r/FTMfemininity

i am a transsexual. i was diagnosed at about age 12, and ive felt overwhelming nausea and disgust with the parts of my body that don't belong. i'm 24 now and finally have some freedom to actually look into transitioning. i'm currently in with the local transgender mental health center, and explained to my therapist that i only had extreme dysphoria about my chest and bottom. i enjoy being short. i enjoy being cute. i don't have any strong desire to go on T. but i'm a man, and the cutest one you'll ever see. but... she told me that i probably couldnt be approved for surgery without "living as a guy" for 2 years. but... i'm already a guy. i don't really give a damn what the people on the outside see. i want to do this for me, not to make myself more likely to be gendered correctly or whatever. i really don't give a fuck. i just want to stop feeling empty, nauseous, horrible, and disfigured. how did you guys get approved for surgery? i'm also feeling as though i'm not even being taken seriously. i'm sorry i just don't feel the need to change my voice or my face. i actually like them. but... i've been a boy my whole life, and want to finally change what makes me sick.

Between agonizing over what to pick (which literally took years) and then working up the courage to go through with it this is honestly the hardest part of my transition so far. But this is an important part of my effort to continue choosing myself after a lifetime of abandonment. I don't like making a fuss, I'm passive to a fault and that has made transitioning feel really scary, like I'm doing something wrong or drawing unnecessary amounts of attention to myself (not to mention I'm still a little scarred from transmed/transtrender discourse on tumblr in the 2010s)

I don't know what things will look like as far as changing it legally, given the state of my country, but this is enough. I'm doing it anyway because I hated my old name and didn't want to settle for it for the rest of my life.

So, hi everyone. My name is Adrien.

Hi :)

Beware long ramble, I'll be cuting my hair tomorrow, and I have complicated feelings about it.

Starting t, I knew there was a good chance I'd lose my hair early. My dad started to lose his around 30 and I only ever knew him with next to nothing on the top of his head. So I decided 2 years ago to grow my hair, to enjoy having longer hair for a bit so that when the time came it would feel easier.

I feel like the time has come, a bit earlier than what I've imagined since I'm still closer to 20 than 30. I'm a bit sad about the fact that longer hair isn't going to be an option for me anymore. When I first noticed that my hair was thinning, I chose to not stop t either, as I love every other reversible effects like muscle mass, how my hands look with more visible veins and sinew now, not having periods anymore, how my beard is still filling in, etc.

I also knew about the possibility of dht blockers, minoxidil and all that but I don't think it would be good for me either. I'm glad it's a possibility for people. Knowing myself I think I would just spend even more time thinking about losing my hair, how it makes me sad, and anxiously wondering if the treatment is working. So I decided that for my own peace of mind, it's better to let go. It's not without its own feelings to deal with tho.

I like trying new haircut and styles. I know what I look like with a buzzed head and I think it fits me, so I've never been too scared to try a new hairstyle as if I don't like it I can just buzz everything. This time tho, it feels more final which is what makes me a bit sad I guess. My hair is definitely thinning on top, and my hairline ir receeding so I don't think that they will ever grow as long as they are right now anymore. I've always loved the idea of long hair. It feels like there is more options of styling, and being able to pick and chose outfits based on how I feel that day is something I enjoy. Longer hair was also a way in which I liked to express my queerness and femininity. Seeing pictures from all you lovely people being so cute and having wonderful outfits with all kind of hair length has helped me to imagine other ways in which to express this part of myself, so I'm thankfull for the existence of this sub <3

I will dye my hair pink after cutting them tomorrow, to help myself process this bit of sadness with some fun and colour. I had purple hair some time ago and wanted to try pink ever since then, so it feels like a good time to do that. I do look forward to this new colour and to being less hot this summer with shorter hair ^^

If you'd like to share your thoughts in the comments, be it advice, something that resonnate, hairstyle and outfits idea, go ahead I'll read it happily :)

smoking a cigarette, going to pick up some takeout. a guy in an alley asks "can I buy an extra cigarette off you, girl?" and I, in my 6-years-on-t-ass voice, respond "sorry man, this is my last one". put my cig out when I get to the restaurant to finish on my walk back. pick up my food, head back up the hill, same guy (who can now see my mustache) asks "hey bro, you got an extra cigarette?" I respond the same, he realizes im the same guy. I think its funny he offered to buy it when he thought i was a lady, not so much as some dude. just goes to show you. something.

Wanted to come on here and break a misconception that everyone will eventually pass with enough time on hormones or enough voice training etc.

All of us go through a phase of wanting to pass so badly it might feel debilitating and encompassing all aspects of life. Changing outfits so many times to where you’re running late because nothing feels right. Taking off makeup because it feels dysphoric rather than euphoric. I didn’t stop doing these things until I got gendered correctly ONCE and after that I realized it wasn’t anything I was or wasn’t doing “wrong” it’s just people’s warped perspective on genders and what a man and woman looks like.

This post isn’t to make others feel hopeless in trying to pass kinda the opposite in the sense that there’s a false hope that people give out to others that if they take testosterone they will pass. It’s best to live in reality and be at peace with the fact that some of us are just too short, too wide hipped or just certain genetics that might feminize us more than others even after testosterone. You might not be able to grow a beard or your voice might not get as deep as you wanted.

Whatever the case is, it’s worth being you, whether that means being on T or not being on T or wearing dresses or masculine clothing—whatever. You should still see yourself as whoever you are and surround yourself with the people that see you for you.

Also to show how weird people are about passing. I almost NEVER pass even though my voice will read as male over the phone and I’ve had top surgery and have been on T for 2 years. The cis perspective of others is so vastly different than queer. After caring so much about what others gender me as im finally starting to accept that I know I’m a guy and that’s all that matters and I hope everyone else reaches that point as well <3