u/PunkinJuice

Ive had psychotic symptoms for a while, but I always thought it was triggered by extreme stress and that the things I thought and experienced were normal in anxiety.

I got hospitalized over half a year ago and got put on an antipsychotic. Just starting to realize how some of my "just anxiety thoughts" and experiences werent merely only anxiety...

But I wouldve never guessed it was schizophrenia, and in a way I still doubt it despite my psychiatrist saying I do have it. It feels so overblown yet I know its probably true. Its just so hard to accept that my reality and emotions connected to it might not be real and I wont know when it happens..

I spoke to my mother and she confirmed that our family has a history of psychoses as well.. Im so scared this will get worse, if this will affect my future occupations even more. I cant tell people about this because Im scared they will think Im a crazy murdurer because of the stigma.. How do I even tell my mother? she knows I have gotten psychosis but not the schizophrenia diagnoses.. I used to be so bright as a kid but now I only feel like a failure, like Im failing her.

Today I was talking to my mother about a pair of shoes I threw away, or that I thought I threw until I saw them standing in the middle of my kitchen floor. I didnt register this for some reason until a few hours later when I was like "wait a minute, I didnt throw them!" and checked again but didnt find them.

I am still unsure if I actually threw the shoes away now, because I definetly saw them. I am also unsure if this even happened in real life now. Maybe it was just a dream that merged with my waking life, but when did I wake up then?

I dont have any other pairs that look the same so I couldnt have confused shoes, and why would they stand in the middle of the kitchen floor?

Idk its a lot of random things I forget, like important dates, my own adress, sometimes I forget what I want to say in the middle of speaking and I have to go back or rephrase myself over and over, or give up. I cant do basic math in my head without getting the numbers confused.

I genueinly think my brain has shrunk the last few years. Before I used to get all As in school, Used to memorize pages of written assignment with numerical facts and talk about it, and could work part time at a resturant kitchen and memorize all the different dishes and tasks. Now that feels impossible partly because of the memory issues..

Brain Cooking

DAE have memory problems?