credit to Nova from Mariposa for the rainbow overall dress 💕
I made this as a gift for my therapist and she loved it. ❤️
One of the many reasons why I fell so hard for him was that we had so much in common. Hobbies, interests, music tastes, world views. We never ran out of things to talk about and got along so well. I really struggle to connect with people, so our friendship/relationship/situationship/whatever it was meant the world to me. I was devastated when shit hit the fan with us and we had to go our separate ways.
Currently, my mental health is at rock bottom. The worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Everything that I do to try and make myself feel better reminds me of him and I feel like I’m losing my mind because I can’t escape him.
Photography has been one of my favorite hobbies for many years and whenever I was in a depressive episode, I would reach for my camera, snap some pictures, and then edit them on my computer. It would instantly make me feel so much better, especially when I got a good shot and edited it just the way I liked it. I’m self taught and not to toot my own horn, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it over the years.
It was one of the things that he and I bonded over. He went to university to study photography and his goal was to make a professional career out of it. We would share tips, techniques, and the photos we took. I was always interested in learning about film photography and that was his preferred format.
When I found his girlfriend’s Instagram, it was full of pictures of them that were taken with his film camera. At parties, clubs, fancy dinners, travelling. They travel a lot together. And in those pictures that are taken of them by other people while travelling, he has that stupid fucking camera around his neck.
I haven’t picked up my camera in so long. It‘s collecting dust in my closet where I don’t have to look at it anymore.
He really loves music. He plays the guitar, played in a band for a while, and goes to concerts all the time. We shared Spotify playlists early on in our situationship/relationship and found out we had the exact same music taste. He and I would make playlists for each other with songs that we thought the other would like. I still remember how giddy I was when he told me how much he loved the playlist I made for him and that I had great taste. I ended up deleting my Spotify account afterward and a majority of the bands I used to listen to, I can’t anymore without thinking of him.
We were both born into Disney obsessed families and that was another thing that we bonded over- how we basically both grew up there and the parks were like a second home to us. A few months after our ‘friendship’ ended, I was checking his girlfriend’s Instagram and noticed that they had taken a Disney vacation together along with her family. They looked so happy together and were having a great time. I want to be happy for him but I can’t. Knowing that he’s perfectly fine without me and isn’t sorry about pursuing me and using me as a rebound/emotional support while they were having relationship problems, and tossing me aside as soon as they worked it out and got back together again.
My last Disney trip was a few months ago and I spent most of the time in the hotel room instead of enjoying the parks with my family- it was too triggering and hurt too much. I know it sounds ridiculous that I’m letting him control me like this, but at the time I wasn’t ready. During my next Disney trip, I’ll try going into the parks and not think of him although I know it’ll be extremely hard.
My favorite form of self care is taking baths- with a bath bomb, some bubble bath, and a nice smelling candle. Of course that had to be ruined by him too (and myself for looking at his girlfriend’s social media profiles). On Valentine’s Day, she posted pictures of them in the bathtub together while they were on a ‘romantic getaway’. They’ve been together for years so I obviously knew that they’re intimate but actually seeing it was so heartbreaking for me. That was the final push I needed to finally stop looking at her social media profiles.
It’s been a long time since I’ve last checked their profiles and resisting the urge has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to to. But I’m proud of myself for making it this far going no contact. I wish I never met him.
One of the many reasons why I fell so hard for LO was that we had so much in common. Hobbies, interests, music tastes, world views. We never ran out of things to talk about and got along so well. I really struggle to connect with people, so our friendship/relationship/situationship/whatever it was meant the world to me. I was devastated when shit hit the fan with us and we had to go our separate ways.
Currently, my mental health is at rock bottom. The worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Everything that I do to try and make myself feel better reminds me of him and I feel like I’m losing my mind because I can’t escape him.
Photography has been one of my favorite hobbies for many years and whenever I was in a depressive episode, I would reach for my camera, snap some pictures, and then edit them on my computer. It would instantly make me feel so much better, especially when I got a good shot and edited it just the way I liked it. I’m self taught and not to toot my own horn, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it over the years.
It was one of the things that LO and I bonded over. He went to university to study photography and his goal was to make a professional career out of it. We would share tips, techniques, and the photos we took. I was always interested in learning about film photography and that was his preferred format.
When I found his girlfriend’s Instagram, it was full of pictures of them that were taken with his film camera. At parties, clubs, fancy dinners, travelling. They travel a lot together. And in those pictures that are taken of them by other people while travelling, he has that stupid fucking camera around his neck.
I haven’t picked up my camera in years. It‘s collecting dust in my closet where I don’t have to look at it anymore.
