u/gigithrowaway20

21F

I’ve been currently working as children’s art educator for the past 3 years, I haven’t had any formal training (college or private schooling) and have had this job since I was in high school. I kept the job because at the time I really needed the money but the commute is so horrible. It’s 2+ hours long, and as a whole I just don’t think teaching was ever something I wanted to do. It was just something found myself in.

Lately I’ve been getting more and more into hobbies that I didn’t have the privilege or time for as a kid, but this job takes all my energy and burns me out so quickly. I’m honestly thinking of quitting and getting a job somewhere else, where the pay might be less but the work isn’t less intense as well. I wouldn’t mind working in a cafe, or library or even a floral shop. Just somewhere where there aren’t kids screaming at me and I’m not wearing myself down chasing after them, getting sick repeatedly or staining my clothes with art supplies all the time.

I want time to make my own schedule, I want to practice ballet, I want to continue figure skating, I want to further my visual arts career and I want to put as much work into it now that I’m still “young”. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I spent my most malleable years taking care of other people’s children and wearing myself down. The thing is I need money to make that all happen but honestly I just don’t know if this job is worth what it’s paying me anymore (which isn’t even a consistent or high enough amount to be able to live on my own)

I guess what I’m trying to say is, would it be wrong of me to quit my job just because I wish I had more time to my own hobbies and life goals? I feel so selfish for choosing things that seem so trivial on the surface but I think it would make me so much happier to actually have time to myself, dedicated for myself.

So I’ve decided to finally start the sport I was never able to afford growing up, and the first class was a disaster but that’s a completely different problem.

My current issue is me. My body, how I know I’m ideally supposed to look vs how I do. I have flat feet, wide hips, fat thighs and an overall unflattering torso. I’m in the heavier side of “average” weight for my height and it hurts so much to rise to relevé on foot. In fact I’m almost certain I’m rising all that much at all. My hips are how to stretch and my knees pull and pinch when I try to stretch my leg up to 90 degrees, let alone higher.

I see all these videos of girls online, girls with the money and the privilege and the body to be able to this. They are TINY. With long legs too just make it worse. I just look the mirror and curse every genetic component that’s made me who I am. It hurts. I want to be smaller so badly, but depression is eating at me and I can’t get out of bed. I’m embarrassed. Everyone says I need discipline but I just feel so discouraged.

I’m so tempted to just stop eating all today. Honestly.

I’m just tired of having to give things up because of who I am. Why couldn’t I be someone else. I don’t know what to do.

I wish I could add here, but does anyone else experience this terrible in between where their wonderful sketch becomes this messy blob when the lines are all painted over? I can’t figure what to do from here honestly. And I could use some encouragement or he1p.

I’m devastated oh my god. I don’t know how I made this mistake. It’s just smudged when I paint over it. What can I do? I’m using acrylic paint.

I forgot I had just taken a medication before purging my lunch. Do I take another one to make up for it?

She’s back from her work trip one goddamn day and she’s already made a comment about my body. Right after I purged my lunch too. I’m so over this family. And my sister was making fun of me with her. I’m going to have to go back to jogging every day now. I hate it here so damn much.

I just wish someone would understand why I’m so sad over all the things I can’t do as an adult all because I didn’t have to financial freedom to start as a child. The trips I couldn’t go on, the sports I never joined, the tutors we couldn’t afford. Always worried about groceries and bills. I mourn all that I could have been everyday. It’s like I’m already gone. I don’t know what the long of dealing with this kind of situation forever is.

Saw him while I was at work yesterday! I got flustered again and couldn’t get any words out but he asked for my name!!!! I’m happy omg he cares enough to want to know what to address me as!🥰

I’m think of subtly hinting at coffee next time I see him…hopefully that’s soon😅 I skate so maybe I can invite him out to do that with me sometime too. I don’t know! Pray for me you guys😭