r/BestofRedditorUpdates

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ltownmans

Boyfriend [25M] told me he used to ask out “fat girls” for fun. Am I [22F] right to be disgusted by him?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Body shaming, bullying!<

Original post - rareddit March 3, 2019

My BF and I have been dating for 1 year. He’s a very tall, attractive guy. He was on the hockey team in university and his team was kind of like a bunch of frat dudes. But he never seemed like that kind of guy, he was always very kind and sensitive with me. He also seems to be a very respectful and caring person (he’s in medical school right now).

Some of his buddies from his former team came over yesterday, and were just talking and hanging out. They start talking about their old shenanigans in uni. My BF said “remember that time I broke the record for our ‘chunky chick challenge’?”

I asked what the chunky chick challenge was, and he said the goal was to ask out as many fat girls in a week. Everyone would put money in the prize pool, and winner would get the entire prize at the end of the week. Basically, he asked out like 50 fat girls over text/ in person (secretly recording their convo), and ghosted them on the date.

I was shocked, and said that was so mean and gross. My boyfriend said the challenge was just a joke, for fun, etc. He accused me of overreacting.

Am I though?

TL;DR: BF said he used to ask out and ghost fat girls in order to win a challenge.

TOP COMMENTS

relachesis

> "He also seems to be a very respectful and caring person" > > Apparently only to people who he deems attractive enough to be treated decently.

ZombieSlayer13x

>> PREACH. Can't wait till he is a doctor and has to deal with women/teenage girls who may or may not have weight issues. Bet he'll be a fucking treat >> >> Ugh

~

AuntyVenom

>Gross. If your bf still says it's a joke, after maturing a bit, and doesn't understand the deplorable nature of his actions, and is telling you you are overreacting and not fessing up to being a waste of space in college -- yeah, that's a no. Character counts.

~

[deleted]

> Am I [22F] right to be disgusted by him? > > I know a lot of people here are saying, "Yes, you are right." > > But you didn't choose to be disgusted and shocked. You just were. People don't choose their feelings, and feelings aren't something you sit around and have intellectual debates about. It doesn't matter if you're right or not. > > The fact is that you feel disgusted and there's no reasoning that feeling away. So you're asking the wrong question. The real question is, "Do I want to spend more time with someone who doesn't find this behavior disgusting?"

Update March 7, 2019 (4 days later)

Quick update. I confronted my BF after his friends left and told him that I was genuinely concerned about his treatment of those girls. I said he lacked empathy and I can't believe he doesn't see what was wrong with his actions. He finally acknowledged that yes, what he did was mean. He says he didn't want to seem "boring" to his friends. I said I thought he was better than that.

I told him I was worried about how he'd treat me if I gained weight in the future. He said that I was the type of person to "always stay skinny". I said he can't be so sure of that, especially if I get pregnant. I said I was scared by his shallowness.

Long story short, I broke up with him. He's super sad and has been apologizing non stop via text. No matter what he says I just can't get his cruelty out of my head. It's made me much less attracted to him, and I don't want to be associated with that kind of person, as I am a new grad nurse in a eating disorder clinic, and I see the kind of effect that rude comments and actions have on young women. One of the teenage girl patients is anorexic because she used to be fat and bullied in school. I am disgusted to think that my boyfriend embodies the cruelty of her bullies.

TL;DR: Broke up with BF even after he acknowledged that he was being "mean" and apologizing. As a nurse, I hope I never have to interact with him in a professional setting.

FINAL COMMENTS

Peeka789

> I'm a guy > > I knew people like that. My guess is that he does not feel bad at all. He only feels bad because he saw how you reacted to it. He most likely thought he was doing those fat girls a 'favor' by giving them attention. Don't be fooled OP, he does not feel bad. He's got a lot to prove if he wants to show remorse for being a cruel fuck. Fuck that 'I was trying to impress my friends' bullshit. > > This is my experiece with these kind of people.

~

Guardiancomplex

> You're an eating disorder nurse and he thought you'd find that story funny? > > Sounds like you dodged an idiot bullet as well as a sociopath bullet. > > You made 100% the right decision.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/bfbaldthrow

My (23F) boyfriend (25M) and his family are angry because I wouldn't shave my head for his sister who has cancer.

BoRU 1 Posted by u/wynonajim

Editors Note: the previous BoRU didnt have the final deleted update

**TRIGGER WARNING: >!cancer entitlement!<

Original Post July 7, 2015

Hi Relationships, I'll try to keep this short and blunt. Please don't judge before you've read the entire thing, I promise I'm not as awful as I sound in the title.

I've been with Matthew for 3 years now, and we have a perfect relationship. I know everyone says that, but it really is true. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I've only met his family a few times because they live pretty far away and my boyfriend had a huge falling out with his father a couple of years ago. They've since patched things up, but it's still not the same as it was. Matthew is not particularly close to his sister because she's 12 years younger than him and he doesn't see her that often. Of course he still loves and adores her, but they're not a very close family. Jessica has cancer and as a result has lost all of her hair. Matthew was devastated, obviously, and has been going to visit her more often. I have only seen her a few times since, because of work commitments. I have been down twice alone (without Matthew) to visit her in hospital. She’s a lovely young girl and I’m devastated for her and their family.

Jessica is home at the moment and Matthew's mum called last Friday and asked if we could go over there. Upon arrival Matthew's mum whipped out a pair of scissors and shavers and said that the whole family was shaving their heads for Jessica. My job is modelling. I have very thick, natural auburn hair that reaches my waist. It's one of the reasons that I'm fairly successful. It's one of the reasons I can afford to pay the bills. I couldn’t model without my hair. So I respectfully and politely declined, telling them that it would be detrimental to my career. I don’t have two jobs, I don’t have a back-up, this is my job. It’s my money maker. If I couldn’t model, I don’t know what I would do.

Matthew immediately got angry, insisting that this is more important, and while I agree that sentimentally and emotionally this is far more important, I cannot afford to lose my hair. I have to think logically about this otherwise I won’t have a roof over my head. Matthew’s mum was very upset, and proceeded to tell Jessica that I wouldn’t shave my hair because I am vain. I apologised to Jessica and explained my reasoning, and I went home. I have barely spoken to Matthew since it happened as he says he ‘needs space to consider if he wants to be in this relationship.’ I told him that I would do anything other than shave my head. I'll do a charity run, I'll raise tons of money, whatever I can possibly do, instead of shaving my head, but he won't listen. All he says is 'how can you put your looks and vanity over my cancer ridden sister'.

Did I do the wrong thing?

tl;dr my career is modelling and part of my success is due to my hair. My boyfriends younger sister has cancer so the family shaved their heads in support of her. I declined, and now everyone hates me.

edit: a few people have asked so I'll copy+paste this from one of my replies: Matthew told me that Jessica is very upset and has told all of their family repeatedly that she hates me for having long hair and refusing to shave it for her. She's only 13 years old though, I have a feeling that the family are perhaps poisoning her view and of course she's going to be having a difficult time as it is. I can't hold any grudges against a young girl being in such an awful situation.

Edit 2: I'm completely overwhelmed by the support here, so thank you a lot. I have read every comment and most of them are very helpful and make me feel a lot better. I am going to give it another few days and then I am going to speak with Matthew and his mum and Jessica. I'll be sure to post an update soon. Thank you again.

Edit 3: gosh I hate threads with a ton of updates when there's no real update but I feel the need to defend Matthew's family a little. They're not crazy people. They've always been absolutely lovely and kind and welcoming towards me. They were a normal, happy family before this happened. Their youngest member of the family, the innocent, sweet, vulnerable girl is dying and there's nothing they can do about it other than try to make her happy. Of course their view is clouded, of course they're not being rational. Matthew's mum has quit her job to spend more time with Jessica, they've spent every penny they have on gifts for her. I don't think they're crazy or bad people. They're in a world of hell and the only thing that makes it better is putting a smile on Jessica's face and me shaving my head would have done that. If they don't come to terms with it and start thinking clearly soon, then I will agree with everyone and I will call them crazy and run for the hills, but at the moment, I'm trying to be as supportive as I can to my boyfriend and his family whose hearts are all broken. Put yourselves in their shoes.

Update 1 July 14, 2015 (1 week later)

Editors Note: update 1 was preserved in the original BoRU

Update:

Sorry it’s taken a while for me to update, I've been really busy and didn't want to post until it was resolved.

I got so many helpful and positive comments on my last post, so thank you so much for that. I kept a lot of the comments in mind when I spoke to Matthew and his family.

Matthew contacted me saying that he had seen my reddit thread, I'm not sure how. He said that he was really sorry and that a lot of the commenters were right. He said that his view was clouded and he wasn't thinking properly. We spoke for hours and I forgave him. I told him that I accepted his apology and that in the future, if there’s a crisis, he has to try to be calmer and more reasonable. He agreed, and he’s also agreed that him and his mum need some kind of counselling because they’re obviously really struggling. So that was out of the way. We are still taking it slow.

He wanted to speak to his family on behalf of me but I requested that it was me that spoke to them, so I went over there and spoke to his mum and his auntie whilst Jessica wasn’t home. I wore my hair plaited under a hat out of respect (thank you to the redditer who suggested that).

As soon as I arrived, his mum (Kat) told me that she didn't want to argue, and that she didn't feel she needed to hear my explanation. She said in almost these words: ‘This isn't something that I can be rational about, I hope you can understand that. My world revolves around that girl and I just want to make her happy. I’m sorry I expected too much from you, but I just want to let this go now. You’re obviously a wonderful girlfriend to Matthew and I hope that you can be a part of our family, but until Jessica is better I’d prefer it if you could not be around her. I'm sorry if that’s rude but she’s really self-conscious about her appearance and she hates being around such a young, healthy, beautiful girl with a full head of hair.’ I still wanted to explain my side of the story but she kinda cut me off a bit and pretty much said ‘yeah I'm being ridiculous and I don’t want to listen to reason because all I care about is seeing a smile on Jessica’s face’, so I just apologised for upsetting Jessica, accepted Kat’s apology and left. It wasn't really the discussion I’d hoped to have but it was better than nothing.

I also spoke to my agency about the situation and asked how they would feel about me cutting my hair. I knew they'd say no, but I wanted to ask anyway. They did say no, but said that they would like to help in some way. I pulled a few strings, and managed to arrange a photoshoot for myself, Jessica and my niece (actually a friend’s daughter but she calls me auntie).

Matthew has told me before that Jessica is struggling to maintain friendships because she’s constantly in and out of the hospital, and most of her friends are a bit wary of being around now. My ‘niece’ is only a year younger than her and I think they'd get along so I thought it would be really nice and helpful for Jessica. I bought her a wig (similar looking to my own hair), and I went shopping and bought her a ton of makeup too. Emptied the bank a little bit but it’s better than shaving my head and not working for 5 years! I called Kat again and asked if it was okay for me to come round. She declined at first but Matthew spoke to her and she eventually agreed. I arrived wearing a bald cap (a few shades darker than my own skin) and Jessica found it hilarious. I spoke to her and told her that I was really upset that she had told Matthew that she hated me. She said sorry and told me that she was just jealous and upset. I told her about the photoshoot and she was incredibly excited, gave me a hug and wouldn't stop thanking me. We're going to have a makeover first and then we're going to have several pictures with Jessica wearing a wig, and several of us being bald because I want her to feel beautiful either way. It might be possible for me to share these photos with reddit but I have a feeling they would go viral and I do not want my boyfriend or his family to be identified, particularly as a lot of people seem to think they're crazy and awful people. There are a lot of trolls online and I don't think the family could handle any kind of backlash.

So I think it's kinda resolved for now. Jessica is happy, Matthew is happier, and Kat is at least accepting of the situation. I could have broken up with Matthew and walked away from this situation, and where would that gotten me? Jessica would still be upset, Kat would still be angry, and I wouldn't have my supportive, beautiful and amazing boyfriend in my life. I wouldn't stand for this again, but in the 3 amazing years of us being together, this is the only time he has faulted, and it was for an understandable reason.

Also, people kept saying ‘this is how Matthew and his family deal with tragedy! he’ll do this again!’ But I don’t think these people understand that this is not just a tragedy. There is not much that can compare to losing a young sweet daughter/sister to cancer. I’ve been with Matthew for 3 years, and in that 3 years we have dealt with tragedies (his good friend committed suicide) and stressful situations (he almost lost his job) and he has never acted like this before because this is MORE than a tragedy. This is heartbreak and hell. I want to finish with two quotes that I read on reddit recently:

‘Years of love have been forgot, In the hatred of a minute.’ and

‘“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviour.”

tldr; matthew apologised and we are okay, matthew's mother is kinda okay with me, myself, jessica and my niece are doing a photoshoot together.

edit: I am absolutely blown away by the amount of support! thank you so so so much to everybody that has made a kind comment, also everybody who has shared their own stories. I've been crying off and on all day! Happy tears mostly :)

also there were a couple of slightly rude comments because I said that I didn't know how Matthew found my post. He doesn't reddit, he barely even spends any time on his PC at all (and never mine). Not many people know about the in's and out's of the situation and I changed some small details to attempt to make it a bit less obvious (I'm terrified of being identified!) So yeah it was kind of surprising that he found the thread. I haven't had a chance to ask him yet but I guess a friend must have sent it to him? Either way, it's not that important to me.

thanks again everybody, and let's pray that I can make another update soon saying Jessica has miraculously recovered! :)

FINAL UPDATE

Update 2 Aug 4, 2015

Original link

Thank you again for all the comments I got in my previous posts, they were all so helpful and kind.

Myself and Matthew are completely back on track, he's been to therapy and is coping a lot better than he was before. Kat (his mum) is also going to group therapy and she seems to be a lot better.

The photoshoot was a little difficult, Jessica wasn't all that compliant. She didn't seem to like my niece, who was nothing but friendly, and it took her some convincing to actually take some photos without the wig. She didn't want many pictures of us together, mostly just of herself. We didn't get the photos on the day, and Jess sent quite a rude text asking when I was going to get them to her. I took the photos to her about a week later and Kat asked if we could sit down and talk.

She told me that she really appreciated what I'd done for Jess, but that Jess had been acting weirdly since. Apparently Jess had been trying to speak and dress like me, and was refusing to take the wig off, which was giving her a pretty bad rash on her scalp. Kat seemed quite annoyed that I'd gotten a wig similar to my own hair (that was a mistake on my part) but she kept hinting that it was a cheap wig or that it was made of synthetic hair which kind of offended me. Anyway I brushed it off and spoke to Jess. I told her that she didn't need to wear her wig all the time, that she was didn't need hair or make-up to be beautiful etc. but she got kind of rude and kept saying things like 'that's so easy for you to say' and 'you can lecture me when you have cancer'. I ended up getting a little snippy with her, which I regret, and I told her that I didn't like her attitude, now or during the photoshoot. She ended up crying and Kat asked me to leave, she wasn't rude but I could tell that she was upset with me. When I got home, Matthew reassured me that I hadn't been out of order or unfair.

A few days later his mum called and told us that Jess had thrown away the bald photos. I was really upset, so Matthew spoke to Jess and told her that she was being very unappreciative and rude. I received a text from Jess a few hours later with what seemed like a sincere apology, to myself and to my niece. Then a few days later, I received another text from her asking if she could have another photoshoot. I called her and told her that I couldn't, as they wouldn't offer the same discount and I couldn't afford to pay for the whole thing myself, and she put the phone down on me. Then Kat called me and asked me (politely, but unfairly I feel) to no longer speak to Jess as it just keeps causing more trouble.

So I haven't spoken to Jess or Kat since. Me and Matthew seem to be okay but I'm worried that this may cause resentment between us later on in life, particularly if Jess gets any more unwell. I'm just taking everything as it comes and trying to stay out of it for now. I care a lot about Jess but I also don't want to be taken advantage of, spoken to rudely, or blamed for problems that I couldn't help. I've tried my best with the whole family, but I can't seem to do much right, so I think it's for the best if I do distance myself from them.

Sorry this wasn't a happier update! If anyone does have any suggestions for how I can avoid resentment between myself and Matthew in the future, or how I can try to fix the distance between myself and his family, I would be really thankful. I don't think there is anything more I can do, but there were a lot of really creative and helpful ideas in my last 2 posts so it's worth asking :)

Thank you again everybody.

tl;dr photoshoot was a struggle because Jess was quite rude, didn't want to take any bald pictures or pictures with my niece. She's since started trying to dress, speak and act like me, and has thrown away the bald pictures that we took. Kat asked me not to talk to Jess anymore. I'm doing as she's asked because I don't know what else to do.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayaccnt4

I [25f] just found something REALLY disgusting this morning that my boyfriend [26m] left in the living room.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!piss jar!<

Original Post March 14, 2013

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we've been living together for the past few months. Now, generally I've come to accept him for being a 'guy' and not cleaning up after himself. He has got a lot better at it though so I'll give him that. Anyway, this morning I went downstairs as usual to clean up a bit and when I went to pick up the remote off the floor I noticed a white mcdonalds cup sitting next to the chair. Thinking it was just a left over drink I went to go dump it in the sink only to realize that there was piss in the cup. I'm not sure how long it was sitting behind the chair but it smelled REALLY bad. It was pretty much full with ashes at the bottom of it [he smokes]. I don't really know how to go about talking to him about this or how to even bring it up. Advice anyone?

tl;dr Found boyfriends piss cup behind a chair in the living room. Not sure how to ask him about it? REALLY grossed out.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

colakoala200

> "Not sure how to ask him about it?" > > Don't ask, tell. "boyfriend, I was cleaning up the other day and I found a cup behind the chair and it smelled like 3-week old piss and had cigarette ashes in it. It smelled REALLY bad and I'm really grossed out." > > You don't need to know if it's piss or how long it's been there or whether he'll clean up next time or why he didn't clean it up this time. You need HIM to know how finding something so nasty affected YOU.

