u/NoAmbiguity9273

I'm struggling with a deep sense of "brokenness" that I can’t seem to outrun, despite my life looking great from the outside.

As a teenager, I was bullied /teased and mostly socially isolated. I retreated into a very dark, private world where I found a strange kind of pleasure in self-degradation. I’d spend time in my bathroom wallowing in my own shame and finding pleasure in it – pissing on myself on purpose and I'd also cam gay older men and subject myself to things that felt "abject," even though I was straight in my "real" life. It was like I eroticized the fact that I was an outcast because it was the only way to feel alive.

Now, at 26, I’ve "made it" by most standards. I moved to a major city, I have a stable career with a six-figure salary, I’m fit, I feel like I'm decent looking, and I’ve been putting myself out there—taking acting classes and trying to be social.

Even though I’m doing the work, I feel incredibly alone. I have terrible self-esteem and a crushing sensitivity to rejection. Whenever a social or romantic interaction goes slightly sideways, I immediately spiral back to that feeling that I am unworthy and I will never be chosen or loved.

I feel like I’m wearing a costume of a successful man, but underneath, I’m still that "unchosen" person who doesn't deserve love or connection. I’ve reached a point where I’m tired of the "pity being my pleasure," but I don't know how to bridge the gap between my successful adult self and the shameful kid I used to be.

Any advice?

I'm struggling with a deep sense of "brokenness" that I can’t seem to outrun, despite my life looking great from the outside.

As a teenager, I was bullied /teased and mostly socially isolated. I retreated into a very dark, private world where I found a strange kind of pleasure in self-degradation. I’d spend time in my bathroom wallowing in my own shame and finding pleasure in it – pissing on myself on purpose and I'd also cam gay older men and subject myself to things that felt "abject," even though I was straight in my "real" life. It was like I eroticized the fact that I was an outcast because it was the only way to feel alive.

Now, at 26, I’ve "made it" by most standards. I moved to a major city, I have a stable career with a six-figure salary, I’m fit, I feel like I'm decent looking, and I’ve been putting myself out there—taking acting classes and trying to be social.

Even though I’m doing the work, I feel incredibly alone. I have terrible self-esteem and a crushing sensitivity to rejection. Whenever a social or romantic interaction goes slightly sideways, I immediately spiral back to that feeling that I am unworthy and I will never be chosen or loved.

I feel like I’m wearing a costume of a successful man, but underneath, I’m still that "unchosen" person who doesn't deserve love or connection. I’ve reached a point where I’m tired of the "pity being my pleasure," but I don't know how to bridge the gap between my successful adult self and the shameful kid I used to be.

Any advice?

I’m struggling with a deep sense of "brokenness" that I can’t seem to outrun, despite my life looking great from the outside.

As a teenager, I was bullied /teased and mostly socially isolated. I retreated into a very dark, private world where I found a strange kind of pleasure in self-degradation. I’d spend time in my bathroom wallowing in my own shame and finding pleasure in it – pissing on myself on purpose and I'd also cam gay older men and subject myself to things that felt "abject," even though I was straight in my "real" life. It was like I eroticized the fact that I was an outcast because it was the only way to feel alive.

Now, at 26, I’ve "made it" by most standards. I moved to a major city, I have a stable career with a six-figure salary, I’m fit, I feel like I'm decent looking, and I’ve been putting myself out there—taking acting classes and trying to be social.

Even though I’m doing the work, I feel incredibly alone. I have terrible self-esteem and a crushing sensitivity to rejection. Whenever a social or romantic interaction goes slightly sideways, I immediately spiral back to that feeling that I am unworthy and I will never be chosen or loved.

I feel like I’m wearing a costume of a successful man, but underneath, I’m still that "unchosen" person who doesn't deserve love or connection. I’ve reached a point where I’m tired of the "pity being my pleasure," but I don't know how to bridge the gap between my successful adult self and the shameful kid I used to be.

And yes - I've been doing therapy for years, and it hasnt been working. Tried 3 different therapists. Going to my 4th to try schema therapy

Any advice?

I’m struggling with a deep sense of "brokenness" that I can’t seem to outrun, despite my life looking great from the outside.

As a teenager, I was bullied /teased and mostly socially isolated. I retreated into a very dark, private world where I found a strange kind of pleasure in self-degradation. I’d spend time in my bathroom wallowing in my own shame and finding pleasure in it – pissing on myself on purpose and I'd also cam gay older men and subject myself to things that felt "abject," even though I was straight in my "real" life. It was like I eroticized the fact that I was an outcast because it was the only way to feel alive.

