u/BigONerd

▲ 1.8k r/BORUpdates

AITA for installing a camera in my room to see if my mom is lying to me?

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/King_Jake200

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: April 15, 2026
Final Update: May 11, 2026

Main Post

^(April 15, 2026)

AITA for installing a camera in my room to see if my mom is lying to me?

I (19M) and my mom (49F) have had numerous fights the past few weeks. Most of which are on the same topic. That being her going into my room and looking around without me knowing.

Basically, every time I would leave the house for work or anything else, I would always leave my door fully closed, but would come back to it open. Also, I would be incredibly positive that certain things had been moved around or straight up gone.

So naturally, I’d ask my mom if she had gone into my room. She would always say no. Now, maybe the first couple times I could play it off and me forgetting to close my bedroom door. But once it stated happening multiple times a week, I knew that wasn’t the case.

So, yesterday I went out and bought one of those Bluetooth surveillance cameras. At this point, I was positive she was going in my room behind my back and then lying about it. I just say wanted proof, because I knew this would just continue happening otherwise.

This morning, before I left for work, I made sure the camera was working, closed my bedroom door completely, then headed out. At around midday, I got a notification on my phone that the camera had detected some motion. So I pulled it up to view the recording. Wouldn’t you know it, there was my mom going threw my drawers, closet, and desk. She was even grabbing certain things and tossing them out into the hallway. I closed the video feed seething, making sure I saved it first, and planned to confront her first thing when I was done my shift.

When I got home, I immediately asked her if she had gone into my room. She said no. I responded by pulling up the video and holding my phone in front of me so she could see it. Instead of apologizing, she exploded. She screamed at me for installing a camera in her house without her permission. I responded by demanding an explanation for her going in my room. She insisted that she had a right to as my mother. She began questioning certain things in my room, to which I said it’s none of her business.

At this point I was done. I stormed off and went to my room. Within the hour, my phone started blowing up with messages from family, all siding with my mom, telling me I’m insane for putting up a camera. I kid you not, the entire family is on my moms side, except my dad. Unfortunately my dad can’t stop this himself, as my parents split up a yeas ago and he isn’t allowed in my moms house.

I swear I’m doing nothing wrong here. Like, it’s my only space in the house where I keep my things, relax, and do my own stuff. Or am I just completely out of my mind?

AITA?

Extra Information:

I have never stolen anything. Not from stores or other family members. I have never had a history of drugs or smoking/vaping. The things I saw from the video of her taking from my room have been these: A notebook, a pair of sneakers from my collection, a few pairs of my paints, some plastic cloths hangers, my second bedside lamp, and old pay-checks from my work.

I also don’t pay rent.

COMMENTS

Puzzleheaded-Alarm81 >Ask her what she's looking for? Seems like she's trying to find something? > >OOP >>I can’t get a clear answer from her. She just goes in a series of loops of denying, I’m your mother, and repeat. It’s very infuriating. >> >>But I literally have nothing to hide. No drugs, no alcohol, just nothing.

veronica-volt >NTA. You have a right to your privacy. HOWEVER... your mother owns the home you have a room in. I suggest you either save up to leave, or have a lockbox/safe to keep whatever is precious to you, hidden away. There is very little I can recommend since you are technically an adult and it is legally her home. Unless she threw away something expensive and not illegal to possess (drug paraphernalia for instance), you can't exactly call the cops on her. If you are paying rent, then you could ask for a contract with privacy stipulation and a key lock on the door, but given how everything has been blown up, I don't think your mother will give way. Parents use housing as a form of control, so really the only move is to leave and threaten low or no contact. What was thrown away? > >OOP >>From what I could see in the recording, she threw one of my notebooks, a pair of my many shoes (I have a collection), and weirdly some plastic cloths hangers. I also have no clue where they ended up. Not in the trash for sure but my moms room has a lock on it so checking there is out of the question.

XeticusTTV >NTA in anyway. You are and adult and have a right to your privacy. Do you pay rent or are living at home for free? > >OOP >>I live there for free right now. I know how lucky I am to not have to pay rent. But who knows if she’ll just randomly change her mind.

brokemillionaire572 >Can you move in with your dad? > >OOP >>I absolutely can and that’s probably what is going to happen.

fl0werg1rlll >NTA at all. shes the one snooping AND lying about it, you literally just gathered proof of what was already happening. the only reason shes mad is bc she got caught not bc the camera is some grand violation > >"i have a right to as my mother" yeah no, youre 19 not 9. and the fact that she was throwing your stuff into the hallway?? what was she even looking for. her exploding instead of apologizing tells you everything > >family piling on is classic, they always go after the person who exposed the problem instead of the person who caused it. youre not crazy. only thing id say is start thinking abt how to move out long term bc this dynamic isnt gonna get better while you live there > >OOP >>I’ve talked to my dad about this. He said I’m always welcome at his place and can spend as long as I want there. I’m probably going to his place, and I’m considering permanently.

angel9_writes >Show your family the video and ask them explain how that is normal and acceptable. > >How did she spin to them? > >Can you look into living with your dad? I'd start planning a way to move out. > >OOP >>I showed all of my family with video. Literally no improvements there. They say the camera is inappropriate or still hit me with the “she’s your mother” bs. >> >>And yes, I can move in with my dad if needed. Although at this point it’s likely. She wasn’t backing down to begin with and given the rest of the family (minus my dad) aren’t either.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Main post updates - made over 1 week period

Update 1:

Over the course of the week, I’m going to start moving things to my dads place. I’m also not telling my mom about it until everything is gone. I appreciate you all making me realize my mom was overstepping a lot.

Update 2:

I did what many of you suggested and checked my credit to make sure no money went magically disappearing. I’m pleased to see that nothing was gone, but that still didn’t stop me from locking it. As for as I know she doesn’t have any information on it, as the paystubs don’t actually have my card number or any information for my account, just the money I was payed over a certain period. Again, thanks to all of you who replied! I greatly appreciate all of you!

Update 3:

Moved my first couple things over to my dads. Lucky my mom wasn’t home when I did that, so it was really easy. I will continue to do this throughout the week.

Update 4:

I can no longer view the video feed from the camera. I just get a “unable to connect” pop-up. I don’t think I need to be Sherlock Holmes to figure this out, although I won’t know for sure until I go back tomorrow to grab more stuff. It was still in its normal spot earlier today when I went to grab stuff.

Update 5:

Sorry for the long wait on the next update. I wanted to stay away from the post for a bit just to clear my head. I have moved over a lot more things to my dads. Also, I have decided that I’m not going to move everything. Some things just aren’t worth moving. My dad said he’d help me buy some of the things I won’t move over. Oh yeah, and the camera is gone. Not in the trash, like straight up disappeared. I’ll just let y’all thoughts run wild on that. I’ll only update one last time, which is when I’m officially at my dads. Again, I greatly appreciate every single one of your support.

Final update - after 26 days

^(May 11, 2026)

Final update: AITA for installing a camera in my room to see if my mom is lying to me?

At my dads now y’all!!! I actually moved a week ago, just didn’t get around to update this post. My mom has tried to call me around 3 times a day, but I always decline the calls. I’m positive she will try to play the victim and blame me somehow (she has done that before over other things).

But yeah, I feel much better at my dads. The room at my dads actually has a lock on it, so I don’t even need to worry about privacy. Not saying I don’t trust my dad, because I absolutely do! Again, all of your support over these past few weeks was greatly appreciated. I wish I could give you all a big hug rn lol. But this is last you’ll hear from me on this post. Take care everybody!!!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 17 hours ago

▲ 2.9k r/BORUpdates

My younger brother's girlfriend is upset because my older brother ordered the same meal as her at a family dinner, and now there is drama

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Ok_Lobster6092

Published on: r/offmychest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: October 05, 2025
Final Update: May 11, 2026

Main Post

^(October 05, 2025)

My younger brother's girlfriend is upset because my older brother ordered the same meal as her at a family dinner, and now there is drama

I don't even understand why this is an issue, but the drama and the fallout is getting to me and I'm tired of hearing about it.

My (32M) younger brother Dave (31M) has a new girlfriend Rachael (30sF) My parents (54 M/F) already met her once, and they said they would take everyone out for dinner so she could meet the rest of us; myself and my older brother Steve (33M). We didn't go anywhere expensive, my parents just took us to Canadian Brewhouse. At first everything was fine but then it got weird when it came time for us to order. After Steve gave his order (mac and cheese) Rachael said 'but I was going to order that'.

We were all confused because no one said Rachael couldn't also order the mac and cheese. Our server was confused too and told Rachael the kitchen wasn't sold out of mac and cheese. But Rachael said she needed another minute with the menu. She asked Steve twice before the server came back if he was sure about his order. She ended up ordering something different but for the rest of the night she kept talking about how she wanted to get the mac and cheese. It was really weird.

Dave is mad at Steve for not ordering something else to accommodate Rachael and at the rest of us for not "defending" her. I don't even know what he means by that. The rest of the dinner was so awkward because Rachael kept talking about wanting the mac and cheese. My parents picked the restaurant because Dave said Rachael had been there before and liked the food. It was so weird.

My dad and I both ordered the same sandwich with the side salad and there was no problem with us eating the exact same thing even though Rachael asked us twice if one of us wanted to change our order. I honestly don't get what the issue was or why she was so upset about Steve for ordering the same thing she wanted. I know this is a small thing compared to some of the things that get posted here, but I am tired of Dave being upset and causing drama over this. He wants Steve to apologize to his girlfriend but (obviously) Steve says he didn't do anything wrong.

I just needed to vent about how I'm sick of Dave making a big a deal about this and bothering me and everyone else about how hurt Rachael is. I don't even get why it was problem. Rachael gave no explanation and neither has Dave.

COMMENTS

Successful_Bitch107 >Did anyone ask her why she didn’t order the Mac and cheese? > >OOP >>She just said it was because someone else already ordered it. She didn't elaborate or explain when asked. She was asked at least once to elaborate before the server returned to finish taking our orders. For the rest of the dinner we kept trying to change the topic whenever she brought up the mac and cheese because it was so awkward. Now Dave won't give an explanation when anyone asks why this caused such a problem for Rachael, even if he gets asked why. I honestly have no idea why this became such a big issue. My dad and I both ate the exact same thing and everything is fine.

NeighborhoodVivid106 >What would this girl do if, rather than going out for dinner, parents had invited her to their home for dinner where, presumably, everyone would be eating the same thing? Her behaviour makes no sense whatsoever and Steve absolutely does not owe her an apology. If she wanted mac and cheese she should have ordered it. The beauty of going out for dinner is that everyone, including Steve, gets to eat whatever they want. > >OOP >>My parents met her once before the dinner I wrote about in my post. It was just my parents, Dave and Rachael over at my parent's house. I know my parents made lasagna, and they said she didn't say anything about getting a plate of it from the same pan as my parents and Dave. She ate it and complimented the cooking so my parents had no idea she had an issue until we were at the restaurant and she got weird about ordering.

OOP to a long thread >If Dave and Rachael didn't want to order the same thing so they could share it wouldn't be weird. Same for my parents. > >It was weird because Rachael didn't want to order the same food as her boyfriend's brother, someone who would not be sharing with her. Even if two people in a relationship wanted to share their meals with each other, the restaurant we were at wasn't the kind where people normally share. Each person got their own separate meal. Rachael and Steve are not dating and had just met each other for the first time. It was also weird because Rachael asked/hinted that Steve should change his order and wouldn't stop talking about it for the rest of the night. She also commented more than once about my dad and I ordering the same thing even though neither of us were sharing our food.

Lilybeeme >How is she going to have dinner at home with family? Does she expect an entirely different meal to be served to her on Thanksgiving? She needs help > >OOP >>Since Thanksgiving is in a week and Dave and Rachael's relationship is new, she isn't spending it with our family. >> >>My parents did meet Rachael once before we all went. Dave and Rachael went to my parent's place. My parents made lasagna, and they said she didn't complain about getting a plate of it from the same pan as my parents and Dave. She ate it and complimented their cooking so my parents had no idea she had this of problem until we were at the restaurant and she got weird about Steve ordering what she wanted. >> >>Reasonable-Newt4079 (downvoted) >>>In a week? Lol time is moving fast but not that fast… it’s a little under two months away. >>> >>>OOP >>>>I'm not an American. We don't recognize whatever date American Thanksgiving is. (I don't know why you think I'm American when it's clear to anyone reading my original post that I'm not).

OnefortheMonkey >I don’t get it. Did you ask her why? > >OOP >>We did. We did try asking her, but she never explained. All she said was "it is because someone else already ordered it". >> >>Rachael didn't explain further even when we asked. She was asked at least once before the server got back to finish taking our orders. >> >>For the rest of the dinner, the rest of us (besides Dave) would just change the subject whenever Rachael brought up the mac and cheese because it was super awkward. We just wanted to move on and try to enjoy dinner. >> >>Dave won't give us an explanation whenever anyone asks why this caused such an problem. My dad and I both ordered the same thing and there was no problem. I don't know why ordering the same thing as Steve was such a problem for her.

Final update - after 7 months

^(May 11, 2026)

UPDATE: My younger brother's girlfriend is upset because my older brother ordered the same meal as her at a family dinner, and now there is drama

It's not a long or exciting story but the update is that I will no longer go to restaurants if Rachael is going to be there. She doesn't get upset if we're having dinner at someone's home and everyone is eating the same thing. My parents met her once before the incident in my first post. They made lasagna for dinner and Rachael didn't say a thing about everyone getting a piece of lasagna from the same pan. She ate it without complaining. Rachael only gets weird and upset if we're at a restaurant or getting takeout, not if it's a home cooked meal at someone's home.

After the first incident, the one I mentioned in my first post, Dave was insistent that Steve apologize to Rachael and make amends even though Steve didn't do anything wrong. Dave always defends Rachael when she acts weird about this. I get that you are supposed to be on the same team as whoever you're dating, but Dave refuses to see that Rachael is in the wrong and I'm not the only one who is tired of it.

The last straw for me was at my cousin's 16th birthday. Rachael got upset because my cousin ordered the meal that she wanted and she tried to get my cousin to change his mind. My aunt and my uncle were not happy and they really don't like Rachael now. No one knows what her problem is. She just says she doesn't like it when people order the same thing and won't explain more.

She even asks other people who order the same meal if one of them wants to change their order (like when my dad and I ordered the same thing the first time we met her). At the restaurants where this happens (Canadian Brewhouse, Milestones etc.) everyone gets a separate meal. They are not the kind of places where you order food for the table and share. I don't understand why this bothers her so much but I just won't go to restaurants if she's there now because she makes such a big deal about and you can't even enjoy yourself. I'm not the only one who avoids her either.

COMMENTS

Mapilean >Rachael sounds exhausting. > >OOP >>She is. When Dave first started mentioning her, everyone was happy for him. Steve and I were excited because we both served in the armed forces and found out she did as well, and we thought we would have lots in common with her. But now all this has soured me on her. Steve can barely stand to be around her after how she and Dave acted. >> >>Hungry_Breadfruit_16 >>>She served? >>> >>>OOP >>>>Yes, she served in the RCAF. (Different branch than either Steve and I were in, but we still thought we would have lots in common with her)

Duck_Wedding >Does she try to sample what everyone else ordered? Either way other people’s food order are not her business. > >OOP >>No. As I mentioned in my post the restaurants we had gone to are not the kind where everyone orders for the table and shares. Everyone orders their own separate meal and no one would share it, especially with someone they barely know.

mrs-peanut-butter >Only thing I can imagine is that it’s some kind of OCD, but whatever it is, it’s her responsibility to manage. It’s absolutely wild that they won’t explain and just seem to expect you all to know what a grave sin Steve committed. > >Out of curiosity, did she react at all to you and your dad eating the same thing, at the restaurant? Like, keep glancing over or seem uncomfortable or anything? > >OOP >>Yes. She asked both of us if we were sure that we didn't want to order something else. Twice. She brought it up multiple times once the food came. She doesn't like it when anyone orders the same meal, even if it is other people. It is so bizarre.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 23 hours ago

▲ 779 r/BORUpdates

My Girlfriend's twitter is grossing me out

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/IDontliketwittter

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: April 22, 2026
Final Update: April 27, 2026

Main Post

^(April 22, 2026)

My Girlfriend's twitter is grossing me out

I saw her twitter account over her shoulder. I didn't really care much but a couple days later when I was on twitter I decided to check it out because it's not the one I know of and I'm not gonna lie it gave me the ick as corny as I feel saying that.

For context we’re both half Black and half white. She’s very light skinned. if it wasn’t for her hair, most people would probably assume she’s white. I only mention that because it ties into the kind of stuff she posts.

She basically runs one of those accounts if you know what I mean. she'll quote tweet things like "white people are so ugly (crying emoji)" in response to some celebrity gossip. she'll tweet things like "men really wanna be victims so bad (crying till I'm laughing emoji's)" in response to some dude talking about being lonely and it's just like, ew man. The thing is I know she's engagement baiting to an extent. in the sense that if she were talking to somebody in real life she'd be more reasonable about her positions but still

like I said we’re both mixed but like most half black/half white people we've typically just been considered black our whole lives but in reality we're as white as we are black. she very much passes as white to most people so seeing her constantly dunk on white people, men, etc is just weird to me. She'll tweet about "good melanin" like...? You are paler than most white people. You have no melanin
It’s a type of online personality I already dislike. The extremely obnoxious, smug, morally righteous person who's just outright being shitty to others but feels justified because they're a minority again quote tweeting when 2 celebrities are dating about how ugly the man is and women need to stop settling for ugly men.
A lot of it is just straight mean. She’ll quote tweet a random woman saying “this is my ideal body type” calling the guy in the picture fat and ugly. The dude will be in pretty solid shape too, like clearly works out just not shredded maybe 15/20 pounds too big. I think And people in the replies will call her out because she’s also criticized people for judging women’s bodies. Her response will be something like “because women are better. Hope this helps!”

That’s the part that really gets me. It’s not even just jokes, it’s like doubling down on being hypocritical and mean. I think she thinks it's different cause the whole concept of punching down vs punching up or whatever. I think the main thing is if I saw this account and didn’t know it was her, I would 100% think “this person is a loser” That’s harsh but that’s honestly my gut reaction to accounts like that.

So now knowing it is her is kind of messing with how I see her.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting because it’s just online or if this is actually a red flag about her personality/values

Do I bring it up? Ignore it? Am I making this a bigger deal than it is? What does this conversation look like?

EDIT

obligatory "actually my partner is really great" speech cause I can feel myself getting defensive over her with the way y'all are dogging her lmao. she’s 23, college educated, upper middle class, biracial, bisexual woman. she’s exactly as progressive as you’re imagining. But she’s not some over the top, man hating caricature despite the twitter

I'm a high school dropout. I'm not smart or educated or anything yet she held me down when I had nothing. No money, no job, no home. She paid my phone bill, paid for dates, never made me feel like the loser I was. She always believed I’d get my life together even when I didn’t, always gassed up my Youtube videos before I was making good money despite them being terrible in hindsight.

She's always sweet to everyone (believe it or not) smartest person I know(she's gonna be a doctor), and has great character, left her whole friend group cause one cheated on their BF and they all tried to cover it up. When I was down because I had no money and couldn't afford to get her anything for her birthday all the sudden I miraculously found $40 in my wallet that I know she put there. she never said a word about it.

She told people her car was mine so I didn't feel emasculated, even little things like pretending she can't open jars that I know she can so I can feel like a hero for a second, and also she's drop dead gorgeous. Not even being biased but an actual 10/10. this is a genuine 99th percentile women here

Just saying give her a little bit of grace here lol

I’ll talk to her about it this weekend since we’re both busy right now. Thanks for all the comments though, I’ve read all of them and will keep going. just writing everything out helped a bit. I’m just hoping she doesn’t act dismissive or worse when we talk. I’ll update you all when it happens

COMMENTS

MyDirtyAlt79 >Even if a person is only doing it for engagement, they're still promoting that sort of foul mentality. > >So either she believes it, or she's fine benefiting from it. > >Does either really work for you? > >OOP >>I don't know. I think for a lot of people there's a disconnect online and she probably doesn't see it as that deep. Just messing around y'know? >> >>MyDirtyAlt79 >>>Would you promote hate for money, or worse just some social media clout? >>> >>>Would you feel comfortable, every day, looking at the people agreeing with it and cheering it on? >>> >>>The only way a person truly disconnects from that is due to sociopathy. >>> >>>OOP >>>>to an extent right? like I've talked shit about NBA players if they choke in a big moment or something. I don't attack them personally but in a way if I'm calling Kevin Durant "trash" and "washed" at basketball which is what they've spent their whole lives working towards am I better? I feel like it's different but I don't know why

Kirinizine >I know this is contrary to what all the other comments are saying, but honestly, I get her. There is a massive disconnect between the part of ourselves we show online and the part of ourselves we show to everyone in real life. > >She is participating in a certain subculture you may not understand by virtue of not being part of it. She is performing a role for a community. > >It's totally fair to feel icked out by it. If you feel like it doesn't align with your morals or values, that's fine. Whatever you choose to do about it is your choice. But please do consider that the way she acts towards you is a more accurate reflection of her true character. > >OOP >>This is more what I was expecting people to say. Kinda shocked by the replies here. I guess I kinda wanted to hear this wasn't that big a deal but they're really going at her lol. Thanks for the comment

Travel_Bestie_ >i feel like this is the right take. all of these sound like internet subculture sayings to me lol, and maybe it’s bc i’m a part of that generation & gender group. i don’t use social media anymore and even when i did i never made posts like this, but i would see them all the time and would never bat an eye haha 🥲 ofc context matters, and if she’s truly bullying people one-on-one i think that’s different. but so far just all of the comments in quotation marks in the original post seem to me like sayings from that subculture. (i also am not understanding the “this is my ideal body type” comment?? was she bullying a man or saying that she LIKES that body type?) > >at any rate OP, while i don’t personally think from the content of your post that she’s being a true bully/mean person, what matters is how YOU feel. idk if any advice from anyone else will help you inform what you’ll do moving forward better than your own gut will. if it’s a dealbreaker to you, talk to her about it and move forward from there. good luck! > >OOP >>Sorry to clear up the "body type" thing. >> >>There was a tweet by another lady that was just an image of a dude. I don't know who the dude is, the lady wasn't quote tweeting or anything just an image with a caption something like "this is my ideal body type" or "this is women's ideal body type" i don't remember exactly but my GF quote tweeted that saying he was fat and ugly essentially. >> >>I think the body type is like the bear body type if you know what that is. Dude who's in shape but clearly likes eating lol >> >>will talk to her though thanks for the words!

Immediate_Alarm452 >You are not the expert on your gfs lived experiences. > >Trying to imply she doesnt experience racism because she is "white passing" is...uh. Upsetting. I can just tell you that is not true. A racist white person will always find the reason to be that way and a lot of them will just project hate. You also just flat out say she been "considered black her whole life." She has the right to feel about that however she wants and its not your business. > >You are also not the expert on how she deals with or expresses frustration with misogyny or misogynoir. She's oppressed on two converging axises in a way you cant really have perspective on. She's probably been called ugly a million times by white men for her hair. > >It honestly sounds like you snooped and found things that didn't line up with your personal view of the person (who is also apparently financially supporting you) and now you feel like you have grounds to grandstand about it to try and "get her back in line." > >This whole thread says a lot more about you than her imo. > >OOP >>1. nowhere did I say she doesn't experience racism >> >>2. "she has the right to feel however she wants and its not your business" How my partner feels is my business >> >>3. I don't have to be an "expert how she deals with frustration" not that that even makes sense here. I'm her partner it's totally fair for me to care about how she behaves >> >>4. finding things that don't line up with your view of your partner is totally a reason for conversation >> >>5. She's not financially supporting me anymore

Final update - after 5 days

^(April 27, 2026)

Update: My Girlfriend's twitter is grossing me out

So we down Friday night and talked about it. As soon as I brought it up she made slightly embarrassed look of "ah I understand" To make a long story short she fell into the Twitter back and forth. She was usually just in fandom spaces, she saw something that she felt the need to reply to, replying caused the algorithm to give her more, which caused her to reply more and so on. She went viral quite a few times and got pretty big but now half of the people who see her tweets are checkmark racist/sexist types. So yeah essentially rage baiting out of pettiness and anger. She doesn't think it was that deep or represents how she truly feels but she understands why seeing it would be unpleasant. She agreed she was doing too much and apologized

As for the specific examples her response to "white people are so ugly" She says this was just rage bait. She says there are definitely feelings relating to her whiteness but that had nothing to do with it. She says her feelings on it are more personal than negative towards white people in general. She seemed sure of this. Same with "women settling for ugly men" again not that deep. She does believe it but she doesn't actually care if women date ugly guys lol It's just a part of stan culture (talking shit about celebrities) but she agrees it's mean but she views it as different.

"men wanna be victims" in response to the lonely dude she says that's one of the checkmark sexist dudes who talks about "modern women being whores" and whatnot so she concluded fuck him I hope he's always lonely but again agreed saying "men" there was divisive and mean but she doesn't mean all men she just didn't think about it too much as it's just kinda common vernacular in the space she's in

The "body type" comment was to another checkmark account. A lady this time who again talks about women being whores and such so she says this comment was just her antagonizing the account and the audience and she just didn't really think of whoever the dude was in the picture. same thing with “because women are better. Hope this helps!” just intentionally being an asshole because she hates these people.

