I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayfuckyoumatt

My best guy friend [26/M] is getting married! But my [24/F] abusive ex [26/M] is in the wedding party. Help?

TRIGGER WARNING: >!mentions of domestic abuse and mental health issues!<

Original Post Feb 7, 2015

Okay, I'm going to try my best to summarize this without too much detail.

I [24/F] met my best guy friend (Jacob) [26/M] and my ex (Matt) [26/M] my first year of college. The three of us were pretty much inseparable, until things between Matt and me got ugly. The details of our relationship aren't that important to my question, but suffice it to say that we went through nine months of a typical abusive relationship pattern (tension, then explosion, then a honeymoon period, repeat) before I got myself out of that bullshit. Matt was mostly emotionally abusive, but there were incidents of physical abuse right before I left.

Much of Matt's abusive behavior was spurred by his severe anxiety disorder, which is partially why it was hard for me to leave. Only Jacob and I really knew how bad his mental health was, and I used to stay up with him until like 3 a.m. helping him through panic attacks. On the day I finally left (well, the day that started my process of leaving...), I called Jacob and said, "You have to come here and help Matt. I can't do this anymore." He didn't know Matt was abusive toward me prior to that day, but he's well aware now.

Anyway, Matt and I tried having a friendship (I don't know why...) but it didn't happen for obvious reasons. However, Jacob remained close friends with Matt and me separately.

Since college, I have gotten married (My husband really likes Jacob, and he was an usher in our wedding), and Jacob got engaged! Great! ...except I quickly realized that I'd be forced to be around Matt for the first time in years, as Matt will be a groomsman. (For clarification, I'm not in the wedding party. I might be asked to help in some other way, but not in the wedding party.)

Matt has attempted to contact me a few times since I started dating my now-husband, Aaron [29/M]. Most recently was a text a few days after my wedding, which I ignored. It's mostly been Facebook messages that say (in a lot more words than this) "I'm sorry about everything. Can we be friends?" The first time, I responded, detailed all the reasons why we couldn't be friends and asked him not to contact me again. But in the handful of messages after that, my answer was just pretty much "I told you not to talk to me. Go away." and then no response at all. Matt also has found out I was in town a few times when I visited Jacob and some friends (they still live in our college town) and tried to invite himself over to make amends with me. But I've successfully avoided seeing him since I graduated college almost three years ago.

(Since I'm sure this question will come up, I'm not Facebook friends with Matt, but I haven't blocked him. I want to keep tabs on where he is in case he moves or I move. It hasn't been a problem. Matt's maybe contacted me through there four times in the past three years.)

Aaron never met Matt, but he knows all about how he treated me. I went through therapy post-Matt and pre-Aaron, and I'm healed from my abuse now, but I'm worried about seeing Matt in person. I don't think I'll have any major emotional reaction at the wedding since it doesn't bother me much anymore. But I'm nervous that Matt will come up and try to say something to me or Aaron. Aaron isn't the type that would get aggressive with Matt, but he would definitely get in Matt's face and ask him to leave us alone. (Aaron is very non-confrontational, until he thinks I'm being treated badly. Even still, he's not going to punch the dude in the face.)

Also, I have no idea on the status of Matt's mental health. Last time I asked Jacob, which was a long time ago, he said he was "doing a lot better." But I have no idea what that means.

I just don't want to cause any issues or tension on my best friend's big day. Matt isn't dangerous in that he would hurt me or Aaron or anyone else, so this doesn't require a restraining order or something like that. And the situation doesn't require us to not attend the wedding. Mostly, I think it will lead to a very uncomfortable situation, and I'm not sure how to prep my husband or myself for that situation which will most likely happen.

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tl;dr: Best guy friend is getting married. My abusive ex is a groomsman. Not sure how to prepare myself and my husband for seeing him and for the inevitable awkwardness/drama that will accompany it.

EDIT: A lot of people are coming down hard on Jacob for staying friends with Matt, and honestly, I understand. I initially found it shitty and hypocritical, but I've gotten over it, really. I think Jacob was in a tough spot because this was happening to his two best friends. And when I left Matt, and Jacob found out about the abuse, I think Jacob felt he had to be there for both of us. (I should also note that Jacob knew Matt first so I'm sure he felt obligated to him.) Matt had an anxiety disorder, and I think he needed Jacob there to help him get help. I don't endorse their friendship, but not many people really understand abuse. And since mine was so much emotional abuse and only a small portion physical, that makes it even harder for people to understand. So if it were the other way around, and I were you guys reading this, I would definitely respond the same way and say Jacob's being a bad friend. But he's honestly been one of the best friends I've ever had, and a piece of shit like Matt isn't worth losing a great friend like Jacob.

I'll mull over this part a little bit and talk to Aaron for his input, but I'd really like insight on how to deal with Matt and the wedding.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> Could you send Matt a message on Facebook BEFORE the wedding? Something like > > "Matt, > > Since I know we'll both be at Jacob's wedding, I just wanted to remind you that I am not interested in being friends. I have previously explained, in detail, why this is the case. Please refrain from trying to reconnect, or otherwise talking to me or my husband, at this event. I know we both care deeply about Jacob and I would rather avoid causing a scene on his big day. Please respect my decision and do not respond to this message." > > If nothing else, his response (or hopefully, lack thereof) should give you a good idea of what to expect from him at the wedding. > > ALSO, you should ask Jacob to talk to Matt. He should remind Matt to leave you alone at the wedding and emphasize that to do otherwise could possibly ruin one of the most important days of his life.

OOP

>>This is the best idea I've read so far. I'll think it over, but I think this is what I'll end up doing. Thanks so much.

Update: Best guy friend [26/M] got married. My [24/F] abusive ex [26/M] was a groomsman. Here's what happened. June 8, 2015 (4 months later)

Hi, everyone. I had such great advice on my original thread that I decided to update everyone on what happened at the wedding.

I took the advice of writing to Matt prior to the wedding and explicitly stating that he should not approach me. About a month or so before the wedding, I sent him a Facebook message, and I didn't pull any punches. I figured this was my one and only chance to let him have it.

I told him that I wanted to make it absolutely clear that he abused me, and it wasn't a conclusion I came to on my own, but through the guidance of therapists and other abuse survivors. I said that I was telling him that because not only was it important for him to recognize it, but it was important for me to say it.

I then went on to say that because he abused me, I was not, and never would be, interested in having a friendship with him. And I wasn't doing that to be mean or close-minded, but because I needed it for my own mental health. I told him he was at one point very important to me, but he threw that away with his thoughtless treatment of me.

So I wrapped up my message to Matt by saying that I wanted to enjoy Jacob and Andrea's wedding and support one of my best friends getting married. And that if he didn't respect me enough as a woman to honor my request to leave me alone, he could talk to my husband, Aaron [30/M] about it.

So anyway, Matt surprisingly didn't respond to me. Last time I tried to call him out on his abuse, he called me screaming and saying that I was jeopardizing his future career as a teacher. So I was ready for that, and it didn't happen, thankfully.

Prior to the wedding, I was pretty nervous. I didn't know what kind of reaction I'd have in seeing him, and I was really concerned he'd approach me or try to talk to my husband. But he actually left me alone!

When I saw him for the first time at the wedding, all I felt were the same feelings I had when I saw him around campus after I finally left him: some mixture of resentment, pity, annoyance and complete disinterest in him as a person. I was really happy about that because I wasn't sure how I'd react after not seeing him for three years. But my mental health held up!

I caught him looking at me a few times, but that was the extent of our interaction at the wedding. And I could tell he was the exact same person he was in college, based on his behavior at the wedding, so my assumptions were correct. It was terribly mean and resentful of me, but I was over the top happy that all of the other groomsmen found him unbearable (they told me so without knowing our history), and he had no one to talk to at the wedding. He talked a few college girls into dancing with him, but I was surrounded by my incredible husband and a big group of friends who were thrilled to see me. So in the end, I got the better life, and he's still a fuck.

To be honest, though, it was a little tough seeing him. At one point in my life, I really did love him, and as my husband put it, I don't easily burn emotional bridges. I always hold onto hope with people, even if they treated me badly. But Matt and I (stupidly) tried being friends while we were still in college and after we'd separated, and it was a disaster. It was just Abusive Relationship 2.0 for us. So for my mental health and self-respect, I knew I could never have him in my life in any capacity. And that's still a little hard to accept at times.

Anyway, this is hopefully the last time I'll ever have to see him. I expect him to try to contact me again in the future, some years down the road, but he hasn't since my message. I'm hoping that it finally made him confront the reality of what happened between us, since he was still putting at least partial blame on me for our situation. But I'm done making myself feel even the smallest bit responsible for him.

So sorry this was long, but it helps me to talk it out. Thank you again, everyone, for your help! I truly appreciate it.

TL;DR Everything went better than expected. Wrote to Matt. Told him to leave me alone at the wedding. He actually left me alone!

FINAL COMMENTS

OOP explains why Jacob stayed friends with Matt

> It is painful to admit, but there are redeeming qualities in Matt. He and Jacob are very similar people, except Matt is selfish, immature and abusive and Jacob isn't. In fact, part of why it was hard to leave Matt was that Jacob and I were his only real friends, so I felt a lot of responsibility to help him through his anxiety disorder. > > But yeah, I absolutely wouldn't stay friends with someone who abused my friend, but I can't really be angry at Jacob. At first, it bothered me, but I know Jacob made it painfully clear to Matt that he was a complete piece of shit for what he did to me and prioritized our friendship over theirs. And in truth, Matt's actions damaged their relationship, which hasn't ever been fully fixed. Matt wasn't best man, and before everything that happened with us, he absolutely would have been. He also didn't hang out with Matt as much through the rest of college. But honestly, having Jacob there for Matt made it a lot easier for me to leave, so there's that, too. > > & > > Yeah, I kept telling myself I shouldn't give a shit. I still loved him, but I knew I shouldn't and knew I had to get away from him. So having Jacob around to make sure Matt was taking his medication and not dangerously close to killing himself made me feel better about getting out. It also made me feel better to have a sort of safety net between me and Matt. If Matt was ever like, "Hey, I should call her!" Jacob said, "Umm no, you absolutely shouldn't." > > Like I said, I wouldn't have made the same choice that Jacob did, but I'm not mad at him or anything. And yeah, I sincerely hope that Matt learned a lot from losing pretty much everyone. I think he did, which is why he tried to contact me a few times.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MolassesLazy4093

I’m (25M) leaving my partner (33M) of seven years tomorrow.

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: >!domestic abuse, infidelity, grooming, verbal abuse, controlling / isolating behavior!<

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Original Post: May 1, 2026

Hi, I’ve only posted to Reddit a few times and I figured this subreddit would be good for advice.

I’m leaving my partner of seven years and while I’m relieved to finally cut ties with him, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for how I’m doing it.

My partner (I’ll call him Dave) and I have been together for around seven years now. We met when I had just turned 18 and he was 27. When we first got together everything moved excruciatingly fast. We’d met in January, started dating in February, and moved in together in April. We’d had an extremely rocky relationship, I wasn’t mature and couldn’t handle adult life very well. He wanted freedom and independence but felt obligated to take care of me since he moved me an hour from my parents and convinced me to cut them off. There was a lot of him cheating, us arguing all the time, and me struggling to navigate a new city, new relationship, and completely different job market.

Over the years as I’ve grown mentally and developed more into my own person, the arguments grew less frequent. Until i started making more money, had my own car, and gained friendships and bonds. He started to get more controlling, more comfortable flipping from overly sweet to hostile, more aware of who I was with, where I was going, and my location.

An incident happened where he went too far and I realized I needed out. I’ve been scared of him ever since. I have an apartment in a new city, friends to help me move, new job lined up, and everything covered. What’s got me stuck is, I feel guilty? I pick up my keys Saturday and have a place to stay after I break the news tomorrow. But, he’s being so kind and so sentimental and part of me feels bad and like I’m taking the cowards way out.

This has been my first actual relationship ever and my first time dealing with breaking up. So, I’m not sure how to break the news. Everyone says he doesn’t deserve the closure and I should just not say anything, but spending this much time with a person I feel like they do. But I’m unsure of if that’s the years of feeling like I have to justify every action to him talking or not. My head is a little all over the place.

(TL;DR I’m leaving my partner of seven years and because of an incident that happened between us I didn’t feel safe telling him I was leaving until I was sure I could. Tomorrow is the day I finally tell him and I’m not sure if I’m doing it the right way.)

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: He groomed you, and isolated you from your parents when you were a teenager. Run, and don’t look back. You owe him nothing.

> OOP: I didn’t even think about that in the grand scheme of things. We’d met online and he swears he didn’t know my age before talking to me, but it was oddly suspicious he didn’t start texting me till after my 18th birthday. Oh I’m feeling weird all over again now that I’m thinking more.

Commenter 2: Was he violent when he went too far?

If yes, you telling him you are about to leave my be a life or death situation.

You are still younger than the age he was when he first dated you.

Would you date a 18 year old now at 25 yrs old?

In 7 years you've gained life experience that a teenager would not have. You have a career, money and knowledge.

Your boyfriend is a predator. He chose you because he wanted to mold you and isolate you.

Him being nice ‘now’ is because he can tell he's losing his grip on you.

Your almost about to escape, do not sabotage it by treating him with ‘respect and decency’. That's reserved for people who are safe and stable.

Move out when he's gone. If you really want to break up him in person - do it in a public area in the day, like a park or a cafe.

Do not bring a bag with you, in case he plants a tracker.

