Women you do have an option to be selfish.
I want women to be selfish. Because by the time you push yourself hard enough to become 'selfish,' you’re usually only reaching the baseline level of selfishness society comfortably allows men.
I was called selfish throughout my childhood by my parents. We had a difficult relationship growing up although we’re much better now. I know they were extremely protective of me and in response, I became extremely rebellious. And thankfully I’ve lowered my parents’ expectations so much by now that even me getting married someday would probably feel like a miracle to them.
To them I was selfish because I always chose myself first. Selfish because I didn’t care what society would think of my parents if I failed to crack a government job. Selfish because I never allowed stress or anxiety to consume me. Selfish because I prioritized my own needs before anyone else’s. They often tried to make me feel guilty for it.
But today when I look back, I’m actually grateful that I learned how to be selfish at an early age. Because otherwise society trains us women to constantly 'adjust.'
And don’t get me wrong, if you ask my friends, my boyfriend, they would probably call me one of the kindest people they know. But I also know this - if my marriage ever stops working and I choose to walk away, I will not lose sleep over what society thinks of me or my parents.
I’m saying this because one of my friends is unable to leave her marriage, not because she lacks the means but because she’s worried about her family and siblings. I really wish she, and hundreds of women who feel trapped like her could walk out. I know I know it’s easier said than done but for the love of God, please choose the option that allows you to stay alive. I love my family deeply too but not to the extent that I would destroy myself for a lifetime just to keep everyone around me comfortable.
I recently heard a divorce lawyer say that even financially independent women often stay in unhappy marriages because they seek validation for what’s missing in their lives or because they don’t want to disappoint or burden their parents.
Please stop living your life for everyone else’s approval. Be the 'difficult' woman. Be the 'problematic' daughter in law. Be the one who chooses herself first. You can think about everyone else later.
And I’m saying all of this as a reminder to myself too. Because if I ever find myself in a situation where my judgment is clouded, I know I can come back to these words and remember that no relationship, no society, and no expectation is worth losing yourself over.