u/bounty_paglu

See I was butt ugly. Like super butt ugly. Overweight, acne, no hair (buzzed my head), hyperpigmentation all over my body (I'm not kidding just imagine cheetah spots but ugly), shrimp like posture.

When I was butt ugly, stacies and men both would talk to me but keep me at a distance.

Then I started swimming for funsies and things got a lil better. Lost weight, hair grew, hyperpigmentation started fading, posture improved.

When I improved physically, stacies would give me backhanded compliments. Question me why I was wearing a particular outfit even though her other stacy friends would wear the same kind of outfit but she never questioned them on their personal choices. Say "oh you finally turned into a girl from a boy" in front of everyone and laugh in my face. Men during this time obv became nicer as expected.

I went into a depressive phase again recently and turned into an acne prone hyperpigmented buzzed haired fat pig again. And now the same stacies are nicer to me for some reason and always wanna hangout with me. They keep wanting me to tag along as their lackey or their DUFF (designated ugly fat friend). They even mock my voice in class because it doesn't match my appearance now. Men well they stopped approaching me romantically but still talk to me as if I'm human.

Myquals

I'm a 19 yro female. I passed my 12th boards in 2023-24 with PCMB as subjects and I obtained a mere 69.4%. In 10th grade fortunately I scored enough marks to get 94.5%

After 12th, I took a gap year to figure myself out and got some help from a psych. Then I joined a random BCA college and finished my 1st year during 2025-26

It's 2026 right now. I have no clue what to do. I just want to make real good money.

The degree I'm currently in, feels like it has no future coz of the current job market and the possibility of AI decreasing the need for humans in this field.

I am ready to switch into any course or any degree this year (I'll have 2 gap years) or next year (I'll have 3 gap years).

Obv entrance exams aren't possible this year so private colleges are the only option. But next year I could def aim for them and get into a good reputed uni through entrance exams. Also I'm ready to increase my 12th marks through NIOS if required next year.

I just wanna switch or get a path that'd land me a job that pays real good. I don't mind which sector the job is in really, engineering, medical, finance, humanities, arts, govt etc.

Edit : can't you ppl see that I said I wanna JUMP SHIP. Why should one stay on the wrong train? Isn't it better to get off when you realise it's the wrong train?

I'm a 19 yro female. I passed my 12th boards in 2023-24 with PCMB as subjects and I obtained a mere 69.4%. In 10th grade fortunately I scored enough marks to get 94.5%

After 12th, I took a gap year to figure myself out and get some help from a psych. Then I joined a random BCA college and finished my 1st year during 2025-26

It's 2026 right now. I have no clue what to do. I just want to make real good money.

The degree I'm currently in, feels like it has no future coz of the current job market and the possibility of AI decreasing the need for humans in this field.

I am ready to switch into any course or any degree this year (I'll have 2 gap years) or next year (I'll have 3 gap years).

Obv entrance exams aren't possible this year so private colleges are the only option. But next year I could def aim for them and get into a good reputed uni through entrance exams. Also I'm ready to increase my 12th marks through NIOS if required next year.

I just wanna switch or get a path that'd land me a job that pays real good. I don't mind which sector the job is in really, engineering, medical, finance, humanities, arts, etc.

I'm a 19 yro female. I passed my 12th boards in 2023-24 with PCMB as subjects and I obtained a mere 69.4%. In 10th grade fortunately I scored enough marks to get 94.5%

After 12th, I took a gap year to figure myself out and get some help from a psych. Then I joined a random BCA college and finished my 1st year during 2025-26

It's 2026 right now. I have no clue what to do. I just want to make real good money.

The degree I'm currently in, feels like it has no future coz of the current job market and the possibility of AI decreasing the need for humans in this field.

I am ready to switch into any course or any degree this year (I'll have 2 gap years) or next year (I'll have 3 gap years).

Obv entrance exams aren't possible this year so private colleges are the only option. But next year I could def aim for them and get into a good reputed uni through entrance exams. Also I'm ready to increase my 12th marks through NIOS if required next year.

I just wanna switch or get a path that'd land me a job that pays real good. I don't mind which sector the job is in really, engineering, medical, finance, humanities, arts, etc.

Edit : can't you ppl see that I said I wanna JUMP SHIP. Why should one stay on the wrong train? Isn't it better to get off when you realise it's the wrong train?

I'm just curious about what students right out of high school are planning on pursuing.

Myquals

​

- I don't do the dishes on time. Sometimes days turn into literal months. Last time I washed the dirty dishes piled up near the counter was prolly a couple months ago.

- I've had 3-4 separate, spaced out instances of maggots in unwashed dishes since I moved out last year. I've kinda gotten used to them or built a tolerance to the whole process of killing and eradicating them by now. But they are still yucky.