> OOP: Yes he was, I don’t think I can mention exactly what happened on this sub but he claims he suffered a “mental health break” that almost critically harmed us both over an argument about him trying to cheat on me again. > > I would never touch anyone three years younger than me, much less 18. So that’s puts a lot in perspective. I think at most I’ll just send him a text message if I’m really feeling bad but definitely getting everything out while he’s at work.

Commenter 3: You’re not taking the coward’s way out, you’re finally taking the safe way out, and his sudden kindness is exactly what keeps people stuck in cycles like this, so don’t over-explain, say it clearly, leave, and don’t look back.

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Update: May 4, 2026 (3 days later)

UPDATE: I’m (25M) leaving my partner (33M) of seven years tomorrow.

Hi everyone, here’s the original post for context. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/xWCOsR95tJ

I wanted to come back and thank each and every one of you and let you know I’m safe and sound. I just finished getting the last of everything I could from my old house today. I wish I could say it went smoothly, but it did not. My ex had a feeling something was up and decided to take a sick day from work so I couldn’t leave as smooth as I planned. I woke up to him staring at me from my doorway and had a really uneasy feeling so I just grabbed myself and my animals and left. I sent a text asking him to vacate the property so I could get my stuff, broke it off, and blocked him on everything I could think of.

I had to get an escort to the property and I made sure I had a group of people with me and it seemed to freak him out enough to leave and give me some very limited time to pack my things. I’m not concerned with him tracking me as he doesn’t own a car and I’ll be a few hours away. But I went over everything just in case. I have an unfortunately long car ride ahead of me but I wanted to left everyone who helped and remembered my post know I’m safe, my pets are safe, and I got everything out. I really appreciate each person who gave me the strength and courage to end things on my terms and not give him the chance or opportunity to manipulate me by taking the civil route.

You’re all very good and kind people. I wish I had a longer update but it’s been a long day already and the worst is over. All that’s left to do now is go be happy.

(TL;DR I was able to break things off with my ex partner of seven years and got out safely. All pets and belongings that are important accounted for)

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Happy you got out safe friend. Proud of you! Good luck on this next chapter of your life. ❤️

Commenter 2: I did the same thing at nearly the same ages.

One thing when you feel guilty and lonely that you will find so much solace in is your new place. Since you went from your parents to him you don't know yet the feeling of when you come home and you're not walking on eggshells. When you see your stuff in the new place, but it doesn't feel like home yet and you just kind of giggle about it. It is the weirdest most freeing feeling. When you come home and your apartment isn't great, but it's your space and everything is as you left it and peaceful. It's fucking life changing. I promise it seems small, but it's amazing. There will be others here that will confirm. There is nothing quite like it, the peace.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/limberlovemuscle

Me [26M] with my wife [25F] all together 5 years I saw what looks to be a picture of my wife on my friends phone, the picture was nude

Originally posted to r/AdviceAnimals r/tifu & relationships

Eidtors Note: OOP's original post was removed from tifu only because it wasnt OOP's fuck up

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stealing nude images, harassment and violent threats!<

Original Post Jan 13, 2016

TIFU THREAD - TIFU: By looking at my friends phone

RELATIONSHIPS THREAD

We were sitting on the couch drinking a few beers watching DVR reruns of the twilight zone. Its my day off and my friend got kicked out of his house about a month ago by his girlfriend, as far as I know he did nothing wrong. He's been sleeping in a hotel and my wife and I offered to let him stay at our apartment for a few weeks until he can find a place of his own. Anyway we are sitting on the couch and he runs out of beer and gets up to go to my kitchen to get another. He puts his phone face down on the couch. I shouldn't have but I picked it up to look at it. He was looking at a picture of my wife... naked. I'm almost certain its her. I got really uncomfortable at the thought that he's browsing his phone looking at a pic of my naked wife right fucking next to me.

I quickly put down the phone where he had it and I locked the screen to be safe. When he came back I went to my bedroom to type this. Guys what do I do. Tons of thoughts are swimming through my head. Please help I dont want to do anything I regret.

TL;DR: Found a nude picture of my wife on my friends phone, who is currently living with us after getting kicked out by his girlfriend.

EDIT: I have been advised to keep quiet until I know that without a doubt he has a nude picture of my wife on his phone. I need to see it again to be certain. I dont know how to do it though.

STUFF TO KNOW: I told my wife that my friend, our mutual friend has been staying in a hotel for a few weeks after he got kicked out, we both decided to let him stay here for a few weeks until he gets a new place. I didnt get a long enough look at the picture, to say weather or not its my wife with 100% certainty. There was no face in the picture. I do not want to go around throwing out accusations.

UPDATE: My wife will be home from work in an hour 45. My friend is currently working on something in the room he's staying in(not sure what). Im in my room, reading the comments. Im going to text my wife something mundane, and see if she responds. I am not going to bring anything up I just wana see if she'll say something back. Im thinking of a few excuses to see my friends phone, if you have a good one let me know.

UPDATE 2: I was given the idea to tell him I cant find my phone and ask him to call it. He was reluctant about letting me use his phone, this is where Im worried, if he has nothing to hide why wont he let me see the phone, I dont know maybe hes really protective. He said "just walk around the apartment and and Ill keep calling it until you find it." I didnt want him to think I was suspicious so I agreed. I told him I found it and ended it there. He's going to work soon so i need to get to his phone soon.

UPDATE 3: Friend has gone to work, Wife will be home in 15-20 mins. Still haven't been able to see the picture. Should I ask my wife anything when she gets home? She didnt respond to my mundane text I forgot to mention that.

UPDATE 4: For those that were wondering, from what I remember the picture was a woman presumedly laying down with her shirt open, she had large breasts, which my wife also does, thats all I remember because after I picked it up I got a sick feeling in my stomach and locked it then put it down. If I could see it again I could pinpoint for sure if its her or not. Now onto the update, she left her phone at work.... Im worried. This has got my head spinning in all sorts of ways, I prodded just a bit and asked why she left it, she said she just forgot. Guys, holy shit im nervous. My friend is at work I cant check his phone my wife's phone is at work. FUCK. I dont know what to do. Im going to stay as calm as possible and not give anything away. Is this a sign she's hiding something. I really dont want to assume the worst, I just need to calm down for a bit. Goddammit am I craving some Vicodin again. I use to be addicted to it and the urge is back but I know I cant do it. Just to be safe I called her phone and it did ring the full 30 seconds or so. Im trying to slyly deduce whats going on. Ill update when I have more.

UPDATE 5: My wife is going to the gym, she'll be back in an hour. I feel so bad, I feel like im going behind her back. I love this woman to death and dont know what I'd do with out her. I keep being told to confront my wife or to confront my friend, which should I do. I'm not going to accuse them at all that would be wrong, so I might just let this play out little by little.

UPDATE 6: Final update for tonight, so far my post has been removed several times and I promised I would tell you guys what was going on. My wife hasn't come home from the gym yet still no phone. I am angry and very stressed Im going to bed guys. I hope I haven't failed you people. Please dont hate me.

UPDATE 7: So last night I had a pretty mean headache, I'll get them when im really stressed, and I decided to call it a night. My wife got home soon after and walked into our room, when she turned the light on she saw me laying down, she apologized and turned the light back off, she asked me why I was laying down. I just told her I was stressed and she sat down on the bed next to me and asked me what was up. I just said 'you know work' and left it there she said ok then kissed me on the forehead and asked me if I needed anything I told her I was alright, and I fell asleep not too long after our conversation.

I woke up in the middle of the night, I was having trouble sleeping, and I walked into the living room, on the balcony was my friend having a smoke, and I started feeling really angry and wanted to go out there and confront him, but I knew i needed to stay calm I walked out onto the balcony and we made small talk for a bit while he finished his cigarette. It was silent for a bit and I asked him why he was kicked out of his GF's house. "Like I told you before dude. Im really not sure, she just did, You know, I didnt do anything." It felt like such a lie, I just really wasn't thinking about it the first time. Im sure he's hiding something, he said it with such a disregard for the question, kinda like when your parents would catch you doing something and they would ask you what was going on and you would say, "Uhhhh, nothing." We said our goodbyes Exactly like that. I didn't question him any further for fear he might think I was trying to get something out of him, we talked for a bit longer about nothing important. I told him I was still pretty tired so I wanted to go back to sleep, he said goodnight and I went back to bed, I couldn't sleep though I was tossing and turning troubled by the thought of something being up.

I got up a while later to go to the gym, from there I go to work, and I had an idea. I was going to sneak into his room and get his phone and look at it, the only problem being his door was locked. I went to the gym, but didn't do much because I felt so discouraged. I got to work, where I currently am now, and decided I would use the advice I was given and check the message history through our service provider, that was tough to do because I had trouble remembering our account info but I got it all sorted. When I looked at the message logs I felt like again Im betraying my wife. So I texted her. No answer. She must have not have gotten her phone yet.I waited a while until I felt my phone vibrate.

Her: "Sorry babe got my phone back, whats up?"

Me: "Just wanted to see how you were doing, sorry we didnt talk last night I was really stressed."

Her: "Its ok, kissing emoji"

Me: "I got a question though. Do you know why (enter name here) was kicked out of (enter name here) house?"

No response. That was a few hours ago to. So Im still waiting hoping that she'll answer because im having a bit of an anxiety attack. I gave in and checked the phone logs. There were a bunch of messages back and fourth between her and myself, her and her mother, her and a few of her friends, and lastly her and the the guy who is staying with us. Nothing incriminating (I need to fix this because I messed up what I was saying) i assume this was the message because it was sent to me at the same time as my friend. only her asking him if he wanted her to pick up something for dinner, which she also sent me. Sorry for anyone one who read it the first time and was confused, thank you for the redditors who pointed it out. So honestly guys nothing major yet. Ill update if she texts back and if I have more to tell. I have a few more ideas of stuff I can do but like I said im not going to accuse until I have absolute proof, I still do not think my wife is cheating I just wana know whats going on. I get off work in about an hour.

Final Update Jan 17, 2016 (4 days later)

FINAL UPDATE: Let me start off by apologizing for taking so long to finally write this post, when shit hits the fan it gets everywhere and takes a while to clean up, so thank you all for your patience.

Alright after my last update I headed home, I was finally going to man up and ask my friend about what I saw on his phone. When I walked in the front door, put my stuff down and headed towards his room. I walked past the bathroom and heard the shower so I figured he was in it so I'd wait for him, I went into his room and right fucking there on the bed next to his bag and jacket is his fucking phone! My stomach dropped again because I knew there was no going back I was going to pick up his phone and figure out what is going on once and for all. His phone had a passcode on it but that was really easy to guess, I tried the '1234' then the reverse and after about 4 or so guesses it turned out to be the year he was born, anyway I went to his photo reel and opened it. I scrolled through a few pics of different things and then I finally landed on it. FUCK. I recognized the shirt and the room it was taken in, she took it, that is a picture that she took, here in our apartment of her upper body. That was my wife, and my friend had the picture of her on his phone. I got really really angry, I couldnt hold it back and I walked over to the door of the bathroom and started banging on it like a mad man. Im yelling his name telling him to get out here. The water goes off and hes yelling out to me asking what I want and I kept saying over and over to open the damn door. He finally does and hes putting on his pants, "What the fuck do you want man, Im getting ready for work." Thats when I dropped the question. "Why the hell, do you have a naked picture of my fucking wife on your phone."

His eyes were huge and he just started stammering, so I asked him again but with more force. "why the fuck do you have a naked picture of my wife on your phone (insert name here.)" He was trying to speak but kept stuttering and put up his hands to try and calm me down. I wasn't going to hit him but man I really wanted to. He just kept saying "wait" over and over. He gained his composure and I swear to god he says "I know your mad," I cut him off yelling "no shit" at the top of my lungs. "Did my wife send you this?" I asked over and over, I was just so incredibly angry. He finally tells me ''no'' and explains what happened. This scumbag piece of shit stole the fucking picture. From my goddamn phone! I dont even know how, but apparently icloud does bullshit like this where it stores your photos even after being deleted. (which reminds how do I disable that and get rid of the pictures.) Anyway he went to my phone and sent it to himself then deleted the message. I cant believe I fucking missed it when I read the phone thing, I didn't even think my texts would be relevant so I ignored them. I asked him if he had anymore and he swore to god he didnt he only had the one, and wanst going to do anything with it. (well not anymore I deleted it) He started apologizing over and over and well I didnt give a fuck. I told him to leave. To get all of his stuff and leave, and that I didnt want to see him again. If he came back he would regret it. different stuff like that. I texted my wife I needed to talk to her ASAP but she again didnt respond. Which is because her phone was dead, not because she was hiding something.

My wife got home like 45 mins or so after the son of a bitch left and when she got in I calmly asked if I could talk to her, she said yes, and then asked if she could plug in her phone real quick since it died at work. She didnt take long and it gave me enough time to think of what I wanted to say clearly. She came in sat down and I started talking. Actually you know what fuck it his name is Hayden fuck that dude I dont care enough to keep his name safe. "Hayden had nude pictures of you on his phone." I wasnt going to accuse I just wanted to tell her and see how she would react. She had a very confused look on her face but the one where you say "WHAT." really sternly. I explained to her all that went down with Hayden and I. She was so angry almost as much as I was, she looked like she wanted to cry and that made me want to cry. She kept asking where he was and what happened, I told her I deleted the pic off his phone when I had it, and kicked him out, she was asking if he had any others, i told her what he told me she doesn't believe that to be truth though, also if there there were legal repercussions for what he did and I told her we would check it out. Secondly I wanted to be open and honest with her, I didnt wana hide anything. I explained what happened over the past day and a half about the first time seeing it and being worried because I recognized it but wasn't 100% it was her, and how I started getting really anxious worried that something went wrong in our marriage and that I drove her away and all these fears, she sat close to me and we held each other, I was in tears over this emotional rollercoaster, I was so stressed, worried, sad, and angry at the same time that it all started coming out. She held me really tight and told me I was a good husband and reassured me that I was good after a bunch of bad shit that went down in our past. She could tell I was so worried and hurt, and she just was there for me. We both just needed to cry I guess, its cathartic and really helped. I dont know what I would do with out that woman, I love her to death. I was really tired and after our breakdowns we didnt feel much like doing anything so we laid down most of the day talking about what we were guna do to fix our situation.

