u/InternationalCut2341

I think being put in Catholic school since pre-k and the indoctrination that came with that led me to develop OCD. As a kid, i was highly concerned with right and wrong, good and bad. I was terrified of messing up by swearing or being envious because I thought God would send me straight to hell. How do i get rid of this conditioning?? it's like my brain is wired in that way. Please be mindful where you send your kids to school. I was already a sensitive and scared child, so i think this was the catalyst for me developing OCD.

I am now 21 and so terrified of making mistakes that I never take risks. It's debilitating. I also have never kissed anyone or had sex or been in a relationship because it makes me feel super guilty. I am obsessed with "purity" and I have the belief that i'm inherently "bad" for having normal human urges/emotions such as a sex drive and jealousy and envy. I know i should see a therapist but it's daunting lol. I'm not Catholic but i subconsciously feel like everything i do or don't do is right or wrong and that it's judged by Jesus or God. I'm a shut in. I don't do anything and i dont live life at all.

Does anyone know a good type of therapy to try for this early life conditioning I experienced? I feel like i need to go deep and get rid of the conditioning.

Im just realizing i was literally never taught to co-regulate. And i had the worsttttt panic attacks and terrible chronic anxiety as a teenager. I couldnt even get into the car. My mom has unmanaged anxiety herself and she couldnt handle it. When i was 15 and at the peak of my panic attacks, existential anxiety, i was needy for my parents reassurance and comfort. By needy i mean… i only ever went to them if the anxiety was really bad and i needed grounding. One time she snapped and she said she’s done and she started packing her bags and said she was going to leave. I was begging and panicking her not to, i was apologizing profusely for being a mentally ill teenager. My father who was so „supportive” and coaching me on my anxiety told me, „see? Your mom wants to committ suicide because of you.” The message i got was basically, change. Change right now, because i cant deal with this, cant deal with you right now. And you know what im realizing, my mom didnt even research anxiety? She didnt do her research on how to help me at all? Its so weird because she is a people pleaser who does everything to help my dad but didnt try at all to understand me like ever. I was suffering daily for over 10 years and it feels like she never even tried to understand…I feel like when i try to talk to my mom, shes talking to a 3d hologram she sees of me in her head instead. Like i dont feel like she truly believes me to be my own person, yet an extension of her mind. I am now 21F and feel deeply viscerally alone. This pattern has shifted from my parents to my friendships to romantic ones. My reality is constantly dismissed or mocked or not treated seriously at all.

So my natural dirty blonde hair has a greenish tint to it, and im wondering how can i neutralize this?

I’m crying from the tub as i feel miserable. My entire life i felt invisible and unloveable. I have disorganized attachment style, leaning towards fearful avoidant. I feel extremely lonely and i was wondering if anyone in my age range would like to chat in the dm’s sometimes. No pressure for it to go anywhere as im pretty busy myself. But i feel so fucking lonely my chest feels like its crushing. I keep seeking love in places that can’t give me any back. I am starving.

Things i like… music. Psychology (my major). Vegan food. Teal swan (if you have nothing nice to say, i don’t want to hear it. She resonates with me and im not interested in arguing about it). I am very anxious and don’t like sharing too much about me too quick. Looking for someone open-minded and gentle, doesn’t matter the gender.

And i am in a hard spot as i just set a boundary which caused me to lose one of the few people i connected with. Im stressed out and in college. I’m not interested in people who can’t handle interpersonal differences or boundaries. I will block you if you say something annoying.

I am like a cat. Try to train me, make demands of me, force me out of my routine and i will scratch you. If you let me be myself and approach me calmly and authentically, i will likely curl into your side. I can be very warm and sweet but don’t push me or pressure me. Just don’t.

I tend to do well with people who have secure or avoidant attachment. I’m not sure about anxious friends because they tend to make me want to run.

I want to practice my social skills too. Don’t expect fast replies and don’t take it personally. As i said, i have a life and am pretty busy but still want someone to talk to occasionally.

Sorry if this is messy. I’m messy. You’re not signing up for perfect. And i’m new to the spiritual world.

Recently i’ve gotten into spirituality and emotional processing which in simple terms means i’ve started connecting to my emotions again. It’s painful, but i’m accessing personal truths. I’m getting over my lifelong held beliefs that negative emotions are bad and something to escape.

Today i had a particularly strong and difficult emotional experience where i realized some truths about myself. And along with the relief i feel afterward, i also feel this incredible warmth in my heart. It feels like what i imagine genuine unconditional love feels like.

Is my heart chakra opening up?