r/Surrogate

We are IPs from California and have been on the journey looking for GCs since last December. We recently came across a nice experienced surrogate from Texas who enjoyed meeting with us on the match meeting hosted by the surrogate’s agency named “Everbloom Fertility Solutions”. After the match meeting, the agency reached out to us and happily informed us that the surrogate wants to help us.

We were so happy and grateful until we saw the cost estimate presented by the agency. The surrogate is only getting a total compensation package of $87,000 (base, bonus plus all the allowances etc.), however the agency wants $60,000 agency fee, $8000 pregnancy management fee, $2000 for background check and almost $2000 for managing the escrow account. Essentially the agency wants over $68,000 just for agency fee alone, which drives the total estimate goes up to $190,000. On top of this, we still need to pay additional to cover IP’s own attorney fee.

Since the agency fee is much higher than all the other American agencies we spoke with (usually $35,000-50,000), we were hopeful that the agency could just drop the price a little bit as a sympathy since we have reached our budget limit after already spending over $100,000 for IVF and $15,000 retainer fee with another agency.

We underestimated how cold hearted the agency lady was. She wouldn’t offer any discount and showed zero sympathy or interest in helping us. She simply wants the highest bidder instead of finding the perfect match for surrogates and IPs. Honestly, we could meet her budget if we try to squeeze our finance, use credit cards or taking a loan, but all what we were looking for is a signal that this is a genuine and caring agency. If she offered $5000 discount, we would have been convinced and get onto a happy journey with this agency. But it did not happen.

The lady at this agency who we spoke with is the owner who is Chinese. It seems that this agency has been focusing on rich clients from China since the surrogate indicates she wants to be matched with a family in the US this time. It is just insane that we hardworking, tax-paying American families get outbid by rich Chinese clients that this agency presents to kind American surrogates.

We are very disappointed about our interaction with this agency. Ironically, this happened on the Mother’s Day when we thought we finally found our surrogate match. We really like the surrogate who wants to match with us. If she was with an agency asking for reasonable agency fee, we would be happily matched with her already. In fact, we would prefer to pay the surrogate lady more instead of the ridiculously high agency fee that this Chinese agency asked for.

We are really grateful for all the surrogate angels here. We decided to share our experience with this Chinese agency because it is heartbreaking and insane that some greedy Chinese middleman stands in between American IPs and GCs to make money and not care about finding both parties the best match.

I'm going through my options and currently doing IUI for myself at 30. I already feel deeply angry and very unhappy at becoming a parent in my 30s, being raised by older parents myself but it is what it is, I've gone to a professional, and we've decided it's better now than later to try for a biological child for me. I didn't freeze my eggs for that reason and my health testing thankfully came through really well to start to try and my doctors are really supportive of the plan.

IUI is kind of a step before IVF, which I'm sure everyone here knows does have reasonable failure rates- neither are a guarantee of a baby, and I feel mentally prepared for that. Science and biology is out of our hands after all.

At my age, I do have a LOT more options than I would even five years from now, and so I have considered beginning to save for possible surrogacy now, if not for my first child- then for a sibling as I know I don't want just one child and also know that a second biological child might not be possible.

So, I wanted to ask, what do you all think of older RPs? Would you ever not want to take on a surrogacy because the parents were older, even if we used a double donor embryo or younger eggs/sperm and that wasn't a factor? At what age would you consider to be too old and not want to participate in it?

I think I could have the savings and 50% extra of the amount I'm thinking to save, by 38 or 40 if I just redirect my personal savings, and maybe earlier if I locked in- by that point, I'd be looking into embryo adoption or using a double donor- would those ages be a strict turn off for anyone in here?

I'm just asking questions right now and not looking to make any kind of commitment, just gathering more information to make a decision, thanks!

Hi everyone!

I’m in the process of becoming a first time surrogate and wanted to get everyone’s feedback on what kind of social implications it implies? I absolutely love the idea of being a surrogate and my husband is 100% on board; I’m just having a hard time with the idea of telling everyone and what they’ll think of me afterwards. I feel like there’s a lot of stigma. Please let me know what your experience has been like and how you told everyone in your circle (especially the people you thought would have a hard time accepting it).

Thank you in advance!!

Hello! I'm an IP that is looking/will be looking for a GC. I had one reach out to me but wants to know if they can have close contact after birth. I asked what that would look like and they want more than just pictures of the child. ​Is this a common thing?

ILGA Europe have not included surrogacy in its annual reports but have included artificial insemination.

That is, biological parenthood doesn't matter for gays, but it does for lesbians.

Surrogacy must be addressed as an LGBTQ issue. And opposition to surrogacy is a form of homophobia. Lack of this is one of the main reasons why things are so bad with surrogacy in Europe. It is highly unlikely that they are unaware that today surrogacy is perhaps the only way to build families. As gay couples across Europe report that adoptions have become extremely difficult, if not impossible.

Why such disregard for us? Why on Earth is Spain dark green? For torturing gay families?

Gay men have completely lost their identity. And bi men are never taken seriously at all in the mainstream LGBTQ organizations. It is we who must determine our rights and not allow others to impose them on us.