I went over to Haydens ex's house and asked her why she kicked him out and explained the situation with him having a pic of my wife on his phone. Turns out the mother fucker cheated on her. I was disgusted, I never expected him to do that, but after what went on it didn't hit me as hard as I thought it would. She was pretty disgusted with Haydens behavior and told me a lot of stuff I never knew about him, it was really uncomfortable to hear but she needed to vent. I went to a law office close to us and asked around about the legal repercussions of stealing someones photos. They gave me a number of different options that im going to bring up to my wife, the biggest one that I see working is a law suit.

When I got home my wife showed me a bunch of texts she received from Hayden,(he sent me a few that I ignored) he was more than likely drunk because the texts were so hard to understand, he kept apologizing and would send one every 10 minutes and it was getting annoying. So she turned off her phone the rest of the day was quiet until he came to our door and started begging us to forgive him, I felt really bad, this dude was sorry, drunk, probably didnt go to work, and tired. I told him he needed to leave us alone and we would get in touch with him later, he was ok with that. Im not sure where he went but im assuming it was a hotel or possibly another friends house. Before you ask he didnt drive to our apartment he took and uber thing.

He started pestering us more and this time was getting a bit violent, with threats and different things, this guy was acting like such a fucking scumbag, I tried to be nice but now hes trying to play innocent while threatening us with some of his "I didnt do anything wrong, dont tell anyone or ill fuck you up." FUCK HAYDEN Seriously, He was really pissing me off, wouldn't stop calling us. My wife was worried that he would come over and try and make good on his threats so I stayed with her the entire day mildly worried myself. We both decided we are going to press charges now because of how immature he is being and even threatening us, I thought we could handle this like adults but, now he's bringing it on himself. I want this all to be over. Im tired and want things done, but it'll come in time.

Thank you guys for being there for me on this crazy journey. It really means a lot that strangers on the internet want to help me with my problems. I needed a place to vent and validate my suspicions and just feel like people had my back if it all went down hill. Thank you so much you people mean a whole lot. Aside for the occasional death threats and just weird stuff, I appreciate the messages you would send me so I felt like I wasn't alone. Thank you reddit.

-/u/limberlovemuscle

Also one final thing. Fuck Hayden

FINAL COMMENTS

gfuller23 - Jan 28, 2016 (11 days later)

>How's the progress going on pressing charges? Is he still around and making threats?

OOP

>>He stopped and we have a lawyer working on our case

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayweirdissue

Girlfriend (24F) wants me (24M) to stop hanging out with her father and refuses to explain why. How do I figure out what is going on?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity!<

Original Post Oct 10, 2019

So this is a weird one, at least for me. Anne and I have been dating for a little over an year now. I met her parents when we were 2 months together or so. She always spoke very highly of them and never mentioned any conflict that could have been the cause of the current issue.

I've had some bad experiences with fathers in my past relationships but Anne's father was a nice surprise to have. He's a very cool dude and you can see he truly cares about his family and the happiness of every member.

After I met her parents and got along with them, we would visit them at least twice a month. Sometimes it was Anne's idea and sometimes her parents would invite us to dinner with Anne's siblings. Once again, those were always positive experiences and both me and Anne enjoyed it.

Then one day her father invited me to meet him so we could get some beer. I invited Anne but she didn't want to so I went by myself. He talked about his life, his job, random topics and I did the same. I had a pretty good time so when he invited me the next month I went again. So this became a thing, each month we meet up to drink beer and talk,

Anne never said anything negative about this, in fact when I would come back she would ask if I had fun and we would talk a little bit about it.

I was surprised three days ago to have her come and ask me to stop hanging out with her father. I asked if something had happened and she said that it didn't, she just wanted me to stop. This was something new because we usually talk about everything as openly as we can manage, it was something that we made sure to estabilish at the beginning due to our past experiences. So this is a very strange behavior coming from her.

I tried asking her if they had argued or if he had said/done something to upset her but she changes the subject or flat out tells me to just stop hanging out with him and move on. I don't know if I should ask her father about this and to be honest it is not something that I want to do. Everything is normal unless I bring up this subject. Just today she was talking about her family planning the birthday of her sister next week and it was like nothing was happening.

I don't want to make decisions without knowing what is going on behind them but I don't know how to get the answers without having to bring in more people into this. Anyone could give me some insight?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Editors Note: commenters had 2 alternating theories

Improbablyfromhell

> I think you should respect her, but also not just let this go. > > The first thing that popped into my mind is that she planning to end the relationship with you and doesn't want her dad and you to be buddies to minimise the awkwardness. > > But then again that's just the first thing I thought of.

OOP

>>This possiblity did not cross my head at all. Mostly because our relationship is completely normal as it was before. I will keep this in mind, maybe I will try asking her about our relationship instead of asking about her father.

~

blackandwhitepaint

> We don't know, bud. I'd try to respect it since it's her family, not yours. Maybe they have a feud that you don't know about, and she's not ready to talk about it. There's always more going on in family than you think you know just by looking in as an outsider. If you don't know, and have no real stakes, why not just respect what she wants. > > I have a father who is kind and charming and generous, and misogynistic. He loves to talk to his sons in law about how women suck. His daughters are ok with them all being together, but when the guys are alone together, the daughters get uncomfortable about what kind of toxiic male bonding they're doing, and for good reason I think. Not saying this is what's going on, but she as a daughter probably has better insight and valid reasons.

OOP

>>This is what bugs me the most. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of who they are as a family but now I have to doubt that and I have to worry about what is going on when I'm not there. Is it going to be a thing that will keep affecting my relationship with my girlfriend? Are we going to keep having these weird moments?

Update - rareddit Oct 15, 2019 (5 days later)

So I just want to start by saying that I should probably start paying more close attention to the people around me.

After I made the post I decided the best route was to speak to Anne about our relationship and dig more into the father issue later. To my surprise this time it didn't take long because she just burst into tears. She reassured me that everything was fine between us but there was an issue with her parents and I wasn't supposed to know from her but she is very angry at her father and this was how the issue between us came to be.

Her father is having an affair, has been seeing this woman for 10 months. Anne's mother had no idea something was up until he said he was going out with me for a beer and then later Anne sent a picture of me and her at a party that same night.

Then, he went out twice to meet up with me for a beer which was weird (we only went out once a month) but he told her I was helping him out with an idea for a project he had for their house. Since at this point she was suspicious she started to check with Anne whenever he said he was going out with me.

Things started to get more obvious and Anne's father ended up coming clean a few weeks ago. They broke the news to their sons and daughters but had a special talk with Anne since her father had been using my name in this mess and her mother thought it was only right for him to talk to me and apologize. Anne tried to keep quiet but ended up lashing out which caused the issue between us.

I did have a talk with her father and it was extremely awkward, he apologized and said he hoped we could keep being friends once everything was settled. Don't know about that though.

Anne has also apologized but this has really taken a toll on her so I'm not holding it against her.

Thanks to everyone who replied to the first post, even though most of you made me a little paranoid that I was going to get dumped I still got some good insight.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. Just turned 30, he’s 35.

I’ve always had a higher libido than him, kind of sucked but I worked with it, until I found out his “stomach problems” and hour-long bathroom sessions were really just him gooning to freshly-turned-18 year old girls. Knowing he’s probably brushed me off hundreds of times because he prefers to watch teens on a screen was such a sickening thing to find out.

Plus the older I get the younger they look. At this point 18 year olds kind of look like kids to me (not like actual children, but not fully adults yet either, you know?) so now I can’t help but feel like he’s a creep, too.

Like there have distinctly been times I thought he was checking a girl out, but then thought to myself “no way, she’s too young looking.” I used to want him so bad, now all I see when I look at him is a weirdo loser that’d break his neck driving by a high school girl’s soccer game. Genuinely cannot think of anything more unattractive than the picture in my head of him wanking it on a toilet to girls as young as legally possible.

Weird that he’s more interested in me now that I want nothing to do with him.

Anyway, I signed another lease and will be moving out soon. Haven’t told anyone about this IRL.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Rosalie_amber posting in r/WhatShouldIDo

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 7th May 2026

Update1 - 7th May 2026

Update2 - 8th May 2026

I found a used condom in my man's car

I (26F) and my boyfriend (28M) and I have been together for three years. This morning, he took my car to run a quick errand, so I used his to grab groceries. My phone slid under the passenger seat, and while I was fishing for it, I pulled out a used condom. The thing is we don’t use them. I’ve been on the pill the entire time we've been together.I just stared at it in the parking lot for ten minutes. I checked the trash in the car and found a receipt from a pharmacy across town from two days ago when he said he was "working late." I’m waiting for him to get home now. I want to believe there’s an explanation, but my gut is making me sick. How do I even bring this up?

Comments

Fickle_Ad_8227

Who keeps used condoms? He sounds dirty af. You should leave him just for that

OldChocolate3229

honestly the audacity to not even throw it away is a whole separate level of disrespect

Heavy-Commercial-323

Yeah, there is no explanation. Do not believe his lies girl

>OOP: I know... you’re right. I’m sitting here looking at it and I feel like I don't even know who he is. He’s supposed to be home in 10 minutes and I’m literally shaking. I keep trying to think of a logical reason but there isn't one. Who even does this? In his own car

Neomash001

Just pack. This will not end well. The evidence is too conclusions. When he comes home, finds you packing, just walk out. Get the rest later. I wouldn't confront. Just a note , by the condom, & where found. Leave. Get your stuff. BLOCK. This one is not your future and not worth a single emotion from you. You deserve so much better. Straighten your crown, and move on.

Update - 3 hours later

alot of you asked for update, it’s over. i’m at my sister's house , when he got home, i didn't even give him a chance to put his keys down. i just held up the bag with the condom in it. he tried the most pathetic lie. he said he found it in the parking lot at his gym and didn't want someone to step on it so he picked it up to throw away later. i just looked at him until he stopped talking. then i showed him the pharmacy receipt from tuesday for the box of condoms. he just slumped onto the couch and started crying. he admitted it’s been happening for about two months with someone from his old job. i didn't even stayed to hear the rest. i just grabbed my clothes, and left. i feel like i’m in a bad movie. three years of my life ended because my phone happened to slide under a seat. i’ve blocked him on everything but he’s already messaged my sister trying to explain himself. thanks for everyone who told me not to believe his lies.

Comments

GiJewTheRealHebrew

Just be glad it ended now and not 5 years further down the line

AdDense1161

Or after children

jonwar5

Or multiple STI's

Update - 1 days later

hey everyone.

thanks for all the support, honestly it’s the only thing keeping me sane right now,

i’m still at my sister’s. i went back to the apartment this morning while he was at work to grab my work clothes and rest of the dog's stuff. it was so surreal being there. i found the rest of the box of condoms hidden in the bottom of a laundry basket. he didn't even try to hide them well. he just didn't care.he’s been blowing up my sister’s phone since i blocked him. he sent this long, rambling text saying he "only did it because he was stressed" and that he "never meant to hurt me." the typical nonsense. i haven't replied and i don't plan to.

my sister has been a total rock. now I'm just trying to figure out how to tell my parents why the wedding (we were planning for next year) isn't happening. honestly, i'm just done. i don't have any more tears left for this. i’m staying with my sister for the foreseeable future and focusing on getting my life back together. i'm closing this chapter today.i really want to thank everyone here for the support and for helping me see things clearly when i was in total shock. you guys probably saved me months, or even years, of more lies.

Comments

MrDaveHedgehog

“ now I'm just trying to figure out how to tell my parents why the wedding (we were planning for next year) isn't happening.”

You’ve done nothing wrong and have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed/anxious/worried about.

Tell them straight exactly why the wedding is off. They’ll have your back instantly and you retain control of yourself and your situation.

Go easy on yourself and then go and treat yourself. You’re back in charge of your life and dodged a bullet with a waster. Enjoy your future.

TARDISkitty

Right?! Still having the wedding, after I caught him cheating would disappoint the hell of of my loved ones. Doing what OP did would just make them proud of me, and disgusted with him.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/SAHDthrowaway1

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: NO FURTHER UPDATES

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 30, 2015

• Final Update: September 01, 2015

---

Main Post

^(August 30, 2015)

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Me [31 M] SAHD being sexually harassed/assaulted by neighborhood mom [30s/40s F]

Background: I am a stay at home dad in an upscale neighborhood in Southern California. My wife is a successful media personality (not super famous but known, think c/d lister). The local moms have a facebook group for stay at home parents and arrange meetings and playdates through the group. Marsha runs the fb group and sets up most of the meetings. Marsha and her husband have a beautiful pool and so most of the stay at home moms congregate there during the day. I joined the group when we moved in a few months ago and my 3 year old daughter has a blast at the pool and is friends with several of the children there and is especially close with Marsha's 3 year old twins.

