r/dating

This is mainly for men who are curious and don't know what it's like for (many) women on dating apps. I've read in a few threads that men don't get swiped right a lot? For many women, the opposite is true. But that doesn't make it more fun. Here's my experience with every app I've been on.

I make an account. I've barely filled in my email address when I already have 20 likes. Haven't even filled in my name or age yet, let alone uploaded pictures. At this point, all they know is that I... exist. And I might be a woman.

Once I've uploaded pictures and filled out my preferences, likes and messages start pouring in from guys from every corner of the world. Seriously. Every continent is active. I'm especially popular in southeast Asia for some reason. I quickly enable the feature that allows only guys from my country to view me.

Once I'm done filtering through the men who would make my dad feel young again, I look through the profiles of the 5% that are actually my age and from my country, only to find out that we are NOT looking for the same thing. Many of them are looking for hook-ups or they want something serious really fast. Plus, at first glance it looks like we have nothing in common. I love traveling, they prefer to stay at home. They wanna spar with someone about philosophy, I wanna exchange memes. Which begs the question: did you really look past my pictures?

I delete the occasional unsolicited dick pic so I can have a conversation with someone else who actually seems decent. Only to find out after a few messages that they're a rude arrogant jerk who's either stuck in the 19th century when it comes to their view on women, who tries to guilt you into doing something they want or shame you for having a different opinion than them.

So yeah, I may have 300 guys who swiped right, but I'm only talking to two guys, praying with every message that they're just a normal dude who wants to have a chat over a cup of coffee. It may seem like we "have our pick", but when your options are dick pics, attachment issues, long-distance chatting, retirement center, manipulation and just straight-up nutjobs, you don't feel so lucky 😭

This post is not meant to say that women are "winning" the contest of poor dating app experiences. It's just to let you know that things aren't all rainbows and sunshine for us either, even if it may seem like it. And I feel bad for all the good men and women out there who are getting lost in the crowd that seems to only consist of weirdos.

1. Emotional unavailability (cannot form/maintain emotional connection)
2. Dishonesty (lying, deception)
3. Disrespect for boundaries (ignores stated limits)
4. Controlling behavior (restricts autonomy, decision-making)
5. Chronic unreliability (doesn’t follow through on commitments)
6. Poor communication skills (cannot express or listen effectively)
7. Lack of accountability (refuses responsibility for actions)
8. Low empathy (doesn’t understand/respond to others’ feelings)
9. Conflict avoidance or escalation (can’t handle disagreement constructively)
10. Financial instability without effort (no planning or improvement intent)
11. Lack of direction (no goals, no forward movement)
12. Overdependence (expects partner to carry emotional/life load)
13. Chronic indecision (paralyzed on basic decisions)
14. Jealousy/insecurity (persistent suspicion, comparison)
15. Entitlement (expects special treatment without reciprocity)
16. Poor hygiene/self-care (basic neglect)
17. Substance misuse or unhealthy coping (persistent, unmanaged)
18. Resistance to growth (rejects feedback, no self-improvement)
19. Value misalignment (core beliefs/lifestyle conflict)
20. Physical attraction mismatch (like height preference)

A friend of mine is single and she was talking about her most recent first date. They were having a few drinks, everything was good and then he said that the ending of Game of Thrones was actually not as bad as everyone says. He said it was a decent ending, it could've been better but it wasn't the catastrophe that everyone said it was.

She absolutely despised the ending (GOT was her fav show till then) and so she couldn't believe this difference of a opinion. She told me that what he said was a red flag and basically mentally crossed him out after that. The crazy part is she said they had a great time together apart from that but because of that opinion, she isn't seeing him again. He ticked off every single other box and she would've seem him again if not for that.

I guess it's an unpopular opinion on GOT but... red flag? Weren't they for abusers/criminals and such? Or absurd political views that might have a carry-over effect into your own life? I feel like people have never been faster to dismiss a potential partner.

I mean in a random public space. Not like a bar or club or something,

I've heard that women don't like if you approach a woman and just tell her she's pretty and want to get to know her. But I've also heard at other times that this *is* acceptable? And what if it's like at the grocery store? Instead of saying she's pretty, you're supposed to comment about how much you love that brand of chicken nuggets?

What exactly is acceptable? I know "As long as you're being respectful". But I can be respectful as I can be when I call a girl pretty and say I want to get to know her more, it'll still sound shallow because I only approached her because she's pretty? That's a non-starter.

Or I can respectfully comment about how awesome the brand of peas is, but it'll still sound awkward?

Or even other than that, if a woman is out and about in public life, I'd assume she's just trying to get her shopping/errand/etc. done and be out of there and go home, not be solicited by some random guy?

