r/BoyDinnerDiaries

Long post. Trigger warning: Suicide attempt.

My girlfriend of five years had been having an online affair with a guy from another state. I had no idea, I was suspicious but I thought she was head over heels for me, no way she'd do something like that. He drove her and spent two days with her, I just thought she had work off. This was such a surprise when I found out. We had bought a ring together last fall and the idea was to get officially engaged in San Francisco next month.

When I found out, I tried everything to fix it. Re-enter high effort phase, couples counseling, heightened intimacy and affection, etc. She said she broke things off with him but never actually did. She had him saved under a co-worker’s name in her phone. I read her texts. She thinks they're soul mates. She asked him several times to leave his girlfriend for her, but he wouldn't. I can't compete with that. I thought maybe I should just settle for being 2nd since he won't ever come around but it f*cking killed me inside.

I confronted her again after learning she was still talking to him. We argued through the day and had both been drinking. I had told her before that if she ever contacted him again, I was leaving. I put her phone in my pocket so she couldn't text him anymore that night, and when I wouldn’t give it back it set her off. She hit me, kicked me, clawed me, destroyed the kitchen and dining room, threw the tea kettle at me, hit me with a frying pan, then grabbed a steak knife and stabbed me twice in the upper arm, slashed me four times on the forearms, with various cuts on my hands, arms, and forehead. I got the knife away from her and she went for another one, so I dumped the knife block into the sink and gave her phone back.

I called her parents. They got her a hotel room and she left in a Lyft. After that I kept drinking, argued with her over text, messaged the affair partner and his girlfriend, became angry, and took around nine bottles of pills we had in the apartment. I was not suicidal, I didn't ever see that coming, I was just so angry that this relationship that I worked so hard for had just exploded like that. I felt worthless and I wanted to hurt her.

I woke up in the ICU. I spent three days there and then three days in the psych ward. I guess she came back the next morning, found me barely breathing, and did CPR until the ambulance arrived. My chest is still bruised and it's hard to think about. I wish she'd have just let me die honestly.

After they removed the breathing tube and I could talk again, I told a nurse why I did what I did. She sent a domestic violence advocate from the YWCA to speak with me, then three police officers came in and took a report. Three days later, while I was still in the hospital, they arrested my (ex) girlfriend on her way to work. She's been charged with a 3rd degree felony of aggravated assault, and some related class A and class B misdemeanors.

While I was in the hospital she messaged a lot of my friends and my work saying we argued and then I tried to kill myself, leaving out that we were broken up in that moment and that she attacked me with a f*cking knife. When I got my phone back, she was asking me to forgive her and heal each other, while her dad was demanding I forgive her and move forward as their son-in-law. I've got tubes hanging out of my body and he's on the phone telling me he has proof she never cheated and that I need to forgive her...

I'm packing now. I'm being let out of the lease and have a new apartment I can move into on the 15th. I just feel sad and numb. I've been going through it. I got drunk last night and actively went looking for what in the apartment might be able to hold my body weight. I keep wondering what all this was for. Like, if there's a lesson to be learned, I don't think any of this was worth it. I'm also $5k in medical debt now that I don't think restitution will cover. Crazy to think I'm a "victim" now.

She was denied bail last week but has a hearing this week. We figure she'll plea down to a misdemeanor and not serve any more jail time than what she's already done, just do probation and DV classes.

Looking back and speaking with my therapist I can see now how this relationship was openly abusive for a while, and that after the cheating a serious trauma bond developed that made everything harder to get out of and just amplified how chaotic everything was. I know that I'm lucky now I know my partner was capable of that deception and that's no longer my problem, but I wish I had those five years back. I keep telling myself that I will probably never get over this I just need to get through it. Through it not over it.

Anyways.

Dinner: Delivered pizza. Chicken with tomatoes and olives. Living off of microwaveable food and delivery until I move.

Pictured. Chicken, egg whites, broccoli, sweet potatoes. Recomp meal

For context, I (26M) have been dating my girlfriend (25F) for 10 months. She’s the most consistently loving person I’ve ever dated, she respects me, we have the same hopes for our future, and she consistently reminds me that she loves me for who I am. We do have conflicting attachment styles, her avoidant and me being anxious, but we’ve still been able to communicate very effectively. She is, however, friends with several of her exes, which she was upfront about from the very beginning and has reassured me whenever I’ve expressed anxiety around it.

One of those exes (let’s call him Sal) is older, in better shape, and has a much higher paying job that allows him to travel the world pretty freely. He is now in a relationship with a different woman, and has not been involved with my gf for several years (according to my gf). Before being with me, I know that Sal took my gf to Europe on an extravagant trip, bought her fancy jewelry, and expressed interest in marrying her, and my girlfriend does have a taste for fashion. She’s never made me feel like I need to buy her things, and has even expressed concern when I’ve offered to buy her things that she perceives as irresponsible.

