r/RedPillWomen

I’m 32F and my husband M42 is surgeon we have two kids (ages 7) together and have been married for 8 years. My days consist of Volunteering/supporting women & kids in need once a week, Going to the gym or yoga/Pilates classes everyday, Spa, beauty appointments, or wellness treatments, running errands (Target, Whole foods), going shopping, enjoying quiet alone time, reading , meditation, or just relaxing

AMA

What is the best RPW approach to dealing with the silent treatment after an argument? Say you have apologized for your part in the argument, but this is still the path your husband decides to go down.

I am on my second round of my husband using the silent treatment after an argument. He will talk briefly about logistics (i.e. ask me if he can start the dishwasher, etc.) but essentially only sleeps in bed next to me and spends the rest of the time in his office or out of the house. No talking, no affection, no time together. The first bout of this lasted for 4 days until I finally really pushed him to resolve it and also my grandmother died and I had to travel home so I think that broke the tension as he wanted to make up before I left and knew it was the right thing to do to console me. Now I'm on day 2 of this round, I apologized 15 min after the fight for my part. He did not apologize for his part. He told me he was going to "take distance" and that we should both just "do our own thing."

My gut instinct on RPW advice is, after apologizing, to give him the space and let him come back to you. Pursue your own life, focus on self care and doing things that bring you happiness, act unbothered, and let it play out.

But on the other side, I feel like it's a form of punishment to me and am now concerned this is becoming a pattern. It's hard to live like this and not knowing when or how it will end.

What has worked for you?

So this is my opinion. But if we’re here in the first place, we aren’t marrying a rich man.

Realistically, the best way to marry rich is to already belong in their circles.

But if we are in these type of subreddits looking for advice, we will probably not end up marrying a rich man.

We can find someone who makes more money than us and a provider. But realistically, what are the chances of us marrying a wealthy man when we’re not?

I’m pretty sure we won’t find millionaires between the users of this subreddit. And I’m pretty sure the wifes of millionaires won’t be here either.

I feel like a good dating strategy is to either work to improve your situation: getting a degree, a high paying job, etc. or to look around the men in your social circles and from there look for the “best” ones.

What do you think?

I’m in Laura Doyle’s program right now paying $295 a month but came across Marriage Helper for $99 a month.

Has anyone tried both and can tell me the difference? Or experience with which one is most effective?

Context: I’ve been with my husband for 7 years 1 year married. Our relationship has been on and off driven by me for religious differences. We got married in a shotgun wedding for immigration and because I was pregnant. He now says he regrets the marriage and wants to separate after I miscarried and we got into a really bad place relationally. No affairs on either side.

I understand his resentment over the years for me leaving and making him feel like he wasn’t enough. So I’m doing the heavy lifting now to try and restore our intimacy.

I'm a 33F SAHM and have 3 young kids with my 35M husband. We have a long history of what he'd call "resets" where I basically call out something he said or did or need reassurance or some kind of help which discredits/hurts his ego. We have a long drawn out debate where he basically picks apart every point I make and applies double standards to everything and it really just brings out a nasty, hornery side of him. He used to get so frustrated he would go plank in his bed and take days or weeks to get back to a full happy demeanor.

Atp I'm so over the constant debating. I think I'm not really warm towards him at all anymore because I have completely lost that glow of youthful optimism. Doesn't feel like we're in love, it feels like we function and support each other. We haven't shared a bedroom in 3 yrs since our son was born and I don't really miss it. I feel more tired and beaten down than I do adored. I do appreciate him a lot but mostly for his function, he provides, fixes things, listens to me yap, plays with the kids. I also have enough experience to know he is going to do what he wants and disregard my emotions if they get in the way, but he's not a cheater or into disrespect like name-calling. He's more of a stay out of my way or you become collateral damage type of driven person. Takes minimal accountability, doesn't say I love you, not very affectionate but very thoughtful. Very good at solving my problems as long as I don't have a problem with something he said or did.

Not really ideal to feel like I do but I admire his ambition. I feel like I can learn to work with it better instead of expecting him to be some loving romantic person. I think that's just not who he is and I have been trying to see him as someone he's not.

My question is, how do I help him become as successful as possible - basically staying out of his way? I aim to do "less" accommodating, trying to please him, or trying to prove my worth and value. I've always been more of a co-dpendent anxious type deriving my self-worth from being useful to others. Recently learned I may have ADHD. I realize that makes people walk all over my boundaries and not take me seriously. I am done. Also not interested in divorce. I am not raising these kids alone.

My husband uses the dread game so much. Not the flirting with other woman kind, but the negging, ignoring kind. I know i should just STFU and work on myself, but it's so hard when I feel so down all the time. His strategy is so counter productive. I will basically do ANYTHING he wants if he asks, but he wants me to just know what he wants without asking. If things aren't how he wants them he lays on the dread until I figure it out. It's so exhausting I don't have it in me to work on myself and I've gained a lot of weight over the last few years. I think if he spent more time lifting me up he would have exactly the wife he desires, but maybe he hates me. Sometimes I think he's trying to drive me crazy.

As a wife I am so incredibly grateful for a gift I have at my disposal to use simply by being a wife. It crystallised for me last night and I wanted to share with you ladies a perspective on a unique tool that we have that no one else does. Everyone says the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and while this may seem trivial the impact it has is really something.

My husband had the worst day at work yesterday. He was left feeling depleted, frustrated, and totally over it. I knew he was having a tough day, so I made a point of ensuring he had a truely delicious meal for dinner, and the impact it had on him was nothing short of miraculous. He was happy, appreciative and felt all the love, support and appreciation that was put into the meal. It literally turned his night around and the weight of the day melted away.

I say this is a unique gift as when someone is dealing with a mountain a problems that's getting them down, there's often very little an individual can do to directly help them. Words don't help and obviously you can't go and just take on the issues yourself and fix it all for them, but this is a very practical and simple act that does actually help and make a difference. It's like a unique superpower wives have to help make everything okay and create that soft place to land.

I can often feel powerless when my husband is inundated with problems to solve, but this alone does so much!

My partner (29M) and I (24F) are getting engaged this year.

I don’t want to be too upfront and spell everything out, because I know he takes pride in choosing it himself and sees it as a meaningful token of love. I completely respect and love that, but at the same time, I’d rather not end up with a ring that isn’t quite my style.

I feel the same about the proposal. I know I’ll be happy no matter what, but I do dream of something intimate and outdoors, with flowers and candles. I’m just not sure how to hint at that without taking away from the surprise.

For those who are engaged: what does your ring look like compared to what you originally imagined? Did you share your preferences, and if so, how specific were you? Do you love the final result?

And if you’re not engaged yet, how do you picture it ?

Thank you!

I have been married for two months, moved in after the wedding. I knew my mother in law was a problem before the wedding but I thought I would just be able to roll with it but two months in but I’m so overwhelmed.

She is emotionally and verbally abusive to my husband, and very controlling. She is always criticizing my husband to him and to me. She will say that he is going to be a bad father, he is lazy, he is fat, and directly attacks his character. My husband is the most kind, generous, and gentle man. Her criticisms are not rooted in reality. She spent the whole wedding complaining about her son to anyone who would listen.

My husband’s strategy has been to let it roll off his back and to avoid/lie about things that he knows will set her off. I understand why he does this as a form of self protection and I was ok with this. Now that we are married, it’s starting to affect how I see him. I am loosing respect and attraction when I watch her speak to him like this and him not stand up for himself. I am questioning his leadership. Strangely, his mom loves me, always says I am the daughter she never had, and her son doesn’t deserve me. My husband has always said that if his mother turns her behavior towards me he will step in, but for now it’s his relationship with her and he can choose how to let her treat him. Again, I agreed with this before the wedding, but I didn’t expect it start effecting our marriage.

I know my husband will take my concerns seriously and act upon them. My question to group is how can I bring this up to him in a respectful way? I do not want to criticize, or make this terrible situation for him about me. He is the real victim here. I do not want to tell him what to do. And I know that once I say I am losing respect and questioning his leadership, those are words I can never take back. Thank you all for your input.

I am 23F and the more I grow up , the more I realise how unsafe it is to be yourself , to trust others, to open up etc.. I feel like most people are selfish and opportunistic and deeply insecure and judgemental and have low emotional intelligence. For example, at work, you can never be yourself or try to make friends because it will backfire on you. Most people hide who they are and are untrustworthy of others and would be willing to backstab you for their own benefits. The only people that are reliable in my life is somewhat my family and my boyfriend. He is my best-friend and everything. But at uni for example, my classmates are so opportunistic and selfish and I hate being around them. And im scared for my future work it will be like that as well. I also lost hope on friendships because most of the time they don’t put the same effort that I do for them and I can sense jealousy and internalised misogyny and I can feel it being projected on me. What is the right mindest to have ? Are some people good or are good people rare? Is it possible to have true real friendships? And why do I feel so stupid when I’m being genuine and myself

I’m completely heart broken that I’m not a virgin for my marriage. I’ve had some extenuating circumstances in my life, a brain tumor, but it doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. I can’t even bring myself to explain it anymore because it makes no difference.

I lost a relationship with someone I really cared for because he’s a virgin and I’m not. I’m not even upset about it, he’s right to wait for a virgin. Everyone should. It just makes me sad.

I’m angry that society lied to me, that my parents didn’t talk to me about sex, that I never knew what a hymen was, that I never knew to value my virginity. I’m sad that my first time was so meaningless and painful, I’m sad that I’m left with this trauma about something that should be a gift.

I’ll meet someone else who won’t care, but he should care. I care.