Overall just pretty embarrassed and apologetic. She is gonna keep the twitter as it's actually decent sized but she did end up pinning a tweet to her account basically just saying she's gotten too toxic and she's gonna use it to be more positive or at least constructive from now on. Overall I feel better about it

Some people suggested I was a simp or too dependent on her or had some issue with my self esteem I am a bit of a simp for her if I'm honest but in general believe it or not I've actually been too confrontational and too willing to burn bridges etc. And me calling myself essentially a stupid loser (lol) it's just being honest. A grown man with no job deciding to focus on his youtube/music career while his GF handled everything else was loser behavior. This was a down period in my mental state but in general I've been confident and solid as a rock. Thankfully it worked out and I'm a decently successful person now and I really do owe it to her.

To be honest when I posted I was hoping people would tell me it's not a big deal so everyone going "break up" freaked me out a little like... am I just blind to her faults? I'm not a reddit user but my impression of this site was that it's very much in line with her twitter so the reaction caught me off guard lol. I just say all that to contextualize some of what I wrote during the first post. Thanks for the advice. i actually did read all the replies even if it was a lot more than I thought it would be. I still love her, she still loves me, we're good. We'll see in five years if I'm actually being played.

COMMENTS

Pokesaurus91 >Just tell her the truth! Which is basically that all her responses will forever be visible by future employers and it’s not a great idea to put rage bait online and align with racists and supremisists. She’s painting herself into a corner that she can’t get out of. > >OOP >>I brought that up. She agreed though we both doubt anyone will ever find it >> >>Tough_Tangerine7278 >>>That’s naive >>> >>>OOP >>>>I think it's fine. I know you see stories of old accounts coming back to bite people but I think it's some form of selection bias. I think a lot of people have accounts that wouldn't be great if somebody found them but you only hear about the ones that are found y'know? overall as long as she chills out from now on I don't think it'll come back 10 years down the line as it's anonymous in the first place

Stanwii >Username checks out. > >I think you’re being a bit naive, fwiw. But hopefully she keeps her word. Just realize that five years is kind of an insane benchmark. She shouldn’t need that much time to improve. If you give it to her, you’re going to be constantly giving her too much leeway. > >OOP >>I'm not literally gonna wait 5 years. If she starts being shitty tomorrow or something it'll be an issue. That being said I don't think I'm being naive. She seemed very genuine to me and that's all I was really looking for

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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u/BigONerd — 1 day ago

▲ 2.8k r/BORUpdates

I ended up being the other woman and now the wife is trying to ruin my life

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Alpaca_Stampede

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: March 18, 2026
Update: April 20, 2026
Final Update: May 11, 2026

Main Post

^(March 18, 2026)

I ended up being the other woman and now the wife is trying to ruin my life

I 38F has been dating David 42M for about 18 months. He lives about 45 minutes away from me (so I thought) And, so we typically only saw eachother in person 1-2 times a week. For me this was perfectly normal. I have no desire to ever get married (my parents marriage was a shitshow) and I focus on my job/career. My job is very involved and demands a lot so I was really grateful to find a partner who understood my time constraints. I was also really happy to find a partner who was able to fully support himself and was not looking to move in together.

We first met at a UKG conference (of all things) at the end of August in 2024. We worked in different industries/fields but we both supported the same software. He was super charismatic and really fun to talk with. He instantly made me feel comfortable and like he was a "friend". We exchanged information at the conference which wasn't out of the ordinary since I also exchanged information with other people at this same conference. The conference was made for users to get in touch with eachother and make local contacts to work with to ask eachother questions about how we use and support the software.

A few weeks later he asked if I wanted to meet up and I'm not going to lie I found him really attractive so I agreed. We got together for lunch and things turned from a colleague situation to a romantic one. Within the next month and a half we had been regularly seeing eachother.

Our lives seemed to work really well together. He understood how demanding my job is and that I don't have the ability to be available for more than texting and a phone calls on a regular basis. He was ok with that and I took that as him making concessions for me and my career.

Over the next 6 months things were really smooth and I felt like I was in the best relationship of my life. Around that April he specifically really pushed me to call ourselves "official" which was a bit weird to me because I felt that we obviously were based on our communication and interaction with eachother. He specifically pushed for me to call us "official" and we were texting eachother multiple times every day. It seemed like a weird switch up and question at the time but Dave made it seem like I was maybe overreacting.

I eventually lost the feeling like things were weird because we fell into this regular schedule of him coming over in the evenings a couple times during the week and him spending weekends at my place. This seemed like a perfectly normal relationship to me, and now I'm just questioning myself constantly and trying to rethink if there were hidden behaviors that I missed

It's now been 3 weeks since his wife reached out to me and basically blew up my world. She introduced herself very kindly, let me know that they have been married for over 15 years and have 2 kids together. I had so many questions because none of this made any sense to me. I responded to her with my questions but after that first contact she never got back to be or responded to me again.

I did some background check digging into Dave and while he does actually work for the company that he claimed, he actually lives in an entirely different state. I really have no idea how he can even travel between the two states so frequently, the cost alone just be crazy unless he's been lying about his job role and he's actually a traveling consultant instead of a system admin. I really don't know at this point.

I've spent over a year of my life on this man who has lied to me the entire time. I feel so incredibly disgusted. On top of this betrayal from Dave, his wife somehow found not only me but also my mother and has reached out to my mom to bash me and say all sorts of horrible things about me. Mind you, Dave has met my mom and w have had dinner together multiple times.

I don't even know where to go from here. At this point I'm ready to just not trust anyone ever again. I am just feeling really lied to, like I'm an idiot for falling for all of this, and I just want to curl up and disappear for a while

COMMENTS

InfamousCup7097 >It sucks he lied and you ended up in this situation. That being said you need to never contact the wife again. Your relationship with him may have been real for you but the person whose life just turned upside down is actually the wife and the kids. She doesn't owe you answers and she is probably mad about you asking her questions instead of just reading the message, telling her sorry you didn't know, and then moving on to do your own research. > >For a relationship that you are looking for you may encounter more men who are looking for just a side piece. Be careful and do your research before going too far with any potentials. You also might want to avoid meeting people connected to your work in any way. > >OOP >>My main issue is that she is now contacting my family. This has all come out of nowhere for me, she isn't responding to me (which is fine if that is what she wants), but she's contacting my family and claiming all sorts of things about me and calling me all kinds of names to my mom. How is that ok? I had zero idea, but she's making this sound like this is all something that I did to her instead of her husband doing to her. How is that ok?

Alarmed-Macaroon9506 >Well, I kind of have a couple questions too... In a year and a half had you never been to his place? > >And are you SURE this is another woman texting your mother (and you)... And not somehow possible that Dave is somehow batshit crazy and reaching out to family members and fucking your life up? You're sure this woman exists? > >OOP >>There were weekends that we spent a few hours at his place before we went out to dinner or others dates but looking back I think realistically those could have been air b&bs that he just regularly booked. >> >>ETA I looked up the address of his place and it is an air b&b. I had no reason two think it was that at the time

Maleficent_Theory818 >She may be attempting to hold the marriage together right now so she is going to go scorched earth on you. It is easier to blame you than him. > >Did he give you any reasons why you couldn’t spend time with him at his place? That is a huge red flag. > >I get you had no idea that he was married. Let your family know what happened and ask them to block her number. If she continues with the harassment, you may want to hire a lawyer to send a simple cease and desist letter. > >OOP >>We did spend some times at his place. Mainly we spent time at my place for my convenience, but we did have several, and I mean 6-10 times, that were at "his place" that now looking the location up I am seeing is an air b&b and I just didn't know how to react to that. I'm just finding that out today. Another level of trust broken.

Adorable_Strength319 >Is the info that he lives in another state up to date? Did she have proof that they're married? I can't imagine how someone could travel that much and make it work. Like every weekend and a couple nights a week (not staying the night?) -- how much driving would that add up to? I'd start doing that kind of math—hours traveling plus cost. > >At least your mom will believe that you didn't know she was married. I hope she doesn't try to contact your work. > >Have you talked to him? Did he admit it? This blows my mind. > >OOP >>I have avoided talking to him at this point. >> >>Conversations with my mom have been understanding. At the same time I had a nightmare last night about this. I do take melatonin when I sleep but I had a dream that his wife came to my mom's house with her kids with her and discussed with my mom how horrible I am. >> >>I know I'm taking a lot of this guilt onto myself. The background check I did on him shows he has shared property with wife. I genuinely feel so stupid.

update - after 1 month

^(April 20, 2026)

Update: I ended up being the other woman and now the wife is trying to ruin my life

Even though I never "Ended things" with Dave. I blocked him everywhere and have cut all contact with him. There is no way I will ever be in contact with him again.
I did end up contacting a lawyer about the situation because of how Dave's wife (Cindy) ended up escalating the situation. There is now a RO in my state against both of them, and the way my state writes the RO it says the order can be enforced in any other state whether or not the RO has been registered in that state.
It is not clear if it is either Dave or Cindy that are continuing to harass me after the RO was put in place, but the harassment has continued, so my lawyer is looking into the situation and is pursuing the case across state lines at this point.

Things ended up escalating quickly after my post. Either the wife or someone close to her that knew the situation found my post. Within 2 days, I started to receive constant text messages (from an area code across the country from them) saying all sorts of horrible things that were directly related to my relationship with Dave. I blocked about 15 different phone numbers before I realized I needed to contact a lawyer about this. My lawyer was able to get an ERO that ended up turning into an RO because of the severity of the messages that I was receiving. To this day I am still getting at least 5-20 text messages per day from random phone numbers around the country. My mother was also getting text messages for a short period of time but that has stopped.

I cannot get into the litigation info too much because I am trying to protect myself and my family. At this point, my lawyer is doing the best that he can to get the harassment to stop and is working with local law enforcement on the possibility that any criminal charges can be filed due to the severity of the harassment.

In response to the comments and messages that I received. Holy hell, no I do not think that my lifestyle choices mean that I will only attract married men. WTF. No, I did not suspect anything based on him being able to accommodate my availability. My work has long hours and has a lot of oncall. I was looking for someone who would be understanding and accepting of my limitations. For the people questioning me visiting his house, yes it was always the same place, yes he had clothes in the closets, food stocked in the fridge and the place looked like it was lived in. I do not have a lot of experience with AirBnB but from what I googled after, this seems pretty common that people will just rent out their fully furnished house. How in the world would I have ever known? Seriously, wtf?

Anyhow, this will likely be my last update. I have had to block out my account because of the amount of DMs I was receiving. Really, some of you can be major assholes.

At this point I just want to be left alone, and it looks like i will be fighting in court to make that happen.

Final update - after 50 days (after 21 days from last post)

^(May 11, 2026)

Update I ended up being the other woman and now the wife is trying to ruin my life

I posted 2 months ago about finding out I was the other woman.

A lot has happened in the last 2 months. I immediately broke all contact with David and have not had any contact with him since. I blocked him everywhere. I also had to retain a lawyer mainly because I had no idea where this was going and David's wife was reaching out to anyone she even had a thought knew me. Because she kept reaching out to everyone she could find that had a connection to me, we ended up sending her a cease and desist letter.

I have moved away from the city that was "our place" and he does not know where I live now. He has tried to contact me to "fix" things with us; however, my stance is that there is no "us". Everything he ever told me was a lie.

In response to some of the comments and DMs that I received. No, I do not think it is odd or weird to have a relationship where you only see each other 1-2x a week. Like i said, I am a very busy person, and I do not have a lot of free time. I also went to "his place" regularly. It was a fully furnished apartment with a fully stocked kitchen. There was food in his fridge, snacks in the pantry. There was zero indication that this was not a place that he lived in. Did I go through his closets? No, because who the fuck does that? That is weird as fuck.

At the end of the day I was a victim of a horrible man who was violating his wife and me at the same time. I am seeing a therapist to help process this whole situation.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 2 days ago

▲ 1.1k r/BORUpdates

Friend's BF is stalking me and I don't know how to talk to her about it

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwaway7192022

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Previous BORU: BORU-1

Thanks to u/EasyLizin for letting me know about the update.

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: March 15, 2026
Update: March 20, 2026
Final Update: May 10, 2026 [NEW UPDATE]

Main Post

^(March 15, 2026)

Friend's BF is stalking me and I don't know how to talk to her about it

Hi everyone, I've been a listener and lurker for a some time now. I thought I'd come here first I remember a similar post pop up and really need advice on what to do :((

I have been in a few activites with Rory (20F) over the past school year and we grew close, though we were friendly before, but didn't know a lot about each other. I found out she had a boyfriend of a year that happened to be from the same high school I went to (not super odd since a few of my schoolmates from before are also now in my college) and I chalked it up to one of those 'what a small world' kinda things.

Rory and I got even closer this past semester since we are both in the student government and the student paper, we hang out a lot outside of activities and I include her in some of the hangouts of my closer friend group. In one of the hangouts we met her boyfriend Logan (20M).

Ever since that hangout, I keep meeting Logan in places where I would normally be and places where I planned to be. Again, I would normally chalk this up to being a coincidence, but the city where my college is in is HUGEE. I don't even see some of my closest friends on a random day if not for it being planned. It happens on my cafe spot where I study, or places I mention to my friends I'll be doing errands in, it's started to feel scary how often I see him that I get scared going outside and meeting him. He is nice when we meet but I get a sick feeling whenever we talk and I feel like Im being scrutinized or watched.

I don't know how it keeps happening and I haven't realky told anyone because it sounds weird in my own head, what more to others? I want to speak to Rory about it because maybe she has an idea why he is essentially stalking me but I don't really how to move from here or to articulate what I want to say. I don't even know if I should talk to Rory at all because I don't want to come across as a homewreckers or anything or blow up our really nice friendship. Any advice please would be really helpful :((

COMMENTS

Kukka63 >Check your bags and other items for trackers. Do you post a lot on social media telling people what you are up to? Change the routes you take. Please remember you do not have to interact with him just because he's your friend's boyfriend. There's no reason for you to spend any time with him whatsoever. > >OOP >>Thank you, I'll leace if I ever spot him again... I'm pretty lowkey on social media and my instragram has been private since I made years ago. I haven't even though of checking for a tracker...

Ok_Mathematician262 >does he approach you when you see him in these locations and if so does he try to keep communicating with you or just says hi and goes on his way? i would def try to ignore him or just say hi and go whenever that happens. > >also, are you sharing your location with rory or anyone else that might be his mutual friend? i would personally turn off location sharing except a few most trusted people. i would also block him on sns. > >OOP >>I'll block him asapa. I dont really share location, but I do tend to talk about places I would be (like the library, this grocery store, etc) cause I happen to talk to my friends about it. >> >>The first two times I approached him thinking Rory was with him but after that I got the sense that he would be alone if I ever spot him, since then he was the one approaching me or bumping into me. We use to talk about stuff we have in common, mostly Rory, but as of recent I try to finish the converdation asap and leave...

Regular-Leopard5384 >Girl, trust your gut. That sick feeling? That’s your intuition trying to protect you. You’re not being dramatic this is genuinely unsettling behavior. The fact that he keeps showing up in places you’ve only mentioned to friends (and in a huge city, no less) is a huge red flag. Please talk to Rory, but be gentle with yourself when you do. You’re not accusing you’re sharing facts and how it’s making you feel. A real friend will listen. And honestly? You deserve to feel safe in your everyday spaces. Sending you strength 💛 > >OOP >>Thank you I really appreciate it! I'm still thinking of how to approach Rory because I've known her less than her boyfriens and I really don't want to blow everything up. I hope I can drop some hints or figure out a way to see if she knows about his behavior

Update - after 5 days

^(March 20, 2026)

UPDATE: Friend's BF is stalking me and I dont know how to talk to her about it

Hi everyone!

I wanted to thank the people who gave really sound advice last week on my (honestly rambly post/vent rant) and to those who reached out to check in the days after to see if I alright. I wasnt expecting such a warm and welcoming reception and that really helped me push through this week :))

Before the actual update, here are some stuff I wanted to assure you all:

I had my car checked by three shops and was doubly assured that there wasnt any trackers. We even asked a friend of mine who had a sketchy ex in the past to use their bug sweeper on everything and all (my car, my things, my apartment, my clothes, etc) came out clean.

Someone asked what we normally discuss when we meet and I can't say its anything of note. He normally approaches me and asks me how I am doing and what was I doing at the place and sometimes about what Rory did the day. Sometimes it was what I liked or some questions friends would ask when they get to know each other, which I wouldnt mind answering if it werent for the fact that he was showing up in a lot of places I frequent (and I was suspecting him of stalking me).

Here is the update:

I followed the advice some commenters suggested which was to change my routine. I felt it wasn't enough to randomize it just to avoid him so I decided to do that police tactic thing where certain specific info was given to suspects to see who was the snitch since I honestly dk how he couldve stalked me on some places (some where out of the city, some were pretty hidden spots, etc.)

I told Rory (my new friend and his girlfriend) that I would be in this cafe near school on Wednesday after we had a meeting. I have cleared my suspicion for most of my friends at this point so it was Rory and another that I wanted to test. I stayed with a friend across the road in a bodega and saw Logan come inside the cafe where I said I was after an hour I said I would be there on. I didn't have the best mood after confirming that Logan was using Rory to stalk me, so I didn't go out of my house all of Thursday cause I was stressed out of mind and didnt know how to move forward with the discovery.

Fortunately, Today, I confronted Rory about it after I mustered up all the courage and tried to see if she was unknowingly helping him and she was just relaying info without malice. We met after I texted her that I wanted to talk about the agenda from the Wednesday meeting in a mutual friend's dorm room (who was also present as they were part of the sgov as well + was aware of whats happening with my suspicions) and she came. An hour in of me fiddling and trying to find the right moment to start my hinting, I followed one of the comment of my last post and kind of stated that I kept seeing Logan in all the places Ive been frequenting for the past month.

It started out really well but when I pressed that it was odd that I was seeing him almost every week, she got this really odd look on her face and asked me if I was trying to accuse her bf of being gay, which took me off guard. Yeah, I am gay (not to be confused) but it was weird how she went to that direction?? I backtracked and said that I wasnt accusing him of anything but that I kept seeing him and I brought up the fact that I told her I would be in a cafe on Wed and he came after, which I then asked if he asked her about my whereabouts.

I think things got really out of hand after that and she then said that he did ask but it was more of a 'concerned boyfriend checking on their gf hanging out with a guy' kind of way instead of the stalkerish kind of way. I got really confused here and tried to say that it gave off stalkerish vubes on my perspective and she got really mad that I was, on her mind, accusing her bf of being interested in me and was gay for the second time.

Our mutual friend broke us off cause things were getting loud and incoherent, with no belief that we would make sensible conversation, and Rory left the dorm after that. I did speak to my friend if I was taking it the wrong way and she assured me that (irregardless of my gender and orientation) men had stalkers too and that she supported me if Rory tried to accuse me of anything. I asked my close friends the same thing and assured me that I was very public with my gayness so it would be weird for Logan to assume I would be a threat to their relationship.

I'm currently in my apartment and Im starting to wonder if I was taking it the wrong way?? Would a guy keep tabs on a dude his girlfriend was friends with? Im once again at my wits end but Im trying not to spiral because all the important people (friendsz family, etc) support me. I don't know whats going to happen next but I would be really appreciative for any advice. Thanks.

EDIT (March 22 2026):

Thank you all for the advice and the comforting words, it truly means a lot to me. Unfortunately, despite what many of the commenters suggested, I am unable to 'fully' break off my tie to Rory (and subsequently her bf) as the semester ends in mid-April for me and we have a ton of year end stuff to go through in the student government and the university paper. Fortunately, I do have other friends in those two orgs so I will be very much applying for their help until the sem ends so I can be with someone at all in case worse comes to reality. Once again, thank you all so much!

COMMENTS

Strange_Chain6551 >Your suspicions were spot on and the fact that Logan showed up at that cafe after you told only Rory proves he's been using her to track you down. The whole "concerned boyfriend" excuse is bullshit - normal guys don't systematically show up everywhere their girlfriend's friends hang out, especially when those friends are clearly not romantic competition. Rory jumping straight to the gay accusation is her deflecting because deep down she probably knows his behavior is weird but doesn't want to admit her boyfriend is a creep. > >You did exactly the right thing with that test - that's some solid detective work right there. The mutual friend backing you up shows other people can see how sketchy this whole situation is too. Trust your gut on this one because Logan's pattern of behavior screams stalker, not "protective boyfriend," and Rory's defensive reaction just confirms she's been feeding him information whether she wants to admit it or not. > >OOP >>Thank you, this was such a tough thing to go through all week and I was starting to think I was jumping the gun. I'm not sure if this will conclusively stop the stalking but I'm continuing randomizing and shutting up about ny whereabouts until I'm sure.

Historical_Agent9426 >There is the possibility Logan is a homophobe and has been stalking you with the intent to physically harm you. > >I would actually suggest this concern to Rory if she again accuses you of suggesting Logan is gay. And if she keeps it up, I would start to wonder if she is a homophobe and has been egging Logan on, to prove to her he isn’t gay. > >OOP >>I dont want to spiral but I have to admit this has crossed my mind since we fought earlier today. I doubt Rory is like that since she has been a staunch ally since I am openly gay but its doesnt hurt to doubt her... I guess Im reeling a little that this might be a possibility

No-Lifeguard9194 >That’s not the behaviour of somebody who’s keeping tabs on his girlfriend. Which would be probably about again of itself. Rather, he’s going out of his way to meet up with you. > >OOP >>I said this!!! But for reason Rory was hung up on me accusing her boyfriend when I genuinely am fearing for my safety and she kept denying a man could stalk a man. Theres something going on with them and idk when I can even hear her side when shes pissed and probably told Logan what I said

BraveRefrigerator552 >I want to say maybe Logan is curious but there are much easier ways to go DL. could he be jealous of your relationship w/ Rory? Like trying to find out what is so neat about you? I mean I have no idea. > >OOP >>I dont go out of my way to hang out with Rory and we mostly hang out for sgov or the paper. We are often surrounded by mutual friends and very rarely one on one alone w each other. I do think that he may be DL and Im hoping my friend and I can find evidence that he is or somethng

Final update

^(May 10, 2026)

Update #2: Friend's BF is stalking me and I don't know how to talk to her about it

Hello everyone.

I dont want to make a long update because I dont really wsnt to revisit what happened over the month so I will condense it as much as I can and if anyone has questions, I will do my best to answer.

Long story short: Logan has been taken to the local police station and I have successfully filed a RO on both of them (Logan and Rory).

After the confrontation, Rory began bringing Logan everywhere which did not help their case as rumors spread of what happened with us (dorm room walls are not soundproof) and Logan would just STARE at me whenever Rory was looking away or busy doing something else. Not long after, a lot of our mutual friends dropped Rory as Logan would join their hangouts and would (unprompted) go on a rant about how bad of a person I was (making up lies abt me) and go on a crazed angry speech on "femboids" ruining the image of men in the current age. This kept going for two to three ish weeks during the finals/project phase of school but kind of died down as I finished off everything and prepared to graduate.

Where it went wrong: I had invited my close friends and some others to a nice night out as graduation was close by and everyone invited had an award to be celebrated. Not sure who leaked it, but Rory and Logan got a hold that I was having dinner at this restaurant that had these private rooms for parties and SHOWED UP. I clearly did not invite them to the celebration and I had asked my male friends to get them out but Rory seemed insistent to stay and Logan remained quiet the whole back and forth.

The argument got heated that some waiters came to de-escalate but it seemed like he had enough and SHOVED Rory out of the way and the friend who was arguing with her. I dont know what made him snap but he had reached me and managed to push me to the ground. I hit the chair and table on the way down and was delirious from the pain that ached everywhere, I completely did not register that Logan seemed intent to get on top of me (probably to punch me or something, maybe even attemp at my life in some way). Fortunately my friends grabbed him and tried to hold him down but he kept trying to break free from their grasp. By the time I managed to get to my senses, some of the security staff had come and Rory seemed shocked by the entire event that just occured.

They got taken out. A friend had suggested I get the CCTV of what happened and use it to get an RO, which I did the day after. Some days later, the police got back to me and asked to do an interview of some sort. I discussed what happened over the past fee months and the lady who I spoke to me took me very seriously and had told me they would try to get a warrant for their devices as I mentioned they manged to track me down in some way and I feared that would continue.

Fortunately, I had evidence of a crime committed and probable cause of stalking so this was done, I thank the lady and her team for being so incredibly amazing with my case. Another few days roll by and I went down to the station. I went with my younger brother as my family arrived in town for my graduation a few days later. On the station, they had informed me that on both Logan's and Rory's devices, tons of images and videos of me were found. NOT ONLY THAT, text messages show that they had planned to attempt at finding my apartment and do something. Due to the evidence, I will be pressing charges.

On the bright side of things, I graduated with latin honors and got a lot of medals for the activities I have done in college. I am happy to say that I am currently back at home and will be isolating myself for a good month before even thinking fo adventuring out again.