The issue: I am an attractive man and I have a good physique so it is not uncommon for women to flirt with me. When I first met up with the group, most of the women were friendly and happily included me and my daughter "Isabelle". During the first group playdate Marsha was a little overly flirtatious and made a few remarks about my looks. Saying stuff like "now that we are adding a cute guy to the group we are going to have to get dressed up to just take our kids out." And telling the other women "don't tell everyone in the neighborhood we have a hot dad in our group or it will become overrun with nannies."

I just brushed off these comments as harmless flirtations. I was flattered and didn't think much of it. But as I started to spend more time with the group some of the moms started to make me uncomfortable with their behavior, notably "Marsha" and another mom, "Kelly".

The main group has 7 women, 5 are moms and 2 are nannies. There are a few others in the neighborhood that join once in a while. Marsha is clearly the leader. She plans most of the group meetings and sets the terms. During the summer we hang out at her house everyday because she has an amazing pool area. My daughter loves to go in the pool but is obviously too young to go in alone so I wear a normal bathing suit and take off my shirt to bring her into the pool. Almost every time I take off my shirt Marsha makes some kind of lewd comment or gasps. When I was in the pool the other day another one of the moms (Kelly) touched my stomach and said "how do you get abs like that?" I just laughed and said "diet and exercise" and pulled away. She then stepped toward me and said "maybe you can train me?" and then ran her hand across my stomach again. Marsha yelled at Kelly "Stop hitting on my boyfriend!!!" and most of the moms laughed.

Then things escalated when Kelly sent me some explicit texts. She said "I am shopping for a new swimsuit what do you think of these?" and sent me several picture of her in bikinis. I just said that they looked good. I know I shouldn't have said anything but I didn't want to make waves or be awkward. I literally just responded with "they look good" and didn't say anything else. A few days later Kelly was at the pool and thanked me for the feedback on the swimsuits. Marsha overheard and again accused Kelly of trying to seduce her "boyfriend". I said "my wife is my only girlfriend" (makes no sense I know but I was trying to make a point.) Marsha said "seems like your wife is more interested in (coworker on tv) than you or your daughter." I just kind of laughed and said she didn't know what she was talking about. We kind of left it awkwardly at that.

That night Marsha sent me a text of her in bikini bottoms with just her arm over her breasts saying "what do you think of these bottoms?" I didn't respond and then she sent a picture of her in the bottoms with nothing over her breasts. I responded "this is inappropriate". The next morning she texted me and said she was sorry for being inappropriate and she wants me to come to the pool the next day. I accepted the invitation and took Isabelle over the next day and acted like nothing was wrong. We both went into the pool and put our kids on a raft and we were both holding the raft. She came on the same side as me and then reached down and grabbed my penis through my swimsuit under the water. I immediately jumped back and grabbed my daughter and told her it was time to go. My daughter was having a great time and she started wailing and pleading to let her stay and Marsha kept saying "please let her stay, shes having so much fun."

I want to go back because my daughter loves to hang out with her friends at the pool. I want to say something to Marsha (and Kelly) that stops this behavior but I am worried Marsha will ostracize us from the group if I embarrass her publicly. She has "banned" other moms from the group for questioning her authority before and acts like a bully in general. I have to deal with her because she has 3 year old twins who are my daughters best friends and I really think it is in my daughter's best interest to be included in the group. And truthfully, I also really enjoy being in the group most of the time. I need to let the women know I am not interested and their behavior is inappropriate. I think maybe I should post something on the facebook group page so it doesn't seem personal, and even though Marsha and Kelly have been the only ones to cross the line some of the others have been sort of inappropriate with comments or leering, but that seems very awkward to me.

I don't want to involve their husbands or my wife because I don't want to create any unnecessary drama.

What is the best way to handle this? If I made a post on the facebook page what should I say.

tl;dr: Two of the moms in a neighborhood parenting group have been overly friendly/flirtatious with me and the behavior is escalating, especially Marsha. I want to shut down the inappropriate behavior without making the women uncomfortable and risking being ostracized from the group.

Edit: I appreciate the feedback and the overwhelming majority thinks I need to tell my wife. I think I will tell her that Marsha and Kelly have been inappropriately flirtatious. Then I will pull them aside tomorrow and tell them the behavior needs to stop. If they react poorly I will cut bait from the group. If they seem normal maybe I will continue to hang out with the group sometimes but less often.

Edit 2: Thank you all for the feedback. I have realized I was downplaying this situation and don't think I even want to try being a part of the group anymore. My daughter will get over it and make new friends and someone made a great point about how these shitty moms will raise shitty kids I don't want her around anyway.

I am going to tell my wife what has been going on and quietly withdraw from the group. I think I was deluding myself because hanging by the pool all day gossiping with moms while my daughter had fun playing with all the kids was so pleasant and now I have to find new activities to do with her. But it will be for the best.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

OOP to a long Thread >Your response woke me up. I think I have been downplaying the behavior because my life would be much easier if it didn't exist. > >The thing is, my daughter is going to live in this neighborhood for the foreseeable future and these children will be her friends. I feel like I have to address the situation somehow. > >Both Marsha and Kelly are married. I could show their husbands the texts if push came to shove but honestly it seems like a nuclear option that would probably negatively impact my family. I just want a normal neighborly relationship. Maybe it is too far gone to expect that. > >& > >I don't think my daughter has picked up on the negative behavior. I hope not. But I agree if it continues she will be negatively affected. > >I think maybe threatening to tell their husbands could solve the problem. "If you guys continue to do/text inappropriate things I will have to tell your husbands." > >Just typing that makes me think the situation is untenable. Since it sounds so childish. Maybe it is time to move on but that is going to cause such a headache. We just bought our dream house in our dream neighborhood and if my daughter stops hanging out with her friends and I tell my wife why we are going to probably have to move.

---

cat_romance >I think any comment against them is going to get you banned from the group. So leave under your own steam. If you make a comment without having warned your wife first you better believe Marsha is going to attack you to your wife. Your best bet is to tell your wife and get her take. She might just prefer you leave the group or she might want to tell their husbands. She deserves to be a part of the conversation. > >OOP >>"I think any comment against them is going to get you banned from the group. So leave under your own steam." >> >>This is a good point. Especially if I say anything publicly. Maybe I will pull the two women aside and mention that their inappropriate behavior needs to stop. >> >>inspctrgdgt >>>You are so far past that. It's this kind of thinking which has me seriously questioning your motives. What would it take for you to say, "Forget these crazy bitches, they don't deserve any consideration from me, I'm going for the nuclear option"? >>> >>>OOP >>>>It has been a few instances in 3 months. If they just treated me normally it would be a great situation for me and my daughter. It didn't seem as dire to me until I typed it all out and got the feedback.

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RememberKoomValley >>I don't want to involve their husbands or my wife because I don't want to create any unnecessary drama. > >You must involve your wife. Sit her down, say "I have to tell you this, even though it's awful, before someone else does." Because someone else WILL. Probably Marsha herself. And then discuss together how to handle it. > >>I really think it is in my daughter's best interest to be included in the group > >And learn how to be a woman from these women? Learn from such a young age that the objectification of another's body is reasonable, normal, adult behavior? > >OOP >>I really don't want to involve my wife because even though she is an amazing woman she can be a little hot tempered/dramatic. And if she ever lashed out on fb/social media or even text it could really hurt her. Which I think there is a non zero chance of happening. >> >>I don't think Marsha would want this to be public because her husband is very high profile. But it definitely is possible. >> >>Honestly it occurred to me this could happen and is one of the reasons I posted this. I could show my wife as evidence and I think she would understand why I didn't bring it to her attention right away. >> >>As for my daughter. I don't know. The kids are great and it is just 2 of the women that she has limited access to but I see your point.

---

Final update - after 2 days

^(September 01, 2015)

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UPDATE- Me [31 M] SAHD being sexually harassed/assaulted by neighborhood mom [30s/40s F]

I want to thank everyone for the helpful advice. It is very clear to me I was being intentionally obtuse about the situation. The truth is, hanging by the pool everyday while my daughter played was such a good situation that I wanted to avoid reality because it was easier for me. I decided to tell my wife what was going on and avoid going back to the group.

First Marsha texted me Monday and asked me when I was coming over. I told her we weren't going to come because "your behavior has made me very uncomfortable and it is not a good situation for me or my daughter." She said "wtf are you talking about?" I said "I'm not going to play this game, you know what I am talking about." Then she said "I will be more discreet." I responded "I am not interested in any kind of sexual or flirtatious relationship, we won't be hanging out with the group anymore." She said "lol do you have your period haha?" I blocked her number.

My in laws took my daughter to the beach so I sat my wife down and told her everything and showed her the texts. Initially, she didn't handle it well at all. She was very angry and directed it at me. She accused me of liking the attention and "being a flirt". This is something we have argued about before and honestly I am not overly flirtatious in any way that would be considered inappropriate. She has talked about this with her therapist and the therapist even told her that she is too sensitive about it and my behavior is normal. I told her I am friendly and I sometimes do flirt (it's just my nature) but I never have crossed any lines and never would. This isn't my fault and I just wanted to make her aware of why I was going to be avoiding Marsha and the group in the future.

We kept talking and she kept trying to push some blame onto me and said I like making her jealous. We have this rule in our relationship where we can say a certain word and the other person has to give a completely honest answer with no bull shit or posturing. So I invoked the word and said "Do you really think I did anything wrong or did any of this to hurt you or make you jealous?" She stopped in her tracks and thought for a second and calmed down. She apologized and said she knows I didn't do anything wrong, she was just angry. She asked me what I was going to do about it. My wife thought I should tell her husband now but honestly Marsha feeds on drama and gossip and I just want to cut ties with her. She likes to think of herself as being on a reality show (she always talks about how she would be perfect for real housewives but her husband won't let her do it). Telling her husband might be a "bro" thing to do but furthering this drama and creating a war with Marsha is not good for my family living in this neighborhood. Also its not like her husband doesn't know what she is like. My hope is Marsha will just leave it be until the next dramatic plot in her fictional show grabs her attention.

My wife saw her therapist today and called me after and apologized for her behavior and reiterated that she felt I did nothing wrong.

I don't really know what to tell my daughter. My wife's therapist told her that we should tell my daughter "in an age appropriate way" that Marsha was rude to me so we aren't going to play there anymore. I don't think that is the best approach. It would lead to more questions/confusion and I don't even want to have to tell my daughter that Marsha is mean or rude. Especially because I don't know what will happen in the future between our kids. It is possible they will interact/be friends down the line.

Today I took her to an animal shelter to look for a dog to adopt (we had been planning this anyway.) So she was super focused on that and didn't even think about the playgroup. My plan now is to just set up playdates with some of the other kids without Marsha and plan activities for a while and eventually it will just become normal not to see them everyday.

Does anyone have any opinions on this part?

I will update again if anything happens with Marsha. It is definitely possible she does something crazy which would be entertaining for you guys but my hope is she just leaves it alone.

tl;dr: Marsha continues to be a jerk. Talked to my wife (borat voice, seriously go back and read again in borat voice), she was upset. Left playgroup. Getting dog!

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COMMENTS

DRHdez >Is there a public pool you can go nearby? in a community center maybe? That way your daughter gets her fun time in the water and she might meet new kids there. > >You handled this in a very appropriate way. Kudos. > >OOP >>I know this is silly but we actually have a pool. Marsha just has an amazing set up with waterslides and cabana/pool house so the group goes there everyday. It wasn't so much about the pool. I was just using that as an excuse because it was more fun to be a part of the group. But I was ignoring that being part of the group meant submitting to Marsha's rule.

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Snowboots11 >Yes op, be preparedness for the rumor mill. Hopefully she won't spin sexual assault story. Save those messages. > >OOP >>I have all the messages saved. I wouldn't be surprised if she said something like I hit on her and she turned me down. I don't care if she does. She doesn't have much credibility. I doubt she would claim sexual assault, but it is possible.

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I_Me_Myself >Thanks for the update, but seem like the "quiet before the storm" honestly. Masha will definitely make up some lies when the other SAHPs ask why you not attending their group sessions anymore so I would keep those texts message handy. > >OOP >>I think if she says anything about it she will say I hit on her and she turned me down. But Marsha is a pathological liar/rumor starter. She doesn't hold much credibility so I don't think the rumor would cause much damage. Even if this group of 5 moms think I hit on Marsha I don't really care. >> >>I_Me_Myself >>>The worst rumor she can throw out is you giving creepy looks to the children which would be a devastating rumor and could alienate you and your family from the neighborhood. So be prepared. >>> >>>OOP >>>>I did consider this. I don't think it is the type of rumor she would start though. Sadly as a SAHD whenever I interact with the children I always have this in the back of my mind. One time I was at a store with my daughter and I took her into the bathroom, when we came out there were 2 cops there and they questioned me and then questioned my daughter who just turned 3 with me out of ear shot. Someone reported that I "dragged a child into the bathroom." She was terrified and then was afraid to use the bathroom in public. >>>> >>>>2 weeks ago my nephews were visiting and I took them to Marsha's pool. They are 7 and 9 so I was lifting them up over my head and throwing them into the deep end. A bunch of other kids ran over and asked me to throw them. My first thought was the other parents will think I am trying to touch their kids. My second thought was someone is going to get hurt and I will get sued. I told my nephews we had to stop because it was too dangerous.