Idk, I guess there could be a million other examples than just at the grocery store, too. I just don't know. How is it done?

I (German in Germany) met someone a week and a half ago at a club. We had a blast and exchanged numbers. We started texting on WhatsApp the next day and they said they want to meet up again. I went on a trip with a friend before Easter. We exchanged a message a day which I liked. That way we showed interest but weren’t too intrusive. We agreed to meet up today (Wednesday).

I returned last Friday, we exchanged a few voice messages. My last one said something along “good night”. No response ever since. It was fine because I knew they were busy over the holidays. They still looked at my “updates” on WhatsApp.

Yesterday I sent them a text stating I hope they had nice holidays and what are the plans for Wednesday. Since I am still off work and they’re not, I told them initially to let me know what time would suit them around their work schedule.

They haven’t ‘read’ the message yet but again looked at the photos in my “update”.

I hate playing games (like hard to get) and I find it disrespectful/rude to not answer a direct question regarding a date timely. If you changed your mind, fine. Just let me know so I can plan my time differently.

By now I am not expecting an answer anymore and am not sure if I’d want to keep any interaction with them as this is just not my type of communication.

I just wonder if this behavior is normal to others or if in fact this is rude/disrespectful?

I (M25) had to end it with a girl (F24) after things moved way too fast, and now she hates me. I'm just trying to see if there's anything I did at any point that essentially makes my decision a bad one.

We’d been casually interacting online for a while, mostly replying to each others statuses and exchanging the occasional “hey.” I’d compliment her photos here and there. Nothing serious.

Last week we finally had our first real phone call and talked for almost 4 hours. It felt natural, there was chemistry, everything was going good. During the call we both discovrred we’d kind of had secret crushes on each other.

The next day she called again and at some point brought up the topic of relationships. I said something about moving too fast and how toxic that could be... and she appeared to take it badly, ending the call abruptly. I tried reaching her for hours and the next morning she told me she was upset because me wanting to "take things slow" meant I didn’t like her enough. Her logic was basically “when you know, you know.” This is day 2 of talking by the way.

She then quickly diverted the conversation before i could even respond to clarify what i meant, by telling me that she saved my contact as “babe, loml” and said I should change hers too because she was serious about me. I didn’t want to upset her further after just having had an argument, so I said I did (when I actually didn’t).

That’s where things started getting intense.

The next day she began calling almost every hour, texting constantly about missing me, asking where I was and who I was with... even after i continously told her how busy my day was. She then went through my social media following and started questioning me about the girls I follow. On top of that she was nolonger calling me by my name... it was “babe,” “the love of her life” etc, and saying she loved me, several times during the day. It kinda extinguished the little attraction I had for her in the beginning. Such back to back nonstop clingy behavior has always been a turn off for me. Especially this early into things.

This all happened in the space of 3 days, but it was enough to overwhelm me. I’m already an anxious person and I’m dealing with work stress and important exams coming up, so the whole situation started feeling suffocating. I’ve also been in a relationship like this before and it turned really toxic, so the red flags were loud.

I called her and explained that this wasn’t my style and that I prefer to take things slow and build something properly. I told her I was interested in her, but the pace wasn’t healthy. It wasn't a rejection, it was more of a "let's take it slow and give this the proper chance it deserves"

Her reaction honestly shocked me. She broke down crying, started yelling at me, blaming me for making her "fall for me" and leading her on. She was firing all sorts of insults at me when I stood my ground and decided not to change my mind about my decision. Eventually she asked me to delete her number and said she’d do the same to mine.

So I respected her request and ended it there.

Now she hates me and keeps posting on her socials about "men leading her on", "how she's always getting hurt when all she has to give is love". So yeah, essentially blaming me completely for how she's feeling right now but honestly, the peace that came afterward was worth it.

I know if I stuck around longer I might’ve taken her back out of pity, and that wouldn’t have been good for either of us. I consider myself a highly empathetic person (something I'm currently working on), and this was not an easy decision to make. But I'm learning to put myself first. I also believe that even though she can't see it, it's probably best for her too. I was initially willing to give it a chance with proper pacing, but her reaction let me know all I needed to know and how inevitable the tragic ending would be.

Also, just to add on: we’ve never met in person, and she claims to be deeply in love with me based on three photos of mine and only a few days of talking. Am I wrong for finding that strange, or do some relationships actually start out that way and survive?

So yeah, was i wrong for going about it this way?

I'd also like to hear about similar experiences from you, if any. How did you handle it?

What do you talk about on a first date after you decided to meet a person irl?

Is it important for you to understand something principally important? Or do you meet only after everything important was discussed online before?

Or are you simply making small talk to indirectly understand whether you're generally like this person or not?

