r/oneanddone

This is my first (and last) pregnancy. I'm 14 weeks in with hyperemesis gravidarum and I feel like I'm dying. I get fluids three times a week and I'm having to get a picc line placed. Nothing about my pregnancy so far has felt magical. Everyone I tell that this is going to be my only pregnancy always tells me that things will change in the second trimester or that "I'll forget one the baby is born". But I don't WANT to forget this because I don't ever want to risk going through it again. Everyone is also telling me that it's sad to not give my kid a sibling but I feel like as long as they are socialized it will be fine. Idk guess I'm just looking for some support. Anyone else one and done bc of HG?

Middle of the night wake ups can turn living rooms into quiet panic zones. I think I need a baby monitor for sleep tracking that can show when the baby is just shifting versus fully awake. Which monitors actually helped you understand sleep habits without making nights more stressful?

Thanks so much for listening.

So I'm really conflicted.

I love my 1.5 year old son so much. He's so wonderful and we're even sharing hobbies already. I am a singer and he's so musically gifted - not to sound silly.

But him, my hubby and I are completely nuclear like many modern families: no family or friend group support. And I mean as measured in ACTUAL hours of childcare.

As a result we are mentally, physically and financially at our limits. Our intimacy's suffered hard, too.

I cannot imagine adding another child to our exhausted, overtired lives.

And so even though our little one has a great life, I could not guarantee the good vibes if we have another child. I feel the sacrifices would hurt our family.

And here is my heartbreak. I always wanted a big family of kids, filled with love, togetherness and life. I am good at mothering.

And yet, I'm feeling completely one and done in order to survive.

This really saddens me.

I feel guilty for robbing baby of a sibling.

For not being like the other mums with multiple kids I see in our neighborhood.

Energetic. Well-rested.

I know they must just have loads of cash to buy in childcare and support. But I am still heartbroken.

How do I reconcile my survivalist decision to be OAD with my grief over the loss of a big, lively family? Should we just "toughen up" and have another kiddo?

Those with an older kid, what has your favorite age been? My daughter is 19 months. She’s a lot of fun, so silly, learning new things every day, but not going to lie, she’s exhausting. She plays independently but doesn’t stay occupied with one thing for long. She’s busy, entering the stage of toddler meltdowns because she knows that she wants but can’t communicate it, and she requires constant supervision because she loves climbing on chairs and the couch (where she’ll run across the cushions and throw herself all around on it), and I’m so worried about her falling off and hurting herself.

I definitely don’t want her growing too fast, but this has been a tough stage.

I’d love to hear your favorite parts of different ages as they grow.

Our kid is 7 years old, and he's always slept a little less than usual. But at some point, things kinda evened out, and he would at least sleep until around 8ish given the choice (weekends, public holidays, vacation, etc.).

Nowadays, he's going to bed after 8 pm and waking up at 6 am, sometimes earlier. He's super persistent and immediately high energy and we're... tired. He is on the spectrum and very high energy, and he needs a lot of attention (he is very high-functioning), so we don't really enjoy being woken up early, as we immediately have to be 100% on, and mornings are never slow and easy. Mostly, I try to get him to read quietly (which works sometimes), and the general rule is that he shouldn't wake his father before 8 am on weekends. But for the most part, he is very persistent and feels as if he NEEDS one of us to be awake with him.

I grew up in a house where we would entertain ourselves somehow without TV or anything, but I also had a sibling (not that we got along well anyway, so we didn't play together in the mornings or anything). What do you do when your kids wake up early? Do you also wake up at the same time as them? I feel bad *because* he is an only and he gets bored in the mornings when alone, but equally I would really like to sleep past 6 am.

If your kids also wake up early, how do they keep themselves entertained?

My son is 21 months old. He is truly such a joy, so silly, soooo cute, and he is really clever. A happy, playful kid overall, but I am really starting to lose it with him.

My husband and I both work from home, so we switch between working and taking care of him. Our moms help when they can, and believe me we would not have survived this long without them, but they also both work. We have him enrolled to start school but the place we chose does not take kids under 2. While we have saved money on childcare for two years, it feels like we have paid the price with our sanity. If I could send him to daycare now, I would spend any amount of money to, but most decent programs around here don't take kids under 2 because of the insurance costs, so we are stuck.

To start off, he only has a few words, which in it of itself is incredibly frustrating for both us and himself. All our other friends with kids his age seem to be miles ahead in their vocabulary. He understands everything, but its like pulling teeth trying to get a new word out of him. I have scoured the internet for advice and it feels like an endless loop that just ends in shaming and fear mongering from "free workshops" like Raising Little Talkers (one hour later and I cried the rest of the day). He communicates a lot with grunts and whining, which is so grating. He is in speech therapy as of a month ago... I guess we are getting a new word here and there, but it seems like he will say one word when we are there and then never again. It mostly just feels like I'm flushing $80/hour down the toilet to watch someone play with him.

