r/actuallesbians

Is there a huge problem with ghosting in the sapphic and lesbian communities or is it just me?

I was constantly getting ghosted on dating apps until I FINALLY connected with someone who was so similar to me. Today, they ended up blocking me on everything with absolutely no context. Things were going so well so I was completely blindsided.

I’m probably done with romance for awhile now because that genuinely scarred me. I even opened up to her about being ghosted often and she said she would NEVER do anything like that so I had so much confidence in this. I am a mess right now and haven’t gotten out of bed this whole day.

I will be visiting each of you individually to change your default search engine to Yahoo! Search. I will also be removing all your favorite sapphic influencers from your follow list & turning your mouse sensitivity down to 1%. Yes that applies to joke posts. You have been warned.

Kidding, y'all kids enjoy. I'm just gonna mute the sub for a few days until everyone gets it out of their system lol.

I’m looking for practical tips from your experience : one useful, concrete thing you’d tell someone with zero experience (me).

Not just general advice like communication (I know that matters), but something that actually made a difference for you.

What’s one tip you’d give to a complete beginner ? Share your moves !! 🤓📝

So, I have this friend. He's a cis gay man and most of the time, he's really chill. He has some moments that are like 'yeah, he's definitely a man', but those are few and far between, except for this one:

He has a tendency to joke about being a lesbian, and that many women call him a lesbian, and that hes spiritually lesbian, or whatever. 

After I first heard the jokes, I sort of wondered if he might be an egg - but then he brought up that people said he gave 'trans woman vibes' and he very plainly / flatly denied it. It did make him uncomfortable, but it sounded like that was because he was not comfortable with that label, even as a joke. Again, a little 'eggy', but he's very proudly a gay man- as in, he's very open and happy about being a gay man in a gay relationship.

The reason why his jokes irk me is that they feel a little.. mean about it? Like, obviously not homophobic, but definitely a little too much toying with a term that doesn't at all apply to him. It feels reductionist, or something, idk.

For a bit more context, he has once or twice joked similarly about being a black woman and a stud, despite being a very very white man. I quickly shut that down, because our friend group is mainly just white people and that.. no. it's just not a good joke, or something he should 'identify' with even as a joke. I can't imagine that not coming from a racist place, even if done light-heartedly / with no ill intentions. With that in mind, it also makes the lesbian jokes feel.. meaner?

idk, i feel like i might be overreacting, or maybe that i'm getting jealous because of my difficulties feeling 'worthy' enough of the term ( trans woman, so there's a lot of frustrating / alienating "discourse" around it :c ). thoughts?..

I feel like a lot of women that are bi or lesbian are waiting for a girl to notice or approach. Sometimes you gotta take the bull by the horns. If it doesn't work out that's okay. If it does great! Bottom line is your life is in your hands.

already made a post about blatant transphobia during my biology classes at school, which especially wore me down during a class about reproduction (yay gender dysphoria, trans girl reporting here), but this isn't this sub's topic is it...

Can I just say, fucking straight sex or whatever they tell you at school makes me wanna throw up? Why don't we also hear anything about the existence of lesbians? I know it's about reproduction, but at that point, you can always tell us about options WE have, and stop with all that straight nonsense... it's actually disgusting to me... am I the only one with this reaction to this topic?

Extreme yap because I don't have anyone to listen.

So I have a hard time sharing personal things about me to my therapist. As a result, she pushes me a lot and really won't give up until I answer.

One day she asked about what I talk to my friends about, which led to asking about crushes. She asked if I had celebrity crushes and the sort, then she brought up the sexuality topic. I was being very avoidant and obviously not wanting to answer, which I felt was okay to excuse on such a sensitive topic.

My therapist is a straight woman who I think is in her 40s. I know she is an ally, I just don't feel I should have to come out, and be open with her because of that. Straight ally's still have ignorance sometimes.

She tried to get me to answer by mentioning this LGBTQ+ group, and saying "A lot of people are gay now" or something along the lines of that to which she quickly added, "Wow, I sound old."

This is kind of what I mean by ignorance, I haven't come out to my parents or her because she's older and I don't want them to think I'm only gay because of the 'trend' or something.

Anyway as she kept talking, she sort of backed me i to a corner with no way out where if I didn't just say I was straight, then the answer was obvious, and I started crying which definitely gave it away lmfao...

Fast forward to our next session, it was on the phone partly because I was too uncomfortable to come in. She brought up the sexuality topic again, and I started crying again lollll...

I felt a little braver over the phone, and just said, "I didn't choose to share that with you." I can't really remember what she said because I was so nervous, but her reply was like a question to confirm what I said that sounded like I did confirm my sexuality with her, which I never did.

So it kind of ended with her asking if I would like her to continue talking about it in the future and asking if it was something she could share with my parents, and I said no, and that was that I guess.

I'm not sure if I want to see her anymore, but I've been through so many therapists that I really don't want to start again. I do think this is an important thing for me to talk about, but I do not want to talk about it with a straight woman. Thank you for listening. <3

Hi it's my (20F) first time posting here because I really need advice. I was dating a girl for 1.5 years and overall we had a great relationship, not perfect ofc, but we got along extremely well and were always there for each other. It was my first relationship ever and I never loved someone as much as I loved her. We ended up breaking up a few months ago because she realized she's polyamorous even though a week before that she told her mom we were gonna live together in a year. The way she handled things was very hurtful and most of my friends dislike her for it now lol. However, I cannot avoid her because we live in a smaller city with a small ish alt scene and she is the most popular dj here. I keep seeing her everywhere and she's booked for basically every rave I want to go to. Almost everyone who's ever been to one of her sets says she's the best dj they've ever seen. The only person I went on a date with since we broke up actually is now designing her merch bc they met at one of her sets and they didn't know it was my ex. I genuinely cannot escape her and it's driving me crazy. We are not on bad enough terms where I can't stand her but I feel like I cannot move on if I keep seeing her. But I have to!! I cannot even block her or I won't be able to go to events I know I would enjoy. We tried to be low contact for a bit and we even hung out once (should not have done that - lesson learned) because we know we are going to be in each other's lives to at least some extent. She's so successful and I hate seeing people, including our mutual friends, glaze the shit out of her even though she hurt me so deeply. I know it'd be so much easier to move on if I just didn't have to ever see her but I can't not do that. Being in the scene means the world to me and arguably I was the one to introduce her to it in the first place tbh. I wish I could move.

TLDR my ex (first relationship ever) is the most popular dj in our area and I don't want to sacrifice my enjoyment of the scene but I also don't know how to move on if I have to keep seeing her everywhere