OOP

>>Instead of calling him on the phone and yelling in his fucking ear about it (which I really wanted to do when I first found it) I wanted to think about what I was going to say before I let him know that I found the 'cup'. Thanks for giving me some idea on what to say.

~

[deleted]

> "Now, generally I've come to accept him for being a 'guy' and not cleaning up after himself." > > He's not a 'guy', he's a fucking slob.

diego_montoya_jr

>> Slob is right. I once found a pile of snipped off toe nails on our coffee table once and I thought THAT was disgusting. I don't know what I'd do if I found what OP discovered. >> >> And no smoking in the house either! Blargh.

~

Crowmagnon0

>You say there were ashes in it? Cigarettes will leave a clear liquid yellow, and it would definitely smell bad. Are you sure that he urinated in it and it wasn't just his ashtray? Either way it's gross, but that would make a lot more sense.

OOP

>>Oh yeah.. it was legit piss believe me. I couldn't smell it at first because there was a lid on the cup. But after I poured it in the kitchen sink i knew that i had made a terrible mistake :/

Crowmagnon0

>>>Was he getting drunk last night? Not that it's an excuse, but it would give a reason for this.

OOP

>>>>No he doesn't drink. There shouldn't be ANY excuse for him to piss in a cup when our bathroom is 30 ft. away. I'm just in shock that anyone especially the person I'm living with would do this.

EDIT First of all thank you to everyone who left helpful comments on what to do in this situation. I'll be speaking to him about this in the morning. I will definitely post an update first thing. Thanks again! I really appreciate it.

Update - rareddit March 15, 2013 (Next Day)

So an update from my [original post](

First I just want to say thank you for all the helpful responses that I received yesterday. I've never in my life had to deal with a situation like this. I also hope it is the last time as well.

As soon as he got home from work this morning I told him that we needed to have a serious conversation. We both sat down and I told him that I found the cup he had been pissing in behind the chair. That it was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen and I was repulsed that he would actually do something like that when we have a perfectly working bathroom upstairs. He started to actually DEFEND himself as to why he was using it! I tried to stay calm but I couldn't anymore and eventually it turned into a heated argument. He stated that the cup was easier to use than going upstairs to use our bathroom which is seriously 30 ft away!! And he usually dumps it in the KITCHEN SINK when he's finished.. W.T.F. That right there was a deal breaker for me. This has been going on for quite some time. Upon further inspection where I originally found the cup I could clearly see urine stains on the floor. How I didn't know about this sooner I don't know. But I'm really glad that I do now. I can't continue to live with this sick fuck any longer. I'll be moving my things out today and will be staying with a friend for the time being.

TL;DR Boyfriend defended himself about using his piss cup instead of going to the bathroom like a normal person. He had been doing it for some time now. We broke up and I'm moving out.

FINAL COMMENTS

InfernalWedgie

>The moral of the story: Being toilet trained is essential if you want to appeal to potential sexual partners.

_some_asshole

>>That is actually the only takeaway here.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/trowaway243121

My brother tried to pull a fast one on his wife and she did an uno reverse and I am laughing watching him scramble.

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Neglect, weaponized incompetence!<

Original Post Apr 9, 2026

My brother fake name Dick and his wife Ana have been having some serious marital problems which is 99% Dick's fault.  Ana is a stay at home mom, goes to college online and has a side business with an MLM but whatever she has made some new friends and seems to be happier.  Before they had kids Dick and Ana had a solid marriage.  Ana told me after the kids came their marriage slowly went downhill and now its on life support.  Ana does everything for the kids and Dick wants a medal for watching the kids for 30 minutes while Ana cooks dinner. He is more than capable of taking care of them but chooses to let Ana do everything if he can get away with it. 

The MLM Ana is involved with is having a big convention this week.  We are locals but Ana decided to do a staycation and is staying at a hotel near the convention with her friends.  This has been planned for months.  Ana told Dick to take time off work and made it very clear she needed the break and this would be a really good opportunity to network.  Over Christmas she asked him if he got approved for the time off and he said ya ya ya.  I told her he is going to mess this up for you and she told me he better not.  

She called me in tears and Dick texted her that an emergency came up at work and he would not be able to take off.  He had to put in long day on Tuesday and would be flying out on Wednesday.  He was so sorry and would make it up to her.  I thought she was going to have a breakdown she could barely talk.  I told her to calm down and finish packing and pick her kids up from school.  I said I would watch them until Dick got home.  She did not want me in the middle.  I told her fuck Dick and we've never been close and I did not give a damn how he reacted.  I watched the kids until Dick strolled in at 10 pm and told him he was a selfish piece of shit on my way out the door.

He blasted my phone and I put him on DND.  I talked with Ana yesterday and he blasted her phone as well.  She ended up telling him they could either get marriage counseling or see divorce lawyers his choice but he better stop calling her unless it was an emergency with the kids or she was calling to talk to them.  He cooled his jets after being told that.  He stopped by my house and I spoke to him through the ring camera and he asked ME what he was supposed to do with the kids.  I asked him if he even bothered to request the time off from work and he would not answer me and said he had an important business trip.  He said Ana won't give the contact info for their babysitters and asked me if I could watch the kids.  I told him to get the fuck off my property with his bullshit.  If he were any kind of parent he would already have the contact info for the babysitter.  Ana prepped meals for the kids, organized all their clothes for the week and left a detailed itinerary of their schedule. What else does he need? 

Our parents and his in-laws won't return his calls.  He is flying solo this week and had to cancel his alleged business trip.  Ana says she will get to the bottom of that when she gets back home. I hope she has the best time with her friends. I hope Dick does not get a moment of peace. No one is buying his lies or coming to his rescue and I laugh when I think about it. Good luck bro.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Original_Cranberry68

>How old are the kids? In their fight the kids will be impacted - that dick will not feed them.. he needs to learn this but not with children getting messed up in between ..

OOP

>>The kids are 4 & 6. They will be fed and he is very capable of taking care of them and he will take good care of them. Ana is in close contact with them. The issue is he tried to sabotage her staycation because he is selfish.

collectif-clothing

>>>I think he wasn't just trying to sabotage, it sounds like he had some side action planned as well. 

OOP

>>>>I believe he is very capable of that. That is whole other can of worms Ana has chosen not to currently pursue. If he was planning some side action it won't be happening this week.

~

Intersection_Novel1997

>I’d advise Ana to consult a divorce lawyer regardless.

OOP

>>I see this stunt being the final straw.

~

bandashee

>at least Ana knows she's got support and OP is an absolute BOSS for being an awesome bestie. I'd be getting their favorite snacks/candies every week for several months as a thank you for ass covering. Holy crap Dick is an incompetent....dick. I'm sorry, did he forget he's the DAD to these kids not just the sperm donor?

OOP

>>He thinks because he is the bread winner that means his work is done. Our dad is nothing like that. I told Ana to keep me posted and I will keep you guys posted.

~

LadyMacGuffin

> She'll get better behavior from him as an ex-husband. With the courts mandating his parental effort under pain of contempt. > > There's no way he requested that time off. And I would LOVE to see what a judge would do with that sort of bs during proceedings.

OOP

>>I don't believe for a second he requested time off. As crazy as it sounds he would probably be a more involved father if they got a divorce.

Update Apr 13, 2026

I got a lot of messages for updates so I am going to leave it in the comments. I'm going to start with the good news first. Ana is going to divorce Dick. Thanks to a family member she was able to get an appointment with a lawyer this week. She comes very highly recommended.

When Ana came home on Sunday night Dick was waiting with a suitcase and said it was his turn to take a vacation and he left!!! No arguing he just left. In his warped mind his silence is meant to punish Ana but he is just making her life easier. While he is gone she is going to be making copies of all the financial documents she can find. She hopes he really teaches her a lesson and stays gone.

The house was a wreck. She moved all of Dick's crap from the master bedroom into his office. All his shit is laying on the floor. You can't even walk in there. There is not even room for a twin air mattress.

The kids enjoyed their time with Dick. They were asking for him today and want to spend time with him. Ana called him and he did answer and spoke with the kids and told them he was on a business trip. She is going to file for joint custody. If he does not want 50% custody then he will have to turn it down on the record.

She also found out last Tuesday when he was supposed to be watching the kids he was tagged in a picture at a bar playing pool. So much for working. He did not even untag himself which shows he really does not give a fuck. He doesn't love Ana or like her but he must hate her to act like that. I don't get it. He absolutely disgusts me.

That is all I have to update.

NEW UPDATE

Update 2 Apr 24, 2026

I finally caught up with Ana. She decided not to go with the lawyer she consulted with originally.  She found a new lawyer that was a better fit.  He specializes in high conflict/asset divorces and has years of experience dealing with men that have Dick's need for control.  There is a lot of behind the scenes information gathering that needs to be done before Dick is served.  The lawyer said he needs 3-4 weeks.  When it's real life the process is much longer.  Ana was warned if they go into litigation the divorce can drag on for 1-2 years if she is lucky so to prepare herself.  The lawyer emphasized to Ana not to tell him their marriage is over until the papers are filed with the court and a process server has been lined up.  She is going to tell him she filed for divorce and have him served within minutes.  I don't remember the legal term but there is an automatic order in place with the filing neither party will be able to make unilateral decisions regarding their marital assets which basically prevents Dick from pulling any shady shit.  If he does then that is what her lawyer is there for.  

Her demeanor is different from when I last saw her.  She is confident and had this I don't give a fuck attitude.  Whatever love she used to have for Dick is well and truly dead.  I see it.  When she talked about him it was with the same contempt he has for her.  She was talking about him like I do.  After they get their temporary orders (she has no hope of them coming to a temp agreement) she said the only communication she will have with him is through lawyers and a parenting app.  After strategizing with her lawyer and coming up with a plan she feels like she has her life back and some direction.  I felt like I was talking to a stranger but I love this new confidence and determination she has.

Dick was gone all week to god knows where.  Ana did not contact him one time unless the kids wanted to speak with him.  It was radio silence on her end. In the past she always kept in close touch and would pick his sorry ass up from the airport.  Due to her distance Dick knew he was in trouble. There was no shock on his end when his office was trashed and Ana told him he would be sleeping there moving forward.  He had the audacity to ask how long she was going to be angry.  He is treating this like a temper tantrum she is throwing.  She used his asinine question as a chance to inform him how things would be moving forward.  Keeping her lawyers advice in mind she told him that its going to take her a long time to get past what he did and he needs to give her lots of space. 

I can picture that sob now thinking he is off the hook and better behave himself until they go back to normal.  Ana said she wanted to throw up in her mouth saying that but she needed to lull him into a false sense of security.  She also brought up his lack of involvement with the kids and told him moving forward he would be the primary caregiver every other weekend and he needed to pay attention to them in the evening without being prompted. I don't think he can see what is in front of him due to his arrogance.  If my husband kicked me out of the bedroom and told me I was taking care of our kids by myself every other weekend I would know a divorce was coming.  For the first time ever Dick has taken the kids to school every day this week without being asked so he is using his kids to try and get back in Ana's good graces.  He has no idea what is coming his way.

I wanted to address the MLM Ana is involved with.  I really regret saying she was involved with one because it detracted from the real issues in her marriage and took on a life of its own.  I first want to say Ana spends her fun money on the mlm.  Dick would have lost his mind if she used "his" money.  Her involvement in my personal opinion is based on the friendships she has made.  I also think depression left her vulnerable to being entangled with them.  I'm not going to tell her she is idiot for joining one.  I tried to warn her but she told me she knew what she was doing.  I'm hoping she no longer feels the need for those friendships after she is free of Dick if they are conditional like I suspect.  Ana is laying low and Dick is behaving so I don't think there will be an update until he gets served.

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My (22F) married sister (28F) and boyfriend (22M) had drunk sex yesterday

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Possible sexual coercion/assault, excessive alcohol consumption!<

Original Post - rareddit Feb 20, 2019

I still can't believe it really. We've been together for four years and everything has been going so well. We recently signed a new lease too. Can't believe it's my sister, can't really put into words how I feel. I just need to vent right now.

She asked if she could stay at our apartment for some time because she had a very big fight with her husband. I asked my boyfriend and he was fine with it so she came over. They have a dead bedroom and it's one of the reasons for their many fights, he has no sex drive and they haven't had sex in over a year. She looked a little bit upset and brought a bottle of tequila with her.

Around 9 or so she opened the bottle and she joked about drinking away the pain. My boyfriend joined her, and he doesn't usually drink. I didn't have any because I had work tomorrow but he didn't. I went to bed soon after, and they kept talking and I figured it would help them connect more. I woke up at 1 and went to the bathroom. My boyfriend was still not in our bed, and that's when I heard loud moaning from the living room. I made my way to the hallway as quiet as possible, and I saw my sister with no bra on, obviously riding my boyfriend. She didn't care about all the noise she was making. I couldn't see him because of the couch but I didn't want to. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I just didn't know what to do.

I was woken up by my boyfriend somewhere during the night. He was not even close to coherent and making absolutely zero sense. He stumbled and fell and went into the bathroom. This morning when I woke up I found him laying next to the toilet with vomit on his shirt. I woke him up and asked him if he was ok. He just said he had a very bad hangover and looked very confused. He says he can't remember a single thing from last night, so I showed him the empty bottle in the living room. He just laughed and said it had been a long time since he blacked out on alcohol.

My sister was already awake and I asked her how she slept and how much they had to drink. She said my boyfriend drank most of the bottle and that they both went to bed around midnight. She definitely acted strange. I just can't believe why they would lie like this. I left for work and my boyfriend called as usual during my lunch break. He said he was feeling better and acted like nothing happened. He could tell from my responses that I was upset and asked if I was alright. I told him I was fine and left it at that.

I need to go home within an hour or so. I told my boyfriend I had to run some errands but I'm just sitting in my car, crying. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I literally can't believe it. The two most important people in my life went behind my back. I feel disgusting and lost.

Update 1 - rareddit Feb 21, 2019 (Next Day)

Sorry for not updating earlier. I didn't know people got so invested into this. I tried to read most of the comments.

Why didn't I do something when I saw them? I guess people have different reactions to certain situations. I was too shocked to do anything and went back to bed.

I decided to talk to my boyfriend first. Tried going into it open-minded but I was still very emotional. I took him in our bedroom and asked him if he remembered ANYTHING from that night. He asked me why, and I told him that I had seen something happen and that's why I was upset. He looked really surprised at this point and went quiet. I asked him again, and he didn't respond. This was enough for me, so I stood up and wanted to walk out when he told me to wait. He said that he made a really big mistake but to please hear him out. I lost it right then and there. I started screaming and yelling, told him to get the fuck out the house. My sister came into the room and she started crying and telling me to please calm down and allow them to explain. My boyfriend told her that they should leave and they did. I was still hysterical when they left. I started drinking and passed out in my bed.

I haven't answered any of their phone calls or opened their messages. I truly have no words for how I feel. It all feels like a game. Life doesn't feel the same way, and I'm done. I told a friend what happened and she's been with me since then so there's that. I feel relieved that I no longer have to worry about my problems though.

I'm sorry it's not the update people expected but it's the best I can do :)

Edit: I am fine, I'm not going to do anything to myself. Thank you for all the heartwarming messages.

Edit: I AM OK. I APPRECIATE ALL THE KINDS MESSAGES. I WON'T HURT MYSELF. MY FRIEND IS WITH ME, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. THANKS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

Final Update - rareddit March 3, 2019 (10 days later)

I'm sorry for deleting my previous posts. It was all too much for me and I wanted to get rid of it. I think there was someone who saved it but I'm not sure. Anyways, I figured I owed a final update to all the kind people who commented on the thread and PM'd me.

The day after they left I was broken. I still am actually. Obviously we broke up, and he is okay with me staying at our place for now but that's the only positive thing so far. He collected some of his stuff when I went to a friend, I still haven't seen him in real life. He tried to reach out to me multiple times but I've only been texting him when it's necessary. My sister stopped trying after the first day and I don't think she has any remorse. After he got his shit I've been emotionally numb, can't really describe it. Since Thursday I've been starting to feel very depressed again, and I've been drinking more. Feeling numb felt better to be honest. I haven't been to work. My friend called them and I believe I can take as much time as I want, so there's that.

I called her husband, but he didn't pick up. Tried a few more times but eventually I got a text saying to not contact him ever again. Don't know what she told him, but I don't really care to be honest. The truth will come out eventually, sucks I have no proof though. As far as I know my parents don't know, and I'm keeping it that way. I don't know where to go from here, I'm keeping all options open for now. It'd probably be a good idea to go to work again but I have absolutely zero energy. I just want to be free. My friends have been here for me luckily.

I think this is my last update. Once again, thanks to all the kind souls that messaged and supported me. I would have never expected anything like it.

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AITA for wanting to bring the partner of my brother to his funeral?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: >!homophobia, death of a loved one!<

BoRU 1 Posted by u/almostselfrealised

Original Post June 23, 2020

A little over a month ago, my little brother who was 26 passed away in a motorcycle accident. His death was so sudden and its hit my family very hard. I honestly still can’t believe it.

With covid and now this unexpected loss, we had no idea how to organize a funeral while dealing with our grief. My brother always said he wanted to be cremated when he died so at least we were able to honor his wish.

It also made it a little easier to take our time to plan a proper service for him without worrying about his body.

The week my brother passed, I drove to his apartment to pick up some of his stuff and met his roommate (I’ll call him M), who my sister already told the news. Only I came to find out M was more than that. He was my brother’s boyfriend of 5 years. He was so heartbroken and upset he didn’t even try to hide the fact that they were a couple.

While I was a bit surprised, I had my suspicion growing up that he might like guys. But I never said anything. Being his older brother and all, I figured he’d come to me when he was ready. I wound up staying for hours talking to M about my brother and going through photos.

Since then I kept contact with him to see how he’s coping and I started visiting a lot just so we both had someone to talk to. He’s a great guy and I’m really happy my brother found someone like him to spend his years with. Having these talks with M have also made me feel a lot closer to my brother again.