On a related note, his inability to effectively communicate his frustrations right now has led into a hitting/throwing phase. And it feels like none of our responses are helping. We have tried redirecting, ignoring, setting boundaries verbally, even yelling sometimes when we are at our wits end. Nothing makes a difference until he is distracted and moves on. He threw a toy at my face today so hard I thought it was going to break my glasses. That was my final straw and I took him to his room and put him in his crib while he cried and screamed and I sat on the couch also crying.

The biggest thing right now for me is sleep. I can't even call it a regression anymore. Every night for MONTHS he has woken up around 2am-4am, sometimes for an hour, sometimes more or less. Just chattering away and laughing for the most part. Most of the time he goes back to sleep, but its still so incredibly disruptive because obviously we have the monitor on and it wakes us up and we can't go back to sleep until he does. I personally could be an Olympic sleeper; I value sleep SO SO much and this constant interruption is like death by a thousand cuts. I find myself unable to fall asleep after getting up in the night to use the bathroom just out of the anticipation that he will soon wake up and ruin the night.

I just feel like I'm failing. Having him at home all the time is making me resent my decision to not have official childcare in place earlier, and I feel like I have robbed him of the development he would have had if he was in daycare sooner, even though it would have been financially draining. I cherish the moments where he plays independently, but he is a toddler and wants us to play with him most of the time. He has a million toys and activities but its never enough. He is enrolled in as many activities as we can manage to take him to during the week, but the days are still so god damn long.

I'm so tired and frustrated. Did anyone else have this experience? I need him to talk. I need him to not be here all the time. I NEED HIM TO SLEEP. Everyone around me is having their second or third kid and it makes me wonder if I am just a horrible mother, or if my kid is just so much more challenging than everyone else's. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

Hi everyone! This has been on my mind lately and I’d love to hear if anyone else has felt something similar.

I came across an Instagram reel about only children that really got under my skin. It was making fun of “one-and-done” families and suggesting that a family with two parents and one child isn’t a “real” family. It also mentioned how an only child will one day have to care for two aging parents, while the parents only had to raise one child, which just didn’t sit right with me.

Another point it made was that only children will one day be alone with their childhood memories, without siblings to share that history with. I know sibling relationships aren’t guaranteed to be close or even positive, but that part hit a nerve. I’m an only child myself, my parents are getting older, and I’ve started to feel this quiet fear about losing that original family connection when they’re gone. I have my own family, my husband and daughter, and I’m so grateful for them. But there’s something emotional about your “first family” that feels irreplaceable, and the thought of that fading feels really heavy.

Now I find myself second-guessing our decision to be one-and-done. At the same time, I know my limits. I know that mentally and emotionally, one child was the right choice for me. And at 40, with a 7-year-old, I don’t have any desire to start over.

I know comparison is the thief of joy, and social media can really distort things, but it’s hard not to let it get to you sometimes.

Would love to hear if anyone else has navigated these feelings 🤍

After I realized my mom was the most supportive person of my decision in being oad I stopped giving a fuck what random strangers and my in-laws think about my decision. my mom was my biggest supporter from day 1, she even said herself that one child is better than having multiple to provide for and financially be supportive of and it made me smile seeing how supportive my mother is, I genuinely care less about anyone else’s opinion because my mom has my back and she even defends me when other’s react negatively about my choice. several times she shut people down about my decision. my mom is very pro-choice and always had my back.

I am 8 weeks postpartum (so take all of this with a grain of salt, I know I am very fresh into motherhood) and so thankful to have a healthy and happy baby. I feel like I could be OAD but have small moments wondering if I would regret it. My husband wants more but ultimately he would honor my decision. I know I don’t have to decide right now but thinking through birth control options and family planning

Reasons I could be OAD:

-I had relatively normal pregnancy and delivery but it makes me sad to think of me missing out on almost a whole year of my sons life because I can’t operate at 100%

-I am a high stress person and when I see people with any more than 2 kids their lives seem so chaotic and stressful (even 2 seems stressful to me sometimes)

-I want my son to get our full attention. Rocking him to sleep the other night I got sad thinking about if he ever had to share us with another baby (although I know I would love them the same- I hope this makes sense)

-I want to spend time with my husband and the more kids you have it seems the more you have to “divide and conquer” kid and household duties

-my son has been a very easy baby so far, what are the odds I get this lucky twice??