- My new house which was pest free last year has become infested with cockroaches since a couple of months.

- I take a lot of money from my parents every month. Around ₹20k. I could survive on ₹10k too but I take extra ₹20k. I spent the extra money on clothes, toys, takeouts, furniture, appliances, skincare, movies, dining out, etc.

- I took a gap year after my 12th grade ended. And got enrolled into a no name uni a year later in a course that isn't really relevant in today's job market. I did really well during the 1st sem, 9cgpa. But I skipped half of the exams in my 2nd sem finals. So I gotta redo them next sem. But I feel like dropping out and starting all over in a new field.

- I had more than enough money to slowly accumulate required, necessary furniture throughout last year. But I spent it all recklessly, and I've not invested in a bed so I sleep on a matress on the floor.

- my house is a literal biohazard and has turned into a depression house. There's paper bags every where. Things on the ground. Trash too. Don't forget the pests. Dirty clothes all over the house on the ground.

- I bought veggies and fruits. Just enough for 2-3 days, a month or two ago. Never touched them. They are literally rotting and decaying in the fridge. I haven't opened the fridge since couple of weeks coz I'm scared to deal with whatever's inside. The potatoes on the shelf are rotting too, they've become squishy and dark.

- I've been buying sex toys for masturbation since I moved out. I've spent about ₹2k+₹4k+₹2k = ₹8k on them throughout the year . I could've easily bought a bed with that money. And I cannot stop masturbating too while sitting in the filth. I masturbate to every single thing on this list. I masturbate to everything that is wrong with me.

- I met a guy on reddit last year. It started off as usual sexting. I wasn't attracted to him at all. Until he became a lil mean. And then I got obsessed. I've been obsessed with him for a year and 3 months now. It was mutual attraction in the beginning, at least that's what it felt like. I asked him if he was playing with me, but he always said no (I mean why would he even admit it lmfao). The thing with him mostly comprised of us sexting. I'm into cnc and being dominated. One time when we were video sexting, he took ss of me nude with my face in them. I had no idea abt it until he "blackmailed" me with them a couple days later and when I found out and lost my shit, he said he did it coz he thought I'd like it since I'm into cnc. I made him delete those pics on vid call. Hopefully he doesn't have backups.

- this thing with this guy has been on and off for the past year. He even had some other girl that he was into for a while when we were off for a bit. And I ended up developing a cuckquean kink all because of this. Even though I didn't want to. He mocks my physical appearance, compares me to other girls, etc etc. I never reach out to him. He's the one who keeps reaching out on a monthly basis. I always try and ignore his texts but if I'm in a mentally unstable phase I end up replying and things just repeat.

- I overdosed on zolpidem during my gap year. I used to take 4-7 times more the recommended dose and then used to text this guy and we'd text and talk all night. I've ODed like many times. Once I ODed jsut to break no contact with him. It's obvious he likes other girls and not me but I can't sit with that.

- he'd call me "baby", asks me what I'll do if he shows up at my places, talks abt co living with me for a while, but never says he'll commit to me. He said I'm too pathetic. And this girl he liked wasn't pathetic like me according to him.

- I've participated in body writing with a permanent marker. I've sent him pics of my bloody pad and cunt since he was curious. I've sent him pics of my lower half whole peeing, again since he was curious. I've sexted with him on call while high on sleeping pills many times.

- this week something happened. For the first time he has stopped replying to me. This is a first. Ig he finally got bored. I never text him first or initiate convos. It's always been him trying to initiate convos even if we were no contact. And he'd always reply. Doesn't matter what he said was mean or not. But this is a first; him not replying. I've been on read for a couple days now. And it hurts

- I even masturbate to the thought of him with others. It's not like I want him. My mind knows that what we had is not a bond it's just simple attachment. There's nothing more than surface level connection here. There's no deeper feeling involved. I don't want to be with him. But it still keeps happening. Things keep repeating. And I keep losing my self respect to the same person a million times.

- I was butt ugly and fat thorughout my highscool. Even in my gap year. But I became conventionally attractive for r th and first half of my 1st year in college. And things were so different. People actually treated me as an equal or would want to be friends with me. Guys complimented me out of nowhere even I'd we hadn't talked before. It was my first time being desired and it felt good being on the other side. I made a lot of acquaintances. I'm very socially awkward. But I made a friend or at least I think I did. In the beginning it was all good. But slowly she stated commenting on my clothes. She didn't have any problem with other girls wearing clothes that showed skin but she's always point it out when I did. She kept bring up my breasts in conversations too and wanting to grope them. I just felt targeted. Like why am I the only one being questioned for my clothes. This started happening a lot when I turned from a tomboy to kinda girly. So I distanced myself from her. She said "oh you finally turned into a girl from a boy" in front of the whole class. She also mocked my voice for some reason in front of all.