My brother distanced himself from our family at 18 and didn’t keep much contact with anyone; even me despite us being as close as two brothers can be. Which looking back now, I guess I can see why.

My family was finally able to organize a proper funeral service for my brother. The service is scheduled for this Friday. We’re still limited on how many people can be there so only close family will be attending and it’ll be live-streamed for everyone else.

I really think M should be at the funeral. He just lost the love of his life and he really wants to be there too. We decided to tell my parents he’s a really close friend of my brother’s. My sister, who apparently knew about them flipped when she found out.

She told me not to bring M because our parents will question who he is and it might expose the truth about my brother being gay since they never met him before.

We argued over this and she pretty much thinks I’d be an asshole for letting M possibly face ridicule from our family if they found out who he was. (they’re all close minded)

And also a terrible son if i upset my parents over my brother being gay while they’re still grieving him. This is all IF they find out. I don’t know if they will but it still doesn’t seem fair to not let M be there when he was such an important person in my brother’s life.

I feel like it’s only right to bring him but maybe I’m letting my emotions get the best of me and maybe someone with a different perspective can tell me. AITA?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

gunslingrkitteh

>In a perfect world, your sister’s concerns wouldn’t matter - but it’s not a perfect world. To me, if M knows the risks and is willing to come anyway, let him. Maybe your parents will surprise you and be happy that your brother found someone so wonderful? NTA, by the way.

OOP

>>I highly doubt it. They’re not the most open minded people when it comes to the LGBTQ community. M is aware of the risks and knows how my family is. I really don’t think there’s a possibility he’ll be outed somehow, but my sister seems to think so

~

Domitacus

>M deserves to be there

OOP

>>I agree and I’m so glad others do too.

UPDATE: THANK YOU so much to everyone for your support and assuring me we’re doing the right thing here. I know I won’t be able to reply to every single comment so just wanted to express my gratitude.

Also I did want to say since people keep telling me to warn M about my family. He is well aware of how they are since my brother told him all about them and knows what he might be dealing with if anyone finds out. He still made the choice to be there and prefers being introduced as only my brother’s best friend. Not because of my family’s homophobic views, but because he wants peace for himself at the funeral.

If anyone does find out though, he won’t be alone. I’ll be standing by his side so anybody wanting to cause problems will be dealing with me.

So please don’t worry. I won’t let anyone ruin this last chance for us to say goodbye to my dear baby brother.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Update Aug 21, 2020 (2 months later)

Many of you were asking for an update so I thought I’d share.

Here’s the original post btw.

AITA for wanting to bring the partner of my brother to his funeral?

M went to the funeral and I introduced him to everyone as my brother’s roommate and best friend. My sister was visibly bothered but she didn’t say anything. As expected, everyone including my parents were too upset to think about him being there and were still welcoming towards him. They didn’t speculate or react the way my sister thought they would. I knew they wouldn’t. We were all focused on my brother.

It was a beautiful service. I’m glad M was a part of this and that my brother got a proper send off. It was very difficult and it hurt so much to say goodbye. I really hope we did right by my brother and it was how he would’ve wanted it.

Thank you to whoever suggested an urn necklace that M could keep some of my brother’s ashes in. I brought this up to him and asked if that was something he wanted. I was going to get part for myself while my parents kept most of it. And then I would just split the ashes with M.

M didn’t know that was a thing but said he liked that idea. He got himself a beautiful pendant to keep the ashes in and he really loves it so thanks again to the person who commented this! It was a lovely suggestion and it means so much to him to have a piece of my brother with him at all times.

I have still kept contact with M since the funeral. He’s stopped by a couple times and has finally met my wife and daughter. I also try to see him when I have the chance just to make sure he’s okay. This has understandably taken a huge toll on him. He told me he’s started talking to someone to help cope with the grief, which I think is great.

I myself had a bit of a wake up call that therapy was something I very much needed right away. My wife brought it to my attention that our 5 year old has noticed I’ve stopped eating and now she doesn’t want to either unless I do.

Don’t know I guess I haven’t been able to eat because I feel like I don’t deserve it if that makes any sense.

It hit me that what I’m going through was starting to affect my family so I’m currently looking up grief counseling in my area. I’ve also made an effort to eat more in front of my daughter so she knows that I’m fine and it’s okay to eat, hiding the fact that it still makes me sick to my stomach.

Things are still rough and wounds are yet to heal but we’re all surviving. Thank you everyone for all your kindness and support. It was very reassuring to know that this was the right thing and M deserved to be there. Thinking back now, it should’ve been a no brainer but emotions were high and it was better to get an outsiders perspective. I appreciate everyone’s input and I hope you all have a wonderful day!

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I [32F] think my husband [33M] may be having an affair with the girl [19F] next door. I’m also pregnant.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity!<

Original Post - rareddit Apr 12, 2019

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, dated for 7. We have one son, 2, and I’m 6 months pregnant.

I love him deeply. He’s a very busy lawyer and often comes home late at night. I never thought he’d cheat on me. But since I began to get bigger, we’ve been having less sex.

A few months ago, a young woman moved into the condo about 2 doors down. She’s a very beautiful girl but a bit aloof to me. We did invite her over to a dinner party when she first came. A few weeks ago, I noticed that my husband followed her on IG and added her on Snap. I asked him about it and he said she followed him first and he didn’t want to be rude.

Last week, I started noticing him using his phone more and more and generally being distracted. He said it was due to work. But 2 days ago, I saw a Snap notification on his phone with our neighbor’s name on it. I asked him why he was Snapchatting her, and he said that she was interested in law and was asking him career advice. At 12am apparently. Via Snapchat.

Yesterday I was taking his suits to the dry cleaners and found a receipt for a sushi restaurant from a few nights ago, when he said he was working late at his office. The sushi restaurant is close to our condo complex and nowhere near his office. There were 2 meals billed on the receipt. I confronted him when he came home from work, and he said he took a client out for dinner. But there were so many nice restaurants near his office, why the one near our house??

I’m almost 90% certain he’s cheating. What should I even do? Im about to be a mother of 2. I never even prepared for the possibility of this happening in our marriage. And definitely not this soon.

Advice please!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Carnivore69

>Given you can't be certain he's cheating (yet?), the first thing you need to do is quit confronting him for every discrepency you notice. By doing so, he'll become more and more aware you're picking up on his activities, whatever they are. If those activities involve cheating, your actions will likely cause him to be more stealthy and adept at covering his tracks. Use more restraint, and let the evidence pile up until you can ascertain what's really going on. And be sure to document your findings however you can. In the meantime act like your antenna isn't up, and let him "relax" around you.

~

pointlessusername-

>I would tell my partner that him being a 33 year old man SNAP CHATTING a 19 year girl is completely inappropriate and she can ask google or any other lawyer for advice. Unacceptable.

~

CuckyMcCuckerCuck

>Do you have the disposable funds necessary to hire a private investigator? In part to "confirm", but also as an investment for a more favorable divorce settlement.

OOP

>>We have a joint account and he might get suspicious if I withdraw a large sum of money. Maybe I can just investigate it myself?

Update - rareddit Apr 19, 2019 (1 week later)

Thanks for everybody's advice on my first post. It's been an interesting week to say the least.

Last Friday after work, he left for a supposed weekend golfing trip with his 2 friends to a place only an hour drive away. Before he left, I texted the wife of one of his friends if she wanted to get together for brunch on Sunday. She said she had plans with her husband. I then texted the wife of his other friend, and surprise, she confirmed that her husband was at home and not going on any trip.

I pretended like I didn't know and said goodbye to my husband as usual. However, I had asked my retired uncle (65) to follow my husband's car. My husband does not know my uncle so I thought it was a good plan. My uncle followed him to the airport and took a picture of him walking with the neighbour girl. He followed them and said they checked into an airline with flights going to the Caribbean.

I thanked my uncle and gave him money for gas and his time, but he refused. I was obviously devastated and my son and I stayed with him and my aunt for the night. They advised me to find a good divorce lawyer right away.

When my husband came home Sunday night, I said I was filing for divorce. He acted really shocked and hurt and asked me why. I said I knew about his affair and I had proof, so he could stop acting stupid. He said I was mistaken. I then asked whether he enjoyed his beach vacation and the look on his face was just undeniable. I guess he finally realized he was backed in a corner and had no more lies left to tell.

I told him I just wanted to know why. He said that he was shy and insecure growing up, and that he had really low self-esteem. He said he "felt validated" by the attention of a younger woman, and said it made him feel "wanted". He admitted that it was a "crush gone wrong". I said there's no way I can trust him again. He said that's understandable and that he was sorry it has come to this. He said he probably made a mistake by marrying in his 20s, that some men were ready to settle down at that age but he realized that he was not one of them. He said that he still loved me though, but that it was best if we went our separate ways.

The shittiest part of all this is, he's staying at his mistress' condo a few doors down while we get our divorce. It will be a long few months, but I'm getting a good lawyer and making sure the future of my kids are secured. I also have a good support system around me. I'm planning on moving to another city after the divorce.

It will be awhile before I can learn to trust again. I've never hurt so much in my entire life. This level of betrayal from someone you thought was your soulmate is just indescribable. But I'm going to remain hopeful. Thanks for everyone's help and support. I wish it turned out different.

TL;DR: Had my uncle follow my husband, he lied about a golfing trip. He actually went to the Caribbean with his mistress.

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My boyfriend (30m) doesn’t want me (27f) to take a year off to travel.

Original Post Feb 27, 2019

At the risk of sounding like a #wanderlust Instagram influencer, I love to travel more than anything else. Exploring new cities for the first time, immersing myself in new cultures and meeting new people and trying new food...it all makes me happier than I can describe.

At the very top of my bucket list has always been to take a gap year and travel the world. I’ve been saving diligently for the past 5 years and finally reached my savings goal for the trip! 3 years ago I started dating my boyfriend, a wonderful man that I now live with. He also makes me ridiculously happy and is the man I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with.

But he doesn’t exactly agree with my gap year plan. He says long distance never works and a year is a long time to be apart, even if he manages to join me for a week or two. He’s also worried about the dangers of a woman traveling by herself, though I’ve traveled alone multiple times before and am no stranger to it. He says he loves me more than anything, but he thinks the strain of us being apart for so long and him constantly worrying about me could break even the strongest relationship. He also says the money I saved could be used to buy a house or wedding and start our life together.

I’m just so torn. This trip has been my dream for so long now, but now that dream involves returning home to him, and I’m just not sure if that’s possible. I feel like if I don’t go, this will be one of those things I look back on from my deathbed and regret the most. Then again, the same could be said for losing him.

EDIT: for what’s its worth, this plan is no surprise and I have always been vocal about it. He’s never encouraged it, but he didn’t tell me I shouldn’t go until it was time to buy the tickets. I assume he always thought I wouldn’t go through with it.

TLDR: I’ve been planning a gap year to travel the world for years now, but my boyfriend is worried the distance and strain will ruin us. I’m worried I may have to choose between him and my dream to take a year and travel.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

HiddenTurtles

> Are you quitting your job to travel? > > I love traveling and think it is great, but a year away from a man you love as much as you say you do is a long time. I think a compromise would be to take smaller trips. I traveled Europe for a month and had a great time, my boyfriend at the time (now husband) was nothing but supportive. > > This is a toughy because you lose something either way. What is more important to you? Traveling or your relationship?

OOP

>> Yes, I will be quitting my job. However, I have marketable skills, certifications, and networks in my field. I work in IT and although I know a year off will put my career behind, I also know I will find a new job when I get back. >> >> I’ve been taking smaller trips, but my vacation days don’t allow me to really take more than two weeks at a time. It can’t be compared with a whole year of traveling, the freedom that time would give me, and the number of places I would be able to see.

HiddenTurtles

> I know traveling is your dream. But he doesn't want you to. It sounds like you really want to. Are you okay with losing him to travel? That is the question you need to answer. > > If the answer is yes, then there you have it. If traveling is what you need to do, do it. Again, I think traveling is amazing. The world is a wonderful place. If you travel, definitely go to Switzerland and Austria as they are amazing! > > Honestly, neither answer is wrong. Being in a relationship, buying a house, getting married are not the be all end all of life. For some people that is the goal. But not everyone feels that way. If traveling feels your soul, that is totally okay.

OOP

>> I know I need to really consider wether I’m ok with losing my relationship over this. >> >> I just wish he would have made it clear earlier if this was a deal breaker. I’ve always been vocal about my plans and while he never really encouraged it, he also didn’t tell me I shouldn’t go until it was time to book my flights.

~

hahasadface

>Can you take a shorter trip as a compromise? 6 months instead?

OOP

>>I’ve actually been considering that a lot. I would be fine with a six month trip. I could still see a ton with that much time.

~

bananapancakez

>Also, OP are you living with bf right now? Do you have any pets or any slack he'd have to pick up while you're gone?

OOP

>> We live together, no pets >> >> I would still pay for my share of the rent, which is actually more than half of it, because we split bills as a percentage of incomes instead of right down the middle. I already have that money set aside.

Update March 4, 2019 (5 days later)

I had a long conversation with him the night after this post and tried to come to a compromise. I offered to cut my trip down to six months, with the plan of him joining me for the first 2.5 weeks, and then I would fly home to visit every 3-4 weeks after that. He asked if I would cut it down to 2, though I felt that quitting my job wasn't worth only 2 months of travel, and he agreed with that.

We both admitted that we had been inconsiderate. I expected him to be okay with essentially putting our relationship on hold for a year, and he apologized for never bringing up his feelings sooner and just assuming that I would never go through with my plans.

In the end, it wasn't this trip that broke us up. It was all of them.

He admitted to me that as much as he loves our travels in the past, traveling itself is starting to lose its shine for him. He wanted to focus on building his career and starting a family. He said he would love to still take an international trip every other year or so, but to places like the Caribbean or Europe, not the places still on my list like Argentina, Vietnam, and Kenya. I tried to convince myself that I would be okay with that. That I had seen enough of the world, and would be happier with him at home than abroad by myself. But it wasn't true. I know a lot of people won't understand choosing what they see as trips/vacations over a relationship with someone they love, but traveling is something I just can't give up. I would be restless and miserable without it.

Neither of us is wrong in this. We're just incompatible. After a long weekend of crying to my mom, I'm beginning to feel better about the decision. I know it's going to hurt for a long time, but I honestly believe this is what's best for us. And even though I don't plan on flirting and kissing my way across the world, I also feel lighter going on this trip without a boyfriend to constantly worry about and try to stay connected with.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. Now, I've got a flight to book!

TLDR: I had been planning a year-long trip for a few years now but my boyfriend became uncomfortable with the idea once it was time to start booking things. We tried to compromise, but couldn't because we had different visions of our futures and decided to break up.

FINAL COMMENTS

amumu94

>wtf dude what kind of job allowed u the savings to be able to travel for an entire yr?!!

OOP

>> Cyber security. >> >> It took years of savings though and living well below my means. A big portion of my travels will also be through south east Asia, where a dollar goes a long way.

~

Tina4Tuna

> It's good to see that you guys were able to handle this like adults. > > I'm not entirely sure about your choice though. You said he is the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, yet you are decided to change all the good stuff he is able to bring to your life for a year long experience. Was he really that great? Maybe he seemed great but he wasn't the one. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying plant the seed of doubt in you (like I'd be able to lmao). I'm just trying to put things into perspective. Then again, picking him over your "dream" would be giving up on something you've always wanted to do for somebody else. > > I don't think there's right or wrong here. Only time will tell! I just hope that you have a wonderful year traveling all over the world. Best of luck!

OOP

>> I appreciate your thoughts! It’s not just for this year-long experience though. Our ideas for the future are extremely different, and he doesn’t have any real desire to continue traveling at all. >> >> It’s not something he wants and it’s not something I can give up, so I don’t see how we could ever make it work.

[deleted]

>>>I thought you wrote he wanted to travel in the Caribbean and Europe? Have you visited these places a lot and are not looking for new adventures? I mean, Europe’s a pretty big place.

OOP

>>>> I have been all over Europe. I loved it, and I’d love to go back, but he made it clear that he wants his future travels to be a little less...adventurous. More along the tourist path and resorts in the tropics. >>>> >>>> If I had stayed with him, it would have limited my future travels to only a few select, comfortable countries once every few years. That’s not for me.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/opalspice

AITA for calling my friend desperate and leaving her by herself?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity, sexual harassment!<

Original Post Apr 13, 2021

I(21f) used to date this guy, Connor (25). Connor and I met through some mutual friends and dated for around 7 or 8 months. He broke up with me and immediately moved on with one of my best friends, Milly(28). It was hard to watch and it strained my relationship with Milly for a while. She'd constantly remind me they were dating, and at the time it was hurtful. However during that time I met my current boyfriend Matt(21). After Matt the comments stopped meaning anything and I was able to fully accept things. My feelings for Connor disappeared and eventually I was able to fully move on and be happy. I mended my relationship with Milly as well. I now live with Matt after about a year together. I wasn't able to introduce him to everyone, but I got around to it a few months ago.

The moment I introduced Matt, Milly began making the weirdest comments. Things like "Oooh, OP you and I have very similar tastes" and "Be nice to him or I might just have to take this one from you too!". It was super uncomfortable for both me and Matt, so I texted her after to let her know that the comments weren't appreciated or appropriate. She told our mutual friends about it and it was split between her being wrong and them telling me I was overreacting. She eventually apologized but the jokes continued, just more subtle. It was easy to brush them off.

She called me a few days ago begging us to come over. Apparently Connor had dumped her and she was having a mental breakdown in their apartment. We showed up, saw the place was a mess and told her to shower while we straightened up and ordered dinner. She calls for help from the shower, I go to help her and she's in her robe with it fully open, laying in the floor with her legs open. The second she sees me, she closes her robe and stands up like nothing happened. I didn't know what to think, but as the night went on it just got to be a lot. She wouldn't get dressed out her robe and kept "almost" exposing herself. It got a little late and she suggested I go home. I asked if she was okay with this, she said "yes", so I began to pack up with Matt. She asked if Matt could stay with her and I told her if she felt that unsafe alone, she should come home with us. She restated that she just needed Matt and I snapped. I called her a desperate little b*tch and left shortly after with Matt. She was crying when we left but I didn't care anymore. She kept calling us, but we refused to go back.

