r/BreakUps30Plus

I am a 64 year old Englishman. I am not retired , I work full time.

She is a 51 year old Canadian with one daughter.

We have been communicating for best part of two years and profanity, in both directions was part of what we had, as were the very intimate videos and pictures that we exchanged. We spoke several times a day, always expressing love for each other.

We both discussed a life together,I'd have run to her in a heartbeat ,and she knows that.I was truly in love with her. I never said things would be perfect.

I was not aware that she didn't find me attractive, whereas I found her irresistible.

What I have found out recently has crushed me beyond explanation, but it has at least reinforced my belief that you can't trust anyone.

Don't give your heart to anyone unless you want it well and truly breaking.

I just ended a 9-year relationship this Monday night, so it’s only been a couple of days.

It was mostly long distance, but honestly never felt like one. Things had been rocky since January and we were fighting on and off, and then went into almost no contact for about 2-3 weeks.

This Monday, we spoke again about possibly getting back together. He said he was willing to start fresh, but also wanted to be honest with me. That’s when he told me that during the no contact phase, he started talking to another girl (12–13 years younger than him). According to him, he thought I was completely out of his life, was feeling depressed, and just wanted someone to talk to.

Apparently, she confessed she liked him, and he said he liked her too. He also shared everything about our breakup with her and said talking to her helped him stay functional at work.

Hearing that broke something in me, and along with everything else that had already been going wrong between us, I decided to end the relationship right there.

Since then, I haven’t responded to any of his calls or texts (since Tuesday), and I don’t plan to until I’m fully healed and out of this for good.

But right now, it feels unbearable.

This is my first real heartbreak. I feel like I physically can’t handle it. I can’t eat properly, I haven’t slept at all, I feel like I might pass out sometimes, I’m overthinking 24/7 and don't feel like getting out of my bed all day long.

I’m currently on a sabbatical from work to focus on studies, which is making it worse because I have too much time to think and no distraction.

He texted saying it’s hard for him too but I know he has someone to talk to. I don’t. And honestly, I don’t even want to. I tried speaking to another guy I know who likes me, and it made me so anxious that I stopped immediately.

I do have a supportive best friend, and my parents have told me I can talk to them anytime but this still feels like it’s crushing me.

I know healing will take time. I’m not expecting it to be instant.

But I just need some perspective from people who’ve been through something similar.. How long did it take you to start feeling okay again? What actually helped you get through the initial phase?

Right now, it genuinely feels like I’ll never get over this, and that scares me. It is undeniably the hardest time of my life! It hurts so bad and is so painful that I don't know how to continue feeling this.

Hi, I’ve never posted on Reddit before, but I’ve watched Smosh and other content creators react to Reddit stories for a long time. So I think this might be the place I should ask for guidance and advice. Sorry this might be a long post but I feel like I need to give a lot of backstory for this to make sense.

I’m in a predicament. I [24F] have been in a relationship with my partner [23M] for the past eight months. In the beginning it was going great. We met at the gym and spoke most evenings whilst between sets. We met like this for weeks, as I had synchronised my training schedule with his to get to know him more. After a few weeks, feelings built up and he made the first move. After that things just fell into place.

To me he was kind, loving, thoughtful, unique, and would do anything for me, and when it was good I felt like the best version of myself. His family was lovely, and we had a lot in common. After being in a past abusive relationship (which I took a year to myself to recover from) I felt like I had hit the jackpot.

After a few months of us being besotted with each other, being in love, and building a great connection, things slowly died down. We went on less dates, less activities together and fell into an old married couple schedule.

I didn’t mind this, until he started being on his phone a lot more. And red flags started showing up. One evening as we were going to sleep I found suspicious scratch marks all down his back (four each side going down), which could have only been two or three days old as they were still red and obvious. And seemed to have been made by fake nails, I have short nails. We hadn’t been intimate in over a week. I filmed his back to show him, and he acted very surprised and blamed his car for making them. I didn’t believe he was cheating at all but when you see that kind of dodgy evidence you tend to question everything. I got over it and tried to forget it.