Now, at 26, I’ve "made it" by most standards. I moved to a major city, I have a stable career with a six-figure salary, I’m fit, I feel like I'm decent looking, and I’ve been putting myself out there—taking acting classes and trying to be social.

Even though I’m doing the work, I feel incredibly alone. I have terrible self-esteem and a crushing sensitivity to rejection. Whenever a social or romantic interaction goes slightly sideways, I immediately spiral back to that feeling that I am unworthy and I will never be chosen or loved.

I feel like I’m wearing a costume of a successful man, but underneath, I’m still that "unchosen" person who doesn't deserve love or connection. I’ve reached a point where I’m tired of the "pity being my pleasure," but I don't know how to bridge the gap between my successful adult self and the shameful kid I used to be.

Any advice?

So I'm 26M, and on paper I'm doing okay I think - six figure sales job. Living in the city in my own apartment. Putting myself out there - I've gone to social events in the city, taken improv classes, acting class. I've gone to bars and have approached women. And in my free time, I read, write, and produce music.

But the results are always the same. I'm constantly getting rejected despite showing up as myself and confidently. I'm in an acting class with all women - and they've described me as "kind", "gentle", "brave for sticking through the class as the only guy", and a "fun scene partner".

But the thing is - I don't think I'm this "nice guy" with no personality. I've made jokes in class that have made them laugh. I've performed intense scenes confidently. I share my observations and opinions confidently. And I just stay chill otherwise. I don't understand why I'm just being flattened into "gentle".

I suspect that none of them would ever date me. One of them I had gotten to know because she wanted to film me for a project, and we bantered and had a fun time talking at my place, and then I asked her out and she said no.

I've been to bars and I've had some success having decent conversations with women and getting numbers, but when I text them the next day, they ghost.

I feel like women respect me and think I'm a good guy, but apparently it's not enough. I'm 5'7, but I feel like I'm a pretty good looking guy and dress well.

I've had sex with 7 different women before, but I don't really give myself credit for those, because a lot of those women I wasn't super attracted to and it was also because they were into me. I've been in one long term relationship, but I was emasculated and emotionally abused throughout the relationship.

My therapist keeps telling me that I'm not hopelessly doomed if I've had encounters before, but I keep telling him that a large majority of my interactions with women end in rejection.

I just wish I knew what is wrong with me, if I've been trying and putting myself out there?

So I've been doing therapy for almost 4 years now and have had 3 different therapists. Primarily CBT and a little bit of Mindfulness Based and DBT.

The issue I have run into with all my therapists is that they aren't paying as much attention to the actual problems I'm experiencing, and moreso the narrative and emotions I'm projecting onto them.

For example, I'm 26M and doing pretty well in life - six figures, living in the city, putting myself out there, but I still find myself incredibly lonely and struggling to date. I am incredibly sensitive to rejection because I've had a pattern of being rejected by people and feeling like I'm not good enough. And I'll blame myself and conclude I'm unlovable and unworthy and sit in shame.

I've tried to ask my therapists what's wrong with me, why am I still so lonely despite being bold and asking women out and putting in effort that many guys won't, and my therapists obviously don't know but they keep focusing on the very small minority of times I did land dates and hook up with women. And that I don't credit myself for the times I did well.

But why does it matter if the large majority of times things aren't working out? And isn't it alarming I'm doing quite well in life and still I'm struggling so much romantically and socially? Surely there is something wrong or insufficient about me.

I just let go of my third therapist and he was telling me I'm doing the exact same thing as I've done with everyone else in my life - cutting them off. But it has felt like we keep going in these circular arguments where I tell him I'm doing everything I can to put myself out there in spite of my thoughts telling me its pointless, and I'm still failing, but he keeps telling me that I've succeeded a couple times before and I'm not entirely doomed. But he doesn't realize that the quality of those experiences weren't that great and I am still rejected and lonely most of the time.

I feel so stuck and honestly just depressed and I'm starting to worry not even therapy will save me.

The issues I struggle with - Men's Issues, Insecurity / Identity Issues, Black / White Thinking, Emotional Management, etc.

Are there any modes of therapy you suggest I look into? Or perhaps I am the problem letting go of my therapists?