so i have been having mental breakdowns about my weight gain cuz of seroquel and i wanted to quit it cold turkey but my psychiatrist told me not to so now ive dropped from 400mg to 200mg and its been like 6 days and now im like cutting quarter of it and soon im gonna drop to 100 cuz now i think ive been taking 175 for a while, what yall recommend to help with the anxiety and does it even help you for anxiety ?
i've been a stoner for 4 years and so like basically since i was 16 and ik it's not that long but it's the only thing im genuinely interested in like i know this sounds depressing but im not really good at anything or have any hobbies or really big dreams, im just a girl who really loves weed like i love smoking it and learning about like i know so many things about weed and so many random facts and i love how it's saved so many peoples lives or made it easier for people with chronic or severe conditions and i want to work in this industry because i know id be helpful since i love studying about the chemistry of weed and its benefits like tbh id even settle in working at a smoke shop selling weed😂like i just want to work with anything that has to do with weed and learning about strains and their effects and shi
i started smoking because it felt like relief. it slowed down the noise in my head, softened the intensity of my emotions, and made me feel like i could finally breathe. with bpd and years of depression, my mind never feels quiet, and weed felt like the closest thing to peace i could find.
but over time it became a ritual. being alone in my dark room, smoking, listening to sad music, watching depressing edits or heavy shows, replaying painful memories, sometimes just sitting there feeding the emptiness. it stopped being about getting high and became the only environment where i felt emotionally safe.
i realized i wasn’t just addicted to weed, i was addicted to the entire emotional state around it.
i can’t smoke without wanting sadness, and i can’t sit with sadness without craving weed. they became fused together. weed became my permission to disappear from real life for a while to stop performing, stop being perceived, stop fighting my own brain.
the scary part is that sometimes i think i loved the misery too. not because suffering is enjoyable, but because it became familiar. chaos feels normal. pain feels honest. peace feels suspicious. when life gets a little better, i almost sabotage it because happiness feels unfamiliar and temporary, but sadness feels like home.
i’ve tried quitting before, psych wards, rehab, forced sobriety, all of it. but the hardest part was never the physical withdrawal. it was facing the emptiness underneath it. weed was never just a habit, it was my coping mechanism, my emotional routine, my protection.
sometimes i wonder if i’m addicted to weed or addicted to the version of myself that exists when i’m high hidden, numb, and untouched by the world.
does anyone else feel like quitting weed means grieving an entire version of yourself, not just giving up a substance
for years i thought my problem was just weed, but i realized weed was never the full story. the real addiction was emotional familiarity.
i became addicted to sadness.
sad content used to feel comforting because it gave my pain language. it made me feel seen. when i was younger and couldn’t explain the heaviness in my head, those videos, sad edits, depressing shows, and tragic characters felt like they understood me better than real people did. it felt like finally someone was translating my mind.
but after a while, it stopped being comfort and became identity.
i built rituals around it smoking weed alone in my room, watching sad content for hours, replaying painful memories, feeding my own emptiness. weed and sadness became tied together so deeply that i can’t separate them anymore. i can’t smoke without wanting sadness, and i can’t sit in sadness without wanting weed.
it feels like i trained my nervous system to find peace in misery. happiness feels unfamiliar, almost suspicious. chaos feels like home. pain feels honest. even when life starts getting a little better, i sabotage it because suffering feels safer than hope.
with bpd, emotions already feel extreme, so sadness can become intoxicating. it’s dramatic, familiar, and weirdly comforting. sometimes i think i don’t even know who i am without it. like if i let go of the pain, i lose part of my identity.
it sounds ridiculous to admit, but sometimes i feel more afraid of healing than of staying miserable, because misery is predictable. healing feels like stepping into something unknown without armor.
does anyone else relate to feeling addicted not just to weed, but to your own sadness? like you don’t just fear pain you keep returning to it because it feels like the only place your mind recognizes as home
I've been on seroquel for a really long time but i've always been on 50mg which is a really low dose, i used it for sleep and it really helped and then i quit and was put in the psych ward/rehab and i was quitting weed at the time so the doctors at the psych ward put me at 600mg which is a really big change for me, anyways i was 56kgs since i lost a lot of weight from weed addiction and being put on seroquel helped me eat when i couldn't eat for months after quitting weed even tho i would wake up at night with my nails stuffed with chocolate and my face filled with chocolate and sleeping around candy wrappers but i didnt mind that since i didnt eat all day, but after a while i relapsed on weed and now i smoke 3 times a day so i eat A LOT and its hard to not eat when ur high but whats harder is not eating after taking my dose at night and i am on 400mg now and now im 65kgs after 7 months of being on it and i didnt stress about gaining weight since i loose weight easily if i starve myself a few days and these 2 months i realized how much weight ive gained and i decided i wanted to loose it so i tried starving for 5 days and not even half a kilo down and every day even if i dont give in to the seroquel munchies and i sleep i wake up 2 hours after sleeping and i eat everything in sight even things i dont even like and the other day i left the stove open while doing ramen noodles while im asleep and also one time i drank makeup remover when im asleep cuz i thought it was juice and recently ive been trying to loose weight in all ways i can like i do intense cardio and lift weights and eat healthy and i still cant loose the weight and then i feel shitty so i binge more and i realized how the sleep binging has effected me until i went back to weed cuz now i eat with weed and i eat while im asleep and i now hate my body so much and its making my mental health 10x worse and sometimes i just starve and do cardio until i cry but then i sleep and wake up an hour later and eat everything in the kitchen and if i make my mom hide sugary stuff and all i eat really random stuff like chocolate powder or just straight up sugar.