i still want to be in a relationship?
In the past year or so, I've come to identify myself as asexual to myself and a few of my close friends, which has been around a decade in the making after much, much internal debate and reflection. I've never had sex (27F), have no desire to and being in a situation where it is offered is anxiety-inducing. It's taken me a while to realise that this is anxiety related to rejecting something I have no desire for rather than just general anxiety (lol) As it's been a long time coming, I'm mostly feeling okay about it and I don't feel as if I'm "missing out" on sex. I find it fun to have "crushes" on people I find aesthetically pleasing and I'm happy with that.
The thing I'm having a lot of trouble with at the minute (and have had forever, really) is the fact that I've never been in a romantic relationship. I've been asked out multiple times, but each time rejected them due to feelings of severe anxiety that I'd never been able to explain. I've gone on dating apps and had fun texting but as soon as a real date was offered, I back off immediately. So, I've been throwing around the idea that I'm probably aromantic too.
The issue is I WANT to be in a relationship so badly, but (is this odd to say??) I can't make myself do it. Like, I want to be married so badly and to have a family and if I ever get over my fear of childbirth I'd love to have kids. It's just that the thought of going on dates and having to be intimate makes me feel as if I want to hide.
It's also (I think) becoming a worry to my family that I've never been in a relationship and I'm starting to feel as if I'm being - not judged - but definitely worried about and its become an open topic of conversation about finding me a husband. Anyway, telling them isn't really an option. I still want to be loved, you know? It's just that you can't really go on Hinge and be like, look I'm not after anything that you are but do you want to be in a relationship and get married even though blah blah blah. ANYWAY!
All of this to say... is it possible to be in a sort-of-not-really romantic relationship and get married and have kids while being ace (and likely aro) without EVER having to explain it to your family. And how does one go about it?