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OOP to a long comment >She is embroiled in some kind of drama every week. My hope is she will move on to the next one. > >I don't think Kelly will be a problem. She seemed more desperate/looking for validation than predatory. > >There are plenty of other kids in the neighborhood to play with. The core group of 5 from the playgroup will be off limits because I am sure we will be blacklisted. I now realize these aren't the people I should be hanging out with and exposing my daughter to anyway. > >I don't plan on telling anyone. If someone asks directly I will tell them the truth but I am not going to be a part of her show.

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lousymom >Dumb question: How do you set-up this "truth" word with your wife? And how do you both make sure you actually meet the terms? This is somewhat fascinating. > >OOP >>My two biggest problems with my wife were she is hard to communicate with when she is angry because she just says things to try to make me upset because she can't stand when I am so calm in an argument. The other was she never would just take a compliment (eg. "How do I look in this dress?" "You look amazing" "No, really?..." ad nauseum). >> >>So one day we were discussing a "safe word" for sex and I had the idea of a safe word for arguments. So I proposed the idea and my wife liked it. We both promised to never lie when the word was used. It only works if both people are committed to it. And we promised not to abuse it by invoking it all of the time. Only in serious situations. But it cuts out so much bull shit, we can get to the point if we are having an argument and now when she says "how do I look in this dress? I say "Amazing" "No, really?" "(truth word) Amazing." and that is the end of it.

---

undercarriageaciddip >Dude I hope in your convos with your wife you admitted some responsibility for not immediately going to her with the bikini pics. It's obviously not your fault for what happened to you, but at least some of your wife's ire is understandable because you withheld the situation from her, making her think you might be condoning it. I'm not jealous of that BS though. I'm about 8 years removed from my fit young buck days but I know middle aged ladies with some drinks in them can become hyenas. > >OOP >>My wife works super hard, my main job is to run the house/family. I try to keep as much off her plate as possible. I agree this is something she needed to know but I think my concerns were valid and it was perfectly acceptable to take a few days to consider what to do. My wife knows I am a calculated and deliberate person who likes to take time to consider options. She loves this quality in me because she is impulsive and spontaneous and we balance each other out really well.

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---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/wayofthefrog79

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 18, 2015

• Final Update: August 09, 2015

---

Main Post

^(July 18, 2015)

---

My [30M] wife [29F] just recently had our first child. Our sex live has taken a nose dive because I see her as a mom instead of my wife now. How do I get past this?

My wife and I have always had a great sex life. Even during her pregnancy it was great. About 6 months ago, she gave birth to our first child, and ever since we've been physically able to have sex after the birth, our sex life has taken a big hit.

Although my wife looks just as good as she ever did, I just keep getting hung up on the fact that she is a mom now. Seeing her body used to grow and nurse our child has changed the way I view her and made it difficult for me to see her in a sexual way. It may seem crazy, but I feel dirty and just don't enjoy the sex because of this mindset.

She has certainly noticed my decreased desire and worries that she isn't as attractive as she used to be. I've tried to reassure her, but I don't think she believes me since I don't want sex as often. The thing is I'm not really sure it would be any better to tell her that it's because I see her as a mom and not as a sexual being anymore. That just seems like it would only fuel her insecurities.

I'm just not sure how (1) I change this mindset and (2), in the meantime, reassure her that I still want her as much as I ever did. I miss her and I miss the sex.

tl;dr: My wife recently had our first baby. Since that time, I view her as more of a mom than as my sexual partner. This has ruined my desire to have sex with her, and I want to get past this.

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COMMENTS

Aureez >What's the relationship like with your own mother? > >OOP >>Um, I don't know what to say. I don't really have a relationship with her. >> >>Aureez >>>Hmm it's a difficult one, because you are idolising her to a degree, usually that can stem from doing the same thing with your mother and not having a relationship puts that idea on hold, what used to attract you to your wifes body? and how do you view these things now? >>> >>>OOP >>>>I was trying to think of how to describe it but "idolizing" is a perfect way to describe it. I just feel like she's off-limits to me now because of her mother status. In terms of purely psychical things, I really loved her breasts and legs. The things are fine, but I definitely see her breasts as the baby's food source instead of my fun things.

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Spoonbills >They're also her fun things, though, too. > >Would it help to focus on pleasuring her? For all sorts of reasons, including helping you see her as a sexual creature, whose body gives and receives pleasure? > >OOP >>I think so. It would help me reestablish that sexual relationship, which would help me stop viewing her just as a mother.

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short_round_180 >She is a mom, but that's not all she is! Trust me by after carrying, delivering and nursing the child she wants to be her old self too, occasionally. > >Have you guys had a date night? Do you have someone that can watch the baby even for a few hours so you can get down to business, without the baby in the house. That can be it's own hurdle, worrying about waking the baby. > >Maybe check into a hotel, so you aren't surrounded by reminders of the baby. > >Moms are people too. She's also someone's daughter, that didn't stop you from banging her! We all serve multiple roles in our lives, but no single role defines us. > >OOP >>Our support system isn't great, so it's hard to find a babysitter. Yeah, like I told someone else, although I love our daughter very much, if I could just get some alone time without being reminded of her then that would help a lot!

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McCheesySauce >That's a super common problem a lot of new dads run into. You just need to start interacting with your wife more, less as a mother but more as a spouse. Go out on dates, flirt, experiment with naughty books, just do things that don't make you think "Mother!" when you look at her. > >OOP >>That may be most of the problem. I think, since the baby was born, almost all of our interactions have been in our role as parents. If we could manage to get some free time, I think it would do us a lot of good.

---

lambertthesheepish >Can I ask, do you think you might be jealous or resentful of your daughter and the attention she's getting from your wife? This can co-exist with loving feelings for your daughter. Also, while time away from your daughter could be beneficial to your relationship, consider what your wife needs/wants as well. She shouldn't be forced to leave her baby to be seen as a sexual being when the problem is in your head. Maybe try flirting with her and kissing and cuddling in the presence of the baby too, otherwise you're setting yourself up for a situation where it's deeply ingrained in you that you cannot be sexual unless your daughter is out of sight, out of mind. And that's going to force your wife to choose between you and your daughter a lot in the future. > >OOP >>I don't feel any jealously of my daughter. I understand that we have different places in my wife's life. I don't mind some flirting when the baby is around, but I just don't feel comfortable doing a lot of it when she's in the room. It just weirds me out.

---

janestanford >6 months is not that long! It's very normal for couples with young children to have a change in their sex lives. For many people things don't go back to "normal" for 18 months to 2 years. Everyone is different, but I don't think you should be concerned about this at this point. Talk to your partner, it's not unusual for you both to undergo a change in your sexual desire post-baby. > >I'd suggest "The Longest Shortest Time" a podcast about parenthood, as well as "The Savage Lovecast" as they both give great post-baby sex advice. > >Good Luck! Do not despair, and congratulations! > >OOP >>Thanks for the awesome advice.

---

Final update - after 22 days

^(August 09, 2015)

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[update] My wife [29F] just recently had our first child. Our sex live has taken a nose dive because I see her as a mom instead of my wife now. How do I get past this?

tl;dr: My wife recently had our first baby. Since that time, I view her as more of a mom than as my sexual partner. This has ruined my desire to have sex with her, and I want to get past this.

---

I thought I would give you guys an update and a thank you. There were so many helpful comments in my original post!

I talked to my wife about my feelings and let her know that I had been having a difficult time seeing her in a sexual light since she'd given birth to our daughter. I explained that it was in no way her fault; I just was idealizing her body and being in a way that made me feel that she was sacrosanct. We talked more and came up with some ways that could help me get past this. Long story short, we've been able to spend a lot of time together as a couple the last few weekends, and things are great again, if you know what I mean ;). We're both very happy, and our daughter is doing well.

Thanks, everyone!

tl;dr: Wife and I came up with ways to help me get over this. Things are great again!!!!!!

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COMMENTS

Jinglemoon >Great update. Sex won't ever be exactly like it was before kids, but that doesn't mean it can't still be fantastic. Great that you guys worked things out. > >OOP >>It's still pretty good. I really missed having that intimacy with her, so I'm really glad it's back.

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smokebreak >Don't knock her up again if that's not what you want! New moms can be extremely fertile! > >OOP >>We want another child at some point. But TIL new moms can be extremely fertile.

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ayhme posting in r/Renters

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 16th March 2026

Update - 6th May 2026

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Landlord died and he has no Will or Realtives. What should I do?

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My landlord passed away over the weekend. He did not have a Will and I'm not aware that he has any close relatives.

There is a reverse mortgage on the home I was told about last week.

I believe the probate process will take a while in the home is likely going to escheat to the state?

A neighbor believes a distant cousin may try and claim the house.

I already reached out to a real estate attorney to get some advice about the situation.

I believe the bank will take the home first if there was a reverse mortgage?

This whole thing was coming for awhile since he was sick but I'm trying to figure out what I should do.

Any advice or tips?

UPDATE - The lease is month-to-month currently. Been here a few years.

UPDATE 2 - Spoke with a real estate lawyer today.

With a Reverse Mortgage the bank will take ownership.

The process generally is slow. She would be surprised if I heard anything for months.

I would get right of first refusal to purchase the home.

Her recommendation was to save the rent money. Sometimes the executor doesn't bother. It can be more hassle for them to get back rent from tenants.

You still legally own rent if I'm here.

UPDATE 3 - The landlord lived in the home. It has 2 apartment units. I am on 2nd floor and he was on the 1st floor.

UPDATE 4 - Unless you are licensed lawyer, most of the advice in this thread from Redditors is totally wrong.

UPDATE 5 - I went into the state land records and saw the landlord created a deed transfer upon death to a friend. He then undid it a few years later. I don't see anything about a Reverse Mortgage but this seems odd.

I assume the only reason to do this is to get a Reverse Mortgage?

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Comments

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blueiron0

Open up a new bank account and start depositing your monthly rent into it. It will protect you from eviction by showing a good faith desire to pay.

Once you're made aware of the correct party to pay, you can transfer the escrowed money to them. No matter who takes over, your lease should still be valid.

FilecoinLurker

This. Your lease stays valid as far as I know in every state until the end of the term specified in the lease. Even if ownership changes. Whether or not that new owner will renew your lease is another story. I would look at backup plans if your lease is ending soon

SpringBeginning1298

Start looking for another place to stay because eventually the owner of that reverse mortgage loan is going to come for the property and/or the city is going to come after the property for unpaid property taxes. Ride it out as long as you can though and save up.

>OOP: Thanks. Will do.

PhysicsTeachMom

Like others said, put the rent into a savings account. Also, something similar happened to me. The bank paid me $5,000 to clean up and get out within 45 days. This was over 20 years ago so not sure how much they pay now.

>OOP: Cash for keys? 🔑. I guess it's less expensive for them to pay you to leave.

RandomTreat

Yup. When my dad passed, we didn't want to inherit his financial mess. So we knew the house was going to be reclaimed by the bank at some point. I ended up getting to stay there for free for a year, and they paid me I think about a grand to leave.

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**Judgement - NTA**

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Update - 2 months later

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I posted about how my Landlord Died an he left no Will and does not have Relatives.

Some Redditors wanted updates. :)

1. Rent

I have not paid rent in 3-months but I am putting away the money into a savings account.

Somewhat doubtful anyone will ask about this for a long time.

2. Neighbors

I've met more neighbors in the past month than I ever have in this neighborhood for the past few years.

People stop by to chat when I am outside all the time.

Everyone wants to know what is happening with the home and maintenance. Most are concerned that the home doesn't become an eyesore.

Some want me to rent out the 1st floor unit because they know people that need a place. Some seem interested in buying the home.

This is a desirable neighborhood.

3. Estate

I checked the Register of Wills. Nobody has opened up an estate on the dead landlord.

The clerk said I should enjoy this time. It can take 1-year for something like this to settle.

Some estates he said take years.

4. Friend

The landlord had a friend that loaned him money. This guy is very keen to claim he has rights to the home apparently.

My lawyer said since the owner deeded it back to himself, the friend does not.

5. Liens

There will be a lien on the home for the solar panels and system. I'm unsure how much it will be but likely at least $20k - $30k.

It was an expensive setup at the time installed and it is in the Land Records he used equity in the home to finance it.

There was also someone that stopped by to give the neighbor documents about the Reverse Mortgage?

Supposedly he owed $80k on the home. I don't know if this is true or not yet.

For some reason she gave it the friend the letter without letting me know.

6. Problematic Neighbor

There is a neighbor that used to help landlord go to medical appointments. She has a key to the 1st floor unit and has been entering the unit.

First she was helping clear out food out of the fridges. Helpful imho.

Now she is taking his stuff and donating it. I told her I did not want her doing that.

She is old and senile though. Unsure if I need to get a lawyer involved or something?

She also keeps saying it isn't her business then does stuff like giving the Reverse Mortgage letter to the friend. He's hired a lawyer to investigate whether he can claim the home.

7. Units

The first floor unit is rough.

I was actually quite surprised how my 2nd floor unit is in much better shape. The difference is shocking tbh.

There is an odd smell in the kitchen, which I assume is mold in the walls, cabinets are outdated, all the floor needs to be redone. Many other things.

My friend stopped by to look at at the 1st floor unit. He has done home renovations and does real estate.

He estimated minimum $50k.

"Once you start taking apart these old homes you don't know what problems you are going to find."

The basement could also be converted to another apartment unit potentially.

Last project he did set him back $120,000. The home cost $65k and is now worth $350k.

8. Utilities

I pay for Internet now but I have not paid utilities.