Thats all from me :)

COMMENTS

CarterCage >Wow… In the end you got lucky with that attack. I hope you are doing ok. > >OOP >>Yup! The police lady said it wouldve taken me much longer and harder for an RO. And, probably wouldnt get their devices searched. A blessing in disguise ig >> >>Proteus61 >>>Did you ever find out WHY this nutcase was stalking you? Not that stalkers are rational, I'm just wondering wtf motivated him. >>> >>>OOP >>>>Nope! Still don't know why exactly. We suspect he is one of those red pillers / incels since his rants bare a lot of similarity to them. We also tried finding out if he was a DL with no such luck. My friend suspect that since he went to my school the same time as me in HS, I mightve been his gay awakening and he didn't really like that. All theories though.

shfeba >Congratulations on all of your accomplishments!! I'm so sorry they did this to you but so happy they were dumb enough to do it in public on camera! > >OOP >>Thank you!! Total stroke of genius from my friend to suggest it and csnt even begin to thank the restaurant who gave the footage so easily. Genuinely saves my life.

Jose_Chung >Glad you were able to get a restraining order and that you graduated. > >In your first post about this situation, you said that Logan had also attended your high school. Are you certain that you have not been on his radar for much longer than his meeting you via Rory? I mention this not to make you afraid, but because this would shed some light on his mental state. > >I'm sorry that you went through this and I hope that this chapter is concluded. > >OOP >>Thank you! :) Personally I have tried to dig around among classmates to know about Logan but he didnt make that many friends to know how he was in HS. One thing we suspect due to how oddly violent and focused he was on me, was that I may have been his gay awakening or crush or fixation in HS and it slowly began to spiral without me knowing.

DatguyMalcolm >damn, this was almost some true crime shit! > >Were they planning to find you alone and something? Goodness, glad you're ok, I hope they rot > >OOP >>From what I saw on the text messages, they intended to confront me about the "rumors" I was spreading (which were slread because of the argument I had with Rory at my friends dorm and a few friends sharing it with their classmates). It didn't say anything explicit but the tone and language used that they intended to scare the shit out of me. l

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 3 days ago

▲ 1.3k r/BORUpdates

AITA for being upset at my girlfriend's reaction after my uncle passed away?

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Previous-Tea-2781

Published on: r/AITAH, r/Redditor_Updates & r/offmychest

Trigger Warnings: >!suicide threats, stalking, stabbing, attempted murder!<

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: July 05, 2025
Update 1: August 27, 2025
Update 2: May 03, 2026
Final Update: May 08, 2026

Main Post

^(July 05, 2025)

AITA for being upset at my girlfriend's reaction after my uncle passed away?

Last night, my uncle passed away. It was sudden, devastating, and hit especially hard because we were close, I grew up with his presence in my life. When I heard the news, I was shattered. I messaged my girlfriend, someone I’ve shared a deep connection with for years, someone I trusted emotionally, expecting at least some comfort or warmth.

All she said was: "Damn, condolences."

That was it.

I was stunned. I stared at the message for a while, thinking, "That’s all you have to say?" I didn’t expect her to write a novel, but I also didn’t expect the most generic, detached response imaginable. We weren’t strangers. I thought we had more than that.

So, I reacted, not even aggressively, just... disappointed. I told her that the message felt cold. That it hurt coming from someone I thought would show at least a little more emotional support.

Then she hit me with this: "I already told you that I did not know and I don't know what to reply. I sent my deepest condolences and idk what more you want. Please be reasonable, whining like a child won’t work. Just communicate properly then it’d be quits."

And later: "It wasn’t my fault that it triggered me. Blaming me for how I reacted is just ://"

At this point, I was just speechless. Somehow the focus shifted to her feelings, when I was the one grieving. Instead of saying “I’m sorry you feel this way” or “I didn’t mean to sound cold,” I got told I was whining like a child.

So I responded with something short, not dramatic, but enough to show her she missed the point: "I’ve had an idea about you, but not to this extent. Now I know."

Now, she’s upset at me for being “too cold,” saying I always try to flip things on her. But genuinely, all I wanted that night was a bit of comfort, not a script, just real human emotion from someone who knows me well. Instead, I got blamed for “making her feel bad” for how she reacted.

So… AITA for reacting the way I did? For expecting more from someone I considered a big part of my emotional support system?

COMMENTS

donutforget168 >If you want to dump her, just do it instead of sending cryptic "well now I know how you really are!" texts. > >OOP >>It wasn’t really about trying to dump or get back. I guess it was more like... realization hitting me all at once. Not trying to be cryptic, just processing it in my own way.

jrm1102 >Im curious what your message was to her as you left that out and she called it “childless”. > >Yes, her message did seem cold but not everyone knows what to say when it comes to death. If you really needed emotional support maybe… call her. > >But it does seem like you picked a fight over this. > >OOP >>I actually FaceTimed her when it happened, I didn’t just send a message. I told her directly, looking for some sort of comfort or care, and her immediate response was just "damn. condolences." That was it. >> >>I get that not everyone knows what to say when it comes to death, I really do. But it wasn’t about finding the “right words.” It was how robotic and detached it felt, especially from someone I’ve trusted with my most vulnerable moments. No emotion. No follow-up. Just that one line. >> >>I didn’t pick a fight, I was hurt and confused. When I tried to express that, instead of having a conversation, she got defensive and blamed me for reacting to it. That’s what made things spiral.

Melting8itch >Damn... RIP relationship, and maybe even good riddance? At first I was thinking you probably should have called her instead of texting, but seriously that response from her?? > >If she can't handle you when you're down, gtfo. You deserve someone who can, and not only can but wants to. > >If someone I was so close with got so cold and distant I would be questioning all kinds of things, while also staring at the exit door for a good moment thinking wtf just happened. I feel you. > >NTA

Update 1 - after 53 days

^(August 27, 2025)

AITA for breaking up with my girlfriend and refusing to go back even though she’s now begging me?

It’s been a month since I broke up with my ex, and honestly, it’s been a rollercoaster. I ended things for a lot of reasons, but one moment that really stuck with me was when my uncle passed away. I was grieving, trying to process everything, and her response was just, “damn condolences.” I don’t know, maybe some people wouldn’t think much of it, but to me it felt cold, dismissive, and it showed me how emotionally detached she was at times when I needed someone to lean on. That moment stuck in the back of my head.

But that wasn’t the only issue. Whenever I tried to reach out, she always seemed unavailable, either she already had plans or she’d give some flimsy excuse. I felt like I was putting in the effort to keep the connection alive, while she just kept me on the backburner. Eventually, I realized I couldn’t keep pouring myself into something where I was left hanging most of the time.

After we broke up, I thought things would just fade and we’d both move on. But now she’s begging me to come back. She’s said stuff like, “you’re trying to make me hate you,” or “if you want me to stop caring then I will.” It’s manipulative, and it got even worse, she threatened that if I don’t reply to her, she’ll hurt herself. That messed me up because it feels like she’s using guilt to try to pull me back in.

On top of that, she somehow got into my personal account, changed the password, and locked me out. I had to make a new one just to be able to move around online again. It feels invasive, like even after breaking up, she’s not respecting boundaries.

I don’t know what she’s trying to achieve by all of this. I broke up with her because of how drained I felt, and because she wasn’t really there for me when it mattered. Now she’s pushing even harder, but all it’s doing is confirming why I had to walk away in the first place.

I don’t hate her, but I can’t go back to someone who made me feel so unsupported and now tries to control me with guilt.

COMMENTS

TeacupCollector2011 >Absolutely NTA. She sounds unhinged. Block her on everything and check all of your online accounts to make sure they are safe. Change all the passwords, if necessary, because she might get even worse when she is blocked. > >OOP >>Yeah, that’s honestly what I’m worried about too. She’s already gotten into my personal email once, which gave her access to almost all my linked accounts, and that’s a big reason I’ve been scrambling to change every password and secure everything I can.

LittleJanelle >NTA. Her saying she'll kill herself is absolutely a manipulation tactic. I second what someone else said--block her, change all your passwords, and move on. > >OOP >>Yeah, I think you’re right. I know the suicide talk is manipulation, but it still gets in my head sometimes. I’ve already started changing all my passwords, but what scares me the most is that we only live like 15 minutes apart. I’m honestly afraid she might show up or stalk me if she gets desperate enough. >> >>Gnd_flpd >>>It's been said here if a person threatens suicide please report them, for one; if they're serious they will get the desperately needed help; but if they're using it for manipulation purposes being questioned and being possibly detained will cure them of that particular habit. >>> >>>NTA >>> >>>Stay out of this relationship and continue to block her. >>> >>>OOP >>>>Thanks for saying this. I did think about reporting it, but what really scares me is that she didn’t just say she’d hurt herself, she also said if I don’t do what she wants, she’d “take me with her.” That’s the part that makes me genuinely fear for my own safety, not just hers.

NowWithMoreChocolate >Have you got this via message or did she say it? Because if she messaged you that, you should get a restraining order with that as evidence. > >OOP >>She actually sent that through my own hacked account. After she took over my main, she messaged me using it while I was on a freshly made backup account. So yeah, I literally have it in writing from her, but the messed up part is she used my own account to threaten me.

BubblyMidnight9518 >That, my dear, is a narcissist. > >OOP >>Yeah, that’s exactly the kind of thing she used to say to me too, flipping it back on me and calling me the narcissist whenever I tried to set boundaries. In reality, she’s the one who hacked my accounts, manipulated me with threats, and dismissed me when my uncle passed away. That kind of projection was a big reason I finally decided to walk away.

_h_simpson_ >The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior … Never a good reason to go back to a toxic relationship; be strong and move on. > >OOP >>Yeah... And I'm also scared for myself that she might stalk me or much worse take my own life since we live 15 mins apart. It's been only a month and im really anxious whenever I go out

Update 2 - after 10 months (after 8 months from last post)

^(May 03, 2026)

Update: AITAH for ending things and not going back to my ex?

About two weeks ago, something happened that I still can’t fully process.

I was walking from my house to 7/11 at night. And mind you, we broke up like a year ago. We live about 15–20 minutes apart and use the same road, and I ended up running into her. At first, she was crying. I tried to keep it calm and said something like, “it’s been so long, why don’t you try to move on already.”

I think that triggered something.

She suddenly pulled out a cutter and started attacking me. I tried to stop her, but I panicked and used my arms and hands to shield myself, which honestly just made things worse. I ended up getting stabbed multiple times in the shoulder, back, and neck, along with smaller cuts from trying to defend myself.

I eventually lost consciousness.

When I woke up, someone was crying near me, a random student who had been walking home and found me. They called the police. I don’t fully remember what happened right after that, but I was taken care of and survived.

She ran away.

From what I’ve heard, her family is hiding her now.

I’m recovering physically, but mentally it’s been a lot to deal with. And if anything, this confirmed for me that I made the right decision.

I don’t hate her, but I’m done. Completely.

If you want more context, you can check my post from about 8 months ago.

I’ll try to update again when I can.

#SMALL UPDATE 1 - IN THE COMMENTS

Thank you to everyone who’s been checking in and leaving kind messages, I really appreciate it.

I’m doing okay, but not fully okay yet. I have a lot of small cuts and a few deeper wounds, especially around my neck, so recovery’s been a bit rough. Physically I’m healing, just slowly, and mentally it’s still a lot to process.

As for my ex, she’s still nowhere to be found. From what I’ve heard, her family is hiding her.

I’ve also been getting a lot of hate from some of her friends, saying I deserved what happened and sending me pretty messed up messages. I won’t lie, that part’s been really depressing on top of everything else.

Right now I’m just trying to focus on healing and taking things day by day. The support I’ve gotten here honestly helps more than you think!!

#SMALL UPDATE 2 - IN THE COMMENTS

Just to address a few things I’ve been seeing in the comments:

Yes, the police were involved. A report was made when I was found and brought in, and I’ve also personally followed up on it after. The case is being worked on, even if I don’t know every detail. I’m not from the US, so things don’t necessarily work the exact same way some of you are describing.

I did receive medical treatment. I’m not going to go into full detail, but I had multiple cuts and a few deeper wounds, especially around my neck. I’m still recovering, both physically and mentally.

For those telling me to press charges, that’s already part of the process. I’ve given all the information I can, including who did it. Right now it’s in the hands of the authorities.

As for her, she still hasn’t been found. From what I’ve been told, her family is moving her around through relatives, which is why it’s taking time.

To the people saying this is fake, I honestly don’t know what to tell you. I wouldn’t make something like this up, and I’m still dealing with the aftermath of it. If you don’t believe it, that’s your choice, but this is my reality right now.

And to the people who’ve been supportive or concerned, thank you. It genuinely helps more than you think.

Final update - after 10.1 months days (after 5 days from last post)

^(May 08, 2026)

Final update in comments

A pretty major update happened recently.

She’s been caught.

The police found her at her grandmother’s house after her twin brother finally came forward and told both us and the authorities where she was hiding. Apparently he couldn’t handle the guilt anymore after finding out everything that actually happened to me and seeing the condition I was in.

From what I know, she had been getting moved around between relatives to avoid being found, which explains why it took so long.

I still haven’t fully processed the fact that this is real. Part of me feels relieved knowing she was finally found, but another part of me is honestly just exhausted from everything.

Physically, I’m healing slowly. The smaller cuts are starting to close up, but the deeper wounds, especially around my neck and shoulder area, are taking longer than expected. I still get random pain and stiffness, and sleeping normally has been difficult.

Mentally though, I think that’s the harder part.

Even after everything, some of her friends are still constantly harassing me on social media. I’ve been getting messages telling me to kill myself, saying I deserved what happened, saying she should’ve “finished the job,” and accusing me of ruining her life by speaking up about it.

At first I tried ignoring it, but after a while it really starts getting to you, especially while trying to recover from something this traumatic.

I’ve been saving screenshots of everything and passing them along when needed.

Also, to the people on Reddit who told me to try playing Tetris after the attack, I genuinely laughed at first because I thought it was a joke, but it’s actually been helping me more than I expected. It gives my mind something else to focus on during bad moments, and weirdly enough it calms me down a bit.

So honestly, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

Right now I’m mostly trying to stay off social media, recover properly, and focus on getting through this one day at a time.

And genuinely, thank you to the people who’ve shown support through all of this. I know strangers on the internet don’t owe me kindness, but it’s helped more than you probably realize.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

reddit.com

u/BigONerd — 3 days ago

▲ 1.4k r/BORUpdates

Am I the jerk to insist on calling my aunt "mother" and to say that it doesn't depend on my mother's permission?

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Sea-Lifeguard-4311

Published on: r/AmITheJerk

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: May 04, 2026
Final Update: May 06, 2026

Main Post

^(May 04, 2026)

Am I the jerk to insist on calling my aunt "mother" and to say that it doesn't depend on my mother's permission?

My older sister was very ill since our childhood. She was born with a congenital heart condition and although she managed with medication in her early years, she was placed on the transplant list when she was 8 years old. I was four at the time but I still remember a little of how difficult that process was for our family. My mother and father were naturally mostly by my sister's side and I have no resentment or bitterness towards them for that. It had to be that way.

But while they were busy with my sister, my aunt looked after us(me and older brother)and we even lived with her from time to time. And she was a wonderful aunt; she did everything she could to make up for the absence of our mother. She put so much effort into raising us and she's a really good, very motherly woman. Honestly, she became a second mother to me and I still call her "Mom" sometimes. After about 10 years old, I reduced this and learned to mostly call her "Aunt," saving the word "Mom" for special occasions or when we were alone together, when I felt one of us needed it. Because I knew it was considered strange for a child to call two people "Mom" and my mother didn't like it at all. But as I said, I didn't stop completely.I couldn't.

I can't say I consciously hide the fact that I sometimes still call her "Mom"but I guess my mother didn't know or she must have thought I'd already stopped, because my aunt had surgery on Friday, and when she woke up from anesthesia, I unconsciously called her "Mom," which surprised her greatly. She said she couldn't believe I still did it and that it was very unhealthy.

Besides it being very unhealthy for me and requiring therapy, she said it was also hurting my aunt because she has a deceased child, and I was reminding her of her loss. (But I asked her about this before, and she said that wasn't the case at all, that she was very happy, and I believe her. Her eyes light up every time I call her "Mom.") She explained that I could get therapy for it if I wanted but she wouldn't allow me to call my aunt "Mom" again and frankly, I got a little angry at that.

I told her that she couldn't allow it anyway because it wasn't something that depended on her permission. I said I would address my aunt however I wanted. I mentioned it. As you can imagine, she's very surprised and angry. But so am I. What nonsense is this? My aunt looked after us for years. She deserves this title, I know she wants it, and I feel comfortable giving it to her, so what's the problem?

My brother is on my side, but my sister is very attached to my mother and tells me I'm being unfair to her. Whereas I think the real injustice is my mother interfering in my relationship with my aunt and taking away a term of endearment that makes us both feel comfortable. Am I wrong or jerk?

COMMENTS

Character_Wheel_2527 >NTA. love isn’t a limited title.. your aunt earned “Mom” the hard way. > >lilac404_ >>if it’s genuine for both of them then that’s all that matters

Silver_Adagio138 >Mom is mother. Aunt is mom. > >Psychological-Egg760 >>Yep! My child has a Father but not a Dad. This is the comment OP needs! 👏🏼

SadProperty1352 >You mom is jealous and will break the family if she continues. > >It's not surprising the one child your mother actually mothered takes her side.

ConfuseableFraggle >Love and the titles used to express the loving connections between people are not cupcakes. There is not a limitation on how many people can share the same type of loving, connected, wonderful relationships. You can only give so many cupcakes to others but the same is not true for titles like "mom" or "grandma" or "dad" or whatever. Those titles are sometimes earned by investing in other people in specific ways, like stepping up when life hits hard. Your aunt stepped up in a huge way for an extended period of time, and in doing so earned the title Mom to denote the dedication in that relationship. Your mom can be somewhat hurt if she wants, but I suspect she is the one who would benefit more from therapy to deal with her resentment of "sharing" the title even when she knows darn well she "shared" the load of your upbringing. > >NTJ, OP. You simply set a reasonable boundary and are holding it. Keep your special relationship with your Aunt-Mom and let your mom work on her own heart. Hugs if you want them!

lizlemonworld >It’s funny her mother wants OP to go to therapy, when it’s OP’s mother who should be going to therapy. OP didn’t call her aunt ‘mom’ to hurt her mom or out of anger. Her mom doesn’t get to gatekeep the term of endearment, NTJ

Final update - after 2 days

^(May 04, 2026)

Update: Am I the jerk because I insisted on calling my aunt "Mom" and stated that she couldn't interfere with that?

Yes, I read the comments, gave myself some time to calm down and think and here I am.

First of all, thank you everyone. These comments reminded me that I am completely free to address my aunt however I want and that I haven't done anything wrong, and they also helped me understand my mother better. I hadn't really thought about why my mother reacted that way – because it seemed selfish and inappropriate to me that she reacted like that while my aunt had just had surgery, I guess that's why I didn't question it much. I realized this after reading the comments. And thinking about it, yes, it seems quite clear that it probably stems from guilt.

I sat my mother down and we talked. I openly asked her why it bothered her so much that I called my aunt "mother" and it quickly became clear that she saw it as an insult. I told her that this was completely unrelated to my relationship with her; it stemmed from the nature of my relationship with my aunt, not the nature of my relationship with her.

She admitted that she couldn't understand this and yes, she still feels a lot of guilt about it, which surprised me because I don't feel any resentment or anger towards my mother or father now, really, truly. It was a very difficult time and everyone did their best; that's really how it had to be at the time. My parents couldn't do anything either. But I think I understand why my mother feels that way because, of course, there were times when I didn't see it or was angry at them as a child, I can't lie.

But I let go of that a long time ago. My sister had to have a second heart transplant when I was 16 and I can honestly say that's exactly why all my resentment melted away. I was old enough then to see and understand everything; I clearly saw how much care and effort my sister's condition required, how impossible it was to keep up with everything. And witnessing and feeling firsthand how difficult and hopeless everything was all my resentment melted away.

It was a terrible situation; for everyone and there was nothing anyone could do. Since then, I haven't felt those old remnants of resentment towards my parents that I sometimes felt during my childhood and adolescence. Since then, I've responded more to my parents' efforts—I can't say I always responded to their attempts at closeness or reconciliation before this event. I wasn't rude, I wasn't overly distant but I know I always made them feel a distance they couldn't overcome with me—and our relationship quickly evolved for the better.

So I thought my mother had overcome it too, like me but I guess I was wrong. Honestly, years have passed. Maybe it's normal for her to feel that way because I haven't quite reached that point yet until a few years ago,maybe I should have considered it. But I really don't feel that way anymore. I told my mother all of this, and I think she was so relieved, she almost cried and she kept thanking me.

However, she said that even though our relationship has improved so much in recent years, she still feels incomplete because I was closer to my aunt for a large part of my life (I can't deny that I kept my distance until I was 16). She said she wanted to spend more time with her, etc. I promised that we would try harder to make up for it, and we also talked about the idea of her going to therapy, not for me. Well, I have to admit that the irony made me laugh!

And yes, I will, of course, continue to call my aunt "Mom."I told my mother that my aunt deserved it, that that's how I feel and that I'll continue to call her that. It's her responsibility to deal with it and she'll work on it.

Thank you everyone!

COMMENTS

DollySheep32 >Its really nice when there's an update where everyone has handled the situation with communication like mature adults. > >ixoraeth >>the mom going to therapy because her kid has a healthy relationship with someone who showed up for them is genuinely a plot twist

Unlucky-Captain1431 >Very good outcome. I’m glad you suggested therapy for her. She is the one carrying baggage and she needs to get through it. Smooth sailing OP.

mcindy28 >What a great conversation to have with your Mom. You won't make up for lost time, but you can certainly build on your relationship now. Maturity goes a long way!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 4 days ago

▲ 2.0k r/AmITheAngel+1 crossposts

My gf has gone M.I.A.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/lostandwandering1

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: September 02, 2021
Update 1: September 06, 2021
Update 2: September 16, 2021
Final Update: October 08, 2021

Main Post

^(September 02, 2021)

My gf has gone M.I.A.

We have been together coming up to 3 years. I(m35) her(f37). We met after she had moved back to our hometown about 4 years ago.

Some background. She, Mary, lived with a guy, let's say Bob who is in his 40's, for over ten years. They met at their work place. She moved to his city for a job after college. He had 3 girls under 7yo at the time. He went thru a bad marriage, then the mom disappears after the divorce. She meets this guy, they find time to date then she moves in with him. She is crazy in love. Then for 10 years or so she was essentially the mom and wife, without being official. Mary wanted to get married and have her own child(ren). Bob did not want to rush into another marriage. Eventually, he just told her he never wants to get married again or have children. This of course crushes Mary. She felt she lost 10 years in which to have her own children even though she loved Bob's. They called her mom. Mary breaks it off, moves back to this side of the country to start over.

We met one night at a get together with mutual friends she had reconnected. We started dating then committed to each other. It's been almost 3 years, we have talked marriage and children, I have none. Late bloomer. We moved in together a year next month. We had talked of getting married late next year. I have not proposed but we have ring shopped.

Mary has kept in touch with the girls over the last few years. They gossip and ask Mary for advice. She has not been in contact with Bob in any regular way. Just birthday wishes etc. Bob has not dated seriously since Mary left. This weekend, the oldest daughter is getting married. She asked Mary to come help her with the last minute preparations and such. The wedding planning is set but the daughter wanted her, Mary, to be there as the mother of the bride. Nothing to do with the ceremony but just be there for her. Mary asked what I thought. I knew she wanted to be there so I told her I had not objections. I had to work during the week so I could not go. Mary has been there since Monday night. She contacted me when landing and that night before bed. Then Tuesday, good morning. Since then nothing. I have texted and called. No response. The texts were read.

Finally I get a text this morning. She mentions how crazy busy she has been. No mention of why no response. She reconnected with old friends and of course Bob. There has been a lunch and dinner of some sort each day. Friday night is the rehearsal dinner. Ceremony and reception on Saturday. Flight home is Sunday afternoon. I asked if she wanted me to fly out late Friday night to be there with her. She said no. She thought dragging me into her old life would not be fair to me. I asked her to text me before bed and in the morning as we did Monday night/Tuesday morning. She said ok. Then for some reason I asked how her hotel room was. I got no answer.

Finally, about an hour later I got a phone call from her. She wanted me to know that she cancelled the hotel and is staying at Bob's house. They have an extra room since the bride moved out. They just put the 2 remaining daughters back into one room. I asked how long was this planned. She said the daughters mentioned it as a possibility when everything was being planned. They asked their dad and he had no problem with it. She cancelled her hotel last weekend but never mentioned it to me because she did not want to make a big deal of it. She just wanted to be with her girls. I told her that she is being sketchy. She started crying at this point. I apologized for the name calling and told her we can talk about it later.

I don't want to ruin her wedding plans but I am very hurt. Not to mention suspicious. Do I have this right? Have I let my imagination run wild?

Edit: Mary just text me, she wants me at the wedding. I have to find a flight out on Friday night.

Edit 2: After seeing some comments, I have decided not to go to the wedding. I texted her I was not coming and that I will decide when she gets home whether we have a relationship still.

COMMENTS

reticenthuman >A lot of ppl are saying she's shacking up with her ex... But isn't she there to be with her (almost) daughters? It's possible that nothing went on although it's not at ALL ok that there wasn't clear communication and honesty on her part. > >Sounds like this is something you guys need to have a good convo about first before some online strangers tell you your relationship is over and advise you to break up. (But I have no experience in this, so what do I know...) > >OOP >>We will talk we she gets back Sunday.