Yesterday we found out that she had a full meltdown after we left and didn't show up to work for 5 days. Her sister came to check on her and found the house an absolute mess. Milly told them we left her alone after she begged us to stay. I told our friends my side and most of them are saying I did the right thing. But her sister and some of our other friends are saying I'm an asshole for leaving her alone when she was clearly in crisis. Honestly I'm beginning to think I should've just sucked it up and held my tongue. AITA though?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TousBous

> Leaning toward NTA, but wondering if there might be some E S H-ness going on. > > Have you spoken to Matt about it? How does he feel about it? Was he super uncomfortable with the situation, or was he playing along? Did he want to stay with her? (He's a person and can make his own decisions, so you might be out of line for jumping in to answer for him, assuming you couldn't tell from his body language that he was ready to leave.)

OOP

>>He was confused as to why she needed him there. And when she said she just needed him there he told her straight out that he wouldn't be there without me.

~

Senator_Bink

> Is this for real? C'mon, you're not that dumb. > > But if this is, and you are, you're NTA.

OOP

>>I never thought she was this bad. She was a really good friend despite this and I honestly thought she just had a flirty personality. Reading all these comments is truly eye opening and I feel so stupid. It wasn't until that night where everything clicked.

~

commonwealthsynth

>I am shocked that you are still friends with this person, holy hell. How many times does she have to betray you for you to realize she isn't your friend?

OOP

>>To be honest, I didn't see her dating my ex as betrayal. I don't own him and they're both adults. It was weird, but I guess I didn't see it as unforgivable.

~

dopestmoose

>You... you think you should have just sucked it up and held your tongue... after you walked in on her propped up naked on the bathroom floor? Which was quite obviously for your poor boyfriend? You're NTA for leaving or calling her desperate - this is a fact, no matter how harsh it sounds... YWBTA if you ever saw her again, or ever exposed Matt again to this kind of clown show.

OOP

>>I didn't think it was for him in particular, she didn't call out his name, she just called for help. I rationalized it as her being embarrassed about falling naked. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

~

blondieguyon_

>Kinda unrelated but what did you and your ex break up over? sounds like it isnt her first time trying to steal your boyfriend.

OOP

>>He said our relationship was pretty much done. He never went into detail, just told me that he didn't feel much for me and didn't wanna drag it out. Two weeks later they were dating.

TOP COMMENT

[deleted]

> NTA at all. She is way out of line and inappropriate. In all honesty I don't think this friendship is healthy and you should end it. > > She had every intention of trying to have sex with your current boyfriend. > > Does she need help? Probably. Are you responsible to get her that help at risk of your own mental health and relationships? HELL NO. > > Her sister and her family need to take care of her. Not you and if her sister contacts you again. Tell her her sister is her problem.

OOP Updated the post Apr 14, 2021 (Next Day)

Edit: Thank you to everyone who responded. This whole thing has been eye opening and I feel so dumb for believing this woman ever cared about me. I thought her good could outshine the bad, but it's not enough. Ironically enough I had a bit of a meltdown of my own today. I cried for a few hours after posting and reading everything and I apologized to Matt for keeping her in our lives. He forgave me and we called Milly and told her we were done. I dropped off all her belongings I had in my car/at my apartment this morning and blocked her on all social media. I told my friends the whole story, even with all the embarrassment I felt. Everyone but Milly's sister and friends were in agreement that she isn't who we thought she was at all. I also - with Matt's permission and encouragement, confronted Connor. I asked if he had done anything with Milly while we were together and he denied it. I don't believe him but I refuse to dwell. I'm moving on with my life. Thank you all so much for your help!

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/JoeS456

I (27M) Have Unknowingly Been Using My GF's (27F) Ex's Molded Dildo to Get Her Off

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Body shaming, self esteem issues, emotional infidelity, erectile dysfunction!<

Original Post Dec 8, 2018

Hi,

A little background: I have been with my GF for a little over a year now. We both have a kinky side to us and have an active sex life. Early on in the relationship, we talked about our kinks and whatnot. She said she was into toys (dildos and vibrators) among other things (porn, spanking, etc). This was music to my ears as i tend to suffer from premature ejaculation and incorporating toys is another way to make sure a girl can get off. So, I offered to go to the nearest adult store and pick out a couple of things. She suggested we could go together one day, but in the meantime, we can use the few she already has.

Well, the one toy she really like getting off on is a big, thick dildo. Usually we would use some toys, she could finish on the dildo and I would have sex with her. I was somewhat intimidated by the size of it (as it is significantly larger and thicker than me) and I'm smaller than average, but, like I said, I've got a kinky side and she really seemed to enjoy how big it was. We used this dildo on many occasions. A couple of weeks ago, while drinking I asked her where she got it and if it is a porn star mold. She kind of laughed and deflected. It seemed weird to me so I kept asking. She eventually admitted it is a mold of her ex-boyfriend's penis.

I was kind of floored. I've used toys on partners in the past. And when we broke up, I have thrown them out. Not only did she keep a dildo molded from her ex-boyfriend's penis, she was having me use it on her to get off. Since she told me this, I have felt humiliated. I asked her why she wouldn't have thrown it out, but she kept changing the subject and said she didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I feel like this is a huge violation of trust and respect. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to deal with the topic. I have rejected he advances once since the talk and a business trip has eaten up some of the time. We will be together this weekend and I am sure sex will be on the radar for her. I'm not sure how I should handle this.

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EDIT: Thanks for all of the responses. I will have a conversation with her tonight.

Update 1 Dec 10, 2018 (2 days later)

So, we had the talk. My relationship is over. After some awkwardness, and a couple glasses of wine late Saturday, I brought it up. She again tried to deflect and change the subject, but I demanded we stay on topic. I told her outright how I felt, how I thought this was disrespectful and dishonest on her part, etc. She tried to play it off like I was being immature and this wasn't a big deal. Then she spun it into a penis size issue. I kept trying to tell her that the bigger problem is using a dildo molded from her Ex-BF and NOT the fact that it was bigger than me, but she kept going with the accusations. I told her I wouldn't have had an issue if she wanted a big toy and I was down for anything, but it feels she has a weird, emotional connection to this dildo.

The conversation then took an uglier turn as she was outright say I have a small penis, premature ejaculation issues, etc. I knew there wasn't any way this was going to get settled in an adult manner, so I outright told her the relationship was over.

Thanks for the overwhelmingly supportive comments in my original post. They were helpful and confirmed my feelings. Now I guess I will have to deal with the humiliation of my ex telling people why we broke up. I'm sure she will spin it as a size issue.

&#x200B;

EDIT: Thank you (again) for the overwhelming support. It would impossible to answer all of the messages I received. I believe I made the right decision and will become a stronger person because of this. Your kindness and support is truly appreciated.

Update 2 June 14, 2019 (6 months later)

Well, it's been half a year or so since the original posts and I wish I could tell you guys that everything worked out well. It has not. Unfortunately, my ex-GF went full high school, psycho immature after the break up and my fears have been realized.

After we broke up, she texted a bunch of friends and family members, telling them I broke up with her because I have a small penis and that I am insecure. For those of you that read the original posts, you know that is not the issue. She would also leave me drunken, slurred messages telling me not to be ashamed of my size. These messages were clearly meant to mock me. I hit the bottle hard for a while after the breakup and was missing work and social functions. I've pulled myself together over the last 2 or 3 months and even started seeing a girl. Unfortunately, this issue won't go away.

Two weeks ago, I brought this new girl to a local bar I used to frequent. Sure enough, I ran into my ex-GF and her new, muscle-bound, Affliction wearing douche bro boyfriend. Myself and the new girl were set up in the booth towards the back of the bar, and I had to walk past the table with my ex and her new BF. I didn't know how to react and decided ignoring her was best, as the relationship certainly did not end on good terms. It became apparent that they were already drunk and were now aware of my presence. I'll skip the complete rundown, but they started a verbal escalation that came very close to being physical. The bartender called the police who came, but as there were no fists thrown or damage, they basically just told all of us to go our separate ways.

I then got to have an awkward conversation with the new girl and explain all of the background info. She has been nothing but kind and understanding. Here's where the new problem starts:

Last week was finally time to seal the deal with her. We have been out on several dates. She told me she wanted to take things slow, didn't want to hook up right away, that she was looking for a BF, not a fling, etc. All of that is great as I really want to be in a relationship with a kind, loving person. When it came time for sex, I couldn't get it up. I cannot get my ex-GF's insults and actions out of my mind. Last night, same ED problem. The new girl has been very cool about this, but it has completely destroyed me. Again.

&#x200B;

How do I go forward? Should I just ghost everyone? Move to a new city, get a new job, literally cut people out of my life? How can a past relationship ruin this one? I'm at a loss. I have no idea how to proceed.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MellowYellow435

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My daughter treats me like shit and worships her dead deadbeat dad

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!schizophrenia, mentions of drug addiction, death of a loved one!<

Original Post: October 27. 2025

Throwaway account because she knows my main.

My kids' dad died nine years ago when my daughter was 13. She's now 22. She worships his memory and often treats me very poorly.

I know I make a lot of mistakes, but he was an abusive drug addict who put us through hell. I was able to sheild her from a lot of it which I am so thankful for, but it means she has very little understanding of all of the awful shit he did.

I've never said a bad word about him and I'm glad that she'll always have a perfect father instead of the deadbeat she would have eventually realized he was. It still sucks that I have to take the brunt of her anger and trauma cause I'm here, an imperfect human, while he gets to be forever faultless.

I'll always be there for her. Imperfect, but here still. I love her more than words can express. Some days are just really hard.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I think your daughter is old enough to know the truth, she is an adult. It might be the only thing that can save your relationship because she is living in a delusion that’s is making her angrier and angrier. Once kids know what their parents went through they begin to see them as real people and not just parents, she might be angry at first, but she needs her one living parent so she has to let go of the dead one, the false idea she has of him.

> OOP: I don’t disagree with you, but I can't get her there. She would just resent me more. I'm hopeful she'll get there on her own eventually. All I can really do right now is be here for her when she's ready.

Commenter 2: You don't need to tell her. What's that going to do? People act like she'll automatically switch and start worshipping you and hating her dad. She's still young and give her time to figure it out.

> OOP: Thank you. The situation is far more complex than I can put into a few paragraphs, especially if I want to keep it anonymous. > > Most days are better than yesterday. I was just feeling down and needed to vent about the unfairness of it all for a minute. Today has been much better

Commenter 3: How much does she even know? You might have done an extra good job shielding her from the ugly truth.

> OOP: She knows enough to put the pieces together once she's willing. She'll get there when she's ready

&nbsp;

Update: April 19, 2026 (nearly six months later)

Update: My daughter treats me like shit and worships her dead deadbeat dad

I posted a few month ago about my daughter treating me terribly while nearly deifying her dead dad, who was extremely abusive while he was alive.

Over the next few weeks, she became more and more hostile to me. She would also tell me about extremely concerning decisions she was making and was starting to sound more and more unstable. She lives on her own 30 minutes away near the state university so it was very difficult for me to give her the little bit of help she would allow.

Long story short, she ended up in inpatient care where she was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia. She is now medicated and is doing so much better, though still struggling in many ways. Turns out all of the hostility towards me was based on delusions she was having about me. Now that she is medicated we are back to talking nearly every day.

I love her so much. I am so scared for what the future will hold for her. This is such a scary diagnosis and it has not been all smooth sailing, but I'm also just glad to understand what was happening to her and to be able to get her the support and care she needs.

To the people who declared I was clearly a terrible mother and they knew exactly why my daughter hated me, who demanded I tell her "the truth" immediately: please let this be a lesson to you. If I had listened to your advice, my daughter might very well be dead right now. Life is not a movie where there are always easy, obviously correct answers and nothing bad will ever happen if you just do things the "right" way.

When in doubt, choose to be kind. You don't know the whole story. You dont know the "perfect" solution. Life is not as easy as reddit commentors make it seem.

TLDR: It was Schizophrenia.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update here

Top Comments

Commenter 1: That is a scary diagnosis but so happy she found help. Sending hugs.

Commenter 2: As a psychologist, I want to assure you that considering the fact that it seems like she got her diagnosis fairly quickly after the first onset of symptoms and the meds are helping, she may be able to live a normal life IF she sticks to taking her meds and meeting with her doctor and ideally a psychologist to accept her diagnosis. Schizophrenia can cause brain damage during psychotic breaks, so I really hope that she keeps taking her medication. <3 Hugs!

Commenter 3: she's lucky to have you, miss. I hope the best for you and your daughter <3

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Plastic_Eagle7784

Originally posted to r/AmITheJerk

Would I be the Jerk if I told on my sister for cheating?

Trigger Warnings: >!manipulation, threats, domestic abuse, victim blaming!<

Original Post: March 1, 2026

Throwaway because you’ll see

I walked in on my sister with a man at a restaurant and they were holding hands and kissing. She panicked when she saw me and started crying.

She begged me not to tell anyone and that she would leave her AP, who looked very angry at both of us. She said she couldn’t hurt her husband and to give her time to do it in her own time and that she is ending her affair. Her AP said that if I told on them they will be together, so she is really not hurting them but their loved ones. My sister looked angrily at him and told him to stfu and leave. Then she begged me to stay out of it and in return she promised to never see this dude again. She immediately left before my company arrived. I told my bf everything and he said stay out of it

(editor’s note: OOP made the next two updates throughout the day)

Update #1: So I texted my sister that she had 2 weeks to tell her husband but didn’t and that I will tell him now. She didn’t answer me and left me on read

This is what I want to send him

“I am sorry to do this, but you should ask (sister’s name) about a guy named (his name) and about the time I saw her having dinner with him the day before valentine. I am sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I wasn’t sure, but I would have wanted to know if this happened to me and you’re like a brother to me”

Does this sound good?

Update 2: So my sister just answered me (after almost 2 hours on read) after I sent the text to her husband.

“Sweetheart, please don’t tell him yet. I promise to tell him. I already ended my relationship. I don’t have any money to leave yet, and he will take away my credit cards if he finds out. All I want is some time and I will come clean. I swear”

So I told her that I already texted him everything. She only wrote “he will kill me, please don’t tell him. I ended my relationship. Don’t worry about stds I am clean and my husband hasn’t touched me in years” because I told her it was unfair if he caught a std because of her affairs

I didn’t answer her, then she texted again “you really told him? He will hurt me, please don’t tell him yet. I will tell him, but I need money” I texted that I already sent him the text and that it was on read now. She answered “he will kill me”

Then I told my bf and he started yelling at me about how he told me not to get involved and called me a stupid cow and left and now he doesn’t answer my calls.

So this is my update. Didn’t expect things to escalate tonight already.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Give her a couple days to tell him herself. If she doesn’t, that man deserves to know either way. Your sister is a terrible person

> OOP: This happened 2 weeks ago

Commenter 2: How long were you with your b/f? At no point did he say “I think your sister is being abused? “ or “are you sure your sister is ok?”

> OOP: He said it once if I remember correctly about a year ago during Christmas. If my sister was okay because he saw my brother in law grabbing her face. I was surprised so I went to check and they were where he said they were but laughing and talking. I told him that and he said alright your in law is a bit of a douchebag

Commenter 3: This is messy but lowkey your bf is right. Stay out of it. You didn’t cheat. You didn’t lie. You just accidentally unlocked a side quest you never signed up for. If you tell, you blow up her marriage and your relationship with her. If you don’t, you’re carrying info that isn’t yours to fix.

> OOP: My bf doesn’t like her husband. Not sure why but they don’t get along

OOP on the location where this took place

> OOP: It was an Italian restaurant. I was meeting my friends on a girl’s valentines day, and she was there intertwined with a stranger, this happened the day before valentine

Commenter 4: OP, if the roles were reversed, and your sister knew that your boyfriend was cheating on you and didn’t tell you how would you feel? Or how would you feel if she did tell you? This is honestly a no wind situation for you, so you have to go with your heart.

> OOP: Of course I would want to know

Commenter 5: Well, this is a hard one. YIKES. How close are the two of you. Is this a surprise, given her past and history? Are there kids involved?

> OOP: We are not very close since she’s 7 years older than me, but she’s been my idol and role model growing up. No I was very shocked about it I would never have believed it from her since she’s very shy and sweet. My sister doesn’t have children. Her AP has small children

OOP on if her sister's AP would leave his family

> OOP: He did leave his family

Commenter 6: So you’re fine with her potentially being hurt by her boyfriend because she’s a cheater, is this correct? Like you can’t stand the idea of this guy being cheated on unknowingly, god FORBID. But if your sister, who you love and grew up with, ends up in the hospital or the morgue? Oh well. What?! YTJ for that detail alone (unless you can say with 100% certainty that she’s lying I guess). It doesn’t necessarily seem that uncommon for people in abusive relationships to find comfort outside that relationship, so I have absolute sympathy for her if that’s how it actually is in this situation. I actually think that’s like the one time cheating is fine to me. Reddit has me messed tf up every time I log in. Lmao

> OOP: Apparently she’s not lying. But I never knew. Nobody knew. Just my bf suspected because he recognized the signs with his mom and dad’s relationship I already knew he never liked him, but he never told me why. That’s why he left when he saw her texts and he ended things with me and he doesn’t answer his phone

Commenter 7: Are there things about your BIL that you don't know? Like, have you ever suspected that he is physically abusive to her? Or has your sister ever hinted this before? There are complicated reasons why people cheat, sometimes. The damage is done, though.

