My ex left me when I was experiencing a mental health crisis (thanks perimenopause!), and I felt utterly unlovable then. Today, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. How could someone leave me, a badass bitch? I’m financially independent, stylish, loving, and have great taste in music. I’m so grateful to be in acceptance of the divorce AND full of self love. There is hope on the other side!
My daughter wouldn’t stop crying for her dad almost every night at bedtime since divorce. Not an innocent cry. Am talking about the kind of cry that broke both of us apart. I used to be so helpless not knowing how best to make her feel better or quite her down.
I tried allowing her to call him, tried explaining but believe me when I say nothing seemed to be working.
I then stopped trying at all and just acknowledged the situation and stopped fighting it. I started telling her these words every night “it makes perfect sense to miss Daddy. Missing someone means you love them and Daddy loves you so much and he is missing you right now”.
I repeated these same sentences every single night. By about night 10 she stopped crying and simply saying she missed him and then settles, like she now found a place of assurance to put the feeling of missing him and finally not becoming aggressive over it. Sharing just incase it helps someone else going through the same thing.
We are separated because of his cheating ways. He’s cheated in me with multiple women and now I’m almost 30, childless and starting over in a state I never wa ed to live in in the first place!!!!! I hate my fucking life and it’s all because I believed in him. I believed he could be a better person but you know what he’s just as evil as all my friends said he was.
From me to him:
I hope you’re having a good time talking to Belle and Karime and Elaine and Kasey and Gabriela and Cali and all the other women you decide to spend your energy and time and lustful thoughts on other than your soon to be ex wife. Honestly I didn’t think I’d end up with a Pathetic Piece of shit Cheater but you really went out of your way to make sure that happened. I wish i never wasted half my life on a fucking loser like you. A psychotic alcoholic sociopath who goes around ruining lives not giving a shit , wasting my fucking time like I knew you were doing the whole time I was just too STUPID to believe it. I pray to God every night He will wipe my brain of every single memory I’ve ever had with you. Honestly just sell the house and get out of [the state], I don’t want you anywhere near me , just go to Russia so they can be done with you. I hate your fucking guts you sick, vile, cruel, evil scum.
Now I’m shining, like I’m born to be!!
- no longer your victim 🖕🫶
Brief backstory to start with. Married at 19, first kid at 20. 26 years and three more kids later my ex decides this isn’t the life she wants. We spend a year separated and figuring things out, but once the dust settles I’ve got the kids and the house and she’s moved back home. All that to establish just how not used to be alone I am. Excluding a semester in university housing I’ve never been on my own in 47 years.
I hear so much advice about learning to enjoy being single. That it’s important to get to a place where you might welcome a partner but you don’t need one, that you’re perfectly content to live the rest of your days in solitude. But that mindset is so far outside anything I can imagine. Maybe it’s because my marriage wasn’t terrible. We had some bad fights over the years but it wasn’t constant. The last few years I felt abandoned, like she was completely emotionally disconnected. I was unhappy, but I wasn’t miserable, and I never felt things were irreparable. Maybe if I’d been the one to decide things were over, that I was done with the whole marriage and romance thing, then I wouldn’t struggle with this so bad. But as it stands all I want is someone to spend time with.
Not that I’m so desperate that I’ll just take whatever comes my way, I’ve learned my lesson on taking the time to make sure something is real before committing to it. But I just feel this void. Every time I’m out with friends or at a family event it just feels like I’m going through the motions, playing the part of a happy well adjusted divorcee. Meanwhile inside everything just feels wrong, like the machine is running but there’s a cog missing. Every experience just feels follow without someone there to share it with. And I’m honestly terrified for the future. I’ve got a little over four years until my kids are out of school. Maybe a few more before I’m an empty nester depending on what happens with college. Then I’m on my own, truly.
I’m trying. Time is a premium when you’re running a household of five, on top of being an introvert who’ll find any excuse not to be social. But I keep looking for things that will fit my schedule that I’ll enjoy doing. I’m planning a solo road trip for a week while my teens are with their mom for the summer - which I’m honestly more apprehensive about than anything but I’m committed to.
How have y’all reconciled this? How do I learn to live for myself, when my entire life has been spent living for my spouse and kids?
