r/AvoidantRelationships

I’m trying to understand this from an avoidant perspective, not looking for comfort answers.

If someone monkey branches straight out of a long-term relationship into a new one immediately:

- Do they actually process or feel the breakup at all, or is it just avoided entirely?

- Does it hit later? If you were the avoidant and you eventually processed it how long did it take?

- Is the new relationship genuine, or more of a distraction/escape from discomfort? To me it feels like he’s moved incredibly fast in this new relationship, he’s acting extremely out of character.

- Do Avoidants ever circle back after something like this, even if they were the one who did the damage?

- If they act completely cold and detached (e.g. can’t even say hello during pet custody exchanges), is that indifference and they have cut you out of their life completely or avoidance of guilt/shame?

I’m trying to understand the internal mechanics of how someone can switch off that hard after years and replace you instantly. Even though I spent years with this person I never knew about avoidant attachment until after the breakup which has explained a lot of how he was acting during the 8.5 years together.

Looking for honest insights, especially from people who identify as an avoidant or have been in relationships with one (for context my ex was a dismissive avoidant). Thanks!!

Hi all, this is going to be a long story, but I am in need of advice or help to understand something. 23M here. My guy best friend ( who I knew from school ) was my closest person, after school we played online games together and would talk every single day. Regardless. Anyways… he acted like he liked me - would flirt, compliment me etc etc… then when I would do it back, he would go very cold, distant and not speak to me for days… this has happened for near on 6 years….

Anyways… I’ve been blocked at least once every year for a period of time, says he never wants to speak to me again, then comes back months later with heavy flirting. The moment I flirt back, he pulls aways, then either blocks me, or calls it out and paints me as a villain for even considering such a thing. 7 weeks ago, he wrote me a text at 3:33am what was extremely harsh and cruel, also told me there wasn’t anything there and I made it all up. Despite many encounters. Anyways… before he did this, he went over the top flirting, and things got sexual, and then when I confessed to him fully about how I feel, I was told “ F you, you Fing … get out of my life… blocked me and won’t have anything to do with me. This has happened so many times, but what he said and did to me this time has changed me.

I’m so confused, hurt and sick of this cycle. I have never felt so bad before. Ever. Any advice or anything at all would be greatly appreciated. My DMs are always open.

so this guy have been talking nothing really happened we were never together he said he sees no future for us but i suggested friendship instead. we hung out a few times then i had to travel back home during those two months he completely ghosted me then i travelled back and he randomly texted me it was very vague basically him judging my decisions since i asked him to delete the chat then i asked him to hangout. anyways he ghosted me again after that message then came back and said he doesn’t think this friendships gonna work out. i honestly crashed out i kept texting him with obviously no answer from him. so i confronted him at university at first i asked him if i did something then he was like “it’s not you it’s me” he completely shut down would not look at me or even answer me he was scrolling on his laptop. i ended up crying and he teared up as well but still refused to talk. i sent him a final message saying i wish him well and all and i was fine until i texted him again a week later telling him im doing something stupid (going to late night concert alone) and might call him if something bad happens. he did not reply of course and i see that he blocked me the day after. i know i kept pushing but why did he block.

My ex(36) broke up with me (32) a month ago and we work in the same place. Hes the avoidant and im the anxious one. I decided for the sake of my sanity to completely ignore him in my workplace, but Hes been trying to make me make eye contact with him and i would look at anything but. I dont get it, he initiated the breakup, whats with this behavior?

I’m trying to understand a pattern in my relationship and would really appreciate some outside perspective.

We are in a long-distance relationship, which makes communication and emotional connection even more important to me.

I feel like I’m very open and connection-oriented. When something feels off, I want to talk about it and feel close again. My partner seems to respond very differently.

Everything is generally fine between us until I bring up emotions or say that I feel hurt. That’s when things shift.

He often tells me I shouldn’t feel that way or that what I’m saying isn’t true, which makes it hard for me to express myself.

I’ve dealt with narcissistic people in my life before, and this doesn’t feel the same. I don’t think he is intentionally trying to hurt me, which is part of what makes this confusing.

Here are a few situations:

1. Wanting to talk / emotional connection

There have been multiple times where I said something like “I would really like to talk to you” or that I felt a bit distant and wanted closeness.