Plus, servility to anyone who calls themselves a feminist, even if they cause a colossal damage. That's why ILGA Europe is afraid to include surrogacy as it could cost them politically, but isn't afraid of losing G and B(m) at all. Or simply don't want to do it in spite of the obvious demand for it. and instead of protesting, gays write on forums "They made surrogacy more difficult. I cried all night." And also upvote biased reports like that. Or repost it. Of course, it's about LGBTQ people.

Why is there such disregard for our most important issues in these LGBTQ organizations. Gay couples can't create families. What could be more important? Could this be changed? Or is everyone content with this grim situation?!

My husband and I want to start a family and he really wants us to have biological children, where we each have a son with our dna. We recently had a consult with a company and were told a cost that was over 4 times the value of my house and I am just feeling really overwhelmed and discouraged right now. Because I don't see how on my paramedic salary we are ever going to be able to afford $230k plus another $174k for a sibling. I just felt like my concerns were dismissed by the rep too.

I was a gestational surrogate with a successful delivery in 2024. I recently decided that I wanted to pursue a second journey while I’m on the right side of 40. During my first journey I went to therapy thinking it was a smart, protective measure. I started seeing the therapist in the third trimester and thru the 4th. Unbeknownst to me she diagnosed me with a couple conditions, borderline personality disorder and social pragmatic communication disorder. This was brought to light when the new agency I wanted to work with did their medical record review.

I’m so frustrated. Mental health diagnoses like that are kryptonite for surrogacy candidates I guess. I’m really not sure what my next step should be, should I just give up this dream of helping someone grow their family?

Everyone we are working with insurance right now, and it looks like my sisters insurance will work as long as no compensation was involved.

The art risk document was a little intense too. I talked about select health being able to investigate to ensure no compensation was involved.

I'm a little worried because I do plan on taking my sister on a trip or something when this is all over. My wife has talked about finishing their basement for them eventually when we have more money.

My question is if that considered compensation?

Also has anyone had the insurance investigate them? What does that mean, like look at my bank accounts or come to my house?

And

im a single (intended) dad, using celagem clinic services (Colombia)

after a rather fast procedure - my embryos did not survive implementation, so i am yet again at the beginning of the quest - picking a donor and so on.

the situation with celagem is far (far far) from being good (or decent) they availability of donors is 0. the catalog they provide is no more than a book of young and potentially fertile women - non of them are available in any reasonable time frame for donation. waiting time is 7 months at least, if one is lucky and the doner is still up for the procedure so far in the future.

it seems the clinic does little to no effort to solve this situation, and they rely on you being a captive customer at that point.

i know from a few friends that are now dads and moms that 3-4 years ago things were far better - excellent availability, great donor selection and fast procedure. They also used a different, more attractive catalog – both in numbers of donors and their(subjective) attractiveness.

i would not recommend anyone to use their services, if i would have known how fast and deeply it deteriorate

 i would stay away.

Open for questions!

potential canadian surrogate looking for private, traditional arrangment. first kid.

I don’t want to be overbearing or have unrealistic expectations, but I’m curious what’s “normal” communication wise between IPs and surrogates at this stage? Did your relationship naturally grow over time or was it more minimal throughout? I’m a bit frustrated that I don’t hear from my surrogate unless I reach out to her. It’s my first time going through the surrogacy process with my husband, so we’re really unsure what to expect. Any tips are welcome!

What are some thoughts or question you had for your IPs going into a match meeting? I don’t want this to feel like an interview but I do want to make sure I ask all the questions to make sure me and my potential IPs are for sure a match!

As a 2x surrogate, I’ve learned there are certain questions that live rent-free in everyone’s head once they find out what I do 😂

So here’s today’s episode, and maybe a reason to giggle today:

Q: “Omg how do you give the baby away??”
A: I don’t “give a baby away”… I help someone become a parent. Very different vibe, I promise.

Q: “Don’t you get attached?”
A: I get attached the same way an auntie or babysitter gets attached… I care, I protect, but I know from day one this baby isn’t mine.

Q: “I could NEVER do that.”
A: And that’s okay! Good thing not everyone has to 😄

Q: “Is it your egg?”
A: Nope. I’m basically the world’s most committed Airbnb or babysitter (joking! It’s a big responsibility I take very seriously 🥰)

Q: “Is your husband okay with that??”
A: Yes… he’s aware. I didn’t mysteriously decide to have someone else’s baby without mentioning it first 😂

Q: “So like… you’re just pregnant for strangers?”
A: Not strangers for long. These are some of the most meaningful relationships I’ve ever had.

And then there are the sweet ones that actually make me pause for a second 🥹

Q: “What made you want to do something like this?”
A: Honestly? Seeing what it means to the parents… it’s hard to put into words.

Q: “Do you still get updates or see the babies?”
A: Yes, and it’s one of the best parts!! Watching them grow is so special!

Q: “What’s your favorite part of being a surrogate?”
A: That moment when the parents meet their baby… nothing compares.

