u/AcanthocephalaAny757

i’m 21 and i’ve been diagnosed with adhd since i was in primary school. I’ve been having extreme anxiety which was very severe as a kid i had panic attacks out of nowhere where i would almost faint and loose sight for a moment. I used to also experience derealisation and depressive episodes but very rarely. For 2 years now i’ve been medicated with sertraline and pregabalin and it helped me a lot. But throughout my whole life i’ve been battling with addiction starting with junk food and watching youtube all the time when i was younger to youtube doom scrolling and weed now. I smoke pretty much every day and i haven’t felt better in my life than when i smoke weed. I enjoy living and i have motivation i do interesting stuff and every regular thing like getting ready or studying feels so rewarding. I have constant cool ideas of what to do and i just feel so calm and safe and warm. When i dont smoke even tho i’m medicated i feel mild to medium anxiety for no reason like it just exist in my body even tho nothing is happening exactly like i felt my whole life. I’m scared that weed made my medication not work as well as before. I feel so alive when i smoke even just like a tiny sprinkle in the morning before my whole day. The smoking is extremely unhealthy and makes me exposed to chemicals and raises my chances of lung cancer and brain damage by chronic smoking. I feel awful about it and i know i addicted i’ve been trying to stop for a year now but the feeling just makes me feel so alive and makes me enjoy life so it’s really hard. I feel it’s because of my adhd brain needing constant dopamine. I have been given adhd meds recently and they work so well but they increase the anxiety which doesn’t appear when i smoke but when i don’t it does. I don’t know what to do o feel like a disgusting crackhead and i feel like i’m ruining my life with my own choices. I feel like it’s so hard for neurodivergent people now when even regular people struggle with scrolling and substance addiction and everyone is depressed because of the state of the world and late stage capitalism where people have to work their life off to feel security and feel safe. I don’t know what is wrong with my i don’t know what to do.