u/Proud-Regret8818

i can’t talk about this with anyone else in my life, not even my best friends or therapist but as the title says i had an incestuous relationship with my brother.

me and my brother (21) have always been raised as twins in a way despite our 5-6 year age gap, we were made to do everything together, match each other and sleep or shower with each other. my memories go back to when our dad died when i was five and he was around ten or eleven. at first it was “innocent” kisses, my mom fell into a depression so she was never around for some time. the kisses turned into touches, and when i was six my brother began to sexually abuse me. he would always excuse it by saying he was just curious so at that time i guess i just never thought of it as wrong. two years after this our “relationship” escalated to something like a genuine couple. for some reason i never pushed back against what was happening, my memories from this time aren’t the clearest however i distinctly remember liking what was going on and being comfortable with our arrangements. i know how disgusting this sounds but it was the only positivity i found in my life. things only developed more when i was ten, i started to experience puberty and my brother began to refer to me as his wife around various people, it was usually brushed off or attributed to our bond. when i got my first period he was over the moon about it because he wanted me to “have our baby”. i don’t remember when my mom started to be more present in my life but things came to a stop when she nearly caught me and my brother engaging in sexual acts. after this me and my brothers relationship was horrible, i didn’t know what i had done but i just missed him and i felt disgusted and deprived of the only love i could rely on. he was seventeen at this time and i was eleven. my brother became a normal teenager and now a normal person, our bond is regular not close not distant and he seemingly forgot absolutely everything that happened, but i never could. i think about everything that happened everyday and i try to make some sense of it but usually that just leaves me in a state of sadness or hatred. i don’t know how i should feel about everything and while it would be nice to open up im terrified of what people would say. i guess i know i cant just act like it was something he did, when the truth is for a long time i considered myself his partner as well.

this is kind of a lot and weird, but i needed to say something somewhere that wont get back to me