r/christiandatingadvice

Hi everyone, I could really use some outside perspective because I feel pretty confused right now.

I was seeing a Christian guy for a little while, and I started to genuinely like him. We got along really well, I enjoyed being around him, and honestly he has a lot of qualities I would look for in a husband.

Earlier this week, he told me he thinks we should just be friends because we’re at different spiritual levels right now.

For some background: I grew up in the church, but my family stopped going when I was in middle school, so I drifted away from it. Recently, I’ve felt a strong pull to reconnect with my faith and take it more seriously. He, on the other hand, is very strong and devoted in his faith—it’s a central part of his life. He told me he’s looking for a woman who loves God more than she would love him, which I completely understand and respect.

Since that conversation, but not due to it, I’ve been trying to be more intentional about my faith overall. I’ve been spending more time in the Bible, reflecting more, and working on making God a central part of my life in my day-to-day actions. This is something I’ve felt personally called to grow in, regardless of how things turn out with him. I’m still early in that process, and it’s not always easy, but I am genuinely trying and staying consistent.

When we talked about everything, he brought up the idea of being “equally yoked,” which I do agree with. But emotionally, it was still really hard to hear. At the time, I feel like I responded more from emotion than from a grounded understanding of everything.

He said he would still like to be friends and mentioned things like going on walks, Target runs, and even Bible study together. I told him I was hesitant because I’m scared I would end up hurting myself by holding onto hope that there could be something more. He said there could be a future, but as of right now, we aren’t spiritually aligned.

There are also a couple of other important factors. He shared that he struggles with temptation (like porn) and doesn’t want to put me in a position to deal with that, which I honestly respect. At the same time, when we first met, I would describe myself as more of a “lukewarm Christian,” and we did give in to some physical temptation together (not sex, but still things I now regret). I think that’s part of why I feel so emotionally stuck now, and I know it was very wrong. I now know why we aren’t supposed to engage in those acts before marriage. I feel horrible about it and would love to apologize for the role I played in things, but again I’m hesitant to ask to meet up. I’m second guessing myself on whether or not he truly meant that we could still be friends.

Right now, he still keeps in contact with me, but he doesn’t make an effort to see me anymore. And I don’t want to annoy him with asking to see each other, if he didn’t truly mean it. The effort feels different, and that’s been confusing for me.

Another layer to this is that I don’t really have strong Christian influences in my life. My family is more lukewarm, and when I try to take my faith more seriously, they make comments about me being “too extreme,” which makes it harder to fully lean into it. That’s part of why I’m even considering staying connected to him—I don’t really have anyone else to walk through this with.

So now I feel like I’m at a crossroads:

• Would it be a bad idea to ask him to do a Bible study together, even just as friends?

• Should I create distance to protect my emotions?

• Do you think he genuinely meant there could be a future, or was that just a gentle way of letting me down?

At the end of the day, I do want to keep growing in my faith no matter what happens with him. I’ve been trying to pray about it and trust God with the outcome, but I’m still feeling unsure.

I would really appreciate advice, especially from people who take their faith seriously or have been in a similar situation.

Is he a love bomber? Maybe a little narcissistic? Or am I just reading into it. Cause I cannot read this man.

Ok this is long - BUT I SWEAR ITS WORTH the read…..

FYI we are in our 20’s. So from the beginning we started texting and it was going great and it was summertime. He did kind of compliment me often over text. Not just about my looks. And was texting good morning & goodnight. So i went on a date with him and I thought it went great! Very much a gentleman didn’t let me walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk on date 1 lol. offered to help me park cause it was busy and weird parking.

But.. the next day, he texted me and said he went through a breakup 3 months and is still dealing with some conflicting emotions and definitely still has feelings for his ex. He said sorry. I said if you just want to be friends for now I’m ok with that. Then he said he needs space to honor what God has put on his heart. (Like why would you go on a date with me if you weren’t ready to date again? And he was trying to see me for a few months PRIOR to this, but I was not able to yet.)