Reasons I’m afraid I would regret it:

-I think sibling relationships can add a lot of richness to a persons life and wouldn’t want my son to miss out on that

-thinking of my son grieving by himself one day makes me sad

I’d love to hear other peoples perspectives and experiences!

Any girly girls with boys here? Just curious. Always pictured myself as a girl mom but I love my boy! 💖

I’ve always wanted to be a mom, ever since I was a kid it was something I couldn’t wait to do. It wasn’t a super easy journey to get there though, took a year and a half and one miscarriage to get pregnant with my daughter. The pregnancy itself was pretty smooth aside from moderate HG in the first trimester, the birth was amazing and I honestly couldn’t have asked for better. I think I could easily do pregnancy and birth several times over.

Being freshly postpartum with a newborn though? The thought of repeating that ever again gives me a pit inside my stomach. I vividly remember the first few weeks after bringing my daughter home. I had never felt so vulnerable and alone in my life. It was as if I left my home as an actual person and came back as a non entity. I felt like my only purpose was to keep my baby alive and that was it.

The hours and hours spent in the armchair while my daughter cluster fed non stop, trying and failing all the time to get her to stop crying, being so sleep deprived 24/7 that I doubted reality. This didn’t end at the newborn stage either, this was my life pretty much the entire first year aside from the cluster feeding. My daughter was and still is very emotionally sensitive and high needs so the constant crying and shitty sleep just went on and on and on.

My daughter is 16 months now and while things have got a lot better, there’s still a lot of meltdowns, a lot of tears and I struggle to do basically anything since my daughter wants to be held all the time. I love my daughter so much and I do enjoy being her mum, but it’s also so so tasking and the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I still don’t feel like “me”, I still don’t feel like things have gotten significantly easier, there’s still a hell of a lot of struggle going on.

My husband and I recently had a pregnancy scare and it was completely terrifying for me. I’ve been on the fence about being one and done for a while but still open to the possibility of maybe another in a few years. Actually facing the real chance of another baby though was eye opening, the thought of it kept sending me into a hot and cold panic. Probably sounds dramatic since I know my postpartum experience was not that out of the ordinary, it’s hard for everyone, but the dark feelings I had during that period are something I never want to feel again.

After the scare was over, it really put things into perspective for me and I decided that my daughter will be our only. It makes me feel weak because I know there’s tons of people who have had wayyy worse pregnancy and postpartum experiences than me, and yet still have more kids, but I just don’t think I can. Having only one child is viewed pretty negatively in my personal circle, people will say it’s selfish to not give children siblings and that it’s not fair to them, but I also don’t think that having a burnt out, depressed mother is fair either.

I’m really looking forward to my daughter getting a bit older, thoughts of playing make believe with her, taking her on ice cream dates, helping to grow her imagination, they’re what keep me going. The idea of not being able to fully enjoy those things because I’d be taking care of another baby/toddler makes me sad and is just another reason why I just don’t want to do this again.

Just as more and more people are choosing not to have kids at all these days, I think choosing to stop at one should also be seen as a valid and healthy choice. Pushing moms into believing they need more kids just for the sake of their other children and not because they should only have more if they truly want more is not right and what leads to these sorts of dark feelings in the first place. Hopefully one day everyone can celebrate doing whatever feels right for them and others can just mind their own business.

Hi. I keep seeing this as an argument for why it’s unfair to have an only child - no one to share the ‘burden’ with.. 🫠 I don’t have any expectations for our only to take care of us in old age, ever, in fact, we are preparing for this to not be an issue at all (financially, specifically) emotionally of course, being realistic, this will be difficult for our child, with or without a sibling to process it with.

Just wanted to hear what your thoughts are on this? How are you ‘preparing’ for it? Do you have an expectation of your child to help you in some way?

There might be some cultural differences here, for example I am ethically Turkish, although I was born and raised in Denmark where almost all elderly go to a care home, however Turkish people typically take care of their parents in old age, and I know as the eldest, more specifically the eldest daughter, I will be there for my mum, even though she doesn’t expect this from me.

We are one and done by my husband’s choice, not mine. Since then, I’ve also become medically OAD following a hysterectomy due to endometriosis.

My sister-in-law has an only daughter who is 7 months younger than my 5 year old son. They are great friends, as are SIL and I. Based on conversations we’ve had, I figured that they would be OAD as well. Sharing that dynamic with them has been a massive source of comfort and solidarity for me over the last few years.

