u/InternalGatez

I have skills that I can use to soothe if I need to, but really just letting my body and mind release and feel. Taking moments when I can to slow down and ground but...mostly, riding the emotions. My insides are on fire.

I started to wonder if this grief, this intensity, is a common experience? I'm still waiting for my formal assessment but I am confident I have both (and so is my therapist).

It's like my entire being and sense of self has mostly shattered. Not entirely, I have been working on rediscovery the last 4 years, and mind-body connection...but a lot of me feels broken. I haven't had meltdowns like this in years. I'm working towards taking time off work but the hardest part is not being able to talk to my family or friends. I can feel the discomfort in my family, I see their expressions, and I am realizing I have few friends.

I feel alone in this. I am relieving some traumatic moments as well. And it just feels like my nervous system is on fire again. But I am here, I am moving, I am deep breathing, and taking as much breaks as possible. I'm running towards things that supported and resonated with me. I'm wondering if anyone else felt their inner being tingle so much.

Details:

It is mothers day.

1.5weeks ago I started a group message to ask what the moms wanted to do, eat out or eat in. Then asking if they had preferences.

My mom said whatever is fine. My sister said, Idk.

So I followed up with ideas of places to go and times. Again, no one responded. Other than to say that Sunday is busy so maybe lets go a different day. Okay, I plan and ask again.

Then my step father gets reactive, my sister says eating at home is stressful, my mom says whatever is fine. I do not know what to say. And my sister says she plans to go to a different celebration since our family doesn't have plans.

Now it is Sunday. I follow up, how about we go somewhere on a different day. I suggest a restaurant, a time, and 3 different dates.

My stepfather rants about being excluded. My mother says pick whatever date that sister says. My sister says she is having a bad day, we don't have plans so just pick a date. So I say Tuesday, at the restaurant and time. Then yells when my mom tells her because apparently she is out of town.

I'm so frustrated. I tried to plan. I'm going through a hard time. My brother and I are just waiting to make plans. I just learned I have autism and it's breaking up how I see myself as I reconstruct. I want to scream. I am upset.

I want to talk logically but I feel like I am missing information into between the lines. What did I miss? And how can I express to my family that I worked hard asking questions and having suggestions to make plans but no one wanted to help me plan.

What advice do you have for expressing being upset?

How can I alert them that it took everything in me just to show up today. I did so much work this week to feel grounded enough to be able to be in a stimulating environment but it seems I still did something wrong. I feel like I missed a lot of context here and that maybe the answer is that one one wanted to celebrate.

So, is this what we call a "loop"? I feel like I *need to reach out to my ex because we both were undiagnosed and likely can answer some questions for each other*. I won't because logically, he was self-destructive and it was traumatic for me at the end.

But the loop. My brain keeps replaying the relationship and where we thrived and failed when most of it was us treating each other like we were neurotypical. He suspected he had autism but never sought out help. I never suspected but recently learned I do have it (in hindsight of my childhood, definitely present but high masking).

So, I feel so conflicted on how to stop this hyperfixation. I don't think that anyone else understands this unhealed version of me and I am now certain he was trying to tell me the same thing about me to him. I just don't want to use this as an excuse to not hold him accountable for his actions.

How do you close loops? What has helped you stop replaying moments and possibilities?

Also, this is my other post about it but I wrote it more neurotypical. Please be aware that it talks about trauma.

I figured a neurotypical view might help me see things differently, so I purposely wrote a scenario in which we reconnect (I hope this isn't confusing to anyone). I just don't think I can explain the hyperfixation to people that don't experience it.

1: I accepted and have begun go grief that I have ASD (I had no problem accepting ADHD). I have talked to family members but it almost feels like they are uncomfortable.

Or just don't want to discuss further. They just start talking about themselves and trauma dumping. But I can feel the discomfort and guilt in them and the discomfort in me.

I don't know how to communicate how exhausted I am and need to recalibrate. Instead, I am getting shamed for wanting alone time.

This feels frustrating. I would love to be able to have conversations but I can see and feel they don't want to. I have one friend who is comforterable and safe to talk to, which makes a world of a difference. She gives off energy of it. So now that I'm not doubting my intuition, I can feel this and I can feel how my family feels.

2: I have noticed I can pick up the mood of people and spaces, and animals, but for a long time I thought that was normal. It wasn't until I got into learning about the nervous system and the mind-body connection that I begun to learn how to properly shield and stay present (mostly). This is when I learned to turn down the volume so to say (again, mostly).