But 6 hours later, he said While he is still hurting, maybe being friends for now would be good actually. He said sorry that is wishy washy, he’s just vulnerable rn. He also said he’d still like to go to the thingy we were supposed to go to as our 2nd date. (So at this point he would like to be just friends)

THEN he said: I’m really sorry for making things complicated, this was never my intention. I just needed to be open about my current state of mind, but I truly do want to get to know you and see where things lead.

A few texts later he said: think I should be able to navigate this successfully. I don’t want you to get hurt and will always consider that. (Implying that we should keep going on dates as more than friends.) (“navigate this successfully” … weird way to put it..)

… so first you change your mind on being ready to date someone new. Then you change mind about not being friends. Then you change your mind about being just friends. What?? So at this point he’s making it obvious that we are going on our 2nd date as more than friends.

before our second date, he said he’s excited to see me. But I thought about this more and was thinking I will go on this date since I said yes, but I decided I would text him after this date and say I don’t feel comfortable moving forward since you are still have feelings for your ex.

— SOOO during our 2nd date, there was a card game he wanted to play on his phone with me. In the middle of the screen on the app, it has a spot for a picture and it was a pic of him & his EX. Like did he not think about that before he opened up this app? And then he continued to play as the picture is in the middle of the screen 😂put me in an awkward position and I said something like “um do you want to like get the off of there or change it”. I didn’t know if he was doing it on purpose. He did end up changing it right there. I wasn’t going to keep playing the game with a pic of him and his ex right there.

So the day after our 2nd date**,** he said: “Hey, sorry it was kinda awkward last night but thank you for meeting me! idk how you are feeling about things lol I kind of got the feeling that we don’t have a ton in common:/ I’m not sure if the circumstances played a role in that or the setting etc… I just don’t want any relationship to be based mainly on attraction you know what I mean.” (Ok so he thinks I’m too hot? And we don’t have hobbies in common? I think your just not over your ex)

He also said: “true, definitely kind of a weird situation (the pic of him & his ex) and I am not in the most comfortable position mentally to share and stuff, I just didn’t feel like we connected a ton on any hobbies or stuff like that.”

—- 😭who the heck doesn’t go on a 3rd date with someone bc they don’t think they have hobbies in common? We don’t need to have hobbies in common at first. We also barely talked about all of our hobbies yet! Maybe he was making an excuse about the ex girlfriend thing. Later found out we was…

Then that night he said: “Maybe we can try something again when we get back from our trips.” I didn’t respond yet and 3 days later he said I hope you have a great trip up north:). Then that night he said: “Hey, no worries if you are over me but I do want to try and get to know you in a more relaxed setting (our 2nd date was in the most relaxing setting possible.)*** ****and I’ll come with a better date of mind. (*What???) How about dinner and a movie or mini golf next week? I can drive closer to your neck of the woods haha”

——SO YOUR CHANGING YOUR MIND AGAIN! You said you didn’t want to go on another date. Now you want to go on a 3rd date? Like you aren’t over your ex, and you supposedly don’t think we have enough hobbies in common😂.

I responded: “I’ve been thinking and I honestly don’t think it’s the right time to keep hanging out. Things have felt a little too up & down and I’m just looking for something that feels steady. Maybe we’ll reconnect at some point, but for now I think it’s best to leave things here” —- like he’s already feeling hot & cold kind of vibes

He responded and also said “Lmk if you ever change your mind”

I said: “I just didn’t feel comfortable with how recent your last relationship was, and also the off and on interest. If we were going to keep getting to know each other I feel like it would need to be after you’ve had more time from your recent relationship. I don’t ever want to be in a situation where I have to worry about whether the person I’m seeing is still thinking about someone else”

— he said: “totally understand” and 2 days later he said “Let’s touch base in a few weeks if that’s ok with you:)”

—- WHAT??!! I thought I made it obvious this is not something I want to continue right now and now I felt like he’s pushing this onto me to see him. And the smiley face? Just making it even more up & down when I thought i set a clear line that these dates between me & you are done until you are OVER YOUR EX. How do you know you will be over her in a few weeks?? You don’t. I responded and said I have a lot of health issues going on rn and won’t be able to.