I tried to get the utility to open up an account and it was a big issue. I have no idea why.

The solar panels create a credit back to the utility so I assume that's why they haven't been shutoff yet.

---

That is everything I can think of.

If you have thoughts or advice, please feel free to let me know.

Other questions I'd be happy to try to answer.

UPDATE - The lease states I can use the Washer and Dryer in the basement and have access to the home to do so.

The only way to get to that is going through the 1st floor unit.

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Comments

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Pineapple_Towel

You don't own this house either. You should have contingency plans for needing to get out, even with little notice. Keep your things organized and important papers in a bag you can easily grab. Anything precious too. Not a good time to buy expensive new furniture. Continue to save your rent. I would keep that set aside for at least 18 months after the estate is resolved. So get a good interest rate. But you could definitely make it so entry to the 1st floor is not allowed, which could negativelyinpact you in many ways. Change the lock. You don't want damage, looting or squatting. You might want to nail the windows shut and secure all the exterior doors with bracing and you put in. Close the drapes or put up sheets. If there is power set up a light on a timer.

I would also start playing it a lot closer to the vest. Don't let people know so much about the house status. People will take advantage or become accusatory. The person wanting the first floor is looking to set up a squatter. You dont need that. As to the "friends" stop talking to them. Tell them you're busy. Tell neighbors you're busy.

>OOP: You are right and I started to understand that the more people stopped to ask.

>I just say I am keeping the home in shape and not to worry. I don't know anything about the home situation.

>1 neighbor accused me of "Squatting". I informed her I have had a lease here for years and the surrounding neighbors will confirm I have lived in the home.

ikannunAneeuQ

Keep saving and looking to move. My landlord of 10 years died, his giant home was broken up into different size rental units, I rented the attic apartment with my husband and 2 kids. His daughter took over when he died, then about 9 months later she said she was selling it (after she said she wasn't and none of us needed to worry) and kicked us all out. So be ready to need to cut and run.

eatitfatman

Definitely change the locks and keep that neighbor out. Enjoy living rent-free for as long as you can! If you're in the US, it literally could be forever if it never goes to probate and you pay the taxes. It would be smart to put up some no trespassing signs to keep folks from being overly familiar.

>OOP: Good tips. I will probably do that this week. The clerk at the courthouse said sometimes it takes years for someone to open up an estate for someone like this. "Once a distant relative learns there is $500,000 in Apple stock in that person's name, people want those assets."

Majestic_Face_8022

If there’s a mortgage on the property, the lender will be coming to foreclose sooner than later.

>OOP: Yeah I assume I will hear something in a few months.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

We manage a property for an owner. He has owned the property since early 2000s, and inherited a tenant who lived there since 2002. The tenant has been there for 24 years. The property owner never increased his rent once and the tenant was only paying $475 a month in a town where a studio apartment can rent for $2000 a month.

The tenant was now 73 years old. Retired contractor who couldn’t work anymore. Lived alone. He had been behind on rent multiple times over the years, but we always worked with him to get caught back up.

This time, the owner wanted him to move out due to the fact that he was smoking cigarettes in the unit impacting other tenants. He was also behind on rent again. This time we gave him a deadline to pay or else he needed to leave.

As the deadline approached, we gave him multiple reminders and he stopped responding to us. He was always communicative previously. On the day he was supposed to move out, he plugged all of the drains, turned on all of the water inside of the house, broke off match sticks in the locks so we couldn’t get in and then shot himself in the head inside of the unit. By the time someone reported a leak, there was a foot of standing water inside of his unit.

I keep looking for an obituary and no one has posted it after a week. I don’t know if he had any family that cared enough, unfortunately. He was an old man who likely just had no place to go.

EDIT TO ADD:

He was on a month to month lease for over 20 years. The owner could have ended the lease or raised rent at any time and never did until the smoking complaints from other tenants began in addition to the six month balance. He did not go through an eviction process, he just didn’t renew his lease.

I am devastated by the entire situation. To those of you in the comments saying they would kill themselves if they were me and saying I have blood on my hands, I really don’t know what you expected me to do after we tried giving resources but thank you for making me feel worse than I already do. Maybe I should have just let him move in with me? What options did I really have here guys.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Dealing_with_a_Crazy

Me [37 M] trying to deal with [24 F] potential stalker

TRIGGER WARNING: >!stalking!<

Original Post June 5, 2015

So I have what my buddies describe as a crazy dream. I have this really hot new hire that seems to be into me, which would normally be great but she is also super young and potentially a stalker.

Here is the deal. We work in the same building but not on the same project or anything. We cross paths in the cafeteria and in the garage but outside of that don't really interact on a daily thing. Our first meeting was back in April at an office happy hour thing. It seemed to be a pleasant conversation and we hit it off for a few hours and then went our separate ways.

We would cross paths a few times in the hall or the company cafeteria, but would just smile or stop and make small talk. Then about two weeks ago I was sitting having lunch outside by myself and she came and joined me out of the blue. We laughed and joked and then finished up and I went back to work. When I came out that night to leave for work she was sitting on my motorcycle waiting for me. She asked if I would take her for a ride around the block but I explained to her that I only had one helmet and riding in our city without one could get us a ticket. I know weak excuse and my buddies gave me flack for it, but honestly I am weird about safety when I ride. I told her maybe another time then went home. Two days later I am at my gym finishing up and I get a tap on my shoulder. Its the intern! We talked and she told me she just joined, to which I thought nothing about and then I went on my way.

Now I am not going to like, I was thinking of maybe asking her out, but I really don't want to screw around with my job and career just over a hot girl whom I may or may not have anything in common with. I talked it over with my friends and well many feel the same way with a few that live for the moment and others that put more thought into actions. The next day (last week) she joins me for lunch again. We get to talking some more and she told me she wasn't sure about joining a gym but after talking to a few people and seeing that I worked out there she decided to give it a shot. Fast forward to last night where I get a strange knock on my door. I open it up and who is there, you guessed it the Intern girl. She said she was in the neighborhood and wanted to know if I wanted to go out for dinner and some beers. Now I am a bit creep-ed out and ask her to how she knows where I live, to which she states she peaked at my employee file (she works in HR as an intern there). I tell her this is not acceptable and ask her to leave because I already have plans to which she apologizes and leaves.

Now I know she is young, so some of this might be impetuous mistakes, but I am honestly a little freaked out by this. I don't know if I should report this to HR (where she works) or let this go. I mean I don't think I've done anything to lead her on, I have not asked her out, slept with her, or even do anything outside of have lunch with her. I'm not trying to get her fired nor ruin my career in any way. One of my friends seems to think if I just went out with her she would calm down, but I don't think I want to encourage the behavior and end up with a dead animal nailed to my door or something. I am not sure if I go to HR and say "hey, your intern is looking into my personal file and showing up where I work out and at my home" if they would believe it. She also seems genuinely nice and sincere in conversation so I don't want to ruin her life if it was just a stupid mistake we make as a kid type thing. I also don't want to assume that because of this she is interested in me then try to have a talk with her and have her come across as if I'm at fault here. What is the best way for me to protect myself and proceed from here? Am I over reacting or making a big deal out of nothing?

tl;dr: Met an intern at company happy hour, she went into my HR file and started appearing where I hang out. Not sure how to deal with the situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> Do not excuse this because she is "young". I am 25 and work in the corporate HR world.... I would be fired for doing something as violating as what she has done. Looking in an employees file to obtain and use their information is a huge NOPE.
> > I think it is important to think about this in reverse.... would a 37 yr old woman feel the same as you if a 24 yr old male coworker showed up at her doorstep admitting he looked at her employee files? > > She is a liability to you and to the company you work for. You need to report this, I'm actually shocked you have not.
> > Edit: I would hate to work for a company with an HR advisor/director like her one day. She is willing to cross the line of trust.

OOP

>> Well I just came back from HR. My main concern was because she works with them and that her age and sex it would look like something I caused or take her side. You know how certain departments protect their own or keep it internal. >> >> I spoke to the HR director directly and told her about what has been going on. She asked if I had any proof of any of this, which outside of maybe a few of my friends eating lunch with us, I really don't. She did say she would look at the HR system as that tracks all movement to see if anyone has accessed my files.
>> >> In the meanwhile I am to try to keep my contact with her to a minimum, which is not a problem for me. I can not control if I see her at the gym, but outside of that I have pretty much told HR and now have to wait to see what they will do.

Update June 8, 2015 (3 days later)

So taking a few of your advices I reached out to the head of my department and shot him an email over the weekend explaining my situation and my talk with the HR Director. After that I went about my weekend and put it out of my mind. With that said, there were a few times when my phone would go off I go would get a bit nervous that I would get a message or call from her, but that subsided.

In fact, when I walked through the doors this morning I really had started feeling better about the whole situation; like everything was back to normal. An hour had passed then all of a sudden my department head pulled me into his office and sat me down. He and I go way back to when I first started working here so he told me that he had talked to HR and that he was not allowed to discuss anything with me until they had spoken to me first. He then told me to consider my options before I signed any paperwork, then walked me up to HR.

Now I am a grown man, but I have to admit that the walk and elevator ride up to HR was the most uncomfortable silence and nerve wracking experience I had experienced in a while. It was like being marched to the Principal's office and you were not sure why. My stomach was in knots and thoughts of getting a lawyer or finding a new job started jumping into my head. By the time I had sat down in the HR director's office I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin.

The HR director sat me down and went over what I had reported on Friday before leaving for the day. She kept saying that she wanted to make sure I wasn't leaving out any detail or if I had any video or audio proof of what I claimed. At this point I felt like I was on trial for something so I started asking why I would have any of that or be even prepared to document my life in such a way when up till her showing up to my house I had never put anything thought about her being anything other than friendly. She then told me they found that my records had been reviewed as well as others, but I was the only one that had come forwards with anything. As many of you can imagine I was confused at what was going on and a bit scared, so I asked her flat out what is going on.

She told me that as of today the intern had been fired and if I wanted to pursue legal matters against her (restraining orders, breach of privacy, etc.) the company would provide me full support and back me up legally with lawyers. I am also at this time getting 2 years free of credit monitoring and insurance. The company would not bring up legal recourse against the intern unless I wanted to. There was mention of offers for counseling and such, but I let them know I wouldn't be needing it as nothing outside of her showing up happened.

They let me know I have 48 hours to take all the paperwork to my lawyers and think about what I would like to do. But as of right now I don't think I have anything to worry about. I talked to my director after the meeting and he told me that the company at this time is afraid I will sue, which he doesn't recommend, but I don't have to worry about my job. I told him I wouldn't be pressing charges against her as she had already lost her job and well, I feel like that would be taking it too far. He had a different feeling about it, but also told me that he might have handled the situation differently if he wasn't married and it had happened to him.

Over all I feel relieved and wanted to thank everyone that had given the advice before

tl;dr: Intern Fired, 2 years of free credit monitoring and protection, have to bring documents to lawyer and decide if I want to press charges. Edit Punctuation

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> "She told me that as of today the intern had been fired and if I wanted to pursue legal matters against her (restraining orders, breach of privacy, etc.) the company would provide me full support and back me up legally with lawyers. I am also at this time getting 2 years free of credit monitoring and insurance." > > Sounds like they are massively trying to cover their asses, and doing a good job of it really. > > Bottom line - you could sue if you wanted to. I personally wouldn't because you really haven't been wronged in any major way and they seem to be doing the right thing by you. Having that kind of lawsuit in your professional history would be bad for you personally.

OOP

>> Well, I already knew I wasn't going to sue unless I got fired. Pretty much I'm one of those guys that isn't out looking for blood or a quick payment. I like where I work, I like what I do most of the time, so I really never would want to do anything except clear my name if things had turned out the other way. >> >> With that said. No I won't sue or press charges, the only thing I plan to do is bring the documents to my lawyers to make sure that I don't miss a clause in legalese that says by accepting this document my first born child will be named bacon narwhal junior and I have to cut my left testicle off with a rusty spoon after Monday. You know... basic stuff.

What were the documents?

> Well, one is an NDA stating standard stuff. One packet is for the identity theft protection stuff. One packet is for the use of the lawyers.One packet is for pursuing legal matters against Intern > > And one Packet is a standard acceptance and acknowledgement of what I brought to HR, what has happened to lead me to this point in my life, what was discovered, what was done, that legally I promise this is all true, etc. > > The last document is the one I have marked for my lawyer to read first because that is the one that while I am certain is standard (I guess, I have never been in this situation before) is the one that I don't want to sign right away. I'm pretty sure that it states that if they get sued by her for wrongful dismissal it was due to my statement and actions.

Final update June 9, 2015 (1 day after 1st update)

One Final post... I don't see this warranting another update post so.

Lawyers reviewed and drafted up a response statement I signed 3 out of all of the packets and submitted the response statement with the 4th /5th (its really not a packet just a sheet of paper).

I know many of you say report her and press charges, but here is the thing. According to my lawyer that kind of makes her unemployable. I'm not looking to ruin her life, but restraint orders and charges pressed makes her really unemployable. I'm not saying this for any other reason as to be a simple human being. The letter I submitted states that I am taking this chance and reserve the rights to press charges / restraining orders for a later date if further contact peruses.

As for the Identity theft and such, I plan to take full advantage of it and have requested a request of proof that there was a breach to my information through the HR department. This I am told is only to be used if I do have my identity stolen so that I can assist with stopping it and from talking to HR this isn't a problem.

