker. He has been in trouble countless times for several things because he wants to "fit in" but he's choosing the wrong the crowd to hang with. And honestly I don't know what's going on with mom.

Commenter 4: Is the mother of the other boy giving you gas money? Because she absolutely should be.

Also, “no” is a perfectly acceptable response to unreasonable requests regardless of their past helpfulness to you.

> OOP: I haven't gotten a penny from the boy’s mother. But as much as the boy is a trouble maker he tried to give me his $5 for lunch one day because I bought the boys breakfast on the first day. He's a sweet kid. I didn't take his money of course.

Is OOP's mother taking care of her grandma?

> OOP: No grandma is at home, and my uncle lives with them and has been taking care of her.

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Update #1: April 28, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: WIBTAH if I refused to run errands for my parents anymore?

Here's an update for you guys. Yesterday I asked you guys if I WBTAH if I stopped running errands for my parents. Here's what happened. So after talking to my husband and taking y'all's advice, we've decided we will be paying off the SUV. It's only $550 left so it won't be a huge financial hit, but it'll definitely put a dent in the bank account.

So this morning, my mother had asked me again to take my brother and his friend to school. I of course said sure, but I'll need gas money. Mom said oh okay well in that case I can just take your SUV for the day and fill it up for you.

Now I know my mother. She is the type of woman that will run her gas tank all the way empty and waste her money on other things (cigs, clothes, etc.) before putting it in gas. She also has asked to borrow my car (the one that shit out on me) before and it had a full tank. When she took it she was gone all day, I missed a very important ultrasound for my youngest, and when I got it back it was damn near on E.

So I wasn't too willing to let her just take my SUV. So I said no mom. I can take them, but I need gas money, otherwise he's going to have to take a bus or Uber. This is how that convo went.

Mom: "Honey I don't understand we gave you gas money."

Me: "Yes mama, for the three days I had to and it was only 50. You haven't given me any since and I've been taking them every day."

Mom: "50 is a lot of money, you should've made it last."

Me: "50 IS a lot of money mama, but that's my point. Driving Henry and Grayson to school every day takes at least a quarter and a half of my tank each trip."

Mom: "Okay well I'll just take it and fill it up for you then."

Me: "Mama, no. I can take them just please give me gas money."

Mom: "This is ridiculous."

Me: "It's either you give me gas money or Grayson is just gonna have to take the bus or an Uber."

Mom: "Excuse me?!"

Me: "Mama I know you. You've borrowed my vehicle before multiple times and each time it goes from a full tank to damn near empty, and you have given me zero compensation for those times. I don't mind helping you mama, but there is a line where help becomes too much and is turning into being used. And right now I feel like you are using me. I feel like y'all only let me buy the SUV so I could be your little errand girl. It's not fair to me, my children, nor my husband. I have a job, my babies have school and appointments, and taking Grayson and Henry to school is affecting our lives and my job negatively."

Mom: "I'm calling your father." *Hangs up*

About three hours later I get a call from my dad. Here's how that convo went:

Me: "Hey dad."

Dad: "Hey honey what's going on?"

Me: *explains the same thing I told mama*

Dad: "Well firstly, I gave her gas money to give to you multiple times. I have just had in cash and not on my card lately, so I gave it to your mother to give to you every morning. Secondly, I absolutely did not let you buy the SUV to be our errand runner. And lastly, Henry's mama was supposed to be giving you money as well."

Me: "well dad I haven't received any money unfortunately. And it's affecting my job and the kids schedule. I just can't keep driving 4 hours a day."

Dad: "Okay honey. Then don't. I'm sorry. I'll get to the bottom of everything and talk to you later. You didn't take your brother today did you?"

Me: "No sir."

Dad: "Good, ttyl honey."

As of right now, as far as I know from gathering info from my brother, Dad said that Grayson would be paying for an Uber by working for my dad for the whole summer. He won't be getting to do anything but work this summer. As for Henry, he will also be working for my dad the whole summer. Honestly I think some good honest work would be good for the both of them.

Mom had a meltdown because Dad found out she was pocketing the money and she won't tell him where it's at. As of right now I don't have any extra info on that part.

And my dad has decided that instead of paying the last $550 it's considered PAID OFF. Woohoo!

So that's all I have for you guys, I appreciate all your help and comments and helping me grow a shiny new backbone 😊.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I don’t get it, how does she get to your vehicle if they have several at home? I take it the boys aren’t old enough for drivers licenses yet?

> OOP: Grayson has his permit, but my dad won't let him drive because he will just go joy-riding instead of going to the alternative school. (He did the first week of alternative school) Henry I am not sure if he has one, but they only have one car and it's run down.

Commenter 2:

> Dad found out she was pocketing the money, and she won't tell him where it's at Mom's got a gambling and/or shopping problem.

