Am I dealing with an avoidant?
I’m trying to understand a pattern in my relationship and would really appreciate some outside perspective.
We are in a long-distance relationship, which makes communication and emotional connection even more important to me.
I feel like I’m very open and connection-oriented. When something feels off, I want to talk about it and feel close again. My partner seems to respond very differently.
Everything is generally fine between us until I bring up emotions or say that I feel hurt. That’s when things shift.
He often tells me I shouldn’t feel that way or that what I’m saying isn’t true, which makes it hard for me to express myself.
I’ve dealt with narcissistic people in my life before, and this doesn’t feel the same. I don’t think he is intentionally trying to hurt me, which is part of what makes this confusing.
Here are a few situations:
- Wanting to talk / emotional connection
There have been multiple times where I said something like “I would really like to talk to you” or that I felt a bit distant and wanted closeness.
Instead of engaging, he would respond with things like “we are talking” or shift the conversation to something random.
When I tried to explain that I meant a deeper conversation, he would say things like:
“there is no problem”
“everything is fine”
or question what I mean by talking
He also tends to turn things into philosophy instead of actually engaging emotionally. For example, he said that talking is “mostly ego stimulation” and that in a state of true peace there’s no need to talk.
This made me feel like my need for connection was being dismissed.
- When I expressed hurt
When I told him I felt hurt or unheard, he didn’t really acknowledge it.
Instead, he would:
say that what I’m saying isn’t true
say he didn’t do anything wrong
tell me I shouldn’t feel that way
focus on correcting my perception
He often shifts into explanations or philosophical ideas instead of responding to how I feel.
- Valentine’s Day
He completely forgot Valentine’s Day.
When I expressed that it hurt me, he didn’t apologize or show much empathy.
He mainly said that he just forgot and that it wasn’t his fault that I felt hurt.
- Feeling like I have to adjust constantly
I feel like I’ve been the one adjusting:
giving him space
trying not to ask for reassurance
trying not to be “too much”
But I don’t feel like he adjusts for me in return.
- His reaction to conflict / my last message
Recently I sent a calm message explaining that I need a relationship where I can express how I feel, where it doesn’t turn into arguments, explanations, or corrections, and where I feel heard and safe.
He hasn’t responded at all.
This isn’t the first time he has gone silent when things get emotional.
How it makes me feel
I often feel:
unheard
dismissed
like my feelings are wrong
like I’m the only one trying to move toward connection
My question:
Does this sound like avoidant behavior, or is this just emotional unavailability / incompatibility?