I know I need to protect myself, and I realize that this could be potentially dangerous (even more so than the motorcycle riding, snow boarding, or what ever other stupid choices in my life). However I don't feel the need to push the envelope and ruin another human's life. She is already unemployed and may have a hard time finding another job in the field. I don't wish to compound that in such a way as to make her unemployable.

I also wanted to thank each and every one of you that took time out of your day to read this and a special thank you to those of you that gave such great advice.

FINAL COMMENTS

pizza_partyUSA

> I think it's really nice of you that you aren't pressing charges. Granted, I've never had anyone stalking me, so I may feel different if I had more experience. Much like you, I'm sure, I hope her getting fired for it was enough of a shock to make her stop. > > Of course, if she tries to contact you again at all, you should DEFINITELY do something. Your safety is far more important. Her mistakes are her own problem.

OOP

>> Oh, I plan to. Honestly if I came across her say in a grocery store I'm not going to freak out and be like "OMG YOUR A STALKER". If she shows up at my place again then I would be like "Hey, look you seem like a good kid but your going about this the wrong way. Don't come by here again anymore. If you do, if I see you I'm going to have to get a restraining order'. Or something along that lines. >> >> I'm not bullet proof, stab proof, or even poison proof, but I am not going to live my life in fear of 100lb little girl.

~

TheHamburgerlar

> Well then... that escalted quickly.If you're sastisfied with their handling of the situation then you're good. I'm sure it's just a way for the company (espceially big corporate companies) to cover any possible loophole for you to sue. Good job on the way you handled it, I think I would've ended up sleeping with her and been all sorts of shit with HR and lost my job..... note to self: Don't bone co-workers. > > Thanks for the update! Great posts.

OOP

>>Yeah I would be lying if I say that if she hadn't shown up at my place and we had just hung out like we were doing, I probably would have been more receptive to the idea of pursuing something outside of the workplace, especially if she was a short term intern.

nwpeters

> Um, listen. As a guy who was stalked in my 30's, lemme just say this: keep your head on a fucking swivel, bc it is not at all cool when you are walking up to your front door after a long day, and out of nowhere 110lbs. of sobbing lustful confusion tackles you from behind begging to talk/sex/come inside/whatever you want, just so long as you interact with her crazy self. > > Seriously, her showing up at your place when she shouldn't have had your address gave me flashbacks. People like this simply do not understand social norms (or maybe they think they just don't apply to them, IDK). > > SO yeah. Keep an eye out. She may well want to talk to you now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This happened 2 days ago at mine (28) and my wife’s (39) wedding and a lot of people are telling me I’m in the wrong for having my ex (27) arrested and my wife is saying I ruined the wedding and caused a scene.

First a little backstory on my ex, we were together over 5 years ago for a matter of weeks, I broke things off because I just wasn’t into her that much, she began to pester me over text and social media all of the time to get back together or just hook up, this went on for months and in a particularly week moment I gave in and slept with her again at this point things got a lot worse, I tried to explain that it was a mistake and I still didn’t want anything with her, from then the messages ranged from abusive to begging me for sex eventually I just blocked her, from then she started turning up at my house, work and social spaces I went to often.
She attempted to force herself on me and threatened violence and at that point I got a restraining order. Since then I haven’t heard from her in years.

I met my wife 3 years ago and she is honestly the best thing in my life, we fell in love hard and honestly have a great relationship, we got engaged after 2 years and 2 days ago finally had our wedding, the day was going amazingly until a friend of mine who I’ll call Chris turned up with his +1, my ex, I spoke to him and he had absolutely no idea about my history with her and we tried to get her to leave.
After she refused I decided to just ring the police, 2 officers showed up to arrest her for breaking her restraining order and she flipped out, she was shouting and screaming, she hurled abuse at my wife and claimed that we were ment to be together which obviously distracted from our wedding.

Now my wife is upset with me for causing a scene and a lot of our friends are saying that I should’ve just ignored it and focused on the day because she wasn’t causing any problems up until the police showed up, so AITAH??

Edit to answer some questions I’ve had:
Yes my wife knew I had a restraining order against a stalker, we spoke about it when we started to become serious
A few family members also knew but my friends didn’t as I never spoke to them about it

Edit: UPDATE

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/hellapreggers

I [32F] think my husband [33M] may be having an affair with the girl [19F] next door. I’m also pregnant.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity!<

Original Post - rareddit Apr 12, 2019

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, dated for 7. We have one son, 2, and I’m 6 months pregnant.

I love him deeply. He’s a very busy lawyer and often comes home late at night. I never thought he’d cheat on me. But since I began to get bigger, we’ve been having less sex.

A few months ago, a young woman moved into the condo about 2 doors down. She’s a very beautiful girl but a bit aloof to me. We did invite her over to a dinner party when she first came. A few weeks ago, I noticed that my husband followed her on IG and added her on Snap. I asked him about it and he said she followed him first and he didn’t want to be rude.

Last week, I started noticing him using his phone more and more and generally being distracted. He said it was due to work. But 2 days ago, I saw a Snap notification on his phone with our neighbor’s name on it. I asked him why he was Snapchatting her, and he said that she was interested in law and was asking him career advice. At 12am apparently. Via Snapchat.

Yesterday I was taking his suits to the dry cleaners and found a receipt for a sushi restaurant from a few nights ago, when he said he was working late at his office. The sushi restaurant is close to our condo complex and nowhere near his office. There were 2 meals billed on the receipt. I confronted him when he came home from work, and he said he took a client out for dinner. But there were so many nice restaurants near his office, why the one near our house??

I’m almost 90% certain he’s cheating. What should I even do? Im about to be a mother of 2. I never even prepared for the possibility of this happening in our marriage. And definitely not this soon.

Advice please!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Carnivore69

>Given you can't be certain he's cheating (yet?), the first thing you need to do is quit confronting him for every discrepency you notice. By doing so, he'll become more and more aware you're picking up on his activities, whatever they are. If those activities involve cheating, your actions will likely cause him to be more stealthy and adept at covering his tracks. Use more restraint, and let the evidence pile up until you can ascertain what's really going on. And be sure to document your findings however you can. In the meantime act like your antenna isn't up, and let him "relax" around you.

~

pointlessusername-

>I would tell my partner that him being a 33 year old man SNAP CHATTING a 19 year girl is completely inappropriate and she can ask google or any other lawyer for advice. Unacceptable.

~

CuckyMcCuckerCuck

>Do you have the disposable funds necessary to hire a private investigator? In part to "confirm", but also as an investment for a more favorable divorce settlement.

OOP

>>We have a joint account and he might get suspicious if I withdraw a large sum of money. Maybe I can just investigate it myself?

Update - rareddit Apr 19, 2019 (1 week later)

Thanks for everybody's advice on my first post. It's been an interesting week to say the least.

Last Friday after work, he left for a supposed weekend golfing trip with his 2 friends to a place only an hour drive away. Before he left, I texted the wife of one of his friends if she wanted to get together for brunch on Sunday. She said she had plans with her husband. I then texted the wife of his other friend, and surprise, she confirmed that her husband was at home and not going on any trip.

I pretended like I didn't know and said goodbye to my husband as usual. However, I had asked my retired uncle (65) to follow my husband's car. My husband does not know my uncle so I thought it was a good plan. My uncle followed him to the airport and took a picture of him walking with the neighbour girl. He followed them and said they checked into an airline with flights going to the Caribbean.

I thanked my uncle and gave him money for gas and his time, but he refused. I was obviously devastated and my son and I stayed with him and my aunt for the night. They advised me to find a good divorce lawyer right away.

When my husband came home Sunday night, I said I was filing for divorce. He acted really shocked and hurt and asked me why. I said I knew about his affair and I had proof, so he could stop acting stupid. He said I was mistaken. I then asked whether he enjoyed his beach vacation and the look on his face was just undeniable. I guess he finally realized he was backed in a corner and had no more lies left to tell.

I told him I just wanted to know why. He said that he was shy and insecure growing up, and that he had really low self-esteem. He said he "felt validated" by the attention of a younger woman, and said it made him feel "wanted". He admitted that it was a "crush gone wrong". I said there's no way I can trust him again. He said that's understandable and that he was sorry it has come to this. He said he probably made a mistake by marrying in his 20s, that some men were ready to settle down at that age but he realized that he was not one of them. He said that he still loved me though, but that it was best if we went our separate ways.

The shittiest part of all this is, he's staying at his mistress' condo a few doors down while we get our divorce. It will be a long few months, but I'm getting a good lawyer and making sure the future of my kids are secured. I also have a good support system around me. I'm planning on moving to another city after the divorce.

It will be awhile before I can learn to trust again. I've never hurt so much in my entire life. This level of betrayal from someone you thought was your soulmate is just indescribable. But I'm going to remain hopeful. Thanks for everyone's help and support. I wish it turned out different.

TL;DR: Had my uncle follow my husband, he lied about a golfing trip. He actually went to the Caribbean with his mistress.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/OkServe6

My (22F) married sister (28F) and boyfriend (22M) had drunk sex yesterday

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Possible sexual coercion/assault, excessive alcohol consumption!<

Original Post - rareddit Feb 20, 2019

I still can't believe it really. We've been together for four years and everything has been going so well. We recently signed a new lease too. Can't believe it's my sister, can't really put into words how I feel. I just need to vent right now.

She asked if she could stay at our apartment for some time because she had a very big fight with her husband. I asked my boyfriend and he was fine with it so she came over. They have a dead bedroom and it's one of the reasons for their many fights, he has no sex drive and they haven't had sex in over a year. She looked a little bit upset and brought a bottle of tequila with her.

Around 9 or so she opened the bottle and she joked about drinking away the pain. My boyfriend joined her, and he doesn't usually drink. I didn't have any because I had work tomorrow but he didn't. I went to bed soon after, and they kept talking and I figured it would help them connect more. I woke up at 1 and went to the bathroom. My boyfriend was still not in our bed, and that's when I heard loud moaning from the living room. I made my way to the hallway as quiet as possible, and I saw my sister with no bra on, obviously riding my boyfriend. She didn't care about all the noise she was making. I couldn't see him because of the couch but I didn't want to. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I just didn't know what to do.

I was woken up by my boyfriend somewhere during the night. He was not even close to coherent and making absolutely zero sense. He stumbled and fell and went into the bathroom. This morning when I woke up I found him laying next to the toilet with vomit on his shirt. I woke him up and asked him if he was ok. He just said he had a very bad hangover and looked very confused. He says he can't remember a single thing from last night, so I showed him the empty bottle in the living room. He just laughed and said it had been a long time since he blacked out on alcohol.

My sister was already awake and I asked her how she slept and how much they had to drink. She said my boyfriend drank most of the bottle and that they both went to bed around midnight. She definitely acted strange. I just can't believe why they would lie like this. I left for work and my boyfriend called as usual during my lunch break. He said he was feeling better and acted like nothing happened. He could tell from my responses that I was upset and asked if I was alright. I told him I was fine and left it at that.

I need to go home within an hour or so. I told my boyfriend I had to run some errands but I'm just sitting in my car, crying. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I literally can't believe it. The two most important people in my life went behind my back. I feel disgusting and lost.

Update 1 - rareddit Feb 21, 2019 (Next Day)

Sorry for not updating earlier. I didn't know people got so invested into this. I tried to read most of the comments.

Why didn't I do something when I saw them? I guess people have different reactions to certain situations. I was too shocked to do anything and went back to bed.

I decided to talk to my boyfriend first. Tried going into it open-minded but I was still very emotional. I took him in our bedroom and asked him if he remembered ANYTHING from that night. He asked me why, and I told him that I had seen something happen and that's why I was upset. He looked really surprised at this point and went quiet. I asked him again, and he didn't respond. This was enough for me, so I stood up and wanted to walk out when he told me to wait. He said that he made a really big mistake but to please hear him out. I lost it right then and there. I started screaming and yelling, told him to get the fuck out the house. My sister came into the room and she started crying and telling me to please calm down and allow them to explain. My boyfriend told her that they should leave and they did. I was still hysterical when they left. I started drinking and passed out in my bed.

I haven't answered any of their phone calls or opened their messages. I truly have no words for how I feel. It all feels like a game. Life doesn't feel the same way, and I'm done. I told a friend what happened and she's been with me since then so there's that. I feel relieved that I no longer have to worry about my problems though.

I'm sorry it's not the update people expected but it's the best I can do :)

Edit: I am fine, I'm not going to do anything to myself. Thank you for all the heartwarming messages.

Edit: I AM OK. I APPRECIATE ALL THE KINDS MESSAGES. I WON'T HURT MYSELF. MY FRIEND IS WITH ME, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. THANKS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

Final Update - rareddit March 3, 2019 (10 days later)

I'm sorry for deleting my previous posts. It was all too much for me and I wanted to get rid of it. I think there was someone who saved it but I'm not sure. Anyways, I figured I owed a final update to all the kind people who commented on the thread and PM'd me.

The day after they left I was broken. I still am actually. Obviously we broke up, and he is okay with me staying at our place for now but that's the only positive thing so far. He collected some of his stuff when I went to a friend, I still haven't seen him in real life. He tried to reach out to me multiple times but I've only been texting him when it's necessary. My sister stopped trying after the first day and I don't think she has any remorse. After he got his shit I've been emotionally numb, can't really describe it. Since Thursday I've been starting to feel very depressed again, and I've been drinking more. Feeling numb felt better to be honest. I haven't been to work. My friend called them and I believe I can take as much time as I want, so there's that.