Betting if Dad starts checking the accounts and cards, there'll be a lot of other money missing.

> OOP: I'm starting to think that too. But idk I'm trying to get more info out of my other brother.

&nbsp;

Editor’s note: OOP made the next two updates on to the same post with the first update

Update #2: April 28, 2026 (same post, same day, hours later)

EDIT TO ADD UPDATE #2: Okay firstly thank you all again for your comments and support! MANY of you wanted the update on where the money went. Well here's the tea: My other brother (18m we will call him Tyler) lives with them so he's my primary source of info on this update. He said that when he got home from work, my parents were at the table.

Tyler said that Dad was calm, but Mom was crying. So Tyler went upstairs and set his stuff down and kinda hovered over the balcony to see if he could hear what was going on.

According to Tyler this is how their convo went:

Dad: "honey where is the money you were supposed to give (OP)?"

Mom: "I gave it to her!"

Dad: "No you didn't. And honestly dear this isn't the first time money has been missing."

Mom: "What are you accusing me of (Dad's real name)?!?"

Dad: "I'm not accusing you, I'm asking for your honesty and your reaction is only solidifying my suspicion."

Mom: "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?"

Dad: "Where did you go the other night?"

Mom: "I didn't go anywhere!"

Dad: "I woke up at 2 am that night and you were nowhere to be found."

Mom: apparently bawling her eyes out and screams something incoherent

Dad: "Calm down and breathe. All I want is honesty."

Mom: grabs car keys and runs out the door still incoherent

That's all I got so far! I'll keep you guys posted!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What do you think she has done with it? Could it be cheating? Gambling? Addiction to Drugs? Another family? I’m too invested!

> OOP: Tyler and I are betting she's messing around

Commenter 2: What’s the chances she’s paying for either a side piece or drugs?

> OOP: Drugs I doubt, but the way she's acting both Tyler and I think she's messing around. Dad hasn't said anything to Tyler when Tyler asked if everything was okay. According to Tyler, Dad looked drained and he went to bed.

&nbsp;

Final Update: April 29, 2026 (next day)

EDIT TO ADD UPDATE #3: Okay this is the final update. I just got off the phone with my dad.

Three things happened.

1. Mom came home this morning at 4am and my dad was waiting for her.

2. He served her divorce papers. Apparently it's been a long time coming. (Not sure if he gave her actual divorce papers or if he just told her he's divorcing her and showed his legal paperwork. I am just relaying what I was told.)

3. He told me about her affair. She's been seeing someone for the last 3 years right under his nose and only found out when on her laptop.

He said he never suspected anything because the money that went missing was little bits at a time and mom always had an excuse. But when he noticed she wasn't showing up with the things she said she was buying he started a tally of times she took money and how much. This had been going on for at least a year when my dad found out about her hiding money. So his first reaction was much like most of y'all. She's gambling. But when he started tracking her location via her cars GPS she had never gone to the casinos. She went to her friend Karen's house.

Dad had confronted Karen about why mom was gone at night and if they were spending money and Karen covered for mom saying she doesn't know anything about the money but that her and mom were just hanging out when Mom got super stressed.

Well you'll never guess the next part. The affair she was having was with Karen and Karen's husband. The money was used for sex toys etc. Apparently dad found about this affair 5 months ago and had divorce papers already drawn up. When my mom got home at 4am he gave her the paperwork and copies of all his evidence against her.

He just didn't think that she would stoop so low to steal money from me for my gas.

That's the final update, they are getting a divorce and obviously I'm shocked and disgusted. And my brothers are just as shocked.

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Editor’s note: Marking this concluded as the issue has been resolved and OOP has deleted this account

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/No-Alternative7859

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I (28f) am going to as my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session.

Trigger Warnings: >!substance abuse / addiction, emotional manipulation, physical violence, domestic abuse!<

Editor's note: adding a prior post for more context

My (28f) husband (28m) deeply betrayed my trust and I’m at a loss.: March 19, 2026

My (28f) husband (28m) deeply betrayed my trust and I’m at a loss.

My husband (28m) is a partially in denial alcoholic. While he’s acknowledged it’s a problem and it has affected our marriage, I (28f) don’t fully believe that he sees it as alcoholism because he’s functional and it was normalized in his family. My husband agreed to sobriety back in October when it got really bad and I gave him an ultimatum of drinking or our marriage.

A couple nights ago, my husband went out with his nephew (also 28m) since he’s on leave from the army. They both proceeded to drink and drive home inebriated. I discovered this after I went to get my husband from our couch after passing out, and he proceeded to pee on our bathroom floor and punch a hole in the door when I had to yell at him to stop repeatedly. He has a history of being physical while drunk, but it’s never been directed at me in any way. I also learned that he has had drinks since his alleged sobriety, but managed to not get drunk other times. I feel like I obviously can’t trust him.