> OOP: No never. She never hinted and I never saw anything

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Update: April 22, 2026 (over 1.5 months later)

Update: my sister has left her husband and is together with her AP now

Thanks for still asking about me. My bf and I are broken up now. He refuses to speak to me. I have not talked to my sister more than once since that happened. I found out that my bf went to my sister’s house and arrived 15 minutes before her husband and apparently it was a good thing according to my sister because he saw my bf and didn’t do anything to her and she packed her stuff and left. She didn’t tell anyone where she went but it was at my ex-bf’s parents. She is planning on moving away. Not sure what that means for her AP because he has children and I don’t know how the custody arrangement works.

My parents are a bit cold towards me. Told me I should have talked to them. But they seem happy for my sister. I don’t feel well about any of this. I lost my bf whom I still love. I feel very lonely.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You are blaming everyone else for your actions. You got involved in something that did not concern you and your liking your sisters husband is not a valid reason for inserting yourself into their private business, people have no idea what goes on in someone else’s marriage.

Your sister could have been dealing with dv, her husband may have anger issues, you could have put her in serious danger all because you didn’t want to stay out of her business.

I have never known a situation where only one person is to blame, it takes two people to keep a relationship going and the same two people to allow it to fall apart.

When you get the urge to butt into someone’s business again, resist the urge.

> OOP: She never said anything about it > >> Commenter 1: Is your comment is in reference to dv? Because 52% of dv victims do not report it, not even to family. Dv victims are groomed by their abusers not to say anything, or it will get worse for them, and they know it’s true because reporting it without the financial ability to get to a safe place often leads to death. >> >> Over 1200 women are killed annually by her intimate partner. Over half of all female homicide victims in the U.S. are killed by a current or former male intimate partner. >> >> If your comment is about challenges in their marriage that she didn’t tell you about, I have to say, I wouldn’t tell you either, you obviously can’t mind your own business. >> >> I don’t see how you can be surprised your bf left you, how does he trust you after he asked you not to do something and you totally disregarded him and did it anyway. >> >> I’m not surprised by your parent’s reaction either, they clearly saw something you weren’t in-tuned enough to notice or your sister talked to them because she could trust them. >> >> You brought this on yourself and have nobody to blame but yourself. You got your karma when you decided you knew more about your sister’s business than she did and even after being told by your sister that you would be putting her in danger, you did it anyway. >> >> Thank goodness your ex-bf was aware enough to go to her house and smart enough to then get himself out of a relationship where there is no trust. >>> >>> OOP: My parents didn’t know either. Nobody knew she was in an abusive marriage, and it makes it harder for me to understand why you cheat on someone as violent as her soon to be ex is. Very reckless. I wish she told us and left him before starting a relationship with a married man

Commenter 2: It sounds like she was being abused by her husband. I understand wanting to reveal what's happening.

Your Ex sounds too involved... but also like he knew that her husband was dangerous?

A plan where he is told and protect your sister from being physically abused may have been necessary and that's why your ex told you to stay out of it...

I feel like you left out some things to make it seem more righteous than it was...

Obviously, your sister is a cheater, her soon to be ex-husband deserved to know... but if there was a danger to her wellbeing, then that needed to be considered and accounted for.

> OOP: I didn’t leave anything out. Unfortunately everything came out later when my sister left her husband

Commenter 3: My interpretation of your initial post was that a year ago, your EX told you he saw something abusive between your sis and husband, and you skipped past that because you didn’t see it yourself. Do you consider yourself a perceptive person? Only you can answer that. Like you, I also care deeply about doing the right thing, but if I had any doubt about possible abuse, I wouldn’t have sent the text. At least without connecting with her and your parents. Good luck to you. It sounds like you felt you were in an impossible place…. But there is a heavy cost, I guess.

> OOP: Yes I don’t remember all the details now, but he said that they didn’t know someone was watching and her husband had strange demeanor and grabbed her and she looked scared then they noticed my exbf and both looked normal again

Commenter 4: Sounds like your ex was too involved in your sister’s life. It’s one thing for him to want you to stay out of it, but another to show up at her place, invite her to stay with his parents and such. Are you sure there was nothing going on between them?

> OOP: He isn’t. More than he said he recognized his parents relationship. Now my sister lives with his mom and her husband

Commenter 5: The bf saw the dv op’s sister was being subjected to, bf’s mother was a dv survivor and is helping the sister get out of a horrific situation. Women helping women.

> OOP: Apparently not only him but his parents too, well his mom and step dad. Apparently he’s been telling his mom about my sister and her marriage since he and I met. There’s nothing romantic going on if that’s what you’re suggesting. My sister is way older than is and she has a partner. My bf has no interest in her either

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/UnderstandingThis430

Terminally ill and racking up credit card debt with zero fucks to give

Original Posted to r/confession

Original Post [April 9 2025]

I’ve had cancer for 2 years now, did chemo, lost my leg, beat odds and managed to even go back to work, well shit hit the fan and treatment stopped working. Probably got weeks, maybe couple months at best. I am 22, don’t own a house, don’t own my car. Have maybe £2k in the bank. So I took out a credit card, 6.5k limit, 0% APR for 20 months. (I was previously building up a good credit score) and am now buying whatever the fuck I want. The debt will die with me, and I give no fucks.

And if you want to beef me about driving your bank fees up with this behaviour, at least you get to live. lol

EDIT:: Thank you all for your amazing responses. Unfortunately it’s bone cancer that has spread through my whole body, so I’m too weak now to travel far, as much as I would have wanted to see the world.

I’m going to go bigger, and do some good stuff, if you have ideas. I want to do some big donations to food banks and cancer charities that supported me through my journey and make some differences before I pop.

Alsos shame on you all of you asking me for money.

UPDATE 2:

Took out some more cards, thanks for the suggestions

Some of you asking, I’m a girl haha

I’ve bought lots of things for my family, mostly sentimental things with my handwriting on.

I bought a crab at a fancy ass seafood place. That was awesome

I’ve donated to animal shelters and food banks. Also to the cancer charities who helped drag my ass through this.

Also can y’all stop telling me to find Jesus, I respect those of you who are praying for me, because I know that’s your way of thinking of me and I’m really touched by that.

But finding god is in no way in my plans and not what I believe will happen after death, trying to force religion down a dying persons throat is really not the vibe.

Update 3:

Still hanging on, I’ve deteriorated quite a lot now, lost a lot of functionality in my body at this point so I’m bedbound and mostly just watching lots of TV and seeing family. But I’m comfortable, eating apples and cheese and lots of little treats. Thank you all for still checking in and thinking of me.

I’m really fortunate to be surrounded by my friends and family right now, when you boil it all down to it in the end, it really is all you need.

Anyway I’ll try update again soon. ✌️

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

> Sorry everyone, I feel like I should update on my fun happy times

> I have taken your advice and took some more cards out, live laugh love amarite

> Random purchases include

> Jewellery with my handwriting for my family

> £360 lunch of fresh, English crab. I really like crab, and the cancer is in my jaw so I really wanted to have some good crab before I lose function in my jaw.

> 3 jellycats, the frog ones. I’ve never owned a jellycat and wanted to know what it was like to be boujie enough to buy a BIG jellycat

> some really comfy trousers

> a hand knitted blanket for my niece

> £1000 of food for my local food bank.

> I took my brothers to the arcade for a whole day and played every game

> took my family to my favourite place - Weymouth

> went into a candy store and bought one quart of everything

> a minted lamb pasty

> I’m very nostalgia driven, and yeah definitely not going feral enough, however will endeavour for more.

> I do hear you all suggesting hard drugs and psychotics! I won’t lie I’ve been on pretty much every drug going through this fun time so I’m not too fussed about drugs haha.

~

Tracie10000

> I'm going to remember you. I promise you that. Sometimes, I just know I'm going to remember people who I spoke to or messaged. Even if I don't know their names, and I do remember them.

> I lost my little brother to cancer when he was 5. So I've always known how precious life is. I've grown up knowing it.

> You are a girl who deserves to be remembered.

> I don't expect you to tell me your name. But is there anything you would like me to think of you as?

> Obviously you are a kick ass warrior princess but I don't know if remembering you as credit card girl is right. You are so much more than that.

OOP

> I’ve told my friends to think of me when something slightly unhinged happens in their life, cause I’m hoping my energy just turns to chaos.

~

-2wenty7even-

> Hey bro.. you do your fucking thing and enjoy the time you have left. I'm not kidding when I say this, I wish I was terminal. I've been avoiding a serious growth because I want it to spread. Have had GAD and depression since middle school, good looking guy, always making people laugh and doing good for others, athletic and excel at almost everything I do... but I don't want to exist - for the longest time. And people don't understand why, hell neither do I..

> I'm sorry that you are going through this but you should definitely try some psychedelics and also make a bucket list. Run up that debt, take chances, go crazy bro. Live a 100 lives in the limited time you have. I won't lie in a way you made me think maybe I should change it up a little bit... Your one post is already impacting lives. Peace and love brother.

OOP

> It’s strangely liberating. I’d been “fighting” for so long. Finally letting it run its course now.

> It’s peaceful actually, I’ve done everything I wanted to do.

Update January 18 2026 (9 Months Later) by u/infinityangel26 - Her twin Sister

(UPDATE 4 from her twin sister)

I managed to track down this post whilst going through her phone and saw it blow up. She passed away peacefully in July, surrounded by her family, dogs and multiple credit cards.

She did a lot of good, including buying refurbs for local primary and pre-schools and making a lot of improvements in the community.

To those saying it would be passed to us: no, it was wiped and cleared. She had no inheritance, not a penny to her name since she was only 22 and didn’t have those adult things like life insurance or mortgages.

Thank you for all your support - she really kept this one hidden!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/rulesrulesrules7

Me [25 F] with my boyfriend [25 M] duration 7 months. My boyfriend is very jealous and keeps making "rules" for me to follow

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Abusive behavior, controlling behavior, gaslighting, manipulation, verbal abuse, infidelity!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!An amazing ending for OOP!<

Original Post Apr 4, 2015

Hello, everyone. I have a bit of a weird predicament to share with you. I have been dating my boyfriend ("Peter") for about 7 months now. When we get along, we get along spectacularly. Our chemistry is off the charts, we're playful, we're both driven, we have similar interests (same career path, both read for leisure, both interested in exercise). I've been told by many friends that they can just sense how much we care about each other and that we have the same disposition: calm, relaxed, sweet. If not for the following stuff, I would be head over heels for him. Hell, I already am when he's not acting this way.

So this stuff started happening about a month in. Peter is an extremely jealous person. He's admitted this to me. He can also be a bit judgmental and conservative. The following is a list of things he's asked me to do for him throughout the course of our relationship. I haven't asked for anything like this in return and I've even asked him if he feels like I've done the same and he's said no:

• No cursing.

• No low-cut shirts.

• No weed (not a big deal, I've smoked < 10 times and was okay with giving this up for him).

• He prefers me to not get "drunk." Not a big deal, I don't drink a lot, but it kind of sucks that I can never let loose and get tipsy with my friends without a comment from him.

• No perverted jokes: with him, or anyone else. He says the jokes would be funny if a guy said them but they're not funny when I do it.

• No using a joking "little kid" voice with friends - even girls.

• No talking about other guys around him because he thinks I'm trying to make him jealous.

• No talking about past relationships, even though he does this.

• No emoticons in texts with other guys.

• No exclamation points or sounding "too flirty or happy" when talking to guys.

• Audibly say "goodbye" when we part ways.

• Verbally greet him, even if I'm late to class.

• No speaking to male friends on the telephone or texting after 10 pm at night.

• Text him when I leave my apartment and I'm on the way to school.

• This isn't a specific rule, but if I don't text him for 3-4 hours during the day, he'll say "Oh, hi there, silent one. What have you been up to?"

• He likes me to stop by his study space when I get to school, before class, after class, and before I leave at the end of the day. He's stopped by my space less than 10 times in our 7 months together.

• He asks me if I'm "behaving" when we're not together physically.

• We've had a bit of a power struggle when I've wanted to go out with my group of friends.

• There is a structured timetable of how much I'm allowed to talk to my ex. We broke up two years ago and a half and had a year of silence. Recently, we've been speaking on facebook. (He doesn't have my phone number). It's random stuff about our undergraduate. Just friendly stuff, lighthearted. I'm only allowed to talk to him once every three weeks for 10-15 minutes. If he facebooks me and it's been outside those three weeks, I'm not supposed to respond. He still gets mad even when the ex facebooks me.

• I'm not supposed to "flirt" with members of the opposite sex. I don't. However, he's seen interactions between guys and me and it appears he thinks that anything along the lines of smiling, laughing, or sarcasm are grounds for flirting. He "doesn't like" easily 80% of the guys I interact with on a regular basis.

There have been a few incidents that have bothered me in the time we've been together. In the interest of time, the most recent problem he and I have been having is my friend named James. James graduated last year from the program that Peter and I are in together. He's a big brother type to me. He was an assigned TA for the class I was in and I went to a study group he led. We became friends. We've been friends for three years and nothing has ever happened and neither James nor I have ever shown any interest in it. We just have similar political views and give each other dating advice on occasion. James came to visit the school and he and I got together for lunch while he was here. He was here for 3 days and I saw him once for only an hour. Before he visited, we texted back and forth maybe once every ten days. Since he visited, it's been 2-3 times a week, about 10 texts at a time. Nothing outrageous. I imagine it'll start lessening when it's been longer since his visit and exams approach. He's in a new city without a lot of friends and I enjoy talking to him. Because he's working, he usually texts me on Saturday and Sunday more than the work week.

James texted me last Saturday morning. I didn't answer so he followed up with a text on Sunday. We chatted briefly about a TV show. Then he texted me again this Saturday to tell me about his date the night before. This has been driving Peter up the wall. He's demanded to see the texts back and forth. Even though I strongly object to this, as I think it's an invasion of privacy only 7 months in, I let him see all the texts. There was nothing inappropriate there (this is where the "no emoticon" rule came from though). However, Peter says that James is a "shark" and is only friends with me because he wants to date me. This is ridiculous because James and I have no feelings towards each other, act more like siblings, and are going to be living in different states for the rest of our lives. Peter causes a fight EVERY time he notices James texting me or gets pouty and silent until I ask him what's wrong, then we fight.

About two hours ago, Peter gave me another rule. He wants me to arrange it so James only texts me once a week. No word yet on how many texts I would be "allowed" to exchange with him. He also says he doesn't want us talking about "intimate things." When I asked him what that entailed, he brought up that he was mad that I told James that I was going to take a nap in the last conversation we had. I only told James that as a conversation-ender so he wouldn't wonder why I wasn't responding. Peter just seems unreasonable.

I guess, here's the big problem. I feel like Peter gets mad about something, fights with me until I'm worn down, then comes up with a "compromise" which is really just him imposing another rule on me. There was a guy who liked me at the beginning of the year that I eventually just had to block on my phone because Peter got so mad about it. He's asked me twice to show him that the guy is really blocked. He really is. Same thing happened with the ex and I know his end game is me never speaking to the ex again. Peter had a jealousy issue with my friend Rob and wore me down to the point that I basically just avoid Rob now (Rob even approached to ask if I was mad at him and apologize for whatever he did).

I just feel like this is going to keep happening over and over. I never get the benefit of the doubt, James is constantly afraid I'm going to be "stolen" and I feel like I teeter-totter between wanting to give him what he asks so he'll feel comfortable and feeling like it will never be enough. I feel like a caged animal. I'm afraid every time James texts me or any guy speaks to me in front of Peter. I like him so much but this jealousy is driving me crazy. I'm also afraid if we're together, I'm going to get to the point where I'm not allowed to be friendly with 50% of the population. I'm in danger of losing a total of 3 good, respectful guy friends, all of which I've known for longer than Peter. (I knew Rob for two years, James for 3, and the ex for nearly 6).

I'm not a bad person or a bad girlfriend and I'm tired of being treated this way. We fight at least weekly, sometimes twice a week, over an issue like this. I just want it to stop and to be with the person I fell so hard for. But I also don't want to end up in a controlling relationship with someone who can't manage their jealousy.

Any advice? Ever been on his side or mine? He's already going to a counselor but our school only provides one every two weeks and he missed his last appointment. He's open to couple's counseling but I don't know if there's a point 7 months in. Because he missed the last appointment, he hasn't brought up the jealousy thing with his counselor yet. He's willing to read books on this topic but I feel like the problem is that he won't start to get better until he really trusts me and wants to change. He says that he does but then he keeps doing this stuff.

tl;dr: Very jealous boyfriend continually gives me "rules." Sample list above (not all of them). Any ideas on how to make him more comfortable? Is this fixable? Have you been on either side of something like this?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MeltMyCheeseKThxBai

> You just presented us with a literal bullet point list of why you need to break the fuck up with him, ASAP. > > PETER is the shark here. And actually, you're right- this WILL keep happening over and over. Not only will it keep happening, but it will keep escalating. Here is a list for you, and I will call it "Soon." > > - Soon, you will be afraid to walk around while looking anywhere but the ground because you don't want to be accused of purposely making eye contact with someone. > > - Soon, you will compliantly give him access to all of your stuff to placate him and he will peruse your personal stuff regularly; many confrontations will result about your "infractions" and he will spring them on you at inconvenient times. > > - Soon, you will not be allowed to interact or be friendly with anyone who isn't on his approved list; this will eventually include your family. > > - Soon, while you're constantly on eggshells afraid to be accused of cheating, you will find out that he actually cheated on you. Maybe with one of those exes he likes to talk about. Because, you see, these types are so paranoid about cheating because they are cheaters and think everyone else will cheat too. > > - Soon, if you have a job, he will be asking about your coworkers and maybe even show up there for a "surprise inspection". Don't be surprised if soon, additionally, he starts the practice of keeping you up all night fighting and not letting you sleep when he knows you have to work. > > - Soon, you will stop butting heads about you going out with friends. This is because he will make your every attempt so miserable that you will give up to make things "easier". > > - Soon, you will be but a shell of your former self and will wonder who the fuck that is staring at you in the mirror. > > - Soon, he may become violent. He likely won't until he has effectively removed your support systems (friends and family) but eventually he damn near certainly will. > >I hope that SOON you heed the warnings and get the fuck away from this lunatic before he ruins you. Seriously, you have to get this. This is very, very bad. He will not change no matter how much counseling he gets. You modifying your behavior will NEVER change his. He is fucking dangerous and you need to end it with him NOW before he gets the chance to employ more advanced tactics on you. You are in dire need of these two books; "The Gift of Fear" and "Why Does He Do That?" I beg you, read them. Please seriously get the fuck away from this person. > > Edit: More stuff coming Soon to a relationship near you (will add as I think of them): > > - Soon, he will call you "slut" and/or "whore" for the first time because "he told you not to wear that shirt". You will get upset. You also will never wear that shirt again.