I called her husband, but he didn't pick up. Tried a few more times but eventually I got a text saying to not contact him ever again. Don't know what she told him, but I don't really care to be honest. The truth will come out eventually, sucks I have no proof though. As far as I know my parents don't know, and I'm keeping it that way. I don't know where to go from here, I'm keeping all options open for now. It'd probably be a good idea to go to work again but I have absolutely zero energy. I just want to be free. My friends have been here for me luckily.

I think this is my last update. Once again, thanks to all the kind souls that messaged and supported me. I would have never expected anything like it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayaccnt4

I [25f] just found something REALLY disgusting this morning that my boyfriend [26m] left in the living room.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!piss jar!<

Original Post March 14, 2013

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we've been living together for the past few months. Now, generally I've come to accept him for being a 'guy' and not cleaning up after himself. He has got a lot better at it though so I'll give him that. Anyway, this morning I went downstairs as usual to clean up a bit and when I went to pick up the remote off the floor I noticed a white mcdonalds cup sitting next to the chair. Thinking it was just a left over drink I went to go dump it in the sink only to realize that there was piss in the cup. I'm not sure how long it was sitting behind the chair but it smelled REALLY bad. It was pretty much full with ashes at the bottom of it [he smokes]. I don't really know how to go about talking to him about this or how to even bring it up. Advice anyone?

tl;dr Found boyfriends piss cup behind a chair in the living room. Not sure how to ask him about it? REALLY grossed out.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

colakoala200

> "Not sure how to ask him about it?" > > Don't ask, tell. "boyfriend, I was cleaning up the other day and I found a cup behind the chair and it smelled like 3-week old piss and had cigarette ashes in it. It smelled REALLY bad and I'm really grossed out." > > You don't need to know if it's piss or how long it's been there or whether he'll clean up next time or why he didn't clean it up this time. You need HIM to know how finding something so nasty affected YOU.

OOP

>>Instead of calling him on the phone and yelling in his fucking ear about it (which I really wanted to do when I first found it) I wanted to think about what I was going to say before I let him know that I found the 'cup'. Thanks for giving me some idea on what to say.

~

[deleted]

> "Now, generally I've come to accept him for being a 'guy' and not cleaning up after himself." > > He's not a 'guy', he's a fucking slob.

diego_montoya_jr

>> Slob is right. I once found a pile of snipped off toe nails on our coffee table once and I thought THAT was disgusting. I don't know what I'd do if I found what OP discovered. >> >> And no smoking in the house either! Blargh.

~

Crowmagnon0

>You say there were ashes in it? Cigarettes will leave a clear liquid yellow, and it would definitely smell bad. Are you sure that he urinated in it and it wasn't just his ashtray? Either way it's gross, but that would make a lot more sense.

OOP

>>Oh yeah.. it was legit piss believe me. I couldn't smell it at first because there was a lid on the cup. But after I poured it in the kitchen sink i knew that i had made a terrible mistake :/

Crowmagnon0

>>>Was he getting drunk last night? Not that it's an excuse, but it would give a reason for this.

OOP

>>>>No he doesn't drink. There shouldn't be ANY excuse for him to piss in a cup when our bathroom is 30 ft. away. I'm just in shock that anyone especially the person I'm living with would do this.

EDIT First of all thank you to everyone who left helpful comments on what to do in this situation. I'll be speaking to him about this in the morning. I will definitely post an update first thing. Thanks again! I really appreciate it.

Update - rareddit March 15, 2013 (Next Day)

So an update from my [original post](

First I just want to say thank you for all the helpful responses that I received yesterday. I've never in my life had to deal with a situation like this. I also hope it is the last time as well.

As soon as he got home from work this morning I told him that we needed to have a serious conversation. We both sat down and I told him that I found the cup he had been pissing in behind the chair. That it was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen and I was repulsed that he would actually do something like that when we have a perfectly working bathroom upstairs. He started to actually DEFEND himself as to why he was using it! I tried to stay calm but I couldn't anymore and eventually it turned into a heated argument. He stated that the cup was easier to use than going upstairs to use our bathroom which is seriously 30 ft away!! And he usually dumps it in the KITCHEN SINK when he's finished.. W.T.F. That right there was a deal breaker for me. This has been going on for quite some time. Upon further inspection where I originally found the cup I could clearly see urine stains on the floor. How I didn't know about this sooner I don't know. But I'm really glad that I do now. I can't continue to live with this sick fuck any longer. I'll be moving my things out today and will be staying with a friend for the time being.

TL;DR Boyfriend defended himself about using his piss cup instead of going to the bathroom like a normal person. He had been doing it for some time now. We broke up and I'm moving out.

FINAL COMMENTS

InfernalWedgie

>The moral of the story: Being toilet trained is essential if you want to appeal to potential sexual partners.

_some_asshole

>>That is actually the only takeaway here.

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Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I F24 think my boyfriend M30 is cheating we've been together 5 years.

Editor’s note: changed letters to names for ease of readability

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Original Post (rareddit): Apr 22, 2026

I've (F24) been dating my boyfriend (M30) for about 5 years and throughout those 5 years we've both been really happy. We met when I was in college and he was visiting my roommate (his little sister) and we just hit it off. I moved into his place around the 2 year mark of us dating. For the sake of some privacy I will just call him Xavier.

Recently Xavier has been weird though. He'll come home way later than he usually does from work, and he's been dodgy with his phone lately. The only reason I haven't confronted him is because I have read stories on here on my main account of people thinking their significant other is cheating but really they were just getting them a surprise or throwing a party. I also don't want to be a jealous girlfriend as he has told me that in the past one of his girlfriends was really jealous and that's why they broke up. He is also my first serious boyfriend and I'm really happy in this relationship and I don't want to screw it up.

The only other thing though is that if he was cheating I think I would know who it is with. He has this friend M29 (I'll call him Joe) And Joe as this girlfriend (I'll call her Rachel) who is F29. Rachel works at the same place as Xavier. Joe and Rachel have been friends with my boyfriend for a while and Rachel is really close to my boyfriend and sometimes he'll invite just her over to our house (but I am there most of the time). If he was cheating I think it would be her, but I could be wrong so I can't ask her and ruin their friendship or something. So I really don't know what to do. Joe has no problem with Rachel going over to our house without him so it might just be me being jealous? Idk. I know that Rachel also has cheated on Joe in the past so that's another reason I guess? If you can't tell already I kinda don't like Rachel. (Also sorry if the letter names confuse you I really don't want anyone I know being able to figure out that this is me or something).

We are usually very open with our phones to, he can check mine whenever he wants and I can check his whenever I want. Xavier has accused me of cheating before, and it really hurt me because I wasn’t, so I don’t want to accuse him and then have him feel like I did or something.

I really don't know what to do and I love him, so I don't want to ruin our relationship.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: At first I thought you were being paranoid, then I read “Rachel also cheated on Joe in the past” and now I wouldn’t trust her myself. I’m assuming Xavier knows that as well. I would confront him about it and let him know how uncomfortable I feel towards this situation. However I’ve been in your shoes before, so I remember how hard it was to work up the courage to do that. Talking to Joe might not be the worst idea.

> OOP: I have thought about talking to Joe and asking him if Rachel has been weird lately or something but I’m not close to him and I don't even have his phone number saved in my phone. Before I ask my boyfriend or anything I think I am going to try to ask Joe.

Commenter 2: have you asked him at all why he’s been coming home late? if not, start there. it’s not unreasonable to ask your partner “hey why are you always coming home so late?”, like I honestly I think it’d be weirder if someone wasn’t curious about their partner always coming home late. I get that you don’t want to be a jealous gf, but if you are in a relationship where you can’t even ask him about where he is and why he has this schedule change, then you are not in a healthy relationship

don’t bring up Rachel or anything, and depending on how he reacts to you asking him about him always coming home late, it might be a good idea to hold back on the phone convo for now. if you ask him where he’s been and he blows up on you and starts calling you crazy or jealous or anything… honestly I think you should just check his phone when he’s sleeping or something because he’s probably cheating. I know him accusing you of cheating made you feel bad and you don’t want to do that to him, but he may have made those cheating accusations because he knew it’d make it harder for you to question him when he’s actually doing something worth questioning. even if he isn’t cheating or doing anything wrong, he better not turn anything around on you and make you the bad guy for asking. it’s not like you’re going crazy and getting pissed about every interaction he has with a woman. if he truly isn’t doing anything wrong, like say he’s planning some huge proposal or surprise or something, he should still be able to see why you would have questions about what he’s been up to and how it could come off as suspicious

regardless of what he is doing, I think you need to be there for yourself a bit more. stop thinking you’re going to screw this up or ruin the relationship because you have questions about these weird changes. don’t put your love for him and your hope for this relationship first, put yourself first. if he is betraying you, you deserve to have yourself fully in your own corner, not prioritizing him or the relationship. just be there for yourself, you got this<3

> OOP: Thank you for your advice, and all of the comments on this post says to just talk to him so when he gets home today I am going to try to ask why he's home late and then whatever happens after that happens.

Commenter 3: Everything was normal until he accused you on cheating, usually cheaters do this to deflect lol. It’s a really strange thing. Also: I firmly believe in woman’s intuition because I felt it when my ex was cheating but I didn’t know he was cheating. I just knew something was wrong and he was at work too much (he got with his coworker lol)

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Update: April 24, 2026 (two days later)

UPDATE I F24 think my boyfriend M30 is cheating we've been together 5 years.

So first I wanna say thank you to anyone who commented on my original post and gave me advice. I didn't think I was going to post an update as my last post didn't gain a lot of traction, but someone wanted an update so here it is. Also sorry if it’s kind of long.

The last 2 days has been chaotic to say the least. When Xavier (my now ex-boyfriend) got home the same day I posted originally he came home late yet again by like an hour. He acted perfectly normal, so I was having second thoughts, but I decided to just go through with my plan on asking him why he was coming home late. This is what I asked him: "Oh by the way, I've been meaning to ask how come you've been coming home so late?" I was told by reddit to make sure it didn't sound like I was confronting him. He responded with a simple "oh just traffic and my meetings have been longer than usual". To me that seemed like a perfectly reasonable explanation and I let it go.

Well right before we went to bed he was on his phone a lot. From what I could tell he was texting someone. I’m not proud of what I did but when he fell asleep I looked for his phone. He had hidden it in his bedside table. I looked through his and Rachel's (his friends girlfriends) texts and found nothing suspicious. I was relieved for a second but then I opened up his Instagram. Turns out he was cheating on me just not with Rachel but some random girl he had met on Instagram. They had been texting regularly, and he was leaving work early to go visit her. I couldn't believe it as we have been together for so long and even though I had asked reddit I still wanted to be wrong. I kind of just sat there in shock for a while I think. We had talked about getting married, having kids, moving, getting pets and making travel plans all while he was hooking up with some girl? After I gathered myself I had just put the phone back and laid down in bed. It took a while for me to fall asleep, but I eventually did*

When we were eating breakfast I confronted him. Told him I knew everything and that we were breaking up. He begged me to let him have a chance to explain but I said no and that I had gone through his phone and saw all of the texts. I packed while he was trying to get me to stay and then had my sister pick me up. Now I’m staying at her place. It was all a blur and happened very fast as I just wanted to get out.

Where I am heartbroken and wished I kind of never had found out I know that I would have rather broken up with him then give him another chance as I have 0 tolerance for cheaters and he knew this. I've been talking to my sister all morning today and according to her she never liked him and always thought that when I was with him I just kind of let him walk all over me. This all happened so fast though, and I have barely had time to process it. He also has been spamming me with messages literally everywhere and I keep blocking him, but he won't stop.

But anyways. That's the update. My life's now shit, I live with my sister, and I work pretty close to where he lives so that's great. I haven't been single in a while so idk what to do with all my extra time.

Edit: No I'm not messaging the girl and or ruining her life I'm pissed at her but I'm not a monster sadly(unlike her). And I'm not ruining his life either the most I would do is tell his family but that sounds kind of childish and I want to be the bigger person.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You didn’t ruin your life, you just found out the truth and protected your future. That took a lot of strength. One small thing that might help: mute, don’t just block, so you don’t see his messages at all. How’s it been living with your sister so far?

> OOP: I have tried muting also, but he just makes like alt accounts and messages me he even had his sister message me. I've lived with my sister before lol she's like a second mother to me, so she's been helping a lot.

Commenter 2: I'm surprised his sister, your friend and roommate in university, would be helping her brother out. Does she know what her brother did? Does she have the full story?

> OOP: Idk. I've been friends with her for a while, so I don't think she knew he was cheating or even knows now. She only messaged me like twice and told me her brother was also blowing up her phone asking if she could talk to me. Probably will be cutting her off if she does it again considering I already told her not to message me about him again.

Commenter 3: Just tell her what her brother did so she’ll leave you alone and she’ll give him a telling off. Why keep it to yourself?

> OOP: I’m not keeping it to myself it’s been literally a day.. I have more important things to do currently with finances, my living situation, and family issues. I will be telling her I just haven't yet.

Commenter 4: so so glad this ended with you leaving. stay strong and do not go back! recovering from cheating is awful, give yourself time to heal, it could take a year. after it happened to me and I actually was no contact for a year I was surprised to realize he wasn’t consuming my thoughts anymore, and then quickly it turned into “wow I haven’t thought of him at all this week.” it just takes time, you got this.

obligatory woman to woman advice, get tested 😔.

> OOP: I didn't even think to get tested, thank you I will set up a doctor’s appointment asap.

Does OOP know the other woman?

> OOP: I only knows their name (which I won't be saying on reddit). I do know they knew about me though.

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