Red flag no.2 ~ was his inability to be on time, the amount of times he said he would be somewhere at a certain time (gym, my house, where I house sat) and showed up 30 minutes to up to an hour later was shocking. On several occasions I sat him down and expressed my frustration for this habit, trying to communicate that I didn’t mind him coming over late, but don’t tell me a time and not stick to it. Otherwise I would change my schedule for no good reason, or be waiting and looking out the window for him all the time. By the end I wasn’t bothered if he showed up or not. I feel like once you repeat yourself enough times and someone tells you they’ll work harder at improving that, and never does. You get sick and tired of it.

Red flag no.3 ~ was with his phone, I openly said what my password was, went on my phone infront of him, and let him use my phone for anything. Him on the other hand, had a black screen protector, the ones where if you sit next to them you can’t tell what’s on the screen. He wouldn’t share his password. And was constantly on his phone. Which would bug me, as we watched films or spent time with my family together. I would have to repeat myself in asking him to be more present.

Red flag no.4 ~ was Valentine’s Day, I did say I didn’t want to go out and spent too much money at a restaurant and getting dressed up. But that I found joy in the smaller things, so I went ahead and made loads of little intimate, and meaningful gifts for him. Homemade dessert, card, his favourite chocolates, flask for work etc. He showed up late and got me flowers.

Besides all of this, I still loved him, and still powered through. But I felt like I putting all the work in and got met with half arsed attempts back. So I slowly felt less and less for him each passing day. Until I started considering my own happiness without him in my life.

Heres where sh^*t hits the fan.

Four weeks ago, I said I was feeling low and needed my own space. Which helped a lot. And he started having concerns I was loosing feelings for him (which I was). But I tired acting normally.

Three weeks ago I stated I didn’t want to be intimate, as I had pregnancy concerns (I wasn’t, it was all in my head) but we still saw each other and followed our routines. He kept showing up late, kept being on his phone, which immediately made me loose my s^*x drive.

Few days later, we were in bed watching a film, he gave me a massage, and I fell asleep. I woke up lucidly, to my hand being on his body (on his thing), he was directing my hand slowly and carefully as to not wake me. I pretended to sleep to see where the hell this would go, to be honest I was in total shock more than anything. Once he put my hand carefully back on the bed, I then realised he had filmed the whole thing and was watching it on repeat to himself. I was still, in his mind blissfully asleep at this point. But terrified. 20 minutes later he still wouldn’t sleep, and I felt unsafe, so I “woke up” and we were intimate, as I felt like this was the only way to rid him of his urges and ment I was safe to be asleep around him after. I didn’t sleep after.

The next day I confronted him over text and called a break on the relationship, to think things through and digest what had happened. He took full accountability for everything and gave me my space.

A week later he broke things off to work on himself, which I was relieved by and agreed. This week without him has made me question a lot of things. Was that the reason he didn’t want me on his phone? Did he have a file with other videos of me asleep and him doing things to me? Is this a form of fetish he’s into? Did he send the videos to close friends of his? Each time I think of that evening I physically feel sick and horrible.

Tonight, he’s messaged me a huge text, even though I blocked him and unfollowed him on most social medias. Asking if we can discuss things and work on things, and taking full responsibility on his part. What do I do? I feel confused and unsure of what to do next.

My trust died that night when he did what he did, can I ever trust him again? Thanks all in advance.

was with my ex for nearly two years, and we lived together for about a year. For a long time, I genuinely thought we had a good relationship. It wasn’t perfect, and we did have arguments, especially after moving in together, but I loved him deeply and I really tried. I was loving, loyal, thoughtful, supportive, and I kept trying to understand him and work through things, even when he started making me feel like I was too much for needing basic affection, effort, reassurance and care.