We’re obviously on the rocks now and I have put divorce back on the table as a possibility, even if I don’t want it. I’ve also reached out to our therapist to update him and let him know that this needs to be discussed during our next session on the 28th. My issue: I love my husband despite all of this and don’t want to divorce, but I feel like I’m supposed to and would be an idiot for not doing so. I am his rock and only support system as both of his parents are gone and his siblings are not reliable, and all I want is for him to get better. He does want help and knows what he did is wrong, to the point where he’s cycled between panicking at the idea of losing me and cold shouldering me because he’s super angry with himself and thinks I’m better off without him. He also struggles with accepting the stigma of accepting that he’s an alcoholic, though again, he knows this is wrong and not normal, he’s said it out loud several times and has also been in discussion with our therapist privately about this.

I don’t know what to do. I’m sure I will get plenty of “just divorce him” responses, but I just don’t want to. I love this man, and even if this really doesn’t work out, I don’t want to just dump and run when he’s clearly not ok. I know much of this is situational, he’s lost his job, both of his parents, and we’ve been going through some communication bumps in our relationship while this is happening.

Question: What can I do to try to help this situation/get my husband the help he needs?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Hi there. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Addiction is such an isolating disease, both for the person suffering from it and those around them.

I'm going to gently remind you that you've already given him an ultimatum back in October: your marriage or drinking. Honey, he picked drinking. I know this is hard to hear, and I know you love him. But you cannot continue to make excuses for him and expect things to change. You are inadvertently enabling the behaviour.

You need to have a very frank and honest discussion about this. If he doesn't check into a rehab facility, I think it is time for you to leave. You don't have to divorce him. But you need to send the message that you will no longer tolerate this behaviour until he takes steps to change it.

Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before realizing they need help and can ask for it.

In the meantime, I would check out resources for partners of people with addictions within your community. You deserve some support for what you are going through, and there are people out there going through similar things.

Good luck, OP. Sending all my strength.

> OOP: Thank you for mentioning the resources to seek out. It’s funny, I know how much addiction hurts everyone circled around it having seen it in others, but I couldn’t fathom applying that to myself. My husband’s brother was an “anything and everything” addict and it was incredibly painful for my husband and his family, even after his passing. > > I know it’s familial for him. I know it’s normalized in his mind. I know he knows it’s wrong and I can see how horrified he is with himself. But I think you might be right that to some degree, my threats have been empty and I’m simply “rewarding” his behavior by continuing to stay and not enacting real consequences.

Commenter 2: Addiction is very tough. It usually affects the family the most (of the one addicted). My dad is a recovering alcoholic, so I know. It took him several relapses to completely stop. This is your husband, so it’s up to you if you’re willing to go through the long and difficult non-linear journey of recovering from addiction. As long as he keeps trying then he will one day recover. But he has to want to stop and actually be trying. I think you’ll know once you’ve had enough. He better not ever be violent towards you.

Maybe going to AA will help him.

> OOP: He grew up in a violent home surrounded by addiction and had a brother die from it. The physical incidents have never been directed toward me, and I genuinely have no fear that they ever will be. I have heard discourse before from people saying that hitting objects means they want to hit you, but I know he doesn’t. > > I guess I didn’t consider that this is a relapse, and you’re right now that you said it. He does try, but I don’t think he’s at the point where he sees this as a lifelong commitment - he sees it as more of a temporary thing he can just overcome with sheer willpower. I get that it’s fear based on his end, because admitting you have a problem is never fun.

&nsbp;

Editor's note: below is the said original title post

Original Post: April 22, 2026 (a bit over one month later from the previous post)

My husband (28m) and I (28f) have been together for 7 years, married for 2. Just prior to our marriage, my husband began to develop an alcohol dependency that has progressed over time and came to an ugly head this past month.

Around a month ago, my husband came home obviously drunk which upset me given his history and previous commitment to sobriety since October (turns out that was not the case). I know I should’ve waited to address the issue the next day instead of in the moment, but I was so angry about the deception and the fact that he clearly drove home drunk that I yelled at him. Things got pretty heated, while I tried to get him to bed, to a point where he was charging at me and threatening to hurt himself. Eventually I felt I had no choice but to call 911, which he obviously heard, and he punched a hole in our wall and one of our bathroom doors out of fear/anger due to some past childhood trauma with police in his home. He was arrested and charged, and I have been staying with my parents since. He had his initial hearing this past Monday and I attended.

Today, I needed to stop by our house to grab a few things and texted him to let him know. After hours and no confirmation (he typically leaves if I need to come over), I ended up stopping at our house anyway, only to discover the house completely unkempt, a strong smell of weed, and ashtrays all over the house. He does have a history of smoking weed and heavily overindulges in my opinion. He has also been unemployed since February due to leave a toxic work environment and has not been actively looking for a job to replace lost income. As far as I know, he is mostly playing video games, hanging out with friends, or taking trips on his motorcycle, which it looks like he did today. This has been a major point of contention, to the point where he has accused me of financial abuse because I asked him to get ANY job so that I’m not the only one paying bills.

