u/Practical-Kitchen759

I’m writing because I feel extremely overwhelmed and I need outside perspective.
I’m 26F and my ex is 25M. We were in a very intense on-and-off relationship that started when I was 18. He was my first love, and over the years we kept breaking up and getting back together repeatedly, even while both of us had other relationships in between. The emotional bond has always been extremely strong, but also very unstable and destructive.
For the past year we lived together in my home. During this time the relationship became increasingly toxic and emotionally damaging.
There was a constant cycle: when we were apart he would often come back very affectionate, saying he loved me and trying to rebuild the relationship. But once we were together again, he would become cold, dismissive, and often verbally cruel.
He insulted me almost daily — calling me a failure, saying I do nothing with my life, and repeatedly using my past trauma, my mental health history, and my personal struggles against me. At times he would also deny things he had said or done and tell me I was “crazy” or imagining things.
At the same time, he would alternate between extreme devaluation and idealization. He would say I was fake, that I never loved him, and then shortly after tell me I was the most beautiful woman in the world and that he couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. This constant shift deeply destabilized me.
He also frequently accused me of cheating or seeking attention from other men, while also behaving in ways that made me uncomfortable with other women. He often invalidated my feelings, interrupted me when I tried to speak, and dismissed everything I said.
The situation has also included physical aggression on both sides, though I want to be honest that I have hit him more than once in moments of extreme escalation, which I deeply regret. He has been physically aggressive with me a few times, but less frequently than I have been with him.
There have also been very serious incidents: one night while heavily drunk he broke my car and screamed extremely offensive insults at me in front of his mother, to the point where the police were involved.
Today the breakup happened. After another escalation of arguments and insults, he left and said he would never contact me again. Before leaving, he once again insulted me, used my personal vulnerabilities against me, and told me that everyone in my life thinks badly of me and that I am the problem.
Right now he is gone, and I feel completely destroyed emotionally. Even though the relationship was extremely toxic and unstable, I feel intense attachment and withdrawal. I miss him deeply and feel completely lost and emotionally dependent.
I also have a history of depression and past suicidal attempts, and I feel like I am slipping back into a very dark place.
I feel like i love and Miss him deeply
I guess my questions are:

Is it normal to miss someone who treated me this way?
Can a dynamic like this ever become healthy, or is it inherently toxic?
How do you start detaching when you feel completely isolated and emotionally dependent?
WHAT SHOULD I DO?

On New Year’s Eve, she cried and insisted that I open up more about my pain. I’ve struggled with depression for years—sometimes I’m okay, sometimes I’m really not—and she had previously told me it was too much for her, so I had stopped sharing every time I felt bad.
But since she insisted, in the following weeks I opened up to her about how much I was struggling, especially with a toxic relationship I was in. She then told me it was too much and that she needed a break. I respected that and gave her space.
About a month later, we met and talked. She said it was too much for her, that she felt pushed aside and like I only saw her as someone to vent to. I told her I was sorry she felt that way, but that I only wanted to open up to her and didn’t realize it came across like that.
She makes music, and I’ve supported her a lot—I made merch for her albums and even created 4 music videos for her, all for free, because I believe in her. After her fifth concert, I asked if I could bring my small handmade crafts stand, and she said “no, I don’t feel like it,” without explaining why. That hurt me, because I thought we supported each other and worked in synergy. I never felt like my small stand would overshadow her concert.
I’ve always been there for her—at every concert, singing every word, supporting her, telling her how proud I am. When she started doing yoga years ago, I encouraged her from the beginning and told her she could become a teacher—and now she is one.
Lately she’s been saying her philosophy is about non-attachment, and maybe that’s part of this.
After our discussion, I gave her space for months because I thought she needed it. We share the same friend group (I’ve known them for about 14 years), so we’ve seen each other, but she’s been distant and barely acknowledged me.
Yesterday I finally texted her, saying that since she hadn’t made a move to talk after 4 months, maybe we should just clear things up—if she even wanted to. She replied that she has no problem with me, but doesn’t want to be friends anymore.
I was shocked. I told her it felt cruel. She said she has nothing else to add, maybe she’ll change her mind one day, but for now she’s fine with this.
I told her ending years of friendship like this feels heartless.
