u/demongodd3s

All of this time. The time you saw my facial expressions when you called me “king” how couldn’t you notice that i wanted to be your queen instead? I felt so unseen. I felt the way you felt about your “girl-friends” . Its not my fault i can read through people and get information on about how people feel towards each other.. its exhausting going out and seeing all the people look at me as i can see through their facial expressions of curiosity, disgust and lust. Its tiring and now ive got no friends too so i assume i hit the total jackpot to be a friendless tranny. And im poor too so i can forget about ever “passing” since the surgeries i want cost about 25-30 k euros. I feel weak. I feel hopeless. I cant think of a single day i didnt think about ending it all. Its funny to remember that last year, after our breakup i was almost there. So close to it. And yet it didnt go deep enough. I puked as the blood dropped on the mental hospitals floor and took a shower after. When i asked for a bandage to the nurse she made fun of me asking “do you feel better now?” Well i do feel a bit better i guess. I met this girl online and we have so much in common. I cant wait to get away from this horrible place where everyone clearly hates me. And its my fault too. Who could endure a jealous outcast anyway. People love to spread awareness of mental illnesses but when someone is actually sick of lifelong bullying for being who they are, suddenly its too much and I’m a hell of a bad person. Anyway to all the “alt” people trying to be outcasts when you could be easily part of the societies norm. Even more if you’re straight, cis and white, like wtf are u even doing? It sickens me the way normies wanna relate to actual outcasts but they actually just perform to get attention. What kind of world is this? Is this hell? Please give me a painless and quick death whatever god there is still left. Free me from this misery.

This song played in my mind for a long time. Its from an artist which i can really relate to. These days i cant listen to it anymore. It is a big reminder of what we were to each other and what we are in this world. Rejects, outcasts, lost souls. Im really tired of running away but im scared if i stay ill make a mistake, blue skies have all turned grey. I walk alone, im a stray. Im a loner, im a loser. We’re the rejects, unwanted. Forever alone together.
Or so i thought..

I dont know. I wrote him an apology like a week ago after all that happened i wanted to give that to us and end it with a clean cut eventhough were already broken up for more than a year. I cant lie it was the hardest time of my life. He also didnt choose the best timing to break up to be fair. We had a place together, i got psychotic from weed and endet up comming out as a trans girl. After some fight i got into rehab and a week in he broke up with me. Send my things back to my moms. And that was it. We texted and he just wanted space . Sadly i was so needy and it got to my head. I called him slurs and made the situation public . How i felt used by him after he took me in for a night. He knew i wanted more than just a body. I needed a soul to talk to and a shoulder to rest on when i get weak. Its been so long now and after that all happened ive had 3 attemps and many plannings to end it. How would i live without him i wondered? Love is all i wanted really. To trust someone. But i know deep inside he was hiding feelings that he didnt tell me about. Why would he when i was extremly jealous anyway and got psychotic out of that. I wish he would just say something soothing to calm me down one last time. Tell me that my way of loving isnt sick and that im not completly crazy or an outcast. But i know that wouldnt be true…. I always wanted to find magic in this world and i found it. It has a price and that price can be very high if the magic is potent, like our love was. Thank you for bringing magic into my world, L. I dont plan to live till old age, ive told u that before. The world hates girls like me. Were not “real” girls and people see us a joke or a “trend”but ill have some years before i drown in your memory, choosing to end it myself one day. Im gonna live untill then. Ill give my best for my art, for the entities i worship, for my love, for our past and my future. I just hope that one day we can laugh at all of the mess we’ve made but i know ure not even gonna read this. This is goodbye L. Your J-

Ive been screaming for days if not weeks. Maybe even months. My lungs are left with no energy to keep screaming. I scream but no tone comes out. Ive had many dreams of that scream before and it broke me every time. It was more than a scream. It was a cry for help, but no one ever listened. And no one will. Truth is: you can scream you whole life and still be unheard. As long as you dont hear your own screams and change something in your behavior everything will stay the same. He wont save you, he was never your savior. He enjoyed your attention, the way you gave up living just for him. While he was evolving and making money you were the one sleeping in an air mattress, smoking gas from morning till day, not eating because he seemed to have made a comment about how you gained weight, simply feeling like the ugly duck when he could have so many girls. And you were right. At your lowest when you dropped your weapons and were about to go schizophrenic forever he was the one to go. Not out of anger or because he actually wanted someone else. But because you were already killing yourself, belittling yourself just to be with him. Accepting the faith that you could never be as pretty as a “real” girl. He might have been heartless by abandoning you but who is the heartless one if you never had a heart for yourself to begin with? Its not an easy way and no one else will really ever get your point of view but to those who cant understand yet must walk in your shoes to do so.