I want to be there for him, and I want him to get sober and healthy again, but the clear lack of effort to truly get better just drained any romantic love I have left for him. We have couples therapy on Friday and I am planning to tell him then, but he is often hostile with me during our sessions and tends to try to argue with our therapist the entire time, so I’m not sure how to deliver this news to him during that time. How can I tell my husband I want a divorce during our therapy session?

Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, I am listing top comments as they provide more details that OOP did not share in the original post

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Just do it in therapy. You're in a safe place and your therapist will be there so I would do it then, but I would not go to that house alone. After you drop that bombshell I would have a friend, your parent or somebody come with you if you need to pick up stuff from the house. I'm just saying his mental health could go super crazy and he could hurt you. Good luck friend. God bless. Just tell him and get it over with in therapy

> OOP: My parents are aware of my plans, so they are available to go with me when I pick up all of my things. I’m concerned with how he’ll react, but I definitely don’t see any way that I could do this with him alone. > > > Commenter 2: Call the police nonemergency line and ask for an officer. One will come and wait outside as a presence so you can safely gather your things. The MOST dangerous time in a woman's life is when she tries to leave. Don't downplay the risk. Your stbx is an unemployed addict with an anger problem. He has nothing left to lose. >> >> ETA: Also, stop going to therapy with him. The only way to stop something is to stop. If you want to divorce him, then stop talking to him. Stop engaging. Hire an attorney and have him served. You aren't on the same team anymore. >>> >>> Commenter 3: Depending on state laws, she may need a restraining order to have police escort her to get her things. Was he arrested for dv? Is there a no contact protective order with his charges? That may work in place of a TRO. >>>> >>>> OOP: Yes to DV, no to protective order at this time but I can request it per my victim’s rights packet if I feel a definable need for it. I had asked for it to be removed when this all first happened because I felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to completely lose access to my house and things. Honestly I didn’t realize that a protective order wouldn’t prevent ME from accessing those things, so it seemed like the right choice at the time.

Commenter 4: If you haven’t already, start moving valuables out now. If he gets violent he will definitely destroy your things.

> OOP: I took all of my important documents and personal valuables when I initially packed up to head to my parents, because I did think about what his anger could do to something like my passport or my grandfather’s service medals. Otherwise, I packed a single suitcase and my dog and left behind what I could reasonably part with. I will definitely not be going on my own to collect anything from here on out.

Commenter 5: I agree with calling the police nonemergency line. Or a domestic abuse hotline to get advice on how to safely retrieve your belongings. If he's dangerous, I would be hesitant to bring parents instead of an authority.

Also, I notice in your post that you make excuses for him such as leaving his work because of a toxic work environment and punching the wall because of prior trauma from childhood.

People have bad stuff happen and they don't drive drunk, punch holes in walls etc.

There's a book called codependent no more - very specific to your situation and should help

> OOP: I know. I’ve been seeing a therapist separately through work and I am trying to work on not making attempts to shield him from his own behavior. Definitely a WIP and I’ll pick up that book. (editor's note: WIP = work in progress) > > I haven’t had a chance to fill much out yet or call, but I do have a victim advocate for the court case, so I will follow up on resources for when I go get all of my stuff. I just feel stupid for considering myself a victim when it could be so much worse.

OOP on why she is still attending therapy with her husband

> OOP: This is our last session together. I kept it because up until today, I thought we could try to repair. This is where I feel safest to break the news, and even if he does have a tantrum, he’s having it in a controlled environment that prevents him from making an impulsive and rash decision regarding his life or my safety.

OOP on if there is someone else who can handle the husband within his family and friends

> OOP: His parents are both gone, and he’s estranged from most of his family due to his behavior. He does have friends, but they have been less inclined to intervene because of his behavior as well. It’s also not their job. > > I’m not going to rehome my husband like a dog. He’s a fully grown man who can figure out where to go from here just like I’m doing now. No one can or is willing to swoop in and save him from himself except me, and that’s not an option anymore.

Downvoted Commenter: It’s crazy that you didn’t find out he was an ounce of this fucked up before you married him

> OOP: He barely drank the first 4 years of our relationship, which I preferred since I don’t drink save for special occasions. It really did just develop rapidly and out of nowhere. He’s a completely different person. I can accept that there were likely signs, but I did not, nor did anyone else, see them I guess.

Commenter 6: Nearly every time OP mentions her husband's bad behavior, she follows it up with an excuse he likely told her. Oh, he punched a wall because of childhood trauma? No, he punched a wall because he's an abusive alcoholic.