33f I’ll be 35f by the time everything is finally over
Just trying to stay positive and tell myself that I will do everything he wouldn’t let me or that he could not bother to do with me bc he never put me first… just my reproductive system
My friend is finally divorcing her abusive husband. She's overwhelmed and she can't afford an attorney. She keeps shutting down. I just want her to get away from this horrible man. I'm trying to help her but I'm also confused. I'm reading that there has to be a year long physical separation?? But how when he's controlled all their finances and she has been a SAHM raising their kids the past 10 years?? She finally found a job but its making something like $20-23/hr so she can't afford to buy or rent. Its been almost a year since they decided to divorce but no progress has been made. He won't help her with anything and keeps leaving her with the kids to go spend the weekends and random weeks (like this whole next week) with his new girlfriend. I'm getting so stressed for her and I get why she feels lost and hopeless. Can anyone help us? Help me help her? I can't keep watching this.
He immediately had a new girlfriend move into the house we worked so hard to build. With my dog while we were separated.
He initiated the divorce, and now that I’m leaving the state to start over, he comes running back.
Asked me to be patient while he gets the new girlfriend out of the house and offered me 2k/month to stick around.
I feel like I’m going insane.
Getting very close to pulling the trigger. Several days ago we had another incident in the house where my (53M) spouse (51F) behaved very poorly towards our teen and did not apologize.
I've been planning on pursuing 50:50 custody and our state defaults to that barring severe stuff. My wife is verbally emotionally abusive and manipulative, and completely unaccountable for her behavior.
For those who are the steady parent, when your teen approaches you and says "I really want to spend more time at your place, and less time with the other parent" and your agreement says 50:50, how do you handle that? I feel like this could be coming.
Thanks!
I'm not talking about telling the kids - that's probably a no. I'm also not talking about tell my close friends and relatives - that's a yes.
But there are a bunch of people who are more like mutual friends/acquittances. People who I will continue to see going forward, although not frequently. And if my ex, after having cheated on me, is just telling them that we're divorcing because we just "grew apart", then I'm supposed to just play along?
And if they see me in a bad mood I guess they just assume that I'm bitter because I didn't want to accept the fact that we grew apart. These aren't people I care deeply about, but it's still something I have trouble accepting. Some of these people are parents of our kids' friends. So total avoidance isn't an option.
But the alternative isn't much better. I don't want to be that psycho who spray paints CHEATER on her car. It seems I'm just forced to shake hands and smile and play along. Is this more or less what you do?
I keep seeing the advice to “stick to logistics” and not take the bait—and I completely agree with it in theory.
But I’m finding it a lot harder to actually do in real conversations.
When messages come in with:
I catch myself wanting to explain, defend, or correct things… even though I know that usually just makes it worse.
Even something simple can turn into overthinking:
How do I keep this neutral without sounding cold?
Am I ignoring something important?
Is this going to escalate if I word it wrong?
I’ve been trying to step back more before replying and keep things short and factual, but it still feels like a mental battle every time.
For those who are better at this—how did you get to the point where you can consistently stick to “just the facts” without getting pulled in?
For those who have gone through divorce… how did you finally know it was time to let go?
Was it one big moment or just a slow realization over time?
I’m at a point where I feel confused and would really appreciate hearing your experiences.
I obviously didn't want the divorce and im still grieving. we had a fight 3 weeks ago and in that time being, he made up his mind about divorce. He filed yesterday. He tells me that he will continue to help me financially with apartment, car, and anything else.
I told him that I'm not ready for things to move that fast. I didn't say this but, I still haven't accepted it. I wish I was moving as fast as him but, I still cant rn. Living with him is hell.
I have all this love and nowhere to put it. He never get me an ultimatum. We separated with the intent to get back together for a few days and he was done.
I hate that my love and loyalty wasn't enough. It was for the wrong person. We could've fixed the problems but, he didn't want to. Now, I have to pretend at work like im still happily married.
Has anyone given up more than 50% to speed up/end the process and appease an extremely angry spouse? I am 6 months into this with zero progress. She terminated mediation and is sending totally obscene settlement offers.
I am curious if anyone has given in so they can move on, and if so do you regret it? There is no infidelity or abuse on either end. She just feels I blindsided her and seems intent on making this process stretch as long as humanly possible. I sway back and forth between buckling in and chasing every penny vs taking a loss and being done.
Told my husband I’m not happy in the marriage. We’ve had a long toxic relationship. He’s hurt me emotionally many times. I think he went into shock. Shivering and burning up. Fever of 102. Finally calmed him enough with some water and Advil and he fell asleep. This is hell. How the hell do I speak my mind and heart when I’m literally worried about his safety.
Typical abusive dynamic being spun as mutual high conflict, but I'm a licensed mental health professional so when I say I am divorcing a covert abuser who may actually fit the definition of a pedophile, I'm saying that based on some amount of expertise in the subject even though I can't diagnose my ex.
Currently I have sole custody after he disclosed CSAM use and he was already a registered sex offender. He hasn't been arrested because unless investigation reveals more concrete evidence of "possessing" materials, no crime was technically committed.