Sauceboss234 >Stopped reading after first 2 paragraphs. > >1 you should have been invited. 2 why is she staying at her ex’s house. 3. 3 years and she doesn’t respect you enough to keep communication up while staying at her ex’s. > >YOU DESERVE BETTER SIR.

Nibiru_realm >Yes you have the right! > >Your girl just stayed with her ex, barely communicated with you, and you have no clue about what she really has been doing. She won't be honest if she did. > >That's so sketchy and you should have a serious talk about this with her. > >If she's crying already, she may just be guilty of doing worse. > >Be careful and look out for yourself. Use your head and leave if you suspect anything.

Update 1 - after 4 days

^(September 06, 2021)

Update: My gf has gone M.I.A..

My gf got back yesterday afternoon. I picked her up at the airport. Once we got home we ordered some take out. I could not wait for dinner to be over. I think she dragged it out as long as she could. She was fidgety, in constant motion so she did not sit down. First it was the stuff from dinner, had to unpack, wanted to get laundry started. I finally took hold of her hands and sat her down.

She immediately started crying. I had not asked her anything. She was blubbering on about how bad she felt about how she mistreated me. I let her go until she calmed down. I started out asking how the girls were doing, howmwas the wedding, what were some of the things she did in then preparations. Did she do anything with the girls that were fun. This seem to calm her down and relax.

Then I asked why she disappeared and did not answer my texts. She says they were busy from the time she landed. She was out for meals and visiting old friends. I asked if the ex was with her during time. He was. So I asked if it felt no time passed since she was hone. She said it did. We went along this vain of questions for a bit.

I asked if she kissed her ex when she arrived. She said they hugged and she kissed his cheek. She said she kissed her friends when they met up. I asked if she held the ex's hand as they went to different places. She had. I then asked, what day did she sleep with him. She started crying so I stayed silent. She asked me why I would ask her that question. I told her she went missing for two days and when we did talk I did not feel she was missing me. I remained quiet. She thought on this and started crying again. She admitted they slept together each night except the first. After we made plans for me the fly out Friday she felt guilty, then when I told her I was not coming she was mad and slept with him the rest of the week.

This is too new, last night but I told her we need to break up. She is talking to family right now to arrange a place to stay. So sometime this week she will be moving out.

COMMENTS

tommagnum11 >I am so sorry 😞. > >It sounds as if you handled a terrible situation really well. Her actions are not a reflection on you, they are a reflection on her. > >higglepop >>I can not upvote this hard enough. That is something that's very easy to lose sight of in this situation. >> >>Her actions are not a reflection on you, they are a reflection on her.

PunisherOfDeth >Ugh this sub can be so depressing. Like I wish one of these situations would go right just one time but it feels like it’s always the worst. I’m sorry for you sir, and hope you can get a clean break from her and move on.

BlackStarBlues >I swear, some redditors are clairvoyant. > >I’m sorry this happened, OP. Please please be careful, I beg of you. Do not have sex with this woman ever again unless you want to be paying child support for the next 18 years. > >Stay strong & be good to yourself.

ProliferateZero >So, she was already sleeping with him multiple times, then got “mad” at you and used it as an excuse to continue sleeping with him? > >That’s gotta sting. I think you did the right thing in ending the relationship. I’m sorry.

Update 2 - after 2 weeks (after 10 day from last post)

^(September 16, 2021)

Update 2: My gf has gone m.i.a.

See my profile for previous posts. So, I had broke up with my gf after she revealed she slept with her ex several times while visiting for a wedding. She came over last night to get her remaining things with her father. While he was loading her stuff, which I had boxed up, we talked.

She had been communicating with her girls throughout the time we were together. I knew this. She was a mother figure to them, I get it. She did not talk to ex unless it was a quick wave as he walked past the FaceTime call. Since the beginning of the year, communication picked up due to wedding plans. The ex became a bit more involved as the plans needed to go by him. Eventually, that led to private calls between them.

She missed her family. As the time neared where she would be visiting, the calls increased to the girls and the private chats to the ex. He must have started saying all the right things. Once she landed, she stepped right back into 4 years ago as being a family. Once they slept together, he promised her they would get married and get pregnant. That's all she needed to hear. She would tell me when she got home. When I told her I was flying out that turned the plans upside down.

So this weekend, she is moving back to them. She has quit her job here, she has approached her old job there but nothing is definite. There are plenty of jobs waiting. I have nothing. Isn't that the way it is with cheaters? They go on to live their lives leaving devastation in their wake.

Edit. Everyone says she will be back. I won't take her back. I think she was settling with me. The ex would not marry and wanted no kids. He now says they can get pregnant and marry.. That is why she left. She loves those girls as her own.

COMMENTS

Kigichi >He SAYS they can marry and have kids. > >I doubt that he will actually follow through and she will be begging for another chance. > >Nope. > >OOP >>No longer my issue. I hope for her sake he will.

The__Riker__Maneuver >You can take solace in the fact that this is going to blow up in her face massively > >Old boy is simply telling her what she wants to hear because he needs help with his kids and is tired of doing it on his own > >You dodged a bullet my dude > >NatureCarolynGate >>dodged the Battle of Britain

RockYouLikeAMaster >when she come crawling back(i really think that it's when and not if),don't accept her back in your life. > >she already did her choice,and you don't have to accept being someone else's plan b.

Final update - after 5 weeks (after 3 weeks from last post)

^(October 08, 2021)

Last update: My gf has gone M.I.A.

Thank you all for the kind words and support. I last updated a few weeks ago after my ex left. Her dad, I ran into at a store, says she has settled back in with her family. She had tried to contact me but I have blocked her on everything. So her dad was just passing on one last apology. I have been working on myself. Gym, reading, work, friends. I know it just takes time. I really didnt need this last gut punch though. Anyways, thank you, again.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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u/AlabasterSting — 4 days ago

▲ 1.4k r/BORUpdates+1 crossposts

Me [31 M] SAHD being sexually harassed/assaulted by neighborhood mom [30s/40s F]

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/SAHDthrowaway1

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: NO FURTHER UPDATES

Story timeline

Main Post: August 30, 2015
Final Update: September 01, 2015

Main Post

^(August 30, 2015)

Me [31 M] SAHD being sexually harassed/assaulted by neighborhood mom [30s/40s F]

Background: I am a stay at home dad in an upscale neighborhood in Southern California. My wife is a successful media personality (not super famous but known, think c/d lister). The local moms have a facebook group for stay at home parents and arrange meetings and playdates through the group. Marsha runs the fb group and sets up most of the meetings. Marsha and her husband have a beautiful pool and so most of the stay at home moms congregate there during the day. I joined the group when we moved in a few months ago and my 3 year old daughter has a blast at the pool and is friends with several of the children there and is especially close with Marsha's 3 year old twins.

The issue: I am an attractive man and I have a good physique so it is not uncommon for women to flirt with me. When I first met up with the group, most of the women were friendly and happily included me and my daughter "Isabelle". During the first group playdate Marsha was a little overly flirtatious and made a few remarks about my looks. Saying stuff like "now that we are adding a cute guy to the group we are going to have to get dressed up to just take our kids out." And telling the other women "don't tell everyone in the neighborhood we have a hot dad in our group or it will become overrun with nannies."

I just brushed off these comments as harmless flirtations. I was flattered and didn't think much of it. But as I started to spend more time with the group some of the moms started to make me uncomfortable with their behavior, notably "Marsha" and another mom, "Kelly".

The main group has 7 women, 5 are moms and 2 are nannies. There are a few others in the neighborhood that join once in a while. Marsha is clearly the leader. She plans most of the group meetings and sets the terms. During the summer we hang out at her house everyday because she has an amazing pool area. My daughter loves to go in the pool but is obviously too young to go in alone so I wear a normal bathing suit and take off my shirt to bring her into the pool. Almost every time I take off my shirt Marsha makes some kind of lewd comment or gasps. When I was in the pool the other day another one of the moms (Kelly) touched my stomach and said "how do you get abs like that?" I just laughed and said "diet and exercise" and pulled away. She then stepped toward me and said "maybe you can train me?" and then ran her hand across my stomach again. Marsha yelled at Kelly "Stop hitting on my boyfriend!!!" and most of the moms laughed.

Then things escalated when Kelly sent me some explicit texts. She said "I am shopping for a new swimsuit what do you think of these?" and sent me several picture of her in bikinis. I just said that they looked good. I know I shouldn't have said anything but I didn't want to make waves or be awkward. I literally just responded with "they look good" and didn't say anything else. A few days later Kelly was at the pool and thanked me for the feedback on the swimsuits. Marsha overheard and again accused Kelly of trying to seduce her "boyfriend". I said "my wife is my only girlfriend" (makes no sense I know but I was trying to make a point.) Marsha said "seems like your wife is more interested in (coworker on tv) than you or your daughter." I just kind of laughed and said she didn't know what she was talking about. We kind of left it awkwardly at that.

That night Marsha sent me a text of her in bikini bottoms with just her arm over her breasts saying "what do you think of these bottoms?" I didn't respond and then she sent a picture of her in the bottoms with nothing over her breasts. I responded "this is inappropriate". The next morning she texted me and said she was sorry for being inappropriate and she wants me to come to the pool the next day. I accepted the invitation and took Isabelle over the next day and acted like nothing was wrong. We both went into the pool and put our kids on a raft and we were both holding the raft. She came on the same side as me and then reached down and grabbed my penis through my swimsuit under the water. I immediately jumped back and grabbed my daughter and told her it was time to go. My daughter was having a great time and she started wailing and pleading to let her stay and Marsha kept saying "please let her stay, shes having so much fun."

I want to go back because my daughter loves to hang out with her friends at the pool. I want to say something to Marsha (and Kelly) that stops this behavior but I am worried Marsha will ostracize us from the group if I embarrass her publicly. She has "banned" other moms from the group for questioning her authority before and acts like a bully in general. I have to deal with her because she has 3 year old twins who are my daughters best friends and I really think it is in my daughter's best interest to be included in the group. And truthfully, I also really enjoy being in the group most of the time. I need to let the women know I am not interested and their behavior is inappropriate. I think maybe I should post something on the facebook group page so it doesn't seem personal, and even though Marsha and Kelly have been the only ones to cross the line some of the others have been sort of inappropriate with comments or leering, but that seems very awkward to me.

I don't want to involve their husbands or my wife because I don't want to create any unnecessary drama.

What is the best way to handle this? If I made a post on the facebook page what should I say.

tl;dr: Two of the moms in a neighborhood parenting group have been overly friendly/flirtatious with me and the behavior is escalating, especially Marsha. I want to shut down the inappropriate behavior without making the women uncomfortable and risking being ostracized from the group.

Edit: I appreciate the feedback and the overwhelming majority thinks I need to tell my wife. I think I will tell her that Marsha and Kelly have been inappropriately flirtatious. Then I will pull them aside tomorrow and tell them the behavior needs to stop. If they react poorly I will cut bait from the group. If they seem normal maybe I will continue to hang out with the group sometimes but less often.

Edit 2: Thank you all for the feedback. I have realized I was downplaying this situation and don't think I even want to try being a part of the group anymore. My daughter will get over it and make new friends and someone made a great point about how these shitty moms will raise shitty kids I don't want her around anyway.

I am going to tell my wife what has been going on and quietly withdraw from the group. I think I was deluding myself because hanging by the pool all day gossiping with moms while my daughter had fun playing with all the kids was so pleasant and now I have to find new activities to do with her. But it will be for the best.

COMMENTS

OOP to a long Thread >Your response woke me up. I think I have been downplaying the behavior because my life would be much easier if it didn't exist. > >The thing is, my daughter is going to live in this neighborhood for the foreseeable future and these children will be her friends. I feel like I have to address the situation somehow. > >Both Marsha and Kelly are married. I could show their husbands the texts if push came to shove but honestly it seems like a nuclear option that would probably negatively impact my family. I just want a normal neighborly relationship. Maybe it is too far gone to expect that. > >& > >I don't think my daughter has picked up on the negative behavior. I hope not. But I agree if it continues she will be negatively affected. > >I think maybe threatening to tell their husbands could solve the problem. "If you guys continue to do/text inappropriate things I will have to tell your husbands." > >Just typing that makes me think the situation is untenable. Since it sounds so childish. Maybe it is time to move on but that is going to cause such a headache. We just bought our dream house in our dream neighborhood and if my daughter stops hanging out with her friends and I tell my wife why we are going to probably have to move.

cat_romance >I think any comment against them is going to get you banned from the group. So leave under your own steam. If you make a comment without having warned your wife first you better believe Marsha is going to attack you to your wife. Your best bet is to tell your wife and get her take. She might just prefer you leave the group or she might want to tell their husbands. She deserves to be a part of the conversation. > >OOP >>"I think any comment against them is going to get you banned from the group. So leave under your own steam." >> >>This is a good point. Especially if I say anything publicly. Maybe I will pull the two women aside and mention that their inappropriate behavior needs to stop. >> >>inspctrgdgt >>>You are so far past that. It's this kind of thinking which has me seriously questioning your motives. What would it take for you to say, "Forget these crazy bitches, they don't deserve any consideration from me, I'm going for the nuclear option"? >>> >>>OOP >>>>It has been a few instances in 3 months. If they just treated me normally it would be a great situation for me and my daughter. It didn't seem as dire to me until I typed it all out and got the feedback.

RememberKoomValley >>I don't want to involve their husbands or my wife because I don't want to create any unnecessary drama. > >You must involve your wife. Sit her down, say "I have to tell you this, even though it's awful, before someone else does." Because someone else WILL. Probably Marsha herself. And then discuss together how to handle it. > >>I really think it is in my daughter's best interest to be included in the group > >And learn how to be a woman from these women? Learn from such a young age that the objectification of another's body is reasonable, normal, adult behavior? > >OOP >>I really don't want to involve my wife because even though she is an amazing woman she can be a little hot tempered/dramatic. And if she ever lashed out on fb/social media or even text it could really hurt her. Which I think there is a non zero chance of happening. >> >>I don't think Marsha would want this to be public because her husband is very high profile. But it definitely is possible. >> >>Honestly it occurred to me this could happen and is one of the reasons I posted this. I could show my wife as evidence and I think she would understand why I didn't bring it to her attention right away. >> >>As for my daughter. I don't know. The kids are great and it is just 2 of the women that she has limited access to but I see your point.

Final update - after 2 days

^(September 01, 2015)

UPDATE- Me [31 M] SAHD being sexually harassed/assaulted by neighborhood mom [30s/40s F]

I want to thank everyone for the helpful advice. It is very clear to me I was being intentionally obtuse about the situation. The truth is, hanging by the pool everyday while my daughter played was such a good situation that I wanted to avoid reality because it was easier for me. I decided to tell my wife what was going on and avoid going back to the group.

First Marsha texted me Monday and asked me when I was coming over. I told her we weren't going to come because "your behavior has made me very uncomfortable and it is not a good situation for me or my daughter." She said "wtf are you talking about?" I said "I'm not going to play this game, you know what I am talking about." Then she said "I will be more discreet." I responded "I am not interested in any kind of sexual or flirtatious relationship, we won't be hanging out with the group anymore." She said "lol do you have your period haha?" I blocked her number.

My in laws took my daughter to the beach so I sat my wife down and told her everything and showed her the texts. Initially, she didn't handle it well at all. She was very angry and directed it at me. She accused me of liking the attention and "being a flirt". This is something we have argued about before and honestly I am not overly flirtatious in any way that would be considered inappropriate. She has talked about this with her therapist and the therapist even told her that she is too sensitive about it and my behavior is normal. I told her I am friendly and I sometimes do flirt (it's just my nature) but I never have crossed any lines and never would. This isn't my fault and I just wanted to make her aware of why I was going to be avoiding Marsha and the group in the future.

We kept talking and she kept trying to push some blame onto me and said I like making her jealous. We have this rule in our relationship where we can say a certain word and the other person has to give a completely honest answer with no bull shit or posturing. So I invoked the word and said "Do you really think I did anything wrong or did any of this to hurt you or make you jealous?" She stopped in her tracks and thought for a second and calmed down. She apologized and said she knows I didn't do anything wrong, she was just angry. She asked me what I was going to do about it. My wife thought I should tell her husband now but honestly Marsha feeds on drama and gossip and I just want to cut ties with her. She likes to think of herself as being on a reality show (she always talks about how she would be perfect for real housewives but her husband won't let her do it). Telling her husband might be a "bro" thing to do but furthering this drama and creating a war with Marsha is not good for my family living in this neighborhood. Also its not like her husband doesn't know what she is like. My hope is Marsha will just leave it be until the next dramatic plot in her fictional show grabs her attention.

My wife saw her therapist today and called me after and apologized for her behavior and reiterated that she felt I did nothing wrong.

I don't really know what to tell my daughter. My wife's therapist told her that we should tell my daughter "in an age appropriate way" that Marsha was rude to me so we aren't going to play there anymore. I don't think that is the best approach. It would lead to more questions/confusion and I don't even want to have to tell my daughter that Marsha is mean or rude. Especially because I don't know what will happen in the future between our kids. It is possible they will interact/be friends down the line.

Today I took her to an animal shelter to look for a dog to adopt (we had been planning this anyway.) So she was super focused on that and didn't even think about the playgroup. My plan now is to just set up playdates with some of the other kids without Marsha and plan activities for a while and eventually it will just become normal not to see them everyday.

Does anyone have any opinions on this part?

I will update again if anything happens with Marsha. It is definitely possible she does something crazy which would be entertaining for you guys but my hope is she just leaves it alone.

tl;dr: Marsha continues to be a jerk. Talked to my wife (borat voice, seriously go back and read again in borat voice), she was upset. Left playgroup. Getting dog!

COMMENTS

DRHdez >Is there a public pool you can go nearby? in a community center maybe? That way your daughter gets her fun time in the water and she might meet new kids there. > >You handled this in a very appropriate way. Kudos. > >OOP >>I know this is silly but we actually have a pool. Marsha just has an amazing set up with waterslides and cabana/pool house so the group goes there everyday. It wasn't so much about the pool. I was just using that as an excuse because it was more fun to be a part of the group. But I was ignoring that being part of the group meant submitting to Marsha's rule.

Snowboots11 >Yes op, be preparedness for the rumor mill. Hopefully she won't spin sexual assault story. Save those messages. > >OOP >>I have all the messages saved. I wouldn't be surprised if she said something like I hit on her and she turned me down. I don't care if she does. She doesn't have much credibility. I doubt she would claim sexual assault, but it is possible.

I_Me_Myself >Thanks for the update, but seem like the "quiet before the storm" honestly. Masha will definitely make up some lies when the other SAHPs ask why you not attending their group sessions anymore so I would keep those texts message handy. > >OOP >>I think if she says anything about it she will say I hit on her and she turned me down. But Marsha is a pathological liar/rumor starter. She doesn't hold much credibility so I don't think the rumor would cause much damage. Even if this group of 5 moms think I hit on Marsha I don't really care. >> >>I_Me_Myself >>>The worst rumor she can throw out is you giving creepy looks to the children which would be a devastating rumor and could alienate you and your family from the neighborhood. So be prepared. >>> >>>OOP >>>>I did consider this. I don't think it is the type of rumor she would start though. Sadly as a SAHD whenever I interact with the children I always have this in the back of my mind. One time I was at a store with my daughter and I took her into the bathroom, when we came out there were 2 cops there and they questioned me and then questioned my daughter who just turned 3 with me out of ear shot. Someone reported that I "dragged a child into the bathroom." She was terrified and then was afraid to use the bathroom in public. >>>> >>>>2 weeks ago my nephews were visiting and I took them to Marsha's pool. They are 7 and 9 so I was lifting them up over my head and throwing them into the deep end. A bunch of other kids ran over and asked me to throw them. My first thought was the other parents will think I am trying to touch their kids. My second thought was someone is going to get hurt and I will get sued. I told my nephews we had to stop because it was too dangerous.

OOP to a long comment >She is embroiled in some kind of drama every week. My hope is she will move on to the next one. > >I don't think Kelly will be a problem. She seemed more desperate/looking for validation than predatory. > >There are plenty of other kids in the neighborhood to play with. The core group of 5 from the playgroup will be off limits because I am sure we will be blacklisted. I now realize these aren't the people I should be hanging out with and exposing my daughter to anyway. > >I don't plan on telling anyone. If someone asks directly I will tell them the truth but I am not going to be a part of her show.

lousymom >Dumb question: How do you set-up this "truth" word with your wife? And how do you both make sure you actually meet the terms? This is somewhat fascinating. > >OOP >>My two biggest problems with my wife were she is hard to communicate with when she is angry because she just says things to try to make me upset because she can't stand when I am so calm in an argument. The other was she never would just take a compliment (eg. "How do I look in this dress?" "You look amazing" "No, really?..." ad nauseum). >> >>So one day we were discussing a "safe word" for sex and I had the idea of a safe word for arguments. So I proposed the idea and my wife liked it. We both promised to never lie when the word was used. It only works if both people are committed to it. And we promised not to abuse it by invoking it all of the time. Only in serious situations. But it cuts out so much bull shit, we can get to the point if we are having an argument and now when she says "how do I look in this dress? I say "Amazing" "No, really?" "(truth word) Amazing." and that is the end of it.

undercarriageaciddip >Dude I hope in your convos with your wife you admitted some responsibility for not immediately going to her with the bikini pics. It's obviously not your fault for what happened to you, but at least some of your wife's ire is understandable because you withheld the situation from her, making her think you might be condoning it. I'm not jealous of that BS though. I'm about 8 years removed from my fit young buck days but I know middle aged ladies with some drinks in them can become hyenas. > >OOP >>My wife works super hard, my main job is to run the house/family. I try to keep as much off her plate as possible. I agree this is something she needed to know but I think my concerns were valid and it was perfectly acceptable to take a few days to consider what to do. My wife knows I am a calculated and deliberate person who likes to take time to consider options. She loves this quality in me because she is impulsive and spontaneous and we balance each other out really well.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 5 days ago

▲ 2.2k r/BORUpdates

I think my husband is up to something.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/abouttogetangry2

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: August 28, 2015
Final Update: August 29, 2015

Main Post

^(August 28, 2015)

I think my husband is up to something.

I (f39) can not figure out what the hell is going on with my husband (m40).

We have been together for 20 years, married for 15, we have a nice life together, we get along well, we have sex probably at least 5 times a week. We have good jobs, make pretty decent money, own a house, yada yada... About 2 months ago my "what the hell is this nonsense" alarm started going off. My husband works in the financial industry, he works in an office full of men mostly, but they hired 4 women about two months ago. None of these women are particularly attractive, however, one of the women he immediately started talking about.

He would just mention her in passing, nothing that I was worried about until one day he had to go speak with her about something office related and THIS is when he started acting really weird. He mentions to me that he had to have a meeting with "one of the new girls, I forget what her name is" This is red flag number one because this man has NEVER forgotten anyone's name. EVER. Over the next two weeks he brings her up a few times when he is talking about work, but he alsways says something like "The girl at my office...I think her name is Becky" In my head I'm thinking "You KNOW her damn name, stop acting like you dont!"

I am a firm believer that people (especially men) will tell half truths when they are doing something they shouldnt be, and this is why he tells me about having to deal with her, but pretends he cant remember her name.

Truthfully, I feel like he is either cheating on me, or trying to figure a way to cheat. Here are the reasons I think this...

Aside from the name thing I mentioned above, he suddenly got VERY interested in one specific sexual thing that he was NEVER interested in before, and by VERY interested, I mean it's all he talked about.
He has a phone for work, his boss provides Iphones for all the employees and one day, out of the blue he says "I got a weird message on my work phone today, it was from some woman telling me she wanted something" and that was the end of the conversation, he changed the subject. This again, goes along with my theory that half truths are being told.
We car pool together because we live very far away from the town we both work in, it's actually a different state, right across the border. One day when I was pulling up to get him I was a little early, and I could swear that I watched him and one of the women walk away from her car and around to the front of the office. I was so completely caught off guard that I didnt really register what I was seeing, and truthfully, I would not swear that it was him. I just thought "wait, did I just see that?"
I have caught him without his wedding ring at least 3 times in the last 2 weeks.
This morning I was dropping him off, Becky pulls in behind us, gets out of her car and glares at me, waits until I start to turn my head and does this little wave thing to my husband.

All of this combined with the fact that I just have this feeling in my gut that something is going on, and I am about to flip out.

I keep trying to bring this up with him and he gets mad, like SO mad that he will not even talk to me about any of it, and accuses me of just trying to start crap.

Tell me Reddit if I am just crazy, please.

TL:DR I think he's cheating, he tells me I'm nuts. Help!

ETA: You have all been super helpful and amazing, and I really appreciate it so much. I have read all the comments, if I didnt respond to you please know that I appreciate your insight. I will update as soon as I have some final answers, either from him or from uh...I think her name is Becky?

Edit part deux...

Everyone keeps asking if uh...becky is it, knows that he is married. I would assume that she does, because he does wear a ring, however, a few weeks ago right after I brought this all up with him he was really mad, mad enough that he went to work and called me from his office, yelling at me and saying some really shitty things, he made no effort to hide our conversation from all of his co-workers, which was incredibly shitty of him.