> OOP: You’re right, they’re excuses and I am trying really hard to work on not doing this with a separate therapist. It’s reflexive for me at this point so it’s been a hell of a habit to break. It’s been difficult for me to reconcile with the fact that this is abuse, because while I would stare at another woman with disbelief if she told me it’s not abuse because he’s not hitting her, I’ve been unwilling to apply that to myself. He’s not been good to me for a while, but I haven’t been good to me either, and it has to stop.

Commenter 7: Why do you feel you need to be there for him? Honestly, this sounds like something he’s going to need to tackle on his own.

I think you’re smart to do this in therapy and I think you need to make sure that you have an exit plan in place in case he becomes upset or violent. Also, hopefully you’ve moved everything out of your house, so you don’t need to go back there. That’s one of the most dangerous times for a woman leaving a bad relationship.

> OOP: I haven’t taken all of my stuff yet because he’s still living in our house and the majority of the furniture is technically mine. While I am going to divorce him, I didn’t want to put him on the street immediately after the police incident. I took my passport, birth certificate, and some other valuables to be on the safe side but for the most part, I shoved as much as I could in a single suitcase and took my dog. > > I know you’re right about the danger, so I have worked out logistics with my parents, but it is hard to hear. This is not where I envisioned myself and I always thought I would pick better than this.

&nsbp;

Update: April 28, 2026 (six days later)

Original question: how do I tell my husband I want a divorce during our therapy session?

Update: My husband (28m) did show up to our therapy session, and I (28f) was able to tell him with our therapist that I will be filing for divorce. I also brought a list of our assets and how I thought they should be divided up so we can try to walk away from this amicably. He was obviously devastated, as am I, but did state he saw this coming. He did make statements of harming himself to which our therapist suggested having a 1:1 session the rest of the hour, which I agreed to since I didn’t want to be there anymore. All things considered, it went as well as it could and I don’t think he will be violent toward me, but I’ll still be taking precautions in case.

I was also notified on Wednesday that he was arrested again for fleeing an officer and misdemeanor bail jumping - this means he violated one of his bail conditions from the original arrest, and I’m assuming it’s the sobriety condition. It’s clear to me that while he regrets his actions each time, he’s not ready to face the problem or get help, and I just have to grieve and move forward.

Thank you for all of the kind words, firm advice, and even some of the less than savory responses. I’m obviously struggling hard right now and am trying to sit with all of the emotions that I’m feeling right now, and I’m grateful to have found support here and in my family and friends. I’m reminded that there’s no shame in my choice and that I did the right thing. If I have anything else, I’ll come back and update this post, but otherwise, I just want to keep moving forward toward a future where I’m happy, healthy, and on the other side of this.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Very sorry you're going through this. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Maybe one day he'll find his way.

But you deserve to be safe and loved. Best wishes.

> OOP: Thank you, I really hope he does find his way as well. > > You’re also right - no amount of me loving him or missing who he was before all of this is a reason to excuse the emotional turmoil and abuse I’ve endured through this, and I have to choose my safety now, even though it kind of feels awful at the moment. I know it’s grief, and this situation is one of the hardest things I will probably ever have to go through, but I know I will be ok and I will find my way through this.

Commenter 2: I don't know you but I'm proud of you for getting yourself out of this situation. You did the right thing and I'm so glad you put your wellbeing first. Remember that it's normal to grieve the end of any relationship and it's ok to feel all the feelings.

> OOP: Thank you. I’m have a very hard time coping with feeling like I abandoned him. I know he doesn’t have a solid support system outside of me, and now that’s gone. I still love this person and I’m so gutted that he really doesn’t have anywhere to go or anyone to turn to since his parents are gone and he’s estranged from most of his siblings, but there’s just nothing more I can do for him at this point and that feels heavy.

OOP shared a link of Emotional Abuse Article

&nsbp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Parking-Potato-9891

Originally posted to r/raisedbynarcissists

Kept the birth of my child private and now I’m paying for it.

Trigger Warnings: >!abuse and manipulation, false allegations of abuse!<

Original Post: March 6, 2026

Hello! So I posted this situation in another community, but it got taken down so I wanted to try again here because a lot of commenters on the last post recommended this one.

I had a baby just over a month ago. My husband and I decided we wanted everything about the delivery to be private - no visitors at all. We just thought it may reduce some stress, and we felt it was an intimate moment for just the two of us to share.

Anyway, my delivery was long and hard and ended in a c section. We ended up not telling anybody that our baby was born until about 24 hours after the fact because we were just exhausted and wanted to be sure nobody showed up without an invitation.

My husband’s family reacted so well to the news, they were super excited for us. My parents did not react well. My dad blew up on us saying we should be ashamed of ourselves, and how dare I break the news so late to them since they “helped pay for my college”, “came to emergency situations”, and raised me….My mom then sent me and my husband a message basically guilting us for the decision we made and for not telling them sooner.

