u/themoth_milker117

I have a fiance and I love her very much but sometimes I get these random thoughts that I wish I had gotten to date more women. She is the only women I’ve ever been in a relationship with. It’s not that I don’t want to be with her or that I even want to be with another woman, I think I just want to know if other women would find me attractive as a trans man. It could also be a little bit of the fact that my fiance has been with a lot of people before and so I feel inexperienced.
Sometimes I wish I could’ve been a guy who talked to girls but I feel like a missed out on that.
I feel like that makes me a bad fiance, idk… does anyone else understand this?

I’ve always been really dysphoric about my chest. I wear a binder most of the time and I’ve tried taping but I usually get bad blisters and it’s just not fun to deal with. Since I can’t sleep in my binder, I just always wear a t shirt. My fiancee doesn’t really see my shirtless that much unless I’m changing really quick, which I usually turn my chest away from her, or if we’re in the bath, which I usually sit with my knees covering my chest.
Sometimes when we laying in bed or in the bath though, she lays against my chest and I just feel weird about it. For one, my chest is really tender, idk if it’s just because of binding or what, or if I just hate the feeling that much, but it’s usually painful so I’ll let her know and she’ll move away.
But last night we were cuddling and watching a movie and she was laying on my chest. I told her again that it hurt and that my chest is tender so she moved and then we laid side to side so we could see each other. I just expressed “I hate my chest” just kinda out of the blue cause it was on my mind and she asked me why. I explained that I hated having to bind and that I wish I had a flat chest and I wish I could be comfortable shirtless and she said “well I love your chest.” I know she’s means well but I almost don’t want her to like my chest rn. I’m not saying I want her to find my chest repulsive but like, I’m going to get top surgery someday so I hope she doesn’t like them too much cause I’m getting rid of them sooner or later. I told her I just didn’t like my chest and again said I wish I could comfortable shirtless and she said “well take your shirt off then.” I said I didn’t want to because I felt weird and she kept pressing it and I was like “I’m not doing that I hate my chest” and I ended grabbing a blanket to cover my chest up more even though it was hot and she seemed kinda sad and explained that she was just trying to make me feel better.

I know that her intentions were good but I just feel like she doesn’t understand what it’s like for me at all. She’s pansexual so I know she’s understanding of the lgbtq community but I don’t think she’s really ever gotten to understand the trans experience.

I’ve always been really dysphoric about my chest. I wear a binder most of the time and I’ve tried taping but I usually get bad blisters and it’s just not fun to deal with. Since I can’t sleep in my binder, I just always wear a t shirt. My fiancee doesn’t really see my shirtless that much unless I’m changing really quick, which I usually turn my chest away from her, or if we’re in the bath, which I usually sit with my knees covering my chest.
Sometimes when we laying in bed or in the bath though, she lays against my chest and I just feel weird about it. For one, my chest is really tender, idk if it’s just because of binding or what, or if I just hate the feeling that much, but it’s usually painful so I’ll let her know and she’ll move away.
But last night we were cuddling and watching a movie and she was laying on my chest. I told her again that it hurt and that my chest is tender so she moved and then we laid side to side so we could see each other. I just expressed “I hate my chest” just kinda out of the blue cause it was on my mind and she asked me why. I explained that I hated having to bind and that I wish I had a flat chest and I wish I could be comfortable shirtless and she said “well I love your chest.” I know she’s means well but I almost don’t want her to like my chest rn. I’m not saying I want her to find my chest repulsive but like, I’m going to get top surgery someday so I hope she doesn’t like them too much cause I’m getting rid of them sooner or later. I told her I just didn’t like my chest and again said I wish I could comfortable shirtless and she said “well take your shirt off then.” I said I didn’t want to because I felt weird and she kept pressing it and I was like “I’m not doing that I hate my chest” and I ended grabbing a blanket to cover my chest up more even though it was hot and she seemed kinda sad and explained that she was just trying to make me feel better.

I know that her intentions were good but I just feel like she doesn’t understand what it’s like for me at all. She’s pansexual so I know she’s understanding of the lgbtq community but I don’t think she’s really ever gotten to understand the trans experience.

Before I start this, I don’t need any comments saying “BUT YOUR TOO YOUNG TO BE GETTING MARRIED!” I’m aware that I am young, but that is not the problem I’m trying to address. Anyways, we don’t plan on actually getting married for like three years.