We used to spend every New Year’s Eve together, just the two of us, at my mountain house. We talked almost every day for 7 years. To me, she was like a sister, and I loved her deeply.
Now I’m scared of losing more than just her. My only other close friend is also her best friend, and we often hung out as a trio. Many people in our group are also in her band. I’m afraid I’ll end up isolated.
I don’t even know how I’ll handle seeing her when I’m out with the group.
I’m completely heartbroken. I never thought this would happen. I believed we would always be friends, even if life took us in different directions sometimes.
I don’t know what to do. I’d really appreciate any advice or perspective.

I am writing to ask for insight regarding a long, emotionally destabilizing relationship that has deeply affected my mental and emotional wellbeing. I am 26 years old; my former partner is 25. This relationship began when I was 18. He was my first love. Over the years, we have repeatedly broken up and reunited, often after long separations. During those years, we both had other relationships, yet we consistently returned to each other. The bond has always been intense, cyclical, and extremely difficult to break.
For the last year, he has been living in my home. I agreed to this cohabitation hoping to finally repair the relationship and create stability. I invested emotionally, practically, and affectively. Despite this, his behavior remained inconsistent, emotionally volatile, and often hurtful.
Over the years, I have noticed a recurring cycle: when we are apart, he actively tries to win me back, often intensely and persistently; once we reconnect or he feels secure in having me again, he becomes emotionally distant, cold, dismissive, verbally cruel, or hostile; after another rupture, the cycle starts again. This has repeated many times.
During our cohabitation, I consistently showed affection and care. I cooked for him, made breakfast, offered closeness and physical affection, shared daily life, watched films with him, and tried to create a warm and safe environment. Despite this, he repeatedly stated that I had never given him affection or tenderness. This denial of reality has caused me enormous confusion and pain.
On one occasion, while I was away visiting relatives and he was alone in my house, he began messaging other women. When confronted, he justified it by saying he felt lonely. The messages were not explicitly sexual, but clearly showed a need for validation, reassurance, and attention from other women while still being in a relationship with me and living in my home.
He frequently alternates between devaluation and idealization. He has told me that I never truly loved him, never gave him anything emotionally, and that our relationship was fake. At other times, he says I am the most beautiful girl in the world, that he has never met anyone like me, and that he cannot imagine himself with anyone else. This contradiction has been constant.
There are also issues around sexuality and insecurity. I genuinely find him attractive, sexy, and charismatic, but when I express this he becomes angry and accuses me of lying. He often says he is ugly, that I do not enjoy sex with him, that he cannot satisfy me, and that he is inadequate physically. My reassurance never seems to change these beliefs.
He is frequently jealous and accuses me of wanting male attention, cheating, or manipulating men. He says “everyone says this about me,” which I know is untrue. He seems deeply uncomfortable with the fact that other people may find me attractive, oscillating between admiration and resentment. At the same time, he has sought attention from other women himself and has flirted openly in front of me, later minimizing it.
He insults me almost daily. He tells me I do nothing, that I am a failure, fake, disgusting, worthless, and that everything wrong in my life is my fault. He weaponizes my past trauma, my mental health struggles, and the difficult life I have had against me. He says everything I do is pathetic or terrible, then later denies meaning it or says he never thought that.
One night, while drunk, he broke my car and screamed “whore” and “slut” at me repeatedly — hundreds of times — in the middle of the night, in front of his mother. The police were called.
He often leaves me or says the relationship is over, then returns promising to change, apologizing, and saying he loves me. The promised change never lasts.
Living together has also been exhausting. When I ask him to clean or do his share in the house, I have to repeat myself many times before anything happens. When I become frustrated, he says I am crazy.
He constantly interrupts me whenever I try to explain my point of view. I often feel I am not allowed to speak, express pain, or communicate my feelings. If I tell him I am unwell or emotionally hurt, he may apologize, but often repeats the same behavior minutes later.
Recently, after a painful phase, I decided not to see him for one full week — something I had never done before. During that week, he wrote to me gently, apologized, said he loved me, and asked to see me when I felt ready.
When we met again, I was emotionally vulnerable and seeking comfort, but he was cold, hostile, and emotionally unavailable. After three days of no contact, he called me again. We met, had sex, and he told me he loved me. The following day there were renewed arguments and verbal cruelty.