The next day my dad sent me this long, hateful message essentially saying I did my parents wrong, I’m abusive, my husband is abusing me(my husband is literally perfect so I don’t know where this came from) and that I will “be on an island alone with no love and support”. I responded and said I was sorry their feelings were hurt. I tried to understand where all these accusations were coming from, that I thought it was not right that we were getting treated this way for a decision that was ours to make, and that I was hurt that he would treat me this way and not even ask how I was doing so freshly postpartum when I’m already dealing with enough as is. My dad basically blew me off saying he didn’t ask how I was doing because I should just be giving this information without him having to ask, that he would not be following the rules we made for our child because we “do not control” him, and to not bother inviting him to see me and the baby because he “is done and to have a good life”.

This whole situation is sad, and this reaction is just insane. My dad hasn’t spoken to me since, and I don’t feel like I should reach out at this point even though I feel sad about things going this way. My mom eventually said she felt bad for the way they acted but is now acting like nothing ever happened and I don’t know how to feel about that… I just want to know if I’m missing something and treated them poorly? I feel in my core that I just want to be done because it feels so exhausting pretending everything is fine but I also don’t want to lose contact with my family. This is just confusing and frustrating.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You're only going to pay for it if you keep in contact.

Your mother of all people should know better. This is the most vulnerable time of your life.

Nothing. Else. Matters.

This is the one time in your life where everything is about YOU and your BABY. Anyone who tries to detract from that are not good people to have in your life.

Maybe when you're healed and settled you can try to reconnect, but I wouldn't waste my breath. > > Commenter 2: Absolutely. OP, if you allow your folks to establish a close relationship with your child, they sound like the type that will threaten to sue for grandparents' rights if you decide to pull back. Not to suggest they will succeed, but it would be a lot of stress and possibly, lawyer fees to get the case dismissed. You know them better than anybody on Reddit does, but if their entitlement in this situation is not unusual, protect your baby, your husband, and yourself by going low contact. If they ask you why you don't let them see the baby, tell them what your father said about your boundaries is enough to cut all contact. It would be nice if he left that on a text or voice mail. > >> OOP: I really hate the thought of all this. I partially feel like I have an obligation to get this ironed out because they’re my parents but at the same time I think the only thing that would possibly get that going is for me to apologize to them and I’m certainly not doing that. So we’ve just been at a stalemate for over a month now…unfortunate.

Commenter 3: I’m so sorry, OP. This was a special moment you should’ve felt loved and cared for by your parents. It’s not your fault they don’t have the capacity to be good parents. You absolutely did nothing wrong. They felt very entitled regarding their expectations of your persona medical event.

Your parents are allowed to be sad, but your Dad had absolutely no right to talk to you like that. He is the abusive one, not you. He is the one that will feel isolated after burning these bridges with you, your spouse, and your baby.

I would not let them near me until I received an apology. Maybe there’s some hope for your mother to apologize, but it sounds like she’s enabling his bad behavior.

Q: Has your Mom met the baby?

> OOP: She’s met the baby once, and wants to come again but I’ve been dodging it because I just feel weird about it mainly because I know whatever we talk about will go straight to my dad. And of course my husband doesn’t like the thought of her visiting because of their behavior. Just a weird, gross feeling situation.

Commenter 4: I'm so sorry your special time has been under such scrutiny.

Here's the thing though, this isn't about the Grandchild. This is about control. They attack your husband's character not because he's mean/abusive, but because he took their control away. They want to turn you against anything that is healing or supportive to you. Manipulation, verbal abuse, and tantrums are all apart of a Narcissists MO.

Like all tantrums, it's best to just carry on. Bad behavior shouldn't be rewarded. Let your parents stew in their own vile juices, and when they see that their crappy attitudes aren't getting the ass-kissing that they're looking for, they'll either grown the hell up and be good Grandparents/parents, or they won't. Sooner or later, you'll have to live without them, or live with them swallowing their controlling pride and stepping up!

You and your husband did nothing wrong. You are now a parent, and an adult and you get to decide how your life plays out. This is a joyous time. Don't let the Devil sour this wonderful time in your life.

Congratulations to you and your husband on your Child's safe arrival.

Peace and Joy.

> OOP: My husband has been so great, so it especially hurt my feelings that they felt the need to bash him the way they did for no good reason. Thanks for the advice and thanks so much!

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Update: April 28, 2026 (over 1.5 months later)

Kept the birth of my child private and now I’m paying for it. UPDATE

I posted a couple months ago about how my family reacted to me and my husband keeping the birth of our baby private until about a day after the fact, and how they just blew up on me and my husband and ruined everything. I figured I’d just give an update as I’m sitting here stuck in my thoughts.

