u/canidkin

I feel like the way I look that gives people enough of a reason to attack me in some form or another. Whether that be through insults, sexual harassment or physical assault. I have had someone deny my SA because “I wasn’t attractive enough”, completely ignoring the fact that most abusers don’t care what you look like, that they’re only focused on their own self gratification. Anyone can be a victim but they refused to believe that. I’ve been told I “look schizophrenic, autistic, and the R slur” by multiple different people in my life. The one I got the most was looking schizophrenic and while they’re not wrong it still hurts to hear. I can understand what they meant by it because often times I’m disheveled due to a lack of motivation for self care but the other ones I still don’t understand to this day. There’s no “look” to autism or cognitive impairments. Maybe the one guy meant something else by the r slur but idk what the fuck that would be

But due to countless times being harassed over my appearance I’ve really grown to hate myself. I know I was never attractive but now I hate the way I look more than ever. It’s sometimes the only thing I can think about. It’s eating away at me and clawing its way into all aspects of my life. I feel like I’m undeserving of a partner, I refuse to go out, I’m terrified to get a job, I have trouble connecting with others, expressing my emotions, talking to people.

I feel like I’m so profoundly ugly that I don’t deserve to be happy or exist. I hate my fat arms, wide frame, double chin (with a bonus benign tumor on it yay), asymmetrical face, sparse eyebrows, flat chest, posture issues due to spinal deformities, and the birthmarks on my face. I’ve developed an eating disorder as a result of these feelings.

I wish I could be someone else. I hate looking in the mirror. People either look at me with disgust and repulsion or they intend to hurt me in some way to try to bring me down. I wish someone would look at me and see me for who I am as a person, rather than someone who doesn’t meet societal expectations of attractiveness. I’ll never know the feeling of being seen with adoration and love. I’ll only know the cold hateful gazes of the masses. Life doesn’t feel worth living

Im really struggling with these atm

I’m really struggling to concentrate. My memory is absolute dogshit. I seem to have forgotten a lot of my history, vocabulary, interests, and basic knowledge. I can’t focus on one topic anymore or think deeply like I used to. My thoughts are so scattered and all over the place. Half the time a thought enters my head and immediately vanishes and I’m unable to recall it. I’ve isolated myself for Malay a decade now and as a result I’ve really degraded. I don’t know how to communicate anymore. I’ve lost my emotions, expression and my ability to articulate myself in a straightforward way. I’ve rotted way too long and I’m unsure how to get myself out. I’m trying to keep myself occupied with mentally stimulating things but oftentimes it’s so fucking hard or I don’t have motivation. I’m rotting. Im inhuman. I feel so incredibly stupid. Does it even get better? I know I don’t socialize enough but I don’t even know if it’s worth it at this point. Who would want to talk to someone like me? I’m too stupid to keep a conversation going and interesting.

I literally feel like I’m mentally challenged at this point. Everything has become so incredibly hard that I constantly feel suicidal. I feel like I completely lost myself. My memories, sense of self, how to speak normally, my self esteem, and my security to exist in this world. It’s so hard to read and actually interpret what’s being said and it’s even harder to retain that knowledge long term. I’m constantly having to revise and relearn things when it never was an issue before. I wish I could go back to how I used to be. I feel utterly useless now. I’ve tried antipsychotics and they’ve only made these issues worse so I’m scared to go back on them but I need something to help with my disorganized thoughts and my cognitive symptoms. I hate my brain so fucking much why couldn’t I have been normal. I want an escape from all this so fucking badly

As in see yourself in a completely different place from where you are? Like for a few seconds you see yourself at your old school or in a heavily forested area or wherever else?