I’m dating a woman who I find attractive and interesting, but I do want to keep exploring and getting to know her more since I’ve only been to 3 dates so far (she used to be my friend but i dont know her well)

I have ocd which makes me doubt… a lot of things, so I’m trying to take my time. I do enjoy my time with jer, but I do see some stuff that doesn’t match

I (22M) had a date with a girl (22F) which I can’t tell if it went well

It’s a first date. I went to the wrong coffee shop (same franchise) so I got there 30 min late. It was a minor communication misunderstanding. Then from 10-11(ish) we hung out.

Convo never ended. It was fun. We talked a lot. We walked a bit.

But it ended almost abruptly. Now, she lives 75 miles away and she had to get back to school (she will be living near me over the summer). She had already told me she had to leave by 12 prior.

But I felt things were good.

And we have a second date planned already, as she is my formal date (and we’re getting dinner prior to formal). And she said we’d talk and whatnot over the phone.

I just didn’t feel like I flirted with her a lot, and I was worried that it was just too short.

Time flew by with her though. The convo was very good- there was just so much left untouched. And it was good overall.

I think usually my first dates last 2-4 hours, so it was kind of a shock. I’ve also never had a bad first date, so it still was a bit jarring how quickly it ended.

Honestly I’m just writing here bc I think it’s better than asking ChatGPT and good to get actual opinions lol

This guy I’m talking to, his snap score goes up exponentially whenever we text (we don’t snap each other bc I hate using the app), usually he sends ~5 snaps a day, but after/during the time he’s texting me his snap score will go up by 60-100 snaps over a few days.

Idk wtf this means. I’m totally overthinking it haha but it’s a bit fun to overthink too

At first I thought he was snapping a bunch of other girls but maybe he’s talking to his friends?

Do you think he’s saying something abt me? It’s just weird how usually when his snap score spikes so much it’s right after we hang out or we text

Hi so I’ll keep it very short.

I’m M21 living in Germany and I have come to the conclusion that dating is tough AF here. At least for me it is.

To me it seems that certain tendencies you’d see internationally/US/UK etc. in the online space are basically absent here. Many things differ A LOT and tbh I am sort of giving up the online thing as I genuinely can’t find someone whom I’d actually start a LTR with, thus I basically struggle A LOT.

Tbh I just really wan a partner nowadays and intend to marry in my mid-late 20s.

I suppose one big factor is that i literally only have selfies and maybe one outtake pic at most. Also I’m kinda dumbfounded to what I’d actually write in a bio. Mine went along the way of:

Looking for someone to share life experiences with. Preferring the role of the passenger princess would be absolutely amazing. Not too keen on the texting and more-so a fan of the classic coffee date. You’ll see me at Film-Theaters/Pool-Table/Bowling-Lounges

About irl: I am not a shy guy whatsoever but tend to spend most if my time at places where you’d rarely encounter a girl who can be actually approached. I spend most of my time at work or at the library to dive into my studies. We have this giant library here and I thought about approaching a girl once or twice. I should add that I do not intend on interrupting studies or anything. The libraries here have break areas where people chat, enjoy some food etc. That would be one of the places I thought of approaching someone at. Also just when a girl that actually interests me is sitting across the table and seems to be packing her stuff and ready to leave, I thought that approaching might be a possibility since I’m not interrupting anything (PROBABLY)

I should add that many women in terms of online dating automatically fall out of my realm of possibilities just because I’m around 5.5ft. I to have a really good face and physique but I think that many would just swipe left the same way I do with someone way taller. Even though most are actually shorter than me HAHAHA. FYI: I have no issues with my height whatsoever and take great pride in other aspects of my life. It’s just a fact. But fortunately I grew past that a long time ago.

Thanks for the advice/suggestions and DAMN I DID NOT KEEP IT SHORT.

Also a small follow up question: what do you even do after securing some kind of contact info and have tlaked about the basic stuff like food/series/interests/hibbies?

Small note: not looking for hookups or anything at all. I am seeking a genuine connection. I would really like to hear some of you’re women’s/girls’s opinion in the library thing. Or even similar experiences from my male BODDAS

I have been working on not talking as much but rather listening to what woman say. There's this one girl at work who I like and I'll let her talk for a while about her interests and I'll even ask her tell me more aviut a specific thing she mentioned

Will this build emotional connection as well?

So envious of those in America I feel as though there’s so many different races to date from ! In England other than London I don’t think it’s as common and some cities are multicultural but very divided. So I’m in a city where it’s majority my cultural people (south Asian) though I’m attracted to them I don’t like their mindset. And then on here I even came across a Native American 😩 I’m jelly! Feel as though my dating experiences would have been better or different in the states.