So 3 months later, my dad still isn’t talking to me. He hasn’t seen my baby, hasn’t reached out, nothing. Honestly the whole not talking to me thing isn’t even what makes me so upset-it’s that apparently his pride and entitlement is more important than knowing my baby. It’s so hard to not just boil over the fact that he’s acting this way.

My grandma (my dad’s mom) accidentally sent a text that was clearly not meant for me…she was texting me asking how we were doing and I replied we were doing good and I was taking baby’s 1 month pictures and that I would send her some of them when I was finished. About 5 minutes later she text “(my name) is taking baby’s 1 month pictures and that she would send them…uh ok?🤷🏼‍♀️”…. If you don’t want pictures of my baby just say that. Maybe I’m reading too far into that text, but it just got me so angry because I’m confident that was meant for my dad to get him pissed off. Just a little more context to why that would piss him off- we asked everyone that was going to receive pictures of our baby to not post them or send them to anyone and my dad lashed out at me saying I wasn’t going to “control how he loves his grand baby” as if exploiting the baby is a way to love…ok. Anyway, this was really disappointing because I’ve always had a good relationship with my grandmother but now I feel I can’t trust her. On top of that she went from texting me several times a week to not talking to me for 3 weeks straight, then proceeded to text my mom and sister asking if I was okay because she hadn’t heard from me as if I’ve been ignoring her. This whole thing with her just has me irritated.

I let my mom come to visit once. The visit went fine, but I can’t help to feel like our relationship is ruined. I didn’t enjoy the visit, I just felt the memories of what happened immediately postpartum looming over my head. I’m just waiting for the day she “suggests” I reach out to my dad. Which I won’t be doing. My mom does things that make me so angry like asking my sister to send her pictures of my baby when she knows the rules are-nobody is supposed to send pictures of my baby to anyone. My sister never sends her the pictures. My sister has been so amazing. I don’t know what I would do without her. Mom asking my sister for pictures makes me feel like she doesn’t care about the boundaries we set and she has no problem being sneaky to get what she wants. Another thing she keeps saying is “when are y’all coming down to visit?” Visit for what? To hang out until my dad comes home and a big fight breaks out in front of my baby? For him to just get what he wants after treating me and my husband like garbage? No thanks.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting to all of these things. I’m just so physically tired with everything that comes with the baby. I adore my baby, that child is the light of my life. It’s just hard! I think I have some postpartum rage or depression or something that really amps up my feelings in regard to all of this. I’m just so incredibly angry about it all. Some days I can forget about it if I put my phone on dnd and keep busy. Other days I feel myself just stewing in anger and sadness over how my family has been perfectly comfortable treating me, my husband, and my sweet baby.

Anyway, posting here last time really helped me feel better so I thought I’d do it again. Thanks to everyone who commented last time, I never could have responded to all of those, but they were so appreciated.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: /My husband is the most mild-mannered person I know. The only time I have ever seen him lose his temper is when our children are hurt. Being a dad of daughters did something to him. It seems primal. Otherwise he's breezy.

/Your father reacted poorly, horribly, but I also wasn't surprised. Of course your husband's parents reacted well. They have a new grandchild, and their son's life was never in danger. However, for your parents, they found out you had a hard labor and then had a major surgery. You went through a life-threatening situation without telling them. They feel betrayed.

/ However, you absolutely have the right to handle your birth as you wish. It's a dangerous time, and it's most important that the mother feels at peace during this procedure. But why didn't you have this conversation with your parents beforehand, so they could adjust to your POV and any misgivings they may have, instead of just saying, "Surprise. We wanted to be alone. Now deal with it."?

/Your dad's overreaction is ridiculous and overbearing. But your lack of perception as a parent, only seeing it from the POV as a daughter, is misguided as well. You're a parent now. After your child is an adult and you didn't know about a major surgery, wouldn't you feel shut out as well? My mom went into the hospital several years ago and she said she didn't want to distress me. And that was just my mom. I had to tell her, "Distress me. I want to know, even if you'd rather only be at the hospital alone with my stepfather. Just let me know so I'm prepared in case something goes wrong." She said she would from then on.

/I understood my mom. I'm the type who likes to face things alone, and then see others after I've gotten through the situation. But now Mom understands that we, her kids, should be warned when she's in the hospital in case we need to make plans for worst case scenario.

/Your father and you have things in common. Both of you think you're right. Neither want to compromise. Both of you refuse to talk to the other unless the other relents. It's a battle of wills. Do I think you should apologize to your father for giving birth without him? Not In The Least! But I do think he was owed an explanation about your decision beforehand. He's an adult. You're an adult. You were about to become a parent. Facing your parents to tell them your decision shouldn't be an issue, unless you were hiding. And if you were hiding, then therein lies the problem. You might need to dig deeper inside yourself about why you couldn't face your parents.