Well tonight I got a FaceTime from my niece (along with her parents) to tell us that she was going to be a big sister. I am truly happy for them, and for us to have another niece and for our son to have a baby cousin. But I’m also feeling a little gut-punched.

Right after the call ended, my son asked me if he could have a baby sibling too. He has never expressed an interest in a sibling before. I don’t think he’s even considered the possibility but this will likely become a topic of conversation now and I’m just really in my feels about it all.

I thought I had processed my grief over not having more kids fairly well, but this hurts in a way I wasn't prepared for. I didn’t realize the extent to which I had tied my own acceptance of our family size to my SIL’s situation. While I’ve come to deeply appreciate the many positives of our little family, this news has brought much of that old grief right back to the surface.

I took a long shower and had a big cry and since then I’ve been screenshotting comments from this community to remind myself of all the benefits of being OAD.

I just wanted to share this to help process the weight of it. I don’t need reminders of all the reasons OAD is wonderful - I know them well. I appreciate them. Right now I just need to grieve.

I will be okay. But I’m not right now. And that’s okay.

I see a lot of sad and fearful parents on here and I totally understand and sympathize with them. Their feelings matter and I hope they find peace however they ended up becoming one and done💙. I’m a one and done by choice and I have a lot of reasons that I can’t list out for the sake of time and attention spans😅. Anyways, yesterday I had a grateful moment and wanted to share and encourage other parents in this group and ask those who can relate to share.

I’m a very clean and organized person (not OCD) and I love nice things. I love quality rugs, beautiful and quality bedding, furniture, and an overall well decorated yet functional home. My lo is 3 now and she is getting old enough for me to start adding nicer touches because she doesn’t touch or play with my house plants anymore and she doesn’t play in our bedroom so it’s fully decked out and all! We are both very intentional and hands on parents so that makes things easier for both of us for sure.

I’m sharing this because yesterday I was doing laundry and folding it quietly while she was taking a nap and realized how peaceful our life has gotten. As I said earlier, we love nice things. For example, I take my laundry very seriously! I separate colors and fabrics (merino wool and silk especially), I use different detergents, I love the Laundress brand— even though it’s pricey, it smells heavenly on my sheets and towels. I only use it for those and then use a more cost effective detergent for our clothes. I use boosters and other laundry aides to keep our clothes fresh, clean, and just well taken care of. Additionally, we use quality bedding and towels so I take time to make sure they are well cared for and always look nice. Our days are filled with peace because our lo is so sweet and honestly a pretty easy kid. She is so smart, kind, gentle, and beautiful with a side of toddlerhood ofc (iykyk😅). We are able to afford a lot of little luxuries because we only have one instead of multiples. Additionally, I love international cuisines and love making gourmet and healthy meals a couple of times a week. We eat mostly organic, pasture raised, and grassfed and if you live in California, that can get pricey quickly. But, it’s only 3 of us and we eat pretty small portions so our grocery budget is honestly reasonable! We are not rich by any means and our goal is to always save as much as we can so having another one would definitely make things tight. We have a good saving fund for her and her grandparents contribute to it as well so adding another is just not wise for our family. So, in saying all this, I just wanna hear from yall and encourage those who might be interested in exploring this option. The peace is unmatched and even chaotic moments are okay because we won’t have to repeat all over again and plus, I don’t wanna take a chance! I love my kid too much and I lucked out with her😅

I don’t know if this exists but are there children’s books that focus’s on families with one child and growing up in the environment. I heard about Llama Llama but not sure if there are others. Would anyone be able to share?

I see a lot of posts on here where people (understandably) explain they are one and done because they struggled with PPD, struggled with the early years, etc. I am not in this camp. I love every moment of being with my baby and am torn because I want to spend every moment with him and don’t want anything or anyone to take away from that. Anyone else?

This shouldn't bother me but it does.

I was cleaning out odds and ends and found some random baby stuff and my daughter went through her toys to get rid of some. I posted them on the neighborhood list in case anyone could use them. They're nothing fancy but have come in handy.

Not ten minutes later I got an email from someone who said they assumed that I had been saving these because I wanted another baby but couldn't have one and they were sorry but to take heart that it will save me money and stress. I know the person and I know it came from a good place, but it's kind of flabbergasting. Why comment?

I did want another one but circumstances have made it so we are one and done and I love her dearly, but there's still a twinge sometimes. We see on this sub all the time that you have no idea someone's reasons and I just don't understand why anyone would comment. This is an acquaintance, not my best friend or family and even those people do not comment unless I bring it up and ask for advice.

If you and your partner are both introverts -- how did you cope with having a child?

How did you divide the housework and childcare?

What strategies helped you?

When did you first travel abroad with your only?