He believes he can get 50/50 custody by telling the court about an untreated mental illness I don't actually have.
He says he wants an amicable dissolution process, but 50/50 custody is a nonstarter.
His parents are wealthy and if they wanted to they could draw out a trial until I run out of money to pay my lawyer. My lawyer has advised against talking to his parents as they will be on his side no matter what, she thinks. He said he is a pedophile because of his sister so I wanted to be sure the parents realize if ex pushes this to a trial, his sister will have to testify about the behavior she did as a child that he is blaming his pedophilia on.
I am considering attempting to negotiate a settlement agreement because you have to use that process here even under these circumstances, but experience has shown he will use whatever I give him to thwart my goals or control me, so how the hell do you negotiate with someone like that?
Did you have to negotiate with someone acting in bad faith? How did it go and what advice would you give someone in that situation?
So, at the beginning of the year, my wife told me she was seeking a separation/divorce. (You can read my previous post on the matter if you like.) Despite making some significant changes to myself for the better, (Some therapy to sort out myself, a lot of soul searching, and committing to some improvements) my STBX has not moved an inch from her original position. I guess I'm not that surprised about that, even though i would have preferred to reconcile, at least up to this point.
What I was surprised by was handed to me at the beginning of the month. She talked to a lawyer last week, and over the weekend invited me to sign papers later this week. When I asked for an outline, the numbers that she mentioned were coming entirely out of left field. Essentially, she was asking for 1/2 of the current total assets, which might have been reasonable had we started from the same place. However, I had owned the house a good 5 years before we got married, and had a good amount of equity already there. I also had a far larger 401k at the time of marriage, and at least from the outline, both are assets which she is assuming he has an equal claim to. On the bright side, we at least appear to be on the same page custody wise for our young child, both looking for 50/50 joint custody, with a schedule TPD. I think the expectation is that i don't agree to that, they will file in the very near future.
So, that's where things stand today. Before anyone gets too worked up, no, i am not going to go and sign ANYTHING without retaining, and talking to a lawyer myself. First order of business is to get serious about getting myself a lawyer, (Already made the calls, am waiting on a couple to see when they can get me in.) Second order of business is getting the documentation I need.
Thanks for listening to my rant. If anything, I guess I'm looking for suggestions on what paperwork i should be going about acquiring, and what further things i should be on the lookout for in the next few months.
So the letter came in this past weekend stating that my marriage in now legally dissolved. I don't know what to feel. I have been living separately since Nov last year, divorce was amicable and we are still good friends and supporters of each other and plan to be there for each other regardless of this separation.
Yet the grief is there. The grief of what could have been if this would not have happened. The grief of letting go of all those memories. The grief of the young girl who got married with so many dreams for her life. The grief of not having children. The grief of the loneliness I feel in my heart. The grief of judgements people throw/might throw at me.
Is there a finish line to this grief?
I am 40(f) my husband, 42(m) and I am so sick of the imbalance in our relationship/life. I work full time from home and operate a small business to bring in extra money. My husband has a small business at home as well that is part time at best. he says he wants to expand his business but I dont see much effort that way. we have 2 kids that I take to school everyday because he doesnt/cant get up in the morning. he recently had a sleep study done where it was found he has severe OSA and that prohibits him from getting any rest. he will pick up the kids in the afternoon if I ask him to. he will cook dinner if I ask him to. he does not clean or do laundry or keep up the kids' schedules. i make the dr appointments, attend teacher conferences on top of a full time job. I dont mind that he only works part time but of that is the case I think he should pick up the domestic duties.
we also live in an unfinished house. the house is liveable but still has projects. he will only do them if I beg/nag constantly. and when he finally does, I get attitude. I feel like I am the manager of our life and he does nothing to help shoulder some of the load.
I cant help but day dream about what it must be like to be with a man who works! in or out of the home but does something other than sleep late, scroll till noon or so and then scroll/watch tv after the kids get home. literally there's a 3 hour or less window when he MIGHT get something done.
I have shown him how we cant financially keep this up and it gets dismissed. I dont want to wait to lose the house or file bankruptcy for him to finally get out of his recliner.
I guess I am curious from those who have been thru it, is this worth divorce over? could it get better and then I regret ending things or could it stay this way or get worse and then I regret not leaving sooner. i do worry about the kids, 12 and 4.
any insight is appreciated!
When I fill a form, there is this third option of divorced and it hurts everytime I see that. I am ashamed of how people will judge me. If I meet a new person in any social or professional setting I want to hide the fact that I was ever married.
Can you help me overcome this feeling and be okay with it