u/HeftyMoneybag

I'm 25F, east African. In the past few years I've definitely slightly improved my style and lost a lot of weight. I'm super tall and was always slightly chubby to avg but recently I've dropped to BMI 19 due to health issues. I honestly do not notice any difference in treatment (I live in western Europe). Most I've noticed is ppl at work looking at my body a bit longer, as if they've noticed that I've lost weight and one person asking if I'm ok. Only my ortho doctor commented on my body saying I'm skinny with a sorta large chest(I'm an E cup and this was at bmi 20 or 21 maybe) and to maybe consider a breast reduction if my back issues persist lmao but no one else has ever said I'm skinny or treated me any differently.

I do notice when I put on makeup and nicer clothes ofc I get treated accordingly but nothing crazy at fancier places, but overall I don't notice anything in my day to day or with people I know personally.

When I lived in my home country honestly any drastic change in appearance would mean hearing comments or being treated differently. Where I live now in Europe no one says anything. Ik I don't fit the eurocentric beauty standard bc of race and tbh I don't give as much of a shit about that nor do I want to be white/compare myself to them but I do want to experience a bit more privilege and respect in treatment, especially when it comes to weight loss (body being my main goal bc when I weighed more my body was sexualized and men never looked away from my boobs which disgusted me. I want my now thinner body to be seen as ideal but less sexual even if that won't fully go away)

I haven't been leaving my place for what feels like a year. It is in AWFUL condition. We're talking horrendous. The only good thing is trash is in bags so nothing is on the floor anymore - I worked up the energy to do that in like 2 weeks. The bad news is there are flies in my room (which have been with me for 2 years...) and the floor is dirty with dead larvae in some spots and the room kinda smells bad. My mop is broken so I unfortunately just have to rely on cleaning with a mopping towel and a bucket. Vacuum won't do much bc there isn't much free space with the trash bags + the piles of cartons and my place is very small.

Idk where to start. To explain i have depression, used to have ptsd and I have severe health issues so moving has been very challenging. I feel SO overwhelmed by everything. I want to at least clean the bathroom but if I do more than 20 mins of cleaning I start to faint.

The bathroom is in slightly better condition but the floor and sink are dirty, and there's dirt/possibly mold on one of the vents. The rest of my place is very bad. Idk how to navigate it without fainting or the smell causing me to gag and vomit (which has happened already).

Anyway any advice would be helpful i am just really demotivated and at the same time have this burst of energy that I have to get something done till the rest of the day bc the situation really is awful. So many spider webs too. And I just feel disgusted with myself and my place.

I suspect since I've had GERD since childhood - pretty much almost 20 years of GERD now - it has messed with my entire digestive system and my body. I find that I'm ALWAYS gassy. No matter what I do. The only way it is even semi manageable is if I don't eat anything and after a while it just gets worse bc then I'm gassy and my stomach is burning and acid is coming up.

Idk if I have IBS. My doctors keep dismissing me because it's just "stress"(if it helps you guess why they say this just know I'm a woman lol). Even tho I've had the GERD diagnosis since I was a kid my family doctor doesn't take me seriously. I had an endoscopy and colonoscopy in 2024 and I was told I don't have any issues but gastritis (expected since I always have gastritis). My family doctor didn't even give me a PPI I had to just go buy it on my own as per usual. I also had hemorrhoids (yeah gross lol whatever) and wasn't prescribed anything for it and idk how the situation is now tbh.

He also told me too much gas in my stomach is normal and many ppl have this issue. Wtf does that even mean? I didn't have this issue in the past until my GERD became severe and it wouldn't get better. It's so uncomfortable and unmanageable. Like I have to stay home so often because I can't leave the house and be a health hazard to humanity. How is that fucking normal?

Anyway rant over. Curious if anyone is struggling with this too and if there are any solutions.

I really identify with Kim in many ways esp the thrill-seeking behavior. I don't necessarily have the same conscience as she does, but nowhere near Jimmy's level and I've never been a criminal lol.

But I definitely love doing shit for the plot and bc it's fun to be mischievous. I sort of envy Jimmy for having the ability to BS and yap so much and so well. I wish I was that confident and street smart. I'm more cold and reserved like Kim.

Never had much interest in anyone to really be with them long-term bc something is always missing and I get bored. When I watched BCS I realized someone like Jimmy - sans the abhorrent crimes lol but maybe just his personality, charm and tricks - and his dynamic with Kim is exactly what I'd fall for.

Maybe I'm messed up but they're the only couple I've ever seen on a TV show and thought holy shit, wow, couple goals!