At the beginning, he came on so strongly. He made me feel safe, chosen and adored. He wanted to see me constantly, booked surprise trips, talked about marriage seriously, I had a ring picked out, we were researching venues and everything, involved me with his family, and made me believe this was something serious and real. He made me feel like I had finally found someone safe after a string of terrible and abusive relationships, I let my guard down because I truly believed him.

But over time, especially after we moved in together, things changed. He became colder, more withdrawn, more dismissive, and I felt like I had to beg for the basics. If I tried to talk about how I felt, he would shut down, get defensive, minimise it, or make me feel like I was the problem. I often felt like I was carrying the emotional weight of the relationship while he got to avoid accountability. I kept trying to explain myself better, be softer, communicate differently, give him space, support him, understand him but it never felt like enough.

In January, he told me he was struggling with desire and affection for me. He said he loved me, didn’t want to break up, and wanted to work on it. I was devastated, but I stayed and tried. For a while, things seemed to improve. He became warmer again, more affectionate, and we were having sex regularly. But then he pulled away again, and I could feel him emotionally checking out while I was still there loving him and trying to fix things.

By the end He had just emotionally checked out. He was treating me poorly, making me feel unwanted, and letting me sit in confusion and pain. He eventually ended the relationship 2 months ago, blaming it on his lack of sexual and affectionate desire for me, and making it sound like the relationship itself and I was the problem.

we were still living together and treating each other with respect and slept together a few times. I still was completely in love with him and felt like I was the reason he turned cold. maybe we could try again and work through the problems.

Then I found out the truth. He had been having an affair with his ex. I found a card and presents for her, and the wording was almost identical to things he had once written to me. It became clear that while I had been trying to save relationship, he had already been emotionally and romantically investing elsewhere. The reason he had been cold, distant and checked out was not just because of issues between us. It was because there was someone else.

she was someone he was with when he was 18 for a few years and then again in his late 20s early 30s for 2 years. When i met him, he was 34 and I was 30, he’d been single for 3 years so I didn’t think there was any chance an ex from years ago would come back into the picture. From what I’ve heard their relationship was toxic, he was chasing after another ex of his while he was with her last time, she went through the same emotional manipulation and abuse that I did with him. i don’t understand how she could participate in doing that to another woman with the same man that did it to her. She knew me, she knew we lived together and she was still happy to cheat with him. It makes me sick.

What makes it even worse is that after I found out, he still blurred the lines. He knew I was completely devastated. I sobbed on the floor, was having panic attacks, couldn’t eat and He cried, comforted me, kissed me, cuddled me, had sex with me, told me he was confused, said he still loved me. He used my love, my body, my comfort and my emotions while I was at my lowest. i was so broken and weak after months of being worn down by him. after that he said he needed time to think for a few days and then just didn’t come back. I had to pack all his things and tell him to come and get them. he officially moved out a few weeks ago and is already public with her and took her to a wedding I was originally going to and my name was on the invitation for.

He betrayed me, lied to me, let me blame myself, and let me believe I was the problem when he knew he had already crossed the line with someone else. He made me question my attractiveness, my worth when really, he was the one acting without honesty, loyalty or integrity.

I now feel like the person I loved was not fully real. I loved the version of him that made me feel safe, chosen and adored, but that version was a performance. he love bombed me for a full year but when the relationship required maturity, repair and honesty, he withdrew, lied, cheated, and left me to carry the emotional damage.

I’m angry because I trusted him. I went against my own doubts. I believed the love-bombing, the promises, the future talk, the family integration, the “I love yous”, and the version of himself he sold to me. I gave him so much of myself, and he repaid that by betraying me and replacing me while I was still loving him.

This has devastated me because I didn’t just lose a relationship. I lost the future I thought we were building, the home we shared, the person I thought he was, and the safety I thought I had finally found. But I also know I loved honestly. I tried. I cared. I showed up. I fought for the relationship. I was not perfect, but I was real. now I’m the one home alone heartbroken while they get to go off into the sunset. I don’t know how to start moving on, the pain is so bad every day. if anyone has been through something similar and has any advice or wants to talk through their experience, please do