I'm recalibrating, I feel exhausted and like I am surviving still. And I feel very alone in all of this. How did you find community and others to talk with? Do other people feel the energy/emotions? What was your relationship like with family?

What helped you in a late diagnosis to recalibrate?

I'm wanting to be even more intentional to keep relationships but I also want to embrace my authenticity. But I also am replying so much of my life because it now makes sense and I feel incredibly high aware. Too aware.

And I want to impulsively contact people in my past but that's not appropriate. 🫠

It's new trigger for me. But I have to work extra hard to stay present. Curious what helps others?

I have been processing this for over a week.

I have felt that "depression" and "anxiety" didn't quite fit. I had heard too often that my facial expressions did not match what I was expressing. I had to work on that and make conscious efforts in studying body behavior to act appropriately. I wondered why I missed group social cues. I wondered why I had spontaneous break downs.

And I had a melt down that turned into 3 weeks of hyperfixating into understanding why three therapist suggested I didn't need therapy when I knew it was wrong. EMDR twice was ineffective. I studied everything I possibly could about my thought processes and had to look up concrete examples to understand that I had been experiencing symptoms but I had learned strategies that helped reduce or cover them up. I had fooled my other therapist and myself. Then.

Everything clicked. I for sure had every symptom for PTSD, this one clicks. I thought it was depression for other things but it is a product of overstimulation. Burn out.

And then my last therapist I talked to her about some things and asked for understanding what to test for because I wondered if I had neurodivergence.

And when she said to test for ASD (and ADHD). I was surprised.

Everything clicked. My childhood. Mental health. Why routine and grounding helped me this much.

I was never high functioning depression or anxiety (wtf does high functioning mean anyway). Those shut downs I have had were not typical. The feelings that came later. The daydreams and hyperfocus where I'm there but not there. The sleeping in closets. . .the knowledge in chosen interest. The wanting to know everything about the interest.

Just. Everything. Makes sense. Too much sense.

There is more, so much more. Now I am scared when I get evaluated, they will say I don't have one or the other. I started writing a journal so I can keep track of everything in depth. I'm using regulating skills that work and I may need to take time off work.

But damn. It really feels good to know this may just be the way I processes the world. Which means now I can begin the journey to learn how to cope with some things that need support and how to use strengths effectively.

Most importantly, it just is. It's the math problem I couldn't solve.

❤️ And now I hope to find community.

What was your journey like?

I thought it would be fun to come up with some prompts and share with others the ones that have brought insight:

These are some of my favorite quotes that led to journal entries in discovering parts of myself that I wondered about. From there I was aware and thus intentional in the emotional responses. ❤️

**Quotes**:

*​"A* *~~man's~~* *(choose your pronouns) mind may be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild; but whether cultivated or neglected, it must, and will, bring forth. If no useful seeds are put into it, then an abundance of useless weed-seeds will fall therein, and will continue to produce their kind."* –James Allen

1: What seeds have caused you to pause and wonder how they were planted? How did you give them what they needed for integration? Who planted these seeds (parent, your inner child, an experience)?

2: Identify a recurring negative thought, habit, or insecurity that feels like it’s "choking" your progress.

What is the source of this weed? How is it trying to protect you?

Ex: Perfectionism is an act of protection from criticism for me and to avoid punishment. When out of control this comes from fear and I may avoid starting a project because it will not be excellent. When it is balanced and integrated I aim for excellence but accept there may be some flaws and that is okay. Mistakes are data not attached to worth.

3: ​*Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.* — Carl Jung

What we dislike in others is often a projection of what is inside that we refuse to acknowledge.

Think of someone who deeply irritates or "triggers" you. List three specific traits they have that bother you. Now, ask: When do I exhibit these same traits? If I don’t do I secretly wish I had the freedom to act that way but judge myself for it?

Okay! Hope this turns into am insightful thread. ❤️

TDLR: as the title states, what are quotes and prompts that helped you pause and reflect about how you react or think? Maybe it was an action or a moment.

What does someone feel if they ignore you when you approach them?

Context:

I was grocery shopping and getting cheese. Vibes felt off.

Then after I was reading a food label of something and someone approaches me and says: "Hey cutie".

I freeze up. Shut down. Look at the box I am holding and then he leaves and says "okay" in what I presumed is an upset tone.

So, if you happened to be the person saying hello, what would you feel?

Second: if someone approached you, what would you say? What is socially appropriate way to tell someone you don't like sporadic interactions?

Last: I am normally talkative and friendly in places I am familiar with (school, work, friend groups). I usually would say something. But I was no prepared for this and had no script so to say on what to say.

Ah! I think I hurt his feelings and that was uncalled for.