- I made a new friend. Someone approached me. He was from my class. I didn't know him. It was neutral and respectful for a couple of months. Until one day while we were hanging out he out of nowhere started saying how I look like a truck and that he's ashamed of being seen out with me and that no one would ever date me and I'm delusional if I still have hope. This went on for 20 mins or more. Mind you he had never said something like that to me before. I fawned and froze and just awkwardly laughed while he kept going. So I stopped responding to his texts after I reached home. We talked things out. But he kept bringing up the incident and asking me why I made him feel guilty. This went on for a couple of months. Then I jsut stopped replying.

- I pick my skin a lot. I mean a whole fucking lot. It's been a habit since I was a kid. I got control of it finally when I entered 1st year of uni. Halfway through everything was in control. Marks were fading. Almost no acne. Things were good. Then I picked. I picked like I'd never before. I picked so much that it undid a decade of progress. I have picked scabs and marks all over my body again. Face. Legs. Arms. Chest. Stomach. Neck. Back. Butt. Not a single inch is scab free again. I look like a failed experiment again.

I'm too tired to confess literally everything. Hah ik. There's a whole lot more that happened and keeps happening. But I'm too lazy to write it all out. Idk who I am or why I am like this. I want to become my own parent. I want to protect and care for myself. I thought of buying a parenting book, that teaches me A-Z about parenting. From the most basic of things like hygiene to the most compel of things like leaving where you're not being respected. But no such book exists. Idk. I neglect myself too much. I've neglected myself too much and have gone too far.

​

\- I don't do the dishes on time. Sometimes days turn into literal months. Last time I washed the dirty dishes piled up near the counter was prolly a couple months ago.

\- I've had 3-4 separate, spaced out instances of maggots in unwashed dishes since I moved out last year. I've kinda gotten used to them or built a tolerance to the whole process of killing and eradicating them by now. But they are still yucky.

\- My new house which was pest free last year has become infested with cockroaches since a couple of months.

\- I take a lot of money from my parents every month. Around ₹20k. I could survive on ₹10k too but I take extra ₹20k. I spent the extra money on clothes, toys, takeouts, furniture, appliances, skincare, movies, dining out, etc.

\- I took a gap year after my 12th grade ended. And got enrolled into a no name uni a year later in a course that isn't really relevant in today's job market. I did really well during the 1st sem, 9cgpa. But I skipped half of the exams in my 2nd sem finals. So I gotta redo them next sem. But I feel like dropping out and starting all over in a new field.

\- I had more than enough money to slowly accumulate required, necessary furniture throughout last year. But I spent it all recklessly, and I've not invested in a bed so I sleep on a matress on the floor.

\- my house is a literal biohazard and has turned into a depression house. There's paper bags every where. Things on the ground. Trash too. Don't forget the pests. Dirty clothes all over the house on the ground.

\- I bought veggies and fruits. Just enough for 2-3 days, a month or two ago. Never touched them. They are literally rotting and decaying in the fridge. I haven't opened the fridge since couple of weeks coz I'm scared to deal with whatever's inside. The potatoes on the shelf are rotting too, they've become squishy and dark.

\- I've been buying sex toys for masturbation since I moved out. I've spent about ₹2k+₹4k+₹2k = ₹8k on them throughout the year . I could've easily bought a bed with that money. And I cannot stop masturbating too while sitting in the filth. I masturbate to every single thing on this list. I masturbate to everything that is wrong with me.

\- I met a guy on reddit last year. It started off as usual sexting. I wasn't attracted to him at all. Until he became a lil mean. And then I got obsessed. I've been obsessed with him for a year and 3 months now. It was mutual attraction in the beginning, at least that's what it felt like. I asked him if he was playing with me, but he always said no (I mean why would he even admit it lmfao). The thing with him mostly comprised of us sexting. I'm into cnc and being dominated. One time when we were video sexting, he took ss of me nude with my face in them. I had no idea abt it until he "blackmailed" me with them a couple days later and when I found out and lost my shit, he said he did it coz he thought I'd like it since I'm into cnc. I made him delete those pics on vid call. Hopefully he doesn't have backups.

\- this thing with this guy has been on and off for the past year. He even had some other girl that he was into for a while when we were off for a bit. And I ended up developing a cuckquean kink all because of this. Even though I didn't want to. He mocks my physical appearance, compares me to other girls, etc etc. I never reach out to him. He's the one who keeps reaching out on a monthly basis. I always try and ignore his texts but if I'm in a mentally unstable phase I end up replying and things just repeat.

\- I overdosed on zolpidem during my gap year. I used to take 4-7 times more the recommended dose and then used to text this guy and we'd text and talk all night. I've ODed like many times. Once I ODed jsut to break no contact with him. It's obvious he likes other girls and not me but I can't sit with that.

