r/monodatingpoly

No advice requested, just needed to air my heavy feelings. My (M40s) wife (F40s) decided she’s poly, and I being the supportive husband chose to be ok with it. So now she is having the exciting, fulfilling sex life we haven’t had ever since life, stress, kids, etc killed our sexual chemistry. She loves me, but just doesn’t want me “that way” anymore. I also have freedom to date, but in the 6 months since this transition I haven’t had more than a few fun conversations, nothing real, and nothing physical with her or anyone. I feel alone, unwanted, and utterly sad. Leaving would ruin our kids the way my parents’ split ruined my childhood, I can’t do that to them. Something has to eventually change, but right now all I feel is empty. Thanks for listening.

Edit: Thanks for the comments. Yes, this would probably count as poly under duress, because it was never something I wanted to seek out; it was either give this a try or just be satisfied with nothing. We do hug, kiss, hold hands, etc, she just doesn’t have any sexual desire for me. We’re absolutely going to ENM-friendly counseling to figure that part out. I suspect and hope that if our marriage becomes whole and fulfilling to both of us again, she would gradually lose the need to be poly in the first place.

I (31NB) have been seeing a guy (61M) that I met on Grindr back in November ‘24. He is married to a woman, and says it’s DADT. I have my grievances with that but for the most part I believe it genuinely is that, and it’s not cheating. For context I have BPD and I am mono. I am unsure if he would describe himself as poly, but he says he has the capacity to love multiple people so I guess so? He’s not really into hook ups, more building a bond with someone. The first time we met up we hit it off right away and began texting 24/7. At first he called it FWB+ which I had never heard of, then said it was a relationship but I didn’t really want to call it that. It made it seem so real, when it wasn’t.

I was in love him but I was scared to tell him, eventually I did. He said it back a few months later. He became my favourite person way too quickly, but he wasn’t put off by that unless I was having a splitting episode.

We meet on average once every 3/4 weeks, sometimes more often and sometimes less. Texting can be frequent and then we have dry spells. I’m slowly learning to make peace with that fact that if he doesn’t message daily, it doesn’t change things. He has a very busy life with three jobs, so sometimes it is hard to fit anything else in and I understand that.

However I have had several meltdowns, breakdowns whatever you want to call it because of this ‘relationship’. When it’s good it’s really good and when it’s bad it’s really bad. He understands my feelings are complicated because essentially I am in love with someone I cannot fully be with, but I also do not want to lose him completely. It’s like a vicious circle of emotions. Part of me knows I need to end it, but I don’t want to never see him again. But at the same time it hurts so much, and I need to put myself first.

I recently told him I have a crush on an older guy I sometimes see at my job, and he says I should go for it. Once I started talking about it more, he genuinely teared up and said he hopes it goes well. Initially I took this as he just wants rid of me, but I realised he just wants to see me happy and with someone who has more time for me. He’s a great guy, it’s just an unfortunate situation. I used to sit for hours thinking about what it would be like if we were married etc, but I stopped doing that because I made me insanely depressed lmao.

Can anyone else relate at all? Has anyone been in a similar mono/polo situation? Advice is always welcome but this is mainly for a discussion.

Hello, I am constantly seeing people talk about how this dynamic doesn’t work but I have seen a view people share how it’s been successful for them. Can you share how you and your partner have been successful and for how long?

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Hi I (m18) have been dating my boyfriend (tm18) for about a year now and I have known he's poly the whole time but we agreed to not talk about it very much as I didn't quite get it at the time but now I've accepted and am comfortable with him dating another man(tm) but recently he's been asking me to get to know the other boyfriend and I don't know how to go about it and any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated

How much should I tell my poly partner.

I'm insecure in relationships regardless of mono or poly.

I'm jealous of anybody who had a great exploratory sex life, even more now with ED issues.

I'd be ENM/CNM if I wasn't so insecure.

I'm jealous of her ability to be a slut when I was fighting Asperger's and couldn't understand how to be one.

How honest are you all with your poly partner or are there things you will never discuss?

I am in a relationship with my partner from past 5 years. They are poly but I have always been a monogamous person. I tried this poly lifestyle just to be able to understand them better, but the kind of people I am meeting are not good enough (prolly cause I already met the loml, and nothing else seems to match that level). My partner has found someone who is a nice person, I am happy for them but also extremely jealous. To overcome this jealousy, I make sure I also go out on dates, and trying to seek the same what she has found.
I know there are other ways of keeping myself distracted, I have tried all of that but the only thing that has helped me is going on dates myself.
It is not healthy because I get frustrated when I meet wrong people, and I don’t want to be in the same loop of finding, talking and meeting new people, its exhausting but I also don’t know how to overcome this jealousy. Why do I feel that it’s a competition?

Throwaway account as my poly friends may be lurking here.

I'm (monogamous, F27) currently in a fwb situation with Elaine (poly, F30) who remained in-love and intimate with her ex-partner Scarlett even after their breakup. Elaine and Scarlett would continue to hang out, text regularly, and hookup. However, Scarlett constantly suffered from terrible depression which led to her taking her own life a few days ago.

I feel sad about the whole situation. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my situationship with Elaine contributed to Scarlett's death because Elaine would tell me that Scarlett had a problem with Elaine developing emotional connections with other people (I think that includes me, but I'm just assuming).

I feel sad about Scarlett. This was a person that I felt some tiny bit of jealousy towards because she was so beautiful, smart, funny and most importantly, Elaine loved her. It's so painfully obvious to me that they had something that I can't match. Elaine has never articulated that she loved me. I'm fine with that, but I'm not gonna lie, that part stings a bit. But I also recognize that the situation is heavier for Elaine who just lost a soulmate.

I'm really lost. I wanna be supportive towards Elaine but the messy part of me wants to end the "relationship" or at least intimate aspect of our "relationship" (air quotes because there really is no relationship to speak of). I can't keep being physically intimate with her after this. Maybe because I feel like I will always be living in Scarlett's shadow?

Sorry, it looks like I'm selfish for even thinking this way about a sad situation. I know the bigger problem is that Scarlett is dead. But these are my thoughts and I need help processing. Right now, I'm just being a good friend and a listening ear to Elaine who is still in shock about the situation. Also I am unable to talk to anyone about this because my FWBship with Elaine is a secret to my friends. Maybe because I feel a deep shame that Elaine never chose me.

Ok so my question is: how can I be a better friend to Elaine while fighting my urge to cut her off because of the uncomfortable feelings that I have about the situation.