OOP

>> I don't live near my family but there was a time last weekend where I was texting my family about a basketball game. We were cuddling on the couch and he took the phone away and said "Babe, can we just have 'us' time? We've been fighting all day and I just want to be with you." So that might be eminent. >> >> We fought today after James texted me about his date last night. I've been sick with a 101+ fever the past two days and cuddling with my childhood stuffed animal. He picked her up and acted like he was going to rip her arm off because he "wanted to scare me" and "see what I would do." I had to stop myself from kicking him. I've had the animal since I was 5 and she's from my dead grandmother. I don't know what I would do if she was broken. When I got her back, I tried to kick Peter out and he wouldn't leave. I ended up throwing his shoes and keys into the hallway and pushing him out the door. >> >> He took me out to lunch and then went back to the library. Now he's mad that we're going to bed angry. This was one of the texts I got this afternoon: "I know you don't want to hurt his (meaning James) feelings by telling him to take it easy on texts but you need to consider your boyfriend's feelings about this guy texting you so often every week. What he is doing is crossing my boundary. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings so I get you might not want to tell him flat out to stop texting. There are other ways. The main point is that this is too much and it is crossing a line of mine. I think once a week might be ideal and if we could reach that, it would ease my feelings. I ask that you consider my feelings. In return, I will make sure my jealousy does not lead me to imposing boundaries. You can tell him the truth: that he is crossing my boundaries and I ask that he respects me. I am being reasonable. All of our fights the last few weeks have been about this. If this goes away, then we both win and we can stay together happier." >> >> When I asked him what he's ever done in exchange for what I've given up, he said that he went through a phase of criticizing me and he's gotten better. That that was real change. Then he told me that I mean the world to him and he wouldn't go out of his way to try and fix our issues if he didn't care about me and being together for the future. I told him I wanted a break.

Update May 1, 2015 (1 month later)

Hi, all. Sorry that I dropped off and stopped responding all the sudden. I want to take a moment to sincerely thank you all for the outpouring of support and kindness that you showed me after my original post. I've read every single comment and PM probably 4 times and watched every lecture that was sent my way. I also went and picked up a book two days ago about controlling relationships which was recommended to me by a few redditors. I've read 160 pages so far.

Honestly, I'm so turned around in this relationship that I don't know what's happening anymore. I do think that this relationship has some disturbingly manipulative and controlling elements coming from Peter. We've had several incidents in the last four weeks which have been very disheartening. Here are a sample:

• I went out to happy hour with friends - a guy and girl that are engaged to each other - at 5 pm while Peter studied. I guess he assumed we were eating dinner together because we eat most of our meals together. He didn't confirm that though. He knew where I was going and who I was with. I put my phone away because my friends both had their phone away and it was just us three. My phone was on silent because I had been in the library. I checked my phone every half hour or so. The last time I checked it, he had sent me a text asking about dinner and then a snarky follow up 15 minutes later. I had order an appetizer with my friends and wasn't hungry. I told him to go ahead and eat without me and we'd meet up later. I decided to go back to my friends' house to play with their dog and have another beer. Peter had told me that he was going to study until 10 pm and then wanted to spend the night together. All the sudden, Peter was mad at me for not telling him I was eating, not telling him we switched locations (even though I did, within 10 minutes of switching places) and telling me that he had right as my boyfriend to know where I was. He said I was inconsiderate and selfish. He was texting me every 10-15 minutes, angry at me, and completely ruined the night. I couldn't hide from my friends that I was upset and it was borderline humiliating. I went home by 10 pm but didn't want to see him because I was angry. He didn't apologize until the next day after we talked about it extensively and even then tried to justify it. I feel weird around my friends now that they've seen this.

• There was another incident when we ran into one of my good friends and I stopped to chat with her. Peter and I had spend the night together, had lunch together, and gone on a walk. I caught up with my friend for 3 minutes and then planned on walking to Peter's study space to chat for a few minutes before going back to my friend to study with her. (Peter likes to say "goodbye" even though we study like 20 ft apart, separated by a wall.) Peter got impatient, felt ignored, and walked off. Then he sent me several texts about how rude and inconsiderate I was by pretending that he wasn't there. That wasn't true at all; I was telling my friend I liked her sweater, asking her how she was, then I was going to exit with Peter to fill my water bottle and say goodbye. This blew up into a 3 hour argument via text.

• I had my best friend from home visiting last weekend. She stayed with me and drove 18 hours round trip in 4 days just to see me. Peter constantly texted, made passive aggressive comments if I didn't respond quickly enough, and generally was negative about me not giving him enough attention. I pointed all this out, he agreed and told me he would calm down. We all went to a dinner on her last night in town and I thought it went nicely. When Peter got out of the car, my friend made a comment that she was glad to see Peter and I getting along better. 5 minutes later, I got a text from Peter criticizing me, accusing me of not acting like a "couple" with him, acting distant, and not holding his hand. I was shocked. I thought I did a great job with the conversation, he talked for his fair share amount of time, and he got along well with my friend. She's been my best friend for 10 years. He said he hates how I "always do this." I have literally no idea what he's talking about. This wasn't a date. This was the first time he met one of the people who was most important to me and the last thing I wanted to do was make her feel like a third wheel. I told him I wasn't going to argue while she was in town but obviously was upset for the rest of the night. He apologized the next day but only after a long conversation. Obviously he didn't make a great impression once my friend saw the aftermath of dinner.

• Peter and I had a good day on Tuesday. We had fun, were getting along, etc. I came over to his place, took a nap, he went to soccer, and then I ordered us dinner. We ate together and bonded. I checked my phone (I keep it in my backpack now, at his request) and he saw I had a text. He wanted to know who it was from and what it said. I told him it was from James, asking where I was studying this summer (my home state or school state). Peter started lecturing me about getting texts after 10 pm (it was 10:30 where we were, 9:30 where James was). He talked about how it was inappropriate, he wouldn't talk to a girl so late, and asked why James wanted to know where I was. He asked if James was planning on visiting me. James and I have no plans like that whatsoever. Later, I got chapstick out of my backpack and Peter started accusing me of sneaking around to text James back. I wasn't. He asked me three times if that's what I did. I almost left but Peter convinced me to stay.

All of the sudden, I felt suspicious. I asked to see his facebook chat log so I could see when he had lasted facebooked his ex that he swears he hasn't spoken to. He refused. I ended up leaving, then coming back and saying if he wouldn't show me the same transparency he's demanded from me, it was over. He still tried to say no. In retrospect, I'm horrified by how angry I felt. I wanted to push him or hit him. I've never, ever felt like that towards another person. It's like I didn't recognize myself. He ended up showing me the log. He had a long conversation with his ex from Christmas Eve, which was laden with inside jokes, flirting, and sexual references. I asked to see his phone. Whole months were missing from his call log but he had two voicemails from her which insinuated they had some contact with each other. He swears that's all there is but almost half his call log is gone.

This is something I could forgive in a normal relationship -with remorse and change - but it hurts a lot considering that he's breaking rules he's given me, lied, and been hypocritical. I feel so watched and suffocated over actual guy friends, subjected myself to structured timetables imposed by him, had an open phone policy, and he's off talking about suggestive stuff with his ex. She's blocked him now but that's not the point. He's got me to the point where I feel guilty every time a male friend talks to me and I've actually started believing that I'm doing something wrong if I laugh at a guy friend's joke. I feel sick when my phone goes off if I'm around him.

I've been reading literature on controlling/abusive relationships and shared my concerns with him that he's meandering into this territory. He's been dismissive of it almost every time I've brought it up. I've had three friends tell me they're concerned based on the rules and his jealousy. He just says he has high standards and boundaries and that I would be jealous too if the roles were reversed. I don't think I would be but he insists I would. I just feel like he doesn't listen to me or take me seriously.

I thought things were getting better, he said I could text James whenever I wanted and he would be less harsh/critical in general. Yesterday though, he asked if I had responded to James and why "that guy" wanted to know where I was and said it was weird James was being so nosy. I think James was just making conversation. Then, last night, I was studying with friends and Peter walked by. Peter and I had just fought (we had been at dinner 10 minutes before) and I was mid-word in conversation with a friend and just made eye contact with him and looked away. I got a text asking why I didn't smile and wave. I apologized and said it was my fault and didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I then got more texts saying I was "cold" and demanding an explanation. That got me upset and I tried to tell him that the constant criticism and control was too much. That I felt like he was trying to control my emotions and make me pretend to be happy when I wasn't. He told me I was overreacting and he was tired of arguing and just wanted "to be good and nice." I feel like he starts a fight, expresses his feelings, then wants it to be over, even though the criticism and control is really wearing me down and making me agitated. I just feel like if I stay with him, I'm going to end up giving in and letting him criticize me, letting go of my guy friends, and apologizing when I mess up. That I'll just end up a shell of myself and cater to his needs instead of compromising. But I also don't think he's doing this on purpose. I think he gets insecure and doesn't know how to fix it, so he wants me to do it instead of asking himself if he's overreacting. I think that's how we get all these rules. He's fixing symptoms and not the root cause. I don't think any of this is malicious.

I tried to break up with him again two days ago. He begged me to wait until after finals (8 days). Eventually I agreed but said that there would be no sleep overs or physical affection. He agreed but now he's trying to kiss me even when I tell him I don't want to kiss. Then he gets mad I'm not kissing back. He says he knows now that he's being controlling and manipulative and he'll change. But I'm not seeing any change. I just feel so confused as to whether I'm overreacting or not. I can't tell if he's actually being a little abusive and he makes me doubt myself because he doesn't call me names or hurt me physically. He wants to read the book when I'm done with it and says he'll learn from it and wants to stay with me.

In 8 day finals are over. In 17 days, I graduate from law school. I just feel so bad about myself and confused. I've always been an empathetic person and emotionally intelligent person (that's usually what I'm "known for" by friends... know how to say the right thing at the right time and see things from other people's perspectives) but I feel so steamrolled. I'm also so embarrassed. I'm supposed to be this strong, capable woman and I can't even tell if my relationship is healthy. Right now, I'm planning on dumping Peter the second his final is over and blocking him on everything. I feel relief when I think about that. But I also feel scared that I'll miss him and that I'm being crazy and unwilling to compromise. That I'm throwing away something good by being dramatic.

I keep trying to convince myself, apart from the question of whether he's controlling, that if I'm not happy, I can't stay with Peter. That long distance is too hard. He wants to interview at law firms in my city and plan on how to get back together in a year. I can't do that if I have any doubts and I don't want to spend another day miserable. I HAVE to dump him. I just need to make sure I do. I've already tried multiple times. I can't get talked back into this. This isn't healthy.

Sidenote: He knows that I've posted on here but not what my username is and he hasn't seen the original post. It's a possibility he could stumble upon this and he would obviously recognize it because of this level of detail.

TL;DR: I feel like a crazy person. I'm doubting my emotions. I know I need to break up with him but I'm so worried I'm being overdramatic and ruining something because I'm unreasonable. I know I need to get out but why am I so reluctant to?

Final Update from the "Rules" girl - I did it. May 25, 2015 (24 days after 1st update)

I finally did it. Today I took the last step and blocked him on all my accounts (10 minutes ago). We're going no contact. You all were right that he used the time before and immediately after finals to draw me back in. I don't really regret waiting though. I didn't want to be the reason that he ended up messing up all his finals and potentially not getting a job he wanted because of grades. That isn't the person that I want to be and I'm okay with sacrificing a few weeks of my happiness for retaining that part of myself.

The following weeks were full of his apologies, assurances that he's changing, etc. But nothing changed. I realized that I didn't even want to wait around to see if he could get better because I don't want to be with him. He's not respectful of me and you can't teach respect. He seems completely incapable of empathizing with me and taking me into consideration when making plans. He wouldn't listen to me, he was dismissive of my concerns, and I just didn't feel valued, supported, or happy when we spoke.

When I broke up with him, he said that's what he wanted too because my interactions with men (including James) are "inappropriate" and "not in line with his beliefs." Two months ago that would have really bothered me and I would have gotten reeled back in defending myself but I just said "You know that's not true but I'm not going to fight with you about it. I wish you the best. Goodbye." and then blocked him.

I feel a little sad and lonely. It'll be weird to go from nearly constant contact and cutesy text messages to complete and utter silence but I'm hoping the payoff of not having horrible fights multiple times a week will balance that out.

The good news: I graduated last week, made honor roll, got the highest award in a competitive class, I'm back in my home state, living with my parents (I adore them and get along well with them), and my bar review class starts tomorrow morning. I'm back to running and lifting multiple times a week and I'm in the process of booking up my social calendar. It'll be hard to stop checking my phone compulsively and sad going to sleep without saying goodnight to him, but I think that I'm in the best circumstances (aka not living one building away) to make this fade as gently as possible. I've reached out to a friend already and she supports my decision. I'll reach out to a few others this afternoon.

The hardest part of this is letting go of the fantasy that he would get better and I could have this intense, passionate, beautiful relationship with him that was also healthy. I let his possessiveness slide because I felt so intensely cared about. But now I know what to watch out for in the future. I'm going to remain single for the rest of 2015 in an effort to build myself back up and prevent another toxic relationship. I will protect myself in the future the way I would protect a friend. I'm 25 now and I need to start taking who I date more seriously because I don't want to end up married to someone like Peter.

I'm scared of the future, of being with someone like him, and of never feeling this level of passion again. I'm especially afraid that I really am all the things he accused me of being. But I know I'm doing the right thing. This is usually when he would come running to my door, knocking, waiting, and begging me to unblock him. This is the first time I won't.

Thank you, so much, for your support and patience. This sub gets a lot of grief for a myriad of reasons but you all do so much good. So much more than you even know. I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you that commented and especially those that direct messaged me. You all were a lifeline to me when I wasn't ready to turn to my friends. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

tl;dr: I dumped him. Got accused of sort-of cheating (again) during the break up. Feeling weird but relieved. Blocked him on everything. Just wanted to share the good news.

Two years out of an abusive relationship and I'm so happy, I could burst. July 29, 2017 (over 2 years later)

Two years ago, I posted some rather desperate r/relationships questions asking for help. (If you're curious the initial cry for help, starting to gather strength to leave, the jubilant break up post. I knew deep down that something was desperately wrong with my relationship but I was hellbent on fixing it. The posts were the beginning of finding my way out of what felt like a mindfog.

I tried to post on relationships to let people know how it was going, in the hopes that if there were people considering leaving similar situations, they know that something better is out there. Unfortunately, relationships doesn't allow multiple posts. However, I felt an intense desire to share the "after" part of leaving an abusive relationship to let women know that there IS life after an abuser, even if they feel like their world will cease without the relationship. I hope this sub is an okay place for this.

It only took about two months after my break up to know that I would 100% be okay. That moment came while I was on a family vacation and was curling my hair in the mirror. I made eye contact with my reflection. I remember being startled because I saw someone looking back that looked calm. She wasn't worried about whether she'd get called slutty, whether smiling too much at dinner would get her accused of cheating, or whether the swimsuit she chose for the pool would get her accused of "showing off" and yelled at. For the first time in a year, I felt happy, safe, and confident. I became nearly giddy realizing I hadn't been criticized in months and I felt FREE.

It took so much for me to get out of the relationship. I think I was borderline addicted to the highs and lows. Every time I started to escape, I got "love bombed" (learned this term in my research post-break up) and pulled back in. I was worried nothing would ever feel as good as that relationship. However, I followed all the “standard break up advice” and worked out, reconnected with friends, started up new hobbies and (very importantly!) went to counseling. It was a long road, but a much easier one than I originally expected. And at the end of it, I was happy.

Here's a list of things that have happened to me in the last two years that have been better than that relationship:

• Passing my state's bar to become a lawyer;
• Starting a new job where I feel challenged and respected;
• Getting a gorgeous new apartment downtown;
• Getting into the best shape of my life;
• Making friends with a strong group of intelligent, kickass women that my ex would have never let me befriend;
• Drinking/smoking/sleeping without being guilted for not following my ex's expectations for what I should be doing with my time;
• Getting a cat and not needing to worry about her safety around my ex or him getting jealous;
• Leaving my house without having to give text updates about where I am;
• Smiling at strangers without being questioned over it;
• Being approached to run for office in 2018 and saying yes because I want to do it; and
• Literally everything.

Here's what I want to say to anyone who is interested: Anyone can get sucked into an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter how smart you are, how confident you are, or how independent you want to be. Just because you’re in one doesn’t make you dumb or worthless. It doesn’t make you easy prey or unable to be in a healthy relationship next time. The only antidote is listening to your gut and respecting boundaries that you put into place for your own life. There were so many times that I felt a pit in my stomach and knew something was wrong but ignored it because I felt like a compromise could be found. Some people out there are scary, they are manipulative, and they do not want the best for you. They only care about themselves and you cannot make them respect you, value you, or treat you well. When you meet that person, don't try to change them. Cut your losses and leave. Don't let their voice get in your head and to start believing their narrative of who you are.