Lately, my fiance has been really sensitive. She’s always been pretty emotional but it’s gotten to the point where she is crying or giving the silent treatment at least once a day.
The other day, she had asked me a few times throughout the day if I was upset at her, sometimes even after we had just been talking and laughing. I really don’t know if I’m doing something to make her think that but she says I’m not and she just is asking, but it makes me feel bad because I don’t want her to think that. It got to the point where I’m was kinda scared that if I acted wrong she’d think I was mad at her.
So that night, we were talking and joking around and out of nowhere her voice gets really serious (her voice is usually high pitched so it was a noticeable tone) and starts going “are you upset with me? Are you mad at me? Do you think I’m ugly” and was just rapid firing and I freaked out and started saying “no I’m not” and apologized because she sounded serious and I didn’t want her to think I was mad. She immediately just shut down and literally moved away from me. For most of the night then she was crying and just ignoring me. I tried giving her space but she wasn’t calming down so I tried talking to her but if I asked her a question or anything she would just shrug and not engage. I was literally begging her to just say something to me because I didn’t even fully understand what the problem was but she just shut down again. After a while we just went to bed, with me holding her, and everything was kinda just forgotten by morning.
Today, she seemed out of it again and she just kept shrugging it off when I asked her what was wrong and so I tried moving on but when she gets like this, nothing else can happen. She doesn’t want to eat or make food or go anywhere or talk and I literally have no one else to talk to so it gets dauntingly quiet. After a while we decided to go to the park and in the car she loses one of the balls to her nose piercing. We have more at home but it completely ruins her mood and she’s quiet for the rest of the time. She goes to the swings and I toss some bread to the geese. I finally get over to her and sit on the swing next to her and she just goes “I wanna go home” we have been there for like five minutes. I hate being stuck in our little apartment all the time but I agree. I suggest we get ice cream and so we do and she cheers up a little, but then I saw something, I don’t remember what, I think I was just apologizing for the other night, and her mood is ruined once again. So we go home. I apologize for bringing up and say I didn’t mean to ruin the mood, so she does her little shrug thing.
I suggest we play Minecraft to try and lighten the mood and we agree. After a little bit she remembers we have laundry in the washer and so we go to get it.

I should note that we have a chore board. I do not think my fiancée is lazy, she makes the bed more often than me and she’s good about tidying up but she hates doing the dishes so I always do them. I think in the 7 months we have lived in this apartment, she has done them maybe twice. I hate doing dishes too but I always do them. So we made a chore chart and her chore was laundry, which I also used to do all the time. She has not done laundry for nearly a month, I don’t think I have even worn clean socks in a month. I repeatedly ask her to do it and she just remarks “well, give me the quarters for it then.” So today I decided to just do them myself well she was cleaning the apartment.

However, we go to put them into the dryer together and as I’m moving theming into the dryer she is just standing there and watching me. She seems in a good enough mood so I joke “this would go faster if you helped.” In hindsight it was a stupid joke but I was kinda annoyed that I had to do the laundry. She just shrugs and throws a sock I dropped into the dryer and goes “there I’m helping.” The conversation continues and I think I must’ve mentioned the chore chart and how I always do the dishes and that laundry was her chore and she shuts down again. She asks if I think she’s lazy or that she doesn’t do enough and I apologized and said I really didn’t mind doing the laundry but she just seemed sad for the rest of the day. We didn’t get to talk more because I had to leave for work, so I guess I’m just wondering, am I an asshole and as mean to her or is she just too sensitive?