COMMENTS

Debutt >Him getting so mad when you bring it up seals the deal for me. Definitely something going on. There is no reason to get angrily defensive about something if it's nothing. I think all the half truths and mentioning Becky shows that he is at least feeling a little guilty for whatever's going on here. A truly committed, stone cold cheater would either never mention the girl or double down and act like she's a friend. But that doesn't excuse his choices. Just give him a long stony stare and let him know in no uncertain terms that you know. It's time to cut short his wobbly act and move forward, wherever that may lead. > >OOP >>I will divorce him so fast his fucking head will spin, and he knows that, I have ZERO tolerance for cheating. I dont honestly think that he's bending her over his desk or anything, but I have NO doubt that hes flirting and would cheat if given the right opportunity. Thanks for your opinion, it helps!

Hooty__McBoob >Oh thank god. We so many spineless people in this thread, it's refreshing when someone has self-respect. > >LilaFaith >>Right? I'm almost confused at how self assured she is. More people should be like her. >> >>OOP >>>I have busted my ass to be a good wife, I can tell everyone, without a doubt, that at the end of the day I AM a good wife, but if he wants to throw the last 15 years of our life away, that's up to him. I can not even fathom continuing to have a relationship with someone who breaks that trust.

blackberrycat >Okay maybe this is a terrible idea, but do you know any of the other people who work at his office? Perhaps you could subtly mention your suspicions to one of them and ask them to keep an eye out for you to see what they're up to. Either way, I would start getting a little more curious on my own. > >OOP >>I do know some of them, but it's kind of a good old boys network there, they would never tell me. I think that because you people here are telling me that I'm not crazy, I am gonna have to start showing up unannounced or something.

Clorox43 >Definitely trust your gut on this one. Do you know if Becky is married? > >OOP >>Shes in a relationship with some guy who is clueless, but about to find some stuff out from me. Facebook is so useful!

dragonfliesloveme >Well, none of this sounds very good, honestly. > >However, I'm feeling a little daft on point #3: Are you saying that he was in a woman's car, then got out of it with her, or that he was standing by her car? If they were only standing by her car, are you saying they were doing that for privacy sake? Not sure I'm getting the significance of being by the car and walking to the front. I've walked with coworkers to their cars before, simply in mid-conversation. > >But yeah, the deer-in-the-headlights reaction to his ring being gone is not good. The mental preoccupation with what's-her-name, oh yeah Becky!, that's not good. The fact that he's not even placating you about her, but getting really angry and refusing to talk, not good. > >And last but not least, the cheater's favorite go-to: gaslighting. Yep, you are the crazy one, this all in your head. Well, no it's not, and he doesn't seem to have a reasonable explanation for any of it. He doesn't even want to talk about it. > >And fuck Becky for glaring at you. > >OOP >>It appeared that they were standing by her car. I dont know what they were doing, but he really doesn't work WITH her, shes a company receptionist, how much could they possibly have to talk about that is work related? >> >>"And fuck Becky for glaring at you" >> >>Indeed!

ma15350 >She is giving him attention and he's scared to death of you. Why would he take his ring off, she knows he's married. Just ask him straight away, you will know immediately. > >OOP >>I have asked him, he got really mad and told me that he never wants me to bring it up again. I have brought it up since, he just refuses to talk.

CivilEntgineer >I agree with most of the comments but just want to add one thing: > >You are either spot on and he's physically or emotionally cheating on you, or you are blinded by rage and completely exaggerating everything, which would require extensive therapy to work on your insecurity. > >It sounds to me like the former, but if he's somehow proven innocent then you're going to have a lot of making up to do. > >OOP >>I'm really not a blinded by rage kind of gal, and honestly, I am not insecure. I have never had an issue with him working with women or hanging around with women in general, until this particular woman started being mentioned a lot. (becky, I think her name is) I have been with this man for 20 years, married for 15, hes never given me a reason to think badly about him, but this behavior is just not right. I truthfully hope I am very very wrong, I love him, we have a great life together, but I will not put up with cheating.

Final update - next day

^(August 29, 2015)

[Update] I think my husband is up to something.

I left work and called him and told him i was gonna stop at the liquor store, he said "ok!" So I stopped and bought stuff to make drinks, went to his job and pulled up to see him standing by her fucking car, kissing her. I honked my horn, waved pathetically and drove off. 15 years down the drain.

To the person who said that I showed no love for him in my post... you have no idea what my life has been like the last few months.

I'm drunk now, getting divorced, what a waste. Goodnight all, thanks for your help.

Tl:dr. He's cheating.

ETA, Thanks for all the support, people of Reddit. I think I'm in shock, mostly just really mad at him. We will be getting divorced, I can not stay with someone I don't trust. We have 3 cars and a house to divide, luckily I know a good attorney. He cheated on me, he'll cheat on her. I'm lucky I found this out now, not a year and some diseases later. :/

COMMENTS

Zorkeldschorken >Sometime in the next couple of days, he's going to start blowing up your phone, telling you what a huge mistake he made and that he wants to be with you instead. > >Don't fall for it. > >What happened is that Becky (I think that's her name) dumped him because of the divorce drama. > >OOP >>Yeah, that started at about 4am. I answered the phone once and told him that he would be served with divorce paperwork on Monday or Tuesday, then hung up and blocked him.

afeno >I wish I could slap the stupid out of his face for you, OP! I wouldn't normally suggest being vindictive, but CLEAN HIM OUT during the settlement. See if uh, Becky will still take him for what he is. In the meantime, my thoughts are with you! > >throwaway_holla >>Rather than cleaning him out - which will only make you both angry and bitter forever - go for a split that you both can live with and accept, so you can move on without turning a conflict into an all-out war that makes you both poor and angry, and makes both lawyers rich. >> >>OOP >>>I work in the legal field, I know every lawyer, every paralegal and every judge in this county, I am far too familiar with long, drawn out divorces that turn super ugly. I have no patience for that nonsense. I want this over with so I can move on with my life.

commenter1126 (downvoted) >What are you so sad about? You just got the biggest payday of your life. His house, two of his cars, 60% of his money, and he'll live in indentured servitude to you for many years. Welcome to America! > >OOP >>We make about the same amount of money, I don't need his money to survive, we have a nice amount of savings, I'm sure that will be split. Probably sell the house and split the proceeds. It'll be fairly simple I think.

SMALL UPDATE IN THE COMMENTS - after 20 days

^(September 18, 2015)

melaisilme >Has he tried talking to you since this happened? Any updates? Dying to know. I'm sorry this happened to you. > >OOP >>He has tried, repeatedly. I just ignore him. Getting divorced, sucks to be him. ;)

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u/BigONerd — 6 days ago

▲ 1.3k r/BORUpdates+1 crossposts

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/wayofthefrog79

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: July 18, 2015
Final Update: August 09, 2015

Main Post

^(July 18, 2015)

My [30M] wife [29F] just recently had our first child. Our sex live has taken a nose dive because I see her as a mom instead of my wife now. How do I get past this?

My wife and I have always had a great sex life. Even during her pregnancy it was great. About 6 months ago, she gave birth to our first child, and ever since we've been physically able to have sex after the birth, our sex life has taken a big hit.

Although my wife looks just as good as she ever did, I just keep getting hung up on the fact that she is a mom now. Seeing her body used to grow and nurse our child has changed the way I view her and made it difficult for me to see her in a sexual way. It may seem crazy, but I feel dirty and just don't enjoy the sex because of this mindset.

She has certainly noticed my decreased desire and worries that she isn't as attractive as she used to be. I've tried to reassure her, but I don't think she believes me since I don't want sex as often. The thing is I'm not really sure it would be any better to tell her that it's because I see her as a mom and not as a sexual being anymore. That just seems like it would only fuel her insecurities.

I'm just not sure how (1) I change this mindset and (2), in the meantime, reassure her that I still want her as much as I ever did. I miss her and I miss the sex.

tl;dr: My wife recently had our first baby. Since that time, I view her as more of a mom than as my sexual partner. This has ruined my desire to have sex with her, and I want to get past this.

COMMENTS

Aureez >What's the relationship like with your own mother? > >OOP >>Um, I don't know what to say. I don't really have a relationship with her. >> >>Aureez >>>Hmm it's a difficult one, because you are idolising her to a degree, usually that can stem from doing the same thing with your mother and not having a relationship puts that idea on hold, what used to attract you to your wifes body? and how do you view these things now? >>> >>>OOP >>>>I was trying to think of how to describe it but "idolizing" is a perfect way to describe it. I just feel like she's off-limits to me now because of her mother status. In terms of purely psychical things, I really loved her breasts and legs. The things are fine, but I definitely see her breasts as the baby's food source instead of my fun things.

Spoonbills >They're also her fun things, though, too. > >Would it help to focus on pleasuring her? For all sorts of reasons, including helping you see her as a sexual creature, whose body gives and receives pleasure? > >OOP >>I think so. It would help me reestablish that sexual relationship, which would help me stop viewing her just as a mother.

short_round_180 >She is a mom, but that's not all she is! Trust me by after carrying, delivering and nursing the child she wants to be her old self too, occasionally. > >Have you guys had a date night? Do you have someone that can watch the baby even for a few hours so you can get down to business, without the baby in the house. That can be it's own hurdle, worrying about waking the baby. > >Maybe check into a hotel, so you aren't surrounded by reminders of the baby. > >Moms are people too. She's also someone's daughter, that didn't stop you from banging her! We all serve multiple roles in our lives, but no single role defines us. > >OOP >>Our support system isn't great, so it's hard to find a babysitter. Yeah, like I told someone else, although I love our daughter very much, if I could just get some alone time without being reminded of her then that would help a lot!

McCheesySauce >That's a super common problem a lot of new dads run into. You just need to start interacting with your wife more, less as a mother but more as a spouse. Go out on dates, flirt, experiment with naughty books, just do things that don't make you think "Mother!" when you look at her. > >OOP >>That may be most of the problem. I think, since the baby was born, almost all of our interactions have been in our role as parents. If we could manage to get some free time, I think it would do us a lot of good.

lambertthesheepish >Can I ask, do you think you might be jealous or resentful of your daughter and the attention she's getting from your wife? This can co-exist with loving feelings for your daughter. Also, while time away from your daughter could be beneficial to your relationship, consider what your wife needs/wants as well. She shouldn't be forced to leave her baby to be seen as a sexual being when the problem is in your head. Maybe try flirting with her and kissing and cuddling in the presence of the baby too, otherwise you're setting yourself up for a situation where it's deeply ingrained in you that you cannot be sexual unless your daughter is out of sight, out of mind. And that's going to force your wife to choose between you and your daughter a lot in the future. > >OOP >>I don't feel any jealously of my daughter. I understand that we have different places in my wife's life. I don't mind some flirting when the baby is around, but I just don't feel comfortable doing a lot of it when she's in the room. It just weirds me out.

janestanford >6 months is not that long! It's very normal for couples with young children to have a change in their sex lives. For many people things don't go back to "normal" for 18 months to 2 years. Everyone is different, but I don't think you should be concerned about this at this point. Talk to your partner, it's not unusual for you both to undergo a change in your sexual desire post-baby. > >I'd suggest "The Longest Shortest Time" a podcast about parenthood, as well as "The Savage Lovecast" as they both give great post-baby sex advice. > >Good Luck! Do not despair, and congratulations! > >OOP >>Thanks for the awesome advice.

Final update - after 22 days

^(August 09, 2015)

[update] My wife [29F] just recently had our first child. Our sex live has taken a nose dive because I see her as a mom instead of my wife now. How do I get past this?

tl;dr: My wife recently had our first baby. Since that time, I view her as more of a mom than as my sexual partner. This has ruined my desire to have sex with her, and I want to get past this.

I thought I would give you guys an update and a thank you. There were so many helpful comments in my original post!

I talked to my wife about my feelings and let her know that I had been having a difficult time seeing her in a sexual light since she'd given birth to our daughter. I explained that it was in no way her fault; I just was idealizing her body and being in a way that made me feel that she was sacrosanct. We talked more and came up with some ways that could help me get past this. Long story short, we've been able to spend a lot of time together as a couple the last few weekends, and things are great again, if you know what I mean ;). We're both very happy, and our daughter is doing well.

Thanks, everyone!

tl;dr: Wife and I came up with ways to help me get over this. Things are great again!!!!!!

COMMENTS

Jinglemoon >Great update. Sex won't ever be exactly like it was before kids, but that doesn't mean it can't still be fantastic. Great that you guys worked things out. > >OOP >>It's still pretty good. I really missed having that intimacy with her, so I'm really glad it's back.

smokebreak >Don't knock her up again if that's not what you want! New moms can be extremely fertile! > >OOP >>We want another child at some point. But TIL new moms can be extremely fertile.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 7 days ago

▲ 2.1k r/BORUpdates

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/AdventurousBet6537

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

Main Post: May 01, 2026
Update: May 02, 2026

Main Post

^(May 01, 2026)

I 23F think i need to move out of the house after Dad 48M requested I pay 1k a month in rent.

I just made this today dont want it on my main.

I 23F live at home with my Dad, Mom and younger brother and I also work from home.

So here is the short version, I work for a pharmaceutical company as a data analyst and hopefully soon to be a data scientist once I finish some certifications, I have worked at this company for 3.5 years, I started as an intern and once I finished my degree I was given a full time position. My parents deal for me to live at home as an adult was to always contribute to the household, so we came up with “what contributions” to make sure there weren’t any discrepancies.

Pay the light bill because I am home the most (roughly $200 a month during winter and 350 during summer…Texas)
I opted to pay for the water ($150), gas ($50-80), internet ($100)
My mother added for me to drive my brother around – at reasonable requests so I usually pick him up after school from practice and he plays like a million sports and is in a trillion clubs, this is until he can get a car. I also drive him to places if I can.
I pay for my own cell phone, car insurance and subscriptions.
I still have chores, cooking, cleaning, etc. so does my brother.

Well, my dad came to me last week and asked that I start paying $500 a month (cheap yes I know) because he desnt think I contribute enough to the house. This rubbed me the wrong way because I feel that I do, I know $500 is cheap and I wont get anything cheaper out there but that will mean I will be paying 1k a month to live at home. So I said if I am going to start giving cash for living at home then I am a tenant not a family member contributing to the house. If I am going to pay rent then I want a lease, I want to be able to come and go as I please, I don’t want to pay the monthly bills because then it should be covered in my rent and the obligation of driving my brother around should also go out the window (he is my brother and I will always accommodate him because we get a long but not the point). He got upset and said I want being petty and not thinking clearly and if I leave I will not be allowed back when I realize the real world is harder than 500 a month and when I fall on my ass, he will not help me.

I looked around and I can get a studio apartment or a 1 bedroom for $1200, and I get my own space and privacy and more than likely not spend too much more money. I would save on the utilities alone so it wouldn’t be that much more expensive, and I can get my desk out of my room. He has been ignoring me for the past week until today.

My mom asked for me to take the day off to discuss this and didn’t want my brother home because she didn’t want him to see us arguing, which is weird because why would we be arguing and not discussing?!

My mom tried to negotiate, that I don’t pay utilities and my rent is $750 a month but I still had to do chores and keep the same routine with my brother. Also, the house rule would be no noise or company past 9 pm Sunday through Thursday and midnight on Friday and Saturday unless requested a head of time and absolutely no men can spend the night or be in my room (weird because this was never an issue).

My dad stayed quiet the entire time, but I could tell that he was bothered, I said that wouldn’t work because I spent money on gas to drive my bro everywhere and I don’t want it to be a rule of tenancy to be my brother’s chauffeur. That’s when my dad blew up and called me selfish and he is just trying to teach me responsibility, accountability and that me harping over giving them money just shows that I am not part of the family and want to be an outsider because I should want to help. I argued that me paying over 500 a month in bills, gas driving around my brother, and chores should be enough to show how unselfish I am, but if its necessary for him to receive payment from me then I will pay the $500 and none of the bills and I will gladly drive my brother around.

My mom argued that 750 was reasonable, and I said no its not if you still want me to live here like a teenager, dad said 500 so that 500 should cover everything. My dad stormed off and my mother said I am treating this like a business negotiation and that she is disappointed in me because my dad only said 500 because I was paying other bills and only wanting to pay 500 all included is a low blow, and renting is a waste of money and they would feel better if I moved out to a purchased home. Like what?! I am not ready for that level of commitment. It’s not the money but that is a major purchase and now I feel like the trust I had with them is fractured.

Before anyone asks idk if they are in financial distress, my mom is an MRI tech, and my dad is a pipe fitter. Also, if my parents where in financial distress I would help them 100%, I went to school here in the city, I have been saving 60% of my salary for the past 3.5 years and the other 40% was to my car that I paid off and my student loans (which I only have 25k left).

TLDR- dad wants me to pay 1k a month and keep responsibilities, it feels like its too much and I should move out. Torn if I am making a big deal of the $750 vs $500 and if this is a hill I want to die on.

COMMENTS

Valthar70 >I dont know where you live but just be sure to get the deets on what else would be required for that $1200/mo 1br apartment. Normally that doesn't include utilities, or not all of them, nor does it usually include internet. Or laundry. Do you have furniture? Pots, pans, plates, utensils, toiletries, tables, bedroom set, dining stuff? Ability to also buy groceries? > >Not as easy as you think to outfit an entire apartment and live there and think... It's just $1200 > >OOP >>Well I do have savings, I know its going to be more expensive but it wont be large enough to make me change my mind. >> >>Alone my light bill will be roughly 75-150 depending on the apartment, gas $40, groceries for myself I pay about 150 a week because I meal prep, internet 50 dollars, water/sewage depending on the apartment. >> >>I have enough saved to fully furnish an apartment, will it suck yes but I have the money to do it and I know its more than 1k a month that they are offering.

CaityR1986 >I would just cut the cord and move out. It will cost a bit more than what your parents want Joh to pay then but the freedom from their rules and having to be your brother’s driver is worth every penny extra than you will be paying. It might even cut closer to even when you factor in all the gas savings you will have not having to drive your brother everywhere > >OOP >>omg this week alone I drove him around over 500 miles, I know this because I had to fill up my gas tank twice this week. School x 2, taekwondo 3x a week, swimming, then the basketball games, football games, now he wants to do swimming in the summer and work as a life guard, on top of that he takes music lessons 2x a week. his weekly in person DND night, taking him to the stores, dropping him off at the movies, mall, whatever. I love the kid but I cant wait until he gets his own license. From 4-7 its just me driving him around at least 3-4x a week. >> >> >>InsertCleverName652 >>>500 miles??? That's insane. >>> >>>OOP >>>>It probably wasnt 500 miles but I did have to fill up my tank twice this week. I have a mazda 3 so the stopping and going the mileage is less. Our neighborhood was rezoned, so my brothers school which used to be half a mile away is now 2 miles away, and his taekwondo is a mile from our house so just on that day its 4 miles to drop and pick up and 6 miles for the extras. I would have to look at all the other stuff he has but it was 40-50 bucks to fill up. I just remember thinking damn thats a lot lol.

MermaidxGlitz >are you not allowed to come and go as you please now? I’d move out simply for the freedom > >OOP >>I leave as I please but its a full lecture when I return, god forbid I have brunch with the girls, or come home past midnight. I didnt mind at first because its their house their rules but now it feels more confined with their requests

Unleashd99 >$1k a month is not terrible amount of money but you make a very valid point. For just a few dollars more you get your independence. Which at 23 makes a ton of sense. Maybe instead of focusing on the details of what they are asking from you, you could ask your father, “Why now? What happened that made you suddenly think I needed to pay an extra $500 more?” > >That question might help you both to be less defensive about the specific details of the topic and find a more fruitful answer. Because you are right to request more independence as a woman at 23. And maybe he has a good reason for what he is suddenly demanding too and we just haven’t heard it yet. Or maybe he just really wants you out of the house. You won’t know unless you ask. It seems unlikely that it could make things worse by asking. > >OOP >>I tried asking and he wont answer, he is pretty stubborn and when he thinks he is being challenged or undermined he shuts down and gives you the cold shoulder and my mom has to mediate. I heard them on the phone talking about me because he went for a drive and he said I was stubborn. Maybe I am stubborn, maybe if they would have had a talk with me about it I wouldnt be so defensive. But he is a blue collar man and he speaks like he is barking orders and once you say no or dont agree with the tone he will double down and it becomes a screaming match.

OOP to a long thread >No men have ever stepped in my room, now what I do outside of my house is my business thats the unspoken rule. > >Honestly 750 isnt horrible, but when he started it as a demand and said I didnt do enough without explanation and me not backing down it escalated. My parents are not rich they ok. My dad is 49 and my mom is 48 and my brother is 15 about to be 16.

Electrical_Ad_947 (downvoted) >Who paid for you to go to university? > >OOP >>scholarships, loans and working through school. They would help if I was in need for like gas, food, and the occasional books or extras. Scholarships paid 70% of school.

Update - next day

^(May 02, 2026)

Update: My parents are just ridiculous and I am going to look for apartments this weekend

So its 545 right now and my Dad is getting the full exposure of driving around my brother and my Mom and I had a conversation as to what happened which solidified that living here will just end up to us having a horrible relationship.

My dad as previously mentioned is a pipe fitter in the union, sometimes he has to travel for work but not all the time and he works long hours so he doesn’t see everything that happens. Now to the update.

3 years ago when I went from intern to full time I was making 62k a year as entry level and that was generous because they already knew my work. Well last year a position opened up and I was offered the position now making 82k a year and quarterly bonuses up to 10%, I have never received the full 10% because I didn’t see the value of working 60 hours for an extra paycheck a month. Last week my dad was home more than usual and just saw me holed up in my room “doing nothing just staring at a computer and watching netflix” well I had a grey’s anatomy running in the background but I always shut it off when I am in meetings and its just comforting to hear other voices in the house when you are alone all the time. When I left for my brother my dad walked in my room and saw my W2 and that my gross last year was 78k (promotion money included) and he asked my mom how much am I contributing to the house and she said well she doesn’t give any money. Well that was enough for him to say I wasn’t contributing, no follow up questions. He also forgot that I was paying the utilities – why? Because my mom handles all the bills.

When he told me I had to pay because I am not contributing enough he thought I was just picking up my brother, doing chores and cooking twice a week for dinner. So when I pushed back saying I pay bills, pick up my brother, drive him around 3-4x a week between 4-7, give him money when he is short for food and take him out to eat during the outings, plus everything else, he got flustered and thought I was exaggerating and doubled down. The silent treatment for the whole week he was asking my mom and brother to “validate” and when they did he got even more mad that he didn’t know all this because its obviously my fault for not ANNOUCING it to the world.

During the 1st conversation of the 750 and driving my brother around was my mom being selfish because she knew it would fall on her and teaching him to drive! But I explained he knows how to drive, he went to driving school and has a learners permit so when he is with me I do let him drive to get comfortable. She didn’t realize that he completed his courses which again is weird to me because SHE literally signed him up!

Even with all this my dad biggest issue is that I no longer need them which is not true, you always need your parents. But after this back and forth and reading a lot of the comments, and me saying my dad has quirks or shuts down I just come to realize he and I trigger each other so much. He and I will get into a screaming match because he refuses to admit he is wrong and I refuse to let him walk all over me, but I know how to apologize as well HE DOESN’T, he will just pretend like it didn’t happen.

This is just not going to work out. She finally agreed to it and will speak to my dad because it will just continue to escalate. I did offer for them to come and walk some apartments with me so they feel involved and my mom said yes but she will see what my dad will say because he doesn’t want me to move out and is really upset that I wont back down from that. But I honestly don’t see us coming back from what happened this past week and today, I know it will just escalate – I haven’t even addressed why he was in my room and looking through my stuff to see my W2’s.

Right now my dad is getting frustrated driving around to just wait on my brother and then drive again in high traffic times, which has been my life for 3 years. The only difference is that when I took that role/responsibility my brother was only 13 years old so he didn’t have a lot of extra circulars. My mom knew but she was happy with the arrangement because she didn’t have to deal with it. She also apologized for her role in saying that I am trying to negotiate because she understands that I do a lot for my brother and that will fall on them at least until he gets his license. Once I move out depending on where I move I wouldn’t mind helping out and driving him around maybe once or twice a week because I do enjoy spending time with him and so do my friends. Once a week after once of his extras we go to Chili’s and eat and hang out with my friends and I know I would miss him too much if I just stop being around him. There are so many times we just sit in the car eat and laugh or gossip. But hopefully we find something this weekend and I can move within the next month.

Hopefully my dad and I will be on speaking terms by the time I move out. I am going to step away and go get dinner with my friends and just get it off my mind.

COMMENTS

OOP to a long thread >ugh yes we are Mexican American. My mom's family is from Texas before it was Texas and my dad is 1st generation.

Informal_Meeting_577 >Serious question, if you've been living at home, and getting paid 60k then 85k, why not just buy a home? Should you not have significant savings at this point? > >OOP >>There are few reasons not to buy a house right now. Yes I have savings but the savings will be a full down payment and leave me with little money to cover 6 months. I bought a car because I needed that and paying my student loans so this past year it has been saving and student loans. In houston if I want to buy a decent home in a decent area the avg is 300k plus unless I look at town homes etc. I did look once I received a pay increase to see what I would need and it would be somewhere between 55k-65k for 20% down because I dont want PMI.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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u/BigONerd — 8 days ago

▲ 1.8k r/BORUpdates

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/After_Mail4652

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: April 30, 2026
Final Update: May 01, 2026

Main Post

^(April 30, 2026)

I left my marriage for 8 months, had the time of my life and then went back. Biggest mistake ever.