It took me nearly a year to undo the damage that an 8 month relationship did to me. (Can you believe things got this bad in 8 months?!) I would internally feel myself panic for months after the break up when I laughed too much with my friends, thinking that I would be getting lectured about being fake/flirty/inappropriate. It took me so long to start making sarcastic jokes again (my ex didn't "get them" or think they were funny). I basically had to regrow all myself self confidence and redefine myself worth. I could barely even express an opinion on where I wanted to eat since it hadn't mattered in so long. Once I got past that, I remember marveling at the tranquility of my life being mine, my self esteem returning to normal, and people treating me gently/kindly. My parents told me I was happier than they’d seen me in a year and my best friend told me that she was glad “to have me back.”

(Side note: Counseling is IMPORTANT. People that are in an abusive relationship are more likely to get into another one than someone who has never been abused. When you are being abused, up looks like down and down looks like up. Going to counseling helped me re-orient, figure out what was normal, and taught me to listen to my gut. It helped me rebuild and make sure this wouldn’t happen again. I didn’t even need many sessions but I actually liked it by the end! I’m forever a gigantic advocate of finding a counselor that fits your needs well.)

I don’t want this to be the point of my post, so I’m putting it last. I took a dating hiatus for 6 months after the break up and tried to rebuild on my own. I think this was extremely important to help me re-center. After the six month hiatus, I wrote out parameters for dating and a list of things I needed in a partner (kindness, gentleness, warmth, an even temper). I was picky, I stopped seeing people that I felt weren’t listening to me or weren’t treating me well. After six months of dating, I found someone that fit the list. I’ve been dating him for a bit over a year, and I can’t stress how different this relationship is. It’s night and day. I’m listened to, respected, treated like a real partner, and my boundaries matter. I can be friends with whoever I want (I’m still good friends with James!) and my alone time is given with no questions asked.

Tl;dr: I was in an abusive relationship, asked reddit for help, and they came through. Life is so much better post-break up. I want to emphasize this can happen to anyone, just because it’s happening doesn’t mean you deserve it. Get out! Life gets better than you can imagine.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/IntentionSalt4788 in r/AITAH

mood spoilers: >!hopeful(?)!<

AITA FOR TELLING MY COWORKER HE SHOULD TEACH HIS DAUGHTER TACT? - Jan 21, 2025

I (32F) work in an office with my coworker Ken (40M) who has a daughter Esme (15F). Ken and I are friendly, we've worked together for a few years now and over the last year maybe I have been trying to open the door with something romantic. I was being very obvious, but it never went anywhere, and I thought that it was because he was clueless.

A few weeks ago Esme came with Ken's dad to bring lunch to Ken. It was sweet, she was polite to everyone in the office, including me. They visited for about half an hour before I went to take my lunch. I always come in and ask Ken if he wants to join me for lunch, and I knew his visitors were leaving soon, so I did the same as always. He said no, which is no big deal, sometimes he says no sometimes he says yes. I asked if he was sure and he said he was, and I asked "are you sure you're sure" sort of teasingly.

His daughter speaks up and said "he said he's sure" and things got a little awkward, no one said anything but Ken and his dad looked shocked. I said I was just asking and she told me to "take a hint" and then Ken finally told her to stop. She said, quote, "it's not my fault she doesn't understand at her big age".

I ended up crying, we didn't talk for a while and I steered clear. Last week I finally talked to him about it. He apologized and we talked a little more openly about stuff. Ken hadn't dated since his divorce 11 years ago, and he didn't plan to. He said he had been "happily uninvolved" (after some clarification, he meant 100% completely celibate! Didn't think people did that nowadays!) since then and he didn't want that to change any time soon, if ever. He told me he knows I'm interested but he didn't return the feelings. We were okay, it was an adult conversation and all went well.

This is where things turned sour. I told him I understood, I apologized for pushing, and I ask him why his daughter treated me the way she did. He apologized but he said she was protective of his choices, she knew that he was not interested in anyone, and he had expressed his discomfort around my flirting to his family. I told him that still wasn't validation for how she spoke to me, and that he needed to teach her tact as ultimately I am someone being rejected by the person I had feelings for. She should have been polite and treated me with empathy. It was like his mood changed on the spot. He starts talking about how he prides himself on being a single father and raising a strong, intelligent daughter. I apologized immediately for offending him and said I just felt that she was brash. He ended the conversation and we hadn't spoken since.

I've noticed some people giving me the cold shoulder, finally I asked a friend what was up, and she told me that some people thought it was wrong of me to have said that to Ken.

I left it alone and figured it would blow over but I've had this nagging stomach ache since then. I think part of me is looking for reassurance, or maybe just laying it out in front of me to clear my head. I think I just need an outsiders perspective.

Comments on the post

u/calacmack

>Your description of your actions was actually uncomfortable to read. He has clearly indicated that he was not interested in a romantic relationship with you yet you were pushy about going to lunch during a time he was focusing on a family visit. Your comments about his daughter were icing on the cake relative to being rude and dismissive. YTA.

u/MartinisnMurder

>I had vicarious embarrassment reading this… OP has some nerve lecturing anyone on having “tact” when she seems to be severely lacking it herself as well as social graces in general. She has made the work environment awkward and uncomfortable by being pushy with her unwanted attention and advances on Ken. Then since she couldn’t handle not getting the reception that she was wanting or expecting she goes off on his child’s behavior? I can’t imagine being so clueless or socially inept that a 15 year old has to clue you in to read the room, because your desperate attempts to win over her father are making things so uncomfortable… (like the poor guy was literally having lunch with his family!!)

>Honestly I wouldn’t be shocked if the celibacy part was his way of trying to gently let OP down because he just isn’t into her pushy overbearing ass.

u/DetailEquivalent7708

>YTA. Your actions are the literal textbook definition of sexual harassment- you engaged in a course of conduct that you knew or ought to have known was unwelcome. You flirted in a "very obvious" way, in your own words, for over a year. The fact he never specifically told you to stop was not a green light to keep going. Then you interrupted him when he had guests, didn't take no for an answer, and were incredibly rude to someone who has been far too kind to you already. The only person who messed up here is you. Stop making things awkward at work and do better.

u/ThrowRA_Last_Empath

>Yes YTA. Criticising someone’s teenage child was petty and offensive. She didn’t say anything wrong considering she already knew your advances make her dad uncomfortable and she just said exactly what she saw. You did need to get the hint already. And honestly, you should have picked up by now or at least left the ball in his court. If you’re always asking someone to hang out, even if you break them down enough to give in now and then, if they don’t ask you in close to equal amounts, leave them alone.

u/BulbasaurRanch

>YTA

>You continuously made him uncomfortable with your constant flirting and his daughter finally put you in your place.

>You just didn’t like it.

>It’s not your place to try and teach him how to raise his daughter. Your inability to take the hint is your problem. She doesn’t need to show “empathy” to the woman making her father constantly uncomfortable at work.

>It’s been going on a year. How could you possibly not realize after all that time that he has no interest in you?!

up/RevolutionaryDiet686

>YTA You interrupted him while he had company. It wasn't cute when you asked a second time. His daughter does not have to treat you politely or with empathy when you are invading their private space. Don't be rude and people won't have to respond in kind.

u/Full_Pace7666

>YTA

>I’m gonna be real with you OP, it’s your own damn fault this happened. Had you taken the damn hint far sooner you wouldn’t have been called out. Ken’s reasons for choosing to not date you or that he’s celibate is absolutely none of your business and it should never have come to that for you to understand he wasn’t interested. Esme’s response was the wake up call you needed, I don’t think you would have stopped otherwise.

>And then when you hear everything, you criticised his child and his parenting. Disgusting. It’s like you’re wearing a sign on your back saying “TAKE ME TO HR!” in captial bold letters. Leave this man the fuck alone before it affects your professional career.

UPDATE IN THE COMMENTS

UPDATE - January 22, 2025

Hi everyone,

Okay, so I have accepted my ruling. I feel silly in hindsight that it took me so long to realize it and I am literally sitting at my desk feeling like an idiot right now. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised by so many people saying I was the AH at first, but after reading the comments and rereading my post… you got me! I’m not one to fight for my life in the comments, but I was tempted. In hindsight though, yeah, I was an AH, and a dumb one at that!

Concerning Ken specifically and my feelings for him, I’m realizing I was sort of dumb anyway. The thing with Ken is that he’s very handsome, and I don’t think he realizes how handsome he is, but I also don’t think he cares at all. That was an attractive trait, but I think that knowing that should have been my first hint that he wasn’t interested in dating. Also, Ken keeps to himself, he’s very reserved, he doesn’t go out for drinks with the office, stuff like that. It was a stupid thing for me to go after a coworker in the first place, but for me to go after the hermit coworker who is a devoted single father was probably even stupider.

I wanted to clear some stuff up. Full disclosure, I was ultimately the reason that this conversation got around the office, because I told a few people about it and things spread. Ken is a gentle like Clark Kent kind of guy, and everyone likes him, so when anyone hears that anything bad about him an angry mob forms. Another thing, his daughter is really polite, all things considered. Shes really shy and quiet, but she’s very friendly. All the older ladies in the office adore her, she’s one of those types. Ken did correct her when she commented (along the lines of “Esme, that was uncalled for, knock it off” or something) and she did say sorry right away. I’d never heard her speak so confidently about something as she did when protecting her dad. I feel bad now as I’m looking back at it. I’m sure it’s uncomfortable for her on a lot of levels. She’s got a point, at my big age I should probably get it together! Lastly, I am not neurodivergent. At the risk of sounding like a jerk, I am just not used to being rejected. Frankly, I’ve never been in a situation where a man I wanted didn’t want me back. I figured he was either oblivious or awkward, but clearly he was just uninterested. Who knew? (Everyone but me, apparently)

Anyway, thank you everyone for putting me in my place and helping me see what was in front of my face anyway. I have no idea how I’m going to fix it, but at least I can see now that I was definitely in the wrong!

Comments on the post

u/Antique_Initiative66

>Kudos for knowing how to humbly accept the verdict OP. Live and learn.

OP’s downvoted reply

>Live and learn indeed! It wasn’t pleasant, but at least I can say I grew over the last few hours?

u/Imaginary-Pain9598

>Glad to see this healthy response! Hopefully Ken receives your apology as gracefully as you have accepted your verdict. 🩷

OP’s downvoted reply

>Thank you! Despite sounding crazy in my post, therapy DID teach me something!

u/MartinisnMurder

>I’d recommend revisiting therapy, and I’m not saying this to be rude. You need to work on respecting boundaries and your interpersonal communication skills. Through your words and actions you created a hostile work environment for your coworker. You will be fortunate if HR does not get involved since other people have become involved as well.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Nellynervous

My (24f) co-worker (50f) blamed me for my miscarriage but is now frustrated I won't talk to her

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Hostile workplace, harassment!<

Original Post March 6, 2019

Exactly what the title says. My coworker/'friend' has been in a sour mood because I was given 'lenient' clock in clock out times the week of my miscarriage ( I took no days off, and only came in and left early the first two days as the cramps were horrible) finally, after she was being talked to about coming in late she came after me, yelling at me asking me why I'm not in trouble as well and how it is not fair she is getting yelled at but I'm coming and going 'as I please'.

Me, thinking we were friends, confided to her that I had a miscarriage. Her response? 'I told you you were pregnant! Why the hell are you here? You need to be home! This is why you had the miscarriage! You don't care about yourself, you're being selfish working when you should be letting your body recover. What is wrong with you? You are being so stupid! You don't take care of yourself and then you wonder why you had a miscarriage. Come on, really. Who do you think you're telling this to? I'm a woman! I have gone through things like this! Don't look surprised if you find you can't get pregnant after this. Honestly, take care of yourself. '

And then with that she announced she was going on break and I sobbed in the bathroom. I pulled myself together and didn't speak to her the rest of the day. Then it was the weekend then she was sick and was gone and then she had a family emergency and has been back but I've moved desks. I'm hurt and angry and honestly, am not her friend. Today she tried to send me a birthday gift and I refused. She is pissed and doesn't understand my change in attitude. She also tried to coordinate breaks with me. I, of course, insisted that I break at a different time.

This is making her frustrated and I am honestly at a loss for words on how to explain to her why I no longer want to engage socially with her. I am completely amicable to her professionally otherwise. How do I explain to her I don't want to be friends with her anymore? Is there a way I can do it without causing her to 'explode'?

TLDR: worker got upset for getting yelled for being late to work, tried to come up to me and asked me why I didn't get in trouble, I explained that I miscarried my pregnancy and she blamed me for overworking myself and causing the miscarriage and that I shouldn't be surprised if I can't get pregnant again. Now, after not acknowledging me for a couple of weeks she came to my desk with a bday gift acting like nothing ever happened and is upset I didn't accept the gift or want to have lunch together

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> Forget being friends. Go see HR. Now. > > Use the words "she is creating a hostile work environment." > > Perhaps visit r/legaladvice first, to check the exact legal issue. > > Hopefully the management can rein her in. Or even sack her, for this appalling bullying.

OOP

>>It's been a couple of weeks since the initial confrontation. I didn't say anything because I thought it would blow over. Is there still time to tell my boss about it? My boss is the 'lets all talk it out' kind of guy and am extremely hesitant to go that route.

[deleted]

>>>Go that route. The delay is irrelevant. Say you were too shocked to process it at the time, but now you've thought about it, and plus how badly she's behaved since, this can't be ignored any more. Fuck "lets talk this out". Like I say, run this past r/legaladvice before you meet the boss. If presented properly, he should spontaneously shit his pants at the potential liability here.

~

currently_distracted

> Is your coworker from another culture? The way she reacted is similar to some older immigrant ladies I know, and it’s their way of showing they care. Not saying it’s right by any means (it’s awfully rude and totally wrong), but it’s probably what was modeled to them as well. > > Definitely talk to HR about this. > > And maybe also tell her what she said was really offensive, and you don’t care to continue your relationship with her. Maybe she’ll think twice next time before she verbally vomits on her next victim.

OOP

>> She is a first generation immigrant from the Bahamas. >> >>& >> >> She's been in country for 20 years. She has had outbursts when she doesn't get her away. She hymns and Haws when our manager lectures her on something and always says everything she can to dismiss herself of any wrong doing but usually it was just an eye roll and a "Yeah, sure Carol. That sucks" (not her real name) she also openly complains about how mean her husband is for not letting her spend money on new bags, clothing, etc. (But will gush over him randomly and show pictures of them going to dinner, vacation, etc.) Again, it was just treated as a quirk in the office. She's always been friendly or funny otherwise. She brings things to pot luck and signs the birthday cards, etc. I know the guys in the office avoid her like the plague but I just assumed it is because she always gives unsolicited dating advice and likes to talk about her until she's blue in the face. I hadn't minded listening to her before because I didn't mind the conversation while typing. >> >> The thing that really got to me is I feel like she was directing her anger on me and grilling me as to why I wasn't in trouble.

~

[deleted]

>Just my opinion, if she is actually clueless as to why you won't talk to her I don't think she deserves an explanation anyways.

OOP

>>No when I refused the birthday gift (first time she has acknowledged my existence since the outburst) I explained I wasn't comfortable taking it after what happened. She kept saying 'Wow, Okay, I see how it is!" The reason I haven't responded to comments really is because she tried reporting me for 'not giving her important information.' and ' causing an interruption in her work day' I spoke with my boss about it. It's ridiculous to say the least. There is a lot to unload now. Don't know where to start.

Update: First, thanks for the support. I didn't expect this to blow up like it did. Yes, we are getting through it and doing okay.

Second, she ended up submitting a false report saying I interrupted her work day and withheld important information. It is false. I have witnesses, I was never alone with her, she had no details on what was held nor did she have any proof and when asked to clarify, she couldn't think of anything. I will update the rest tomorrow as now that she put a complaint on me (and it is very plainly false) it's gotten a lot crazier.

Update March 7, 2019 (Next Day)

It's been a long day. First, I want to again thank everyone for their love, support, and advice. I wasn't able to answer everyone but know I tried to read all of them. Thank you.

So, this morning ended up being a meeting with my boss. Now, yesterday I was given a run down of how she made a complaint of interrupting her work day and not being told important information. She did have an 'example' but it was very stupid one.

Co-worker when she was at my desk had apparently been staring at my screen. She saw that the usual application to log data we use wasn't up and went straight to assuming I wasn't working. What she didn't know is me and two other senior employees were using a new application that we will be switching over to and was running on that application (with the old one minimized) she then came back to ask about lunch and saw 'I still didn't have the application up' and went running to boss to tell him I wasn't on the application and I wasn't working, making it hard for her as she had to pick up the slack.

My boss calmly assured her that I was working on a different application and all productivity is monitored (I get my shit done) she then, not wanting to be wrong I guess, doubled down and was upset I hadn't communicated that to her. I didn't even know. My boss asked her to elaborate on that and she brought up the application again and I guess they talked in circles for a bit. He let her know that he takes these matters seriously and asked her for any examples of me not communicating. She had nothing.

When I spoke to my boss, at this point I was upset. I finally just told him what happened and explained what happened yesterday. He was not pleased. He did let me know I don't have to explain myself and that next time if I'm in that situation to go straight to him. He offered his condolences for my loss.

As for her, she is no longer allowed to speak to me. Anything work related must be done through the messenger we have or email. Though, he assured me that as we are working on different applications, she shouldn't be reaching out to me. She has a laundry list of people to ask before me. He told me to document everything. Anything she does say document it for the time being and be as curt as possible.

Today, she hasn't been around me. She even moved her monitor and keyboard so she's facing away from me. She hasn't said a word all day. It's been a wave of relief for me.

TLDR: coworker tried to report me for something stupid, it didn't work. She is now not allowed to speak to me.

Update: Wow, my first gilding! I'm very touched. Again, the warm wishes and all the condolences are touching. I never thought my thread would get this much attention. I also wanted to give out my condolences and internet hugs to everyone who has shared their stories and loses as well. It truly helped me to not feel so alone. I'm sorry for anyone who had to or has to go through a miscarriage. It's a scary thing and a very weird and sudden feeling of loss and empty feeling. I hope its gotten or it will get better from here. Thank you.