LO really loves music. He plays the guitar, played in a band for a while, and goes to concerts all the time. We shared Spotify playlists early on in our situationship/relationship and found out we had the exact same music taste. He and I would make playlists for each other with songs that we thought the other would like. I still remember how giddy I was when he told me how much he loved the playlist I made for him and that I had great taste. I ended up deleting my Spotify account afterward and a majority of the bands I used to listen to, I can’t anymore without thinking of him.
We were both born into Disney obsessed families and that was another thing that we bonded over- how we basically both grew up there and the parks were like a second home to us. A few months after our ‘friendship’ ended, I was checking his girlfriend’s Instagram and noticed that they had taken a Disney vacation together along with her family. They looked so happy together and were having a great time. I want to be happy for him but I can’t. Knowing that he’s perfectly fine without me and isn’t sorry about pursuing me and using me as a rebound/emotional support while they were having relationship problems, and tossing me aside as soon as they worked it out and got back together again.
My last Disney trip was a few months ago and I spent most of the time in the hotel room instead of enjoying the parks with my family- it was too triggering and hurt too much. I know it sounds ridiculous that I’m letting LO control me like this, but at the time I wasn’t ready. During my next Disney trip, I’ll try going into the parks and not think of him although I know it’ll be extremely hard.
My favorite form of self care is taking baths- with a bath bomb, some bubble bath, and a nice smelling candle. Of course that had to be ruined by him too (and myself for looking at his girlfriend’s social media profiles). On Valentine’s Day, she posted pictures of them in the bathtub together while they were on a ‘romantic getaway’. They’ve been together for years so I obviously knew that they’re intimate but actually seeing it was so heartbreaking for me. That was the final push I needed to finally stop looking at her social media profiles.
It’s been three years since I’ve last checked their profiles and resisting the urge has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to to. But I’m proud of myself for making it this far going no contact. I wish I never met him.
My depression and anxiety have been kicking my ass lately and my mental health is currently at rock bottom. I’m trying to get through it but it’s been so difficult. I’m so tired of fighting with my own brain every day. At least Chinese food will make me feel better.
Sweet and sour chicken, vegetable lo mein and crab rangoon.
It’s been five years being limerent (and four years no contact) for my current LO and I know that in order to fully move on from him, I need to address the root causes of my limerence and why I feel the way that I feel to stop these obsessive thoughts. This post is mainly just a way for me to get my thoughts together to show my therapist during our next session.
Childhood trauma: I had a really rough and lonely childhood but I don’t feel comfortable sharing the details online yet, or ever. It would provide context toward the beginning stages of my limerent tendacies but again, it’s too personal to share here. As a result, I developed maladaptive daydreaming as a coping mechanism to help myself get through my childhood and teen years. I found comfort in my fantasy worlds and imagined getting my emotional needs met that way. I never truly felt safe or protected at home.
No close, meaningful connections: When I was around 5 years old, I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder called selective mutism. The name of the disorder is kind of misleading- because of my anxiety, whenever I’m anxious or stressed my body gets locked in a ‘freeze’ response and I’m physically unable to speak in certain situations- mostly social situations. It’s like my vocal cords lock up and I can’t get any sound out. I don’t choose when it happens and it’s completely involuntary. Because of this, I have an extremely hard time making friends or really talking to new people in general.
I have one very close friend who I’m so grateful to have in my life, but other than that I’m mostly alone. I’m not very close with my family and I haven’t been able to find more of ‘my people’ who I feel a connection with. All throughout my life, I’ve never felt like my social needs were met so again, I retreated into my fantasy worlds where I felt less lonely. I always felt unwanted, ignored, invisible, and unable to fit in anywhere no matter how hard I tried. I’ve pretty much been a lifelong loner.
I’m also 99% sure I’m on the autism spectrum but I haven’t been assessed or diagnosed yet- there’s something else going on other than the social anxiety and I’ve been doing A LOT of research about it. Along with my OCD, it’s probably one of the reasons why I tend to hyperfocus on certain things and people. It’s like my LO is my special interest.
No self esteem: Because of how quiet I was while growing up, I was the perfect target for bullying because I was unable to tell anyone what was happening. All throughout elementary, middle, and high school I was severely bullied- having everything about me nitpicked and made fun of. I couldn’t escape it even at home because of the abuse from my older sister. Most of the attention I’ve received throughout my life has been negative, so I was desperate for any kind of positive attention which has got me into some really shitty situations.
Current life situation:: This is another thing I don’t want to get into, but right now my life is just a mess where nothing is going right and everything is awful. I’m hoping that when things change for the better, then maybe some of my limerent thoughts will pass or be easier to handle.
Diagnosed mental illnesses: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Obessive Compulsive Disorder.