For me personally, there isn't really anything that I like or enjoy and I'm looking forward to seeing them anymore. I wouldn't postpone my escape for anything.
Ive had psychotic symptoms for a while, but I always thought it was triggered by extreme stress and that the things I thought and experienced were normal in anxiety.
I got hospitalized over half a year ago and got put on an antipsychotic. Just starting to realize how some of my "just anxiety thoughts" and experiences werent merely only anxiety...
But I wouldve never guessed it was schizophrenia, and in a way I still doubt it despite my psychiatrist saying I do have it. It feels so overblown yet I know its probably true. Its just so hard to accept that my reality and emotions connected to it might not be real and I wont know when it happens..
I spoke to my mother and she confirmed that our family has a history of psychoses as well.. Im so scared this will get worse, if this will affect my future occupations even more. I cant tell people about this because Im scared they will think Im a crazy murdurer because of the stigma.. How do I even tell my mother? she knows I have gotten psychosis but not the schizophrenia diagnoses.. I used to be so bright as a kid but now I only feel like a failure, like Im failing her.
It's not really the eccentric behavior that is the problem. It was embarrassing for me growing up but that's just me not wanting be judged by kids for having a "weird" mom.
It's more like... her social fears and insecurity leading her to becoming codependent on her abusive felon husband, whom she let live with us and thus indirectly let abuse me.
She doesn't think anything through and so was always getting me into dangerous situations. She would stop the car on the highway to put religious tracks on people's cars cuz she needed to "save" them. She has almost burned our house down due to making perpetually dumb decisions.
She doesn't take care of her personal hygiene nor the houses but thinks it's fine. It's a hoarders house. I grew up with bedbugs and stinky clothes and it was inhumane.
She has an obsession with religion that is clearly influenced by her disorder. Think the mother from "Carrie". This causes her to be homophobic to me even though she is open minded in all other respects, but it's "against the religion" so she just blindly follows it.
As a kid, I got made fun of by other kids when my mom would show up to school unprompted, and everyone would notice her eccentric and bizarre behaviors. My mom is one of those people you can tell something is "off" about her just from seeing her. She doesn't express her emotions normally. She talks in weird voices and metaphors and little kids will bully you if you have a mom like that.
It's not her fault, and she isn't a perfect person even outside of her disorder, but dang, it sounds harsh to say but I wish she was not this way. She lost partial custody of me as a kid because she was deemed mentally unwell for parenting. I wish she lost full custody of me. My childhood was horrible because I was physically neglected, and that's because my mom couldn't even take care of herself.
I've never met someone else with this type of mother, it's a really specific diagnosis. I can't be mad at her even though I want to be because she's not well. but I'm still mad, and I don't know what to do with these feelings.
I got a text from her today, and like always, it's just a bunch of rambling and incomprehensible nonsense and I can't help but get angry. I want a normal mother and I especially wanted one growing up. But feeling that way makes me feel terrible at the same time.
Anytime I felt sad or down, apparently I'm not allowed to be because I'm a guy and guys can't be sad or down. They still say this everytime, isn't it fun having to navigate eggshells in your own home, your own safespace? They should always be happy and never anything else. They screamed at me when I couldn't get my studies right at 2nd grade, my father told me I was dumb and would never get a future because of some exam results that didn't matter (they were not the final grades), and my mother yelled at me through the phone because I didn't know how to print her work documents.
"Oh but maybe they didn't know better." We had internet, we still do, they had smartphones, they could do a single Google search to know whether screaming at your child and denying their right to feel negative emotions was correct. They didn't.
And my parents still force me to go to Church every Sunday while they continue to never apologize or acknowledge their actions. God bless religion giving a shield to abusers to make them look and feel moral.
I was in unbearable agony after half a minute & barely managed to make them wipe it all off after 3 minutes, when my whole back was already filled with red and white bumps
For curious souls: it was a test using fresh fruit juice after another one using the allergen samples they already had that showed nothing
I'd like to clarify I don't mean to shit on female-only housing, I understand when it comes to roommate situations. But I often see private landlords renting out a studio/one bed that's meant to be occupied by a single tenant, yet still listed as female only and that kinda gets on my nerves.