1 DAY later he said this: “Hey, I’ve been thinking, I do truly like you and want to see you again when you are ready. I’m so sorry I made things so complicated and have been so tricky to deal with.(mhmm) I definitely was not clearly focused (?? ..he did say he was very tired before our date) and it was just so uncomfortable after that awkward moment and I felt so bad. (OHHHH so it wasn’t bc of our hobbies. Right.) I felt like we had a real connection after that first date (I agree but then you messed it up!) and we need to get back to that kind of setting or activity (lol what? It shouldn’t matter what we’re doing.) and get to know each other more. I’m praying for your healing and comfort and for God to give clarity on this whole situation.” “I have really appreciated our communication and think that we could have a lot going for us:)” (we’ve only been on 2 dates) “You are one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met” “Not to mention beautiful 😍” the next morning he said: ”Sorry if I came on strong here, I just wanted to make myself clear”

—- ok very nice. But like- are you over your ex yet? Still don’t think it’d be smart to try to date you cause you’re so up & down/change your mind so much.

—- I ended up saying yes to another date. I wanted to see this through because I really liked him before this stuff happened. And I told him I needed some time because the things I was dealing with with my health had gotten worse. And he was always very supportive and respectful about it.

He asked me to hangout one weekend and I couldn’t. And then he got last minute football tickets and asked me to go and I couldn’t.

I brought up his ex and he said: “Idk if there is ever going to be a point where I’d say I’m gonna be over my ex entirely, I will always love what God provided during that time in my life and shaped me into a better man. I can say I am healing and feeling better about things and not dwelling on the past like I was before. I love very deeply, so it’s not a light switch on and off. If I had met you now, I might not have mentioned my past relationship so early and had it affect what could be between us (mind you, it’s only been a month since we met😂). It was a mistake for me to meet you so quickly (AGREED and I said that first) and I am sorry for hurting you. I’m not sure what the way forward is.“ (so the ball is in my court.)

2 weeks later, I said I’m not feeling like I’m in a place right now where i can date because of my health issues. So then he was very supportive of my health issues and kind and checked in on me.

— 2 weeks AFTER I said I can’t date rn bc of my health, he said: “I’m going to be honest, I am very interested in you and am flexible to how things look even if you aren’t feeling the best, I’m sure we can make things work.”11:45pm

Once again, kind of pushing me/pressuring me to see him again when I said i can’t! I was kind of flattered though that he’s acting like he likes me a lot ? Too bad you weren’t over your ex when we went out!!

the next morning he said: “Sorry, was so tired last night…. I respect your choice, hopefully there is some light at the end of the tunnel for your health soon and then we can connect if that is God’s plan:)”

I told him I still can’t date right now because of my health. And he also said: “Wanted to let you know again that you are very beautiful btw.” Bc he knows I liked when he said that to me so many other times.

Here’s a little timeline:

July 6 - first date

Sept 4 - I told him I can’t date rn cause of my health

Oct 8- he said “Hey, time fora check in lol, how are you doing?”

Oct 13 - he said “Would you want to grab coffee this Saturday?” And I couldn’t I had plans.

Then he asks: “What day works for you?” .. I told you TWICE that I can’t date right now bc of my health! I told him a 3rd time I can’t.

He said: Well, if you think you will be able to get coffee soon, I’d love to. You dont have to worry about feeling perfect for me, I am compassionate. Just would be good to see you:)

—- since he was being so nice the last few months bc of my health, I said I’d be able to get coffee when I feel better.

THEN HE SAID THIS @1:30am : “Hey, I feel the Holy Spirit pushing me to be in the open about my past sin… I fell down to sin in college and was in some pretty sinful and lustful relationships with my first two gf. I was a Christian but definitely didn’t fully commit to knowing God and building a relationship during this time. I have repented and turned from this sin and I am forgiven. I often struggle with shame around this past, but I am reborn and made new. I understand if this is a dealbreaker for you and wanted to be open about this so that you have all the information. I’m really sorry if this changes things.”

— …ok I think that is something to share in person. Don’t you? I had had a lustful past too so this doesn’t bother me.

But isn’t this something to share with your significant other when you are getting more serious? why did he say this to me right now? Is this immature to do? I asked him if he cheated and he said no but he’s been cheated on.