Nonetheless, this knowledge is eating at my own self image, and I’m trying so hard to not let it impact my relationship. Whenever I take my GF out to dinner, my inner monologue tells me “yeah, for Sal, this $200 dinner bill would’ve been a drop in the bucket. This is insignificant to her.” When she says I’ve been making progress in the gym and am looking good, my inner monologue says “she was probably frothing at the mouth over Sal’s abs. You’re pudgy in comparison.” I’ve never once taken this out on my gf consciously, but I’ve definitely been depressed lately because of these thoughts.

I moved away from my hometown and ended up moving again to be with my GF, and with all my family + long-time friends elsewhere in the world, I’m feeling like I have no avenue to distract myself except self improvement (reading, working out, looking for side gigs outside my 9-5), which feels like feeding the insecurity fire. Either I slow down, do the things I enjoy and buy my gf nice things every once in awhile (while feeling like I’m living in the shadow of this on-paper perfect man my GF used to love), or I buy my gf nice things that I can’t reasonably afford and obsessively workout / diet in the gym to get fit at the expense of my friendships and my own desires.

I know that none of this is fair to my GF. It’s putting words in her mouth, as she’s been nothing but supportive whenever I’ve expressed these insecurities. But my emotions simply don’t believe her when she says she loves me despite me being less affluent on these materialistic metrics, and I haven’t been able to shake these thoughts for months. I’m in therapy, and I know logically that this all probably has nothing to do with the ex and everything to do with my own lack of self-confidence, but I just can’t see how she isn’t settling for me if she’d enjoyed a certain standard in the past. Me being depressed over this is turning me into a less fun partner, and I’m watching this self-fulfilling prophecy play out in real time. I’m so anxious that I’m not enough for her, that I’m actively becoming not enough for her because I’m losing my sense of self amidst this race against a man 4 years my senior. I just need somewhere to get

these thoughts out. Thanks for reading.

Basically title. Friend group of 5-6 years started avoiding me more and more, until I stopped talking to them myself. A week went by with 0 contact, I contacted one of them myself, was told that the 3 of them have more fun together without me, but that I shouldn't feel bad about it, because I was the one that got the whole group together in the first place.

What sucks the most is that all of us have gone through thick and thin together. One friend helped me leave a toxic partner and helped me whenever I was in the pinch financially. Another helped me clean up my apartment and move to another country for studies. Third one got me a new apartment to rent for cheap, helped with moving in, and so much more. I've always made sure to repay them with whatever I could, hosting parties and dinners whenever they themselves were in a dark place and either didn't have money for food, or were just lonely.

The reasoning? I don't drink as much anymore, and I'm tired that one of the friends keeps trying to make fun out of me at my expense at any chance they have.

So, [Korean air fried chicken by grandpa dong](https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW6b6NBCpv2/ ) with rice and lettuce leaves. At least I still have my partner and our cat (that one of the friends also helped rescue).

Chipotle adobo chicken tacos over lime and cilantro rice.

Started seeing a coworker who pursued me two months ago. She was a few months post breakup, turns out they were “working it out,” two months later of dates and pouring myself into this relationship she suddenly became distant over the weekend (going to “smoke with a friend”) and then dumped me Sunday night. No biggie, told her it takes two whole people to make a relationship work, we can just be coworkers. Correctly clocked her as avoidant attached. Blocked her on everything but text. She sent a text two days ago at 7pm clearly regretting her decision. Struggling to maintain boundaries. Trying to pour into myself, as I’m the only one who can show up for myself, obvi.

TW suicidal urge

I’m trying really hard. In August or September of last year, I hit a low from anxiety and OCD. My phobia of being away from water (water calms me down) was so severe that I needed a door held open to diminish risk of being trapped in, even if I had a gallon on me.

Fast forward to now, 4 hospital stays later including 8 ECT procedures and 3 unfinished residential/PC treatments, and I have a full time job (started part time) that began on April 2nd. I am still sober, only using cigars once a month. I go to Mass weekly, and I go to confession. I’m probably physically healthy and I take care of my teeth. I took a successful break from gambling, and I’ve been out of the house a ton.

Things look amazing for me on paper. But truly, I’m not ok. Matter of fact, I’m thinking of going back to the hospital for the first time since January 12. My depression is consuming me. I started full time work like a week back and I’m burnt out. Agoraphobia makes me not want to be on the road.

I’m feeling the urge to end my own life. I’m tired and really sad.