Q: “Do your kids understand what you’re doing?”
A: They do, and it’s pretty amazing watching them learn empathy and what helping others looks like.

Q: “Would you do it again?”
A: Already planning on it! 😄

I swear there’s a secret handbook somewhere because the questions are always the same lol

Alright, your turn:
What’s the funniest, weirdest, or sweetest question you’ve gotten about surrogacy?

So I, IP, failed a mental health screening from my surrogacy agency. They said that I could not proceed with the surrogacy. Now they're sending me a termination of contract letter and won't contact me when I try to contact them. I feel really deceived. I didn't even realize you could fail the mental health screening so bad to get kicked out? I didn’t even realize I was being screened I just thought I was talking to someone. But there's been no contact since then and I assume I don't get my money back? I'm sure in the fine print this is all totally legal but something seems odd about this, like they wouldn't let me redeem myself by going to therapy or something. Also how many completely insane people have kids but I digress. Just wondering if anyone has been in this very specific scenario of failing the mental health screening and what I can do in this weird situation. I feel lost.

Hi everyone. I’m an IP who matched with a wonderful surrogate. We met over Zoom (we’re in different states) and I was so excited. She has been a surrogate before, and she and her husband are lovely people. We have been waiting for her medical record review to conclude before signing any agreement, and we have not yet paid any money to the agency.

Our clinic is notorious for being overly cautious and rejecting a lot of surrogate candidates. They just completed her medical review, and came back with 5 concerns. Some of these seem harmless to me, but I was surprised that I didn’t know about any of the issues. I think the biggest issue for me is that she didn’t disclose things upfront. Below is the list of concerns our clinic has:

1. Didn’t disclose that she had multiple DUI’s, including jail time, in her early twenties. These things happened more than 15 years ago. In isolation, I don’t care about this at all- people change, and we all do dumb things in our early twenties. But I thought it was a little odd that she didn’t mention it, knowing there’d be a background check.

2. For her last surrogacy pregnancy, during medical review, when she went in for bloodwork, she tested positive for alcohol on her tox screen. Our clinic said they had never seen this before. While there is no rule that you can’t drink during medical review, they were concerned about her judgement in deciding to consume alcohol 12-24 hours before the tox screen, when you want to come across as a really good surrogacy candidate.

3. There are inconsistencies in how often she has reported drinking alcohol. In her profile she said “rarely”, in one medical record she said 3 days a week, and in another place she said 5 days a week. Again, in isolation I wouldn’t be concerned, but this is the third thing related to alcohol at this point.

4. A few years ago, she took an anti-anxiety medication, but didn’t disclose any mental health issues. I myself am on an anti-anxiety medication, and would never judge someone for it (and what she was on is pregnancy safe) but my clinic was concerned that we don’t know why she began taking it, and why she stopped.

5. In her screening, she reported that she didn't have a good experience with her first IP’s. She mentioned disappointment that they weren't as close as they started out as (she did mention this on our zoom call), and indicated there was behavior from the IP's that weren't aligned with her values. As a result, she said she was looking for the relationship with her next IP's to be mutually respectful and not overbearing. I’m curious about this- wondering what the IP behavior was that felt overbearing, why they became more distant, and what actions the IP’s took that weren’t aligned with her values.

To me, none of these things are disqualifying- we just need more information and context. Our clinic seems much more concerned, particularly about alcohol use.

I’d love to get people’s thoughts on how serious you find these concerns. Thanks for taking time to read all of this.

Bit nervous to post here but I’ve been lurking for a while and it seems like a very warm community.

Married couple, in our 40’s parents of two adult adopted children ( from foster care, when they were teens.) We truly didn’t think that bio kids were in our future, ( we were quite happy completing our family via adoption) but now that adopted children have moved into adult life and don’t have much contact with us, it feels like we are missing a part of life. We knew they had abuse / neglect / drug exposure in childhood that caused them to have attachment issues but we had hoped that many years of consistent love would over come it, but now that we only really hear from them once a year or so, we have accepted that we were just a safe harbor for a while.

We want to be honest with our GC, but are concerned that our situation will read “ they are bad parents and that’s why the kids don’t stay in contact.” We are concerned that this, couple with the fact that we are older, might turn GCs away from us.

so, opinions please, would this make you think twice about carrying for us ?

For me….

Both journeys it was watching the IPs with my children.

A specific memory was with my second set of IPs. We were at dinner, my IF is high profile, and he kept singing, joking, and laughing with my kiddos. He didn’t care who saw, who knew who he was, or how “silly” he was being. He was just there…in the moment…with my babies, they both were. I knew right then that I made an amazing choice.

So, what’s your moment?

Hi all,

So we were told today that our surrogacy’s insurance would not cover the pregnancy at all. Our surrogacy’s agent had intended to find us a surrogate with insurance, so it’s definitely a disappointing set back and a surprise for all.

Not sure what our best course of option. There is a suggestion from Art Risk that we take a supplemental insurance with New Life Surrogacy agency, which I’m not quite sure how that works. But it’s all very expensive…

Is this expected? Do most surrogates not have insurance? How does that all work?

Feeling a bit lost atm…and a little down