Kinda long but I needed a list
1.) she didn’t stand up for me when her friend drugged me for a very long time until I kept insisting that it hurt me, and then she brought it up after she realized she didn’t want to be friends with him because of something he did to her.
2.) a few times now when I’ve been hurt by someone or about something, if I start ranting about it but my voice is slightly raised because I’m hurt by something, she shuts down and says I’m yelling at her and then I have to apologize.
3.) we both struggle with sh, but I’m actively trying to get better because I know it wouldn’t be fair to tell her to stop if I’m still doing it myself. But she’ll tell me to stop and still does frequently. I understand that it’s not just as easy as deciding to stop (trust me, I know, I’ve struggled with it for 8 yrs now) but I just feel like she doesn’t listen to me or make an effort. Like she’ll tell me she’s struggling and so I’ll comfort her and even lock up all sharp objects I can find and she still finds a way even when I tell her to call me if she needs me. She almost never calls me if she’s thinking about it, the only time she has I literally left home early and sped home and she still had by the time it took me to drive home. It just makes me feel like I couldn’t count on her to comfort me if I were to slip up or have urges.
4.) this is were I’m gonna talk about something sexual, so skip if you want. For context, I am a trans man. Before I was out, I was in a relationship with a man. When we started dating I was 14 and he was 18, and so basically he was a pdf. He was manipulative and I was naive so he did take advantage of my for the three years we were together. Intimacy if very difficult for me because of my trauma, on top of being trans and topping. She’s very understanding, usually, but she likes to bite me. I’ve told her a few times I don’t like being a bit and she says she understands but then just forgets later. Sometimes when she’s going to bite me I’ll wince away and tell her not to but she still will. It’s unfortunate because I was really in the mood last night, which honestly isn’t often because I’ve got a low sex drive but I was going to ask if she wanted to have sex but then she goes ahead and starts trying to bite my hand and I just lost all interest. I feel like she doesn’t listen to me.
Another thing with sex- because I too, I use a prosthetic. I still enjoy sex but I don’t get that much feeling from it because of that. Sometimes we use toys, like a vibrator. She really enjoys that and I love getting her off, and sometimes she positions it in a way that we both can feel it and I really enjoy that. But then she’ll start moving it so only she can feel it and start moving around and making still still well she gets off and the we’re done. So I guess I feel sexually frustated. And in a way, that’s not her fault, cause it’s not her fault that I’m trans and don’t have a real dick, but I just wish she would also care a little more about my pleasure. It’s just hard to bring it up cause I’m afraid I’m gonna sound like some narcissistic man who only cares about getting himself off.
5.) also related to me being trans: I was kicked out of my house back in October, and have recently lost almost all connection to my family, beside one of my sisters (who isn’t really supportive but at least still talks to me) and a brother. My parents are really unsupportive both of me being trans and of me being in a relationship with a woman. The last conversation I had with my mum, she told me she was taking me off their health insurance by January and started going off about “well, when your whole thing with “fiancés name” goes wrong-“ and I ended up hanging up on her. I started crying because I really do love my family and my fiance was comforting me for a bit but then just chimes in with “your mum really hates me” and started acting all emotional. And I understand that it’s difficult for her too but her mum is completely supportive of our relationship, aside for a few things unrelated to us being queer, so I just feel like she doesn’t have room to make the situation about her but she doesn’t that a lot. Anytime I’m sad about my family or something that seriously has NOTHING to do with her, she seems to find a way to make the situation about herself and I end up comforting her or sometimes I end up apologizing for being emotional.
6.) I handle a lot more of the finances than she does. We do split rent even, but I pay the entire electricity bill. I almost always pay for all the groceries (sometimes she’ll pick up one or two cheap items if I ask her to, otherwise I buy all of them). She also asks for gas money a fair amount but it’s hard for me because gas is hella pricey and I’m a deli every driver so I need a lot of gas money. We both work minimum wage and I work two jobs just to cover everything. On top of that, I also have a much more expensive car insurance and I pay for my own phone bill (her mum still pays for hers). I feel like I’m asking her for an arm and a leg if I so much as ask for a little help with the electricity bill and she never gives more than 50 bucks for it. I also am going to be starting at university soon and so I won’t be able to work as much and I’ll have a long drive and college books and tuition so I’m really scared of finances.
7.) last thing and it’s just a single instance but it’s been bothering me since. So I recently started testosterone (yay) and she is helping me with the shots. I’m really appreciative of this. The first two days were weird though because I was having a lot of anxiety and I was nervous and I think I could feel my mood kinda changing because of the new hormones in my body. So Wednesday night I was trying to sleep because I had an early morning at work the next day. I should also note she’s really weird about me sleeping and genuinely makes me feel like shit if I so much as yawn because then “she’s gonna be lonely.” I worked till close at my deliver job that night which is 11 at night and I have a thirty minute drive home and I have work at 8:30 the next day and a thirty minute drive. I needed sleep. But all of a sudden, I felt so fucking awake. There’s was no melatonin in my fucking body and I couldn’t sleep, which increased energy is a side effect of T. I was getting kinda irritable and nervous because I didn’t want to have to try and get through work on no sleep, considering I had work in the morning and another closing shift after that.

There’s a lot of other things I probably could mention, but I just feel like I’ve ranted long enough and I don’t want to be an eyesore for anyone reading this. So, if you did read of all of this, thanks.