About 3 months ago a wonderful woman I was seeing called things off. She said she couldn’t see a future with me and felt as though we had good chemistry but it didn’t feel as though it was evolving. I know deep down that I want to be with someone who wants me. I felt very connected to her because I let myself be vulnerable. I spoke to my friends about it, journaled, tried to distract myself. I sent a text simply saying I missed her and nothing else. Got left on delivered. It feels so hard to let this go because I wasn’t wronged in any way. She did exactly as we agreed when we started seeing each other and told me as soon as she felt it wasn’t going to work. She assured me that it wasn’t anything I had or hadn’t done.

Not necessarily seeking advice, more so a community of people who have been through things like this before. I know I’ll be ok eventually, just feel like that’s so far away.

I’ve been getting doordash way too much lately and now my bank account has three digits, two of which being the ones after the decimal. Had a dream yesterday I had a girlfriend but it’s probably gonna stay a dream judging by the dirty underwear all over my floor and the smell of my sheets when I finally washed them for the first time in months today 👍

Basically, depression’s kicking my stinky ass and my professors weight their assignments weirdly so I’m failing. Doesn’t help they’re using chat to create assignments either. Probably going to have to stay with my dad for longer than the summer from how it’s looking

Scrambled eggs with canned tuna and cream cheese on bread + black pepper

He's moving alone to a relatively poor and dangerous country he's never been to, on a whim, with his cats. He took this decision in the span of a few days so i got worried sick, now I'm only worried for his cats after what he's said to me.

Basically i asked him if he would consider going to see the house in the other country before moving there and shipping his cats (the house looked ai generated) and he told me i live in my own fantasy world and that he knows what's right better than me and I'm very predictable because he's got high functioning autism and it makes him smarter than me.

Left him bc he didn't know how to take care of himself or his house/cats btw...

Fuck my gay ass life.

I’m lonely and losing hope boys. Feast your eyes on my lettuce wrap.

I’m 30 in a few months and I’m all alone. Always have been. all my boys are either married or getting married. Happy for em. Sad for me.

Apps don’t work for me. Bars don’t work for me. Nobody has ever offered to set me up. I’m stuck.

As I bit into this lettuce wrap I mentally prepped for another long evening of watching 3 movies, updating my Letterboxd, working out and going to bed.

I’m now laying here, dreading doing it all over again tomorrow. Maybe someday I’ll be loved. But that day won’t be tomorrow. And that keeps me awake.

The lettuce wrap was a 6/10 and cost $15

Biggest thing that scares me is the insomnia of quitting, but I keep getting bronchitis and I know it’s the weed. Steak eggs and biscuits

I grew up an only child to a single mother. When I was growing up she was almost never in a relationship. She basically treated me like her partner. Since age 5 my mom was having breakdowns about money and how lonely she was, and she’d say “I don’t have a partner, I just have you.”

Now I’ve moved out and am living with my girlfriend, and she has found a partner. She says they are in love, they’ve been dating for almost two years, and he moved in with her.

I’m so happy for her that she has someone, except he’s 39 years younger than her, and only 3 months older than me.

Now what used to be my room at my mom’s house is his study room. He hasn’t graduated college yet, and my mom told me that his is his first relationship.

Really complicated feelings.

Lunch : miso chicken szchuan with egg fried rice

I have been in retail for past 7 years as a manager , this is in London .

I can't stand this job anymore , I am so unhappy and I am dreading every day going there . It pays well I suppose and that's the only thing that keeps me going but I am not happy at all . I'm considering to apply for other jobs and to take a paycut as I feel I just slave my life away just to get a decent amount of money in the house . I hate this rat race , no matter how hard I work I never get anything in return , there is always someone that's more shit then me that gets a promotion. I hate all these politics .... This is my rant , maybe some of you can relate to it .

Okay so just for some context I’m 19 and she’s 29. We’ve been together for 9 months now and this is my first relationship.

One thing I’ll say that might be important is I moved in with her after one and a half weeks of us going on “dates”. I was previously doing van life before (not luxurious van life you’ve seen on TikTok lol and plus it got towed anyways 😔).

And look I will say when i first moved in it was pretty fun ya know? I didn’t have any issues and no stress really…but I’m not starting to realize that might be the initial high I was riding. I think he’ll maybe even two to three months into it I’ve had uncertainty about the relationship, and even the age gap. Not particularly because people online say “she has to be a predator bro.” Because I don’t buy that at all, she’s great, genuinely. But because I remember when I was hanging out with her I was thinking she was 24-25 max. And even then I knew that was a decent amount older than me. When she then told me she was 28 (I’m 18 at the time.) I do remember I was really bummed and in that moment thought “okay this is for sure going to be a short but meaningful little chapter”. But now here I am 9 months later lol.