FINAL COMMENTS

pokinthecrazy

> Damn. > > If your coworker isn't looking for a new job, she's a fucking idiot. Telling her not to speak to coworkers? That's a bold move - sounds like he thinks she is creating a hostile work environment.

OOP

>>Well as I mentioned before she makes the male employees uncomfortable because she likes to ask prying questions and give relationship advice, unasked. So, I don't know but I am also just mostly relieved that I have back up from my boss. I think another thing that he really seemed to stress is when she tried to report me from how he phrased it (professionally) was that she wanted me in trouble, she didn't care how. Also, I find it funny that she tried to report me for slacking when it's no secret she is the slowest ( or at least on of them) to submit her work.

~

DaxIsAName

>I’m sorry the situation had escalated all the way up to your boss. That couldn’t have been an easy conversation to have about such a private matter. I’m happy though that she’s finally leaving you alone, and I hope you can move forward in peace at your job again.

OOP

>>It wasn't and I wasn't expecting him to be so sympathetic because he doesn't have kids and is an old army man. It was like a wave of relief after our meeting.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayrobot8958

My (28M) fiancee (28F) wants her dead late husband's parents to walk her down the aisle. Is this weird?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post Aug 29, 2019

*late husband not ex-husband. sorry about that. thank you u/campustour for pointing it out.

Throwaway since my fiancee knows my main account.

A little backstory: My fiancee (who I'll call Jane) have been friends since we were in sophomore year of high school together. During this time, she met a junior (George) who she started seeing and we all put our friend groups together. Eventually, we all graduated and Jane and George got married soon after. I always had a crush on Jane during our time together but George was a great man who I still admire and I knew they would be genuinely happy.

Tragically, George passed about 2 years into their marriage and Jane was heartbroken just having gone through the deaths of her parents a year back. During this time, she got very close to George's parents and eventually moved in with them. Two years pass and Jane and I start getting closer until our relationship develops into one of true and deep love. We've been together for 4 years.

We are now gearing up to be married in a few months when a few days back Jane asks me what I thought if George's parents walked her down the aisle. She said that since he passed and she moved in with them they became like her second set of parents and she wanted to honor them. I was kind of taken aback and didn't know what to say - and I still don't. I get her point of view and I love her with all of my heart but having another man's parents there would be kind of weird.

My question is - would it be weird? Should I open up a part of my wedding for his memory and his parents? His parents are really great people who have treated me like family since HS but I'm still on the fence. I guess I'm asking this just so I don't continue to have a knot in my stomach whenever I think about it.

She is the love of my life so this wouldn't be a deal-breaker and I'm not thinking about calling off the wedding at all - please don't suggest that, thank you. I just want to be able to look her in the eyes and say "I don't mind" without feeling weird about it.

TL;DR my fiancee wants her dead ex-husband's parents to walk her down the aisle and I feel weird about it.

Thank you all in advance.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

CampusTour

> Ok, first of all, it's her late husband, not her ex-husband. Even if she uses that term herself, it's probably smart if you don't, because those are two entirely different categories. > > Second, her folks are dead, and those people stepped up and took her in, probably like one of their own. They lost their son, which is an unimaginable horror, and did right by making sure that his wife remained family. And if they're able and willing to walk her down the aisle while she marries you...then those are some truly amazing people. I can't imagine that strength, to walk her to where their late son stood, and see you there where he was. Hell, if anything, I'd suggest you guys worry about them, and if it's asking too much. > > Third, these folks may well be your new in-laws, to some extent. > > And fourth, you say you admire George, and that he was a great man. So consider it a high honor that his wife wants to marry you after he died, and that his parents would be willing to participate n the wedding. > > Fifth, and this is important, and where I can give you the least advice...this man died while they were still married, still in love. There was no breakup, no divorce, he died. I'd start doing some reading, some research, something...about what that means for you, and for her. Because I suspect that George is always going to be with her, and with you, in some way or another. If you're not comfortable with that, if you can't handle that, then you're gonna have problems. > > But for this...I'd just consider this as the most tangible stamp of approval you can get that your marriage is good to go, and blessed by the parents of the person she married, that love her and care about her, and consider you worthy to stand where he stood.

OOP

>> Thank you so much for this reply. Apologies for the term I used - I'm all over the place today. >> >> You've got it on the head. They are amazing people; I really hadn't thought of it that way since it's just normal for them to be around as family. I will check in with >>them when I meet them for dinner later.

>> Truly thank you. I keep reading your comment over and over and it's all clicking for me now. I love her so much and George's parents have been a fountain of support for her and she to them. It makes sense for them to be honored in this way since they're comfortable and happy to do it.

~

[deleted]

> Parents aren't who gave birth to you, they're who took care of you when you were at your worst. > > You'd hope that those people are the same, but they need not be.

OOP

>> I think this is the comment that hit me in my feelings the most. I'm embarrassingly emotional about the whole thing but this comment made me a lot more emotional. >> >> Thank you

EDIT: Thank you all for your advice. I'm having dinner with my fiancee and her adopted parents tonight and I will talk to them. I see how this would be a wonderful thing for all of them and I'm realizing how so lucky I am to have them in my life. I feel so stupid looking back at how much I've stressed about it this past week. Thanks again.

Update Aug 30, 2019 (Next Day)

Apologies for not replying to all the comments! I had a busy day but the ones I did get to were so touching.

We all spoke together last night after dinner and it went great! I told them I would love for them to join us together since they were there during the hardest part of her life and they mean so much to her. A lot of these comments opened my eyes to her situation and I just wasn't thinking clearly. We all shed a few tears (of happiness!) and are getting ready to really start planning the wedding. After they left, I spoke to her about George and just checked up on her to see how she was doing emotionally. She said that she's sad but mostly about her parent's not being there to help her through this; she is grateful that her 'adopted' parents (as she calls them) are with her. I sometimes do get insecure and into my own head but I'm working through that daily and weekly with a therapist. I also make sure to do an 'emotions' checkup with Jane to see how we're both doing.

I did want to mention - this was never about me "letting" her do it. Jane is a headstrong woman who doesn't need for me to "let" her do anything. It was mostly about me feeling weird about it and wanted to shake that feeling of "oh shit what's happening". Talking and communicating is so so SO important that I needed to feel comfortable before anything. I get her POV now and I get how important this is to her and now that feeling of weirdness has gone away and we can continue to the stressful part - wedding planning, haha. Thank you all for your kind words. I'm an emotional dude so my eyes got misty reading some of these comments. Thanks again.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/One_Test_2447

AITAH for refusing to keep a secret from my boss after a weird encounter with his daughter?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/soayherder u/queenlegolas & u/ for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Sexual harassment, stalking, hostile work environment!<

Original Post Apr 22, 2026

So this happened a couple days ago and I’m still kinda thinking about it.

I work at a small company, like maybe 10 people total. My boss is actually a pretty solid guy, no issues with him at all. Since it’s a small place, you kind of see family members here and there but it’s not like we all hang out or anything.

Anyway, I stayed late to finish some stuff. Everyone else had already left. While I’m there, I hear the door and it ends up being my boss’s daughter. I think she’s like 19 or 20. I’ve seen her before but we’ve never really talked.

At first it seemed normal. She said she was there to grab something her dad forgot. But then she just kind of… hung around my desk instead of actually looking for anything.

She starts asking me questions, like if I have a girlfriend, what I do outside of work, stuff like that. It wasn’t super crazy, just felt a little random for someone I barely know.

Then she says something like “you’re way more interesting than the people my dad usually hires” and laughs. I kinda just laughed it off because I didn’t really know what to say.

Then she asks if I want to hang out sometime. Not like a casual thing, it definitely felt like she was hitting on me. I told her it probably wasn’t a good idea because of the whole “your dad is my boss” situation.

That’s when it got kinda weird.

She got a little annoyed and said I was making it weird and that she wouldn’t tell him. Then she goes “honestly it’d be better if you didn’t even mention I was here.”

That part didn’t sit right with me. I didn’t agree to anything, I just said I had work to finish and she should grab whatever she came for. She left pretty soon after that.

Next day, my boss asks if anyone had been in the office late because something got moved. I paused for a second but I ended up telling him his daughter stopped by. Didn’t go into the whole conversation, just that she was there.

Later on he seemed kind of off with me. Not rude, just a little short and distant. Now I’m wondering if I should’ve just kept my mouth shut like she asked.

I wasn’t trying to start drama or anything, it just felt weird to lie about it.

AITA?

Update Apr 25, 2026

Alright… this got a lot messier than I expected.

So after a few days off, my boss ended up pulling me aside to his office yesterday. Long story short, I told him the full version of what happened. He didn’t get mad at me at all. If anything, he looked more tired than anything else.

Apparently this isn’t the first time she’s caused issues like this. He didn’t go into a ton of detail, but he basically said she has a habit of putting him in bad positions with people he works with. Also, like some of you guessed, she told him a completely different version of events. According to her, I was the one being weird and asking her personal questions. He said it didn’t really add up, which is why he asked me directly.

So I figured that was the end of it.

It wasn’t.

Last night my fiancée texts me asking if I know someone by (my boss’s last name)I said yeah, why? Turns out his daughter found her on Instagram.

I have no idea how, because I don’t even have my workplace listed on my profile. But she followed my fiancée and then started liking a bunch of her pictures. Not just one or two… like scrolling back and liking older posts too.

My fiancée thought it was weird immediately and asked me what was going on. So now I had to explain the whole situation to her, which was not a fun conversation.

It gets better.

About an hour after that, my fiancée gets a DM from her. Nothing crazy aggressive, but super passive aggressive. Something like “you seem really sweet :)” and “just so you know, not everyone is who they act like at work.”

Now my fiancée is pissed, obviously. She asked me straight up if there was anything I wasn’t telling her. So now I’m dealing with that on top of everything at work.

I haven’t responded to the daughter at all, and neither has my fiancée, but it’s just… weird. Like it feels intentional at this point.

I texted my boss about it this morning and he was genuinely embarrassed. He apologized to me and said he’d “handle it,” whatever that means.

So yeah. Now I’ve got my boss’s daughter creeping on my fiancée, my fiancée side-eyeing me because of the situation, and I’m just trying to go to work and mind my business.

Did not expect it to turn into this.

Update 2 Apr 26, 2026

Alright, I need to clear something up first because a lot of you are stuck on the same thing.

Yes, I did tell my fiancée. I just didn’t explain it well ( or at all ) in the post.

When it first happened, I told her, but I didn’t make it sound like a big deal. Because honestly, at the time, I didn’t think it was. It just felt like a weird, awkward interaction and I figured that was the end of it.

So yeah, I mentioned it, but I definitely downplayed it. That’s on me.

Once everything blew up with her finding my fiancée on Instagram, liking all her pictures, and sending that message, that’s when I told her everything, full detail, nothing left out. I also showed her these posts and the comments so she could see the timeline and what I had already said about it.

We had a long talk after that and we’re good now. She was upset at first (which I get), but after seeing everything, she believes me and we’re solid.

Now… work.

This is where it gets a little worse.

After I told my boss about the IG stuff, he asked me to come in early this morning. When I got there, his daughter was already there.

Yeah.

So there i was, sitting in the same room with both of them, which I was not expecting at all.

My boss basically made her explain what she did and instead of backing down, she doubled down.

She straight up said she only reached out to my fiancée because she thought I was “leading her on” and that I was “acting different when we were alone.” I didn’t even know what to say to that. I told him right there that wasn’t true and repeated exactly what happened that night. She was about to say something but my boss shut her down pretty quickly. He told her he didn’t believe her version of events and that what she did ,crossing into my personal life, was completely out of line.

She got pissed. Like visibly pissed.

Before she left, she looked at me and said something along the lines of “this isn’t over, you know that right?”

Which… yeah, not exactly what you want to hear at your workplace.

After she left, my boss apologized again and said he’s going to make sure she doesn’t come back to the office anymore. He also told me if anything else happens, even outside of work, to tell him immediately.

Since then, things at work have been… tense, but not because of him. He’s actually been more on my side than I expected. I’m just keeping my head down, documenting everything, and honestly starting to look at other job options just in case this keeps escalating.

Didn’t think one awkward conversation at work would turn into this whole situation.

yeah… definitely learned my lesson about not downplaying stuff like this.

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Both me [33 F] and my fiance [33 M] of five years have almost identical last names, but he is insisting that I change my last name after marriage. This argument is making me consider cancelling the wedding

Original Post Dec 24, 2014

My fiance and I have been together for five years, engaged for six months. We recently started designing our Save The Dates and had a huge argument over me not changing my last name.

We both have extremely generic last names and a good example of what I'm talking about is Shultz vs. Schultz. It is the difference of a single silent letter.

I explained to my fiance that I do not want to change my last name because I am a journalist and all of my work is tied to my current name. If I were to change my name, it would mess up my future career opportunities. Plus, my name is the 'traditional' spelling while my fiance's is the 'Americanized' spelling.

My fiance has told me that he could not fathom having a wife with a different last name, but his only explanation was that it bothered him. He said that it wasn't about tradition, but it just 'felt wrong to him'.

I already offered that our children would have his last name, but we're at an impasse. It just feels like he doesn't care about how this will impact my career or even that we already share the same last name. The argument was such a huge blowup that I don't want to get married if it means having to give in to what feels like an unreasonable demand.

On top of everything, changing my name would be a HUGE pain in the butt, as I would have to probably do everything over and over again because companies are assuming my last name is misspelled (instead of seeing it as my new married name).

tl;dr: My fiance and I share the same last name, with a different spelling (ex. Shultz vs. Schultz). He wants me to change mine to his after the wedding, I am refusing. I don't want to get married if it means having to change my name.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

futurecrazycatlady

>If he insists that it isn't tradition, but just that it feels wrong to have different names, he could take yours right? Especially if he isn't in a career that depends on older work. Did you two discuss that option?

OOP

>>It was something that I brought up, and he is adamantly opposed. And ironically, it is for the same reasons. He does not want the work he's published to not be tied to him if he changed his last name.

panic_bread

>>>That kinda tells you all you need to know about his reasonableness, doesn't it? What else is he going to refuse to compromise on in the marriage?

OOP

>>>>Out of the five years we've been together, this is the only thing we have ever not been able to work past. He is reasonable on everything except this and he's said that he feels horrible about it, but he doesn't think he could marry someone without her taking his last name.

~

[deleted]

> I see your point, but at one point you call your last name generic. Do you really want to take the argument to the heights it's going over something you find generic?
> > And, if you're in a fight that has blown up to these proportions to where you think you may not even marry the guy if he doesn't concede then you don't need to get married. When something really big comes up will that be your solution/train of thought also?

OOP

>> It is generic, but my last name is the traditional spelling. If asked to spell either one of our names after hearing it, 99/100 people would spell it the way my last name is spelled, not the way his is spelled. Imagine Michaels vs. Michals or Green vs. Grene. >> >> This is the only major disagreement we have ever had. Things got a bit heated, but it was never to the point of yelling. We each just said our side, couldn't agree, and then went to bed.

[deleted]

>>>But you're seriously contemplating not getting married over it.

OOP

>>>> I will not marry someone who I feel does not respect who I am and my career. >>>> >>>> If that is unreasonable, then I don't know what to say.

Update Dec 26, 2014 (2 days later)

I was planning on updating this yesterday before I went to bed, but decided to wait until this morning. I also had to repost this since I edited a major part of the text and kept forgetting to put the TL;DR in.

I first posted on Wednesday while waiting to leave work. It gave me a lot to think about, so I decided to drop the conversation until after Christmas to think about everything and also to not cause more unneeded stress at the holidays.

A lot of people suggested that I take my husband's last name and keep my maiden name for professional use, and I have one thing to say to you all: I have had my name for 33 years so far and suggesting that I do the one thing I don't want to do (which is change my name in any form) is just really shortsighted. With the difference of one letter, no one would assume my name is different because I'm married. They would assume it's a typo since a letter was deleted, which is far more of a nightmare than changing my name to something completely different.

Moving on now.

As I said in one of my comments, I had already spoken to my fiance's parents about it before I posted. They had heard our argument (we live in the same house, no it's not weird because the house is huge) and my fiance's dad (FIL) had agreed with me. His wife (my fiance's mom, MIL) had kept her maiden name and it wasn't an issue at all.

My FIL had a talk with my fiance on Christmas before I had woken up. I don't know what all the details were, but the part of it was that their family name had been 'Schultz' for hundreds of years before it was changed to 'Shultz' and that my fiance was technically going against centuries of family history by insisting that I change my name (and that he would actually be honoring the family by bringing back the traditional name).

After I woke up, my fiance asked if I would talk with him. I agreed and he and I had a long discussion about the whole thing, the talk with his dad, about why it bothered him, etc. My fiance told me that he loved me regardless of everything and that it just hadn't occurred to him that he was demanding that I change a fundamental part of me. He also added that my stubbornness about the issue is part of why he likes me, because I'm not the type of woman to roll over.

In the end, my fiance and I agreed that he would keep his name, I would keep my name, and our children will be named Shultz but that they can choose whatever they like once they turn 18.

Happy ending :)

TL;DR: We talked it out, I'm keeping my last name, fiance will keep his. Kids can decide if they want to. Communication is key.

FINAL COMMENTS

jacks_not_surprised

>Well done Mrs. Schultz

OOP

>>Ms. Schultz ;)

~

KalSkotos

> "I have had my name for 33 years so far and suggesting that I do the one thing I don't want to do (which is change my name in any form) is just really shortsighted." > > Good, I was so disappointed with all the comments telling you to do that. Interesting that his own family didn't take the traditional rounte, I wonder if he has some issues with his mom about something else that manifested itself that way.

OOP

>> Thanks for that! >> >> As for his mom, it was clear after we kept talking (during the first argument that made me make my first post) that he hadn't even thought about it. He told me yesterday that thinking about his mom made him change his mind, because he had never seen any problems come between his parents that were caused by a last name. After we did some more talking, he let me know that he felt weird partially because it wouldn't feel like a family, but he didn't need to look beyond his own parents to see that was untrue.

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