That same evening, I wanted to attend a party with many mutual friends and wanted to go with him. He initially refused, drank several beers, insulted me, and called me names. I said I would take him home and go alone. Once in the car, he suddenly decided to come with me.
At the party, someone asked him if we were together, and he replied “no,” despite everyone knowing our history. Throughout the evening he ignored me. Later, he disappeared. I discovered he was walking home intoxicated and unstable, so I picked him up and took him home safely. He got out of the car without a word and left. I then returned to the party.
The following day, he told me I should not have gone to the party. When I expressed wanting to be with him and spend the night together, he refused and declared the relationship over. He has declared it “over” many times in the past, only to come back later.
Update now: today things escalated further. He heavily insulted me every day for the past weeks, calling me a failure, disgusting , uneducated, cheater, fake, that everything I am and i do is fake, stupid, a traitor, and many other degrading things. I asked him so many Times to stop saying stuff so mean, but he continuied between a Kiss and a guy during all the past days . Tonight I lost control and hit him, causing his nose to bleed. I feel deeply ashamed and guilty for what I did. This is not the first time I have reacted physically, although physical aggression from him has been rarer. During arguments, he sometimes pretends to hit me or makes boxing movements to provoke or intimidate me.
I want to acknowledge my own responsibility in this dynamic. I have not always been calm or regulated. I have been reactive, angry, intense, and at times aggressive. I know I can also be difficult in relationships and that I have participated in toxic dynamics. I do not see myself as blameless.
At the same time, I recognize that this relationship amplifies my worst reactions and leaves me emotionally dysregulated. Despite everything, I love him deeply and feel extremely attached. The idea of losing him feels unbearable, even while recognizing how harmful this has become.
This relationship has left me emotionally exhausted, confused, depressed, and destabilized. I struggle to trust my own perceptions and often feel the need to defend my reality. I have a previous history of depression, suicide attempts, and hospitalization. I had made progress, but now I feel everything is collapsing again.
I am considering leaving the country and undertaking a six-week spiritual retreat without phone contact in order to detach, regulate myself, and gain clarity.
My questions:
• Is he likely to return again based on this long-term pattern?
• What psychological dynamics might explain his behavior and our bond?
• Can either of us realistically change while staying in this relationship?
• Am I becoming abusive too?
• Was this ever love, or mainly trauma and unhealthy attachment?
• How can I move forward in a healthier way?
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would deeply appreciate any guidance.

I am writing to ask for insight regarding a long, emotionally destabilizing relationship that has deeply affected my mental and emotional wellbeing. I am 26 years old; my former partner is 25. This relationship began when I was 18. He was my first love. Over the years, we have repeatedly broken up and reunited, often after long separations. During those years, we both had other relationships, yet we consistently returned to each other. The bond has always been intense, cyclical, and extremely difficult to break.
For the last year, he has been living in my home. I agreed to this cohabitation hoping to finally repair the relationship and create stability. I invested emotionally, practically, and affectively. Despite this, his behavior remained inconsistent, emotionally volatile, and often hurtful.
Over the years, I have noticed a recurring cycle: when we are apart, he actively tries to win me back, often intensely and persistently; once we reconnect or he feels secure in having me again, he becomes emotionally distant, cold, dismissive, verbally cruel, or hostile; after another rupture, the cycle starts again. This has repeated many times.
During our cohabitation, I consistently showed affection and care. I cooked for him, made breakfast, offered closeness and physical affection, shared daily life, watched films with him, and tried to create a warm and safe environment. Despite this, he repeatedly stated that I had never given him affection or tenderness. This denial of reality has caused me enormous confusion and pain.
On one occasion, while I was away visiting relatives and he was alone in my house, he began messaging other women. When confronted, he justified it by saying he felt lonely. The messages were not explicitly sexual, but clearly showed a need for validation, reassurance, and attention from other women while still being in a relationship with me and living in my home.
He frequently alternates between devaluation and idealization. He has told me that I never truly loved him, never gave him anything emotionally, and that our relationship was fake. At other times, he says I am the most beautiful girl in the world, that he has never met anyone like me, and that he cannot imagine himself with anyone else. This contradiction has been constant.