Anyways the reason I want to get my own place is simply because I’ve lost myself. The place we are in is a small studio apartment. And I also want to mention I haven’t paid rent the entire time we’ve been together. And I currently don’t have a job either. Either way all I know is I have just slowly become so unmotivated to do anything. I’ve stopped working out, in fact this is the longest I’ve gone without doing so, and I’ve also stopped creating music for a while now. I’ve just lost all confidence and motivation. I’ve simply lost myself….like genuinely. I can not stress that enough. Before I met her? Man! I was genuinely on top of the world 😂 low stress, just sun and beach and guitar. I was getting looks left and right and it was intoxicating.

I feel like a shell of that version of me now.

So yeah I have finally realized I need my own apartment, or place. Mainly because I think I just need my autonomy, like real autonomy. And with this autonomy I’m hoping for either two things…

1: the relationship then flourishes because I am starting to get my own spark back and that improves the dynamic etc.

Or

2: with gaining my own independence and space I can get a clearer view on the relationship and if this is something I want to continue.

I’m hoping to be able to get a place on a college grant or at least some assistance. But when I mentioned this to her she was definitely upset. And she said well then I want you out in 30 days so you should start job searching. And I understand why she would want that. Even though the college grant was her idea, and I mainly just brought this whole thing up not thinking it was a big deal, I now see she is hurt and that’s where the whole “you need to leave in 30 days thing “ is coming from. Instead of just waiting for me to get this college grant to go through.

She also said she definitely feels like this is a step backwards in the relationship…which I see why she’d say that and most others would as well. But I feel like I’m this specific scenario that’s not true though?

Anyways yeah I’m kind of lost in the sauce right now, and have been confused for so long. Hoping for some advice ! 🤞

TLDR: I need advice

Just a cigarette for dinner.

I am deeply afraid of not finding love. I don‘t really dig hookup culture and I haven‘t had a relationship in my 20 years. I only had my first kiss at 19. I am scared that in todays world people focus on themselves so much that they aren‘t ready to risk being vulnerable with others. Everyone seems to have walls up and I feel naive for still believing in genuine love. I feel silly for wanting connection with someone more than others do. I like myself and the way I behave but I do need another person to love me romantically.

I’m 19 and wasn’t doing well in school. I got diagnosed with ADHD and started getting medicated right before this spring semester and I currently have straight A’s for the first time ever. Also, I started going to the gym consistently and lost a ton of weight so I’m treating today as win and having cookies that I made 4 dinner (:

i 20m got out of a bad talking stage with a girl, she was is all retrospect pretty toxic and im happy to finally be like 95% over it. anyways i left it with something fun though, i finally figured out my type in girls!

not talking looks wise more personality, but i like bubbly girls who are extroverted and fun, who arent really afraid to do things, thats all i really got so far though.

i 20m have spent about the last 3 years since highschool just waiting for my parents to do things that they did for my sister and they just havent. they put her through 5 years of schooling got her a car and payed for her insureance but havent done anything remotely close for me. i have been basically told just wait while i pay out of pocket for my classes.

they tend to pretend its also not there own fault that they cant afford it, they bought a new house a while ago and they just never put the old one on sale dispute saying they were going to when we moved, only after a little over a year did they put it on sale. on top of that they owe me close to 4k(payed into the mortgage am suppose to get it back when the old house sells) and my name is on the title of this new house which basically puts me something like 250k in mortgage debt. i know it was dumb to go along with this. theres plently of other shitty things they did but im not gonna get into it.

ive spent so long just waiting and realized they most likely never wanted me going to school anyways. i have adhd so did shit in highschool but do quite well with school work when im on my meds. my mom very clearly doesnt believe in me, i dont really know what my dad things but i dont think he much gives a shit if im being honest. my sister seems also pretty "whatever its all fine" which is easy for her to think because shes pretty indepdent at this point. the money they got for the down payment wasnt even theres it was my grandmas which i think she would be pretty pissed off if she knew how it was used.

this has all sort of lead me to a new path, ive sort of abandoned my old religoin of sikhi and have become sort of Christian.

i have basically been isolated from brown cultures. i have adhd and am high functioning autism which doesnt mix well with punjabi cultures, i feel a bit hurt by the whole thing but have found alot more friends in more asian/south indian/white cultures.

i crave the idea of relationship but also know that i shouldnt really be in one from reasons you can pick out here and others. friendships are the only thing looking good right now, i should be making some new friends soon.

After beach trip, delicious, I feel so lonely