Instead of engaging, he would respond with things like “we are talking” or shift the conversation to something random.

When I tried to explain that I meant a deeper conversation, he would say things like:

“there is no problem”

“everything is fine”

or question what I mean by talking

He also tends to turn things into philosophy instead of actually engaging emotionally. For example, he said that talking is “mostly ego stimulation” and that in a state of true peace there’s no need to talk.

This made me feel like my need for connection was being dismissed.

2. When I expressed hurt

When I told him I felt hurt or unheard, he didn’t really acknowledge it.

Instead, he would:

say that what I’m saying isn’t true

say he didn’t do anything wrong

tell me I shouldn’t feel that way

focus on correcting my perception

He often shifts into explanations or philosophical ideas instead of responding to how I feel.

3. Valentine’s Day

He completely forgot Valentine’s Day.

When I expressed that it hurt me, he didn’t apologize or show much empathy.

He mainly said that he just forgot and that it wasn’t his fault that I felt hurt.

4. Feeling like I have to adjust constantly

I feel like I’ve been the one adjusting:

giving him space

trying not to ask for reassurance

trying not to be “too much”

But I don’t feel like he adjusts for me in return.

5. His reaction to conflict / my last message

Recently I sent a calm message explaining that I need a relationship where I can express how I feel, where it doesn’t turn into arguments, explanations, or corrections, and where I feel heard and safe.

He hasn’t responded at all.

This isn’t the first time he has gone silent when things get emotional.

How it makes me feel

I often feel:

unheard

dismissed

like my feelings are wrong

like I’m the only one trying to move toward connection

My question:

Does this sound like avoidant behavior, or is this just emotional unavailability / incompatibility?

Holy hell, peeps 😳😱🫩after being in a 2 year relationship with an avoidant, this song and music video makes so much sense that it turns my stomach.

All of us were ( or maybe still are ) that woman in the coat 😓 if it’s been 20 years since you’ve seen it like me, lol 🙈 watch it again, pay attention to the symbolism and lyrics and bask in the poignant, bone-chilling clarity of finally understanding something you didn’t as a kid. 🤯💥

Thank- you, #WhiteTown for making this song, and Thank-you, YouTube algorithm for randomly making this song come on while I was reminiscing about the purity of the 90’s by watching my favourite old music videos 😆 😭

Talk about a message from the universe !! 🌎

Is it true that avoidant people push away the one they care about the most and treat them differently? Like colder and make no time to see you anymore? Yet they call you almaot everyday sometimes multiple times a day and text you first most of the time. They say because theyre busy and going thru alot right now and dont want to hurt me. Everything seems to be on their terms. Ive been doing alot of work on myself so I can be the best healthiest version of myself possible. Everything was going great and flowing and then boom I noticed a withdrawal. I know theyre busy with work, personal life, health and of course spend time with your friends. I dont want to take up all of their time. Do they come back around or did they lose interest? Or am I not being considerate? Just looking to help understand better.

I have done a lot of mistakes and repeated it again and again, I genuinely showed care but I over cared and she felt overwhelmed all by that, I used to call her when she was offline for multiple times and she said I would just msg when I get online stop doing this and it repeated again and again, one time I panicked and msged her mother and she scold her and she said at that time as well dont do this kind of thing but I repeated it again and she said Why u never care for me, u dont respect my boundaries, I gave u multiple chances but still blah blah, She said her sister would come so at that time she wont be able to msg or call me like before and even at that time i msged her mother and she scold her, and this time she was really upset and felt pressured but she was already thinking of ending things, I begged her saying it wont happen again but she was not listening but finally after weeks, she said she will give me last chance but will take it as a break as well and will talk to me only if she wants, but it has been only 2 days since she said that but she uploaded a story yesterday saying “When he calls me his future wife but he is not going to be in my future” and i felt so much pain in my heart, when i see the reels she likes it feels like she is already moving on and never will be with me, idk whats the purpose of giving a last chance, she hasn’t replied to my message but she comes online post things like this and wont even see my msg, what should I do? I love her really so much, I think all the pressure was because of me wanting to talk to her.