Also no longer a student so don't qualify for student housing. But I do wonder when I see a "student only" listing that's like 1500,-/month. Where do they think they're gonna find students with that kinda money that wouldn't just pick a better housing option.
"We have always accepted you as you were" WELL NEWSFLASH THE WHOLE FUCKING REST OF THE WORLD DIDN'T (and you neither btw)
The guy on the far left. Makoto from Free. The swimming anime.
16 year old me thought my parents would be supportive and pay for my transition but somehow being a weeb at 12 made me trans and also that somehow invalidates my gender. Now I'm a 23 year old pre-T chud tired of explaining to clueless parents how it's possible to be trans and date a guy or do [insert mildly feminine thing]. A toddler probably has better understanding of gender than both of my parents combined. I gave up years ago but the dysphoria can only hide itself for so long.
I have to finish college, wait until summer
I have to finish college, wait until summer
I must finish college, wait until summer
I must finish college, wait until summer
I get it, the suffering reminds him it's real, he wants to stay in this rut because when he's happy he feels like he made up all that crap to get attention. He didn't. There are ups and downs.
But god when he's down and I do everything to help and he does mental gymnastics and bends over backwards to find a way to make it so that it made him worse I lose my damn mind!
"I don't want to feel better", cool, so lets examine my options...
I can say "I don't want to watch this", to which SH will be attempted, or "everyone leaves me" will be said, or he'll post vague things online
I stay and try to provide comfort by being there, which will result in "You should just break up with me" "I don't deserve you" and he'll accept no reassurance
I will say AGAIN that he needs professional help to which he will get angry at or promise me he will but not follow through
I went through this too, there has to be effort to fix it!
I woke up in such a good mood and now it's all been sucked out of me because I'm in a Catch-22 all the damn time
Yesterday was my first time on a full pill of focalin (had been taking half pills for a week prior to that) and it was really nice I think, was out of the house for a lot longer than I typically was doing things like going to a gun range and cat cafe, and I really enjoyed myself. However, I was told that focalin is one of those meds that can be habit forming, and I was telling a friend about this last night. Well besides saying the text in the meme, they also said something along the lines of “getting out of the house and petting cats sounds like a great habit to have, can you imagine if meth and coke and heroin did that.” So I don’t know, still gonna try and be cautious but sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever know life outside of meds.
I love my country but I don't wanna be told I'm "smelly and eat cow shit" so I gotta tell everyone I'm Chinese or Tibetan, not Nepali. The hate towards India is so awful in my workplace, everyday it's like I gotta pretend to be someone else.
A friend of mine invited me to her birthday dinner last month and I said yes. We don’t really hang out much since we’re both really busy with life stuff, but we get along great and I attended last year and had a nice time. I agreed to it and didn’t think much of it for a while.
This month, I found out that my family is throwing a party for my maternal grandmother’s birthday. She’s very old and has dementia, so I of course want to be there and spend as much time as I can with her.
Here’s the conflict. My immediate family didn’t have contact with my mom’s family for years due to some personal stuff. We re-established contact this year and have trying to make up for lost time, especially because of how old my grandmother is now. Because of this, I didn’t really know when her birthday was, just that it was sometime in April. When I got the party message, I got the dates confused and thought the family party would be NEXT weekend, not THIS weekend. Cut to me earlier today finally realizing that I accidentally double booked.
I messaged my friend explaining the situation, apologizing, and offering to meet another time. She hasn’t responded, but that’s honestly par for the course (we’re both bad at responding to texts in a timely manner because of life stuff) and she’s super sweet and I know she’ll understand but I can’t get rid of that sinking feeling in my gut that she’s gonna hate me.
TLDR: Anxiety disorder is making me believe my friend will hate me for going to my grandmother’s birthday party and canceling plans because I can’t read calendars right