u/fufu1260

I have two exams tomorrow. And I didn’t study for either of them this last week.

I’m a senior and I feel like I’m just giving up. I don’t have bad grades. Like c and above grades. But I’m just exhausted.

This semester has been a mental and emotional roller coaster for me. And my mental health is just getting worse by the day.

I keep telling myself I’m gonna okay but there are just some nights I wanna ape shit.

I really need to see my therapist but insurance being a bitch.

I know we only have three weeks left but I lowk wanna just give up and sleep. I’m so close but I’ve been hanging by a thread for the last few weeks. I’m tired.

But I’m gonna power through. Even if I skip studying tonight I’ll study tomorrow before the tests. I maybe not have much faith in myself but I believe in myself a little bit. I’ve come this far. So idk why I’d stop here.

Yall. I’m ready for graduation. If you hear loud sobbing in the graduation ceremony that might be me. Whether it’s from relief or pent up stress finally being let out. Idk bro.

Good luck to everyone in classes! You’ve all got this!!!

I really wanna do something bad to myself. But I can’t bring myself to. Graduation is in three weeks and if I leave any marks on myself it’ll be revealed then and everyone will panic. I know I’m an adult and hide this kinda stuff but I’m super scared about if someone finds out it happens. I don’t wanna be reported to ODOS and sent a unit. Tho sometimes given the stress I’m under it would be nice to relax.

My mom keeps saying it’s just the stress and pressure I’m under that’s causing me think this way so I don’t need to talk to my Dr about this but I’ve been wanting to do something to myself every night. I know I’m just tired and overwhelmed with emotions but I don’t feel like I should want to do something like this.

I was simply cooking a meal today the looked at the burner. Being reminded of how I once I stuck my hand on it without a care of whether it’d burn me or not. I also thought about how I could use to do something.

Idk. I’m so tired of how I feel. I’m super depressed and it’s so stupid cause it’s all over a guy. I just really like him. But I know he’ll never feel the same way. I feel like my bsf is trying to discourage me from so I’ll fall for my bsf but idk. He says he doesn’t see me that way.

But like yeah. I just hate myself for liking him. He always seems so happy with other people. Others girls. He never smiles at me the way he does wit them. Neither does he laugh. He just laughs when I say or do something stupid. He laughs when I’m overdramatic. He just doesn’t like me. He sees me as entertainment most likely. Ans it hurts. Cause I just wanna see his smile.

But. On the bright side. I called a comic a meme today and he got onto me about that and when I told him to shut up he laughed a bit. Idk why but like ong. When this man laughs or smiles. It makes melt. I really wish he smiled more around me. I really love it when he does.

But like I still hate the intense eye contact he gives me sometimes. Absolutely terrifies me. Like this guy. Omg. Istg he must know I’m a sub cause he’ll eye me until I look away. And it’s honestly unsettling but also like butterflies.

Aughhhhhhh. I’m just tired. That’s what I’m gonna keep telling myself until I actually do something to myself. And idk. I’m feeling like doing something to myself. I’m not ending it. But I want physical pain over this emotional turmoil. I’m suffering every day.

FML.

I need a job for after school and at this rate might be willing to take any payment. So like. What’s a legit wfh job?

I was trying to help someone not cxt themselves on r/depression but got told o was threatening violence. I recommended using ice cubes cause that’s what my therapist recommended to me when I was struggling with these thoughts

I hope u/reddit sees this. I would never hurt anyone.

Okay. So I recently shared how my lips have been so much better and not crusty. And I wanted to share my method.

First. Make sure when you start this nightly routine that you have healed lips. While the products I use are healthy for the skin and good to use they’re not entirely being meant to use to heal.

So. Make sure your lips aren’t cracked. But if they’re cracked, aquaphor the shit outta out them 24/7.

Secondly. This is what u do every night. Before I go to bed, I put some hyaluronic acid on my lips and let that seep in and dry. The HA will help rejuvenate your skin and keep it hydrated. HA is often associated with healthy younger looking skin but it’s also good for hydration which I think is why skin might look younger. Please do not use this when your lips are severely chapped or cracked. After I let he Ha dry. I use aloe Vera on my lips. Aloe has healing measures and also locks in hydration just like HA but be extremely careful if you use aloe on chapped lips. If there is any burning. Sensation when using it. Stop using it until your lips are healed and focused on aquaphor. Then lastly. This part is optional but after using those two products, put on some aquaphor. I know I’ve mentioned aquaphor a lot but I cannot express how helpful it is to heal and keep your lips soft. Alternatively you can use a lip mask over night. I have lainege lip mask but I don’t use that or aquaphor every night. But using those does help seal in that moisture and also add a healing layer to your lips making them less dry.

Note. When I say aquaphor. I don’t mean the chapsticks they have. I mean get a tub or bottle of aquaphor lotion and apply some on the lips.

This is just what has been working for me lately. I’m not sure if my lips are better cause of the weather but this care has been keeping my lips plump and soft.

Don’t let your lips give you sensory issues.

Good luck

Comment if you have any questions.

I know what happened is still considered SA but I don’t feel like it’s valid anymore.

I just read a post where a girl was SA’d all day in both holes by her bf and she was yelling at him to stop and fighting back. And as physically hurt

I just feel like I should count mine as SA cause it wasn’t traumatic. All he did was put it in without permission but then he stoped when I said ow. And went to the other hole.

Someone asked if he used lube and I didn’t realize it was an issue that he didn’t use lube before trying.

I get that I was non verbal and mind blank but I feel like that’s not enough to say it’s assault.

I just feel so invalid. I know what he did was wrong. But was it actually SA if he stopped when I said ow?

I’ve had a man used quotes when he called I’d assault. So it’s not assault. Right?

So. I have a huge crush on my professor (I’m 22f and he’s 28m) and well. I was talking to my bsf (23m) about it and how like I was kinda stupid for thinking I could date right now and my bsf told me it’s best not to tell my prof about my feelings cause I’m just gonna get rejected.

Reason? Cause I just stated processsing my SA and I cant stand being touched much. And my prof being a guy. He wouldn’t wanna date a girl who doesn’t wanna be physically intimate.

Yesterday this lowk broke me down cause I’d been building up the ways I gonna tell him and wondering about whether he’d say yes or no. But I should have just told myself all this time that was a bad idea

I feel really stupid for even thinking about this cause why would anyone wanna date someone who’s been SA’d. No guy wants a for now celibate girl who used to be active until she got assaulted. Guys want girls who can hug kiss and have sex. But I just don’t fit that anymore and so no guy would want me.

It just sucks cause the only reason I’m saying if he uncomfortable with him touching me is cause idk for sure how I’d react. I trust this guy a lot cause he’s a sensible guy. And I really do wanna sleep him but I don’t ever wanna build up the tension then have to blue ball him due to an anxiety pit in my stomach.

I just feel hopeless. No guy wants a girl celibate girl. Or a girl who can’t even stand being touched. No one wants a girl who won’t sleep in the same bed. Or even sleep over at his place.

I think I’m just better off alone at this rate. I like living alone anyway.

Also. For clarity. If he did agree to date me I would tell him about the SA and how it’s affected me. My bsf just thinks my prof wouldn’t want that kind of relationship.

And my mom agrees with my bsf.

Also the prof in question is my bsf boss so it’s even more for the best we don’t date.

Ugh. I’m just sad. I wish I had hope in dating but I haven’t been able to do therapy due to cost reasons. I really wanna work through it. And if we had dated I would have worked to do exposure therapy so I’d get more comfortable.

It’s just rough.

Also. I would wait til I graduate to tell him