Month with Risperidone // Doesn't work anymore and I just hate everything
Month with Risperidone and I am back to where I started, only now it's kinda worse than usual. Hell of completely erratic thoughts and complete suicidal ideation continues as I continue suffering from severe executive dysfunction. Unlike the most I have a really unique problem that I never encountered in other people where I have a really good memory (things that were years ago still haunt me, however minor they are) and seem to have hyperphantasia. That paired with my perfectionism has completely rendered me incapable of the only thing I ever enjoyed -- Art. Honestly Art has been the only thing that reasonably keeps me in this world and over the years I have billions of concepts that I would love to share with the world but every time I try to learn art I keep abandoning it due to how much it just doesn't match the image inside my head and it keeps hurting me. This image is so beautiful and I hate that I am the only one to see it, the way I can't draw anything in it in a way that I would enjoy has put me into a massive suicidal ideation paired with wishes for self harm. I don't act on them and it seems that I mentally locked myself out of ever doing self-harm to me but for some reason it now gave me suicidal imposter syndrome that keeps saying inside my head that I am not a real suicidal person how dare I never cut myself deeper than cutting through epidermis... Anyway back to Risperidone all it has done is make me care less about everything which I do think helped but at the same time made me actually give up on many things and just do whatever I want to, that being a person with massive executive dysfunction doing nothing but reading through Type-Moon Visual Novels and rereading my favorite - Tsukihime Remake while completely forgetting about my studies. Then after about two weeks I started to become largely melancholic about everything and doing nothing but weird walks where I narrate my thoughts like I am a fucking visual novel protagonist, a week after that came back anxiety, thoughts of hurting myself/somebody and frequent bouts of anger followed up by me being an attention whore to my friends when they are really incapable of helping me at all.
After reading the said favorite vn to the end, this my reaction to completing it:
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1329265990240043112/1503812312954310698/image.png?ex=6a04b5da&is=6a03645a&hm=b26a464eec008910e123fbf4e281bc2ff20965e0b734ec05c567d823b3449ff0&
What followed after is me contemplating just how much I want to die peacefully remembering the only times in my life I ever been happy and how it was enjoying artworks in any form,
Current brainworm is how I am contemplating calling myself disabled since it just feels wrong to call myself that despite the hurt and inabilities mental issues been giving me .
I am sorry for my completely incoherent text structure but I really just don't care I am letting everything out of my heart out in the shape it is structured inside my brain. If you have even a speck of the same issues please respond to this post I want more people to talk to me really please ;(