So the near the end of October I was bad at responding consistently. But he was trying to be nice about my health issues and we kept texting here and there. Then all of a sudden it’s the end of November and he’s still checking in on me and I’m still not doing good.

January 3rd I asked him if he’d like to get coffee and he said: “Hey! Thanks for reaching out! I am definitely still interested but want to give myself some more time and not risk hurting you again. Over Christmas a lot of memories and emotions came back for me so I had a bit of a set back and need some more time to process that. But we can revisit soon”

Omg so you’re still not over your ex? You have been asking me for 4-5 months to go on another date with me?

7 DAYS LATER: he asked to grab coffee. YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU ARE OVER IT AFTER JUST 7 DAYS?! Im not buying it at all. Boy you are all over the place. And what makes you think that I’m going to see you 7 days after you told me you have been having memories and emotions about your ex.

The next day I still haven’t responded yet and he said: “I’m sorry I didn’t say yes before, just was worried about hurting you more. I would really enjoy dinner or something too.” A couple hours later he said “I’m really glad that you are feeling better too:)” “And I need to meet your puppy soon! Maybe a double date with (his dogs name)😘”

WHY THE KISSY FACE noooo

I didn’t respond for 2 days. oops.

I said: “Hey I appreciate the honesty, I just feel like it’s too soon to go on a date/ get to really know you if you were dealing with emotions for an ex very recently, and for me that’s a deal breaker. and it’s just too fresh for me to feel comfortable going on a date with you.”

He said: “I respect your decision, but if you ever change your mind feel free to reach back out. Things change. I pray you are still feeling well and for your job stuff too” (Jan20th)

1 month later he asked how I’ve been doing. (Feb 22)

Another month later, he said “would be good to get coffee when I get back next week” from his trip. (This was on Mar17th)

So currentlyyyyy, he’s still up for coffee but that was on March 27th and I said I can go in a few weeks. Lmao what a rollercoaster! What do you guys think about him and about all of this?!!!😂😭

Honestly. I am almost a 40 years old virgin and I don't see it for me. I have been waiting for a husband for a 11 years and I tired of waiting. I just want the desire to just go away for good.

I love the feeling of winning in plain sight of people who had previously put you in the 'LOSER' quadrant of their brain, and it actually makes it easier for me in terms of quickly figuring out how to prove them wrong, but it is f..lippin' exhausting!

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another -Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

Iron sharpens iron etc., so doubt and underestimation can eventually rub off on us, and we can begin to doubt ourselves and underperform.

Hey, this might be a bit unconventional, but I want to be real about where I’m at.

I’m a Christian man who takes faith seriously, but I’m also a human who isn’t married and is wishing for the benefits that come with marriage. Having real desire while trying to live within certain boundaries can feel isolating, and it’s not something people talk about honestly very often. Constantly pushing it down doesn’t always feel healthy or sustainable.

I’ll also be upfront, I haven’t done anything like this before. I come from a pretty conservative background with strong purity culture influences, so even opening up about this takes a bit for me. I can be a little shy when it comes to more intimate conversations, but that’s part of why I’m here… I’m looking for something real, safe, and understanding.

I’m not looking to disrespect faith, I actually want the opposite. I’m looking for a space where two people who understand that tension can talk openly, without shame or judgment. Someone who gets what it’s like to carry both belief and desire at the same time.

What I’m hoping for is an ongoing friendship with a Christian woman who’s kind, open-minded, and comfortable with honest conversation about attraction and connection. Someone who enjoys a bit of playful energy, a natural build of chemistry, and is open to a more flirtatious kind of dialogue if it feels right for both of us.

The goal is to have some pressure free fun and connection. It’s mutual understanding, trust, and having a place where we can be safe to share and open ourselves a little more freely than we usually allow.

If that resonates with you, feel free to reach out. No expectations, just seeing if there’s a genuine connection there…

Other than that regular dating is a bunch of foolishness🤡 I'm over it.

So, I have recently come into faith (I have always believed but now became more active). I have some questions about dating for my Christian sisters (or brothers, I guess anyone who is/has been in the same boat as me). I have a hard time saying this so be kind to me! Physical aspect of the relationship is very important to me. Not in a lustful way, for me it’s such a vulnerable moment and a way to bond on a higher level. I don’t want to show that side to anyone except my future partner, and I want to be sure there is chemistry and I feel safe and wanted.

