Helping my husband stay focused
I'm a 33F SAHM and have 3 young kids with my 35M husband. We have a long history of what he'd call "resets" where I basically call out something he said or did or need reassurance or some kind of help which discredits/hurts his ego. We have a long drawn out debate where he basically picks apart every point I make and applies double standards to everything and it really just brings out a nasty, hornery side of him. He used to get so frustrated he would go plank in his bed and take days or weeks to get back to a full happy demeanor.
Atp I'm so over the constant debating. I think I'm not really warm towards him at all anymore because I have completely lost that glow of youthful optimism. Doesn't feel like we're in love, it feels like we function and support each other. We haven't shared a bedroom in 3 yrs since our son was born and I don't really miss it. I feel more tired and beaten down than I do adored. I do appreciate him a lot but mostly for his function, he provides, fixes things, listens to me yap, plays with the kids. I also have enough experience to know he is going to do what he wants and disregard my emotions if they get in the way, but he's not a cheater or into disrespect like name-calling. He's more of a stay out of my way or you become collateral damage type of driven person. Takes minimal accountability, doesn't say I love you, not very affectionate but very thoughtful. Very good at solving my problems as long as I don't have a problem with something he said or did.
Not really ideal to feel like I do but I admire his ambition. I feel like I can learn to work with it better instead of expecting him to be some loving romantic person. I think that's just not who he is and I have been trying to see him as someone he's not.
My question is, how do I help him become as successful as possible - basically staying out of his way? I aim to do "less" accommodating, trying to please him, or trying to prove my worth and value. I've always been more of a co-dpendent anxious type deriving my self-worth from being useful to others. Recently learned I may have ADHD. I realize that makes people walk all over my boundaries and not take me seriously. I am done. Also not interested in divorce. I am not raising these kids alone.