/Last, congrats on your baby! The hormones and lack of sleep after giving birth are nightmarish, but it does eventually subside. Eventually, this time of birth will be a blip in your life, like your wedding day. Wedding days seem so important, like the end all, until you're in the marriage. And then you realize it's just the opening scene of a very long story. And the story has many pages, sometimes average, sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter, but the story is as good or bad as the main characters make it. Birth is like that too. It's a beginning, and then that time fades toward the background with a child's first words, first steps, first day at school, first fights, first loves, graduations, etc. Have a lovely story with your baby.

> OOP: Hi! I actually did talk to them about us not having company until we got home from the hospital a couple months in advance. I explained I would be uncomfortable with them being there because of the nature of the situation…and now having gone through it and knowing how completely exposed you are and how exhausted I was-I KNOW I wouldn’t have enjoyed company at that point in time. I think I understand a little more how they felt now that I have a baby, and I apologized to my parents for hurting their feelings because that certainly wasn’t my intention. As for the communicating with my dad- he sent a message saying to not talk to him until he had time to cool off. Then he messaged me saying all these hateful things. I apologized about hurting his feelings and tried to understand better, because truthfully I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings. I especially didn’t think he would care because he never checked on me during my pregnancy, he called me like once because he needed something. I think he came to visit me with the rest of my family once throughout the whole 9 months. Anyway, I tried to patch things up in the last conversation we had and he completely bulldozed everything I had to say. Nothing I said nor any of my feelings mattered. He said he was “done” and hasn’t said anything since. So I guess I don’t see a point in trying to fix things with someone who doesn’t want things fixed. I did try, but I’m not going to again until he reaches out simply because things won’t go anywhere until he decides he wants them to. > > He really has some issues. He accused my husband of being abusive (I know I already said this in my previous post but 1000% not the case) and claimed he “raised me to know better”. I just find it ironic because in my teenage years he absolutely abused my mom, siblings, and I verbally and emotionally for a long time. Like literally spit in my face cussed 14 year old me over spilled juice just to give one example…I guess all this is to say my dad and I have had a civil relationship but never really a close one which is what made his extreme reaction so much more shocking to me.

OOP on her relationship with her parents and the boundaries

> OOP: Our relationship was fine, certainly some issues here and there. > > Rules for my child aren’t a game, they’re rules for a reason. I don’t doubt sharing pictures would be with good intention but there are people that we don’t want to have pictures/strangers to us don’t need to have pictures of our baby to do who knows what with/our baby doesn’t need to be plastered all over the internet. Unfortunately the internet is not a safe place, no reason to submit my child to it or allow others to. Regardless, it’s my child and I can protect my baby how me and my husband see fit. They can have pictures, print them out and put them up in their house, show pictures to people in person. I don’t think the picture rule is insane/outlandish. As far as those rules causing a divide- I think if somebody feels they don’t have to follow a couple simple rules set by the child’s parents that seems like a red flag to me…you can’t just do what you want with somebody else’s kid. And I don’t think I should have to dissolve those rules that are implemented to protect my child because somebody thinks they can “violate” them because they disagree…. And not only violate the rules but get mad at others if they don’t violate them? Wild to suggest this would be my fault/that I would be the manipulative one… > > They were involved with the shower, they knew about the pregnancy, and they were informed well in advance our plans to not have visitors until we made it home. They provided no feedback that suggested they would have an issue with that. Honestly I don’t think having one day to rest and spend with my baby and husband before having everyone else involved is a crazy ask either.

Commenter 2: You're not crazy. Your dad sounds like a fuckin child! I feel bad for your mom but maybe she should try to push your dad to make amends if you even want to patch things up with him.

> OOP: From what my siblings have said it sounds like she has tried to get him to but he lashed out at her for it. I don’t think he’s sparing anybody of these tantrums.

Commenter 3: Protect your child. At all costs. PROTECT. YOUR. CHILD.

They are not entitled to anything, including, but not limited to: time, pictures, hugs, holidays, gift-giving, visits, compromises, events, etc, etc.

Yes, you do have the control. As you should. As every good parent should. He's upset because you took away his binky and blankie... control, and now he's throwing the father of all hissy fits,complete with flying monkeys doing his bidding (mom and wife).

You are NOT overreacting. Let your momma bear side out and rip into anyone that thinks they can break or bend the rules.

"My house, my child, my rules. End of story." Should be your mantra for the rest of your life. For anyone.

He's showing you exactly why you shouldn't cave...because he's not emotionally mature enough to know what the best thing is for a baby. His needs and feelings come first. Fuck his feelings.

My favorite thing to say: Just because someone is upset at you, doesn't mean you did the wrong thing or made the wrong decision.

I'm so sorry your dad is an emotional toddler.

> OOP: Thank you for this! I’m a very non-confrontational person so sometimes I need this encouragement. It’s already hard enough navigating this parenting thing for the first time, let alone throwing in a giant man toddler pitching fits really makes things frustrating.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP