Newly wed needs help navigating relationship with mother in law
I have been married for two months, moved in after the wedding. I knew my mother in law was a problem before the wedding but I thought I would just be able to roll with it but two months in but I’m so overwhelmed.
She is emotionally and verbally abusive to my husband, and very controlling. She is always criticizing my husband to him and to me. She will say that he is going to be a bad father, he is lazy, he is fat, and directly attacks his character. My husband is the most kind, generous, and gentle man. Her criticisms are not rooted in reality. She spent the whole wedding complaining about her son to anyone who would listen.
My husband’s strategy has been to let it roll off his back and to avoid/lie about things that he knows will set her off. I understand why he does this as a form of self protection and I was ok with this. Now that we are married, it’s starting to affect how I see him. I am loosing respect and attraction when I watch her speak to him like this and him not stand up for himself. I am questioning his leadership. Strangely, his mom loves me, always says I am the daughter she never had, and her son doesn’t deserve me. My husband has always said that if his mother turns her behavior towards me he will step in, but for now it’s his relationship with her and he can choose how to let her treat him. Again, I agreed with this before the wedding, but I didn’t expect it start effecting our marriage.
I know my husband will take my concerns seriously and act upon them. My question to group is how can I bring this up to him in a respectful way? I do not want to criticize, or make this terrible situation for him about me. He is the real victim here. I do not want to tell him what to do. And I know that once I say I am losing respect and questioning his leadership, those are words I can never take back. Thank you all for your input.