I am trying to fight this pain
TW suicidal urge
I’m trying really hard. In August or September of last year, I hit a low from anxiety and OCD. My phobia of being away from water (water calms me down) was so severe that I needed a door held open to diminish risk of being trapped in, even if I had a gallon on me.
Fast forward to now, 4 hospital stays later including 8 ECT procedures and 3 unfinished residential/PC treatments, and I have a full time job (started part time) that began on April 2nd. I am still sober, only using cigars once a month. I go to Mass weekly, and I go to confession. I’m probably physically healthy and I take care of my teeth. I took a successful break from gambling, and I’ve been out of the house a ton.
Things look amazing for me on paper. But truly, I’m not ok. Matter of fact, I’m thinking of going back to the hospital for the first time since January 12. My depression is consuming me. I started full time work like a week back and I’m burnt out. Agoraphobia makes me not want to be on the road.
I’m feeling the urge to end my own life. I’m tired and really sad.