I'm 30F, husband is 34M. we dated for 3 years before getting married. his parents live with us from the beginning.

Last year I hit a wall. The entire household runs on me. cooking, cleaning, managing everything for everyone including two fully grown adults who are perfectly capable of doing things themselves. It was exhausting with a MIL who's dominating and controlling.

I just left one day. Packed my stuff and walked out. Yes, there was a dramatic fight. I was just done.

And those 8 months were honestly the best months of my entire adult life. I slept properly for the first time in years. I travelled, small trips but they were completely mine. I cooked for myself, watched every show I had been putting off, met new people who just knew me as me. no in laws, no household to manage, no one needing things from me constantly. I was myself again. lighter, happier, more relaxed. I remember thinking wow I actually really like this person. When did I stop being her.

and then he came back.

calls every day, long messages, showing up, saying everything I had spent years wanting to hear. I miss you, I've changed, it'll be so different this time, please just come back. And I went back. because I'm human and because years of love doesn't just switch off even when part of you wishes it would.

Within weeks it was like those 8 months never happened. same house, same in laws, same cooking and cleaning and managing everything for everyone while nobody notices or says thank you. Same husband who says nothing when his mom oversteps. I'm not a wife here. I'm just the unpaid help.

the worst part is I think I already knew. I knew deep down that nothing had actually changed. I went back anyway because I wanted so badly to believe it would be different this time.

I'm 30, no kids, one year into this marriage. I know what the obvious answer probably is. but I want to hear from people who have actually been through something like this. Did anyone go back and have it actually work out. And if you left for good how did you finally find the courage to do it when everyone around you acts like you should just be grateful you have a marriage to come back to.

Be honest with me please. I can handle it. Sould I stick around here or move out again? (my husband refuses to move out with me..he says he wants to live with his parents always)

COMMENTS

WesternTimothy >You and your husband are not compatible. I can see why he wants you there, he's getting a sweet deal. I can't see how you are benefiting from his desired living situation at all. Cut your losses and move on permanently this time. Before you have kids. Let him take care of himself and his parents. Sadly, love is not enough. > >OOP >>May be I realised this too late that "love is not enough". because i went back for love. I stayed for love. I swallowed so many things for love.. And love hasn't changed a single thing about my daily reality. I still wake up every morning to a household that runs on me and a husband who thinks that's just how it should be. >> >>maybe we just want completely different things from a marriage and no amount of talking or trying or going back and forth is going to change that. He wants a traditional household and I want a partner. those two things just don't live in the same house.

M-Bug >People are rarely able to fundamentally change. And if it's the exact same thing even after you went away and then came back, there's no hope for this too change in the future. You'd be better off making a clean break and walk away from this. > >OOP >>I didn't come back to a different marriage. I came back to the same one with 8 months of distance between me and the reality of it.. and that distance made it feel new for about five minutes. And then it was just exactly what it always was. Same house, Same dynamic, same invisible feeling. Nothing changed because nothing was ever going to change

mdmaxOG >You already know the answer….move on and be happy, he’s not willing to change for you. > >OOP >>I know. I really do know. I just needed to say it all out loud somewhere before i could fully accept it. it's just really different knowing something in your head versus actually being ready to do something about it. My head has known for months. My heart is still catching up. It took me a lot of courage to leave the last time and of course I was shattered because of what happened.. but at least I was able to breathe then.. I feel like caged now. :( >> >>LetNeither6377 >>>And you lived just fine financially on your own?? Fantastic! Live your best life! >>> >>>OOP >>>>I am financially independent :) just so y'all know there had been pressure on me from my in laws (specially my MIL) to quit working and focus on taking care of home & planning a baby. I was adamant on not quitting and this was also one of the major reasons of fights at home before I left. I was able to survive those months only because I had my job.

DiscussionPleasant88 >If you have a baby, you will FOREVER be locked into the family, and that baby will then be raised to believe that YOUR LIFE is the NORM and if it is a girl that is HER FUTURE. Would you want that for her? Would you want your child to have its mother be a SHELL? YOU KNOW YOUR ANSWER. Your husband has given you your answer. Its sad and frustrating. I have left before. With a child. And had to start with nothing, and made a life. Being able to sleep and being able to laugh and not feeling the weight of everything but our lives means a lot. YOU GOT THIS! As you have said you already know your answer. Go for it. You have nothing to lose....EXCEPT YOURSELF. CHOOSE YOURSELF. Just sayin' > >OOP >>I'm already exhausted now with just the two of us and his parents. add a baby and i wouldn't have the energy to think straight let alone plan a way out. I think that's honestly what everyone in that house is counting on. That eventually I'll be too tired to want anything for myself anymore. I refuse to let that happen. >> >>Child? NO! Quitting my job? NO! that's the clearest no I've felt about anything in a really long time. >> >>I have always heard that women are so strong. Now I see/feel why they say so. Women are. >> >>"Empowered women empower women." Truly seeing this here. Thank you to each and every strong women reading this here. I need that strength from each one of you. >> >>To the amazing men here supporting me: thank you for breaking the pattern and making me believe that "not all men are the same" :')

Shoddy-Minute5960 >Is your birth control tamper proof? This is the point he makes you stick around by getting you pregnant. > >OOP >>Yes. I am safe! I have never wanted a child in this marriage. Not just because i don't feel ready or because the marriage is unhappy. But because somewhere deep down i think i always knew that a baby here would mean no way out. ever. I'd be tied to this house, this family, this dynamic forever. And i think my gut has been protecting me from that (and not quitting my job despite tremendous pressure) even when my heart was busy going back and giving second chances.

Final update - next day

^(May 01, 2026)

I left my marriage for 8 months, had the time of my life and then went back. Biggest mistake ever. (Update)

Want to start with: thank you with my whole heart to everyone supported me yesterday. Thousands of kind strangers telling me I deserved better, to choose myself, to get out before it was too late. I read every single comment and cried through most of them. This was a life changing post for me.

Update: I showed my husband the post and all your comments. He read everything. We talked all night. Now I don't know what to think. Need advice again.

I handed him my phone and I watched his face as he read. The post, the comments, all of it. He was quiet for a really long time.

And then he looked at me and said I had no idea it had gotten this bad. We talked all night. Properly talked. The kind of talking we hadn't done in years.

He apologised for never checking on me during those 8 months. Said he was too angry and too hurt and he let that stop him from asking if I was okay. He said he should have spoken up for me more against his family. That he watched things happen and stayed quiet when he should have said something. He admitted that.

and then he made some promises.

On the baby front he said he finally understands why I've been so resistant. He said take as much time as you need, let's revisit it in two years when things feel more stable, and if anyone in the family pressures me before then he'll handle it. No more pressure, no more comments, no more pointed questions at family gatherings. He said when and if we have a baby it'll be when I'm genuinely ready. Not a day before.

on the work front he said nobody will ever make me quit my job and if anyone tries he'll shut it down. But then in the same breath he said that when it comes to choosing between work and family I'll need to choose his family. (his example was if his mom isn't feeling well I'd need to stay home and take care of her. Not go to work. family first in those situations.)

And on the living situation he was honest. More honest than I expected. He said he will never move out from his parents. They are everything to him and that is never going to change. But he said he'll make the environment at home better. easier. less suffocating. He acknowledged that the cooking and the household falls on me and said he'd try to make it more manageable. But also said his mom is aging and the men in his family don't cook so the cooking will still be mine to handle.

And now I don't know what to feel.

part of me is really moved that he read everything, that he sat with it, that he apologised and didn't get defensive. I know that's not nothing. But another part of me is sitting here quietly going through each promise and feeling something complicated.

The baby thing feels genuine. but two years is still a timeline someone else is setting for my body.

The work thing sounds supportive until you get to the part where his mom's health will always outrank my job. What happens when that becomes a regular thing. what happens when every other week there's a reason I need to stay home.

and the living situation. he said it so simply. My parents are everything to me and I will never leave them. and I believe him. I really do. But what does that mean for me. what does it mean for us. cooking before work and after work every single day for a household that will never shrink.

He said he'll make it a better environment. but what does that actually look like. better how. easier how. the same house, the same people, just with a slightly softer atmosphere?

I just want y'all to help me see this clearly. Thanks a million times again.

Edit: I know he's going to involve his mom in this today and tell her what I'm up to. But I know what I've to do now. I do not want this life. I left last time abruptly, in anger, hurt, and to come back. This time a stronger woman will be sitting in front of them, talking calmly, and making very clear that SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS FAMILY ANYMORE and wants MOVE ON. I'm so grateful that I had this conversation with him yesterday. Never felt so firm before this.

COMMENTS

Ok-Initiative-8151 >Girl get out , said with love It's all promises and manipulation but you see through that. > >You were strong enough to leave once, choose yourself and life can be as incredible as you let it > >OOP >>Now i'm feeling glad I had that conversation with him. As hard as it was, it actually made things a lot clearer for me. >> >>When I got married, I really did believe it would be for life. I think most of us go into it hoping we’ll make it work no matter what. And I didn’t want to walk away wondering if I gave up too soon or didn’t try enough. >> >>But hearing him say everything so clearly.. what he can change and what he won’t..it kind of removed the confusion for me. In a strange way, it’s helped me feel more firm about the decision I’m leaning towards.

Tamurkhan7 >He is literally telling you nothing will change and you are not his first priority > >Just because he read it doesn't mean anything > >OOP >>It took away a lot of confusion for me and happy y'all think so too. He didn’t sugarcoat things and in a way, that’s helped me see the situation more realistically instead of emotionally. >> >>KittonRouge >>>If you walking out for 8 months didn't change him I don't see how reading the opinions of Internet strangers did. >>> >>>You now know for sure that you'll be living with his parents for the rest of their lives. And if your MIL oversteps now just wait until you get pregnant. >>> >>>We're still rooting for you. Get out now while you are young enough to start over. >>> >>>*OOP >>>>I know all of it gets multiplied the second there's a baby in this house. i won't be the help anymore. i'll be invisible. completely absorbed into the function of this family with no identity left that's just mine. and he'll still be the good son standing in the middle making sure nobody's feelings get hurt except mine. >>>> >>>>I just can't imagine this future for me

lun4d0r4 >So all he has done is apologise and give some pretty words about how NOTHING WILL CHANGE UNDAMENTALLY, but he will SPEAK to his parents if OP feels bad and raises it. > >What a worthless man to anybody not his parents. > >I would absolutely the fuck not be procreating with that piece of shit. He can go hire a bangmaid and at least she will know the terms of the agreement. > >OOP >>the conversation didn’t give me hope.. it gave me clarity!! >> >>Hearing him be so direct about things actually helped me let go of a lot of doubts I was holding onto. That has made me feel stronger about what I need to do next. There are not "what ifs" now.

Mobile_Ad_5561 >I read this post. The part about never leaving his mother, you needing to cook and not work if his mother is sick is just horrible. Run don’t walk. > >OOP >>I know it sounds strange but that conversation actually gave me a sense of relief. Hearing his conditions so clearly… those were the biggest red flags for me. And seeing so many people here point out the same things just confirmed what I was already feeling. >> >>I feel like I can finally move on peacefully now.. and yeah… I’ll probably run faster than ever. :))

straygamefan >Sweetie, he wants a cook/maid/nurse for his parents and that’s a nonnegotiable for him. He’s not even considering hiring a cleaning or maid service even when you are struggling. Some women are satisfied with that. If that’s not what you want, it’s time to leave. None of that will change and it will get worse as his parents age and childcare rears its ugly head. It’s going to be more and more work. > >OOP >>Regarding the maid service, I did try to talk to my MIL about this in the initial few months of marriage. She said we do not need it. We're only 4 poeple at home and we all can manage it. Maid service will be expensive for us. I told that to my husband and he said "whatever mom says goes". I was literally out of words that day. This was the first red flag I saw after marriage.

TigerLilly_Tink43 >He refuses to compromise or step up. What do you mean "men in my family don't cook"? That's ridiculous. Learn to cook. You're a grown ass adult who's capable of learning new things. Start cooking and cleaning. Also, why would you leave YOUR job to take care of HIS mom? He should leave his job to take care of his mom. She's HIS mom. Christ on a stick. > >You were happier single. Go be single. This dude sucks. Well he might be a lovely person, but he's refusing to make minimal changes to benefit you despite the threat of losing you. So just leave. > >OOP >>he has two working legs and two working hands and a perfectly functional kitchen that he has apparently never been required to use in his entire life. these are fully functioning human beings who managed to exist on this planet before i showed up.somehow the moment i entered this house all of that capability just evaporated. because why develop basic life skills when there's a woman who'll just do it. i'm not a wife. i'm a convenience. >> >>I can't imagine how pathetic this whole mindset has started to feel. it's suffocating. Living here with each day has started to feel struggle now.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 9 days ago

▲ 182 r/BORUpdates

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Born_Safe9896

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: April 23, 2026
Final Update: April 25, 2026

Main Post

^(April 23, 2026)

AITAH for asking my husband why he was letting a new neighbor believe our nanny was his wife?

I (28f) gave birth to my husband's (28m) baby in January. We have a nanny (36f). We live in a nice suburban community. A new neighbor (f) moved in. She seems friendly and she seemed like she just wanted to get to know everyone.

Last Saturday, the new neighbor rang out doorbell. She did the reverse of the community bringing things to the new neighbor. She was bringing things to her closed neighbors, and this was our turn. My husband answered the door and our nanny was in the neighbor's view.

I don't blame the neighbor one bit for her confusion. A white man with a wedding ring, and a Japanese woman with a wedding who is holding a half-wife half-Japanese baby. What else was the neighbor supposed to think?

She introduced herself, and was talking about how my husband and our nanny look like such a cute couple. They have such an adorable baby. The nanny wasn't saying anything. My husband said thank you.

I came up in the neighbor's view and announced that I was the wife. I explained that this is our nanny. The neighbor looked embarrassed and she apologized. I told her she had nothing to apologize for.

Later, I asked my husband why he was letting the neighbor believe our nanny was his wife. He said that it's an unfair question and that he was obviously flustered. I told him it's the easiest thing to just say, this is our nanny and my wife is in the kitchen. He said I'm making too much of this. I said maybe he wants people to think he's married to someone who looks like our nanny. He started saying that my body had bounced back and that I was looking good.

It reduced my annoyance for a few seconds but then I told him he needs to give me a good explanation of why he couldn't just say she's the nanny. My husband said he can't talk to me when I'm like this.

Who is wrong? Am I the asshole?

COMMENTS

Top_Turnip_4737 >Honestly I think you’re over thinking it. Assuming your husband doesn’t have sketchy past behavior. He may have genuinely been confused and flustered at the moment. > >I’m assuming he’s on very little sleep as you have a newborn. > >OOP >>Being a new dad is a new adjustment for him. >> >>But, and I hope this doesn't make us sound like lazy parents. >> >>My husband and I get enough sleep.

MaeLee1990 >I can understand where both sides are coming from. I however would feel some type of way about it as well though. Maybe keep an eye on them because honestly the nanny could have said oh no I am the nanny because that is for sure what I would have done. It does seem like an awkward situation and moment so maybe it is nothing. Just listen to your gut and keep an eye on things. If something weird happens like that again then maybe get an old nanny or do without a nanny. > >OOP >>Our nanny is someone who grew up with my cousin. That's one of the reasons why I hired this hot woman as our nanny. >> >>I also didn't think I would need to watch my husband.

heyitstism >“Gave birth to my husbands baby” > >Words of an irrationally angry mama. > >OOP >>I was raised in Japan and English is my 2nd language. >> >>Does that phrase have a hidden meaning in America?

Kat092620 >INFO: do you think anything is going on? Does the nanny live in your home? Has he validated your feelings any? > >OOP >>She lives with us. >> >>My husband has called me beautiful.

angelacandystore >"your body bounced back and you look good" > >What the hell? Not "honey I love you" > >NTA your husband is weird > >OOP >>I think he didn't want me to compare my body negatively against our nanny's body. >> >>Well, our nanny and me have a very similar body type. >> >>nerd_is_a_verb >>>What did you mean by this then if you have the same body type? Clearly you do have some insecurities about the nanny’s appearance being compared to yours. >>> >>>“I said maybe he wants people to think he's married to someone who looks like our nanny.” >>> >>>I don’t think you’re being crazy or anything, and your husband is handling this very poorly, but I really don’t think it’s that deep. >>> >>>OOP >>>>Our body types are similar. We're both thin and tall. Hourglass. >>>> >>>>We also have the same hair color and eye color. We're both Japanese. >>>> >>>>But I have stretch marks now. I have acne. >>>> >>>>Maybe I'm projecting because I still our nanny looks prettier than me.

EuropeanLady >NTA Both you and the nanny are Japanese? The neighbor's confusion's understandable but your husband should've immediately said, "No, this is our nanny, my wife's in the kitchen". > >OOP >>Yes both me and the nanny are Japanese. In fact, the nanny grew up just miles from me.

EuropeanLady >It's great that you can afford a live-in nanny. For most people here in the U.S., either one parent stays home with the child, or the child's enrolled in day care. > >OOP >>My husband and I live in California. We're so lucky especially here.

Final update - after 2 days

^(April 25, 2026)

Update - AITAH for asking my husband why he was letting a new neighbor believe our nanny was his wife?

I had listened about what people had to say about how confrontational I was. So I (28f) had calmly asked my husband (28m) why he had allowed a neighbor (f) to think our nanny (36f) was his wife.

He promises he was caught off guard and he panicked internally. He said the neighbor was so nice and friendly he didn't want her to feel embarrassed. He then said he also didn't want us to get judged.

I asked judged about what. He said since our nanny was sweaty and looking domestic while we were dressed-up and going to head out later. He said the optics made us look like bad parents. I asked why is he so worried about the optics all of the sudden. I asked if people have been criticizing us.

He nobody said anything directly, and there is other indirect stuff. He mentioned how he has gotten mild teasing at work. That our nanny and I look so much alike and have the same dialect. That people have been saying the nanny is like a 2nd wife to him. And that people who don't know us that well is judgmental about how the nanny looks.

I mentioned that in our city, people would be judging us if I was a stay-at-home mom while you were the sole provider. I said other things to that but I can't remember what I said. He asks if I think he's a bad father and/or bad husband. I said no and told him to not let nonsense get in his head.

Not sure what else to add so you can ask questions in the comments if you want to know more.

COMMENTS

MyDirtyAlt79 >I'm lost as to why he thought saying the woman who looked like she'd been tending house and child all day was his wife when he was dressed to go out with another woman(you) would be a good thing. > >"Yeah my wife is over there, don't mind us, me and the nanny are going out for the evening." > >Someone make that make sense. > >OOP >>He didn't say she was his wife. The neighbor was complimenting them about being such a cute couple with an adorable baby. My husband said thank you.

Chris8292 >>. I said no and told him to not let nonsense get in his head. > >Isn't this entire situation based around you letting your own insecurities blow up a fairly minor incident? > >OOP >>You're right.

Leevamark >When I read your original post just now, I definitely considered that he might've been embarrassed abt being judged for having a Nanny. Might've felt it sounds pretentious. I also immediately thought he just felt awkward and didn't get a chance to decide how to handle it before you appeared and handled it for him. His head was swimming with thoughts, I'm sure, and he hadn't worked them out yet. > >His explanation rings true to me, for whatever that's worth. > >I wouldn't be too concerned abt whether this has deeper meaning regarding your Husband. These just seem like the awkward things attached to having a Nanny. Hos co-workers judging him & making ridiculous jokes... ppl not assuming immediately that she's the Nanny- etc. > >Kiss that man and forgive him. But maybe you need to have a marriage-check-up discussion and make sure you're both still totally OK with having a Nanny, and abt how it's going and how to handle the awkward things attached. > >OOP >>Thank you and I do feel better after hearing his explanation.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 9 days ago

▲ 2.1k r/BORUpdates

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Sad-Supermarket-3878

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: April 24, 2026
Update: April 25, 2026
Final Update: April 26, 2026

Main Post

^(April 24, 2026)

My M31 pregnant wife's F29 friend privately made a very suggestive comments towards me me this evening. How do I address this with my wife the right way?

This evening, I went out with my wife, two of her friends, and one of our couple friends for dinner. My wife is almost 5 months pregnant with our twin daughters. I am insanely happy in our marriage, and I absolutely adore her with all of my heart.

I'm aware of the fact that she has a group chat with some of her close friends where they maybe share some intimate things in our marriage. She's made jokes about things some of her friends have said.

One of her older friends in particular has made jokes, and has been maybe a little overly playful about me, and I've kind of noticed she wasn't always joking. I caught a bad vibe from her the times I've met her, and she would ask me super candid questions that were maybe not appropriate to ask a friend's spouse. When I told my wife about things, she said she thought she was just "joking" and thought it was funny. But I was 99% sure she wasn't.

Anyways, at dinner tonight, my wife and the other friend left to go to the bathroom before the food arrived, and the other couple was at the far end of the table and she was sitting next to me on my right on the opposite end.

As soon as they walked away, she touched my arm and said something along the lines of "Hey... I know you and (my wife's name) really have a lot going on right now and that it's a lot. If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm always here and I'll always keep it between us".

It wasn't what she said, but the way she said it, and it was very clear what she meant. I work in sales leadership, and read people for a living, and there was no misunderstanding about what she meant and she's made several comments towards me before and after I very directly dismissed it, she implied very suggestively that it was a "standing offer". That's when I was very certain she meant something very different.

The point is, I want to address this with my wife. I want to do it the right way. I know she won't be upset with me, but my biggest concern is that she will be dismissive at first and think it wasn't legitimate. She's also only been in the US for about 4 years and moved here from Sweden, and this girl is one of her first friends she has made, and she has struggled to make friends a little bit.

I just want to be straight up without hurting her too much. How do I handle this conversation the right way?

COMMENTS

Prestigious-Ad1346 >How do you respond to this swedish lady that make her think talking to you this way is ok? > >And just tell your wife everythiing. That's what I would want, I mean I tell my boyfriend EVERYTHING. A guy flirted wit me? "Omg honey today this guy flirted with me!" blah blah why would you keep it. Just say something > >OOP >>I've been very candid about this person, and actually told her I had a bad vibe but she really likes her as a friend and dismissed it. So, I basically have to tell her that one of her friends she trusted is really not her friend and that is very tough. >> >>Clearly not going to be "I told you so" about it, but I know itll hurt her that one of her friends wasnt a great friend to her where she made a blatant pass towards me the second she had the chance she walked away. >> >>To me, she's not just disrespecting my wife, but my two daughters. I wanted to call her out in front of everyone, but I also don't want to hurt my wife and stress her out over something where she just needs to distance herself from her.

Used_Set7855 >How are you responding to these advances? It seems like you aren’t directly rejecting them and that may be necessary. Her behavior isn’t appropriate. I’d set boundaries for yourself > >OOP >>I made that candidly clear. I told her that "my girls" and I are phenomenal, but thanks from your concern... and she got it. In retrospect I should've said more.

bad-at-science >It probably says a lot about my life that I would have completely failed to see this as a come-on and assumed it was some kind of sincere offer of help, if misplaced. > >OOP >>It was very much the context of how it was said. This would be a wholesome thing to say from other women I know like my best friend's wife. if she said that to me and said we could sit and talk privately I wouldn't think a thing of it. But the way she said it was very specific, and even though she has known my wife for awhile, I almost barely know her and I know of several comments she has made about me in their group chat.

LadyWiezeI >You just sit her down and tell her an incident occured that made you feel very uncomfortable and you want her in the picture to decide together how to handle it and the person involved from here on. Just be honest to her, she will appreciate you came out with it right away. > >OOP >>I appreciate it. My big concern is that she is going to be really upset and bothered because she will feel betrayed by a friend and have to distance from someone close to her. >> >>But obviously, this isn't something I am going to pretend didn't happen, because it did bother me and I honestly want her to never see her again. I just want to handle it lightly. I know she won't be upset with me, but I also know it hurts to lose a friend. >> >>Doc-007 >>>She is going to have to distance from a very toxic person. This woman is attempting to betray your wife in the absolute worst way a friend can betray you. This woman is most definitely a harmful person to have in her life. Yes it will hurt, but this is inevitable and the longer it goes on the more damage she can do. >>> >>>OOP >>>>She is. And it's going to be a tough conversation tomorrow. I'm more worried about the influence this person has on her and her friends than I am the fact she made a pass at me. If she is willing to make a pass at me, she's 100% willing to do it to one of her other friend's SO's too.

Falcon_Alpha_Delta >Are you certain your wife isn’t putting her friend up to this? Some insecure women, especially when pregnant, have their friends test their partners. You could try sharing an intimate detail in confidence with the friend that is completely non sexual and see if it gets back to your wife. I’d do with a hemorrhoids flare up > >OOP >>110% certain. My wife is a very direct and candid communicator. She doesn't play games. It's one of the many things I love about her. This particular friend, I've already had suspicions about being kind of the homewrecker type, and her dating history would reflect that and that pass this evening more or less solidified everything I assumed about her.

Update - next day

^(April 25, 2026)

4/25 Update

I sat down and talked to my wife about it this morning, and just told her everything directly and straight up while offering her assurance. She has handled it very well, but I think she is still processing some stuff. She also admitted that one of her friends told her in confidence that she may have said some not nice things about her and made several comments about me in conversations with other friends so she was already kind of suspicious.

