Metamour offed herself
Throwaway account as my poly friends may be lurking here.
I'm (monogamous, F27) currently in a fwb situation with Elaine (poly, F30) who remained in-love and intimate with her ex-partner Scarlett even after their breakup. Elaine and Scarlett would continue to hang out, text regularly, and hookup. However, Scarlett constantly suffered from terrible depression which led to her taking her own life a few days ago.
I feel sad about the whole situation. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my situationship with Elaine contributed to Scarlett's death because Elaine would tell me that Scarlett had a problem with Elaine developing emotional connections with other people (I think that includes me, but I'm just assuming).
I feel sad about Scarlett. This was a person that I felt some tiny bit of jealousy towards because she was so beautiful, smart, funny and most importantly, Elaine loved her. It's so painfully obvious to me that they had something that I can't match. Elaine has never articulated that she loved me. I'm fine with that, but I'm not gonna lie, that part stings a bit. But I also recognize that the situation is heavier for Elaine who just lost a soulmate.
I'm really lost. I wanna be supportive towards Elaine but the messy part of me wants to end the "relationship" or at least the intimate aspects of our "relationship" (air quotes because there really is no relationship to speak of). I can't keep being physically intimate with her after this. Maybe because I feel like I will always be living in Scarlett's shadow?
Sorry, it looks like I'm selfish for even thinking this way about a sad situation. I know the bigger problem is that Scarlett is dead. But these are my thoughts and I need help processing. Right now, I'm just being a good friend and a listening ear to Elaine who is still in shock about the situation. Also I am unable to talk to anyone about this because my FWBship with Elaine is a secret to my friends. Maybe because I feel a deep shame that Elaine never chose me.