I feel like it’s a big taboo to talk about this stuff and I feel so ashamed of even thinking about it, but I know I would feel horrible in a relationship where that is missing. I don’t think I could get married like that. I would grieve that because there would always be a part of me no one could see, a part that could never fully connect. I feel like the bond between me and my future partner would always be missing something, like I could never be truly one with them or trust them with my whole heart, mind, body, and soul.

So my question is, how do I know this person would be compatible with me? I don’t want to do it before I know we’re getting married, but how would I know before doing it? Can I just ask or is it… weird or wrong? Is it normal to talk about that stuff while getting to know each other?

Thank you for reading this through! May God bless you and bathe you in his glory🤍

I’ve heard some worldly perspectives on on again off again relationships but I just want to know from a Christian standpoint what do you think? Are there any Christians that have had a successful marriage after being on and off while dating?

Edit: if you HAVE had a successful marriage after an on and off relationship what did it take to get there?

I’m 22 years old I have a intellectual development disability I’m a podcaster a author I have a full time job I’m a young life leader I still live with my parents I’m 6 months fresh after getting cheated on and I have a desire to be a husband and father please pray god will use me and he will help me grow

So, I (Male, 20) and my fiancée (Female, 19) have been dating for 3 years and are getting married in the next 3 months. Some issues and bad habits have started to arise, and I genuinely feel so stuck...

We have been getting into arguments recently, and I have felt so unheard that I can't breathe. She takes so much of what I say as an insult or that I think she is some horrible person. Let me give you an example: today I said that after an argument, I want to talk to a counselor or somebody so I can tell them about how I feel and how to navigate what's going on. Instead of being supportive, she immediately said, "So you can go to someone, but I can't." I didn't say she couldn't go to anyone. Literally nowhere, not even really possible for misinterpretation. Then I proceeded to tell her that I never said she couldn't, and then she said, "Fine, go tell the whole world how much of a bitch I am." I'm not sure how to respond to what she said. I am just in complete and utter shock. For more context, we do not cuss at each other nor do we call each other names, so when things like this get said, it strikes hard. On top of this, I feel that when she misinterprets what I say as negative, I can't explain what I am actually saying.

When we are in the heat of it, I also notice that when we are arguing, it feels like it's her against me instead of us together against the issue. Whenever I do not like the way that she worded something, I tell her that and let her know an alternative option we can try, but she starts saying things like, "Well, this isn't gonna work either, just like the hundreds of other times you told me to say something else." It's in these moments that I am in shock, I'm numb, there's no way she would say something like that. I have no idea where this is coming from, and I feel so hurt. I've also noticed that a lot of what I come to her about gets turned around on me in some way; most of the time, it's "Well, you do the same thing to me," or she talks about how she's been bottling up the same emotions. Which is bonkers to me because why don't you tell me what you have a problem with, and I will fix it??? Sometimes, when I come to her about something I am not okay with, she starts bringing up all these things I recently did wrong, like not choosing the options she voluntarily gave me because I decided to go with something else I liked. Not to mention how mean she can get, tone-wise and sarcastically. I am just in shock when that happens too.

One thing that bothers me to my core is when she will come up to me and say something like, "I feel like you are *insert negative characteristics*" Like what the hell, you can't state your feelings as something that I am or am thinking, that's not fair. So, I'm put in a situation where I am trying to prove a negative, which is impossible. I audibly get upset when she does this, then she shuts down and says, "I can never talk about my feelings." Then I try to explain to her that you can't bring it up in an accusatory way that makes me have to prove a negative. She then says that she will keep it in from now on instead because she "can't talk about her feelings".

Obviously, there are more details, but this is the gist of my situation. I feel so hurt, stuck alone. I feel in shock that this is happening; this never used to be a thing. I don't want to feel like I am going crazy. Can someone please give me advice on how to go about this?

P.S. We are Christian and I am more than happy to hear any biblical advice that you may have. Also, keep in mind that what I am telling you isn't her full character. There are always two sides to the story. I need help on what I can do on my end.