Truth is probably none of us are 100% okay but for me it really felt like i was nothing when he left. I predicted it for so long but yet i was surprised. I couldn’t let go and that tore me apart. I was in the psych ward for a bit. I had suicidal thoughts every second of the day for so long and multiple attempts. Its not just you. The world isnt easy for my kind or any kind of minority really. I try to make my best out of it but i always end up on 0. I cant stop smoking, i cant eat for days sometimes and i sometimes feel nauseous and puke out of nowhere. With nothing in my stomach. sometimes things don’t feel real to me . Im just a ghost walking around, a joke to society. The priestess told me that it was my faith to die a thousand times and id have to feel that every time but i really didnt wish to be cursed like this. I dont think anyone does. And anyway who would rlly want to work with me. People laugh at me as if i were a joke. Nowadays i can deal with it and i laugh it off but its alot of pressure. And yet id rather be myself than to comform to this cursed, foul pile of meat we call a society. Honestly the hate of these foul beings is the only thing keeping me alive, id rather end it than be like them. And anyways. Its my fault for believing a cis gendered - pan sexual man could ever truly protect me from such thing and believing a man is overall a bad idea. I did my fair share of wrong doings but im not an evil entity of some sort to be this misunderstood. Or am i?

Ive been screaming for days if not weeks. Maybe even months. My lungs are left with no energy to keep screaming. I scream but no tone comes out. Ive had many dreams of that scream before and it broke me every time. It was more than a scream. It was a cry for help, but no one ever listened. And no one will. Truth is: you can scream you whole life and still be unheard. As long as you dont hear your own screams and change something in your behavior everything will stay the same. He wont save you, he was never your savior. He enjoyed your attention, the way you gave up living just for him. While he was evolving and making money you were the one sleeping in an air mattress, smoking gas from morning till day, not eating because he seemed to have made a comment about how you gained weight, simply feeling like the ugly duck when he could have all the cis girls. And you were right. At your lowest when you dropped your weapons and were about to go schizophrenic forever he was the one to go. Not out of anger or because he actually wanted someone else. But because you were already killing yourself, belittling yourself just to be with him. Accepting the faith that you could never be as pretty as a cisgendered girl. He might have been heartless by abandoning you but who is the heartless one if you never had a heart for yourself to begin with? Its not an easy way and no one else will really ever get your point of view but to those who cant understand yet must walk in your shoes to do so. - love, Julia/É

Als ich mit dir war, war ich so glücklich so einen wunderbaren mann an meiner seite zu haben, doch die eifersucht die situationsbedingt sich in mir aufbaute war unerträglich. Sie sagte mir 2,5-3 jahre lang, dass du sowieso gehen wirst. Egal ob für jemand anderes oder für deine “freiheit” naja das war ja auch. Ich habe dich isoliert. Auch wenn es von meinen augen eher beschützen war, kann ich deine perspektive besser sehen, doch war ich wirklich so krankhaft für meine eifersucht???? Ich meine wie hätte das klappen sollen? Hättest du deine ex aus der freundesgruppe auch zur hochzeit eingeladen und die andere mit der du einen dreier hattest? Ganz ehrlich ich denke du wolltest mich nie heiraten so wie ich das wollte. Es war alles ein witz. Von meinen gefühlen bis zu deinen Worten die du mir sagtest. All die Sicherheit die du versucht hast mir zu geben. Kamen von einem ohr rein und vom anderen raus. Ich weiß du denkst, dass ich oh so beliebt bin und viele freunde habe aber das war nie mein fall. Vorallem nach dem Anfang der Transition gingen viele der sogenannten “Freunde” aus meinem Leben. Ich will hier sicherlich nicht meine Eifersucht oder meine schlechten Taten dir gegenüber entschuldigen . Ich weiß dass es falsch war und ich weiß auch, dass du es nie ganz verstehen wirst. Man ich wünschte ich hätte meine dummen emotionen im griff halten können damit ich nicht in diese Schreckliche Psychose gefallen wäre. Aber all das hier was ich schreibe…. Bedeutet nichts. Ein schrei in die ewige leere. Ich hoffe wenigstens , dass du meinen entschuldigungstext gelesen hast . Ich werde dich weiter und tiefer in meinem herzen einbuddeln müssen aber ich denke gern über dich und uns nach… leb wohl

I know i fucked up hard . I thank you for reading the apology note. I truly needed to burry my guilt somehow and im not gonna act like im not still sorry but thank you for (probably) getting the message. I hope i didnt further mess up things cuz i have decided to live for me now. I had spend way too long mourning your loss and trying to end my misery but im okay now. We will never be the same. As the old R in me is dead the old you also died. Ure a great guy dont ever let people treat you like a substitute friend or keep you around even when they dont want you actually around. Many things happened back then which i wasnt happy about. And many things on your side which you werent happy about. Ive given up the part in me that still wanted to sort it out and work through it with you. Im sorry but it hurt too much to only get crumbs when i needed you whole heart. Im okay now and i hope that youre okay too. Please be happy. Thats all i ever wanted for you. Im sorry i couldnt show this the right way…. Take care

- J/E