The other thing my wife picked up on that I actually didn't, is that we were sitting in a large partitioned U-shaped outdoor cabana booth kind of thing that can probably fit 10-12 people easily. My wife was sitting to my left, and she sat directly to my right at the very end of the booth only next to me instead of sitting next to her or our other friends where there was a ton of open space. So she picked up on that.

We're working on how to handle it, but I think the best course of action is that I straight up message this girl, tell her I didn't appreciate that, and that I told my wife. She will have to figure out how to address that with her friend group, but she basically said she can fuck off haha. I'm proud of her for handling that in stride.

Final update - after 2 days (next day from last post)

^(April 26, 2026)

Update 2 4/26

I ended up messaging her on Instagram yesterday evening and basically told her she was an awful person and how disrespectful that was and straight up told her that my wife is aware. She has not responded but I know she saw it. My wife told a few people privately over the phone what happened, and it kind of came out that several of them did not like her, and were kind of off-put some of the things she has said and done, but they were nice to her because she was my wife and one of the other girls' friend. Several of them actually genuinely apologized to her (and me) for not saying anything because the didn't know she was actually serious about some of the things she said.

My wife has handled it super well, and I think it's a positive for her, because she now knows who her true friends are, and can surround herself with only positive influences and I think that's great. I hate that she has to deal with this, but sometimes we learn the most from tough situations.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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u/BigONerd — 10 days ago

▲ 3.4k r/BORUpdates

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/anonymouswifeaccount

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

Main Post: October 18, 2025
Update 1: May 01, 2026

Main Post

^(October 18, 2025)

My husband lied about getting laid off

I found out a week ago but I've only just calmed down enough to be able to talk about it. I'm not ready to share my dirty laundry in public yet but I need to tell somebody about it.

In May my husband lost his job. He said his entire division had been laid off because their jobs were outsourced. Then last week I happened to run into my husband's former colleague and his wife while I was out at the shops. From my conversation with his former colleague it came to light that my husband quit because the company mandated all employees to come into the office two or three days a week and my husband wanted to stay remote.

I was so humiliated because I expressed sympathy to his former colleague about the layoffs only to find out there wasn't any. When I confronted my husband he admitted it. He said he didn't think it would be a problem since I was already making more than him. I've been working as much overtime as I can get at the hospital to keep our heads above water. Come to find out my husband voluntarily left his job AND has only been applying for fully remote jobs instead of looking for any job he could get. He admitted all of it.

If his decision just affected him it it would be one thing. We have a six year old. I've been feeling guilt for months about being away from her so much because I've been working as many shifts in the A&E as I can get. My husband says he is sorry but something has broken between us and our marriage cannot be fixed. I spent months bottling my feelings about him not working and doing less chores because I thought he was depressed about losing his job.

He kept saying how guilty he felt about not working and I didn't want to add to it. I kept thinking as soon as he found another job everything would be fine. Meanwhile he's been having a holiday sitting at home while I ran myself ragged keeping us above water. I am moving out of our flat as soon as I can find another place for myself and my daughter. I don't care what my husband has to say. Every time he apologises it just makes me angrier. I'm don't want to tell anyone until I find somewhere else to live but I needed to get this out before my anger consumes me and I lose it in front of my daughter. I didn't even know it was possible to be this angry.

COMMENTS

Maurtyr >Don't question yourself. It IS intentional. He's an adult and he knows what he is doing. Give him a timeline. If he doesn't have a job in 30 days, tell him you want a divorce because he is NOT being a partner. He is leeching off of you and he doesn't have any shame about it. Get serious with him and put your foot down. You deserve better and if he can't be better for you and your child, then give him the same back. No more free rides. Love yourself first and don't drag yourself through hell just so he doesn't have to help out. > >OOP >>As I mentioned in my post my marriage is over. Even if he got a job tomorrow, and even if he made it so I wasn't the primary earner for the first time I would still leave him. There is nothing he can do to fix what he's done. >> >>Altruistic-Mess9632 >>>I recommend speaking with a lawyer IMMEDIATELY to learn your options. There’s no reason to leave the home and uproot your child. HE can leave. >>> >>>OOP >>>>I've already sought legal advice. Since both of our names are on our lease, I cannot legally kick him out or make him leave. He has just as much legal rights to our flat as I do.

Cute_Recognition_880 >Is he at least keeping the house clean or prepping meals? That might be a bit of help, but not bringing in any money. You've been working so much to keep body and soul together. > >You've gotten some great suggestions and advice. I don't have anything to add just want to send you the strength you need to get through and peace of mind. Take care of yourself. > >OOP >>As I mentioned in my post he's been doing less chores since he stopped working. I didn't say anything about him not talking care of things at home because I thought he lost his job through no fault of his own, was desperately looking for another job and was depressed about being laid off. I wanted to be an understanding wife and not add to his guilt.

OOP to a downvoted comment >>OP probably would've been fine with their potentially soon to be ex being honest and just saying "If I quit, can you tide us over if while get a job that values my time and effort"? > >No, I would not have been fine with my husband quitting his job without having been hired somewhere else first. There was absolutely no reason for my husband to quit his job without another one lined up. > >>Since, apparently they were able to support the family for months > >I ask this respectfully, but did you read my full post. I have been running myself ragged and working every extra shift I can get just to keep us above water. If I was only working the hours I did before my husband quit we wouldn't be able to pay our rent and other expenses. I am able to do this at the expense of my own sleep, mental health and time with my daughter. And even with all my efforts we are barely hanging on > >>stay-at-home dad > >I mentioned in my post that my husband has been doing less chores since he stopped working. This includes anything related to caring for our daughter. He didn't step up and take over things at home and with our daughter when he stopped working. I didn't say anything because I believed that he lost his job through no fault of his own, was depressed about it and was trying desperately to find any job he could. I was trying to be an understanding wife and he lied to me and watched me work myself to the bone for five months.

Update 1 - after 6.5 months

^(May 01, 2026)

UPDATE: My husband lied about getting laid off

I first posted just over six months ago. My update is not terribly long or exciting but there have been changes. I have moved out of our flat. Living separately and having some breathing space from my husband has helped with my anger towards him in the day to day. I am obviously still hurt and angry.

Originally my husband said he would not contest our divorce. Last week he changed his mind and he is contesting it now. We both had solicitors and were working towards an agreement regarding our finances and our six year old daughter. Now my husband has decided to contest the divorce.

My solicitor says it will not stop me from being able to get a divorce. Another piece of good news is that although my husband still doesn't have a job, my solicitor says I will most likely not have to pay him any spousal maintenance. Even though I was always the higher earner in our marriage the difference in our salaries was not enough to warrant it. And now that he had chosen not to work he cannot claim he needs my support. I may still have to pay him child maintenance depending on how much time he has with our daughter.

It still feels like I am barely keeping my head above water because I can't withdraw financial support yet. I can once the finances have been settled and my solicitor says the court will not look kindly on my husband if he tries to delay that. My main focus is my daughter and making sure this affects her as little as possible. That is my update. I appreciate anyone who commented with support after my first post.

COMMENTS

TabbyFoxHollow >Finally a post from a woman who said “fuck no” when realizing her partner was deadweight > >fausted >>Exactly. More of us women need to do the same in these types of relationships.

HumanEduucator >Contesting a divorce when you’re the one who blew up the marriage with a massive lie is the ultimate "if I’m going down, I’m taking you with me" move. He’s not doing it because he wants to stay married; he’s doing it to stay on your payroll for as long as possible. Glad your solicitor is confident about the spousal support—he made his bed by choosing not to work.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

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u/BigONerd — 10 days ago

▲ 1.3k r/BORUpdates

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/PearlWeddingIssue

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Trigger Warning: >!ableism, disability discrimination!<

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: March 25, 2026
Final Update: April 25, 2026

Main Post

^(March 25, 2026)

AITA for "Holding my Grandmothers Pearls Hostage" if my partner can't go to my Sisters wedding?

Using a throwaway as I don't want this on my main reddit.

I (37F) have been seeing my partner (38M) for four years. He was born with Achondroplasia and is a Little person. I come from a family who hold some ableist views, some views I internalised too when I was younger and I tried to move past as I got older. I am the first to say I wasn't perfect either. When I met my partner we started as friends and my family would often make comments when he wasn't around, when we started to date jokes were made about how I must be desperate and had "given up". My partner is a fantastic man, the best i've ever met. He's funny, charming, kind and so loving. I often tell people it's no different than a short girl dating a six foot tall guy so who cares.

My family and I clashed for two years over him, I fought with them constantly and ended up greatly limiting contact with most of my family if they couldn't accept him. He always tried to talk me out of this, that he could take it and they were just close minded idiots but I don't think he should have to put up with that.

The one i've kept in constant contact with is my sister (35F), she also had misgivings about my partner but once she got to know him she moved past it. She is getting married in June and the plan was for me to loan her our Grandmothers pearl necklace as she felt it would go with her dress greatly. It was left to me, she got our grandmothers sapphire ring.

She messaged me two nights ago to ask me if i'd not bring my partner to her wedding. She likes him but she knows it'd cause drama at her wedding and she doesn't want that tainting her day. I got upset at this and told her if he wasn't going I wasn't either, as he is my family. She asked me to just "suck it up" for the day and it was better to keep the peace. I lost my temper at this and made it clear to her she could invite us both, or neither. I also made it clear she wasn't getting the pearls if he wasn't coming. That she was a grown woman and she needed to stop caving into our family and put her foot down for her own views.

She accused me of holding the pearls hostage so I could get what I wanted which hurt me, as it seems she cares more about the pearls being there than me with that comment. I know it's her day and she doesn't want our family making comments but I don't see why my partner who has never been anything but kind to her should be the one to suffer. He is upset over this though telling me I might regret not going and he doesn't want that for me.

AITA over this? Should I just go, or give her the pearls for the day and not go?

COMMENTS

Tight-Decision-7918 >NTA. The pearls are a family heirloom that belongs to you. Loaning them is a gesture of closeness and support. If she is unwilling to support your relationship or stand up to the family's bigotry, she doesn't really get to reap the benefits of that closeness by wearing your jewelry. > >OOP >>Thank you, I just feel like loaning her the pearls while she is actively excluding my partner is wrong.

UteLawyer >You called them your grandmother's pearls, but they are yours. You're not "keeping the pearls hostage." You're using your own property as you see fit. If your sister is making you feel unwelcome at her wedding, you don't have to let her use your property. This isn't the only pearl necklace in the world. NTA. > >OOP >>they're mine you're right, it's just a bit of a holdover I think as they make me think of her, so in my mind they're "hers" even if they're mine now. >> >>Mobius_Stripping >>>and what would your grandmother think of your sister’s behavior toward your partner? >>> >>>anyway if she has a sapphire ring of your gran’s she’s already got her something old and something blue. if you lend the pearls i can almost guarantee you won’t get them back. >>> >>>OOP >>>>I honestly am not sure, I like to think that she would have liked him and been kind to him, but she died when I was 8. I have fond memories of her but that's not an age where i'd have been fully aware if she was ableist or not. I loved her but I cannot make that judgement as an adult. As for not getting the pearls back, honestly I don't want to say I could see that but I could see our parents trying to make her think I don't deserve them back.

swillshop >You not an AH, but I would not have framed it as 'no pearls unless he gets to come, too'. That does suggest you are holding the pearls as a carrot to get what you want. > >Instead, I think it should be more, > >"I do wish you had not chosen to punish the innocent person here to appease the intolerant, narrow-minded, and vocally rude relatives. But you did, and it hurts and disappoints me. I was wrong to suggest you could have the pearls if you invited him. You either invite him or you don't; that is your decision. It is my decision to share a family heirloom with the people I consider family. Right now, the only family I see is my partner. > >You are about to marry and commit yourself to your fiance. When you do, I hope you see that he has become your primary family and that standing up for/doing right by your spouse or partner is not something to gloss over to make other people happy."

Schizomid >NTA, people are so weird.. he treats you right and they have an issue with him over something he has no control over. I can't even imagine how he must feel > >OOP >>He absolutely hates it but he doesn't want me to lose contact with my family. Honestly if not for him convincing me to keep having contact with them I think i'd have gone no contact a long time ago rather than limited.

iDryft >NTA > >Last i checked they were your pearls now, and you can choose to loan them or not loan them out. If you end up not going to the wedding. Take a pic of your cat (god I hope you have a cat) wearing the pearls and upload it on your social media and say that "Feline Fine about your decision" > >OOP >>I don't have a cat sadly! i'm allergic. I could put it on a cat plushie I have from my partner when we started to date though.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final update - after a month

^(April 25, 2026)

Update: AITA for "Holding my Grandmothers Pearls Hostage" if my partner can't go to my Sisters wedding?

I thought i'd post an update on my situation which I covered in this post https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1s3iioc/aita_for_holding_my_grandmothers_pearls_hostage/ as so many of you were very nice about it and gave great advice. A few things of note have changed since my post. Firstly, I'm engaged! It was purely by accident honestly. I was cleaning out our room to prepare for new flooring we are getting installed and in the process of cleaning I found the ring. It led to a bit of a laugh between us and he was very flustered. Turns out he'd bought the ring in January but had been waiting for the right moment and wanted it to be romantic. But honestly? it may not be most peoples dream but being proposed to in our room while it is a mess and we are both laughing is a happy memory i'll have for the rest of my life.

I reached out to my sister and we met for coffee. I told her I was engaged and if she couldn't accept my future husband and wouldn't take a side in our families ableist views against him just because he was born with Achondroplasia and simply tried to sit on the fence then I couldn't come to her wedding at all as he is my family. She got very angry at me, accused me of getting engaged just to spite her and try to copy her, and asked me who I thought would even come to the wedding as i'd greatly limited contact with most of our family.

I didn't shout or get angry like I might have a few weeks ago, honestly I just felt kind of numb about the whole thing and told her my friends and his friends and family would be there and that was enough. I also told her i'd be wearing the pearls to my wedding and they were fully off the table to her now even if she apologised and invited him to her wedding. I told her I loved her and wanted her to be in my life and that if she ever saw sense she'd be welcome back in my life but till then it was best we didn't speak anymore. She told me if I didn't give her the pearls for her wedding she didn't want to speak to me at all and "hell would freeze over" before she apologised.

My Fiancé was sad for me that I felt the need to draw this line worrying it was his fault but I assured him it wasn't and if she ever pulled her head out of her arse we'd of course welcome her back. We have been discussing our planned wedding with friends and his family. One of my friends who is a petty bitch (I love her so much), suggested I have my wedding on the same day as my sister to spite her but I laughed that off as I wasn't about to go that low. Our wedding is going to be a simple thing held in his parents garden. We're using money we might have spent on a huge wedding as a deposit for a house instead as we think that's more important. We don't have a date yet but it's likely going to be spring 2027. Thank you everyone for your input. I'm sad of course, but it's for the best.

COMMENTS

ComprehensiveArm9751 >Firstly, and most importantly CONGRATULATIONS! This is a beautiful update and such a heartfelt engagement story. Your Soon to be husband sounds like a good man, but he is indeed truly blessed to have such a life partner. > >It’s not to be overlooked or taken for granted how having such a loving respectful and trustworthy spouse can truly make your life magical. I hope You have a wonderful wedding but may you days afterwards fill you with so much joy. > >I think you have a very generous heart allowing your sister space to come back into your life, but also holding firm. It’s can be very difficult but it amazing you have that space. > >People are never satisfied or happy, so why live by other people’s standards? > >OOP >>Thank you so much! I'm blessed to have him as my partner too, i've never been happier with anyone else in my entire life. >> >>I love my sister despite the hurt at how she wanted to brush him under the rug. We grew up together and it's impossible to just turn those emotions off, just the same way I love my family even if they've hurt me deeply with their hateful attitude. I grew beyond our families outlook, younger than her, but I grew so I hope oneday she can too. >> >>For now we are just living our lives and if they can't accept both of us then we don't need them around.

Bansidhe13 >NTA. Congrats to you both. Have your wedding the day before hers. > >OOP >>I think you and my friend would get along. However no, I don't want to make my choice of date just out of spite towards her while it's funny to imagine.

white_shadow1994 >Don't crack even when she does apologize eventually. Protect your family > >OOP >>Oh if she apologises down the line and means it i'll welcome her back into my life, she's still my little sister. But I will trust her far less even then.

RyeLye124 >NTA Congratulations! Your wedding will be beautiful and now, drama free. > >And I'm so glad to see someone having their priorities right on Reddit! Sticking up for your partner and not wasting all your money on a wedding. > >OOP >>Honestly we were thinking about just going doing to the registry office and getting married that way, we're happy no matter how we end up married and felt getting a House to grow old in together instead of renting was more important but we wanted our friends and his family to give their input. His parents have a lovely garden so offered it up and it just felt right.

Reebyd >I’m still wrapping my head around the idea that you “copied” her by getting engaged. Congrats to your sister and her partner for inventing the concept of marriage? Clearly weddings between two committed persons have never happened before. Maybe it will catch on and others will follow their example. 🙄 > >What a witch. > >Your engagement story is precious. What a beautiful memory! Wear the pearls with pride at your own wedding. Maybe also send her a text requesting to borrow your grandmother’s ring? Stir up some shit. > >OOP >>I honestly didn't get that at all, I suppose in her mind because I got engaged while this drama was going on I was copying her in getting married to make a point? as if that is reason enough to make a lifelong commitment, and never mind he bought the ring months ago. >> >>Oh my god the text idea of asking to borrow her ring made me choke, I have to send that to my friend she will love it. Thank you.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 18 days ago

▲ 827 r/BORUpdates

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/CricketCaller

Published on: r/AmIOverreacting

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

Main Post: April 20, 2026
Update 1: April 21, 2026

Main Post

^(April 20, 2026)

AIO if I divorced over him asking to open our relationship and then gaslighting me?

ATTACHED SCREENSHOTS HERE

SCREENSHOTS TRANSCRIPTION START

HUSBAND:

It's a conversation we have to have in general anyway

OOP:

Fine

HUSBAND:

General things to go over 
1: Bringing others around baby when, how to communicate 
2: dating others, how do we make that work?

OOP:

1: She's old enough to have people around for a bit longer 
but I personally still am going to need warnings before 
anybodys at the house. Today was too much.
2: We don't

HUSBAND:

Oh that's not what I meant
As for the first one, I didn't know they were coming yesterday either

OOP:

You led me on while know you liked somebody else.

HUSBAND:

No that's really not it

OOP:

It is

HUSBAND:

Ok ok
Let me
I LIKED her
It's been a while

OOP:

And yet you're still asking about dating her

HUSBAND:

I should have worded that better
That's not what I meant

OOP:

Come on

HUSBAND:

Let me explain myself

OOP:

Ok

HUSBAND:

Friend 1 told me that crush
asked me about it, and I gave a
"that's old, kinda was just
getting over ex" response
He asked relationship stuff, I
mentioned you, he asked how
you felt about it, and assumed
wernt dating for some reason
He's normally smarter than me,
and asks good questions, so he
gave me a few things to ask
you, I picked the ones I actually
wanted to know, and failed to
realize how he worded that

The correct thing would be

2: how do you feel about me
still being friends with
somebody I WANTED to date

OOP:

Oh don't bullshit me

HUSBAND:

Fully on me, I really should have
checked closer while typing

OOP:

How stupid do you think I am

There is no way to accidentally
type that

HUSBAND:

Have you never read a list and
just typed it without thinking? I
don't think your stupid, you
should know that

I'm used to reciting messages, I
saw a message, I resaid it
without rewording

OOP:

Nope

You didn't

I feel so insanely gaslit right
now name that isn't possible

Those are two completely
different concepts

Just admit you were testing the
waters to see if it was a possibility

I'd be much less upset about that

You don't ask about dating
others if it's not about dating others

HUSBAND:

It was a mix of both

I didn't know if you also wanted
to look elsewhere and it was a
good way to ask while also
having an out since Friend 1
also kinda asked!

OOP:

Why did you try and lie

HUSBAND:

Panic

I realized how bad that sounded
and lied out of habit to try and
fix it so you wouldn't leave

OOP:

I could tell. Don't do that

HUSBAND:

I didn't mean to

I was just typing things before I
even thought

I'm sorry

OOP:

I can't forgive you right now

HUSBAND:

I'Il work on it, you deserve
better than that

TRANSCRIPTION END

POST TEXT BELOW

Okay, so here’s some context since I don’t think the messages can fully stand alone.

My (27 F) husband (28 M) and I have only been married 6 months. We have a one month old baby girl. Today, two of our college friends came over unannounced to meet the baby. I was very frustrated by this and assumed he had invited them because he didn’t seem at all surprised for them to show up. I had a very difficult pregnancy and have been having a horrible time recovering, so I really just wanted to rest.

One of the two college friends is a woman my husband used(??) to have a crush on. This isn’t something we’ve really directly talked about, but it was just basic knowledge in our shared circles in college. They still keep in contact but I wasn’t aware it was high contact or even really still a “friendship.”

After they left, I was a bit grouchy and my husband could tell. He had to go to work later that night, and was texting me while on a short break. This is that conversation.

He asked me about “dating others” out of the blue. I’m accepting of polyamory and he does know that, but I have NEVER expressed any interest in that for myself.

Am I overreacting for considering a divorce here?

COMMENTS

LordMemerton1 >You aren’t the asshole - while this conversation should honestly be in a face to face situation so you can see and feel what’s really being said or lied about. Truthfully, he’s already made up his mind ages ago and wants something outside of your marriage. You can stay and accept the fact he talks and is willing to see others while your together , or the second thing would be him doing it behind your back anyways and this conversation is the beginning of the Pandora’s box. Once it’s open you can never go back. Good luck > >OOP >>I was really upset this wasn’t important enough to be discussed face to face too. It felt like another manipulation tactic but I may be overthinking it

Boy-412 >I'm sure there was no other red flags up until having the baby..... > >OOP >>Obviously no relationship is perfect but the pregnancy was accidental and I really wanted to be together and present parents for our daughter. Really felt like we were making it work until now.

Stinky_You >He sounds like not just an idiot, but also a PoS. What's the history here? Are you monogamous or not. Is there some unresolved cheating in either of your pasts? Idc but you should ask yourself. Personally, I'd bounce if my SO ever brought up trying to date "on the side" but I'm not poly, at all. > >OOP >>We’re monogamous. The only time you could ever consider us not is that we used to jst be FWB. No cheating in either past.

To a long comment >I was super confused by the friend not knowing we’re together. I’m not as good of friends with him but I do know him and surely he’d know that two people who live together and have a baby are together?

Historical_Item3908 >NOR. > >The sisterhood here is saying the same thing because it’s facts. This man embodies deeply rooted toxic behaviour. You are not put on this earth to suffer. > >I love how you rejected his BS at each point. He tried to gaslight you and failed. > >You are tough like a mother. Keep going!!! > >OOP >>Thank you, I appreciate this a lot more than you know. I didn’t know so many people would think he’s in the wrong but proceed to be more angry at me for loving him. I really needed to hear that I did somewhat hold my ground and do alright.

WhatATopic >Holy shit how are you married to a guy that lies to you so much? No one should put up with that. > >OOP >>He’s a compulsive liar due to an abusive environment as a child. I can read him pretty well and usually have to directly state what I know he’s doing for him to admit it. It gets tiring, especially when I’m not doing wel

OOP to a big comment >I’m not just leaving things as is. I am looking into a lot of things to see if he’s completely betrayed my trust. (Getting STD tested, reaching out to Friend and Crush, checking recently deleted iPhone messages, checking other things on phone, etc.) I want to see if things can progress from here. If it hasn’t gotten better in a few months or I find out something new, I’m leaving for baby’s sake. > >I know it’s very easy to want me to end things based on a singular thread, but there are years and years of shared history and so many good things I don’t know if I’m ready to let go of. > >And all emotional factors aside, I am doing horribly physically and emotionally. I can’t take care of baby on my own and I don’t know who else I could possibly ask to help with her. I want to do what I can

Update 1 - next day

^(April 21, 2026)

ETA: Update April 21

This will be my only update unless something massive happens. I’m not looking to create one of those Reddit sagas that drag on 5 updates.

Ok. So, I know they all say this but I really did not expect it to blow up like this. I’ve posted to AIO subreddits before because I know of my tendency to be emotional. It usually comes out to two or three comments saying “not a big deal.” I was honestly expecting to get some sort of reassurance that he DID make an honest mistake and I could let it out of my mind. Maybe that sounds a bit silly to you all, but I’m severely doubting myself due to PP hormones and I’m prone to doubt all my feelings. I wanted thoughts of people in their right mind.

When I instantly got that many comments telling me “divorce,” I called up several friends and my sister. (I’m not trusting Reddit to “make the decision,” so no worries to those who warned against that.) While obviously they were less quick to jump to “leave him, everybody I asked agreed his behavior was very inappropriate and something had to be done here.

When he came home last night, we had a real face-to-face conversation and he elaborated further. I asked to see the “list.” He admitted there wasn’t a list, but his friend had asked if he was planning on being with “Crush.” I asked why “friend” hadn’t known we were together. He said that friend didn’t know we were in a closed relationship. He couldn’t explain why. I asked about more things but it was mostly me expressing how hurt I felt. He seemed to understand it and started to really feel bad for it. He knew immediately he’d be taking care of the baby tonight so I could get a good night’s sleep. (I was too stressed for it really, but I appreciated the gesture.)