Overall, I feel like this whole relationship is just me doing everything in my power to comfort her and take care of her and pay for her and then getting nothing in return when my emotional needs need to be meet. I know there are a lot of things she does for me and I really do love her. I don’t want to end things because I’m hoping this is something we can work out, I just don’t know how to talk to her about it without coming across as “stop feeling emotions and give me attention!” Is there a way to fix this?

I have been 19 for one month now and tomorrow I graduate college with my associates degree. And, I just got prescribed T. My meds will be arriving soon, and I’m so excited. There’s so much happening in my life but I’m so fucking ready. I’ve been waiting for this for so long.

My amazing fiancée will be helping me with my shots cause I’m kinda scared of needles. I’m so ready for the changes and I feel so impatient already. My fiancée told me see can’t wait to watch me on this journey and I nearly cried.

Anyways, just wanted to share the good news. :)

My friend [15M] who I will just call Y, was recently telling me about his new boyfriend. He seemed really excited and I was happy for him at first even though they met on TikTok and I thought that was a little sketch. Anyway, after our other friends leave the room he starts telling me about this guy that I can’t tell anyone else. This is were it gets just straight up unbelievable.

First of all, he says the guy is 20 YEARS OLD. And I hope I speak for us all when I say- we don’t like pdf in this community. He then goes on to say that this guy is from Russia but moved to California I guess, at a somewhat young age, but still has a super strong accent. Guy then came out as trans and gets kicked out. Guy then lives with his grandma who supports him and he gets on T, and then almost immediately gets ALL the surgeries including bottom surgery, which he apparently healed on in a couple months. ALSO, again where it gets stupid unbelievable, he is in a gang, and has apparently taken a bullet for Y because he looked at a text message from Y during a deal and god forbid you take your phone out, you get shot. Also he is six foot one. Also, in Y’s words, he is “every trans man’s transition goals.” Fuck no. He looks like every white guy I’ve ever seen on TikTok. I wanna look like a fucking lumberjack but thanks.

So anyway, because of all that, I start asking Y about the surgeries he got and Y doesn’t know any of the specifics. Apparently, this guy got bottom surgery very quickly after starting T, has a large penis now, can get hard NATURALLY without any implant or device, and is fully able to evacuate. I’m aware some of these things are possible but I believe you cannot get hard naturally because of missing tissue and blood vessels needed. Also, those surgeries are like three parts and require something like an implant to get erect. I’m not sure what to tell him anymore, he just keeps saying that this guy is a medical miracle apparently.

Edit: I feel I should also mention that Y met this guy through someone else that he met on TikTok, who apparently claims to have had sex with the guy.

UPDATE: me and my fiancée told Y’s brother’s gf and she talked to his brother who eventually talked to Y. Y has now blocked me and texted my fiancée telling her he never said the guy was 20 and is claiming that this guy is 16, which is also younger than he originally told his brother and brother’s girlfriend. His first claim was that the guy was 20, but later told me he was 20, and also told my fiancée he was 20. My fiancée explained to Y that she and I very distinctly remember Y saying the guy was 20 and Y said something to the extent of “well I’m sure you loved to believe your fiancée” so I’m not what else will happen from there. I know we can trust that his brothers gf will still side with us and does believe us because she already didn’t like the idea of this guy talking Y.

If you want to see the text see my most recent post.

I’m not really sure how to categorize this but I just want to say it. I’m 19 now, as of April 6th, and I am a trans man. I have been living with my fiancée since November of last year, in our apartment that we get a little over a month after I became homeless. I was kicked out of my parents house when I told them I was trans. I thought I was going to die. There were times I had to sneak through my fiancées window, while she still lived with her parents, because I had no where to go and her parents didn’t want me staying, I had to stay at my best friends house on the weekend, who unfortunately is my ex’s younger sister. And yes, he does still live there too and I would see him occasionally. I slept in a car once too, and it was the worst night of my life.

I am now graduating from college with my associates of general science.

I can’t believe that it’s happening. I genuinely thought I would not be able to get through this semester but here we are.

There’s still one thing missing, though. I am not on testosterone. There are plenty of people in my life right now that support me and see me as who I am, but for the ones who don’t, they outnumber the ones who do. I feel like I am still wanting to live my life.

I am on my parents medical insurance but since I am now officially cut off from them, I didn’t have the id card and I had to call the insurance company to get it but I am getting it now. I am going to get on testosterone. I am not waiting for my life to start anymore. I am starting it right now.