There are also issues around sexuality and insecurity. I genuinely find him attractive, sexy, and charismatic, but when I express this he becomes angry and accuses me of lying. He often says he is ugly, that I do not enjoy sex with him, that he cannot satisfy me, and that he is inadequate physically. My reassurance never seems to change these beliefs.
He is frequently jealous and accuses me of wanting male attention, cheating, or manipulating men. He says “everyone says this about me,” which I know is untrue. He seems deeply uncomfortable with the fact that other people may find me attractive, oscillating between admiration and resentment. At the same time, he has sought attention from other women himself and has flirted openly in front of me, later minimizing it.
He insults me almost daily. He tells me I do nothing, that I am a failure, fake, disgusting, worthless, and that everything wrong in my life is my fault. He weaponizes my past trauma, my mental health struggles, and the difficult life I have had against me. He says everything I do is pathetic or terrible, then later denies meaning it or says he never thought that.
One night, while drunk, he broke my car and screamed “whore” and “slut” at me repeatedly — hundreds of times — in the middle of the night, in front of his mother. The police were called.
He often leaves me or says the relationship is over, then returns promising to change, apologizing, and saying he loves me. The promised change never lasts.
Living together has also been exhausting. When I ask him to clean or do his share in the house, I have to repeat myself many times before anything happens. When I become frustrated, he says I am crazy.
He constantly interrupts me whenever I try to explain my point of view. I often feel I am not allowed to speak, express pain, or communicate my feelings. If I tell him I am unwell or emotionally hurt, he may apologize, but often repeats the same behavior minutes later.
Recently, after a painful phase, I decided not to see him for one full week — something I had never done before. During that week, he wrote to me gently, apologized, said he loved me, and asked to see me when I felt ready.
When we met again, I was emotionally vulnerable and seeking comfort, but he was cold, hostile, and emotionally unavailable. After three days of no contact, he called me again. We met, had sex, and he told me he loved me. The following day there were renewed arguments and verbal cruelty.
That same evening, I wanted to attend a party with many mutual friends and wanted to go with him. He initially refused, drank several beers, insulted me, and called me names. I said I would take him home and go alone. Once in the car, he suddenly decided to come with me.
At the party, someone asked him if we were together, and he replied “no,” despite everyone knowing our history. Throughout the evening he ignored me. Later, he disappeared. I discovered he was walking home intoxicated and unstable, so I picked him up and took him home safely. He got out of the car without a word and left. I then returned to the party.
The following day, he told me I should not have gone to the party. When I expressed wanting to be with him and spend the night together, he refused and declared the relationship over. He has declared it “over” many times in the past, only to come back later.
Update now: today things escalated further. He heavily insulted me every day for the past weeks, calling me a failure, disgusting , uneducated, cheater, fake, that everything I am and i do is fake, stupid, a traitor, and many other degrading things. I asked him so many Times to stop saying stuff so mean, but he continuied between a Kiss and a guy during all the past days . Tonight I lost control and hit him, causing his nose to bleed. I feel deeply ashamed and guilty for what I did. This is not the first time I have reacted physically, although physical aggression from him has been rarer. During arguments, he sometimes pretends to hit me or makes boxing movements to provoke or intimidate me.
I want to acknowledge my own responsibility in this dynamic. I have not always been calm or regulated. I have been reactive, angry, intense, and at times aggressive. I know I can also be difficult in relationships and that I have participated in toxic dynamics. I do not see myself as blameless.
At the same time, I recognize that this relationship amplifies my worst reactions and leaves me emotionally dysregulated. Despite everything, I love him deeply and feel extremely attached. The idea of losing him feels unbearable, even while recognizing how harmful this has become.
This relationship has left me emotionally exhausted, confused, depressed, and destabilized. I struggle to trust my own perceptions and often feel the need to defend my reality. I have a previous history of depression, suicide attempts, and hospitalization. I had made progress, but now I feel everything is collapsing again.
I am considering leaving the country and undertaking a six-week spiritual retreat without phone contact in order to detach, regulate myself, and gain clarity.
My questions:
• Is he likely to return again based on this long-term pattern?
• What psychological dynamics might explain his behavior and our bond?
• Can either of us realistically change while staying in this relationship?
• Am I becoming abusive too?
• Was this ever love, or mainly trauma and unhealthy attachment?
• How can I move forward in a healthier way?
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would deeply appreciate any guidance.