\- he'd call me "baby", asks me what I'll do if he shows up at my places, talks abt co living with me for a while, but never says he'll commit to me. He said I'm too pathetic. And this girl he liked wasn't pathetic like me according to him.

\- I've participated in body writing with a permanent marker. I've sent him pics of my bloody pad and cunt since he was curious. I've sent him pics of my lower half whole peeing, again since he was curious. I've sexted with him on call while high on sleeping pills many times.

\- this week something happened. For the first time he has stopped replying to me. This is a first. Ig he finally got bored. I never text him first or initiate convos. It's always been him trying to initiate convos even if we were no contact. And he'd always reply. Doesn't matter what he said was mean or not. But this is a first; him not replying. I've been on read for a couple days now. And it hurts

\- I even masturbate to the thought of him with others. It's not like I want him. My mind knows that what we had is not a bond it's just simple attachment. There's nothing more than surface level connection here. There's no deeper feeling involved. I don't want to be with him. But it still keeps happening. Things keep repeating. And I keep losing my self respect to the same person a million times.

\- I was butt ugly and fat thorughout my highscool. Even in my gap year. But I became conventionally attractive for r th and first half of my 1st year in college. And things were so different. People actually treated me as an equal or would want to be friends with me. Guys complimented me out of nowhere even I'd we hadn't talked before. It was my first time being desired and it felt good being on the other side. I made a lot of acquaintances. I'm very socially awkward. But I made a friend or at least I think I did. In the beginning it was all good. But slowly she stated commenting on my clothes. She didn't have any problem with other girls wearing clothes that showed skin but she's always point it out when I did. She kept bring up my breasts in conversations too and wanting to grope them. I just felt targeted. Like why am I the only one being questioned for my clothes. This started happening a lot when I turned from a tomboy to kinda girly. So I distanced myself from her. She said "oh you finally turned into a girl from a boy" in front of the whole class. She also mocked my voice for some reason in front of all.

\- I made a new friend. Someone approached me. He was from my class. I didn't know him. It was neutral and respectful for a couple of months. Until one day while we were hanging out he out of nowhere started saying how I look like a truck and that he's ashamed of being seen out with me and that no one would ever date me and I'm delusional if I still have hope. This went on for 20 mins or more. Mind you he had never said something like that to me before. I fawned and froze and just awkwardly laughed while he kept going. So I stopped responding to his texts after I reached home. We talked things out. But he kept bringing up the incident and asking me why I made him feel guilty. This went on for a couple of months. Then I jsut stopped replying.

\- I pick my skin a lot. I mean a whole fucking lot. It's been a habit since I was a kid. I got control of it finally when I entered 1st year of uni. Halfway through everything was in control. Marks were fading. Almost no acne. Things were good. Then I picked. I picked like I'd never before. I picked so much that it undid a decade of progress. I have picked scabs and marks all over my body again. Face. Legs. Arms. Chest. Stomach. Neck. Back. Butt. Not a single inch is scab free again. I look like a failed experiment again.

I'm too tired to confess literally everything. Hah ik. There's a whole lot more that happened and keeps happening. But I'm too lazy to write it all out. Idk who I am or why I am like this. I want to become my own parent. I want to protect and care for myself. I thought of buying a parenting book, that teaches me A-Z about parenting. From the most basic of things like hygiene to the most compel of things like leaving where you're not being respected. But no such book exists. Idk. I neglect myself too much. I've neglected myself too much and have gone too far.

What the title says.

12th grade pcmb : (69.5% overall), (54.7% pcm)

I belong to ST category, for which the pcm cut off is 56% but obv I'm still not eligible.

Is there any way. Literally any way for me to get a job in merchant navy?

I'm willing to pursue any bachelors degree that will allow me a job on here.

Context :

PCMB : 69.5% (overall)

Didn't do shit in gap year

Joined a private college for BCA last year (1st year completed)

Now I'm considering :

A) B. Sc Nursing (AIIMS)

B) BCA(private clg) + MCA (NIT)

C) B. DES (NID)

D) BTech cse (private clg / govt clg through state engg exam)

Last option if none of the above work out : govt exams (dw I'm not delulu after upsc)

Was considering merchant navy through ETO path but my pcm% (54.7%) doesn't cut it.

Any other options I might be overlooking?

Context :

PCMB : 69.5% (overall)

Didn't do shit in gap year

Joined a private college for BCA last year (1st year completed)

Now I'm considering :

A) B. Sc Nursing (AIIMS)

B) BCA(private clg) + MCA (NIT)

C) B. DES (NID)

D) BTech cse (private clg / govt clg through state engg exam)

Last option if none of the above work out : govt exams (dw I'm not delulu after upsc)

Was considering merchant navy through ETO path but my pcm% (54.7%) doesn't cut it.

Any other options I might be overlooking?