I’ve explained to him that I’m deeply uncomfortable with him being with others and will never be open to it. He says that’s okay. I told him that I want to look through his phone and he let me. He had very sparse messages with both "crush" and "friend." Unsure if they just don’t text much or if he deleted things. There’s no way to know so I left that factor be. I also told him I wanted him to get therapy, which he easily agreed to.

I know it’s not what most of you wanted, but I’m not jumping straight to divorce. Our face to face interaction went better than the text one and I really believe he can change. I want baby to have her father.

Answering some questions that came up repeatedly quickly;

“Why did this happen over text?”

I don’t know. He says he’s more comfortable when he has time to gather his thoughts. I’d prefer it to be face to face and told him as much.

“But you said you were accepting of polyamory?”

Yes, like how I’m accepting of gay marriage. It doesn’t mean I’m gay or want a gay marriage for myself. I just support other people’s right to it. I thought this may have been how he got the idea I would be ok with this.

“Why did you marry him?” (And some much more insulting variations)

This wasn’t his first date icebreaker. He’s been a kind person I connect to a lot. I had no way of predicting this and you can’t determine that he has no positive traits I may have fallen for off of this one exchange.

“Have you ever been poly?”

No.

“Is he good with baby?”

Yes, he does great with baby and that has never been a concern. He loves her dearly.

“Lied out of habit?”

He grew up in an abusive environment (I did too and it’s part of why I connected with him deeply) and had to lie for survival. It’s a habit he’s struggling to break, but he’s never doubled down this many times before.

Thank you all very much for the support and helping me see that this is something that definitely needed to be addressed. Sorry to any stress I may have caused anybody ❤️

TLDR; We are trying to work it out. Relationship will not be opening. He’s getting therapy.

ETA -

All of you calling me horrible names for ever falling in love with him or for not immediately choosing divorce are just making the prospect of leaving more terrifying. If you actually cared about him doing something hurtful, you wouldn’t be going out of your way to hurt me more. It’s very hard to drop 7 years of shared history and good moments together. I’m doing what I hope is best for my family. I’m not delusional, stupid, a whore, or any number of worse things. I am taking time to understand the situation properly and see what can be done rather than instantly writing divorce papers.

COMMENTS

tortitude67 >Assuming he takes therapy seriously -- once he has had several months of individual therapy and you are not one month out from HAVING A (HIS) BABY, you should go to couples counseling as well. > >OOP >>This is the goal. Individual therapy is because I want him to get help working through the unresolved trauma that I believe is acting as a huge communication barrier for us

marisabrittany >because of your PP hormones, physical healing struggles & feelings as a human, please get off this thread & stop reading the mean comments. you don’t need to spiral further, you got your answer the way you felt fit. hope all goes well for you & your girl💓 > >OOP >>Thank you, needed to hear this. I think I’ll be deleting the app until everything is better or something of note happens. I’m stuck in bed so I find myself drifting back to it when I get antsy

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 19 days ago

▲ 1.1k r/BORUpdates

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Disastrous_Wash8968

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: April 18, 2026
Final Update: April 21, 2026

Main Post

^(April 18, 2026)

AITAH for telling my coworker I can’t babysit her daughter anymore

I (f20) am very close with one of my coworkers (f31). She has a very sweet 9 year old daughter. I babysit this daughter most weekends, for free.

I also have a lot of pets. Including several fish tanks. My coworker’s daughter has always been super interested in my pets. Wanting to hold, feed, and watch them.

One day I noticed a bad smell coming from one of the tanks. I looked around and noticed several dead fish on the floor behind the tank. My tanks have floating plants that keep the fish from jumping out, not to mention the amount of them that had come out was very odd. I have cameras in my house, mostly to watch my pets while I’m at work. I looked to see if there was anything odd captured on the camera closest to the fish tank and saw something disturbing.

My coworkers kid has stuck her hand in the tank, held it there (I’m assuming until one of the fish swam near it), pulled it out, toss it behind the tank, then repeated this several more times. Then she walked away, leaving the fish to die.

As soon as I saw that I got very angry and called my coworker and told her that her daughter was not allowed back to my place. I explained what happened, expecting her to be disgusted and apologize for her daughter’s actions. Instead she got mad at me. I had called her on Friday and was supposed to watch her daughter the next day while she worked. I explained that I wouldn’t put my animals in harms way by letting her come back to my house. She said some stupid shit about people making mistakes and that her daughter is young. This pissed me off even more and I told her that this is how serial killers are made and that her daughter needed therapy before she decided killing animals was boring and moved on to humans, then hung up on her.

It’s been a few days I’m feeling very conflicted. I love this kid. I’ve been babysitting her since I was 17 and she was 6. She’s a very sweet and quiet girl, and from what I’ve personally observed she loves my animals. But I have video evidence of her killing my fish. I don’t want her to try and go for one of my other pets, or kill any more of my fish. I genuinely can’t think of a reason she would have done this that doesn’t involve her just wanting to kill the fish.

Am I the asshole for not letting her come back to my house

Edit: I feel like I need to clarify some things

I’m using babysitting loosely here. For the most part we would watch tv together or she would watch me play games in the living room. She would hang out with the cats and dogs and sometimes help me with my other animals, something she would ask me to do. I wouldn’t follow her around the house, especially the past year, because I trusted her to make good decisions, and I have cameras that send me notifications for loud noises. I assure you all that she was receiving attention. If this was something she did for attention then why do it now and not in the three years I’ve been babysitting her?

Also to clarify why I did it for free. My coworker is a very busy woman and a single mother who works two jobs. She’s also very helpful at work and often is the one who covers shifts when needed. I also didn’t mind having her daughter around because she would offer to help clean up while shes here. She’s also a very quiet kid, very willing to sit and watch tv for hours at a time. It never felt particularly like a job and I didn’t want to make her mother pay for another thing on top of everything she already pays for.

COMMENTS

No_Teacher_3313 >NTA. She knows she’s killing the fish. > >But also, you’re 20 and why are you spending every weekend babysitting for free? > >Even without the very disturbing fish situation, please enjoy your free time. You are not obligated to be someone else’s free childcare. > >OOP >>My idea of enjoying my free time is watching tv or playing video games lol. Both of which I can do while babysitting. That’s also why I did it for free, I wasn’t a super high effort babysitter, mostly just let her come over so she wasn’t alone at her house.

somuchsong >NTA. > >But why were you ever doing free babysitting for anyone? And why are you still describing this child as sweet when you have video evidence of her killing your fish? She's not 2 or 3 where she may not understand what she's doing. She's 9. > >OOP >>Before this I would have described her as an angel. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact she would even do something like this.

Lordbazingtion (downvoted) >So your meant to be babysitting and a nine year old was unsupervised enough to do that. > >Kinda on you there not the kid. The kid could have really hurt herself there > >OOP >>Hurt herself? She’s 9, not 2. I’m also using babysitting pretty loosely here. She’s a very well behaved kid who just watched tv with me while her mom works. I don’t follow her around because I assumed she knows what not to do. This isn’t something I, or anyone, would expect a child to do, but other than this she hasn’t done anything wrong in the three years I’ve been watching her. I had a lot of trust in her.

Final update - after 3 days

^(April 21, 2026)

Update: AITAH for telling my coworker I can’t babysit her daughter anymore

A couple days ago I posted about my coworkers 9 year old daughter killing my fish, causing me to not let her back at my house.

I finally talked to the daughter. I allowed her to come over on Sunday. I asked her if she knew why I was upset and she told me she hadn’t known I was upset. Her mother lied to her and said the reason I wouldn’t let her come over last weekend and Saturday was because I was busy. I then showed her the video and explained why I was upset.

First here’s some more context. The fish she killed were guppies. If you know anything about guppies you know they breed like nothing else. You can go from having two to having 50 in a month. It’s insane, and something I complained about often. Every couple of months I give some of my guppies to a local fish store. I refer to this as getting rid of the babies.

My coworkers daughter told me that she thought she was helping me. That she got rid of the fish for me. She said she knew that I didn’t like having to many of them and had noticed that their were a lot and thought she’d help get rid of some. I then explained that I give the fish back to the pet store when theirs to many, not kill them. I also explained that killing animals, no matter how small is wrong, especially in the way she did it, leaving them to suffer. She apologized profusely, continuing to say she thought she was helping. I asked why she hadn’t told me about it or asked before she did it and she didn’t have much of an explanation, just kept apologizing. She was very upset so I dropped the subject.

I’m not sure how to feel about this explanation. She seemed sincere when she said it. I want to believe her but I’m still confused on why she hadn’t told me about it.

COMMENTS

Scared-Elk6971 >I’m more concerned that almost every single person commented on your first post to stop babysitting and take a step back, and you didn’t. We can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself > >OOP (downvoted) >>I wanted to talk to her about why she did what she did. It didn’t feel right not having an explanation from her

axarce >I'm more concerned about why her mom lied to her. > >HUNGWHITEBOI25 >>because she didnt expect Op to follow through with her threat of not babysitting

Own_Witness_7423 >Throwing them behind the tank indicates she knows she was doing wrong. End of conversation.

Regular_Boot_3540 >I would still be concerned as well. At nine, she should have some awareness that it's wrong to kill animals unless you're actually planning to eat them. And maybe don't mention that or she might think guppie stew is a good idea.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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u/BigONerd — 19 days ago

▲ 1.9k r/BORUpdates+1 crossposts

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwRA_unsure1234

Published on: r/nonmonogamy & r/EthicalNonMonogamy

Thanks to u/Flynn_JM for the rec!

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

Main Post: February 23, 2026
Update 1: February 24, 2026
Update 2: February 25, 2026
Final Update: April 21, 2026

Main Post

^(February 23, 2026)

Husband’s gf wants a baby .. give me advice

My husband and I have been together since we were 22. We are 38 now. We have two wonderful sons (a teen and a preteen). When our youngest was 3, we opened our marriage because I wanted to explore. We did some swapping a few times. It was okay, but I realized I really liked being with women.

Eventually, I told my husband I was done exploring, but he could continue if he wanted. We talked a lot. He agreed after we discussed some ground rules. I never really dated anyone else. I had brief relationships with a few women, but that’s it.

He met Sarah ( very successful career, 40) , and there was an immediate spark. Sarah said she wanted to meet me. I told her that as long as their relationship didn’t interfere with our life or his responsibilities as a dad and husband (he is very involved in the kids’ lives and with household responsibilities), I was completely okay with it.

So one weekend a month they would meet and have fun. A few times they went on mini trips. I actually enjoyed seeing my husband happy, and Sarah even sent me a few videos. She clearly stated that she had no intention of replacing me.

Now, on Saturday, she texted my husband saying she wanted to see both of us at a restaurant. We showed up, and she dropped a bomb: she wants my husband to have a baby with her. She said it would be like being a single mom by choice, except the baby would know who the dad is, and my husband would be involved visiting the child and being part of their life.

My husband said this is 100% my decision and that if I don’t feel comfortable, it won’t happen. They both said that if I say no, their relationship will continue, so I shouldn’t feel pressured that I’m breaking them up. She could find another donor, I assume.

I can’t stop thinking about it. Am I ruining my husband’s happiness if I say no? If I say yes, am I ruining my kids’ future and our marriage? I hate to admit it, but I always wanted a daughter. What if my husband and she have a girl? Then she would be the woman who finally gives him a daughter.

I’m a mess. Please give me advice.

COMMENTS

wcozi >He has a household of his own children that are his priority. I would not be okay with him having another outside of the home. That could easily take away from his responsibilities to you and your guys’ children. > >Say no. You’re clearly not okay with it. > >OOP >>Well she said she will be single mom with choice but wants the kid to know the dad and occasionally visit the kid

SwingLightStyle >One more thing - this was previously discussed by the two of them. They had this conversation about her having a baby. Then they sprang it on you as if it wasn’t already decided that she was gonna do this, with or without your permission to use your husband’s sperm. > >Is she pregnant now? This is all incredibly underhanded. > >OOP >>No not pregnant now. She said once we are ready she will go off the pills

JandAFun >Do you want to join him in paying child support until the baby turns 18? > >OOP >>She makes more than me and my husband total and says she doesn’t want any financial support

Toys_before_boys >Info: how long has he been seeing this other person? > >I don't think you're a bad guy for feeling uncomfortable. If it's 100% your decision, as he claims, you shouldn't feel guilty for saying no. This WOULD impact your children's lives and your life. > >Also who's to say she's not also pregnant imo. > >OOP >>They have been dating for 2 years

SadAndNasty >him being a father being 100% your decision is so strange to me. He should have some input if he's expected to change his life and be there for the other child and that should half some type of bearing for where he stands on the subject. I just have a hard time believing he's fully ambivalent about having another kid outside of your marriage > >OOP >>I guess I didn’t express correctly. I apologize. I’m a fucking mess. On our way back I asked him if wants to have a baby with her ? He said well I love to have more kids . I love her so much and if it was up to me I would give her a baby but I don’t want you to feel pressured… I feel like I will be the reason for her not have his baby

feelinsumgood >TOTALLY CONTRARY TO THE INITIAL AGREEMENT! Direct her to a sperm bank. Tell her your friendship and access to YOUR husband will stop and that if she pursues it = even 'by accident', that you will sue her for alienation of affections. For safety sake: Get this 'stuff' in writing = present her an agreement to abide and get it signed by her AND your husband. As a precautionary measure try to get a recording of your conversation about this on your phone. If this conversation causes a rift, then ask her why she's so interested in your husband as versus any other man that she might have. > >OOP >>I asked actually.. she said “he is a good looking guy , she loves him, he is smart and a great guy , I’m not getting younger , so I’m gonna do it by myself instead of wasting my time to meet a husband “

Update 1 - next day

^(February 24, 2026)

Update on husband and his gf wanting to have a baby

I talked to my husband. He said Sarah a few times asked if he likes to have more kids casually and complimented him about what an involved dad he is but that’s it. I asked what he thinks about her request ( to get her pregnant), he said he really loves her and loves having more kids and if it’s that’s what makes her happy he would do it in a heartbeat if it was up to him only . I told him he has two solutions:

we separate/ divorce, and he can get Sarah pregnant. With 50/50 custody of our kids , he will have time to take care of her and her newborn too like he did for me when I gave birth . He should also explain the whole thing to our kids
he gets snipped before touching Sarah or any other women again . I'm not asking you to be monogamous with me but I demand you to get snipped

He didn't reply and wanted to think . I guess as of right now it's 100% on him.

COMMENTS

LittleUmpire8090 >I see that you have taken into account all the scenarios we listed and played hard, I see a totally different attitude from yesterday, welcome to reality, congratulations on the choices you have made! > >Give us an update when the decision comes from him :)) > >We're turning this into a soap opera. > >OOP >>I love him with my whole heart but he should be the one to make this decision. If he chooses option one i understand. We can still be good friends and coparent

kyskat >When's the next time your partner is supposed to see Sarah? Has he spoken to you at all? How much "space" are you going to give him? > >OOP >>They were planning to go on a vacation end of March but will current state of Mexico I doubt it will happen . No space at all actually. We are acting normal. He cooked tonight and took our youngest to his soccer practice.

OOP to a long comment >She is not a fwb. They both mentioned that they love eachother. They have been together a little over 2 years I believe , if not longer). We did talk about accidental pregnancies in the beginning. He said for casual hook up he would wear condoms, but once he met Sarah , she told her from the beginning that she had absolutely no interest in ever becoming a mother and she was on pills . I guess now she has changed her mind and wants to have a baby with her bf.. I’m not sure what changed in her life ? She wants her kid to know their dad and my husband visit the kid but I’m not sure how ? She says single mom by choice with occasional visits by my husband . I thought about it a lot. I’m okay with sharing him. His mental health has been amazing since he has met her . He is a better spouse and dad now .. but I’m not okay with my kids sharing their dad with her kid .. I know if we get a divorce and he get her pregnant that’s going to happen anyway .. ugh such a mental torture ..

Update 2 - after 2 days (after 1 day from last post)

^(February 25, 2026)

Would you choose divorce in my situation? Does divorce worth it when marriage is open

I had a long talk with my husband this morning before leaving for work, and now I’m trying to decide what’s best for me and my kids. I’m very emotional so please be gentle .

This morning his girlfriend texted him about his decision and joked that she should adjust their meetup schedule according to her fertile days, and said she is so excited to try for a baby with him . I asked him the same question: what is your decision?

He said he decided that he wants to have a baby with her and will figure out a routine so that everything works out the same. I told him that in that case, I’m filing for divorce. He asked me, “Why? What are you trying to achieve? You can leave and then only see the kids 50% of the time. It will cost us a lot of money in legal fees. You’ll go from a nice house with your kids to a small apartment near your work. To achieve what? You already can see other people. What would divorce bring you? What’s the benefit for you?”

He said that whether we divorce or not, the baby will happen. He also said he won’t neglect any of his responsibilities toward our kids or me because he’ll have a new baby. According to him, the most logical solution would be to tell the kids about Sarah when she gets pregnant and explain that they will have a half sibling. He wants to come clean and just continue with our lives.

I got very emotional and said I don’t want her in my life. He said she wouldn’t be part of my life and that he could arrange visitations with Sarah and the baby so that he goes there instead of her baby coming to our house. He kept saying that this way everything would be open and honest, the kids would be informed, and they could even meet the future baby.

He said there is literally zero benefit to divorce since our marriage is already open, aside from draining our bank account.

I’m very emotional right now and planning to speak to a lawyer to get advice. Has anyone dealt with a situation like this

COMMENTS

LPNTed >First and foremost, I am sorry he's putting you and your kids through this. > >Here's the thing I know you know. He's lying. The worst of it is that he's lying to himself at best. "Nothing's going to change??" No. The first problem was when you both decided not to disclose your relationship style to your kids, now you both have to tell your kids the life they thought they had with both of you is a lie, and oh, by the way dad wants to get someone else pregnant (don't get my antinatlist side going there).. Anyway... Talk to a lawyer. I'm sorry for what everyone is going to be going through, but kudos to you for having tried to make this work so far. > >OOP >>He wanna introduce Sarah once she gets pregnant as his “friend” and he and her are having a baby . My kids are not babies ! They know where babies come from so I have no idea how this will work

Logical-Tough5354 >Let me ask you, how do you feel that he has basically decided this is a go? Like really feel? > >I feel like you are being forced into a room you showed no desire to be in and are now having to figure out how to make it work. > >What does divorce do for you if his question but what does this marriage do for you? He is insane to think this changes nothing, it sure as hell does. > >To be completely honest, he sounds like he wants his way and his needs. That isn’t really sustainable as a happy marriage. > >I am so sorry you are going through this. You really need to decide what is best for you in the long run. I know you have kids but you deserve to be happy > >OOP >>Sad .. very sad .. heartbroken to see him giggling when he reads her text about trying for a baby .. we have 2 already why is he doing this .. >> >>& >> >>By staying married I get to live in my house , be with my kids 100%, my kids don’t have to go to Sarah and his place 50% of the time ..

OOP to a long comment >Technically with my salary alone , kids and I can get by. If he pays for kids extra curricular then I think I’ll be okay . He makes more than me . I just don’t want my kids around his gf and her future baby . They can have a relationship with her and see if they choose to but the thought of spending half of their time there makes my skin crawl .

OOP to a long comment >He has always been involved , he has been my best friend since forever . He has always made sure that I’m happy whenever we had sex, he would do anything for me and the kids. When I tell my coworkers what he does around the house and for kids they always say that I’m super lucky .. then since the whole baby with his gf everything has changed .. who is this man? I don’t even know him any more .. he acts like a dumb teenager in love .. makes me gag

allyspooks7 >He has disrespected you and your families dynamic and boundaries by saying he’s going to have the baby whether you like it or not. Especially after he said the choice was 100% your choice. And a divorce is actually so much simpler and doesn’t cost a whole lot if you guys can agree on how it’s split before you go in to file. My heart goes to you and your courage with how everything has gone. I hope it doesn’t have to end too messy. I would agree though that the kids should know regardless of what happens. They deserve to know. > >OOP >>Kids know now so do his parents . We talked to them. He told them that it was my idea to open our marriage. He is not cheating and I gave him consent . My oldest is so furious at both of us and called us embarrassing and disgusting . My youngest is meh and doesn’t care really . My MIL yelled at me when she found out . It was an emotional day

rosephase >Talk to a lawyer. Do NOT believe this man about what will happen if you get divorced. Talk to someone who can walk you through what is, and isn't, really on the table. > >If you don't agree to this situation getting a divorce also makes that clear in a way that staying together would not. Not to mention you might want to marry someone who isn't being a piece of shit to you one day. Which you can't do while married to this person. > >You do not owe this man staying married. Figure out what is best for you and the kids. Don't trust anything he says about how it will be. He doesn't have a clue and has a shit ton of motivation to keep you around while treating you like trash. > >OOP >>I’m 38! My marrying days and starting over days are over . My only focus now is my kids .

jaydenB44 >What happened after your talk yesterday? > >OOP >>Nothing really . He just cuddled with me as I was lying down in bed sad and reassured me that kids and I are his priority and he loved us . He thinks he can magically manage everything if we work together . He wants to tell the kids when his gf is pregnant because they will find out eventually anyway. I told him I want to talk to an attorney and a therapist. I told him I don’t want to make a bad decision or rushed. He said he understood

Final update - after 57 days (after 55 day from last post)

^(April 21, 2026)

My final update

I have been getting many DMs. Here is the final update :

I met with an attorney but decided to stay and work things out
I have been seeing a therapist who is very familiar with ENM
Sarah got pregnant almost immediately ( yes I gave my husband consent but also told him if it affects our life I will be gone ). She is due end of November
she and my husband had a long talk . She is moving back to her home country to be closer to her sister . In fact her moving day is soon and my husband is helping her . He will be with her after she gives birth . She told my husband that once the baby is older she would like to start to date to get married so she will break up with my husband . My husband understood because he has zero plan to end our marriage . Even if I leave Sarah has no interest in being a parent to our kids so it’s for the best . Sarah wants my husband to be in kid’s life ( occasional visits , FaceTime and stuff )
my youngest is very excited. My oldest at first got really mad but now told my husband he wants nothing to do with the baby which my husband respects
my in laws are confused lol my mil hopes she finally gets a grand daughter

Overall life is good :) thank you

COMMENTS

PlanetJey >I hope you receive this is all the love it’s intended…. The math isn’t mathing…. I’m a nurse and so many things just don’t add up. > >1. Do you know how small the chances are for 40 year old woman to have a spontaneous conception? ~5-10% per cycle. Add to that your husband’s age and we’re talking even smaller. Did she get pregnant the day he made the decision to go forward, like some miracle it happened that same day…. > >2. You posted on Feb 23 that they came to you with this idea the weekend before… a full term pregnancy is 40 weeks. 40 weeks from Feb 23 is Nov 30. > >Gurl, she was already pregnant and these two bamboozled you! She and your husband got the baby. They got away with fooling you. Your husband sweet talked his self out of a divorce talking about the cost and how it would affect your life. A divorce only has to get costly if he planned on dragging it out. > >And here you are telling us life is good. Who are you trying to convince? If this is genuinely the kind of marriage you want to be in, far be in from us to stand in your way. I hope you end up happy with someone who the evidence points to was lying and manipulating you. I don’t call that love, but to each their own.

OOP to a long comment >No I thought about it a lot . I told my husband he has my consent as long as our life stays the same . My husband is a firefighter so he works 24 hour shifts a few days a month and rest he is free so he mostly meet her when kids are at school ( beside their one weekend of the month together). My mil generally loves me but sometimes she can be too much . The good news is everytime I told my husband mil is too much he stands up for me. Yes it was my idea to open up the marriage and he didn’t cheat . He has talked to his parents again and again. He will again soon because mil lately again has become too much ..mil asked my husband if she can visit the baby and goes with my husband when Sarah gives birth . Sarah said no and beside him she doesn’t want a visitor until she is ready . Mil knows baby will be raised by Sarah alone but hope she gets to visit the baby often too . > >if he can’t keep the boundaries he promised to me I really have nothing to negotiate. I will leave him and he is aware of that .

PowerTrippingGentry >Thanks for the update. Does having the baby in canada mean your husband is off the hook for child support? That would of been my main concern. Also sorry your husband lied about already getting her pregnant. He should of led with alot more honesty. > >OOP >>She has stated many times she will not file for child support and she won’t be adding my husband in the birth certificate. Baby will know who the real dad is but she wants to be a single mom by choice

nanaimo_couple >Thanks for the update, I had been wondering. Still sorry this happened, you say life is good but it still sounds like you got a pretty shitty outcome. I wish you the best. > >OOP >>Not shitty at all . We are communicating great and so far things are good and he is managing g great

OnlyYogurtcloset8543 >>He will be with her after she gives birth . She told my husband that once the baby is older she would like to start to date to get married so she will break up with my husband . > >Are you saying that your husband will hang in there and date her until she finds what she is looking for? Sorry, just a bit confused by this comment. > >Wish you all the best in however this plays out. > >OOP >>My apologies. I used voice to text and things got deleted . No he will be there with her for birth and a bit longer to help her and the baby settle . Then he will occasionally visit them . Once she meets a new guy , he will be still visiting the baby but obviously won’t be staying with her

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u/BigONerd — 17 days ago